Bob's Burgers s15e14 Episode Script

1
[LINDA]
Tina, you got your toothbrush?
- Yup.
- You got extra socks?
- Yup.
- You got a goodbye kiss from your mom?
- No, I don't think Oh.
- Mwah. Now you do. I got you.
Okay, enjoy the deep dark woods
while we're safe inside
our cozy home.
If you get cold, find a bear,
cut it open,
sleep inside it,
sew it up in the morning,
tip your hat,
and you're on your way.
Aw, my little Tina-baneenee
going orien-teening.
It's, um, "orienteering."
- No.
- Yes, it is, Lin.
- Oh.
- More like "snore-ienteering."
Sorry, I don't actually know
what it is.
Uh, what is it?
The Thundergirls Orienteering
Overnight Trip is great.
You get to use maps
and compasses,
and there's a whole contest
and everything.
It's a trip so nice,
I've done it thrice. [CHUCKLES]
You mean because you refuse
to age out of Thundergirls?
And you're old enough to be
some of those girls' moms?
[GIRLS BLOWING RASPBERRIES]
Two-five-seven!
- Ugh.
- Well, well, well,
if it isn't the notorious
troop two-five-seven.
And there's a contest
on this trip?
- They're definitely gonna cheat, right?
- Yeah, probably.
But we came up with a plan
that I don't love.
Okay, so we know we need
to have eyes on two-five-seven
at this thing because
they're definitely gonna cheat.
They'll move markers
or something.
Or they'll move
the trees around.
Or they'll blow-dart us with
poison and we wake up in Mexico.
So we agree
one of us has to follow them,
catch them cheating
and then tattle like hell.
And hopefully not be killed
by them in the process.
So, time to find out
which unlucky S.O.B.
has to follow 'em.
Let's draw
friendship bracelet strings.
- Crap.
- [GINNY] Okay!
One frozen burrito
heated up and cut seven ways.
And again,
I'm sorry I forgot about
getting snacks for the meeting.
All right, let's eat!
So you have to follow
two-five-seven? In the woods?
- By yourself? - Oof.
- Yikes.
Tina, I've enjoyed
our time together.
Ugh, they shouldn't even
call themselves Thundergirls.
They should just leave
and start their own group called
Mean Rude People.
- Catchy.
- Yeah, but you're all Thundergirls, right?
You all poop in the woods?
I mean, there's usually bathrooms.
What? Then what are you
learning out there?
Tina! Get your Thunder-buns
on this Thunder-bus!
- Hi, Tina's mom and dad!
- Bye, family.
- Bye. - Love you, hon.
- Buh-bye.
And then there were five.
- Four.
- And then there were four.
So, should we gaslight Tina
and mismatch her socks?
- That's always fun. - [BOB] It is fun.
- [GENE] Yay!
Welcome to the Thundergirls
Orienteering Overnight Trip!
Aka Toot.
[GIRLS CHANTING]
Toot! Toot! Toot! Toot! Toot!
- Toot! Toot! Toot! Toot!
- Ugh.
Yes, it turns out
the acronym spells "TOOT."
Which is funny.
Okay, so each troop
gets one map,
one compass and one whistle
on a survival cord.
Great cords. Super strong.
Can use them for anything:
hanging bags up at camp,
making a tourniquet
so that you don't bleed out.
Yeah. Uh, right,
but we're mostly using them
to hold a whistle.
All right. As some of you know,
this is the famous
Needle Park campground,
named for the long-needle pine
that grows here,
not the other kind of needle.
But if you see any of those
kinds of needles on the ground,
don't touch them.
Just kick leaves over them.
We'll be working with
20-something acres
of thick woods
and not much else.
Which makes it perfect for orienteering.
And hiding bodies.
[CHUCKLES] Just kidding.
There's no such thing
as the Mafia.
Each troop has
their own set of coordinates.
We will give you coordinates
for your first checkpoint.
Orient your way there,
and you'll find a stone
with coordinates for your
next checkpoint painted on it.
Collect eight stones.
On the final stone,
there will be
a clue to where
the golden pine cone is hidden.
[DRAMATICALLY] Ooh!
There's only one
golden pine cone,
and it could be anywhere.
The troop that finds it
wins the competition.
Also, the golden pine cone
is spray-painted
and possibly flammable.
I mean, all pine cones
are flammable,
but this one might be
semi-explosive.
We'll all meet back here tonight
for a bonfire,
and we'll hand out badges.
[CHANTING] What's the prize?
[BLOWING RASPBERRIES]
What's the prize?
- What's the prize?
- [CHUCKLES] Okay.
This year's golden pine cone prize is
a pizza party at Family Fun Time
for your entire troop!
- [GIRLS] Yay!
- Oh, hell yeah.
Mama needs that pizza party.
Also, the landline here
seems to be down.
They had some wind last night.
And cell reception
is not happening.
So unfortunately, Meredith,
you won't be able
to call your cat later
to say good night.
- [MEREDITH] Aw.
- Yeah.
So, is everybody ready?!
Let's take a trip
to the Orient teering!
That worked better when it was just
me and Bethany trying it out.
Anyway, we should
start the thing.
Okay, Tina, troop two-five-seven
went that way.
Go quick
before they get too far.
Here, blow this when they cheat.
You're the whistleblower.
Don't worry, I sanitized it.
And then the troop leaders
will come running
- and justice will be served.
- Right.
Just don't get murdered by them
and you'll be fine.
But if you do get murdered,
try to blow your whistle first.
[TINA GROANS]
To be honest,
all the whistle websites say
you can't really sanitize a whistle.
No one should put that thing
in their mouth.
- What was that? - [JODI] Nothing.
- [JULIE] Hurry, Tina.
Guys, I'm telling you, I'm pretty sure
I could beat up a wolf.
[RENA] No one's saying you couldn't.
[PATTY] Good. 'Cause I could.
[TINA] No big deal.
Just sneaky, sneaky,
Tina taking a peeky.
- [PATTY] Ooh! Checkpoint!
- [TINA] Okay. Not seeing any cheating.
A lot of spitting on the ground
and butt scratching, though.
- [STICK CRACKS]
- [TINA GASPS]
Phew. That could've been
game over for the T-ster.
Huh?
Holy crap!
It's the golden pine cone!
I found it! I can't believe it!
Okay, what do I do?
Uh, go tell my troop or?
That's weird.
Where are Patty and Rena going?
Oh, my God. This is it.
They're gonna cheat!
It's happening! Not on my watch.
Should I blow the whistle?
No, too soon, too soon.
Got to catch 'em in the act. [GRUNTS]
Wow, no pocket for you.
You're a big boy.
Gonna hide you back here.
Ow. Pointy. [GRUNTS]
It's okay. It's not your fault.
What are you up to?
Ow. Just gonna readjust
my golden secret.
Oop. Too low.
[GRUNTS] There.
Oh, crap. Where'd they go?
Crap, crap, crap, crap,
crap, crap, crap. [SCREAMS]
- Hello, Tina.
- Oh, hey, friends.
Uh, I'm just looking for the, uh
perfect tree to lean on.
This one feels pretty good.
Crazy that pencils
come from these guys, huh?
[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]
We know you were
following us, Tina.
What? That's a huge load
of not at all.
You were gonna follow us
till we got to the last clue,
and then you were gonna steal it
and then find the
golden pine cone for yourself.
- Cheater!
- What?!
I'm following you
because you're the cheaters!
Aha! So you admit
you were following us.
Too bad we figured out your plan
and led you away from our troop.
So, what do we do with her? Kill her?
Just kidding. Sort of.
Uh, maybe nothing?
That's a fun idea.
We can't let you
follow us anymore.
You're never getting
your sticky little fingers
- on that golden pine cone.
- [SCOFFS] I know.
Uh, totally.
I don't even like pine cones.
- Should we tie her to a tree?
- Nah. Right? So much effort.
That's true. So maybe just [GRUNTS]
Hey! My whistle! For whistleblowing!
- More like whistle-throwing!
- Ha.
- No.
- Come on.
- [SIGHS] That was a good throw.
- Yeah, it was!
[TINA GROANING]
Ow. Okay, new plan.
I don't know if
two-five-seven's cheating,
but it doesn't matter because
I have the golden pine cone,
so we win.
I need to find my troop.
Where is my troop?
Somewhere in these woods,
so that's a start.
And Thundergirl training kick-in.
Did I come this way?
This boulder looks sort of familiar.
If I may be so bold.
[CHUCKLES] Nice one.
- Oh, come on.
- Seriously?
- What the
- Stop being where we are.
Uh, I-I'm not!
You're being where I am.
I guess there's a chance
that we're both
being in the wrong place,
because we're lost.
What? No.
You're saying we both went
in a big loop or something?
Aw, what the fudge?
- Should I blow the whistle?
- No! - Yes.
[GROANS] Whatever.
- [WHISTLE BLOWING WEAKLY]
- Great.
Uh, you probably
broke it when you threw it.
- It's not broken. Let me see it.
- [BLOWS AIR, NO WHISTLE]
Yeah, it's broken.
That whistle sucks.
Hello? Can anyone hear us?
Troop leaders? Or really
any troop members at all?
Not being picky here.
[SIGHS]
Well, I'm gonna go this way.
'Cause it's
a new, cool way to go.
I think we should go that way, too.
[SIGHS] Fine.
But we thought of it first.
Uh, you guys can go ahead
since you thought of it.
Also, I'm gassy from nerves.
Guess what. I'm gassy, too, from nerds.
You. [BLOWS RASPBERRIES]
Okay, that's not how being gassy works.
Uh, never mind.
♪
Ugh. They're probably
about to start the bonfire.
I was really looking forward
to those s'mores.
But instead I'll be having s'nuthin'.
And we probably missed
troop two-five-seven
finding the golden pine cone
and winning the pizza party.
Am I right?
I don't know. Maybe
another troop found it.
Ha, that's hilarious.
You're a cheater
and a professional comedian?
Oh, I can't wait
to see your special.
Is it also deeply personal?
- I hope so.
- Easy, Patty.
[GASPS] Guys, look!
- Whoa.
- Maybe they have a phone?
Uh, and maybe the lines
are back up at the campground?
"Oh. Maybe they have a phone.
And maybe the lines
are blah, blah, blah."
Actually, that's a good idea.
Let's go see.
"Donna Dane's Etiquette Camp
for Good Girls."
- Oh, that's gross.
- Hello?
Gonna give it
a little more mustard.
Hey! Hello?! Anybody in there?!
Okay, that's the really loud
way to do it.
- Um, yes?
- Uh, hi.
We are Thundergirls,
and we're lost.
- [PATTY AND RENA] She's lost.
- Oh.
Right. So, we were wondering
if we could use your phone
to call our troop leaders.
Well, the phone lines
have been down for a bit,
but they may be up again by now.
- Come in.
- Mm.
My name is Eve,
and this is my daughter Lacey.
And this is the Donna Dane
Etiquette Camp for Good Girls.
Oh, for real?
I thought that sign was a joke.
- I beg your pardon?
- Sorry.
Uh, I'm Tina.
And-and this is Patty and Rena.
- [PATTY AND RENA] Two-five-seven!
- Oh, that's loud.
-Yes.
-Let's check the phone. Follow me.
This is the Hall of Donna.
- Wow.
- Lot of Donna.
Well, she is the founder.
She's the reason we're here
in this beautiful old house.
Donna Dane Etiquette Camp
has taught girls
how to be women in society
for over 75 years.
- Ew. - Huh.
- Lame. I mean, cool.
We do a two-week
summer sleepaway session,
but during the school year,
we offer
intensive weekend workshops.
Tonight, we're having
a formal good-girl dinner,
where the girls
get a chance to practice
- everything they've learned.
- That's so great,
but we just need your phone Whoa.
- [TINA SCREAMS]
- [PATTY] What are those?
[EVE]
The happy plates?
Those are to make sure
we all bring
our happy, smiling faces
to the table.
- Right, girls?
- [GIRLS IN UNISON] Yes, Ms. Eve.
Good God.
At least this is happening
in a strange house
- in the middle of the woods.
- [BELL JINGLES]
Girls, sit tight and polite.
We're going to check to see
if the phone's working. Tabitha.
We don't want to have to sit
in the posture chair, do we?
Mm. Good girl.
"Spine is curved, no one marries her."
[WHISPERING] Run.
- What?
- Run.
Did you say "run"?
[EVE] Thunderladies, are you coming?
Yep! We are following you
further into the house
and feeling good about it!
- [EVE] It's "farther," not "further."
- Right. [GROANS]
[QUIETLY] I'm pretty sure
that girl said "run."
Comments? Concerns?
I wish she hadn't said it?
Would've been nice
if she'd said "fun"?
- Fun's good.
- [EVE] In here, girls.
- Sorry, the phone is still out.
- May I?
[GRUNTING]
- Yeah, it's dead.
- Cell phones?
Do they exist in your time?
They exist, but they
don't work out here.
We'll try again in a bit.
In the meantime, why don't you,
uh, join us for dinner?
Is there anybody else
we could join for dinner?
You know what?
Um, I just remembered
how to get back to our camp.
It's, uh, east.
I always forget about east.
Uh, anyway, we're-we're
just gonna hit the road
and get out of your tightly-bunned hair.
- Bye-bye.
- East.
Oh, oh, no. No, no, no.
I-I can't in good conscience
let you girls go out
into the woods in the dark.
Stay. Maybe you'll learn something.
Okay. Um
I'll show you where you can wash up.
- What is "wash up"?
- Seriously?
I'm just kidding.
Let's hit the head.
- Patty's got to poop.
- Oh, dear.
Remember girls
"Little bites, little chews.
That's what little ladies do."
Hmm. There's Donna Dane again.
She looks so, uh, nice.
And her body doesn't look weird at all.
[EVE] She's wearing a corset.
Most women stopped wearing them
in the 1920s, but not Donna.
She wore one until she died
at the age of 93.
What a cool way to hate
your internal organs.
[GIRL LAUGHS, SNORTS]
Lacey? The quiet stones.
[TINA] Wh-What is happening?
[EVE] Unbecoming sounds
are not invited to dinner.
The quiet stone is a reminder,
a helpful tool.
Anyone tries to put
a stone in my mouth
is gonna have to have it
surgically removed
from their butt cheek.
And that's just a warning shot.
- The next one goes right up your
- Ah-ha-ha-ha!
So, where, um, do-do you find
your quiet stones?
Etsy? [CHUCKLES]
I'm just gonna say it:
I don't like this camp.
[GIRLS SNICKERING]
Yeah, did you know
some camps have,
like, horseback riding
and waterskiing?
And you don't have to put
any rocks in your mouth.
[GIRLS SNICKERING]
- Are you finished?
- Just one more thing.
[BURPING LOUDLY]
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
Okay. New plan.
Forgive the interruption, everyone.
Perhaps our guests
would be more comfortable
- in a different setting.
- Oh, uh
Ladies, would you care
to follow me?
- Let's try the phone again.
- Great idea.
Fine. This chicken
tastes like farts anyway.
Welcome to the correction room.
[TINA] And there's a phone in here?
- Sit.
- No.
Do you maybe have, like,
a beanbag or
If you want to use
our phone again, then sit.
Lacey will help you.
Um, these chairs aren't
the most comfortable.
They're posture chairs.
- They work.
- Right. Got it.
I can't let you go
running off into the woods,
and I can't have you undermining
all the work my girls have done.
Their parents have paid
good money for this weekend.
So this is what it's come to.
Lacey, use the napkins,
just in case they're tempted
to stand up again.
- Um, what?
- It's an old house.
The doors and windows
don't lock properly.
And there's three of you
and one of Lacey,
so we'll need some way
to keep you safe.
- Oh, uh
- And look.
A beautiful firmly-tied knot.
Oh, no, no, no, no Oh!
Sit, please.
The longer this takes,
the longer it takes me
- to check the phone again.
- Ugh.
- A little music?
- Maybe just a podcast?
[OVER SPEAKERS] Please and thank you,
please and thank you ♪
Be polite,
and they won't spank you ♪
So, um, just wondering,
how long do we get to stay here?
Just until we reach
your troop leaders.
Lacey will be
right outside the door.
Enjoy the music.
I'll give you the link
so you can download the song
when you leave.
[RENA] Thanks.
[TINA PANTING NERVOUSLY,
SCREAMING]
I hope Tina's having fun.
Of course she is. She loves that crap.
- She's got badge brain.
- If there was a badge for
watching Lord of the Rings with
commercials, we'd have that one.
Aw. Little Frodo Badge-ins.
We learn the manners song ♪
- [SONG REPEATS]
- This song is eating my brain!
Oh, hopefully our ears
will start bleeding
and the blood will block out
all the sound.
[CALLING OUT] Uh, Lacey?
Maybe we could hear what's on
the other side of this record?
Change it up a bit? Lacey?
[GIRLS] Lacey!
Oh, my God.
We're gonna die here.
Of amazing posture.
We're supposed to be
basking in the glory
of our golden pine cone victory
right now.
Yeah, but, I mean,
is it really basking
if you had to cheat to win?
Hmm? Guys?
We didn't cheat,
and we weren't going to cheat.
Did we think about messing with
other troops' coordinate clues?
Yes. Fake golden pine cone? Sure.
Smashing everyone's compasses
and blaming it on bears? Obviously.
But we didn't
do any of that, Tina.
We were trying not cheating,
just to see, as an experiment.
We were just gonna
enjoy the weekend, okay?
Sync up our dump cycles.
Camaraderie and stuff.
Wow. I think I believe you.
Hey. Survival cord.
Maybe I can use that
to get untied?
This is survival related, right?
Maybe I can wedge it in here.
[PATTY] That's not gonna work.
- [TINA GRUNTS]
- Oh.
And that's how Tina does it.
- Oops.
- What the
Whoa! Is that a shiny mouse?
You've had the golden pine cone
the whole time,
and you said nothing?
- [PATTY AND TINA GRUNTING]
- Face kick. Face kick.
Put your face closer to my foot!
- Get her!
- [TINA AND RENA YELLING]
- Hey!
- [TINA SCREAMS, PANTS]
[GRUNTING]
[LACEY] Uh-oh.
I'll just tell Mama
there were only two.
[TINA] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm free.
Maybe they'll be okay?
I mean, they will have
really good posture.
And it's okay to leave
people behind sometimes, right?
Damn it! "Never Leave
A Thundergirl Behind" badge!
I got to go back for them.
Although, they did try
to kick me in the face.
I'll go back for them,
but I'm not gonna forgive them.
"Forgiveness" badge! Ugh, fine!
♪
[TINA] Okay. Going back into the
scariest place I've ever been
to rescue two girls
that hate me.
Here we go.
[GRUNTING] Oof.
Scrapey. It's fine.
[GRUNTS]
I'm okay.
Hmm. I need a distraction.
[QUIETLY] Let's hope you're as
flammable as Ginny says you are.
I'm sorry, "Don't Play with Fire" badge.
Whoa. And boom goes the pine-o-mite.
[FIRE CRACKLING]
What the
Ow! Hot, hot, hot!
Mama! Mama!
Water!
Mama! Mama! [COUGHING]
Water, Mama!
Tina. You came back for us?
Even though we wanted
to face-kick you
and still do a little bit?
I mean, we're all
Thundergirls, right?
- We all poop in the woods.
- You poop in the woods?
No, no, our campsite has bathrooms.
It's just, like, a saying.
- It is?
- Just come on!
[SNIFFING] Is something burning?
Yeah, it's the golden pine cone.
I set it on fire.
Nice.
[GIRLS SCREAM]
- Donna!
- Go back to hell, Donna!
How did you get out?
Uh, you can't be here.
Uh, the girls are waiting
for their visit from Donna.
I won't let you ruin this.
[SNIFFS]
Do I smell smoke?
- [LACEY] Mama!
- Lacey? Lacey!
Just a small vase fire
from a very flammable pine cone.
No biggie! This way!
Wait. Manners girls, you don't
have to put up with this place.
You can come with us! You can be free!
Um, our parents pick us up here, so
- Oh, right.
- [EVE] There they are!
- Get back here!
- Uh, bye!
[EVE SIGHS] Forget them.
Some girls will never be good.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Hello! It's me, Donna Dane.
Who wants to have
a curtsey contest?
[GIRLS] Yay!
[EVE] And a-one and a-two
and a dip-a-dee-doo!
And she tried to make us say
"please" and sit up straight
and not burp, and we were like,
"No frickin' way, lady."
And then we orienteered our asses
- all the way back here.
- Really?
I mean, until Ginny
and Bethany found us,
- which was pretty much right away.
- Well, we found you,
but we still have no idea
where that golden pine cone is.
It wasn't where we hid it.
Maybe it grew into a tree? [LAUGHS]
But seriously, I hope it rains soon
because that thing
is very, very flammable.
But since no one found it,
no one wins the pizza party.
[GIRLS] Aw.
Instead, the reward is
that three of our girls
did not die in the woods
tonight, so no one is suing us!
[CHANTING] Thundergirls for life!
Not getting sued!
[ALL CHANTING] Thundergirls for life!
Not getting sued!
Thundergirls for life!
Not getting sued!
- So, how was oreo-teering?
- Orienteering.
- Oral-vineering.
- Perfect.
Did two-five-seven cheat?
And did the cheating involve
knives or spears or tiger traps?
Did they tie your shoelaces together
- and you tumbled all around?
- Nope. No cheating.
Just a bunch of Thundergirls
being Thundergirls.
Oh. Boo.
Two-five-seven just does it
a little differently.
So, did you have a good time?
Ginny said you had quite an adventure.
- Wh-What does that mean?
- Don't worry about it, princess.
"Princess."
Uh, okay.
Please and thank you,
please and thank you ♪
Be polite and they won't spank you ♪
We cannot do any wrong ♪
If we learn the manners song ♪
Please get off of my back, thank you ♪
Tell me to smile
and I will shank you ♪
Posture chairs, we think they suck ♪
And your quiet stones
can kiss my butt ♪
- Thundergirls for life ♪
- Please, no thank you ♪
- Please, no thank you ♪
- Thundergirls for life ♪
- Thundergirls, Thundergirls ♪
- Please, no thank you ♪
Thundergirls, Thundergirls,
Thundergirls ♪
Thundergirls,
Thundergirls, Thundergirls ♪
Thundergirls, Thundergirls ♪
Please, no thank you! ♪