Superstore (2015) s06e14 Episode Script

Okay, so I asked around, and it's true.
Zephra is shifting most
of Cloud 9's business online, so…
they're gonna be closing some stores.
Some? Oh.
Okay, well, I mean, what's some?
-Like, four?
-Three or four. Exactly.
Well, that's not bad. I like our chances.
No, it's bad, guys.
They're closing most of the stores.
The number I heard was 95 percent.
What?
So we're, like, screwed?
Maybe not.
I'm gonna try to get this store picked
as one of the survivors.
I'm still figuring out
what that process looks like,
but, guys, we're not gonna go down
without a fight.
Wait, aren't you supposed to be
the liaison to Cloud 9?
I mean, not a great sign
that they didn't clue you in.
I'm doing great, Dina.
Some people invited me
to a concert in the park last week.
That's a free concert, Amy.
That's not an invite.
That's like telling someone
where the bathroom is.
You're really belly-flopping
out there, huh?
I am not belly-flopping.
[upbeat music]
Okay, everybody calm down.
They're gonna keep some stores open,
and Amy's gonna do everything she can
to make sure we're one of them,
so there's no need
to freak out about this.
That's easy for you to say.
You make manager money.
The rest of us, we need this job.
Mm-hm. Well, except Carol.
Oh, 'cause of my settlement?
Hey, I still need this job
to keep me grounded.
Seems to be working so far.
Hey, okay, guys, come on.
Obviously, Jonah's got some ideas.
We haven't even let him talk.
Jonah?
I mean, I'm not sure
that there's anything that we can do.
[all groan]
I'm just trying to be realistic.
I mean, we've been flattened
by these guys over and over.
I just…
Yeah, I, I don't know what to say.
Uh, hey, I'm not sure that's an idea
so much as a downer,
so maybe next time, just don't stop
the meeting if you don't have anything.
Yeah. My bad.
A fake Jamaican ♪
Took every last dime with a scam ♪
It was worth it ♪
Just to learn some sleight of hand… ♪
[Sandra] Must be nice.
Thinking about buying
the fancy vacuum cleaner
with the ball thingy
like it's just a regular vacuum cleaner
with no ball thingy.
Yeah, and she bought
a Dustbuster yesterday.
She's just rubbing it in our faces.
You guys are missing the headline here.
The store closing could ruin my life.
It's not really a Powerball jackpot
for any of us.
Yeah, but you guys are citizens.
You can get any job you want.
I need to start thinking of a backup plan.
Tony's looking for someone
to feed his sharks.
The trick is you have to wiggle the food
in the water to make it look alive.
Okay, so "food wiggler"
is the job to beat.
Maybe we should just
all ask Carol for money.
I mean, I guess it's possible
she might need a personal assistant.
Maybe. You think she'd be cool
with paying you cash under the table?
Of course, that's how
all rich people pay their immigrants.
I bet Dianne Wiest hasn't paid
a payroll tax in her entire life.
And I feel bad,
because everybody's looking at me
like, "What can we do?"
Yeah, that's hard, 'cause in this case,
what can you do? It's done.
Yeah.
I mean, I mean, you know,
it's not done yet, you know.
Really?
Well, I mean, we don't,
we don't have to jump to done.
Five percent isn't a good chance,
but it's, it's a chance.
You know, that's what? The odds are what?
-Five percent.
-Five… Yes, five percent.
And, no, but seriously,
and we've got somebody
from corporate on the inside
who's pushing for us.
Yeah, and that's really great.
But I don't know if pushing matters
to a big corporation.
I mean, decisions like this
involve months of planning, so…
Yeah, but I… but, I mean, you know,
nothing's final yet.
Yeah, I guess.
I mean, we have to do something.
We're not just gonna…
We're just gonna give up?
[chuckles]
No, we're not, so…
[Jonah clears throat]
It's really… it's smelly
out here today, huh?
That's your subject change?
Yeah, well, you know,
you use what you have.
Carol, congrats on the settlement.
Oh, thank you.
But it was never really about the money.
It was about the attention.
Either way, well-deserved.
[laughs]
Hey, listen, do you want a latte?
I accidentally put vanilla in it,
and then I thought,
"That's how Carol likes it!"
Wow, I can't believe you remember that.
What can I say? I'm very detail-oriented.
Of course, now you can buy
all the lattes you want.
You'll need 'em. You'll be busy now.
Social engagements, travel planning…
I guess that's why wealthy people
get personal assistants, huh?
Oh, I don't know
if I need a personal assistant.
I like to be hands-on with everything
in my life, especially the men.
Am I right?
[chuckles]
You are right.
And I love it.
[quirky music sting]
Look, Jeff, I'm really sorry
you're in a pickle,
but I just… I can't buy
a Subaru right now.
The reason I'm calling,
that little flood incident,
how much did you report to corporate?
And did they ever…
[distant chatter]
Uh, I'm gonna call you back.
[Cheyenne] That'd actually be pretty sick.
Yeah, so now I'm really stoked
to get the vaccine.
Hi.
Hi. It's good to--
-What are you do… I didn't--
-How--
Sorry. Sorry, what?
What are you doing here?
You didn't know?
Oh. Oh, God.
Cheyenne, I thought you were
gonna tell him I was coming.
Yeah, I was going to,
but I figured it would be awkward.
Oh, well, I'm glad we avoided that.
I know Amy being back is a very big deal,
so as her best friend,
I'm just going to put to rest
any possible questions,
so we can save time.
Yes, California is warm.
No, Zephra does not have
those egg-shaped nap pods.
Yes, she is roughly the same weight
as when she left,
and, yes, Parker is still frail
and practically translucent.
No, actually, Parker
is thriving in California.
He loves it. Both kids do.
And so do I…
[laughs]
But I am happy to see all of you.
Okay, Amy, you heard me. There's no time.
[Dina and Amy murmuring]
You doing okay, bud?
Me? Yeah, no. I'm… Yeah.
I'm good. I'm, I'm great.
Cool.
So Zephra is sending an analyst today
to do a walk-through.
I thought I would get here before her,
help you whip the store into shape,
so that they pick us, I mean, you.
Question. What does this mean
for you and Jonah?
-No, this isn't about--
-No, we're not--
-That's not what we're here for.
-Yeah, Sandra. Besides, it doesn't matter.
Jonah's seeing someone.
Oh, well, that's great for Jonah.
-It's none of my business.
-[Carol] It's my lawyer.
And she's a redhead, so safe bet is,
she's, like, the filthiest freak
in the world.
Jonah, no!
I'm begging you all, please stop.
Also, Amy, you should know,
Kelly came back,
-although nothing happened.
-Why should she know that?
Oh, and he also asked Nia out,
but she's a lesbian.
-At least, that's what she told him.
-No, I am a lesbian.
Doesn't matter. He's all about Amy now.
Okay, guys, I get that
this is really interesting,
but come on, we're trying
to save our store here.
So, why don't we split into two meetings?
Yeah, do you want
to take the store-saving one,
-and I'll take the Jonah-Amy one?
-See, this is why we have two managers.
-I call Dina's meeting.
-Okay, how about zero meetings?
[all jeer]
And dishwasher pods
are two-for-one while supplies last,
so get 'em while you can.
Meaning they might sell out,
not that the store's… Uh, please hold.
Don't worry, Jonah and Amy
will figure something out.
-They always do.
-Yeah, totally.
-Hey, did she say hi to you?
-Yeah, why?
Oh, no, it's nothing. It's just that…
I don't think she said hi to me yet.
-She said hi to everyone this morning.
-No, she said, "Hi, everyone."
Okay, so I'm just supposed
to share a hello with Elias?
Nah, dude, I'm 40 years old.
I think she's just a little preoccupied.
Yeah, right, of course.
I mean, I'm, I'm kidding.
[laughs]
It would be funny if I cared,
though, right?
Right.
Okay, so they wouldn't be sending someone
all the way out here
if it was just about sales.
I mean, my guess
is they're looking at soft factors,
like aesthetics and customer experience.
Oh, boy, you think they're gonna be
looking at the Quincy store?
We're up against the Quincy Cloud 9,
the jewel of St. Louis?
The whole place is so clean and beautiful,
and they got the skylight,
and the fresh-cut flowers,
and their customers
are so pleasant to look at.
I mean, not one of them makes
you wince when you see them.
How do they do that?
Yeah, we do seem to have
a high wince factor.
I mean, I think that, just for today,
it would be okay to turn away
some of our more colorful clientele.
No weirdos, no uggos. I'm on it.
Well, wait, I'm gonna go with you,
'cause weirdos have feelings too.
You're right. I should be more sensitive.
I gotta remember,
I've got a cousin that's a weirdo.
Is it gonna be okay
to leave you two alone together?
-We'll be fine.
-All good, Dina.
-It just might be awkward, because--
-Okay, thanks, Dina.
[chuckles]
-She's still got it.
-Yeah.
[Jonah clears throat]
Look, I'm sorry that
I just sprung myself on you like this.
Oh. Yeah, we don't need to…
It, it was nice that you came to help,
but let's just do the store today, okay?
-Yeah, yeah. Of course. Cool.
-Okay.
So if we're gonna be putting
our best foot forward,
should we just be sending
our worst employees home?
Well, I'm worried
that if you start pulling
that thread, pretty soon…
-Yeah, no sweater.
-Yeah.
Sorry, Puppet Mike,
you can't come in today.
This is discrimination!
No, no, no, it's just…
it's a no-freaks day.
-You understand.
-[Glenn] Tell you what.
Come back tomorrow,
and you'll both get a cup of coffee on me.
Go [bleep] yourself!
Chef Luigi!
Okay, listen up. The Zephra analyst
will be here this afternoon.
Our only chance of survival
is if she believes that this
is the best Cloud 9 around.
We have to be the perfect store.
Uh…
[laughs]
Is the analyst Glenn?
'Cause if not, that's a tough sell.
Well, we'll do what we can.
We'll, we'll make it more homey
with, with nice smells,
and, and, and nice sounds,
and we could throw some flowers at her.
Don't actually throw them.
Just put them places.
[upbeat music]
It's just… How hard is it to say hi?
It's barely even a word.
Wow. Those smell great. How much?
Oh, they're not for sale.
They're not even shaped into cookies.
It's just a mound.
How much for the mound?
-That one's yours.
-[Jonah] Oh, wow. Hi.
-Who are you?
-Our greeters for today.
Dina said everyone at Quincy was hot,
so this is Dido and Bax.
-Hi.
-Oh, his shirt comes off if you want.
Nope.
[Mateo] Ugh, Carol,
you shouldn't be doing this.
Let me assist you.
-Really?
-Yes.
Happy to be of assistance.
Like an assistant.
-This is nice, huh?
-[Amy] Yeah.
I mean, it's, you know… it's nicer.
Yeah, we did what we could.
-Yeah.
-You know, so who knows?
-Maybe we got a shot.
-[both chuckle]
[woman screams]
Oh, my God, it's… Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Okay, Justine, calm down.
No, that's the right reaction.
There's, like,
eight severed feet in there.
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God.
Okay, I gave Justine a muscle relaxer
and put her in her car.
She keeps mumbling about feet,
but that's not a forever thing,
I don't think.
This is horrible.
I mean, we've had severed feet before,
but just a sprinkling,
you know, once in a while.
It's okay. We know the drill.
I'll call Curtis at the police station.
He's our go-to for any
recovered body parts.
Now, hang on, hang on.
Before we turn this
into a full-on crime scene,
what if, hypothetically,
we didn't find this bag of feet
until after the Zephra analyst left?
Do you mean just, like, ignore the bag
of gross, dead feet
in the middle of the floor?
I mean, it would be safer
to move it to the back.
Safer for who?
The foot slicer you're suddenly
trying to aid and abet?
Yeah, Dina, you got me. I'm in on it.
I just happened to show up in the store
the day a bag of feet was discovered, and…
Okay, that sounds more plausible than I…
-I'm not in on it!
-Look.
We can delay calling them in,
but we are not moving it, okay?
That's called evidence tampering.
It's a criminal offense.
Okay, fine. We won't move it.
[Glenn] This looks completely natural.
Just a drink display
in the bedding section.
Obviously, the bag of feet
stays between us
until we can call it in.
Yeah, just, uh, real quick.
I did mention it to Mateo.
-[Garrett] A bag full of feet?
-[all shushing]
[Cheyenne] Mateo, I told you not to tell.
I only told these two.
Also, I texted Eric,
and he told his work, but that's it.
-[Amy groans]
-This is so not a big deal, okay?
I mean, of course,
it is for the victims' families,
or, who knows, maybe there's no victims.
You know, maybe it's just
a med school prankster.
Or a grave robber or morgue bandit.
Let's just stop guessing,
and not tell anybody else.
[Glenn] Yeah, and don't worry
that God is gonna be mad
or hold us in judgment.
We're doing the right thing,
or at least we will be in a few hours
when we stop doing this.
[Dido] Welcome to Cloud 9.
-[phone chimes]
-[Cheyenne gasps]
Ooh, Dido just texted.
The analyst is here.
Okay, it's go time.
Janet's outside on freak watch.
Glenn, you guard the duffel bag
and keep tall people away.
I'm gonna cover Megan,
and Amy's gonna coordinate from the back.
Exactly, because Megan and I
have been in work meetings together,
-so she knows what I look like.
-Mm, does she?
Or do you just know what she looks like?
Doesn't always go both ways.
She knows who I am, Dina.
[sighs]
Great. Up top.
Come on.
Hi. Hey.
Uh, can I help you with anything, or…
I think I'm okay. Thanks, though.
Cool, no problem. Yeah.
We're all about customer service here,
so anything you need--
Yeah, where are your candles?
They're just, uh, right over there.
-Anyways, you need something, let me know.
-Can you just show me?
Sorry, sir. if you just walk
in that direction, you'll find them, so…
Uh, I'm kidding, of course.
I'm gonna take you to them,
because that's, that's what I do.
Right this way. Thanks.
[customer] So what are they like?
[Jonah] Candles?
[Amy whispers]
Elias, stop staring at her.
Oh, um, can somebody get a U-boat
over to aisle four,
so she doesn't trip
over that wonky floor tile?
[Dina] Hey.
I thought you might want a snack
since you're stuck back here.
So you thought I was gonna
eat five bags of Doritos?
No, I just wanted
to give you flavor options.
I'll put the rest of them back.
No, I don't wanna make more work for you.
Thank you. Very thoughtful.
Hey, it really means a lot
that you came back here
even knowing you'd have to deal
with the Jonah of it all.
Yeah, well, I mean, it's less weird
than I thought it would be.
It's actually kinda nice.
I mean, it's nice to see everybody.
Anyway, so you're really not with Garrett?
Oh, he wishes.
Yeah, he's obsessed with me.
I'll take pity on him.
We go to the odd dinner.
I spend, like, three nights
a week at his house.
We take weekend trips.
[laughs]
He loves it. It's pathetic.
What is she doing?
She's calling someone.
[cell phone chiming]
She's calling me.
Why is she calling me?
Okay, I'm gonna call her back
from the office.
Hey, do you want…
Yeah. That's what I thought.
This fire down in my soul ♪
Now can't you see
It's burning out of control… ♪
Hey, sorry to make you hop on a call.
Oh, please. Come on.
We are in a pandemic, girl.
I'm either talking to you
or my houseplants.
[chuckles]
-[Megan] Don't you have two children?
-I do. Yeah, I do.
Uh, so what's up?
Well, I was looking
at the store schematics,
and the café and pharmacy
are complete flipped.
Just wanna make sure
you sent the right ones.
Oh, yeah, actually,
when the tornado happened--
Hey, you know,
I think it's really messed up
that you came all the way back here,
and you haven't even said hi to me.
I'm so sorry, Megan,
um, my neighbor just barged in.
That work-from-home life, am I right?
Also, you left your trash cans
in my driveway.
Whoa, was that just an earthquake?
Nope. False alarm.
You never do know out here in California.
Sorry, sir, I'm gonna have to ask you
to step back a few feet.
I mean, yards. Yards, you know.
Forget what I said about feet.
Just forget it.
[Jonah] You good, Glenn?
No, I'm not good.
Tell me, how do you think he removed them?
Do you think maybe
they just fell off like acorns?
You know what, buddy? Maybe.
[Marcus] Feet!
-[Jonah] No, no, Marcus!
-Shh!
No, you don't understand,
there's a bunch of [bleep] feet here.
I just came to move these out of bedding,
'cause, like, why are there drinks here?
And then boom! Six [bleep] severed feet!
Well, it's eight, but it's, it's fine.
Just calm down,
and we'll explain everything.
I'm sorry, did you just say
"severed feet"?
Yeah, but we're pretty sure
they just fell off like acorns.
Why are you guys acting
like this is normal?
It's [bleep] sick!
There's eight feet in a duffel bag!
[Jonah] Wow, that's crazy.
Yeah, I, I don't remember that,
but "lost" did get pretty weird
at the end.
Ah, this is so disgusting and scary.
This is what I'll think about
every time I come into the store.
Marcus! Stop.
-[siren wailing]
-[quirky music sting]
We can't let a bag of feet
be her last impression of the store.
[Jonah sighs]
I know.
I, I'd go talk to her, but I only know
who she is because of you.
She'd know that you were helping us.
Oh, I could slash her tires
to keep her here longer.
Huh, I don't know what car is hers,
so I guess I could just do them all.
Um, thanks, Chey, but maybe not yet.
-[Cheyenne] Okay.
-Hey, guys, we'd love
to get an employee's thoughts
on all of this.
Would any of you be willing
to do an interview?
-No, we're not gonna do that.
-It'll just take a minute.
Actually, yeah, I, I will.
So I cleaned out all the old
Filet-O-Fish boxes from your trunk,
except for the one labeled "private,"
which I will neither judge
nor ask questions about.
Mateo, thank you.
You know what? You've convinced me.
-You're hired.
-Oh, thank God.
I mean, I really hope we save this place,
but it's starting to give off
a real "portal to hell" vibe.
-Mm.
-How about 25 an hour?
Sure.
So that means I can hire you
for about eight hours total.
Does next Tuesday work for you?
Just one day?
[chuckles]
I was thinking it would be more
of a full-time thing,
you know, just so I could eat and stuff.
-I don't have that kind of money.
-What? You just got a huge settlement.
Yeah, I thought so too,
but when you add up lawyer fees and taxes,
and all my texts they discovered
about wanting to get injured here,
it ended up only being about 20 thou.
Anyway, I'm gonna try
to get Cheyenne's friend
to take his shirt off.
[Mateo] You do that.
Today, a new chapter
in one of St. Louis's darkest stories.
A duffel bag filled
with eight severed human feet
has turned up inside
the Ozark Highlands Cloud 9 store.
One employee has agreed
to tell us what he knows.
Jonah, this is not the first time feet
have been found here.
In fact, the internet
has already dubbed this store
Toe-zark Highlands.
Is, is that, is that so?
That's the first I'm hearing of it.
Why do you think he or she…
But let's be honest, he sees your store
as an ideal dumping ground?
Uh, well, Natalie,
he, he probably likes it
for the same reason
everybody else does, you know.
Our fast and friendly service,
our convenient parking,
and our strong sense of community.
-[Natalie] I see.
-I don't think he answered her question.
Yeah, it's a tough pivot.
This is the first time multiple feet
have been delivered at once.
Do you believe this is
some sort of gruesome final event?
I don't know why you think
I would have anything useful
to say on that front,
um, but you know what's never final?
Any purchase that you make here.
Let me, let me tell you
about our return policy.
So you're not concerned
this is hurting business?
I might think twice
about shopping at this store.
Okay, yeah, a lot of feet turn up here.
I'm sorry we're not
literally perfect, Natalie.
Yikes.
We just… We, we keep trying
to show everybody
that we're the perfect store,
and, and the truth is we're not.
Okay? We're, we're just us.
But we're here every single day.
When it rains, when it snows,
when it, when it tornadoes,
when there's a plague,
and you're all safe at home,
except for when you come here to cough.
We're here, just, just trying
to get you what you need.
And, and all we want
is to keep doing that.
Emotions running high here,
preventing people from staying on topic.
Back to you, Skip.
[sighs]
That was great.
Really?
-Yeah.
-You guys! She's heading out.
Okay.
Wait, Amy, no, what are you…
She can't know that you're…
Megan.
Yep, that's right.
I've been here the whole time.
Amy Sosa.
Oh, right.
I'm sorry, I didn't know
what you looked like.
-Don't tell Dina.
-Never.
Wait, why are you here?
Look, um…
I know that the foot thing is bad.
I'm not trying to say that it's not,
but you can't close this store.
You, you just… You can't.
I, I don't have a good reason why.
But these people are my family.
I, I, I grew up here.
I spent half of my life--
Amy, we're not closing this one.
What?
Really?
It has great square footage,
nice and central.
It'll make a perfect fulfillment center.
-A fulfillment center?
-Mm-hm.
So it's not gonna be a store anymore?
Well, what about everybody's jobs?
Well, I'm sure they'll keep
a handful of people, but…
No. You can't just do this to us.
Well, Amy, you'll keep your job.
[soft somber music]
No, I won't.
'Cause I quit.