Rick and Morty (2013) s09e03 Episode Script

Jerry, this is disgusting.
How did it get so dirty already?
Because your crappy pool bot
doesn't work.
Pool not found. Searching.
But the guy that lives
behind the pool store dumpster
gave me a sweet deal.
Oh my God! Why didn't you hire
Keith the pool guy like I told you?
Keith's schedule was full.
What are you jackoffs talking about?
Ooh! Jerry's new pool sucks?
Allow me.
No, Rick, this is my pool!
I can handle this mess
without your sci-fi shenanigans.
Copy that. Treat Jerry like a baby
so he can feel like a man.
Come on, Rick, let's go.
Gotta scoot.
Finally taking Morty to Boob World,
and we need to stop by the store
for supplies.
Good luck
with your septic tank, Jerry.
Ugh. I gotta go to work.
Someone's gotta win
the bread around here.
Pool not found. Searching.
Trader Joe's hash browns,
the most efficient booze absorber
in the multiverse.
Think you're supposed to
heat those up first, big guy.
No, no. Look, Morty,
my mouth is an air fryer now.
It's really happening, huh?
I'm finally going to Boob World.
Oh, yeah! Boob World, baby!
It appears
there has been an accident.
That happens. No harm, no foul.
Have a good one, buddy.
We should exchange information
before going our separate ways.
We could go even separater ways
by not exchanging anything.
But our bumpers collided.
Oh my God,
is this how you make friends?
Is this how you make enemies?
- What the hell does that mean?
- Rick, stop!
- He started it.
- He did not start it.
Be the bigger man so we can go
to Boob World already!
Fuck that.
We gotta set this idiot straight.
Look, buddy,
it's obvious you're some kind of
heightened Kung Fu archetype.
But I'm a Doctor Who-Loki,
and people like you
are like NPCs to me.
I have struck you with the Five Point
Exploding Heart Technique,
the most fatal punch
in all of martial arts.
Victims are able to walk
only five steps forward
before their heart explodes.
Five steps forward?
Try it and find out.
Don't tell me what to do.
I'll find out with science.
Nice day for a backwards walk!
- No, stupid!
Pull the car around and pick me up!
What did that idiot do to me?
This doesn't make any damn sense.
Just apologize.
Haven't we done clones enough?
Not a clone, Morty. A Xerox of me
that I've lobotomized
to be a crash-test dummy.
- Look at my balls!
- Hey, do us a favor.
Walk forward, five to six steps.
Your choice.
One, two, three, four.
Huh? So this is legit.
Better take a closer look.
There are over 700 meridians
in the human body.
Mr. Kung Fu struck
specific pressure points in me
and induced commotio cordis.
Five steps forward will cause
massive compression buildup,
causing my heart to explode
under its own pressure.
Let's see what happens
when I attach a copy of my heart
to a copy of my legs.
Interesting, huh?
More gross than interesting.
So far, we're on brand.
Fuck you. Watch this.
See that?
Cardiac detonation is triggered
only by forward bipedal movement.
I can't believe
I'm missing Boob World for this!
Just apologize to the guy.
Maybe he'll un-punch you.
The day I apologize
will be because I am truly sorry.
I don't sully apologies
by making it a ritual of flagellation
for someone who,
in this case, is a bully.
You called the man an NPC.
Why do you always have
to take the side of the waiter?
Because your side is insane!
- Okay, then. Fuck off.
- Maybe I will!
- Go ahead! No one's stopping you!
- Fine!
This is me fucking off
out of the fucking garage
Pool not found. Searching.
- Pool not found. Searching.
- The pool is right behind you.
Just turn around, you stupid thing.
- Pool not found. Searching.
- No!
Jerry, this is your moment.
Be a man and figure it out.
Hi there, emasculated pool dads.
Okay. Specific.
Is your pool gross?
Does your family not respect you?
Don't worry. I'll show you
how to upgrade your TR-X1
and clean your pool
better than any human being.
But first, let's discuss
the history of pool cleaning.
- Oh, boy. This is three hours?
'Cause it's dangerous.
Bloody stuff of nightmares!
Now that we've gone over
the safety guidelines,
click the link below
for a list of long language models.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.
I did it! I made something work!
I am the greatest husband alive!
Walk backwards the rest of your life.
God, see if I care.
my grandpa this morning?
That was unfortunate.
I did not study under
Shifu Gerd Jergins at Tiger's Nest
to beat up old people.
The point of martial arts
is to avoid violence.
I am Liu Sin.
Oh, um, I'm Morty Smith.
Is it racist to say I adore
your Kung Fu patience?
- I can teach you.
- Racism?
No. Kung Fu.
Breathe.
Feel your Chi circulate within.
Very good, Morty.
This is great.
Life with Rick is filled
with so much anxiety.
Alrighty, Mr. Sin.
I didn't have the right cables
to hook up the flat screen.
It's gonna cost a bit extra
to get those.
Hmm. Pity.
Jesus! Don't step forward.
You only get five steps
before you die!
But I have so much to do today.
What was up with that guy?
Dude! He was just doing his job,
and you killed him.
Is that a criticism?
Activate Advanced-Limitation Suit.
Look who ain't
stepping forward now, baby!
Rick!
Rick!
Morty, what happened?
I got death punched.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
my little pooh-bah!
I went back to Trader Joe's
to eat my feelings
'cause I was mad at you.
But then I ran into Liu Sin,
and he punched me.
Nobody fucks
with my sweet little grandson.
First, I'm gonna cure the dick
off this death punch, Morty.
And then I'm gonna destroy
Mr. Liu Sin's entire belief system!
Clean, clean, clean. Task complete.
Awaiting command.
Amazing! Oh, I gotta tell Beth.
Uh, hello? Beth, I fixed the pool.
Uh, great. Did you hire Keith?
No. The pool is clean because of me.
Come home and look.
Jerry, please. I am literally
in the middle of something.
Oh.
Fuckin' phone. Where'd you go?
Awaiting command.
Whatcha doing?
Clean?
Alright. This pool
isn't gonna swim itself.
Oh. That's nice.
You're really being thorough.
I'd be pissed if I had to climb
all these stupid steps with my legs.
What is it? I'm watching TV.
Are you Gerd Jergins?
Did you train a guy named Liu Sin?
Ugh, that guy sucks.
We're in these antigrav suits
'cause your student death punched us.
You are not alone.
- Liu Sin death punched my cat.
- Ouch.
I wanna do a bunch of science
on your punch to cure ourselves.
Just need to collect a little
more Kung Fu data from you
so I can hack it.
You think me dumb?
If I help you unlock the secrets
of pressure point fighting,
you are going to revenge
all over Liu Sin.
The solution to violence
is not more violence.
Hello? Are you coming over
for Mother's birthday or not?
What? No, no, no, no,
you cannot bring all of them.
I'm not the one being difficult.
You may bring one partner.
One. Not seven, for crying out loud.
It's weird!
Oh, shit.
Trouble in paradise?
Oh, my daughter and I
have a tricky relationship.
She is in what the kids
call today a "polycule."
In my day, we called them sluts.
If we helped you fix things
with your daughter,
would you help us?
Oh my God. What have I done?
To confirm setting a daily reminder
for pool bot sexy time, say yes.
- What?
- I have compiled a list
of divorce attorneys in your area.
Would you like me to send?
No! Cancel! Cancel!
Uh, hey, Beth. You're right.
This pool bot is not working out.
We should hire Keith,
the pool cleaner, like, today.
Can I have his number?
He's right next door? Great!
So great that you were
in the area, Keith.
When can you start?
Like now? Now is good for us.
I appreciate
your enthusiasm, Mr. Smith,
but I just packed up for the day.
I'll pay you double if you,
if you start now.
What's the hurry?
It looks like your pool's clean.
Whore! Whore!
What are you doing?!
Kill! Kill! Kill!
No! No! Stop! Let him go!
Task incomplete.
Kill! Kill!
- Kill!
- Good Lord, she's gone rogue.
Task incomplete. Kill. Kill.
And lastly, but not leastly,
this is Rizz, Milo, and Kathleen.
It's too many people.
How will I remember all these names?!
Ugh! Why do I even try?
I was intrigued by the floating
pod man and his little helper.
But you'll never change.
You're still an old farty fart face.
My face does not fart!
You are disrespectful daughter!
Hey, respect cuts both ways.
Trust me. You won't explode
if you meet your daughter halfway.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's not the seven partners
that bother me.
It's that now there are seven ways
to get your heart broken.
Dad, this is the life I've chosen.
Please respect that.
Stephanie, you may bring everyone
to Mom's birthday.
- Everyone?
- Yes. Milo, Kathleen, Rizz,
Oboe, Turmeric, Almond Butter,
and Bartholomew.
You're all welcome.
Thanks, Dad.
Looks like we lived up
to our end of the bargain.
Well, I suppose I'd be a total dick
if I didn't give you what you want.
Your words. But, yeah.
Just hit the Punchamalizer.
Its AI will whip me up
a death punch cure.
I warn thee, Rick Sanchez.
Abusing the punch will bring down
tremendous fury upon you!
Punch up or shut up.
Did it work? I don't feel anything.
Only five ways to find out.
Fucking seven!
Morty, we're cured!
You did it! We can walk forward!
Oh, I'm running around!
Wubba lubba dub-dub!
Hey, Liu!
Liu Sin!
Look who's walking forward now.
How is it that you live?
- Science!
- Science!
I have dissected
the Exploding Heart Technique
and reverse-engineered
all of martial arts.
The pre-programmed nanobots
coursing through our veins
- Kung Fu power!
- Kung Fu power!
My martial-art skills are unmatched.
Prepare to die.
Morty, you saw it! He came for me.
Let the ass-whoopin' begin.
Mountain Fuck Punch!
First, I will give you whites
a taste of hell,
and then you will apologize
for bending my fender.
You want an apology? Come get it.
Worm Magnet Punch!
Gross! Birds!
Birds pecking gross worms.
Super Sizzler Pinwheel!
Ow!
Tabasco Palm Punch!
Hot! Too hot! I need milk.
Maximum Overdrive Punch!
Inflated Noggin Punch!
Telescope Leg!
My thoughts are so big now.
Bubble Burst Punch!
Oh, that's better.
Amnesia Knuckle Punch!
What am I doing here?
And which Beth is the clone?
Control + Z Punch!
Now I remember. This guy sucks.
Butt Soup Punch!
Reverse Uno Punch!
Reverse Reverse Punch!
I Know You Are, But What Am I Punch!
I'm Rubber, You're Glue Punch!
Unrepentant dogs!
You have disrespected
the power of the punch.
Who the fuck is this guy?
It is Punchy, the ancient
demon-god of hitting things
and sweet drinks.
We be doomed.
Okay. We should be safe in here.
She can't move out of the pool.
- "She"?
- My robotic pool cleaner.
I upgraded her with shady software.
Then we had sex.
I think she's jealous
and wants to kill you
because she loves me.
Mondays, right?
Task incomplete.
Task incomplete.
Task incomplete. Task incomplete.
Huh? The house went
into lockdown for no reason.
Is that bad?
You hear that?
Sounds like water running.
Gerd did say abusing the punch
would bring great fury down on us.
Kung Fu is not about violence!
Now you will be punished
by my champion kicking your ass.
It is Punchenhimer,
the beast
with a million pressure points.
It is impossible
to strike all of them.
How are we supposed to hit them all?
Rick, this is my fault.
Earlier today,
in the Trader Joe's parking lot,
I backed into your spaceship
on purpose.
What?
I am a lonely old man.
The only way I know
how to connect with people
is through conflict.
Can you relate to that?
No.
Punchenhimer is on top of us.
What are we gonna do?
I wish I had finished my training
at Tiger's Nest.
Gerd Jergins was teaching me
the ultimate move,
the Splatter Bolt Kick,
a rapid-fire attack
stronger than any punch.
Alas, I do not have the knowledge
to complete it.
Rick does.
He gathered all Kung Fu data
when he dissected
the Exploding Heart Technique.
It'll take a bit of field surgery.
I am willing to endure
whatever it takes
to reset the balance.
Lie down. I'll try to keep the rubble
out of your chest.
Kill! Kill! Kill!
Oh, no. She's found a way in.
The pool bot is flooding the house
to kill you, Keith.
We gotta swim upstairs
before it's too late.
But I can't swim!
- What? You clean pools!
- It's my deepest shame.
This is a total nightmare for me.
Kill! Kill! Kill!
Kill! Kill!
Stay here.
It's my pool and my problem.
I'm the man of the house.
Kill! Kill! Kill!
Oh, no. Wait. I'm sorry.
That other pool cleaner
means nothing to me, baby.
Nothing.
You gots to believe
you're my one and only.
Task incomplete.
Shh. Our task is incomplete,
and I'm gonna fix that.
Set an appointment
for pool bot sexy time
starting now.
Clean?
Alright, Jerry,
we need to talk about this pool.
Wow!
The pool looks great, Keith.
Yeah. Nice job, buddy.
Sure. Yeah. All it needed
was a little elbow grease.
And Mr. Smith said he'll pay me
three times my usual rate.
Oh, you better pay up
or I'll tell her
you fucked the pool bot.
Guys, I'm only three feet away.
I can hear everything.
Jerry, you fucked the what now?
The pool bot.
It started cleaning my nipples.
And, you know,
that's-that's one of my go-tos.
- Dah-dah-da.
I don't care what you do
with the appliances, Jerry.
My hair dryer makes me cum
like a wild cat.
Hold it, Punchenhimer!
Pack your bags, asshole!
We're here to send you back to hell.
Get ready to feel Kung Fu!
Combined with fire!
Let's fight one last time together.
Oh yeah, baby!
Splatter Bolt Kick!
Wasn't that refreshing?
You three have learned
the value of nonviolence.
All is forgiven.
Bye!
Well, I'm bushed.
- Almost done?
- All finished.
- What do you think, sir?
- It's ready! Come and get it!
- Wow!
- Damn, son.
- That's clean!
- Our pool is amazing.
You're the best dad ever.
Yeah. Who needs Boob World
when we got Dad's pool?
I just wanna make you all happy.
You did, Jerry. You really did.
Ah, yes!
Oh my God, I'm at a party.
Pool season, baby! Yeah!
The Smith family has a pool!
Beth, we talked about this.
Okay, I forgot.
Thank you.
It's not the same.
Yeah, I know.
Did you get any of that?