Black-ish (2014) s07e07 Episode Script

1
Society would have us
believe that the divide
between boys and girls is vast
and insurmountable.
We're taught, "Girls are made
of sugar and spice
and everything nice."
"And boys are made of snips and snails
and puppy dog tails."
But in this house,
we raise our daughters
to be just as strong as our sons.
We raise our sons to be just
as sensitive as our daughters.
And I would say we overachieved
with Junior.
But still, Bow and I try
to look past gender
and see our kids
for the individuals they are.
Oh!
- Hey.
- Hey, babe.
- Look at this.
- What?
I got twenty likes on my new sneakers.
You know that's not a lot, right?
What? What? What?
No, Diane liked it. Look at that.
And she doesn't like anything.
Online or in real life.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
- What?
- "Golden State Thriller"?
Did she change her username?
I don't know. She's always chang
What is that?
What is this?
Scroll.
Is this a fake account?
Oh, m Oh!
Oh, my Lord!
Oh, God.
Wait, Dre.
- It's worse.
- Yeah.
This is her real account.
She played us.
How is she verified?
- Image reported.
- Okay.
Image reported.
Image reported.
Yes, because it directly harms me!
You know, we should have never
got the Internet.
Somebody get me Zuckerberg.
Get me Zuckerberg!
Dre, look, I know she broke the rules,
but we do not get to overreact.
The last thing we want to do
is body shame our daughter.
Appropriate amounts
of body shaming is okay.
It's what got me to return
my male thong!
No, Dre, the beach club management
got you to return your male thong.
Listen, I know you want to freak out,
but this is a normal part
of teenage development.
I remember I remember, Dre,
when I was a teenage girl,
I had two diaries.
One for my mother to find
and the other
where I wrote down my crushes
and all my new swears.
Of course you were dirty.
What do you mean, dirty?
Your parents were terrible.
How could this happen to us?
After football season,
we are all going back to church.
Well, we don't need
to punish everybody, Dre.
Look, we need to stay calm
or she's just gonna hide
more things from us.
So when I get home from work,
you and I are gonna
sit her down together
and we're gonna talk about what she did
and figure out how
we're gonna move forward.
That's the plan.
- I like it.
- Okay.
Can I hold a belt?
No.
Fine.
I'm just going to wear one just in case.
- Hey, Dre.
- Yeah.
I tried to send you my Instagram story
of me going to a Black barber,
but you didn't come up.
Did Did you
accidentally block me again?
Ah, no, Josh.
Even though I would love
to ignore that story,
I deleted my account this morning.
- Oh.
- Well, that's probably for the best, Dre.
All those pictures of you
in fancy cars and diamonds
made me want to pay you less.
- Hm.
- What happened, Dre?
Oh, did you accept a request
from a Russian model
and now none of your computers
will turn on?
No, I found Diane's secret account,
where she's posing like a model
and getting likes from guys
old enough to vote
but don't.
Sweet mother of God, Dre.
What foreign country
are you sending her to?
You don't want any place
west of Belarus.
That was my first instinct.
But then Bow convinced me
that we need to be sensitive
with Diane so that
she can continue to trust us!
That is such nonsense.
Young girls don't need trust.
They need to think
that behind every door
is a man waiting
to besmirch them physically.
- What?
- Exactly right.
Diane needs to know that
all teenage boys are wolves.
And she is a little lamb.
That's right, Dre. Men are just angling
at ways to get at your daughter,
and once they do
she belongs to the night.
She broke the rules.
She's not some helpless creature, man.
Diane can handle herself.
We raised her right.
But did everyone else's parents
raise them right?
Hmm.
I know I didn't.
Look, Dre, here's the thing.
If my teenage daughter
were to get pregnant,
maybe it would lower my chance
of winning "father of the year" award,
but if your teenage daughter
gets pregnant,
well, then you and she
are just a stereotype.
Isn't the world funny?
Hey, who's thinking hot sandwiches?
I am starving.
- I do!
- Come on, let's get it.
- Let's do it!
- Oh, yeah!
- Hey, Grandma.
- Yeah, babe?
Can I talk to you?
It's about me and Olivia.
Ah, you need relationship advice,
so you came to the only person
you could trust.
Yeah. Also, nobody else is home.
Sit down, baby.
So, Olivia and I have been doing
this "around-the-world" food tour.
- Mm-hmm.
- And she loves it so much,
but it has been killing my stomach.
- Mm-hmm.
- I don't know what to do.
I really like her.
How do I tell her
I hate something she loves?
Well, that's an easy one, baby.
- You don't.
- What?
Secrets are the foundation
of all good relationships.
- Hmm.
- Couples need a little mystery.
You think Barack goes to the
bathroom in front of Michelle?
Hell no.
They have boundaries.
But I'm lying to her. Isn't that wrong?
Is the lie making you
a better boyfriend?
Maybe?
Then it's not wrong.
Listen, I lie to
your grandfather all the time,
and our relationship
has been going strong
for fifty years.
Didn't you blow up his boat?
And some day, God willing,
she'll blow up your boat.
- Oh.
- The point is,
is what she don't know won't hurt her.
- You understand?
- Yeah.
Get the hell on where you're going.
- Thanks, Grandma.
- You're welcome.
Mm.
No wonder the baby has allergies.
The guys at work tried to scare me,
but I knew Diane had
a good head on her shoulders.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, new sweatshirt?
Oh, it's not mine.
I got cold during Spanish,
so Jason gave this to me.
Jason?
Jason, who fills out that sweatshirt?
I mean, it's actually
kind of tight on him.
He really bulked up over the summer.
He took his shirt off
during football practice,
and I heard the coach gasp.
Hey, son, uh,
can you give me and Diane
a minute, please?
Sure, but if you want to hear more
about how truly large Jason is,
you know where to find me.
- Uh, baby girl.
- Mm-hmm?
Uh, you're gonna have
to give that sweatshirt back.
But he said I can keep it
as long as I want to.
Yeah, that's what all boys say.
Take it off.
Okay, fine.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Hey!
Did you wear that to school?
Yeah, I thought it was cute.
I knew I should wait for Bow
to handle things, but
We need to talk right now.
This boy is trying
to take advantage of you,
and I'm the only one that's
preventing him from doing so.
Sweet Black Jesus, how ripped is he?
Is he a high school student
or a government experiment?
- Hey, babe.
- Hey, babe.
- How was your day?
- Oh, my day was great.
Let me tell you something.
I had no surgery today,
and I finally mastered
the firefly pose in yoga.
Suck it, Six-Pack Stacy.
There is a new favorite in class. Hey.
Okay. Well, I'm glad
somebody had a good day
because I had to come home
and put out a fire with Diane.
Oh, no. Wait. What happened now?
She let a boy give her a sweatshirt.
Okay.
Don't worry.
- I handled it.
- How?
You pose like that online,
your cuteness brings the boys
to the yard!
A boy will think that you owe him
for every little thing
that he gives you.
A breath mint could be the only thing
between you and maternity pants!
Jason He gave you
his sweatshirt, uh-huh,
but I guarantee you this!
He will be nowhere to be found
when you're eight months
pregnant with hemorrhoids
and ankles the size of softballs!
Oh, you thought I was done?!
I'm not done!
What are you, a youth pastor in Alabama?
Dre, there is a reason
that we talk about these things
together.
It was an emergency.
And you should be thanking me.
Dre, you just blew up
all of the open lines
of communication
that we worked so hard to build
with Diane.
We need to talk to her.
Teenagers think they're grown today,
and they're not.
All right, my mother came down
hard on me, and it worked.
You're terrified of your mother.
All Black men are terrified
of their mothers, Bow.
That's how love works.
While I was keeping the heat on Diane,
Olivia was keeping a different
kind of heat on Junior.
And we've reached
our next culinary destination:
Malaysia!
I I love curry,
and I love fish heads.
Put them together, look out!
Oh, the recipe called
for seven different chilies.
I had to go to three
different grocery stores
just to get all the ingredients.
You didn't have to do that.
Anything for you, babe.
Dig in.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, yeah. No, no, no,
just savoring the aromas.
Mmm!
Delicious.
Mmm.
Mmm!
Ooh! You just feel the the spices.
Just goes right down your throat.
I know.
Just like fire.
So I sent my building manager an e-mail
asking if we can change
these blinds to curtains,
and guess what.
He said he wants all the windows
to be uniform,
and I'm like, "We face an alley.
Nobody's gonna see the blinds.
Nobody's gonna see the"
My mouth is on fire!
What?
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
Junior, are you okay?
Seriously?
No!
I'm not okay.
It hurts so bad.
So, so bad.
All of this spicy food is killing me.
My stomach feels like a like a
like a wet paper bag
just full of hot coals.
Well, then why have you been
letting me cook you
all this spicy food?
Because you like spicy food so much.
And I like you so much.
You know we don't have to agree
on everything to date, right?
Of course I don't know that.
Everything that I know about dating
I've learned from watching my parents
and "Think Like a Man" movies.
Okay.
If we're going to work,
you need to just be honest with me.
I'm still going to like you
for who you are, okay?
Okay.
Unless you're into Frisbee golf.
I mean, it's just a waste
of park resources.
Honey?
- Hi. We brought your sweatshirt back.
- Hi.
So, we want you to know
that you are in control of your own body
and you can do
whatever you want with it.
But the pictures that you're posting,
they give people a window
into something
that you should keep private.
Boys thumb through Instagram
like it's a Cheesecake Machine menu,
and you are dressed
like a Jalapeño Popper.
And you can dress like a
Jalapeño Popper if you want to.
Because it is your right as a woman.
Okay, so I have the right to do
what I did,
but I shouldn't have done it?
Okay, I got it.
Listen.
You are building your identity
as a woman.
And you should have the freedom
to explore that
without being tied
to the judgments of society.
And society will judge you.
But I want you to remember that
while you are ignoring the judgment.
Does that make sense?
- I guess.
- No.
Okay, so we've handled that.
- What?
- Yeah. Yes.
All right.
There we go.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'll leave it alone, but you know what?
When your mama go to work,
I'm taking the door off the hinges.
Oh, good, you're here.
What year did America open?
Right, I knew it was definitely
before I was born.
I just couldn't remember how far.
You seem angrier than usual.
Mom and Dad cornered me
about that sweatshirt.
You'd think after Dad yelled
at me for like an hour,
we'd be done, but no.
Here comes Mom, to yell at me
in her "quiet" way.
She can say "sweetie"
as many times as she wants.
We're still being yelled at.
Are you just as tired as I am
of Mom and Dad cracking down on us?
Yes, Dad forced me to add him
to my close friends list
on all of my accounts
because he says he wants
to keep an eye on things.
But all he ever does is put fire emojis
underneath everything I post.
It's weird for your dad to say
that your shirtless
basketball picture is fire.
So you were half naked
and Dad said nothing?
And Mom liked it?
This is ridiculous.
I can't post a photo of me
wearing lipstick,
but you can flaunt your bird chest
all over the Internet?
Unh-unh. Nope. Let's go.
We've all got to have a talk.
- Come on.
- What?
Like an eagle or like a sparrow?
What kind of bird are we talking?
Mm-hmm. Hey. Good, you're here.
Hey, Diane, set the table.
Do you think it's fair
you're treating me differently
because I'm a girl?
Okay. Fine.
Uh, Jack, set the table.
Diane, we do not treat you differently.
- You don't?
- No.
You've seen Jack online.
He's shirtless and sweaty.
And how many lectures did he get?
Because I've gotten two so far.
That was a picture
of Jack playing sports.
Nobody is paying attention to that.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Because I bet Ashley Thompson
saw it and liked it, too,
which is probably
why they've been making out
in the school stairwell.
Whoa!
This is not how I wanted it to come out,
but it is true.
- Ooh!
- My boy!
But you don't know that
because you're not in his business.
We don't have to worry
about Jack as much
because he can't get pregnant.
But he can get someone pregnant!
You've always said
you treat us the same,
but you don't.
Hey, just to be clear,
I'm really supporting
this whole "boys will be boys" thing
- that we've got going on, you know?
- No. Not now.
Obviously we are going
to talk about Diane,
but first we need to make sure
that Jack doesn't get in
over his head with that little
Fast Ashley.
- Definitely.
- Mm-hmm.
Any girl who's willing
to make out with Jack
in the stairwell doesn't respect herself
or the stairwell.
Oh, my God!
Dre, we just did it again.
We're coming down harder
on Ashley than Jack.
You know what? Maybe Ashley's father
is having the same talk with her.
But he's probably not around
because his daughter was
kissing a guy in a stairwell.
Dre.
Look.
I know I sound like a caveman.
- Yeah.
- But it is my job to protect Diane.
And I'm not going to apologize
for treating our son
and daughter differently.
Even if we treat them the same,
the world is gonna treat them
differently.
I remember when I was in high school,
if you were a girl and you had sex,
you were automatically outcast.
If you were a guy, you were king.
Yeah, but back then
if you wanted to brag,
you had to tell your friends one by one
or meet behind T-Will's house
while his grandmother
was grocery shopping.
- Eww.
- But now all you have to do is post
and the entire school sees it
in minutes.
I know.
I believe that women should be able
to freely express their sexuality,
but I know that it gets exploited.
None of this would be a problem
if there weren't men in the world.
- Hey!
- Yep.
Okay, I mean, you're right,
but I just had to say something.
It's an unfair world.
Diane is fifteen years old.
I don't want to dump all of this
on her shoulders.
But we need to prepare her
for the world as it is,
not the way we want it to be.
I know it's hard
being the mother of a daughter
in a patriarchal world.
Yes, I know some stuff.
Well, it could be worse.
I could be Ashley's mom.
Damn it.
I just did it again.
Ah, the Prince of Lies.
How'd it go, babe?
I told Olivia the truth
about how her spicy food
rushes through me
like a hot mountain spring.
Oh, sweetie,
I'm so sorry
to hear about you and Olivia.
No, Grandma, when someone
really cares about you,
you can tell them who you are
and they'll still be there.
Oh, so I'm just supposed
to tell the love of my life
that "our" song
the one we got married to
is the same one I had
with my last boyfriend
and the boyfriend before that
and the boyfriend before that
and the boyfriend before that?
"Let's Stay Together" was
your song with all those guys?
You find a good one, you stick with it.
I don't want to take the chance
of hurting your grandfather.
Trust me, Grandma.
You're going to feel a lot better
if you tell him the truth.
Okay, baby.
So now that you're smelling yourself,
you think you can come out here
and talk to me
like you're the second coming
of Black Jesus?
I put diapers on you, boy.
- Go on, get out of here.
- All right.
Long, lanky ass.
No matter how many years
we've been doing it,
we keep finding there's more
and more to being parents.
Uh, you ordered pizza?
Well, you failed as parents,
so we thought we'd treat ourselves.
- Mm-hmm.
- Huh, that's fair.
Ah, as you know, this wasn't
our finest day as parents.
And that's saying a lot
because you once left us on a ski lift.
Okay, and I know you guys are twins
and are used to being treated the same.
- Mm-hmm.
- But there are gonna be times
where we're gonna talk to you
differently
because you're getting older
and going through different things.
Yes, and, Diane,
it is so much harder on women,
especially on the Internet.
- Yeah, way hard.
- Mm-hmm.
So I advise you not to read any comments
on any of those apps or websites ever.
And we promise that you will both get
the same support
and the same honest information from us.
- Yeah.
- Okay?
- Thanks.
- Okay.
And when it can be the same,
it will be the same.
- Mm-hmm.
- All right?
For instance, you're both grounded!
- What?
- I don't understand. What do you mean?
Did you think that we forgot
that you lied to us
about a fake account?
No, you, young lady, cannot
leave this house for two weeks!
For w No! What?
And you, my son, what are you doing
tramping around the school campus
- like some trollop?
- Yeah.
What are you trying to do,
get a reputation?
You get two weeks as well!
What?!
Bam!
Sometimes you get it wrong,
but, man, parenting feels so good
when you get it right.
Let's stay together
Junior, what are you up to?
What?
- It's just your favorite song.
- Yeah.
Sung by your favorite man.
I'm so in love with you
Whatever you want to do
Sing, baby.
Is all right with me
Yeah.
'Cause you make me feel so brand new
All right, all right, Earl.
Come on, now. You don't have to do that.
All right, baby, look,
I know I'm no Al Green,
but I'm a little Al Jarreau. You know?
- Sit down, honey.
- Hmm?
I need to get something off my chest.
Is everything all right?
Okay.
Earl.
Our song hasn't only been "our" song.
It's been my song with a lot of others.
Now, I've kept that secret for years,
but Junior felt I should be
honest with you.
Well, at least that explains
why he said,
"Hey, Pops,
come put the moves on Grandma."
I'm sorry.
I thought it was harmless.
Baby, I don't care about that.
I can't blame you for loving a classic.
And I suppose I also can't blame you
for wanting a little consistency
in your romantic life.
Now, I know I haven't always been
the best provider of that for you.
You're the most consistent thing
in my life, Earl.
For better or worse.
Mm.
Well, let's keep aiming for better.
I love you.
I love you.
And while we're getting things
off our chests, um
No, no.
Just hold on. Let me say this, now.
You know, for the first
five years we were together
Yes?
I thought your name was Ruthie.
I did.
- You know, if you say it like R
- Oh, my God.
- Say it fast. Say it fast.
- Y-You know what?
- Ruby, Ruth. Ruby, Ruthie.
- You might want to shut up like right now.
Just let it go.
Let it go 'cause I heard you
scream that one night.