Robot Chicken s11e10 Episode Script
May Cause Your Dad to Come Back...
1
It's alive!
This is the worst case
of TMJ I've ever seen.
So,
what went wrong, Peppa?
What went wrong?
Every single [bleep] thing!
All right
I'm a cartoon pig
whose whole purpose in life
is to make mistakes
so kids learn from 'em.
Mistake number one
splashing around in a puddle
without first checking
me surroundings.
- You dickies soiled me monkey!
- Oh!
Get me a new one by tomorrow,
or it's your loaf of bread, pig.
There, there, Peppa.
I got a gapin'
head wound, ya nit!
Get off my knee!
- Peppa!
- Only one place
that sells that monkey
Tony Turtle's Toy Store.
£5?
We haven't got that kind
of sausage and mash.
If there's one thing I've learned
as a didactic TV pig,
it's that if we work together,
we can accomplish anything
- even armed robbery!
- "Armed robbery"?!
But, Peppa,
that's ba-a-a-ad!
- I won't be part of it.
- You're a bloody sheep!
- You'll do whatever I say.
- Okay.
Now, come on.
Let's put a crew together.
Ah, I got it.
Unfortunately, I still
had one lesson to learn
piggies always squeal.
Daddy, Peppa committed
an armed robbery.
Armed robbery, eh?
Well, Daddy, Pig
might be clumsy
and fat and forgetful,
but he knows how
to call the police
on naughty piglets.
Now, what's the number
for British 911?
Sorry, Daddy. They ain't
puttin' Peppa in a pig pen.
One gunshot, two gunshot!
Right, this was all over
a stuffed monkey, then.
Hmm.
When you put it that way,
I sound a bit of a wanker.
Kids, don't be a wanker.
- Looking fresh to death!
- Ugh! Your face!
What do you wash with,
bar soap?!
- Doesn't everybody?
- Girl, please.
- You're peeling.
- I was burned alive in a boiler room!
The same difference.
Lucky you, all I watch
are YouTube makeup tutorials!
Narrative content is dead.
It's an easy
27 1/2-step process.
Exfoliate, moisturize,
rinse, repeat, tap.
Don't rub
that's the secret.
- Exfoliate, moisturize, rinse, repeat
- This is torture!
Tap, don't rub, that's the
Beauty is pain!
- So, what do you think?
- Well, I'm terrified
by how good I look.
- Right?!
- We had so much fun!
It's really a shame
I'm going to kill you now.
Or we could do face masks!
Okay,
first the face masks,
and then I'm gonna kill you.
Um, Captain,
the trash alien is attacking,
and I think there's something
wrong with the weapons.
Your guns are locked until
you solve each math problem!
But, sir, I-I could die.
We believe a life without math
is not worth living!
Zero plus seven is seven.
Uh, two minus one equals one.
Three minus eight equals five.
I-I-I mean
I mean, negative five!
Oh no, your ship is damaged!
You'd better fix it
with math!
What?! Okay, it's, uh
Please Excuse
My Dear Aunt Sally.
[Bleep] Why didn't I take that
English job in Typing Town?!
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Ah! Ah!
Ah!
Augh! Ah-ah-ah!
Ah-ah-ah-ah!
George, you all right in there?
It's time for dinner!
Oh, my God, George!
- Headshot!
- George!
- No! Huh?!
- It had to be done.
He was getting too close
to the Avril Lavigne theory
- for his own good.
- Operation "Sk8er Boi" is complete.
- We'll need you to sign this NDA.
- Oh, okay.
Maybe adopt a real kid next time.
Window exit!
Oh, George, why?
What's this?
"Rory should have ended up
with Dean on 'Gilmore Girls'?"
[Bleep] Dean?!
Oh, George!
I raised you better than this.
Mr. President, let me just say
we are so excited
to be working with you to make
socially conscious content.
We were thinking maybe
a documentary about health care.
Or a prestige drama about a family
on the south side of Chicago.
Um, I had something else in mind.
And let me be clear
Ah, no, thanks.
"Barack Obama: Dino Destroyer"
Boom, baby.
Why you taking a nap?
Gotcha, bitch.
- That's what I do.
- He rides a raptor
- All day.
- And his raptor's name is Paul
Michelle's in it too
That's right, baby.
Oh, Barack, you know I love
watching you kill those dinos!
Ah, put those two lips on me.
Coming soon to Netflix.
Pa-pow-pow! Bam!
Barack in your face, baby.
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary,
Bloody Mary!
Bloody Mary!
Bloody Mary, hi.
You've been served.
- Oh.
- Sorry about your divorce.
Ha ha!
Believe me, I'm not.
Bloody Dan is a piece of shit,
and I've gone on record about it.
Who goes there?
I smell you,
little thief in the shadows.
I'm sorry,
great and powerful Smaug.
You must be very small,
little thief,
so small
that you could hide anywhere
behind the gold,
behind the gems,
maybe even up my butt,
perhaps.
Uh, w-why would
I hide up your butt?
When one sleeps
beneath the mountain,
one thinks of many things
the value of gold,
the age of the world,
the feel of little feet
and hands
pitter-pattering
inside this scaly folds
of your fiery prostate.
L-Look, I just came here
to steal some gold.
I'm not trying to Richard Gere you.
What? That was an urban legend.
Let's leave Richard out of this.
You know, for an adventurer,
you really don't seem
very adventurous.
- Okay, I'm just gonna go.
- Or I could go up your butt.
Hmm, um, leaving instead.
Someday, Smaug, someday.
My name is Tom Nook.
The year I turned 19
I made 49 trillion bells,
which actually
kind of pissed me off
because it was three shy
of a trillion a week.
I started in sales. My boys and I got
a commission on anything
we bought or sold,
so we bought and sold everything.
We found an island
in international waters
where the feds couldn't reach us.
Pretty soon I'd conned
people into joining us.
Once they were there,
they needed a house.
And who sold the houses?
You got it me.
Real estate was easy.
Before they knew it, some
sucker had paid two billion bells
for a five-room house full
of clothes and Bunny Day eggs.
Can you imagine?
I was married,
till I met Isabelle.
She was blond, gorgeous,
irrationally chipper.
Plus I figured she'd like it
doggy style
which she did not.
I mean,
we were into everything
you know, repackaging
subprime turnip debt,
dealing counterfeit art
through pirates,
smuggling endangered bugs.
Was it illegal? Nah.
But if you want to get rich,
you got to be an animal.
Looks like
Bethany got veneers.
Oh, that lucky bitch.
Mama! Papa!
My draft card came!
- I'm going to Vietnam!
- Oh! Dear God!
Papa, we have to send him
to Canada.
Nonsense. Fievel, America
has given us so much.
Now it is time for you
to return the favor in blood
ideally, not yours.
But give those Viet cats hell, son.
This is my "mouse-ket."
There are many like it,
but this one is mine.
Why the hell
are you crying, Mousekewitz?
Sir! I just miss my family, sir!
The Army's your family now, rodent!
- Now drop and give me 20!
- One
I've seen cancer mice
stronger than you!
Hopefully we can
defeat the enemy
so we can all go home soon.
Enemy? Look around, kid.
There's no enemy.
America is the enemy.
But America's a good country
where there are no cats.
Then why the [bleep] are we out here?
Someplace across the sea
Under the moon of cheese
Aah!
You gave up our position, asshole!
Huh? No!
Aaah!
Well, I underestimated you,
Mousekewitz.
- You're a goddamn hero.
- But, sir, I killed all those cats.
Son, you were born to kill cats.
Burn, baby!
You want a hit?
It's catnip.
Makes ya see things.
America.
America is the enemy.
Kill cats. Kill 'em!
I love watching you do it.
Hey, Fievel, I'm Don Bluth.
I created you. Neat, huh?
That's got to cause some
existential conflict.
- Holy shit.
- Incoming!
Ugh!
Fievel's awake!
My legs.
Oh, who needs legs?
We'll get you a skateboard.
- You're a hero, son.
- Where's Tanya?
- Tanya?
- Kitty killer!
Come on, Fievel.
Let's go home.
I don't know if I ever can.
Some mice are born
built to run the maze
Others go crying home to mom
I lost my way
in all those twists and turns
But I lost my dick in Vietnam
American cheese, American cheese
Might be made from old tires
American cheese,
American cheese
It never, ever expires
It's alive!
This is the worst case
of TMJ I've ever seen.
So,
what went wrong, Peppa?
What went wrong?
Every single [bleep] thing!
All right
I'm a cartoon pig
whose whole purpose in life
is to make mistakes
so kids learn from 'em.
Mistake number one
splashing around in a puddle
without first checking
me surroundings.
- You dickies soiled me monkey!
- Oh!
Get me a new one by tomorrow,
or it's your loaf of bread, pig.
There, there, Peppa.
I got a gapin'
head wound, ya nit!
Get off my knee!
- Peppa!
- Only one place
that sells that monkey
Tony Turtle's Toy Store.
£5?
We haven't got that kind
of sausage and mash.
If there's one thing I've learned
as a didactic TV pig,
it's that if we work together,
we can accomplish anything
- even armed robbery!
- "Armed robbery"?!
But, Peppa,
that's ba-a-a-ad!
- I won't be part of it.
- You're a bloody sheep!
- You'll do whatever I say.
- Okay.
Now, come on.
Let's put a crew together.
Ah, I got it.
Unfortunately, I still
had one lesson to learn
piggies always squeal.
Daddy, Peppa committed
an armed robbery.
Armed robbery, eh?
Well, Daddy, Pig
might be clumsy
and fat and forgetful,
but he knows how
to call the police
on naughty piglets.
Now, what's the number
for British 911?
Sorry, Daddy. They ain't
puttin' Peppa in a pig pen.
One gunshot, two gunshot!
Right, this was all over
a stuffed monkey, then.
Hmm.
When you put it that way,
I sound a bit of a wanker.
Kids, don't be a wanker.
- Looking fresh to death!
- Ugh! Your face!
What do you wash with,
bar soap?!
- Doesn't everybody?
- Girl, please.
- You're peeling.
- I was burned alive in a boiler room!
The same difference.
Lucky you, all I watch
are YouTube makeup tutorials!
Narrative content is dead.
It's an easy
27 1/2-step process.
Exfoliate, moisturize,
rinse, repeat, tap.
Don't rub
that's the secret.
- Exfoliate, moisturize, rinse, repeat
- This is torture!
Tap, don't rub, that's the
Beauty is pain!
- So, what do you think?
- Well, I'm terrified
by how good I look.
- Right?!
- We had so much fun!
It's really a shame
I'm going to kill you now.
Or we could do face masks!
Okay,
first the face masks,
and then I'm gonna kill you.
Um, Captain,
the trash alien is attacking,
and I think there's something
wrong with the weapons.
Your guns are locked until
you solve each math problem!
But, sir, I-I could die.
We believe a life without math
is not worth living!
Zero plus seven is seven.
Uh, two minus one equals one.
Three minus eight equals five.
I-I-I mean
I mean, negative five!
Oh no, your ship is damaged!
You'd better fix it
with math!
What?! Okay, it's, uh
Please Excuse
My Dear Aunt Sally.
[Bleep] Why didn't I take that
English job in Typing Town?!
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Ah! Ah!
Ah!
Augh! Ah-ah-ah!
Ah-ah-ah-ah!
George, you all right in there?
It's time for dinner!
Oh, my God, George!
- Headshot!
- George!
- No! Huh?!
- It had to be done.
He was getting too close
to the Avril Lavigne theory
- for his own good.
- Operation "Sk8er Boi" is complete.
- We'll need you to sign this NDA.
- Oh, okay.
Maybe adopt a real kid next time.
Window exit!
Oh, George, why?
What's this?
"Rory should have ended up
with Dean on 'Gilmore Girls'?"
[Bleep] Dean?!
Oh, George!
I raised you better than this.
Mr. President, let me just say
we are so excited
to be working with you to make
socially conscious content.
We were thinking maybe
a documentary about health care.
Or a prestige drama about a family
on the south side of Chicago.
Um, I had something else in mind.
And let me be clear
Ah, no, thanks.
"Barack Obama: Dino Destroyer"
Boom, baby.
Why you taking a nap?
Gotcha, bitch.
- That's what I do.
- He rides a raptor
- All day.
- And his raptor's name is Paul
Michelle's in it too
That's right, baby.
Oh, Barack, you know I love
watching you kill those dinos!
Ah, put those two lips on me.
Coming soon to Netflix.
Pa-pow-pow! Bam!
Barack in your face, baby.
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary,
Bloody Mary!
Bloody Mary!
Bloody Mary, hi.
You've been served.
- Oh.
- Sorry about your divorce.
Ha ha!
Believe me, I'm not.
Bloody Dan is a piece of shit,
and I've gone on record about it.
Who goes there?
I smell you,
little thief in the shadows.
I'm sorry,
great and powerful Smaug.
You must be very small,
little thief,
so small
that you could hide anywhere
behind the gold,
behind the gems,
maybe even up my butt,
perhaps.
Uh, w-why would
I hide up your butt?
When one sleeps
beneath the mountain,
one thinks of many things
the value of gold,
the age of the world,
the feel of little feet
and hands
pitter-pattering
inside this scaly folds
of your fiery prostate.
L-Look, I just came here
to steal some gold.
I'm not trying to Richard Gere you.
What? That was an urban legend.
Let's leave Richard out of this.
You know, for an adventurer,
you really don't seem
very adventurous.
- Okay, I'm just gonna go.
- Or I could go up your butt.
Hmm, um, leaving instead.
Someday, Smaug, someday.
My name is Tom Nook.
The year I turned 19
I made 49 trillion bells,
which actually
kind of pissed me off
because it was three shy
of a trillion a week.
I started in sales. My boys and I got
a commission on anything
we bought or sold,
so we bought and sold everything.
We found an island
in international waters
where the feds couldn't reach us.
Pretty soon I'd conned
people into joining us.
Once they were there,
they needed a house.
And who sold the houses?
You got it me.
Real estate was easy.
Before they knew it, some
sucker had paid two billion bells
for a five-room house full
of clothes and Bunny Day eggs.
Can you imagine?
I was married,
till I met Isabelle.
She was blond, gorgeous,
irrationally chipper.
Plus I figured she'd like it
doggy style
which she did not.
I mean,
we were into everything
you know, repackaging
subprime turnip debt,
dealing counterfeit art
through pirates,
smuggling endangered bugs.
Was it illegal? Nah.
But if you want to get rich,
you got to be an animal.
Looks like
Bethany got veneers.
Oh, that lucky bitch.
Mama! Papa!
My draft card came!
- I'm going to Vietnam!
- Oh! Dear God!
Papa, we have to send him
to Canada.
Nonsense. Fievel, America
has given us so much.
Now it is time for you
to return the favor in blood
ideally, not yours.
But give those Viet cats hell, son.
This is my "mouse-ket."
There are many like it,
but this one is mine.
Why the hell
are you crying, Mousekewitz?
Sir! I just miss my family, sir!
The Army's your family now, rodent!
- Now drop and give me 20!
- One
I've seen cancer mice
stronger than you!
Hopefully we can
defeat the enemy
so we can all go home soon.
Enemy? Look around, kid.
There's no enemy.
America is the enemy.
But America's a good country
where there are no cats.
Then why the [bleep] are we out here?
Someplace across the sea
Under the moon of cheese
Aah!
You gave up our position, asshole!
Huh? No!
Aaah!
Well, I underestimated you,
Mousekewitz.
- You're a goddamn hero.
- But, sir, I killed all those cats.
Son, you were born to kill cats.
Burn, baby!
You want a hit?
It's catnip.
Makes ya see things.
America.
America is the enemy.
Kill cats. Kill 'em!
I love watching you do it.
Hey, Fievel, I'm Don Bluth.
I created you. Neat, huh?
That's got to cause some
existential conflict.
- Holy shit.
- Incoming!
Ugh!
Fievel's awake!
My legs.
Oh, who needs legs?
We'll get you a skateboard.
- You're a hero, son.
- Where's Tanya?
- Tanya?
- Kitty killer!
Come on, Fievel.
Let's go home.
I don't know if I ever can.
Some mice are born
built to run the maze
Others go crying home to mom
I lost my way
in all those twists and turns
But I lost my dick in Vietnam
American cheese, American cheese
Might be made from old tires
American cheese,
American cheese
It never, ever expires