Rick and Morty (2013) s09e02 Episode Script

1
[ Tires screech ]
[ Crashing ]
[ Flare sizzles ]
[ Clattering ]
[ "57 Coupe de Ville" plays ]
♪♪
Well, everybody loves me ♪
Everywhere I go ♪
The women wanna kiss me ♪
The men all wanna know ♪
[ Spits ]
How's my baby handle ♪
[ Engine starts ]
When I take her up
to Blueberry Hill?
[ Air hisses ]
I tell 'em
life's a bowl of cherries ♪
In my '57 Coupe de Ville ♪
[ Music stops ]
[ Wind howling ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ Engine shuts off ]
[ Muzak playing ]
[ Bowling pins clatter ]
There he is.
Knew I'd get a handsome man
in here if I waited around
long enough.
Had to patch a tire
out on County Line.
Too good for a tow?
Too impatient.
You city folk.
Always in a hurry.
By God, look who it is!
He's back!
Hey!
Welcome back, brother!
Don't know why I ever leave.
A place to bowl,
a place to fish.
Together:
And a beer to hold doing it!
[ Burps ]
[ Laughter ]
Best friends!
We love you, Ted!
Together: Ted!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
You still selling PVC?
How's -- How's
business down there?
Good enough
to get me back up here.
Think you could put in
a word?
Son, you don't wanna
sell pipe.
He just wants to lay some.
[ Laughter ]
Ah, good to have you back,
brother.
Ahhh. Split a sixer?
[ Engines starting ]
Marjorie's keeping the place
open late now?
Yeah. Her mother passed
a few months back.
Don't think
she wants to go home.
Everybody's runnin'
from something.
[ Gearshift clicks ]
[ Door opens, bottles clink ]
How's Luisa?
She still kick you out of bed
when you drink?
Yep.
Might as well
keep drinking.
[ Both laugh ]
Open the register
and gimme your wallet!
[ Gasps ]
Ahh!
No, no, no.
[ Robber groans ]
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Clattering ]
Teddy?
Hello.
There's a robbery.
I think this guy's having
a heart attack.
[ Bells ring ]
Ted, where you going?
Hey!
The cops are coming.
Ted! Teddy!
This guy's dying in here!
[ Electricity humming ]
Ahh!
Gaaah!
Alright, well, shit.
What the hell?
What the hell?!
Looks like you learned
some things about your body.
I'll make this simple, Ted.
You're not a PVC salesman
from two states south.
You're the smartest man
who's ever lived,
and you were born
400 lightyears away.
You're on Beloi-6E.
It's a primitive planet
with good country music
and a shit-ton of snow,
real early '90s Earth vibes.
They're 100 years
from first contact,
so they don't know who I am --
who you are.
Which is the whole point.
Y-You think it's fun
to be a god, Ted?
You think God's nipples get hard
when he murders a fish?
Th-That's why every summer
I take two weeks off
and come here.
I wipe my brain and pull all
but my survival tech.
[ Groaning ]
I go home with the peace
of mind stupid people get
from watching Kevin Costner
movies.
So, look, if you're seeing this
because shit's gone sideways,
hit the red button
to be me again.
If everything's cool,
hit the blue button
to clear this from your memory
and enjoy the rest of your trip.
Okay, Morty, that's a wrap on
"If you've been
messing with my tech."
Let's run
the "Taken" scenarios.
[ Groaning ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Electricity zaps ]
You here about
the dishwasher job?
Shit, you're a popsicle.
You know me, right?
[ Chuckles ]
I'd sure like to think so.
I mean it.
How could you?
I'm just some guy
who shows up every year.
Well, something keeps you
coming back here.
Ooh! Lay back.
I got a surprise for you.
Got this set up
since your last visit.
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
It's nice.
Haven't really found occasion
to use it.
Thanks for giving me one.
I don't mind the company.
You still have
that spare room in back?
I don't want to sleep
in the RV.
♪♪
Mm. Don't go.
I'm not gonna.
[ Door opens ]
Okay, obviously,
you're seeing this hologram
because you ignored the
instructions from the last one.
If you're seeing this hologram,
you decided to ignore
I dunno why
that would've happened,
it'd mean
you went pretty rogue.
the hologram
that's currently playing.
So just a gentle reminder --
you're not a real person,
you're me.
You're permanentlyyour
vacation spot,
which hurts you more
than it hurts me.
Though, in all honesty,
we're both getting hurt
pretty severely
[ Laughter ]
Ted, one of these days,
you gotta come up in July.
I caught a muskie last summer
came about up to my neck.
Stop lying to the man.
No fish in this lake.
Actually, thought
I might stick around this year.
See the thaw.
For real, Teddy?
You're gonna --
You're gonna stay?
What about your company?
Doesn't seem real.
I-It's like I've been pretending
I go somewhere when I leave,
but I think I only exist
when I'm here.
Like this is literally the
only place I'm actually alive.
Does thatmake sense?
Good thing
nobody's driving tonight.
[ Laughter ]
[ Water splashes, reel squeals ]
Hey!
[ Snoring ]
[ Whirring ]
♪♪
[ Ringing ]
Rick: Fuck me.
Morty: Hello? Rick? Rick!
Who is this?
Aaawwww, I'm really gonna
get in trouble for this.
How are you calling
my leg?
I'm not supposed to ever
use the leg phone,
but I-I just need you
to get in the egg.
Don't pick a fight
with yourself, okay?
I just want to get you home
before anything worse happens.
Nothing's worse than
finding out I'm some character
that asshole plays,
some costume he puts on to --
He doesn't need you alive
to bring you home.
It's not my home!
I'm not him!
You are.
I mean, I agree with you.
He can be kind of a dick,
but y'know, this --
this is just how it is.
No! Help!
Help!
Oh, and if you could just
hang up the leg phone?
I'll just -- I'll never
hear the end of it
if the leg phone gets lost.
Hello? Hello?
[ Groaning ]
Ted, are you okay?
[ Groans ] Thank you.
What is this thing, Ted?
I'm not who you think I am.
Is this your ship
from space?
Your spaceship?
It's his.
He'snon-vacation me.
I don't know him.
And I don't want to.
But this asshole's
coming for me
and I don't intend
to let him win.
Marjorie:
For the love of Pete.
Do you understand
what you're asking?
I wouldn't ask at all
if there were any other way.
Janice, Mary,
I gotta send you home.
We're closing early.
Come on!
We're only three frames in!
[ Switches clicking ]
Thank you.
[ Muttering ]
Nobody gonna
take me seriously.
Janice's gonna
have her word
Promise me you won't
come back here tonight.
Always were dramatic.
Promise.
I just -- Don't die
in my bowling alley.
You hear me?
[ Groans ]
[ Grunting ]
Holy hell.
How's it going out there,
Bowser?
Bowser: All good.
Sprinklers, Antonio?
Working on it.
Little Mike?
[ Valves squeaking ]
[ Remote beeps ]
Okay, Big Mike.
[ Saw buzzing ]
[ Rick screams ]
[ Electricity humming ]
[ Whoosh ]
[ Whirring ]
[ Drones buzzing ]
Now!
We need those sprinklers,
Antonio!
It's not working.
There's too many!
Fry 'em!
Mike!
Follow me,
ya drone bastards!
Whoa!
Teddy, drop!
[ Fire alarm rings ]
[ Electronic whirring ]
-Yes!
-Come on! Rack' em up!
-Whoo-hoo!
-Time for a beer!
Fuck you,
you self-centered prick!
Who's not a real person now,
huh?
Marjorie!
Why'd you come back?
I told you not to come back.
You know me. [ Coughs ]
I'm a stubborn old bitch.
[ Coughs ]
Never could leave.
[ Groans ]
Ohh.
Oh, my God.
I'msorry.
[ Electricity zaps ]
Ah!
Where you going,
Teddy?
[ Electricity zaps ]
[ Grunts ]
Ahh!
[ Mechanical whirring ]
UhTed?
He thought he could come here
and destroy me,
so I'm gonna go there
and destroy him.
Whattaya need from us?
I need you to leave.
I clearly can't keep you safe.
I can't keep anyone safe!
Well, we won't let
Marjorie die for nothing.
Yeah, he may be
one bad son of a bitch,
but you have us.
Where you go,
we go.
[ Static whirs,
electricity zaps ]
[ Monitor beeps, static hisses ]
There you are, motherfucker.
[ Marty Robbins's "Big Iron"
plays ]
To the town of Agua Fria
rode a stranger one fine day ♪
Hardly spoke to folks
around him ♪
Didn't have too much to say ♪
No one
dared to ask his business ♪
No one dared to make a slip ♪
The stranger there among them
had a big iron on his hip ♪
Big iron on his hip ♪
Big iron on his hip ♪
Uh, how long has it been
since you flew, Mike?
I never flew anything
like this.
We'll be okay.
Luisa, te veré de nuevo.
[ Smooches ]
[ Doors clang ]
[ Switches click ]
[ Beeping ]
Boosters are go.
Nav system, go.
Big Mike, on my count.
Initiating in three, two, one.
[ Engine roaring ]
Up the pressure!
S'not responding!
We gotta turn back!
We can't turn back!
Keep her together!
Equalizing now!
We're almost clear of orbit!
Hold her! Hold her!
[ All screaming ]
Bowser:
Are you seeing this?
It's amazing.
♪♪
That was the easy part.
Hold on to your dicks.
[ Electronic whirring ]
[ All screaming ]
[ Birds chirping ]
Whoa! [ Groans ]
[ Slurring ] Okay,
i-if you're -- if you're
seeing this one,
clearly th-the holograms
are -- are --
they're not working.
Ahh! Let's get him, boys!
[ All grunting ]
Garage AI: Forcibly deactivating
vacation mode.
[ All gasping ]
Whoa!
[ Grunting ]
[ All groaning ]
Whatever you're doing
out here
has broken
the garbage disposal.
Turn this thing off,
or I fry her!
Dad, do you want to call off
"Deliverance" here?
My God.
You're his daughter?
It's unbelievable that I'm
not allowed to buy alcohol yet.
Garage, override code
Charlie 7 alpha.
[ Beeping, whirring ]
Ugh!
Take her out, Mike!
Wait!
Don't hurt her.
Awww!
Jeez, you're back!
Ohhh, wait.
Are you stillVacation Rick?
Please tell me you have
the leg phone.
You spring breakers
put a hole in my roof.
I'm going back out
to the pool.
Hey, buddy, y-you made it
all the way home.
And you brought your --
your little buds.
Ted?
Stand down.
They didn't ask for this.
You can say that again.
Somebody better get
the disposal running.
There's fishbones
in there.
It's called
a garbage disposal!
That was your voice
on my leg phone.
You're his friend?
Kind of.
I'm your grandson.
Well, it looks like we're
gonna be here for a while, huh?
Where's that fucking
red button?
Uh, hey, uh, me?
H-Hologram guy?
Garage?
Garage AI: Yes?
Y-You can hear me.
Uh, where's this guy
keep his tools?
Holy shit.
Hey, Teddy.
As long as you're building
spaceman stuff
[ Bowling pins clattering ]
[ Mid-tempo music playing ]
[ Electronic whirring ]
Yeah. Alright!
[ Laughter ]
I'm gonna get
another drink.
Come on, Ted. We were
beating you before this, too.
Gimme another pitcher.
Sure.
Are you one of those hicks
with robot arms?
What'd you call me?
I thought you guys
were owning it.
I'll make it interesting,
Teddy.
[ Electronic whirring ]
[ Laughter ]
Tough luck! [ Chuckles ]
That's a hard spare to hit.
Guys, I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.
[ Birds chirping ]
What are you doing out here?
Beth made pancakes.
I'm busy.
You're wearing
his clothes now.
It has pockets,
it's not a symbol.
Teddy, you know
what would be cool?
If I had laser eyes.
Or, okay, one eye is a laser,
and the other sees
through clothes.
What the hell
is that?!
Just go in.
I can see our bowling alley.
We're going home.
So, we won?
We -- We beat this guy?
Sure.
-Yeah!
-Booyah!
-We did it!
-We're goin' home, boys!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
And, uh, you'll gimme lasers
when we, uh, get back home?
Oh!
Hey, want me to keep an eye
on your old stuff?
Sell it if you want.
Buy Luisa something nice.
[ Sighs ]
He looks pretty normal to me.
Talk to him, then.
Dad? Oh, God! Ugh!
He's still Ted, apparently.
There's a difference?
[ Water splashes ]
You see what I'm saying?
I'm not staying
if I can't swim.
[ Townes Van Zandt's
"Waitin' Around to Die" plays ]
♪♪
Sometimes I don't know where
this dirty road is taking me ♪
Sometimes I don't even know
the reason why ♪
But I guess
I keep a-gamblin' ♪
Lots of booze
and lots of ramblin' ♪
Well, it's easier than just
awaiting 'round to die ♪
[ Electronic zapping ]
Well,
look who's back.
Came to pour one
[burps] out for Marjorie.
Marjorie's over there.
This is Little Mike.
Oh, Jesus.
He got run through
on his own robot arm.
My boy!
Fuck.
He was drunk.
Guess he had
something in his eye.
I didn't mean for any of this
to happen, you guys.
[ Burps ] It was just nice
to vacation with dumb people.
You did this,
you fake outsider
piece of shit.
[ Burps ] Morty.
We're in the middle
of a game.
M-M-Morty, G-- [ Burps ]
Grandpa needs you.
G-Grandpa needs you, Morty.
C-Come on [burps]
it'll just take a minute.
Uh, okay Rick.
I mean, Ted.
What are we --
What are we
calling him now?
Jesus!
That's really dangerous!
It's empty,
I-I don't know how to --
How do we get more, Morty?
We gotta get more.
Oh, great, the one time
I was winning.
Can you take your grandfather
back out to the garage,
please, Morty?
That is a troubling
family dynamic.
Everybody knows that,
right?
We can discuss it
after we get this thing
Ow! Ow!
off your father.
Kn-Know what --
know what, Morty?
I'm not going back there ever.
Oh!
Stupid bowling.
Bottle-shooting morons.
Idiot trophy.
Aw, w-wait, no, you don't wanna
keep some of these?
Y-You look so happy.
Aaaaahhh! Don't -- Don't --
Don't shred me, Rick!
It's trash now, Morty!
Drop it!
Ooh! Ahh! Ohh!
I'm sorry I tried
to shred you, Morty.
Y-Y-You're a nice kid,
a good -- good boy.
You should have your grandpa.
N-Not this --
I'm -- I'm too stupid, Morty.
Stupid Ted.
If I were just
a little bit smarter, I could --
I-I could figure it out.
And be happy.
I'm gonna push the button,
Morty.
I'm -- I'm gonna do it
for you.
Uh, if that makes you
feel better?
Is he
Is he better at this?
Rick? Um, yeah.
Yeah, he is. You are.
D-Don't --
Don't bullshit me, Morty.
No, you're really smart,
really important.
You have a great family,
and -- and lots of friends.
You'reso happy.
Andwe all
really love you.
Aw, fuck it.
It -- It didn't work?
No.
It did.
♪♪
I get stuck on pages ♪
You keep trying to turn ♪
Feels like I've been
on this one for ages ♪
When will I ever learn? ♪
Oooh ♪
We've always known you as
a tourist on our little island.
But now we're gonna
know you as part of our family.
I love you, Sallpock.
Mush-mush-molock.
I didn't think
I was the kind of man --
[ Sobs ] Sorry.
I, um --
We love you, Sallpock!
[ Crowd cheers ]
Should anyone object, speak now
or forever hold your peace.
Yeah, I object.
[ Crowd gasps, murmurs ]
Shouldn't we let it play out?
He's not in danger.
I've never seen
these people before in my life.
Okay, Grandpa Rick. Let's go.
Vacation's over.
It's not my vacation!
It's my home!
[ Panting ]
No, no! Let me go! No!
Boom. Egged!
It's okay.
He's an alien
who removes his intelligence
to hook up with locals.
He likes that you're simple.
He doesn't want to be known.
Did you get any of that?