Rick and Morty (2013) s09e09 Episode Script

1
Mr. and Mrs. Smith,
thank you for taking time off work
to come in.
So, what's this about,
Principal Vagina?
Yeah, what is this about?
You're not a leaner.
You don't have that in you.
Go sit at your desk like
the outer city principal you are.
Morty! Summer! Stop.
Their latest offense had students
packing their gums with this.
This growth gives users
perfect memories.
And there's no light way to put this,
the student body now do nothing
but relive
their intimate achievements.
Yes, more! More canola oil!
Add to that Morty replacing himself
with ninja clones,
Summer making toilets chant
your weight when you sit,
and this is their third
sci-fi strike this semester.
Morty and Summer
are officially expelled.
Expelled? Can't you just
suspend them with pay?
What has gotten into you two?
You're unrecognizable lately!
Mom gets red when she's angry.
Do we have any canola oil?
Add muting adults to the list.
So I wasn't having
a mental breakdown. Phew!
Quit summoning me like this.
People are gonna think I'm a genie.
Dad, the kids just got expelled
for being high-concept assholes.
Turning people into carrots
won't help you beat
the genie allegations.
I won't dignify that
with a response, Jerry,
but I will make you a carrot
at some point.
Too much. Too much!
My bones were my skin
and my organs were frozen
in the orange marrow
my blood became.
- Oh, dear.
- Kids aren't expelled.
They aren't expelled!
A! All As! Every class!
Dad, this is why they're so spoiled.
You bail them out
before they ever learn a lesson.
Yeah, you turned out
so awesome without him.
Don't give Rick that much credit,
he's not bailing us out,
he's being a lazy piece of shit.
The fuck you just say?
Little bitch ninja-logged me.
- See?
- Okay, you win.
I heard about this
sleepaway camp off-world
that rich people ship
their spoiled kids to.
You're sending them away?
Shouldn't you be
handling it yourself?
This is me handling it.
You want me to find a switch?
Bend 'em over?
- Give 'em the ol' hot seat?
- I know you're being sarcastic,
but I don't like the excitement
in your voice.
- Good.
- Oh, whatever.
Keep turning your problems
into carrots.
Beth!
Pack your shit.
This is bullshit.
How else are we supposed to treat
our normie-ass classmates?
We're literally in space right now.
Yeah, why do we get punished
for being better than everyone?
Because you aren't. I am.
You two are remora,
too fucking spoiled to know
you're mooching off a shark.
Ugh! Whatever, bro.
Me and Summer have grown so much
we arced onto the same page.
But I guess we haven't grown
as much as your fucking bald spot.
Yeah, you dumb bitch!
- It's pickleball-sized now.
- Oh, wow. Wow!
Look at Beyoncé,
rolling up the partition.
Did I make the cover?
I can't believe you wanted to,
you fucking loser.
- Goddamn it!
- His thirsty ass picked up
on the first ring.
- What are you doing?
- Reminding you who the shark is.
Oh! Thank God. It's… over.
If you thought that dial was bad,
check out this button.
- On your feet, maggots! Let's go!
- Move! Move! Move! Move!
Listen, whatever this is,
I can't dig holes all summer.
I have gentle hands,
piano player's hands!
Well, put those hands to work…
- Doin' whatever the fuck you want!
- …doin' whatever the fuck you want!
So, just to be clear…
The kids took over the camp.
Oh. Good?
- You feel that?
- The AC?
Beth, you know if it's over
65 degrees, I get hives.
No. This is the first time we've had
the house to ourselves since…
I know she keeps drugs in here.
She's 17 and hangs out with my dad.
Ooh, I think I found some.
Oh, thank God. I mean, oh no.
Not sure what goes in what orifice.
This looks familiar enough.
Still got it.
Do you feel anything?
I mean…
I'm feeling…
Great.
We should steal a car!
Beth? Future carrot?
I dropped off the little freaks.
You two wanna grab a drink?
We… we are…
We aren't home!
What? Oh! Beth, gross.
Just don't reply next time.
How'd Summer get drugs from Japan?
What even is this stuff?
Oh man, we totally had you guys.
It's not a real camp anymore.
We campers overthrew
the counselors years ago.
- Years ago.
- Yeah, you goofy hoes!
We run this shit now.
Anything you want, we got.
Anything you wanna do, you do.
Can I fire a bazooka on a skateboard?
Come on, you know the answer.
Oh my God, I'm gonna do it.
So what happened to the counselors?
Murdered 'em.
- Fuck.
- Oh God.
That's where we dump our lame.
Pretty sick, right?
Sickly… awesome.
Let's give 'em a tour.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
- Is he okay?
- Oh God. Who gives a shit?
That's the amphitheater.
Great place to get fucked.
That's the archery range.
Perfect place to get fucked.
That's the cafeteria.
- Super awesome place…
- We get it.
But where does everything else,
like, come from?
A bunch of us have trust funds,
so we just DoorDash anything we want.
Greek food incoming.
And… no tip.
What? I didn't see him make it.
Excuse me, Edward Merlot Hands
coming through.
Look, you're the first kids
to show up here in ages.
- So…
- Do you two solemnly swear
to dedicate your life to the party?
- Whoop-whoop!
- Yeah!
I'm gonna party 'til my face
fucking melts off!
Well, I guess
being high forever isn't all bad.
I'll lose my job
and try to understand
Jackson Pollock paintings.
It was a visualization of suicide.
Aw, it totally was.
You ruined it!
Are we really gonna be high forever?
Can we Google this?
We can Google anything.
Oh, Jer Bear, look!
They have some version of Narcan
at a pharmacy
the next solar system over.
How are we supposed to get there?
My dad has a way to hail
space cabs in the garage.
- Come on.
- How's this not needing him?
'Cause we're doing it
behind his back.
How do these work again?
Like this. Watch.
Oh, wow.
Oh, that's way easier!
You can't back out of this deal.
I got a pallet full
of people-sized carrots.
Not your problem?
Oh, it's about to be.
If we make irregular rhythms,
he can't hear us under there.
He's your dad,
not the god of Arrakis.
All right, Zarz Dinnarz will be here
in what I'm guessing
is three minutes…
Oh, that was seconds.
Hey! For Rick?
You may enter me.
Okay.
Please sit still.
I have taken a form
your butts desire.
Oh my God! This is the exact limo
we took to prom.
Those can't be real pretzels?
Oh, isn't this amazing?
It's like we're hanging out
as kids again.
Oh, everything's slick like a womb.
Oh, I need to get baby-sized.
If I'm born, I'll rip my mother
from crack to crack!
Everything okay back there?
Do you have an umbilical cord?
What? Are you people high?
Oh, we shouldn't
have done this, Beth.
We're too old to be this high.
Oh, sweetie, I'm right here with you.
You're safe. We're safe.
Wow.
It's like prom night all over again.
You found the right hole eventually.
Where's the moonroof?
I need to tell the universe
that Beth Sanchez is the best thing
that's ever happened to me!
- Aw, Jer.
- What? Please remain seated.
But how will the cosmos
know how I feel?
No, no, no, no, no, no!
My dermis!
Oh my God!
Thank you for choosing Zarz Dinnarz.
Oh my gosh, is he dying?
No, I'm just tired.
I've been doing a lot
of airport runs at night.
Bitch, move.
These assholes have way more stamina
for being assholes.
Boys… Margo's gonna blow!
Oh, look at that, a fart baby!
What the fuck?!
- Oh my God.
- False alarm. Just another baby.
Get that fart baby a beer!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Is that kid gonna be okay?
Fart Baby? Yeah, man.
He will be if he parties.
- Fart Baby party!
- Dude, this has gotten out of hand.
Yeah, we gotta bounce before
we turn into even bigger assholes.
What's this talk about leavin'?
Yeah, we're having
a good time, right?
Kind of feels like
we aren't free to go.
- Isn't that technically a rule?
- Nah, man.
Besides, all that's out there
is that shitty-ass town.
- We just need to call our grandpa.
- No phone calls.
Okay. I'm sorry,
but see, that's two rules.
Fuck that shit.
You guys took an oath to rage,
and now you want to skip out on one?
Yeah, I'm starting to get a real
lame vibe from these two.
And you saw the dead pile
of lame people, right?
Oh, now look what you did.
Fart Baby's crying.
It's okay, Fart Baby.
They're not going anywhere.
They're gonna rage.
Oh, no, no. We're cool.
Then prove it.
I wish we hadn't given beer
to that baby.
Oh, Beth, I had the strangest dream
we got high forever.
Yeah, this makes a lot more sense.
Honey, how long have we been here?
Couple days? Couple weeks?
This store planet
has an artificial sky.
Jerry, look!
Damn it!
It's in jail with the deodorant.
Paging associate. Please wait.
Okay, he's on his way.
Paging associate. Please wait.
Paging associate. Please wait.
Because he was
a bus ride away. Right.
The whole planet is a mall.
- Paging associate. Please wait.
- I hope he gets here soon.
- Oh my God.
- Oh.
- He's at an airport.
- Paging associate. Please wait.
- Connecting flight?!
- I can't take this anymore!
Hey, stop right there!
- Oh!
- Yes!
Did it work?
Are we un-high?
We have too few hearts, Jerry.
Too few hearts!
- Beth, I called Rick.
- What?!
You have a cosmic
safety net for a dad.
Embrace it.
Well, that makes me feel like a baby.
It's okay to be a baby sometimes.
I've been a baby our entire marriage.
But we should all get a turn.
Well…
Well, I did have fun.
Me too.
Oh, now I'm invited to hang.
Oh, everyone wants Grandpa's help,
but nobody wants Grandpa.
If we had a car,
I'd roll the windows up.
Bars have phones, right?
Well, woo!
Look who came down the mountain
to grace us with their presence.
I didn't think you camp assholes
ever left your bubble.
Who gives a shit, lady?
This may be a literal
matter of life and death.
Can we phone our grandfather?
Did not hear a "please."
- Bitch, oh my God!
- Fine, please!
"Bitch"? Excuse me?
I don't think you can reclaim words,
so I don't appreciate that. One call.
Oh my God, thank you so much.
- What's his number?
- Twelve.
Twelve? That's a phone number?
Grandpa Rick,
you need to come get us!
The campers killed the guards
and counselors,
and now they're living it up by
themselves and won't let us leave,
and I know it seems like
we've learned nothing
but we're done
being spoiled assholes.
Here's the thing.
Rick? Hello?
Bye.
Okay, what the fuck?
Couldn't help but hear
there's a load of rich kids
up at that camp
completely unsupervised.
Oh, not sure if there's a reason
everyone needs to know that.
Oh, there is.
It's visiting day.
For our guns.
Am I high or are the kids in danger?
Both.
We're being punished by the universe.
Beth, slap me. It'll sober me up.
Ow! Ow!
Did you see how I went up
and back down?
Dad, we need to save
the kids in a way
where they think we're not fuckups
they can just blow off.
Okay, okay, just give me a sec.
- Dad!
- Am I not standing yet?
Why are you so dense?
Carry the two…
All right. All right.
Kids, ho!
Ow. Did it work?
Are you Rick?
Yes.
The same Rick
we just pushed through?
Oh God.
Is this where the kids are?
I'm too fuckin' high for this.
We pushed you through…
and you came out.
Do you feel different?
I don't know.
Do I?
Okey dokey, artichokey.
It's ransom time.
We googled your parents,
and I gotta tell you something,
you kids are some real
silver spoon fucks.
Except for you two,
you two aren't rich at all.
- Ouch.
- Hurtful.
What'll be "hurtful"
is if we don't get our money!
So you better pray
Mommy and Daddy pick up the phone.
Yeah? Let's hit it, boys.
We're screwed!
Someone's folks will pay up,
and we'll be out of here in no time.
You don't know that.
All of our parents left us here
'cause we're spoiled pieces of shit.
Maybe they aren't ever coming back.
Oh, thank Christ.
It's different.
Wow, it is.
Hey, Morty! You're here.
Rick, get us out of this nightmare.
Sure thing, Morty.
Morty.
Morty.
- I like that.
- What the…
Quit messing around.
Where's the portal gun?
I think I… I think I left it
in the shopping cart.
- What?
- Did you guys smoke
my High Forever?
Look at me. Look at me.
You can't get angry, Summer.
I gave it to you. Probably.
- Oh my God!
- Wow. They're out of their gourds.
We are zooted.
This is why we've been acting out.
Because we have absolute psychos
as role models.
You guys are bad parents.
Boo!
This version of everyone's mean.
You know what? That man over there
is the smartest man in the universe,
and he always bails us out.
But he ain't bailing out shit
right now.
We need to save ourselves.
Now put that affluenza to good use
and be the campers
who took over this camp.
Great speech, Summer.
You think so?
I tried to keep it tight.
No, no. It felt good. I'm fired up.
If we could just get
to the archery shed.
We just need a distraction.
Can't believe these kids
had access to bidets
and didn't think to use them.
I really hate standing guard.
I want to get back
to powerwashing my asshole.
Huh?
Look, pal,
don't know how you got here,
but you are clearly lost.
Fuckin' die, you stupid bitch.
Jesus Christ! He's so high
he's walkin' through people!
Goddamn,
maybe I could have just yelled
"Over there!" or something?
Let's take back this camp… again.
Headshot!
Rad.
Jesus! I'm saying
I have captured your child.
Be more worried!
Oh, that's good to hear he's still
having a nice time at camp.
Hello? Oh my… They… Click?
Click? I'll click you!
That motherfucker hung up.
Do not just stand there. Get him!
Oh God! I'm only one guy.
I already got hit with an arrow!
Why is this so triumphant?
- Mom!
- Mom!
Put the bows down slowly.
Jerry, tell me you see that.
Oh, look, there's more over there.
What's going on? What are they doing?
Ow!
Damn it. "Look over there"
would have worked.
All right, all right! Dial it down.
I'm surrendering.
I know when I'm beat.
Fuckin' A right. See ya.
Whoa, guys! We won!
Jesus, these rich kids are nutballs.
See what I mean? We're the same.
I wouldn't go that far.
Won't he drown?
Nah, he'll be fine.
Might even sober him up.
Dad, I want you to meet Fart Baby.
It only drinks beer.
Thanks for coming
to pick us up, Space Mom.
Yeah, yeah. No problem.
Let's get out of this camp
that didn't work at all.
Is that Bill fucking Pullman?
Maybe this was good for all of us.
Maybe it will chill us all out.
Shut up. Don't tell
your parents how to parent.
I want Del Taco now!
How long does this high even last?
- Forever!
- That's just the name, Mom.
Should be normal… in a few days.
Summer, did they take that stuff
I gave you for a rainy day?
Why don't you fuck us anymore?
Yeah! We had a good thing going.
Del Taco!
The one Dawn works at.
- Fucking throuple us.
- Come on.
We're gonna see Dawn!
This ride is all
the scared straight we need.
Kids these days love two things:
the latest trends
and animals selling vices.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you "Cool Horse."
Just fucking do it already!
The horse does seem cool.
Did you get any of that?