The Goldbergs s08e02 Episode Script

1
Back in the '80s,
the first day of school
wasn't exactly magical for me.
Yep, getting bullied, hazed, and
generally tortured for being a geek
had become a tradition.
But this year felt different.
Adam? More like, A-Damn!
I changed up my look over the summer,
and it did not go unnoticed.
Yo, Big Adam! AFG!
Wow, so many new nicknames
and none of them insulting
or about my gentleman's cankles.
Party at my place in an hour.
Uh, pretty sure we still
have school in an hour,
but I love the invite.
There's the prettiest girl in school.
Aww! Well, I think you're the
prettiest boy in school.
My mom does say I have a long
torso like Cheryl Tiegs.
I know she does.
See you at lunch.
What in the Oprah Show
Miracle Makeover is this?
- Mr. Glascott. How was your summer?
- Terrible.
As you know, guidance counseling
isn't very lucrative,
so I took a summer job mowing
the local golf course.
I saw two alligators.
I had a magical summer
with my foxy girlfriend.
- Thanks for asking.
- I didn't.
Why do you look so different?
Did somebody finally punch
those glasses off your face?
I got contact lenses.
- And is that a salon job?
- Nope. Just the sun.
I thought you were allergic
to God's warm life-giver.
Turns out that was just avocados.
It's all so effortless and stylish.
As if you are no longer afraid of
the world and everything in it.
That's probably the self-defense
class I took with my mom.
It was quite a summer.
Well, a gator took
one of my sport loafers,
so we all got things.
Hey.
Sorry, sir. We'll be on our way.
Dave Kim, it's me. Adam.
Oh, I didn't recognize you
with your healthy posture.
Yep. Turns out confidence and self-worth
are better than any orthopedic shoe.
Sounds like you and Brea had a
great summer, but we missed you.
Sorry about that, but
we're back together now,
and we're seniors! We rule!
Do we? My briefcase already
smells like the garbage
the cool kids make me put in it.
You really need to get a backpack.
Mad-man Ad-man!
I see you found a new
crop of freshmen to haze.
I'll take this one.
Stop! You know me.
Our moms work at the same firm.
- What's happening?
- What's happening is you're cool.
Oh, come on, Dave Kim.
It's Adam Goldberg, a classic nerd.
"Nanu-nanu."
"Goonies never say die."
"Wax-on wax-off."
You hang out with the jocks,
you're dating Brea Bee,
and the sun dances on your
hair like Christmas morning.
- Face it, you're cool.
- Please.
There's no difference
between you and me.
- Trash day.
- This turtleneck is a classic!
They don't make it in
"tickle me pink" anymore!
I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless
I feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps getting
clearer every day
It was fall 1980-something,
and with school starting,
my mom was getting used to being alone.
Looks like it's just you
and me, wet curds.
Hey, I'm here, too.
I just miss our little
munchkins so much.
Oh, the summer's raced by,
we've barely seen them,
and soon they'll be back at school.
We really did it.
Hey. We're back.
And you'll never leave me,
and you'll age backwards
till you're little babies,
and we'll start all over again?
What a haunting thought
so early in the day.
We went to the driving range
to hit golf balls.
I nailed the guy
in the ball-tractor nine times.
You were throwing them at him, Bar.
Ha! He has a bad job,
and I made it worse.
But why aren't you at your summer jobs?
Mine ended.
The manager at Hickory Farms
questioned my work ethic.
At least that's what I heard.
I wasn't there.
And my summer job said the pool
would be safer without me.
There's a whole week
before you go back to college.
That means my babies are back.
Whoa. We aren't babies anymore.
Damn right. I do
all kinds of adult stuff.
Just the other day, I said,
"I agree to disagree."
I was there. He used it wrong.
- I agree to disagree.
- Oh! Nice!
Well, until college starts again,
you're not gonna need any of that stuff.
All you need is your mama.
Starting with a three-meat
breakfast fit for a king!
Hey, I'm the king!
Quiet, Murray.
Our babies need their
essential fats and nitrates.
Yes! Bacon and links
and pancake dippers?
Is this a breakfast pizza for one?
Yeah, this one.
Dipper to Barry, Dipper to Barry,
we're ready to land in the hangar.
The hangar is my mouth!
Look at you two go.
Just a minute ago, you were
independent young adults,
and now your mommy's flying food
around your face, and what is this?
Just rubbing my baby's tootsies.
Mm! Get in there. Little circles.
I'm sorry, Mrs. G.,
but aren't you worried that,
if you treat them like babies,
they'll regress into babies?
That's the dream.
My schmoos are back in my sweet bosom.
It's gross, but it was a long year.
Let me have this.
Don't screw this up for us, Schwartz,
just because you don't have a mom.
I have a mom.
Her name is Linda,
and you know her well.
I-I'm just saying maybe
you should pump the brakes a little
before this gets weird.
She's really poppin' my toe knuckles.
Now I get why you married her, Dad.
Yeah, I'm really living the dream.
While Barry and
Erica were moving backwards,
I was looking forward
to seeing my old friends.
What's up, nerds?
I mean, fellow nerds.
I mean, who wants to play the sequel
we've all been waiting for,
Super Mario 2?
We beat that months ago.
We're on Super Mario 3 now.
There's an S.M.3?
Not in America.
But my brother's teaching
English in Japan,
and he sent over a copy.
We've been learning Japanese all
summer to get ready for it.
You need to know Japanese to play?
Wow, I really missed a lot.
You really did, dude.
Well, I'm here now,
and I'm excited to fully hang
with my nerd herd.
I don't know why I keep insulting you.
Whoa, this school has computers?
Ready for lunch?
We're tailgating
in the student parking lot.
Oh, is there a football game this week?
Nah.
Hey, guys, any interest
in supporting athletics kinda?
You seriously think we'd pick
a non-sanctioned barbecue
over soaring through
the 8-bit skies with Mario?
He can fly in this one?
Any interest in playing a video
game starring an Italian plumber?
Does it have extreme violence
and/or extreme nudity?
You can throw a turtle.
No, thank you.
Turtles are God's creatures.
It's okay. I'll just
catch you later, Ad.
My life is ruined!
Whatever it is, look on the bright side.
You can still digest cheese.
Will you take this seriously?
I came back from summer looking
like a bronze Ricky Schroder,
and now the popular kids want me bad.
While I don't entirely follow,
that does not sound like a problem.
Are you kidding?
I belong on the hood of a car
in a Whitesnake video!
You do have a nice way about you.
And now all my old friends
have moved on without me.
Welcome to my world.
Why are you wrapped up like that?
Mom swaddled me for warmth.
But now is the time
for cold, harsh truths.
Your old friendships are dead.
They can't relate to what you and I are
Kings among men.
But I like my old friendships.
Better than the awesome new ones?
I don't know. It's just different.
I hear you.
When I got back from the war,
my banjo buddies could not
relate to my army buddies.
Eventually, we had to find a mutual joy.
Turns out it was banana cream pies.
That's it!
If I want everyone to be friends,
I just have to find common ground!
I just told you, banana cream pies.
I-I'll give it five
more minutes, but thanks!
Aw, damn it! I need to be re-swaddled.
My arms got out! Mom!
Thanks to Pops, I had the perfect way
to bring my pals together.
Meanwhile, my mom's friends
were bonding over literature.
I'm so glad we started this book club.
We're such intellectuals.
Can we call it a book club when
we're just reading a magazine?
It's my week, Ginzy,
so open your People.
Well, I love the part where Harry Hamlin
is sexiest man alive. What a twist!
Mommy! I dropped a Popsicle on
the dog, and I need a new one.
A red one this time.
Also, you need to wash Lucky and the
carpet and a bunch of other stuff.
Not before you deal with this.
I slept on the clothes you folded,
so they need to be ironed.
I was here first!
And I changed my mind, I want purple.
Okay. One purple Popsicle and a
pile of pleated pants, pronto.
There you go, have fun with it.
Um, what's happening here?
Oh, uh, Barry, Erica,
and Mrs. G are trapped
in this cycle of codependence
that's growing worse by the hour.
I call it the "Great Regression,"
but I'm open to pitches.
Here's a pitch. Shut your dumb hole.
Bevy! That's my son!
Okay, but I only get my babies
for one week this summer.
I'm making the most of it.
Beverly, they're adults,
and you deserve to have
an adult relationship.
I've developed one with my boys,
and it's one of the things
I'm most proud of.
Well, I know it's not your hedges.
You never returned my clippers!
Okay, this magazine club is over.
Uh, I've got babies to tend to.
- And tend to them she did.
- Come on.
Mommy!
My carrots are too big.
Over the next week,
Barry got more helpless.
Now they're too small.
Throw 'em out
and start over with Kit Kats.
Erica got lazier
I'm gonna take this in your bed
'cause I spilled the last bowl in mine.
until finally it all became too much.
You want me to come running
when you ring a bell?
This bell.
I just figured I'm tired of shouting
and you're tired of not
responding to me quickly enough.
Wait. I want a Mom bell.
Oh, get your own! This is my Mom bell.
Not for long.
Mommy! Help!
Are you not hearing
this horrible loud ringing?
It's really unpleasant!
While my mom realized
her kids were out of control,
I was trying to take control
of my social life.
Thanks for coming.
How are the refreshments?
He took my Capri Sun.
Only to wash down your cookie.
Why are we here?
I was about to ask the same thing.
There are like ten other
rooms in this house, Dad.
- You can go anytime.
- You called my bluff.
We're here to find common
ground between all my friends.
JC, you're the epitome of cool.
It's obvious, but I do like
to hear it out loud.
A-And, Dave Kim,
you're the epitome of
What? Say it.
I'll say it. Loser. Putz. Schmuck.
Dork. Doof. Dink. Schmo. Dingus. Goober.
We get it, Don Rickles. Dorf.
Anyway, help me find the overlap
between both of your interests.
Ew, bro! Uh-uh.
His circle shouldn't touch my circle.
But maybe it can.
JC, what's something you think is fun?
Shoving a twerp in a locker
and then pouring Pepsi in the slots.
It was a Mr. Pibb.
- I know what I poured.
- Let's keep trying.
So we set out to list
everything cool kids and geeks like.
Falkor The Luck Dragon.
Casually mooning an old-folks bus?
The peaceful din of an empty room.
Creating a woman in a computer
program to give you compliments.
Throwing javelins at trees.
Guests who know when they've
outstayed their welcome.
Video games. Comics. Star Wars.
Great white sharks. Snow leopards.
Kodiak bears!
What is this again?
- We're naming apex predators.
- No, we're not.
Eventually, we found
tons of stuff in common.
We got pizza, Arnold Schwarzenegger,
and bumper cars.
But here's the test.
JC, how would you feel about
eating pizza with Dave Kim
while talking about Arnold
and bumper cars?
- It's not terrible.
- That's the spirit!
And Dave Kim?
I guess I'm open to it.
We did it! Best friend punch!
- Ow!
- This is for school?
It was lunch time,
and Operation Make All My
Friends Be Friends was a go.
Aha! Sweet! New giant cool-kid table.
Actually, JC, this is a combined
table for all my friends.
I believe you already know Dave Kim.
Oh, yeah! The guy with all the birds!
Not even a little.
It's something to talk about.
And while you're catching up Pizza?
Adam, w-why are you trying so hard
to bring everyone together?
I love spending time
with you and your friends,
but I miss my old friends.
There's got to be a way
I can have it all,
like Melanie Griffith in Working Girl.
That's sweet. And weird.
Yeah, how's that pepperoni treating you?
I didn't get a slice.
I just got elbowed in the head.
Corbett, did you take four slices?
It's the only way to make a
double-decker pizza sandwich.
Can we just go now?
Yes! Thanks for asking.
No! We're bonding.
And it's time for phase two.
How about that Terminator?
- Pretty cool, right?
- Schwarzenegger rules.
I have a Terminator bedspread.
Nice, Bird Guy.
From now on, I'm gonna
call you "Bedspread."
It's working!
You know, I like Arnold's muscles.
They remind me of my muscles.
I like the theme of the movie
Explosions.
You think the theme
of Terminator is explosions?
And sending your dad
back in time to bone your mom.
The theme is that everybody
has the ability
to defeat their own fate.
Don't tell me how to interpret
narrative motifs.
Adam, maybe it's time to call this?
Or maybe it's time for more snacks.
I'll be back with more pizza.
Wait. Was that your Arnold
Schwarzenegger impression?
I can do better.
I'd hope so. 'Cause that sucked.
Now say Arnold's line from Commando.
Remember when I said I'd kill you last?
I lied.
Wha That's so terrible.
You shame the Austrian people.
Well, you kind of brought them together.
Not how I pictured
it happening, but a win's a win.
While my bad
impression had good results,
my mom's bad habits
had only gotten worse.
Ginzy, I need to borrow your Cuisinart.
- I-I can't in good conscience.
- I'll find it.
What the
Your child knows how to vacuum?
Try and stop me. The home is
a reflection of all of us.
Barry and Erica just keep
throwing Nerds candies
in my path so I'm never quite done.
Look, Mom, the pears ripened,
just like you promised!
Well, what are you waiting for?
Core those suckers and make a cobbler!
Oh, way ahead of ya.
Already preheating the oven to "yum."
- Chad cooks?
- We cook together.
I find it's a great time for
us to catch up and reconnect.
Speaking of, how's your
tennis elbow, Mom?
Oh, much better. Thanks for asking, hon.
I meant to ask an hour ago.
Life moves so fast.
Damn it, I want this. Tell me how.
Wait. You're asking me
for parenting advice?
I know it's insane,
but I thought I wanted my
children to be babies forever.
But now I know what I want
is to have adult,
respectful relationships,
like the kind you have with your kids.
Well, right now, you're
indulging their every whim,
and they're taking advantage of you.
You need to set limits, establish rules,
and most of all, give them
some responsibilities.
But Barry says responsibilities
hurt his hugging arms.
The next time he says that, you say,
"The seed you plant today
becomes a flower tomorrow."
I don't care about gardening, Ginzy.
That's why I threw out
your gardening gloves.
Then when they act out, you say,
"Let's reconnect
after you've calmed down."
Look
here's a list of helpful phrases.
"I appreciate your understanding"?
"Let's approach this from a place
of mutual respect"?
"This feels like
a learning opportunity."
This crap works?
See for yourself.
Mm. Just 'cause.
I'm borrowing this instead.
As my mom planned to
steer her kids in a new direction,
I knew one more thing that would
drive my friends closer together.
Who's ready for bumper cars?
Not me. My mom was recently
in a minor car accident.
This brings it all back.
Aw, I'll be right here, Bedspread.
Look at them. The best of friends.
I really did it.
Are you sure bumper cars
are a good idea?
Seems like kind of a violent activity
for groups that are notoriously
unkind to each other.
Violently delightful.
Everyone loves bumper cars.
But this wasn't bumper cars.
It was a full-blown demolition derby.
Hey! Take it easy!
- She's showing weakness! Bash her more!
- Hey!
Turns out bringing cool kids and geeks
together was bumpier than I expected.
JC, you know me! I'm Bedspread!
Sorry, bro.
This is just assault.
Guys, stop! We're all friends here!
But we're clearly not.
I felt my brain bang against my skull!
I thought it would be fun for all the
people in my life to come together.
Maybe for you.
What are you doing?
Making it easier for you.
Just be with them 'cause you're
definitely not one of us.
There, there.
While my plan hit a roadblock,
my mom was ready for a new
path with Barry and Erica.
Mommy! Her foot touched my foot!
Is there a problem?
There wasn't until Barry
interrupted my basement nap.
Yeah, because I also prefer
to nap underground.
It's called "groundhog style,"
and it's everything to me.
So get your own couch!
Oh, good idea.
Mom, get me another couch.
This was it.
My mom could either keep
indulging her terrible kids
or take Ginzy's approach.
I understand your request,
but I'm confident you can
take care of it yourself.
That's the opposite of what I want.
Just haul the upstairs couch down here.
I bet it would be even more
satisfying if you did it yourself.
Why would I want to move a couch?
That sounds heavy and boring.
Geez, Mom, just shove it
down the stairs.
Gravity does most of the work.
I can see this is frustrating for you.
Let's revisit when you've calmed down.
I'll be calm when I have my couch.
Why are you being like this?
Because I am trying to have
an adult relationship.
Adult to adult,
take the cushions off first,
it'll make it a lot lighter.
I know I've indulged you,
but I want something different now.
I want to talk as equals.
Maybe while one of you
vacuums the stairs
and the other one bakes a pear cobbler.
Oh, now I want you to make a cobbler.
With ice cream. And cookies.
And drizzle on some fudge.
That's not even a cobbler anymore.
You'll figure it out.
Get the [Bleep] out of my house.
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
And go where?
That sounds like a problem you
adults can figure out yourselves.
It doesn't matter what's on top!
It's still a cobbler!
Ow!
After failing to bring
my friends together,
I ended up friendless.
It was shaping up to be
the worst school year ever.
Gah! You're so quiet.
I learned to be quiet
on the golf course.
Any noise screws up people's backswings
and alerts swamp monsters
to your location.
I hope you were compensated well.
Nope. So, what's your deal?
I lost all my old dorky friends
'cause I'm wildly cool now.
Adam, you will always
and forever be a nerd.
- Can I say that?
- I'm not loving it.
Still, come with me.
Climb this rope.
How's a demonstration of my
physical dominance gonna help?
Humor me.
Whatever. See you at the top.
Sure, I'd never reached the top before,
but this year was different.
I'd come a long way from being
an unathletic, scrawny geek.
I could dominate this rope.
I was a legend.
Am I there?
You're right where you should be.
I don't get it.
If I'm not ripped,
why did the mailman say,
"Looking good, little man"?
Yeah, he's just a weirdo.
Wait, so if I'm not as buff
and rad as I thought I was
and I'm not a dork anymore, what am I?
You're a little bit of everything.
Now I'm super confused.
In high school, you feel like
you can only be one thing
or belong to one group.
But as you get older,
you can be lots of things
to lots of people.
And once you realize that,
the whole world opens up for you.
So I can have cool friends
and nerd friends?
You can even have friends
that are guidance counselors.
I'd like that. Thanks, John.
Nope. Go back.
That does not make my ears feel good.
As Mr. Glascott
reminded me I could be anything,
my mom was scared
she'd only ever be one thing.
Any idea why Erica's sitting
out on the front lawn
and Barry's up in a tree?
I kicked them out.
Eh, works for me.
I was trying to end
the Great Regression,
but Ginzy's phrases didn't work,
and then they refused
to make me a cobbler
when I wouldn't move a couch.
I have no idea what any of
that means, but I do know that
when our children stay home too
long, they turn into morons.
And it's my fault.
Our whole relationship is based on me
indulging them their entire lives.
'Cause I thought
that's what a good mama did.
But now that they're older, I just
I want something more.
Tell 'em that.
I tried, but it didn't work,
and then I threw them out on the street.
Well, then keep trying.
You deserve to have the relationship
you want with your kids.
- You think?
- I know.
Now, go outside and get Barry
before he falls on his head.
Sometimes, we can
indulge the people we love so much
it's hard to see
we're holding them back.
Hey.
Hey.
Look, I'm sorry I kicked you out.
We're sorry, too.
You do so much for us,
and it was wrong to take
advantage of your love.
You will always be my babies.
But I'd really like
to try something new.
Way ahead of you.
I cut down most of the Kremps'
pear tree while we were homeless.
You mind if we chat while
we make you a cobbler?
Yeah, like, what's your story?
My story is that I am the
luckiest mom in the world.
Sure, it can be
scary to change something
that's been the same for a long time.
Oh, hey. Come to invite
us to group dodgeball?
Or a wedgie tournament?
Or throw my glasses in that long urinal
where you sometimes touch
shoulders with strangers?
I'm really sorry for
forcing you to do things
you weren't comfortable with.
But you all mean the world to me,
and I guess what I'm trying to say is
Oh, man, I just learned the one thing.
You'll catch up.
In the end, when we change who we are,
it doesn't mean we lose who
we were or who we care about.
And through all those changes,
the people who love us
will always be there.
Truth is, we never stop growing up.
Everyone just does it
at their own speed.
Yeah, I'd come a long way
since I was a freshman.
It was my senior year,
and it was gonna be different
for all of us.
But one thing was for sure
I couldn't wait
for the adventure to begin.
Come on, Adam.
Hey! Notice anything different?
You're wearing roller skates?
Inspired by your radical change,
I decided to change myself.
Now I'm Mr. Glascott
the roller-skating guidance counselor.
Check out my moves.
- That's okay, I guess.
- You guess?
It took me three days to learn that.
I just don't see how roller-skating
is gonna help you relate
to students any better.
Watch and learn.
Give me a little help here.
Super-cool guidance counselor
coming through!
That's why you start with a necklace.