Inside No. 9 (2014) s07e02 Episode Script

Mr. King

1 Bore da, dosbarth naw.
Bore da, Mr.
Dyma'ch athro newydd Mr.
Curtis ac mae'n mynd I'ch dysgu chi yn Saesneg.
I was telling them you're going to be taking all your lessons in English, which is a very important skill for those adventurers amongst you who might be thinking about leaving the village in the future.
Curtis used to teach at a school in London so I'm sure he'll have all sorts of exciting stories to tell us.
They pay L2 for a coffee, don't they? And the rest.
Oh, dearie me, imagine that! Now, as you all know, your previous teacher, Mr.
King, had to leave us after a wonderful year.
I know, I know.
But he has sent us this postcard from his travels, and I wondered if one of you would like to read it to the class.
- Me! - Me.
Ceri, would you care to do the honours? Good girl.
"Dear Class 9, greetings from down under.
"I'm having an amazing time "and I'm thinking of you, as you start your next chapter.
"I cherish the memory of our time together "and getting to know all of you so closely.
"Much love, Mr.
" What a man! What a teacher, what a man.
Anyway, back down to reality.
Curtis, over to you.
Thank you, Headmaster.
So, here's a question what's the difference between me and Pinocchio? I'm glad to be in Wales.
Ah, now that is because Pinocchio was eaten by a whale.
Have I got that right, Mr.
Curtis? Yes, it was just a joke.
It was a joke, Class 9.
A joke.
Carry on.
So, as you all know, our end-of-term assembly is going to be all about the environment.
So, what does that mean? Anyone.
- Euan? - Erm Our classroom? Yes, that's our immediate surroundings, what else? Ooh, fields! Yes, good.
It's any place where people and plants and animals actually live and grow.
So what types of things will affect our environment? Oh, human beans, sir.
What's that, Gwen? Human beans.
Not human beans, we're not vegetables, but human beings, yes, we certainly have an impact.
And we can affect our environment in positive ways and in negative ways.
So, what are some of the positive things that we can do? Ceri? Recycling.
Very good, Ceri.
Anyone else? Well, who here has heard of Greta Thunberg? None of you? OK.
Er You've probably all heard of global warming? No? How about climate change? OK, well, you should have covered some of this last year, but let me ask you this What do you think causes hurricanes? God farting! No, don't be silly, Owen.
This is actually a really serious subject.
So, for your homework, I want you all to go home and learn all about global warming and the ozone layer.
Sir, Mr.
King said we didn't have to do homework.
Well, I'm really sorry, but Mr.
King isn't your teacher now, I am.
You know, I don't know if you realise it, but this is the number one topic that's going to affect you and all your futures, so it really isn't something that you can afford to be ignorant about! Sorry.
Now, I want you all to do a paragraph and bring it in on Monday.
Right, you can all get your books out and do silent reading for 20 minutes.
Off you go.
Oh, Headmaster? Er, could I have a word? Of course, Alan.
How can I help? I wondered if you had an email address for Mr.
Email Is that the one with the little blue bird? No, I think that's Twitter.
That's right, yes, tash-tag.
Email is the @ sign, isn't it? Yes, I think I've got a piece of paper with that on in my office.
Oh, thanks, it's just I'd love to talk to him about what he covered last year and what curriculum he's been using.
Well, no problem.
I'll ask Megan to dig it out and I'll get back to you.
All good otherwise? Er, yeah, I think so.
Have you started rehearsing for your assembly yet? Mr.
King's were always very lavish.
Like West End theatre productions! Well, I'll I'll try and make mine Wicked.
That's a musical.
Another one of your jokes.
Well, I look forward to it.
Always a joy to see the children take centre stage.
We're a small school, Alan, as you can see, and we've very nearly been closed down a few times, but bringing in teachers such as yourself, with all your experience of the world, it really helps the children grow, you know? Well, that's That's all I want, Headmaster, it really is.
Jolly good.
Right, well, I'll get that bmail for you, and I'll get Megan to send it to you as a text.
Take that, Ofsted! - That's very good.
Is that going to be a pumpkin? Great.
- Yes.
With some scary eyes on it.
Make sure that your paint isn't dripping when you hang up your paintings, OK? - Is yours still wet, Owen? - Er, yes, sir.
Well, put it on top of the tray for now.
That's fantastic.
And then, when it is dry, we will stick them all up on the display.
Oh, thank you, Ceri, that's great.
OK, you've got 15 minutes.
Aprons off, go and have a play.
That's it, off you go.
Ceri, could I have a word with you, please? I mean, what were you thinking? Hmm? Those tadpoles are not going to turn into frogs now, are they? Why not? Because you boiled them in the kettle.
I mean, why would you do that, Ceri? Global warming.
I asked you to research it, not recreate it.
King once ate a goldfish.
Yeah, well, I don't care what Mr.
King did.
I'm getting a bit concerned about you, Ceri.
I mean, last week, you pushed Simon's face into his birthday cake, didn't you? What if his hair had caught fire on the candles? Have you seen that Michael Jackson video? Not the one about licking boys' bottoms, the one where his hair caught fire.
It very nearly disfigured him even more.
Who's Michael Jackson? Never mind.
Is there anything going on at home that you want to tell me about? - We're having an extension.
- OK.
Are Mummy and Daddy getting on all right? No shouting? Something upsetting you? I don't want the world to end.
Well, it's not going to end.
- Who said it's going to end? - The stinking rebellion.
Who? You asked us to read about it for homework.
You mean the climate change protesters? It frightened me.
Oh, you mustn't be frightened, Ceri.
I mean, you should feel that emotion and then do something positive with it.
It's all right.
There, there.
Sorry it frightened you.
Now, do you want to go and play outside or or do you want to stay inside with me? Stay with you.
Good girl.
Good girl.
Little bit peckish, are we? Oh, sorry, Headmaster, I was just, erm, just practising a trick for the children.
Well, that's one way of teaching the food chain.
I I just wanted to have a quiet word with you, Alan, - if you don't mind.
- Yes, of course.
When you came in for your interview, you said you were keen to move to a smaller school, like ours, away from the cut and thrust, shall we say, of inner-city education and embrace a quieter pace of life.
Yes, it's, erm, literally what the doctor ordered.
Now, I know it's important we talk sensitively about mental health, so I just wanted to clarify You went a bit doolally, didn't you? No.
No, I It was just the workload.
I was exhausted, both physically, mentally.
I did lose myself for a time, but, erm, coming here's done me the world of good.
Why do you ask? Well, the thing is an allegation has been made against you, and it's my duty to investigate it.
- What allegation? - I can't divulge that at the moment.
- Well, who's made it? - She doesn't want to say.
- So it's a girl? - She may or may not be.
The point is I promised Ceri's parents that she, or he, would have absolute anonymity.
- So it's Ceri? - Yes.
So now you've wormed that out of me, can you tell me in your own words what happened Tuesday morning, break time? - What do you mean, what happened? - Nothing happened.
She'd been behaving strangely for a while.
She killed all the tadpoles.
I kept her behind to talk to her about it.
And at no point did you ask her if she wanted to play the hairy meat whistle? What? No.
And you didn't say, "Do you want to see how sir can make his own tadpoles?" - Definitely not, that's horrible.
- Are you sure? Yes, I think I'd remember saying that.
Well, where do you suppose she's got this from, then? Because I don't recall that being in the Biff and Chip books.
I don't know.
Maybe she saw something inappropriate online, it happens all the time.
Not with our Wi-Fi connection, it doesn't.
It takes me all weekend to download one Countryfile.
Did you talk to her about Michael Jackson doing things with boys' anuses? Yes, but I never said anuses.
Well, that's something.
Now, I've talked the girl's parents down from making an official complaint, but I don't want to drag the police into it if I can help it.
We're an independent school and we like to deal with these types of things within the community.
What, so this has happened before? You're new here, and I'm not being funny, but I don't know you from Alan.
- It's Adam.
- Oh, sorry, I thought it was Alan.
I'm sure you understand, Adam, that, as head of this school, I have to establish the facts of this matter before I can allow Ceri back into your clutches, so to speak.
Yes, of course.
You want me to make a statement? No, I want you to show me your penis.
What? The girl has given quite a vivid description and I believe made a Plasticine model, but I didn't want to touch it.
I need to see if this tallies with the real thing.
So I've got to do an identity parade? What if it's not mine? Are you going to take it around the kingdom like Cinderella? Don't be facetious, Adam, I'm trying to get to the bottom of this, one way or the other.
Either you're lying or the girl's lying.
I just can't believe this.
I can always contact your union representative No No.
Well, just make it quick, all right? All very neat and tidy, that's what I like to see.
What are you looking for, exactly? Ah, now that would be telling.
They say they're like snowflakes no two are alike.
This is ridiculous.
Oh, sorry, Winnie, we're a bit busy here.
Hello, Mr.
Curtis, you're here late.
Is it all right for me to clean now? Not just at the moment.
Oh, don't worry about Winnie, she's blind as a bat.
It's fine, Winnie, you go right ahead.
Is that you, Mr.
Edwards? I didn't see you down there.
You keeping busy? Yes, I've got my hands full, as usual.
Don't worry, I can clean around you.
I have to save some time to tackle the boys' toilets.
The size of some of those stools I don't know what their mothers feed them.
Like airport Toblerones, some of them.
Are you all done here? I think so, yes.
I'll be in touch once I've got my head around this.
Thank you, Adam.
We were just, erm, discussing a possible arts project.
Oh, I thought he was taking photographs of your cock.
OK, Class 9, I'm handing out these worksheets on fractions.
You have got 15 minutes.
Do as many as you can.
Remember to put your names at the top, please.
Sir, what happened to Ceri? What do you mean? - Where is she? - I don't know.
Now tight lips, please, Owen.
We listen with these, not these.
I said, quiet! What have you got there? Owen, what is that? - Nothing, sir! - I'm not an idiot, show me.
All right, who's got it? Give it to me.
Give it to me now.
What's this? Gwen? Gwen? Carrot, sir.
A carrot? Well, why are you laughing, then? Is it because this bit looks like a penis? A big floppy penis?! Everything all right, Mr.
Curtis? Yes, we were just doing fractions andbiology.
Interesting combination.
I have young Ceri Morgan for you.
Ceri, would you like to take a seat? Good girl.
Everything, er, all right now, Headmaster? Yes, yes, all cleared up, no further action required.
Suffice to say there was quite a big discrepancy between the two images.
In your favour, I have to add.
So, you know, every cloud Oh, well.
Good, thanks.
As you were.
It's nice to have you back, Ceri.
Just to say, if you're struggling to find the right answer don't just make something up, because that has consequences.
Just put your hand up and talk to me.
I can't help you if I don't know what's going on.
So don't go behind my back.
OK? Good.
Hi, Winnie.
Oh, hello, dear.
I just wondered if you wanted to take a leek.
Sorry? For the harvest festival.
I've had a good crop this year.
Nice big potatoes, radishes My turnips have won prizes, you know.
Well, congratulations.
Winnie What was, erm, Mr.
King like with the children? Oh, well, I'm not in the lessons, like.
They all seemed to love him.
He was a real star! Quite a dish, too.
He sounds too good to be true.
Well, your, erm, neeps are very impressive, Winnie.
Thank you.
This is a brand-new Playtex.
Lift and separate.
I, er, meant the vegetables.
Well, that's Mother Nature working her magic.
Winnie, I promised the headmaster I'd get those reports to him by the end of the day it's completely slipped my mind.
You don't, ermYou don't happen to have a key to his office, do you? Please? Oh, go on, then.
As long as you're quick.
Thank you.
I'll be two minutes.
No King.
Headmaster, it's Alan Curtis.
Oh, hello, Adam, what can I do for you? I need to talk to you urgently about several things, firstly about Mr.
This school has no record of him ever having worked here.
What's that? Sorry, it's a very bad line.
Something about Mr.
King? The class teacher last year was a Mr.
Hardy, a completely different person.
I don't know what this King has been doing here, being given access to children, but I think there's been abuse going on, it's been covered up, and I think you, Mr.
Edwards, are part of it! I'm losing you, Adam, it's a terrible connection.
I'm just in the field - I'll come and see you shortly, OK? You won't get away with this, do you hear? Oh, Class 9, what's this? We want to show you our assembly.
Oh, well, I was just going to do quiet reading today, but, erm, maybe tomorrow we could Oh, please, sir, we've been working really hard on what you taught us.
Er OK, go ahead.
Welcome to our assembly! We have glued ourselves to the Prime Minister's house to protest against climate change.
Ha! Very good.
Global warming is the biggest threat to our planet, planet Earth.
What can we do to stop it? Hey, you! What are you doing? Me? Nothing.
It's only plastic.
Plastic is slowly choking me filling my oceans and killing wildlife.
What can I do? Recycling! Take that.
We'll recycle him later.
Oh, I don't think that's appropriate, Class 9.
What have you done to this chair? Superglue.
You're part of the protest too, sir.
That isn't funny, Ceri.
All right, stop this now.
Saving the planet started thousands of years ago.
In the beginning, the Earth Goddess was the one who expressed herself through the many.
She was the great void, the beginning of all things.
All souls were born from her sacred womb, lived for a span upon her body, the Earth, then returned to her tomb-womb at death.
Tomb-womb? I'm sorry, I don't think that's key stage 2.
But Mr.
King said Look, I don't know who this Mr.
King was or what he was teaching you, but it's not normal, all right? I'm going to make an official complaint.
Now please get me out of this chair.
In the 15th century, Peru children were sacrificed to the gods to try and end natural disasters.
But in modern times, we the children are demanding sacrifices of our own.
What are you talking about? Wait, wait, is this why you killed the tadpoles? - To try and end climate change? - No talking, Mr.
We listen with these, not these.
I'm not Mr.
King! Tight lips, sir.
No, no, don't We have learned about reusable energy.
We have learned about recycling and rebirth.
John Barleycorn was the first man to recycle himself, to replenish the Earth's bounty.
This is his story.
# There were three men come out of the west # Their fortunes for to try # And these three men made a solemn vow John Barleycorn should die ♪ What on earth is going on here?! What do you think you're doing? We're doing our assembly, sir.
Assembly? That's not till next week.
Are you all right, Mr.
Curtis? What have they done to your mouth? We were about to tell the story of John Barleycorn.
Ah, my favourite part.
Carry on.
John Barleycorn represents the life cycle of the field.
He is crowned once a year at the start of the harvest festival and revered as the Corn King.
Last year, as you discovered, Mr.
Hardy was given the honour.
This year, the crown is yours.
We discovered you are as nature intended.
Uncut and still sheathed.
A perfect candidate for our new corn king.
Thank you, Ceri, you did it beautifully.
When his reign is ended, the King is returned to the land and honoured with a triple death drowned, strangled and dismembered, his broken body buried in the field to ensure a fertile harvest.
Like human beans! Exactly, Gwen, like human beans.
You and your fancy friends in London may pat yourselves on the back that you've finally woken up to environmental issues, but we've been doing our bit for the planet for centuries now.
Come, children.
The King is dead.
Long live the King.
Long live the King! Winnie, we're ready for you now.
You're going to do my leeks the world of good.
# There were three men come out of the west # Their fortunes for to try # And these three men made a solemn vow # John Barleycorn should die # Fa la la la la, fa la la la la # Fa la la la la la la # Fa la la la la, fa la la la la # Fa la la la la la la # They wheeled him all around the field # A prisoner to endure # And in the barn poor Barleycorn # They laid him upon the floor # Fa la la la la, fa la la la la # Fa la la la la la la # Fa la la la la, fa la la la la # Fa la la la la la la # They hired men with the crab tree sticks # To cut him skin from bone # And the miller, he served him worse than that # For he ground him between two stones # Fa la la la la, fa la la la # Fa la la la la la # Fa la la la la, fa la la la la Fa la la la la la la ♪
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