Inside No. 9 (2014) s07e01 Episode Script

Merrily, Merrily

1 Laurence! Oh, my God! How are you? Hey, Callum! You're looking good! I think the last time I saw you was this century, wasn't it? It was.
Kenzie's wedding, so June 2010.
Was it really? Yeah.
God, poor old Kenzie.
Poor Kenzie's wife.
Well, quite.
Are they still together? No, no, no.
He lives in Germany now.
We're Facebook friends.
Are you? Well, you know, I don't do any of that social media crap.
No, I noticed.
You didn't want to be LinkedIn, in spite of several attempts.
Bless you for trying, Laurence, but I'm too old.
I prefer seeing people face-to-face.
Every 12 years.
HE LAUGHS Exactly.
Anyway, can you give me a hand with this? Yeah! It's very quiet.
You haven't lured me here under false pretences, have you? Closed for the winter.
A friend of Bonnie's runs it.
She let me have the key.
How is Bonnie? Will we get to see her today? Ah, yeah.
Yeah, she'll be here later.
How's your partner? Pablo? Oh, you know, we muddle through.
He's doing an online course in fine art at the moment, which is bewildering to me, but never mind.
He'd have loved this.
Beautiful, isn't it? Remind you of the good old days? Which good old days? Uni! We used to go for those big walks round the lake.
Oh! Yeah.
A little bit.
So few places nowadays where you can actually find peace.
Oi, oi, saveloy! Brap-brap-brap-brap-brap! Oh, Jesus, you never told me Darren was coming.
I told you it was a reunion.
Hi, Dazza! All right, lads? How are we? Come here! Give us a hug! Ohhh! So good to see you, mate! Yeah, you too.
Hey, you've still got the old university scarf, you saddo! This is my third one.
They keep updating it.
I think this one has got a slightly And Cal's all glammed up in his Marks & Sparks Blue Harbour gear.
Er, Hugo Boss, you cheeky sod! What have you come as? You look like a homeless Shakin' Stevens.
Eh, it's the latest fashions.
Do they not have this in that London, eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Ah! It's been a while, hasn't it? Kenzie's wedding, apparently.
Oh, God, yeah, course.
Is he coming? No, no, he's in Germany.
It's just us three, like in the good old days.
The three amigos.
What? I thought it was like a big fuck-off party cruise with loads of people.
Sorry, have I got the shit end of the stick here? No, no, it's going to be great.
I've got it all planned.
We're going to get out on the lake when it gets dark.
We've got so much to catch up on.
Fuckin' hell! Anyone got a dock leaf? I think I've just stung me fanny on a nettle.
Sorry, "front bum".
Hiya! Who's this? It's me new bird, Donna.
I promised her we were going out on a boat.
We are.
Oh, shit Hello, hello.
I'm Donna.
Pleased to meet you.
Hi! Callum.
Hey, it's well nice here, innit? Me mum's got a tray like this.
Wait till I tell her! Hey, has the yacht got an inside bit? Cos I'm freezing me tits off already.
Er, Darren, could you give me a hand? Oh, yeah, course.
What are you playing at? The invite was for you only.
Well, I was trying to impress her, wasn't I? We've only been shagging for a few weeks.
I wanted it to be just the four of us.
It is! What's the matter, Larry? I wish you'd told me, that's all.
It makes things very awkward.
It's awkward for me, an' all.
I thought it was all plus-ones and wristbands.
She's missing her mate's hen do for this.
So, does this take us to the party boat? Yeah.
Yeah, just, er, jump on the paedo and we'll be off.
You what? We're just going to have a quick go on the paedo.
You mean "pedalo".
Is that what it's called? I thought they were called paedos.
I thought it was a bit weird! Right, well, come on, let's cast off.
Ladies first.
I'm not sitting in that.
The seats are all wet.
Actually, the cold water will help with your vaginal irritation.
Er, 'scuse me, his name is Darren.
She got you! Here we go.
You ready? Bloody hell! These are brand-new! You all right? Come on.
Oh Christ! Here we go.
I haven't done this for years! Hey, it's great, innit? Going to be like Ibiza, babe! Whoo-whoo! Whoo-whoo! Whoa, this is cool, isn't it? It's charming.
Three Men In A Boat, To Say Nothing Of The Dog.
Er, sorry, say that again.
It's, er, Jerome K Jerome.
Full title.
Only five minutes, and he's calling me a dog.
Probably just admiring your puppies.
I thought you said he was, er Oh, no, that's me.
Oh! Could never tell.
Are you the one that knows Judge Rinder off Strictly? Our paths have crossed.
Cos Darren said he's going to be at the party.
I only said he might be! I only said he might be.
Well, stranger things have happened at sea.
So, you were all at school together? No, university.
Callum was a medical student.
I was reading psychology.
Oh, I've seen that - where she gets stabbed in t'shower.
I didn't know they'd made a book of it, though.
What did you do? Er, nothing.
I dropped out in t'second year.
It was boring.
Darren was studying, er, sports science, if that's not an oxymoron.
Bloody hell! He's calling you a dog and me a moron.
I thought you were supposed to be my mate.
He still teaches there, y'know, Phil Crawford.
Does he? Creepy Crawford? He was a bit of a pedalo.
How do you know? Oh, didn't I tell you? I work there.
At our uni? The psychology department.
Since when? About eight years! I put it all in my Christmas round-robin.
Don't you read them? Oh, I think it must just go straight into my spam folder.
Bloody hell! So, what's it like there now? Oh, it's exactly the same.
The library, the common room They even dress up the Newton statue every freshers' week.
What statue? The Isaac Newton one! We put a dress on it in our first week, with apples for breasts.
Don't you remember? Vaguely.
Come on! I remember it like it was yesterday.
It was the funniest thing ever! You need to get out more.
Shall we just drift for a bit .
take in the view? Oh How about you two, then? Where did you meet? Five Guys.
He spilt an Oreo milkshake all down me back.
I think he was just trying to get my attention.
Worked, though, didn't it? Sounds very romantic.
Have you been in Five Guys, Callum? Oh, at least.
So, are you and Bonnie still living in the same place? Yeah.
Rattling round now, of course, cos Alex is at uni.
I'm an empty-nester.
How about your two? Oh, smashing, yeah.
Yeah, I don't get to see them as much as I'd like, y'know.
But I've got them for a couple of weeks in the summer.
You wanna go t'Disney, don't you? Yeah.
You can have breakfast with the characters.
I can't decide between Goofy's Kitchen and Ariel's Grotto.
Not sure I fancy eating somewhere called Ariel's Grotto.
Oh, I would! Don't ruin it, you pig! Pabby and I are going to take the girls to Cornwall this year, have a staycation.
You've got girls? I didn't know.
Yeah, five and nine.
Well, good for you! What are their names? Millie and Liza.
We're absolutely run off our feet with them, but you adjust, don't you? Your life becomes about them.
Oh, yeah, true.
Do you have pictures? Yeah, of course! Proud dad! Actually, I'm a grandfather now.
You what? Yeah.
We took Millie to a breeding kennel.
She had a litter of five.
Our beautiful girls.
I see.
Not quite the same thing.
Anyway, shall we press on? Oh, hang on, hang on.
I'm not ready yet.
Can I have a go at pedalling? It'd be good for me glutes.
No, you don't know where we're going.
I do.
Oh, let her have a go.
What's the problem? I just don't want to veer off course, that's all.
Come on, Laurence, it's not Shackleton.
She can swap with me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Help me, then! All right, there we go.
Whoopsie-daisy! Careful! How do you work it? You just put your feet on the pedals.
Hey, it's fun, innit? Right, let's get to this party! Woohoo! Fuckin' hell.
This is hard work, innit? It's like a spin class.
How long have I been doing it? Two minutes.
Ohhh! Sweating cobs! Can't have Judge Rinder seeing me like this.
Will there be cabins on the boat to freshen up? Who wants a bevvy? Larry? No, thank you.
Cal? Why not? Do you want them Doritos, babe? This time yesterday, I was draining a pelvic abscess.
Don't say that, you're making we want a wee.
So, er, are you still at the Royal Free? Yeah, head of obs and gynae now, which is quite a responsibility.
Well done, mate.
I'm really proud of you.
Thank you.
How about you? You were .
teaching PE in some god-awful school, weren't you? Supply, yeah.
I jacked it in, though.
Kids can be cruel little fuckers.
I was.
I was a total bitch.
Calmed down a lot now.
Are you actually pedalling, or? I'm doing it! What are you up to now? Oh, this and that, y'know.
Tell him! Don't be embarrassed.
Well .
I'm a children's author.
Really? Congratulations! Are you published? No, not yet, no.
Er, still at the development stage, y'know, mapping out the structure, an' that.
Tell him your idea.
It's brilliant.
No! Go on, have confidence in it.
All right, well, basically, it's like a hardback book, and on the first page there'll be a picture of a ball and on the opposite page the word "ball".
So, you turn the page, and there'll be a picture of a boy and on the opposite page the word "Boy.
" Have I told you about it already? No.
Carry on.
So on the next page there'll be a boy and a ball, and it'd say something like, "Boy got ball," or, "Boy play with ball.
" I haven't really worked it all out yet.
So it's like baby's first words.
Yeah, but with a story gradually developing out of it.
I've read it twice.
Made me cry.
Sorry, Darren, this isn't an authored book, is it? It's just words and pictures.
Well, like I say, it's early days.
I think people will buy it.
They are buying it! It already exists.
It's hardly going to make you into the next JK Rowling, is it? All right, Callum, you don't have to shoot it down in flames.
We can't all be elbow-deep in fannies every day.
Can we not talk like that, please? I could be where you are now, top of me tree, on a good wage, but I never had the chance, did I? If I'd have graduated, I could've made something of meself.
Could've been a contender? Yes! Yeah.
In sports science? Give me a break! Leave it, Callum! You can't possibly compare me doing seven years of medical training to you playing rounders and learning about Lucozade.
I was good at it.
Really? Yes.
So why did you drop out, then? I'll drop you out in a minute! That's enough! I didn't invite you both here today just so you could open up old wounds.
I wanted it to be a celebration of who we used to be.
As opposed to who we are? Uni was 30 years ago, Laurence.
Move on! Sorry, I think something's happened.
Why's it not going? What? Pedals are stuck.
Er All right, try going backward.
We're tangled up in all these weeds, look.
They're everywhere.
Oh, for Christ's sake! This is all your fault! Why didn't you look where we were going? What do you mean, look where I was going? We're on an empty lake, mate! Yes, which makes it even more idiotic! Don't blame her, Laurence.
It was an accident.
Keep waggling the pedals.
She wasn't even meant to be here! Er, excuse me, I was invited to this party by Darren.
For God's sake, there is no party! This was supposed to be a reunion of three friends from university.
I wanted everything to be perfect.
You've managed to ruin it! Darren, is that true? I cocked up, didn't I? I didn't read the invite properly.
This is it.
This is the party.
So, what, Judge Rinder's not even coming? Doubtful.
I'm missing Gemma's hen night for this? They'll have a stripper helicoptering all over them now in Sugar Hut while we're playing Swallows And fucking Amazons.
Soz, babe.
I'll make it up to you.
Oh, shove it up your arse! So, I think that's everyone fallen out with everyone.
Reunion 101.
What are we going to do now? Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream Row, row, row your boat Gently to the shore If you see a lion there Don't forget to roar ♪ Roarrrr! Row, row, row your ♪ Please stop.
So, what are you going to do? Just sit here and wait for someone to find us? Is that your plan? Yes.
I told you, I saw someone earlier over there.
Probably a fisherman.
Well, it's going to be dark in half an hour.
That's all I'm saying.
Can't one of us go under and untangle the pedals? Not recommended.
The water's freezing.
You'd have hypothermia within 20 minutes.
Right, well, I'm sorry, but you're all going to need to look over there.
Why? Have you seen someone? No, because I need to do a wee.
Oh, no, are you serious? Yes! I've been busting for ages.
It's all the tinkling of the water.
Well, talk amongst yourselves.
I don't want you listening to it.
Good idea, actually.
Might kill off some of the weeds.
It's not acid! Oh! Bonus ball.
I like her.
This is the story of my life.
What, listening to a woman pissing off a paedo? Pedalo.
No, being stuck.
When we graduated, I stayed in the area, married Bonnie, did a PGCE.
Next thing, I'm back teaching the same course I just graduated from.
You've all moved on and had lives.
I'm still living in 1989.
I wouldn't worry about it, Larry.
You've not missed much.
Although Game Of Thrones was pretty good.
Even then, they ruined the ending.
Well, I'm not going to do that.
All right, I'm done.
You can turn round now.
Oof! Do you think that's why they say, "Relieve yourself," cos you're relieved you've not pissed your pants? Oh, come on! This is ridiculous! I thought you said Bonnie was going to be here.
She is.
Well, call her.
Tell her to come early.
There's no signal.
Well, can't we all just check again? Yeah, I'm sure I had a couple of bars earlier.
Is she still on the same number? What network are you on? Give us your phone, Larry.
Give it to us! There's no point.
Why not?! Because Bonnie's dead! What? She's dead.
She died.
A year ago.
It was a short illness.
And she was very brave.
She's in here.
Sorry, is? Is Bonnie a guinea pig? No.
She was my wife.
I just got confused cos of him and his dog daughters.
I'm really sorry, mate.
Why didn't you tell us? I wanted to.
I didn't know how.
I wanted to see you face-to-face.
It's not the sort of thing you can say in an email or round-robin.
A week went by, and then a month, and then, in the end That's why I I wanted to have you both here today, one year on.
You were there when we met, you were there when we married.
I wanted you to be there for the final goodbye .
because even though I know that we don't see each other any more .
you're still my best friends.
So you wanted us to be here to scatter her ashes? Yeah.
Sort of.
Oh, my God! Jesus, Laurence! Where's he gone? Laurence, come back, man! You'll freeze to death! Laurence! Can you still see him? Yeah, I think so.
What's he playing at? He always talked about how he proposed to Bonnie on an island.
I thought he meant the Caribbean or somewhere, but .
it must be that one there.
I can't believe she died and he never told you.
I suppose that's what all those LinkedIn requests were.
I feel terrible now.
I bet you do! Poor man.
I nearly cried when he said you two were his best friends.
We were.
Used to be.
But .
life moves on, doesn't it? Not for Bonnie.
Maybe I have become too self-absorbed.
But we're all dealing with our own shit, aren't we? Yours is mostly dog shit, by the sound of it.
His wife's died.
You can't just scoop that up in a little blue bag and hang it off a tree.
I once did one in a paintpot and left it in the cellar.
I was moving house, so it didn't really matter.
If it's any consolation, I absolutely hate my job.
I spent years trying to get to the top, and now I'm there, I realise it was just the endeavour that was keeping me going.
I got to the end of the rainbow and found the pot of gold.
Now I'd give you anything to give it back and start again.
Like you.
I envy you.
Well, it was not a choice.
What do you mean? I didn't drop out of uni.
I got kicked out.
Really? Yeah.
I'd done so well to get me A levels, but uni was just so hard! Even if it was only sports science.
Then one day, I realised, if life gives you melons .
you're probably dyslexic.
What? I've got surface dyslexia.
I was too embarrassed to say anything at the time.
But that's why this book is so important to me.
It's not for babies.
It's for kids and adults .
like me.
Have I got to think of something bad that's happened to me now? Cos nothing really has.
I've had a great life - good mates, loving family, nice little job By the sound of it, it's cos I never went to fucking university.
Well er .
this is it.
Er, it's not gone quite according to plan.
Er, Darren .
he brought an uninvited guest .
which really irritated me, of course.
But, er, if you'd have been here, you'd have welcomed her with open arms and said, "The more the merrier," cos that's the kind of person that you were .
and why I have found it so hard .
to live without you.
Anyway, I, erm I didn't want to just scatter your ashes in the normal way, so, er .
I hope you approve.
Hang on.
What's this? "Ashes To Flashes Memorial Fireworks"? So she's I promised you a party, didn't I? Now I AM going to cry! Burn bright, Bonnie.
Burn bright.
Right, one of us needs to swim over and make sure he's all right.
Not a good idea, Darren.
Well, maybe we can get a signal over there! The water's too cold.
You'll freeze your bollocks off.
Well, do another wee in it, then! Sit down, Darren.
Don't be so stupid.
Don't call me stupid, all right?! Stop it, you two! Stop it! I'm going over there! Gerroff! Stop it! Excuse me .
do you know what happened to my friends? They got stuck in the weeds.
Were they rescued? Please, we have to do something.
There were three of them.
Don't worry about them.
They're fine.
Where are they? On the other side.
Oh! Thank God.
Did they tell you where to find me? I knew where to find you.
I've been watching you for some time.
Thank you.
Oh Really sorry.
I Laurence
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