The Conners (2018) s07e05 Episode Script

1
Hey, honey.
You know where the steamer is?
I want to get some wrinkles
out of my funeral suit
for the deposition.
Look, I know you are super
nervous about the deposition,
so I'm not gonna bug you
about what you're gonna wear.
Thanks.
The only thing I'm really nervous about
is what happens when their lawyer
starts to badmouth Roseanne.
I got a long history of punching people
in the mouth for that.
Look, your attorney and I
are gonna be right there the whole time.
If you start to get upset,
you just look at me,
realize how lucky you are,
and you'll be okay.
Wear something with cleavage.
You might save a life.
Uh, hey, if you old-timers are done
smelling each other for tooth decay,
uh, Jackie, Becky, and I made
a little something we want to show Dad.
So, okay, it's going to be crucial
that you remember
everything that happened
to Mom in the right order.
So to help you prepare,
we made you a little timeline
of Mom's addiction.
Why does this start with me
and your mom eating ice cream?
So this is to show
how much you guys were in love
and to remind you that you need to talk
about your devastating loss.
And then down here is
after Roseanne has passed.
You're eating ice cream alone
and being all sad.
So the innocent joy of dairy
is a grim reminder
that your life is
a hopeless pit of despair.
Now, it starts with
Roseanne's knee injury.
Here she is doing a classic
banana-peel slip-n-fall.
And this is all of us laughing too hard
to recognize that she's in pain.
Right. And then
that leads to the building
that says Evil Opioid Factory.
Yeah. And it was my idea
to have the devil poking people
that are working there, see?
This is like the worst
"Schoolhouse Rock" episode ever.
The gist of it
is that you're trying to say
that the pills took away
a love that only comes along
once in a lifetime.
No offense, Louise.
[chuckles] None taken.
Every girl dreams of a man saying,
"You're the woman I always wanted
after the other one died."
And, Dan, Dan, if this
is too much to remember,
if it's any trouble at all,
I have come up with
a very simple mnemonic
for the sequence of events.
So Every Good Boy Likes Kumquats
When Aardvarks Rule Underground Empires.
Well, clearly, I did
all that work for nothing.
7x05 - Exercise Bands, Money Plans,
and Faraway Lands
[bluesy rock music]
♪
- Hey.
- Hey, Grandpa.
Thanks again for letting me stay here.
Mom doesn't want a criminal
living under her roof.
Yeah, I'm used to it.
The Conners usually just run away
from one part of the family
to the other.
Before we had two houses,
people just kind of
piled up in the basement.
So you're just out here
hacking out in the open, huh?
Well, yeah.
I usually do it in my underground lair,
but it's crazy.
They're installing the laser cannon
I'm gonna use to destroy the world.
All right, smartass.
What are you hacking?
A weight loss company database.
I'm selling their customer list
to a website
that offers a variety
of different cheesecakes.
Wow.
Usually Conners are replaced
by computers.
It's kind of nice to see
one of us outsmarting them.
Even if it is the act
of a depraved criminal mind.
You know, I can
I can use it for good, too.
- Is there anything you need fixed?
- No, no, no, no.
That would be wrong.
All right, now that I tried to stop you,
I do have an unjustified
late fee on my electric bill.
What happened?
Did the bill get lost in the mail?
No, no, it was sitting
on the kitchen counter.
But I kept the lights off
to save electricity.
Ergo, I never saw it.
Well, fun time is over. See you later.
I see there's still a little
tension between you and Mark.
He knows I'm not gonna
stand by and let him
keep doing what he's doing.
Especially once I get on the force.
Jackie, a lot of things have
ruined Conners over the years,
but we've never turned in
one of our own.
- Dan, don't do this to me.
- One of us finally has a superpower,
and his Aunt Jackie is
gonna put him in jail.
That's gonna look really bad
in the family Bible,
though not as bad as the great uncle
who hid John Wilkes Booth, but close.
♪
Hey, look at this.
Uber Eats accidentally delivered
the neighbor's food to our house,
and turns out it's all vegan,
so I'm taking a bite of everything
before they come and take it back.
That wasn't an accident.
I ordered that for you.
Oh, my God.
I've already swallowed some of it.
All these years, and you're gonna win.
No, silly.
I just got my first big-girl paycheck,
and I wanted to do
something nice for myself.
So I ordered you food
to make you feel small.
Oh, by the way, I Venmo-ed you
my share of the water bill.
Really? How do I find it?
I'm really thrown by money
coming into my account.
Jeez, you Venmo-ed Tyler,
like, five times today.
The last one is for Egg McMuffin
sandwich only, not meal.
Yeah, he paid for McDonald's,
and I paid him back my share.
We've always done it that way
because I like to pitch in.
Isn't that what the sex is for?
We split that 50/50 too.
- Hey, Darlene.
- Hey.
Honey, I feel terrible.
I ate your yogurt this morning,
but my phone battery died,
so I couldn't Venmo you.
Wow.
I would be less uncomfortable
walking in on you guys
having your mysterious 50/50 sex.
What are you talking about?
Well, you guys are living together,
but you're acting like co-workers
who are splitting a business lunch.
Oh, I had the Coke.
But I had the fries.
Oh, but I had one.
Well, since we are living together,
I think it's kind of right
that we co-mingle our money.
Once it's in one account,
who controls it?
We both do.
Yeah, and you'll get better credit
or in Becky's case, credit.
I mean, we can start making
real plans as a couple.
Let's do it.
Ha! Do you have your paycheck?
- Yeah.
- Sign it over to me.
I will start a new interest-bearing
checking account in both of our names.
[mumbling indistinctly]
I usually go to the Check Exchange
next to Barney's Bail Bonds.
But trusting a bank?
Okay.
Wow.
Look how much I've grown.
I'm sure I'm gonna regret
asking this, but 50/50 sex?
Are we talking effort
or turns at doing things
or perhaps costs
that I'm not familiar with?
Ben might owe me something.
I just want to get what I'm owed.
♪
Hey, got your text,
so I came right over.
Let me guess.
You're coming home because you're tired
of seeing Grandpa walk around
in just his underwear,
scratching like an orangutan.
No.
That's not what this is about.
But I was talking with the orangutan
a couple of days ago
about Mark's computer skills,
which are like a superpower,
and that got me to thinking.
So I contacted a cybersecurity firm
that works with Lanford PD,
and they FaceTimed Mark,
and he got into their training program,
and he is guaranteed a high-paying job
at the end of six weeks.
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you so much, Jackie.
Oh, you have no idea
what a relief that is.
Now you can work there
and make money to go to college.
That's kind of what
I need to talk to you about.
I'm not going to college.
Excuse me?
Um, I said I would stay
until it got uncomfortable.
And we have arrived.
You have to go to college, Mark.
That is not up for discussion.
Of course it is. It's my life.
Why would I go to college?
This training program, it's gonna lead
straight to the job I'd be
looking for when I graduate.
But college isn't just that.
It's the time in your life
where you experiment.
You figure out who you are.
Trust me, the shame you feel
when you shotgun
a hard lemonade in your 40s
is intense and immediate.
I already had a taste
of college fun at SAD U.
I'm over it.
Okay, Mark, this is just
all happening really fast.
Let's take a moment here.
No.
I have to be in New York
on Monday to start training.
Wait, what?
- New York?
- Yeah.
That's where the job is.
One of the reasons why they hired me
is because I don't have any kids,
and I can start right away.
Well, you know,
I wish you did have kids,
because then you would know
what it feels like
when one of them skips college,
moves away forever,
and breaks your heart.
But if I give up this chance,
I'll regret it even more.
It obviously does not matter what I say,
or you would have talked to me
before you made the decision.
Just go.
Yeah.
Being disowned by your mom,
it's not as bad as it used to be.
People are all into this whole
"chosen family" thing now,
so there's a lot of desperate,
damaged people in New York.
You'll find a new mom in no time.
[bluesy harmonica music]
Hey.
Dan said this is where
you get your workout on.
[clears throat] Hey!
Let me try these rubber bands,
see if I can get
a pump on these guns with you.
I got my stamina up,
but I still got to work
on my strength training
for the police physical next week.
I heard we got to drag
200 pounds of deadweight
for a block because
nobody in this country
can push away from a buffet.
You set the pace, I'll keep up.
Let's get physical.
- You look a little pale.
- Yeah.
Color is just weakness leaving the body.
Well, give me a heads-up
before your soul starts
leaving the body.
Come on, woman.
What are you, part Samoan?
How do you work out so hard?
I'm kind of going through something.
This helps me get out of my head.
You know, you've got
Lanford's number one
leading life coach sitting right here.
Spill the tea, sister.
All right.
Now, don't take this the wrong way,
but hearing the constant talk
about the irreplaceable love
between Dan and Roseanne
is starting to get to me.
Uh-huh, and you're worried if
you start complaining about it,
you'll come across as
a insensitive, selfish shrew
an incredibly fit,
ridiculously strong shrew.
Yeah, and you know,
I know that Dan is having
a really rough time.
And I want to be respectful.
But I have worked really hard
to keep Roseanne from being
the third person in our marriage.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's tough.
They were together for, like, 40 years.
I'm lucky that your brother was
such a sad, lonely guy.
He never found true love
before he met me.
Come to think of it,
you've never been in
a lasting relationship either.
It probably comes from your parents
not loving either one of you.
Hey, I've had some
serious relationships.
Uh, getting your biscuit buttered
in a Waffle House parking lot
after a gig is not
a serious relationship.
I'm never telling you anything again.
That's fine, because the person
you've got to talk to is Dan.
Otherwise, you're gonna
build up a lot of resentment.
And you know what happens when you
build up a lot of resentment?
Uh-huh. Yeah.
You ask someone to leave.
Oh, what? So you can keep exercising?
Come on.
Then you're just gonna look even better
than you already do?
Nobody needs that.
[door slams]
♪
The family's taking Mark out tonight
for a celebratory goodbye dinner.
You should come.
Mm, I've already made
my lentil soy fish sticks.
There's nothing to celebrate.
I think your dinner proves that.
Oh, good.
- I have something to show you.
- Me first.
Now, I figure since
we've put our money together,
I think I found
our first dream purchase.
I found a house.
And it's on a little hill,
so we can see your family coming
and pretend we're not home.
[laughs]
Ooh, I love that.
Are you sure we can afford that
after I buy my new truck?
Look at her towing that boat.
She's a thick girl, and she's sassy.
We haven't talked about getting a truck,
let alone something as pricey as that.
Well, my old truck's dying.
Now that I'm making decent money,
I want to buy myself something nice.
Yeah, but wouldn't you be
just as happy with
something used?
Tyler, my entire life,
I've had nothing but used.
Even my Big Wheel had 1,000 miles on it.
Yeah, but I'm talking about us.
I mean, we need a house.
We we live here.
You know, Darlene is moping
around because Ben is AWOL.
We have no privacy.
And the fridge is full of stuff
pretending to be food.
But like you said,
we both have to agree.
Right.
So we need someone to break the tie.
I'm gonna go look for a sister wife
who's tired of pushing
her boat to the lake.
Hey.
Everybody ready to go to dinner?
Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah.
We're taking my old truck.
We might not make it.
You're riding in the bed like a dog.
You just ate.
Boy, you're really not going, are you?
No. I'm not talking to Mark.
He didn't listen to my words.
So now I hope he will listen
to my silence.
Don't do that.
You don't want to do
what I did to Becky.
What, imply that Mom must
have cheated with someone
because Becky turned out smart?
No, I'm talking about
when Becky quit school
to move to Minnesota.
She wanted to talk to me.
But I was so upset,
I just hid in the garage.
Yeah, and I remember thinking
that was pretty extreme.
But I'm a parent now, and I've realized
you're just trying to stop her
from making a huge mistake.
Parenting 101 is you cannot
stop kids from making mistakes.
And the worst thing you can do
is shut down
and make them feel alone
and unsupported,
because then they may never
talk to you again.
And if you change your mind
about joining us,
Becky's paying.
♪
[bluesy harmonica music]
♪
This morning, I went to the dealership,
and I sat in the truck,
and I looked around, and I thought,
this is just a thing.
But it's the best thing ever.
And I want it real, real bad.
More than me?
No. No.
I want you more than the truck.
I don't think it'll help us
if I tell you how much more.
Look, it's your money.
You should get the truck.
Oh, that means a lot to me.
It's sitting in the driveway.
Can I just ask you one thing?
I mean, is this all because, you know,
you're not sure enough
about us to commit to a house?
No. You're my future.
But you didn't grow up like me.
Unless you've struggled
without nice things,
I don't think you can get it.
I want to get it.
You know, when I drove
that truck off the lot,
I almost had a panic attack.
But now I'm ready to believe
that I deserve good things in my life.
Yeah, I get that.
You're my truck.
Exactly.
Now let's go back to the dealership.
I'm on a test drive,
and I need you to co-sign.
[scoffs]
♪
Nice of you to show up.
I'm waiting for my ride.
[sighs]
You have every right to be mad at me.
I shouldn't have missed your dinner.
But this wasn't supposed to happen.
You weren't supposed to go
halfway across the country.
You were supposed to be an hour away
at the University of Chicago.
What if I'd gone to a different college
that was across the country, too?
That would have been the same thing.
No, because at least
you would have been in college,
and I wouldn't have felt
like I failed you.
You didn't fail me, Mom.
Yes, I did.
You grew up poor and without a dad.
And it scared the hell out of me.
But I told myself that
it would all be okay
because I was gonna save up
a bunch of money
so that you could start a great life.
And if I did that, then everything
you never had wouldn't matter.
And that money would have
been for college.
Yeah, and then a little bit of it
for you to make a documentary
called "My Mom, My Hero"
and then thank me at the Oscars.
Mom, you said you wanted
to give me a great start.
It just looks different
than what you imagined.
[notification pings]
My Uber's almost here.
I'm not ready.
But I am.
I'm prepared to take care of myself
out there because of you.
When I wanted to wear dresses
at school, you supported me.
When I needed a new laptop,
you took a crappy job
just so I could have one.
You never stopped believing
that I could have a great future.
And because you believed it,
I believe it.
Yeah.
But I believed in a version
where you were here for family dinner
every Sunday night.
[car horn honks]
Gotta go.
[sighs] All right.
Okay.
Okay, so, um, call me
when you get to New York,
and just call me when you
actually get to the apartment.
And if, like, if it's possible,
right before bed,
that you could call me.
And then I know
you're starting your job,
- so it'd be amazing
- No.
- If when you got there
- No. No.
Mom, you're not gonna
talk to me every night.
I'll try to call you once a week.
But I'm on my own now.
I love you.
I love you.
[car door opens]
[car door closes]
[engine rumbling]
[phone rings]
Hello?
Yes, you can use
my credit card for the Uber.
No, that does not count
as your weekly call.
♪
Dan, are you coming to bed?
Maybe later.
With the deposition tomorrow,
I'm not gonna be able to sleep much.
I'll probably stay on the couch
tonight so I don't keep you up.
Mm.
Is that a cheesecake?
Yeah.
I miss Mark.
Such a good kid.
He's gonna take New York by storm.
Uh, can I can I talk to you
about something?
Anything that'll take
my mind off Roseanne
and this deposition.
It'll wait.
Good night.
Uh, you know,
you don't need this cheesecake.
But I worked out
with Jackie today, so I do.
♪
The mnemonic is good,
but we need to simplify.
So I broke down the sequence of events.
We've got ice cream,
fall, opioids, death.
Now, that comes out
to ICFOD, "ick-fahd."
"Ick" "I cuh-fah" "I-clod."
It sounds like iCloud,
if you substitute the F for the L.
So when you go in
Okay, here it is, iCloud.
Remember to substitute the F for the L.
And you've got it. You're set.
Do you need this? You don't need this.
You got it. Anytime.
[child giggles]