Rick and Morty (2013) s09e10 Episode Script

1
Oh, Rick…
You were right, Morty.
Chili… was too… spicy.
Estate sale is open!
Get your Post-its out.
First come, first serve.
If you see a Post-it,
the item has already been claimed.
- Oh, yeah.
- Alright.
Hey, nice office chair.
Hatchi-matchi.
Pretty ghoulish, don't you think?
We just get to take anything we want?
Morty, they're dead. You wanna be
buried with your porn magazines?
Magazines?
What's a "magazines," old man?
Fuck you, Morty.
Go practice your pronouns.
Whoa! An in-ground
two-post vehicle lift?
You could park a motorcycle
on this bad boy
and rotate it any which way.
- I put my Post-it on it first.
- Stop!
- No, no, I did!
- I come from a water planet.
- I should get the snorkel.
- If you're from a water planet,
why do you need a snorkel?
These estate sales
are lame AF, am I right?
- Yeah.
- I came to funeral hop,
but there aren't any Smiths left
to hold a funeral.
Wait, funeral hop?
Oh, shit. You gotta try it, dude.
Some version of your mom,
your dad, bawling their eyes out
and saying the nicest shit
you've ever heard.
But can't happen
when the whole family
checks out at the same time.
Your Rick brings you
to your own funerals?
Nah, dawg, I drive myself.
- Whoa.
- You don't got a Portal Jr.?
Shit. Bunch of us have one.
Let's see, I bet…
Bam. Pop a Post-it on that bad boy
before someone else does.
Thanks. And cool sunglasses.
Sunglasses?
These are my eyes.
Rick, you ever gone
to your own funeral?
Is that new slang for taking a dump?
- What? No.
- Well, I'm gonna start using it.
Look, a Morty at the estate sale
was a funeral hopper, and…
You can do better
than getting emotional hand jobs
from a fake family.
My real family is dead.
Wow, what a zing. So is mine.
The only thing that helps ease
the horror of existence
is friction-free rotation.
Did you buy a motorcycle
to justify the platform?
Morty, it turns.
Come on, man,
I'm asking for guidance.
Do whatever you want.
It's your funeral.
Thank you.
Big Legs Morty loved Ritchie Valens.
And now his Big Legs Grandfather
is gonna say a few words.
What?! Let me grieve!
You've been drunk all week.
Maybe if you had been sober,
you wouldn't have microwaved him.
His big legs were wet!
I should have guessed.
Wait! Big Legs Morty,
I should have done this
when you were alive.
Oh, hell yeah!
Well, I guess this is gonna be hard,
but Mort loved to do hard things.
So… we're gonna do this for him.
How many of you here loved my son?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
- I asked…
how many of you here loved my son?!
Morty was my dawg!
Maybe you loved him
because he was a leader,
a scholar, an athlete.
I loved him because he was mine.
Because he was my son.
We love you, Mort!
Mort! Mort! Mort! Mort!
When I die, I will kill God
for taking my boy!
I don't approve of your promise,
but I understand.
Who will be there for me
now that you're gone?
- Chesterfield?
- Oh, oh! No, no, no, no, no, no!
Oh! Stop! Stop!
Mort?
Oh no.
You guys have never seen
another Morty before.
Does that make sense?
Shortest version is,
infinite mes, infinite yous.
You want a grilled cheese?
I want to make it for him.
And this thing?
It's how I got here.
Rick made it for me.
Not my Rick. It's a lot of canon.
Where is Rick?
I'm sorry to tell you this, but…
our Rick…
is a drunk, Morty.
Oh… no.
We had to end
our relationship with him.
We tried everything to help,
but ultimately,
he needed to help himself.
And he, like, listened?
This universe is wild.
Just the way you like it.
Wow! So good.
Don't suppose
there's any tomato soup.
Holy shit!
You guys are something else.
You should have met our Mort.
Ray, like it or not,
the bank's gonna take your farm.
They will come, Ray.
Huh? Oh my gosh.
My family's probably worried.
- My other family.
- You're leaving?
Summer, he's not ours to keep.
I understand, Mort.
I mean, Morty.
Come back to us, kiddo.
Whenever you want, you come back.
Summer, stop live-streaming!
Where have you been? I've needed you
to hand me wrenches and stuff.
Check this out.
Wow, great.
Huh? Ah! Oh, Rick!
It's pulling my insides!
You have too much metal
in you, dipshit.
- I didn't put it there.
- So?
- Oh, hey!
- Hey!
Morty, you came back!
Oh, geez. Good boy.
That's a dog for ya.
My dog enslaved me,
but not this one.
So I'm hanging out of the side
of the ship in space,
holding the guitar that Rick wanted,
but my eyes burst
from the pressure difference
and I couldn't see
for, like, an hour.
Oh, Morty,
you could have been killed.
Oh, yeah, I was.
You died? You die, and come back?
The worst part
is waking up in the tube,
where the fresh body is
'cause you have to cough
all that fluid out of your lungs.
You're saying where you come from,
your grandfather lets you die
over and over again?
What does your father say about this?
Who's a Mad Men?
I'm a Mad Men
Oh my God! I made an owl.
This is incredible!
Too bad my big lathe
is up at the cabin.
Built it with my dad.
Then Mort helped me put up
the sleeping porch just last summer.
Wish we could take you there
this weekend,
but the gals are gonna be
at the soup kitchen and…
I mean, we could head up there,
just the two of us?
Really? You'd want to do that?
Don't you have any matches?
A man who relies on matches
gets pretty cold when he runs out.
You feel like a steak?
Wait till the pan releases the meat.
I feel like I've never learned
anything until now.
And Mort, he's climbing so fast.
When he loses his footing,
he's just silent as he falls
until the crack of his body
hitting stone.
Mort was so strong,
but I wasn't strong enough
to save him.
I'm so sorry.
I know you're not my Mort,
not really…
but I love you just the same.
I love you, Dad.
I wanna be your son.
I am your son.
Then break the gun.
- What?
- This isn't one of your adventures.
It can be your life.
- But what if I need to…
- What could you need that isn't here?
A family that doesn't appreciate you?
A resurrection machine
that makes infinite grandpas?
You need to turn
into a fucking giraffe?
Do it!
Hey!
- Oh my God!
- Yes! I love you!
I tried to make my son strong.
So strong he would never die!
I just wanna keep you safe!
Mort? Mort.
Mort?
Mort!
Come back.
Dad wants me to free solo El Capitan.
He's crazy.
He wants me to be able
to survive anything.
My only hope's to run away.
Thank you, Mort.
And we're left
with a radical non-duality.
The universe is not locally real.
Which means nothing matters.
Or… everything does!
Moral universe, let's go!
I fucking knew it.
The Central Finite Curve,
portal travel, all of it.
Of course there's infinite Mortys
because there's
infinite worlds, Morty,
and infinite mes!
Am I cool in most worlds?
- Oh!
- Mr. Sanchez?
Oh, sorry I frighten you.
I am from Russia.
Who is hunting you?
Jerry? I don't know.
Maybe all of them?
I just wanna go home.
I thought there was a better version
of my family for me, but I was wrong.
Do you think you could make this?
Oh, Morty, I would love to help you,
but that thing almost destroyed me.
Salieri to infinite Mozarts.
Do you guys not have Mozart?
Oh, Morty, we gotta watch Amadeus.
Shit. I'm late. I gotta do a thing.
Do you wanna come with me?
Hey. Hey, everybody.
My name's Rick. I'm an alcoholic.
- Hi, Rick.
- Hi, Rick.
I know this is an old story
to a lot of you,
but most of us have destroyed
our memories with alcohol,
so it'll be like new.
Back before, I had a wife,
I had a family.
My daughter, Beth, she was a terror,
but she was my heart, my whole heart.
I'd always like to get wrecked
every now and again,
but Diane kept it under control.
And then one day,
she was just… gone.
I was so deep in my work,
I barely noticed.
And that's when…
You know how that feels
when you really start to drink?
- Oh yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Beth was so little.
I blew it with her.
She grew up though, and married
somebody who took one look at me
and said, "Not in my house."
Fuck, I hate that guy.
But he was right.
I hated him enough to end up here.
My first meeting was 17 years ago.
Seventeen years since I spoke
to my daughter.
But I'm here and I'm happy.
That's possible for all of us.
You just have to find somebody
who believes in you.
My students were assholes today,
so I'm cooking stew.
Oh, hello.
Who's this handsome fellow?
You might wanna sit down.
Oh, Rick.
He has your eyes.
So you must go home,
and you must find a way
to get him there.
It's not that simple.
But you are a good man,
so maybe it is simple.
Morty, will you have more stew?
Yes, please.
My love, don't forget.
- Wow, she's…
- She's incredible.
So she's a fuckbot?
Jesus Christ, Morty, she's my wife!
- She's a human woman.
- Oh, geez.
I guess I didn't realize
you could love anything. My bad.
Have you seen this boy?
Ah, we see a lot of people
through here.
One time, I saw a horse buy a ticket.
Some kind of promotion
for a kind of horse food.
Don't know about that, but…
Oh, you never forget a face
as sweet as that right there.
Oh, yeah.
I seen him headed to Boston.
Sure as sunlight
and right as rain, I…
Hey, where you going?
Found him.
I'm gonna love
that little guy so hard.
You okay, buddy?
He's gonna find me
and tie me to a pole
and hug me until I throw up.
I'll be trapped here forever!
I'll get you home, okay?
I'll make a portal and get you home.
Are you gonna call me
a piece of shit now?
What?
- Eh?
- Oh!
Fucking shit.
You'll get it. You've got this.
I know you're gonna get it.
If God doesn't want me
to praise him with inventions,
why implant the desire?
- Everything okay out here?
- Fuck! Just let me work.
She's gonna leave.
They all leave.
You know,
you didn't drive Diane away.
It wasn't your work or your drinking.
It just happened, everywhere.
To every Rick.
- Wha…
- It wasn't your fault.
Most Ricks never got this far
with portal stuff.
They took a shortcut.
But I believe in you.
I can feel it, Uli. I'm so close.
Yeah, close to losing another wife!
I've become tepid. I want to boil!
You can sleep on the couch.
I'm done sleeping.
This is what yours is like?
It's the only way I can get home.
Where on God's Earth
did a 14-year-old boy
learn this kind of mind poisoning?
From your husband, infinitely.
He belongs more to me than to you.
Professor Sanchez
hasn't shown up for days.
Well, he's my father,
and I'm worried about him.
We just need his address.
You don't have
your own father's address?
I was just asking a question.
You're right. It's personal.
Summer, the files.
I'm in. Also gonna approve myself
for early admission,
just in case I decide to go
to this fucking nerd school.
I'm gonna get my boy
and put him on a leash.
A leash? What's up with your family?
Oh, you're right, it's personal.
Morty. I figured it out, Morty.
Morty, come on, we're gonna…
we're gonna…
gonna get some stuff, Morty.
Rick, it's the middle of the night.
Come on, I'm working.
It's helping me think.
Do you wanna go talk to her?
Fuck that. She's…
There's a multiverse of her
out there, right, Morty?
We gotta… we gotta…
Are you gonna get in trouble?
I got tenure, Morty.
They can't fire me.
I built this place with my dick
and hammered it with my balls.
Wouldn't a dick be a better hammer?
You're right, Morty.
Balls are too soft.
Grab some… Anything.
- Grab anything.
- Mr. Sanchez. Is that…
Oh my God, Rick.
The problem is morals, Morty.
Ethics. I was scared
of the gray areas.
But now…
I can live in them.
I'm gonna get you home.
You small, little…
You little guy.
Hej då, Rick.
They told me I was crazy.
But now, now who's crazy?
- They are!
- That's right!
- Rick!
- I did it!
Oh, man. I'm gonna miss you, Rick.
I can come visit you, Morty.
We got a doorway!
And now that
I don't have a dumb wife,
I have all the time in the world.
I can go on adventures, Morty.
We! We could go on adventures.
Yeah. You're sure
I didn't ruin your life?
You saved me.
And so did this.
Because alcohol is good, Morty.
It's not evil.
Everyone should drink it.
Wait till I tell the guys at AA.
All right, off you go.
Let go of my son!
Fucking Jerry!
Morty, please don't go in there.
We didn't mean to come on so strong.
We just love you.
Honey, you can stay here
where you don't get thrown into space
and have to die all the time.
What the hell is this thing?
Have you even tested it?
You're drunk!
You're gonna let a child
go through that?
The science is sound, dick. Watch.
- He's still breathing.
- That's worse!
I've always fucking hated you!
I hate you
in every conceivable reality.
- Kill him!
- Fucking shoot!
Oh my God!
Jerry!
Oh my God!
Summer!
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!
No!
Estate sale is open!
Get your Post-its out.
First come, first serve.
If you see a Post-it,
the item has already been claimed.
Check it out, Seahorse Morty,
it's a fish gun.
This guy had some cool stuff
for a basic Rick,
and I would know because
I'm defined by my cool shorts.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Rick?
- 'Sup?
None of this stuff is any good.
Let's go home.
Damn, you look like shit.
Was the funeral that good?
Oh shit, a long-neck dog gun?
Let's fucking go!
Woof, woof, woof, woof
woof, woof, woof!
Hey. You okay?
Yeah. I love you.
All right. No need to get weird.
You're in my sun.
So the hat was not a hit today.
But maybe it will be tomorrow
Morty, Morty, Morty,
I gotta show you…
I gotta show you something, Morty.
Rick, it's the middle of the night.
I just wanna sleep.
I'll call in a bomb threat
at your school. Come on.
Hey, I took your note, Morty.
I fixed the magnets.
You ready to ride?
Let's go on a hero's journey, Morty!
- Take the wheel.
- But I'm behind you.
Take the wheel.
I'll tell you when to turn.
I'm like… I'm your dad, Morty.
I'm your fucking dad.
It's fucking me, Morty!
Yeah, you're my dad.
I'm your son.
You're my son!
DNA scans clear.
Ooh-wee!
What a season.
Amy figured out what I was up to,
and now she's gonna use my DNA
to make a multiverse waypoint…
And get my fucking husband back!
Activate fourth-dimensional
thrusters!
I assume all the shaking
is unintentional?
Oh my God!
Abort! Abort!
That's never good.
Ooh-wee!
Did you get any of that?