Rick and Morty (2013) s09e05 Episode Script

I'm so nervous!
It's been so long,
no one even makes fun of me
for being unemployed anymore.
Aw. We can make fun of you
if you want, sweetie.
You could also take one of these.
It's a worry worm.
It eats your worries
and dies out in a couple hours.
I'm on one right now. Super chill.
- I'm not taking breakfast drugs!
- We doing breakfast drugs?
I'm just dropping Morty off.
Deal me in.
Nobody's dealer-ing anyone.
Seriously, guys,
this interview is important to me!
Wow! Good luck, Dad!
Didn't realize you were still trying.
Yeah. Why? No one's on your ass
to contribute a thing.
Ah, if you're trying to neg me
into taking a worm, you've succeeded.
Negging works.
See you all in a week!
I'm so excited!
Is this what it feels like
to have friends?
Wouldn't know. Pick you up on Sunday?
See you then!
- Snowball!
- Morty!
Oh my God! I missed you so much!
Me too, Morty. Me too.
I was there when that happened.
Really cool!
Whoa! They got a monorail too?!
Proud of my dog.
He built this place, you know.
Shit! What the fuck?
Paul! Come! Come!
Don't mess with him.
We don't know if he's had his shots.
Morty. Oh, I see you've met a mup.
No big deal.
Just humanoid creatures
we bred to be pets.
Hopefully that doesn't
freak you out too much.
Oh! Nope. I've seen a lot of stuff.
Good, because it would be weird
if you were offended by it
since you had pets first.
Is there anything else
we could visit or talk about?
Yes. Good. Good. Of course.
BooBoo, push the Sniff Conference.
I've got a lot to show my old friend.
That's the college of New Dog City.
And there is our mech-suit warehouse.
We've updated your grandpa's designs.
Cool!
I know you're probably distracted
by the mups.
Sadly, they're all I can see now.
Okay, maybe we should
just chill at your place.
You know? Chill? Hang?
Water bowl, sir?
It is our finest hose water.
Oh! It's shaped
like a little dog bowl.
That's fun.
Yes, this is good.
We will hang by the pool
and reminisce about old times.
No politics.
- We got company!
- Goddamn it!
- Take, take!
- Jesus Christ!
- Take, take, take!
- Take, take, take!
You said we could keep them out!
We're trying, sir!
The Mancors, they're adapting!
So we adapt harder, General.
You're making my friend
uncomfortable.
Okay.
Morty, I think you're getting
the wrong impression.
You're seeing a lot
of physical deformity
and selective breeding,
and your mind is going
to all kinds of places.
I mean, it's more that
Titus, take Morty
to the mup facility?
Show him how loved they are.
Hey, buddy!
Okay. You don't have to crouch.
Wow, and it says here
under Other Experience,
"jumped dimensions."
What was that like?
Well, you see some things, Bob,
but at the end of the day,
you realize we're all
pretty much the same.
That's the kind of experience
I want to bring to the team.
Incredible.
So can I ask?
Any big fish
you're trying to take down?
Well, Jerry, I don't normally
talk clients during interviews,
but, God, I'm just loving
this laid-back attitude!
Nipslip Vodka.
If we can convince them to hire us,
we'd double our revenue.
I mean, it's right there, Bob.
It's screaming at ya.
What? I don't see it.
Drink.
Yes. Yes! I love it!
I love it! So simple. So great!
- Mm. These things come to me.
- Hey. You free tonight?
We're having dinner with their CEO.
They need to hear this, Jerry,
and they need to hear it
from someone as confident as you.
It's Friday, Friday,
gotta get down on Friday
- Honey, I'm home.
- Jerry?
Prospects are good.
Meeting the client for dinner.
Oh. That's great.
Why did you park on the lawn?
Jesus. How many of these
did you take?
The first worm helped,
so I took a couple more. No biggie.
What's up? Jerry OD on worms?
I told him to take one!
Holy shit!
Jerry, you are teeming!
I guess you had enough anxiety
to fuel a worm breeding frenzy.
That's a bad thing, right?
It's a new thing.
I gotta admit, I don't know much
about the worm business.
I'm sure my worm dealer has a fix.
J-Man's gonna pass on all this.
Honey, you're teeming!
Alright. But let's wrap this quick.
Big night ahead.
No more giving Jerry drugs.
Loud and clear.
You like that?
We call it a mup-a-cino!
Creamy!
Biscuit, this is
Emperor Snowball's "Morty."
As you can see, Morty,
it's all totally fine.
I'm kind of getting the impression
that you're all sort of
ashamed of this stuff.
- Ashamed?
- He seems unconvinced.
I'll play the video.
And thanks to new breakthroughs
in cruelty-free mup technology,
you can further customize
your new best friend
with our drag-and-drop display.
And the mups like it!
Non-genetic modifications
can also be made
once your mup is born,
and once the stitch is healed,
your new friend
is ready to join the family.
Super normal!
And if you think it's weird,
you're weird.
Brought you a friend!
That's a happy wheeze!
Aww. He thinks they're inside the TV.
Play him the video again!
Morty?
Oh. Hey. Hey, pal.
Glad I caught you, actually.
I'm just gonna take off.
Got some homework I forgot about.
- Great seeing you, though.
- Right.
- So you're going to cancel me?
- What? No.
So you're not gonna run
and tell your grandfather
I'm doing eugenics?
You're projecting
so much specific shit onto me!
You think I'm racist.
Listen, I came here as your friend.
That's how I wanna leave.
Okay. Just had a lot planned.
Didn't even get to see
our giant sprinkler.
Next time. Okay?
Okay.
Please don't try to kill me.
Please don't try to kill me.
Please don't try to kill me.
- Oh!
- Shit!
Aw, damn it!
- Oh, God!
- On the ground! Down! Down!
Get out of the road, you dumb mup!
Oh. No.
Oh, fuck me!
- Take, take, take!
- Take, take, take!
Wait! Maybe they can't see us
if we don't move!
Never mind! Run!
Take-take?
Oh, please don't take me
to join some kind of rebellion.
Yah. Take-take.
Aww, man!
Hello? Sweet Marie?
Brought the whole family, huh?
- We're cool.
As you can see,
my idiot kinda-husband
took too many Flaxar worms,
and they are now
reproducing inside him.
Cha-ching! You want to go 60/40?
We're trying to fix him,
not get into the worm business.
Well, hold on. Who's getting that 60?
Dad, we are not letting this woman
harvest Jerry for worms!
Marie? You texted "Come in"
and then a gun emoji?
Goddamn it, Dad!
Good dealers don't grow on trees!
Infinite multiverse, sweetie.
There are trees that do that.
Shit, Jerry!
Hmm. We better find him fast.
If the worms hit a tipping point
on Jerry's anxiety,
they'll start using him to feed
on other people's worry.
- He's going to feed
on creating discomfort.
- Oh, boy.
- He'll be great at it.
Jerry's tracker disappeared here.
The worms must have eaten it.
Those things impress me
more and more by the minute.
They're a gold mine. Hold on.
Surprise improv on the subway!
Hey, want to jump in, sir?
We could play aging rock stars, luv.
Shall we get
cream-crackered-knackered?
Taking him to that improv class
was a mistake.
Why wouldn't that be
worry-worm heaven?
'Cause Jerry loves it.
No, these things
must be trying to max out
Jerry's anxiety specifically.
Where could he go to create
the most discomfort
for everyone involved?
- His client dinner!
- Client dinner?
Right. Why he did the worms
in the first place.
Do I have long COVID?
- Take, take, take!
- Take, take, take!
- Take, take, take!
- Take, take, take!
- Take, take, take!
- Take, take, take!
Oh. Cool. You have a leader already.
You don't need me
as your Dances for Wolves.
With Wolves? I haven't seen it.
Ha! That's sidelines talk.
You clearly don't understand
what we're up against.
The dogs have a breeding program
in the city.
They raised us in cages!
Our bodies were twisted then ripped
from our mothers!
I probably know some of this.
They made me watch the mup video.
Three times.
"Mup" is the language
of the oppressor!
You're still trapped
in their way of thinking!
Again, just getting out
in front of this,
I'm not looking to get caught up
in all the colonization,
eugenics, hierarchies.
Above my pay grade.
Humans kind of started this cycle
a billion years ago.
You don't want me involved.
So this is your fault?
Not directly enough
that I need to fix it.
I just come from a world
where the humans are in charge
and we did this to dogs.
He will help us!
I didn't say that!
Dogs!
- Scared! Scared!
- Scared! Scared!
- Search everywhere!
- Do you have eyes on Morty?
- Not yet.
- Find him.
He said we were asshole,
racist piece-of-shit bigots!
You fucking leatherskins!
human boy.
Just to clarify,
I killed that dog guy
'cause I'm pissed at Snowball,
not because of your conflict.
- Take, take, take!
- Take, take, take!
- Take, take, take!
- Take, take, take!
Yes, General? Ah! Morty!
I heard there was a car crash.
Where are you? I can come get you.
I'm coming for you, Snowball!
You asshole,
racist piece-of-shit bigot!
I knew it!
Okay. The main gate is here.
Guest house is here.
Remember, Snowball is mine.
And, again, just so happens
both our agendas
involve storming the palace.
Not your leader.
No. Just stop winking at me!
Don't wink at each other, either!
I mean it! I'm not a Christ figure!
Mancors ready.
Good. Let's just get in there.
he's been a bad dog.
Sir, how can I help you?
Jerry! Man, am I glad to see you!
Is your skin moving?
Yeah.
Jerry, this is Carl. Carl Nipslip.
Carl, I just gotta tell you,
you're fucking bald.
And I hate bald dudes.
I love this guy!
I hear you're nervous
about working with us, Carl.
I used to feel nervous.
Now I literally eat fear.
Let's have a drink,
you fucking pussy.
Three martinis.
I already ordered for us.
Wow. Yeah.
Oh my God.
That was what I wanted!
How'd you know?!
'Cause you're a drunk.
And I know what you want.
I know what customers want.
They want to be told what they want.
Frankly, I'd sign
the paperwork right now.
I would definitely.
You need to meet the board
in New York.
Take me there.
Jerry! What are you doing?!
And why'd you tell me
to bring my pregnant wife?!
I was supposed to get an epidural!
I induced your labor
with that barrel roll.
Now I'm going to deliver your baby.
Just like I'll deliver visibility
to Nipslip Vodka.
That company is your baby, Carl.
I understand you.
Incredible!
We're in freefall! I can't fix it!
Good. What's your name?
- Ellen.
- It's time to push, Ellen.
We're gonna crash
while you create life.
Blood. Fear. Darwinism.
I think I want to be your wife.
Me too!
I'll name her Jerry.
Get her a stock portfolio.
She entered the jungle today.
The grind never stops.
You are all my wife now!
Come on! We have to keep moving!
Help! Help!
My God. An entire army.
Right under our feet.
Free them all!
- Take, take, take!
- Take, take, take!
Oh. I thought they'd be more helpful.
City living.
Yeah, these guys do not get guns!
Flee!
To the palace!
They're using
our own suits against us!
They tried putting mups in them!
Where is he?
Where is Morty?!
Snowball!
Little Morty! You're all worked up!
Does someone need a nap?
Morty. My old master.
Have you come to swat me
with a newspaper?
We were best friends, Snowball!
You tried to have me killed!
How could I trust you, Morty?!
You recoil at my civilization.
You attempt to leave?
How much more avoidant
could I have been?!
Typical human.
Afraid to bark what you truly feel!
Typical canine. Full of shame
but still shitting on the carpet!
This world is not your carpet!
I've been saying that!
I just came here to spend
some time with my dog!
There it is, then.
The truth. "Your" dog.
We could never be equals.
You cursed me with intelligence.
You sent me to this nightmare planet
with weird, ironic humanoids.
Was I your dog then, Morty?
You're right!
But you're my dog now.
Dogs! Help!
Everyone stop! Or the emperor dies!
Oh. Okay, okay. Good.
Well, was kind of
didn't really have
a solution ready to go.
Wasn't even gonna kill Snowball.
I was bluffin'.
Just need someone
to take me home now.
Leader?
No. Again,
not setting up a government
or ushering a new age
Then war!
What? Wait. No!
Morty! My panic room!
Jerry! You're crazy!
I haven't enjoyed a pitch
this much since the '70s
when they pitched me cocaine!
You can't buy nights like this, Carl,
with Nipslip Vodka.
Hold the baby.
My life is yours.
Kill me if you want to.
Do it! Please!
Not here.
There.
Jerry, your clothes.
True advertising is uncensored.
Be uncensored with me, Carl.
Oh, I love it! I love it! I love you!
I hope this doesn't trigger
any pitch-killing insecurities
about the way I look naked.
Consume me.
Let me take communion from your body.
I love you!
Holy shit! He's worming out!
- How do we save him?
- Save him? He's perfect!
- He's hired!
- Screw the board!
He's got the account!
I'm hired? I did it?
No! No! Too much relief!
The worms need more!
What's happening? Why are
the worms wriggling toward us?
I'm not that scared.
Oh, wait. Are you afraid
of Jerry getting a job?
I don't know.
I'm used to him being around.
He's part of the wallpaper.
- Grab the incidentals!
- Whoa!
Cool bubble.
You need help marketing that?
Only if you put Jerry on it.
Done.
Oh, just make sure there's enough
of him to go around, huh?
Jerry, you start on Monday.
Congrats, hon!
Sweet Marie would have loved this.
Who?
Is there something wrong with dogs?
I was just trying to be like you.
I'm so ashamed, Morty.
Oh, Snowball!
Humans are ashamed all the time.
You guys used to be wolves.
Humans, we used to be sub-hyena.
I think we invented shame
and judgment to cope.
I suppose no creature is perfect.
Yeah, if we put giraffes in charge,
they'd just invent, you know,
neck racism, probably.
They do have those necks, don't they?
Yeah.
Maybe our species
can be self-conscious together.
Rick? I can explain.
- Easy, buddy.
- Whoa. What happened here?
Four days of civil war.
I never took a moral stance, though,
I resisted at every turn.
You would have been so proud of me!
- Really?
- Couldn't pin me down to nothing.
Totally sidelined it.
Good boy.
So, should we just leave it
I feel bad for Snowball.
He built a monorail,
and now it's all blown up,
and everyone's dying.
Dogs and worms, baby.
I guess every conflict
can be solved with free narcotics.
What a lesson.
Oh, hey. What happened with Dad?
Did he get that job?
Advertising people are perverts.
- So, no?
- Yes.
Alright!
So it's all hands on deck this week.
Jerry! We're throwing darts
at the interns!
- Get in here!
- Yes, sir!
Boy, I really set
a weird bar for myself.
Sorry. I gotta wrap this up.
But I wish every client
was as chill as you guys.
I love working on this account.
You're the man, Jerry.
- This guy. Sell anything.
- Glug! Ugg!
Did you get any of that?