Inside No. 9 (2014) s06e06 Episode Script

Last Night of the Proms

1 There.
I've got you a nice little blanket.
OK? Pop it on there like that, Daddy.
Sit still.
Look at you! Now, a favourite for the Last Night Of The Proms Henry Wood's Fantasia On British Sea Songs.
Dawn, you're missing The Saucy Arethusa! We'll be through in a minute! They don't half work hard on that spread, do they, Bri? Remember that cheeseboard last year? Red Leicester, White Stilton and the Shropshire Blue.
How could I forget? I was farting The National Anthem all the way home.
Using the woodwind section, I suppose? You're taking music as one of your A levels, aren't you, Ollie? - What? - Your Uncle Mick asked you a question.
You still studying music? Music Tech.
Oh, right.
On the computers and such.
Very wise.
That's the future, isn't it? Not really - it's more like the present.
Give me vinyl any day.
Music is analogue.
Needs a range of frequencies.
You lose so much compressing it into one of those little boxes.
Little boxes? iPods or whatever.
Shut up, Dad.
No-one cares.
- Wanker.
- No, I'm with you, Brian.
Sometimes, the old ways are the best.
Well, that's something we can both agree on at least.
You going to help at all with these arrangements, Penny? Or are you just gonna stand there rubbing that spoon to kingdom come? Yeah, sorry.
I was just thinking.
Ah, I thought I could smell burning.
Don't let the dog near the table! Please! Mick smashed a glass there earlier, trying to be Tom Cruise from Cocktail.
"Cockup," I told him! I always thought Brian had a bit of Tom Cruise in him.
Now I think he'd just like a bit of Tom Cruise in him.
Right, there are two bottles of water in the conservatory - one still, one sparkling.
Can you get them, please? Thank you.
Well, come on! Chop chop! Right.
You'll be needing these.
Why? Is Katherine Jenkins making an appearance? Don't be so disgusting, Brian.
They're for the sobbing.
You see, Ollie, when Henry Wood put these songs together, it was to represent the life of a British sailor in the Battle of Trafalgar.
The call to arms, the thoughts of home This one's all about the loss of a comrade, Tom Bowling.
And the Prommers, they all pretend to cry.
See? They're having a good old weep.
- Why? - It's tradition, Oliver.
Traditions are important.
Certain songs have got certain actions.
It's a middle-class Time Warp.
The Rocky Horror Show for retired schoolteachers.
Enough of your peevishness, please.
Thank you.
This is Oliver's first Last Night.
Heaven knows, it might be Daddy's last.
So let's just try and enjoy it.
Big hairy bush.
I saw you earlier, didn't I? At St Peter's.
I was putting flowers on my mum's grave.
And then I saw you outside Farmfoods on the high street.
I gave you a 2 pound coin.
Do you remember? Are you following me? No English very good.
Well, if you've come here to molest me, that's just too bad - my husband's in the other room.
Although the sound is very loud, so he probably wouldn't hear anything.
I'm Penny.
Are you a friend of Dawn and Mick's? I'd be very surprised.
She's not normally keen on people of yourgenre.
Oh, you've got lovely skin, I know that.
What was that? I don't know, a balloon or something.
Oh, he's shushing them, look! Oh, he's quite a character, this chap, isn't he? God, here we go! Jack's The Lad! This is where the fun starts! Yes, why bother with the Shostakovich and the Verdi when you can have the Blue Peter theme tune instead.
Your dad likes all the dreary ones, Oliver, but we can't stick 'em.
It doesn't get going for us until the Fantasia Of British Sea Songs.
Fantasia ON British Sea Songs.
"On!" All right! If you're going to destroy a work by honking all over it, - at least get the bloody name right! - Don't be such a snob! I'm not a snob, Dawn, I'm just a music lover.
Oh, I love it when they change the tune deliberately just to get a rise out of the conductor.
Where's your mother? It's Last Night Of The Proms.
They play it all over the world.
Well, maybe not where you're from.
This one's called The Sailor's Hornpipe.
I want to bob to it.
My husband won't bob.
We haven't bobbed in more than three years! He says it's because he's depressed about the state of the country, but that doesn't stop him watching RuPaul's Drag Race in his study till all hours of the morning! Can you feel my heart beating? Come on, Oliver! Come on, Daddy! No, I'm all right, thanks, Auntie Dawn.
No, nonsense.
You've got to get into the spirit of it.
Come on! And while we're at it, Delibes' Flower Duet is not "the British Airways music".
The Largo from Dvorak's New World Symphony is not "the Hovis music".
And O Fortuna from Carmina Burana deserves far greater respect than being dubbed "the Old Spice music".
What's Old Spice music? Theme tune to the X Factor! I can't leave Brian.
Don't ask me to.
He needs me! Please.
Where is bathroom? - Here we go! - Where are we going? Oh, we're going round.
Oh, right, Daddy! Oh, well done! Oh, my God! I'm pooped! - That's why they call it the poop deck.
- Is it? I've got no idea.
Got a gin and gin tonic itch? Ooh, yes, please.
Did you enjoy that, Daddy? Stroke my pizzle.
Can I go now, Dad? No.
See it through to the bitter end, like I have to.
Can I have a drink, then? Of course not! There's no place like home.
♪ Oh, I'm making a sampler of that.
Tuesday night craft club.
I'm going to hang it there, just beside the fireplace.
Don't you need Ralph's permission to do that? Oh, he won't mind.
Will you, Daddy? Sieg heil! Hande hoch! What's it to you, anyway? Nothing.
Oh, here she is! You just missed a stomping Hornpipe.
No, I felt it.
I heard it.
I had my hands full.
Ollie was up, boogying with the oldies.
He taught me a few moves.
Dab! Where the heck have you been? Oh, I went to get the water.
Well, this is supposed to be a family gathering and all I've got is Daddy shouting obscenities, Oliver on his mobile telephone and your husband giving me lessons on classical music.
- Sorry! - Well, come on, then, make yourself useful, please.
Thank you.
Standing there like a stick of rhubarb.
Oliver's spitting feathers.
See, The Conquering Hero Comes! Glad to see you've still got your glass full.
Well, how else am I going to get through it? What? You mean this night, or our marriage? Are you enjoying yourself, Oliver? It's all right.
What time does it finish? Auld Lang Syne.
Dab! We were going to get you a flag as part of your birthday present, weren't we, Pen? If you're talking about the EU flag, then, no, thank you very much.
Up yours, Delors! I think it's scandalous they let so many in this year.
What? Flags or foreigners? The flags! It's like bloomin' Eurovision at times.
It's supposed to be an English concert for English people.
BRITISH people, Auntie Dawn.
Aye, let's not forget the wee Scots folk out there.
And the Welsh as well, boyo.
They've got damn fine singing voices! Oh, I went a bit Pakistani there, didn't I? Boris! What have you done? Naughty dog! Naughty! Mm, who have we got singing Britannia this year? Very serious looking, isn't he? Handsome, though.
He's got a look of George Bush about him.
When Britain first ♪ Boobies! Don't laugh, Oliver, please.
It's his medication.
Pree-eee-eeety jugs! ♪ Before his diagnosis, I never once heard him say a cuss word.
Now it's like living with Sid James.
Mum? What is this? Just mineral water.
Rule, Britannia! Britannia, rules the waves ♪ Britons never ever, ever shall be slaves ♪ Rule, Britannia! Britannia, rules the waves ♪ It's "Rule", not "Rules"! Rule, comma, Britannia, exclamation mark, Britannia, comma, rule the waves.
It's an exhortation.
It's not a statement of fact! - Oh, shut up! - No, no, I won't shut up! We had our charter of the land, and you lost.
- Oh, we said we weren't going to mention that this year.
- 52%.
It's not my fault the slugs voted for more salt! You're just jealous cos we got our country back.
Oh, YOUR country?! - Yeah.
- Really? - Yes! - Brian! Well, you are welcome to it.
Look at 'em! Little England.
The Classic FM brigade.
The sort of people whose idea of humour is a pigeon landing on Centre Court at Wimbledon.
I'm sorry, Dawn, but what you don't realise is people like Rule, Britannia! Britannia, rules the waves ♪ Britons never ever, ever shall be slaves! ♪ Yeah! Makes you proud, though, doesn't it, Bri? No other country in the world could do this - the pageantry of it! Oh, I don't know.
North Koreans could give it a good go.
I'm sorry, but when did it become a crime to love your country? I mean, what happened to you to make you so full of bitterness? Oh, you love your country, do you, Dawn? Are you sure about that? - What? - He doesn't love anything.
He's a hollowed-out husk of a man! Oh, piss off! I love things.
I love my car.
I love my record collection.
I love the gym.
You love the changing rooms, - full of willies and hairy bum holes! - What?! Rule, Britannia! Britannia, rules the waves ♪ Britons never ever, ever shall be slaves ♪ Rule, Britannia! Britannia, rules the waves ♪ Britons never, ever, ever ♪ Shall be ♪ Slaves! ♪ Fan-bloody-tastic! As Mr Punch would say, "That's the way to do it!" Oh, just ignore him, Penny, he's a miserable bastard.
Oh, you calling me a bastard? - That's rich! - Well, yeah, sitting there with your snide insinuendos when we're all trying to have fun.
Oh, leave it, Dawny.
Well, look, I've got no hard feelings.
You can say that again.
And to prove it, I've got you a little birthday present.
I know it isn't your birthday for another couple of weeks, but it seemed appropriate.
I told him not to print it.
Freddie did it for me at the gym.
Bum chums.
What is it? Penny? Well, we knew you were tracing our family tree, and I thought it might be fun to do a DNA test for you.
Mick got us the swab.
Remember when I said I wanted to count your teeth, cos it had come up on the pub quiz? I managed to get a sneaky little cotton bud in there! So we sent it away to the labs in America.
They don't claim to have 100% accuracy.
You're 62% German, Fraulein Schmidt.
- What? - Bloody hell! Well, that's going back hundreds of years, mind.
Und so, ve decided to play detective and do ze test with Penny.
Und, surprisingly, her results were entirely different to yours.
And zen we did the test with Ralph, and his results were the same as Penny's.
Hmm, something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
What's he blethering on about? I was told I was conceived on holiday in Weston-super-Mare.
Well, it seems that Mummy went skiing in the Bavarian Alps.
Daddy refused to go with her.
He's always hated the Germans because of the war.
And so she went on her own.
Und brought back a rather unusual souvenir.
Achtung, baby! All right, Brian, pack it in now! Mum, I don't feel very well.
And, so, when Daddy, who, it turns out, isn't really Daddy, eventually pops his clogs, this house, where you and your tit of a husband have been cuckoos in the nest for over 20 years, is going to come to us - me and Penny, the legitimate daughter! So stick that in your meerschaum pipe and smoke it! For goodness' sake, what have you been drinking?! Water! - Jesus Christ! - Who the bloody hell's that?! He comes to take me away.
He's come to take me away.
It's all right, Dad.
Daddy Just Everybody just be calm.
How did you get in here? - Penny? Do you know this person? - No.
Well, he seems to know who you are.
No, I've never seen him before in my life! Please Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You stay where you are, mate.
Oh, now who's a Little Englander?! Oh, shut up, Helga! He could have a bomb or anything.
Put your hands up! Oh, I don't think that's necessary.
He's probably one of these illegal immigrants come from that detention centre in Yeovil.
Well, what's he doing here, then?! I don't know, he's probably just hungry.
Do you want some bread or a little bowl of milk or something? He's not a hedgehog, Mick.
Hands up! Land of hope and glory ♪ Well, I'll be blowed! Dawn! Penny! What? What is it? When I came through earlier, all this food had been eaten.
Eaten? Yeah.
The dog must have climbed up on a chair or something.
- And now - It's a miracle! Do you think he could be from Ocado? I'm sorry about this.
I just want to be sure you're not carrying a concealed weapon.
People get tied up, gagged, forcibly broken into.
I I don't want that to happen to me.
Dad he's bleeding.
He's come back, just like the song said he would.
What song? What you on about? A New Jerusalem.
You were an awfully long time in that conservatory, Penny.
You sure you don't know what's going on? I told you, I've never seen him What? I denied him three times! Oh, my Lord! I'm so sorry! I am so, so sorry! What are you talking about? I never touched him.
I think the best thing is if I just phone the police.
No! They'll persecute him and stick him in a cell.
We've got to do something, Penny.
I can't have him standing there, bleeding all over my house! - Er, it's not your house, remember? - Oh, fuck off, Brian.
You'll have to forgive my sister-in-law.
- What's your name? - Yusuf.
She's had a rather nasty shock.
She, like you, finds herself far from her motherland.
This piece of paper means nothing to me.
Do you understand? Nothing! It doesn't change who I am or what I believe in.
I love my country! And I'm sick and tired of people like you doing us down! I'm not ready to go yet! I thought you'd be pleased - coming from the land of Beethoven's Ninth and Black Forest gateau, Volkswagen and Audi.
Vorsprung durch Technik and Arbeit macht frei You're a monster! Oh, let's put shells on little sticks, so you can poke around in your own stool to see how healthy you are! For the love of God, will you leave her alone?! Land of hope and glory ♪ Mother of the free ♪ - Oh, Jesus Christ! - How shall we extol thee? Oh, Dad! It's ok.
It's all right, just look at me.
Look at me.
It's all right.
It's OK.
It's all right.
Everything's OK.
It's OK.
It's OK.
It's all right.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.
Stop it, Brian! Stop it! Make thee ♪ Mightier yet! ♪ I I'm thirsty And did those feet in ancient times ♪ Walk upon England's mountains green? ♪ And was the holy Lamb of God ♪ On England's pleasant pastures seen? ♪ And did the Countenance Divine ♪ Shine forth upon our clouded hills? ♪ And was Jerusalem builded here ♪ Among these dark Satanic mills? ♪ Bring me my bow of burning gold ♪ Bring me my arrows of desire ♪ Bring me my spear O clouds unfold ♪ Bring me my chariot of fire ♪ I will not cease from mental fight ♪ Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand ♪ Till we have built Jerusalem ♪ In England's green and pleasant land.
♪ He's fast asleep.
I, erm I put Oliver in Mummy's bed.
Can't remember the last time it was slept in.
I can.
Last year, when we had that argument about cream teas.
- It's jam first.
- It's cream first.
Anyway, I was despatched from the marital bed and that's where I ended up spending the night.
You did a great job with the room.
Oh, and I found The Angel Islington, so we've got a full Monopoly now.
Oh, well, there's some good news.
Good news?! I was just explaining to Penny that all that food came out of our chest freezer, so not a miracle after all.
Maybe he was some kind of chef.
And those water bottles, I use for my home brew, so they could easily have had alcohol in them.
That explains that.
And the stigmata? I told you earlier.
Mick smashed a glass.
He probably just cut himself.
He wasn't special, darling.
He wasn't the Second Coming.
Just a strange man who broke into our house.
We had to defend ourselves.
Englishman's home and all that.
That's right, Brian.
It's Daddy's home.
We had to do what was best by him.
He had such beautiful skin.
Should old acquaintance be forgot ♪ And never brought to mind? ♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot ♪ For the sake of auld lang syne ♪ For auld lang syne, My dear ♪ For auld lang syne ♪ We'll take a cup o' kindness yet ♪ For auld lang syne.
♪ For auld lang syne, my dear ♪ For auld lang syne ♪ We'll take a cup o' kindness yet ♪ For the sake ♪ Of auld lang syne.

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