Inside No. 9 (2014) s07e02 Episode Script

1
Bore da, dosbarth naw.
Bore da, Mr. Edwards.
Dyma'ch athro newydd Mr. Curtis
ac mae'n mynd I'ch
dysgu chi yn Saesneg.
I was telling them
you're going to be taking
all your lessons in English,
which is a very important skill
for those adventurers amongst you
who might be thinking about
leaving the village in the future.
Mr. Curtis used to teach
at a school in London
so I'm sure he'll have all
sorts of exciting stories
to tell us.
They pay L2 for a coffee,
don't they?
And the rest.
Oh, dearie me, imagine that!
Now, as you all know,
your previous teacher,
Mr. King, had to leave us
after a wonderful year.
I know, I know.
But he has sent us this
postcard from his travels,
and I wondered if one of you
would like to read it to the class.
- Me!
- Me.
Ceri,
would you care to do the honours?
Good girl.
"Dear Class 9,
greetings from down under.
"I'm having an amazing time
"and I'm thinking of you,
as you start your next chapter.
"I cherish the memory
of our time together
"and getting to know
all of you so closely.
"Much love, Mr. King."
What a man!
What a teacher, what a man.
Anyway, back down to reality.
Mr. Curtis, over to you.
Thank you, Headmaster.
So, here's a question
what's the difference
between me and Pinocchio?
I'm glad to be in Wales.
Ah, now that is because
Pinocchio was eaten by a whale.
Have I got that right, Mr. Curtis?
Yes, it was just a joke.
It was a joke, Class 9.
A joke.
Carry on.
So, as you all know,
our end-of-term assembly is going
to be all about the environment.
So, what does that mean?
Anyone.
- Euan?
- Erm
Our classroom?
Yes, that's our immediate
surroundings, what else?
Ooh, fields!
Yes, good. It's any place
where people and plants
and animals actually live and grow.
So what types of things
will affect our environment?
Oh, human beans, sir.
What's that, Gwen?
Human beans.
Not human beans,
we're not vegetables,
but human beings, yes,
we certainly have an impact.
And we can affect our environment
in positive ways and
in negative ways.
So, what are some of the
positive things that we can do?
Ceri?
Recycling.
Very good, Ceri. Yes. Recycling.
Anyone else?
Well, who here has
heard of Greta Thunberg?
None of you?
OK. Er
You've probably all
heard of global warming?
No? How about climate change?
OK, well, you should have
covered some of this last year,
but let me ask you this
What do you think
causes hurricanes?
God farting!
No, don't be silly, Owen.
This is actually a
really serious subject.
So, for your homework,
I want you all to go home
and learn all about global
warming and the ozone layer.
Sir, Mr. King said we
didn't have to do homework.
Well, I'm really sorry,
but Mr. King isn't your teacher now,
I am.
You know,
I don't know if you realise it,
but this is the number one topic
that's going to affect
you and all your futures,
so it really isn't something that
you can afford to be ignorant about!
Sorry.
Now,
I want you all to do a paragraph
and bring it in on Monday.
Right,
you can all get your books out
and do silent reading for
20 minutes. Off you go.
Oh, Headmaster?
Er, could I have a word?
Of course, Alan. How can I help?
I wondered if you had an
email address for Mr. King.
Email
Is that the one with
the little blue bird?
No, I think that's Twitter.
That's right, yes, tash-tag.
Email is the @ sign,
isn't it? Yes, I think I've got
a piece of paper with
that on in my office.
Oh, thanks,
it's just I'd love to talk to him
about what he covered last year and
what curriculum he's been using.
Well, no problem.
I'll ask Megan to dig it out
and I'll get back to you.
Thanks.
All good otherwise?
Er, yeah, I think so.
Have you started rehearsing
for your assembly yet?
Mr. King's were always very lavish.
Like West End theatre productions!
Well, I'll
I'll try and make mine Wicked.
That's a musical. Ah.
Another one of your jokes.
Well, I look forward to it.
Always a joy to see the
children take centre stage.
We're a small school,
Alan, as you can see,
and we've very nearly been
closed down a few times,
but bringing in teachers
such as yourself,
with all your
experience of the world,
it really helps the children grow,
you know?
Well, that's That's all I want,
Headmaster, it really is.
Jolly good. Right, well,
I'll get that bmail for you,
and I'll get Megan to
send it to you as a text.
Take that, Ofsted!
- That's very good. Is that going
to be a pumpkin? Great. - Yes.
With some scary eyes on it.
Make sure that your
paint isn't dripping
when you hang up your paintings,
OK?
- Is yours still wet, Owen?
- Er, yes, sir.
Well,
put it on top of the tray for now.
That's fantastic.
And then, when it is dry,
we will stick them
all up on the display.
Oh, thank you, Ceri, that's great.
OK, you've got 15 minutes.
Aprons off, go and have a play.
Walking. That's it, off you go.
Ceri, could I have a word with you,
please?
I mean, what were you thinking?
Hmm?
Those tadpoles are not going to
turn into frogs now, are they?
Why not?
Because you boiled
them in the kettle.
I mean,
why would you do that, Ceri?
Global warming.
I asked you to research it,
not recreate it.
Mr. King once ate a goldfish.
Yeah, well,
I don't care what Mr. King did.
I'm getting a bit
concerned about you, Ceri.
I mean, last week,
you pushed Simon's face into
his birthday cake, didn't you?
What if his hair had
caught fire on the candles?
Have you seen that
Michael Jackson video?
Not the one about licking boys'
bottoms,
the one where his hair caught fire.
It very nearly disfigured him
even more.
Who's Michael Jackson?
Never mind.
Is there anything going on at home
that you want to tell me about?
- We're having an extension.
- OK.
Are Mummy and Daddy getting
on all right? No shouting?
Something upsetting you?
I don't want the world to end.
Well, it's not going to end.
- Who said it's going to end?
- The stinking rebellion.
Who?
You asked us to read
about it for homework.
You mean the climate
change protesters?
It frightened me.
Oh, you mustn't be frightened,
Ceri.
I mean, you should feel
that emotion and then do
something positive with it.
It's all right.
There, there.
Sorry it frightened you.
Now, do you want to go
and play outside or
or do you want to
stay inside with me?
Stay with you.
Good girl.
Good girl.
Little bit peckish, are we?
Oh, sorry, Headmaster,
I was just, erm,
just practising a
trick for the children.
Well, that's one way of
teaching the food chain.
I I just wanted to have
a quiet word with you, Alan,
- if you don't mind.
- Yes, of course.
When you came in
for your interview,
you said you were keen to
move to a smaller school,
like ours,
away from the cut and thrust,
shall we say,
of inner-city education
and embrace a quieter pace of life.
Yes, it's, erm,
literally what the doctor ordered.
Now, I know it's important
we talk sensitively
about mental health,
so I just wanted to clarify
You went a bit doolally,
didn't you?
No. No, I
It was just the workload.
I was exhausted,
both physically, mentally.
I did lose myself for a time,
but, erm, coming here's
done me the world of good.
Why do you ask?
Well, the thing is
an allegation has
been made against you,
and it's my duty to investigate it.
- What allegation?
- I can't divulge that at the moment.
- Well, who's made it?
- She doesn't want to say.
- So it's a girl?
- She may or may not be.
The point is I
promised Ceri's parents
that she, or he,
would have absolute anonymity.
- So it's Ceri?
- Yes.
Right.
So now you've wormed that
out of me, can you tell me
in your own words
what happened Tuesday morning,
break time?
- What do you mean, what happened?
- Nothing happened.
She'd been behaving
strangely for a while.
She killed all the tadpoles.
I kept her behind to
talk to her about it.
And at no point did you ask her
if she wanted to play
the hairy meat whistle?
What? No.
And you didn't say,
"Do you want to see how sir
can make his own tadpoles?"
- Definitely not, that's horrible.
- Are you sure?
Yes,
I think I'd remember saying that.
Well, where do you suppose
she's got this from, then?
Because I don't recall that
being in the Biff and Chip books.
I don't know.
Maybe she saw something
inappropriate online,
it happens all the time.
Not with our Wi-Fi connection,
it doesn't.
It takes me all weekend to
download one Countryfile.
Did you talk to her about
Michael Jackson doing things
with boys' anuses?
Yes, but I never said anuses.
Well, that's something.
Now,
I've talked the girl's parents down
from making an official complaint,
but I don't want to
drag the police into it
if I can help it.
We're an independent
school and we like to deal
with these types of things
within the community.
What, so this has happened before?
You're new here,
and I'm not being funny,
but I don't know you from Alan.
- It's Adam.
- Oh, sorry, I thought it was Alan.
I'm sure you understand, Adam,
that, as head of this school,
I have to establish the
facts of this matter
before I can allow Ceri back
into your clutches, so to speak.
Yes, of course.
You want me to make a statement?
No,
I want you to show me your penis.
What?
The girl has given quite
a vivid description
and I believe made
a Plasticine model,
but I didn't want to touch it.
I need to see if this
tallies with the real thing.
So I've got to do an identity
parade? What if it's not mine?
Are you going to take it around
the kingdom like Cinderella?
Don't be facetious, Adam,
I'm trying to get to the bottom
of this, one way or the other.
Either you're lying
or the girl's lying.
I just can't believe this.
I can always contact your
union representative
No
No.
Well, just make it quick,
all right?
All very neat and tidy,
that's what I like to see.
What are you looking for, exactly?
Ah, now that would be telling.
They say
they're like snowflakes
no two are alike.
This is ridiculous.
Oh, sorry, Winnie,
we're a bit busy here.
Hello, Mr. Curtis, you're here late.
Is it all right for
me to clean now?
Not just at the moment.
Oh, don't worry about Winnie,
she's blind as a bat.
It's fine, Winnie,
you go right ahead.
Is that you, Mr. Edwards?
I didn't see you down there.
You keeping busy?
Yes, I've got my hands full,
as usual.
Don't worry,
I can clean around you.
I have to save some time to
tackle the boys' toilets.
The size of some of those stools
I don't know what their
mothers feed them.
Like airport Toblerones,
some of them.
Are you all done here?
I think so, yes.
I'll be in touch once I've
got my head around this.
Thank you, Adam.
We were just, erm,
discussing a possible arts project.
Oh, I thought he was taking
photographs of your cock.
OK, Class 9, I'm handing out
these worksheets on fractions.
You have got 15 minutes.
Do as many as you can.
Remember to put your
names at the top, please.
Sir, what happened to Ceri?
What do you mean?
- Where is she?
- I don't know.
Now tight lips, please, Owen.
We listen with these, not these.
Quiet.
I said, quiet!
What have you got there?
Owen, what is that?
- Nothing, sir!
- I'm not an idiot, show me.
All right, who's got it?
Give it to me. Give it to me now.
What's this? Gwen?
Gwen?
Carrot, sir.
A carrot?
Well, why are you laughing, then?
Is it because this bit
looks like a penis?
A big floppy penis?!
Everything all right, Mr. Curtis?
Yes, we were just doing
fractions andbiology.
Interesting combination.
I have young Ceri Morgan for you.
Ceri, would you like to
take a seat? Good girl.
Everything, er,
all right now, Headmaster?
Yes, yes, all cleared up,
no further action required.
Suffice to say there was
quite a big discrepancy
between the two images.
In your favour, I have to add.
So, you know, every cloud
Oh, well. Good, thanks.
As you were.
It's nice to have you back, Ceri.
Just to say,
if you're struggling to
find the right answer
don't just make something up,
because that has consequences.
Just put your hand
up and talk to me.
I can't help you if I
don't know what's going on.
So don't go behind my back.
OK? Good.
Oh. Hi, Winnie.
Oh, hello, dear.
I just wondered if you
wanted to take a leek.
Sorry?
For the harvest festival.
I've had a good crop this year.
Nice big potatoes, radishes
My turnips have won prizes,
you know.
Well, congratulations.
Winnie
What was, erm,
Mr. King like with the children?
Oh, well,
I'm not in the lessons, like.
They all seemed to love him.
He was a real star!
Quite a dish, too.
He sounds too good to be true.
Well, your, erm,
neeps are very impressive, Winnie.
Thank you.
This is a brand-new Playtex.
Lift and separate.
I, er, meant the vegetables.
Well, that's Mother
Nature working her magic.
Winnie, I promised the headmaster
I'd get those reports to
him by the end of the day
it's completely slipped my mind.
You don't,
ermYou don't happen to have a
key to his office, do you?
Please?
Oh, go on, then.
As long as you're quick.
Thank you. I'll be two minutes.
No King.
Headmaster, it's Alan Curtis.
Oh, hello, Adam,
what can I do for you?
I need to talk to you
urgently about several things,
firstly about Mr. King.
This school has no record of
him ever having worked here.
What's that?
Sorry, it's a very bad line.
Something about Mr. King?
The class teacher last
year was a Mr. Hardy,
a completely different person.
I don't know what this
King has been doing here,
being given access to children,
but
I think there's
been abuse going on,
it's been covered up,
and I think you, Mr. Edwards,
are part of it!
I'm losing you, Adam,
it's a terrible connection.
I'm just in the field -
I'll come and see you shortly, OK?
You won't get away with this,
do you hear?
Oh, Class 9, what's this?
We want to show you our assembly.
Oh, well, I was just going
to do quiet reading today,
but, erm,
maybe tomorrow we could
Oh, please, sir,
we've been working really
hard on what you taught us.
Er OK, go ahead.
Welcome to our assembly!
We have glued ourselves to
the Prime Minister's house
to protest against climate change.
Ha! Very good.
Global warming is the biggest
threat to our planet, planet Earth.
What can we do to stop it?
Hey, you! What are you doing?
Me? Nothing. It's only plastic.
Plastic is slowly choking me
filling my oceans
and killing wildlife.
What can I do?
Recycling!
Take that.
We'll recycle him later.
Oh, I don't think that's
appropriate, Class 9.
What have you done to this chair?
Superglue.
You're part of the protest too,
sir.
That isn't funny, Ceri.
All right, stop this now.
Saving the planet started
thousands of years ago.
In the beginning, the Earth Goddess
was the one who expressed
herself through the many.
She was the great void,
the beginning of all things.
All souls were born
from her sacred womb,
lived for a span upon her body,
the Earth,
then returned to her
tomb-womb at death.
Tomb-womb?
I'm sorry,
I don't think that's key stage 2.
But Mr. King said
Look,
I don't know who this Mr. King was
or what he was teaching you,
but it's not normal, all right?
I'm going to make an
official complaint.
Now please get me
out of this chair.
In the 15th century,
Peru children were
sacrificed to the gods
to try and end natural disasters.
But in modern times,
we the children are demanding
sacrifices of our own.
What are you talking about?
Wait, wait, is this why
you killed the tadpoles?
- To try and end climate change?
- No talking, Mr. King.
We listen with these, not these.
I'm not Mr. King!
Tight lips, sir.
No, no, don't
We have learned about
reusable energy.
We have learned about
recycling and rebirth.
John Barleycorn was the
first man to recycle himself,
to replenish the Earth's bounty.
This is his story.
# There were three men
come out of the west
# Their fortunes for to try
# And these three
men made a solemn vow
John Barleycorn should die ♪
What on earth is going on here?!
What do you think you're doing?
We're doing our assembly, sir.
Assembly?
That's not till next week.
Are you all right, Mr. Curtis?
What have they done to your mouth?
We were about to tell the
story of John Barleycorn.
Ah, my favourite part. Carry on.
John Barleycorn represents
the life cycle of the field.
He is crowned once a year at the
start of the harvest festival
and revered as the Corn King.
Last year, as you discovered,
Mr. Hardy was given the honour.
This year, the crown is yours.
We discovered you are
as nature intended.
Uncut and still sheathed.
A perfect candidate
for our new corn king.
Thank you, Ceri,
you did it beautifully.
When his reign is ended,
the King is returned to the land
and honoured with a triple death
drowned, strangled and dismembered,
his broken body buried in the field
to ensure a fertile harvest.
Like human beans!
Exactly, Gwen, like human beans.
You and your fancy friends in London
may pat yourselves on the back
that you've finally woken up
to environmental issues, but
we've been doing our bit for
the planet for centuries now.
Come, children.
The King is dead.
Long live the King.
Long live the King!
Winnie, we're ready for you now.
You're going to do my
leeks the world of good.
# There were three men
come out of the west
# Their fortunes for to try
# And these three
men made a solemn vow
# John Barleycorn should die
# Fa la la la la, fa la la la la
# Fa la la la la la la
# Fa la la la la, fa la la la la
# Fa la la la la la la
# They wheeled him
all around the field
# A prisoner to endure
# And in the barn poor Barleycorn
# They laid him upon the floor
# Fa la la la la, fa la la la la
# Fa la la la la la la
# Fa la la la la, fa la la la la
# Fa la la la la la la
# They hired men with
the crab tree sticks
# To cut him skin from bone
# And the miller,
he served him worse than that
# For he ground him
between two stones
# Fa la la la la, fa la la la
# Fa la la la la la
# Fa la la la la, fa la la la la
Fa la la la la la la ♪