Bob's Burgers s15e15 Episode Script

1
- Going to a casino! ♪
- [BOTH] Yeah!
- [LOW TONE] Going to a casino! ♪
- [BOTH] Yeah!
Mom, Dad, you are nailing raising us.
We're only going to the casino
to cash these chips I
found and then leave.
And then go get dinner
at the Dumpling Garden.
They have good dumplings.
And, actually, a pretty good garden.
Let me hold the chips. I
want to absorb their power.
And you have these chips
because you're in the mafia?
No, my Grandpa Max worked at the casino,
and he would send them to me
for my birthday every year.
It's so cool we come from casino people.
That might be even
better than circus people.
- We get to say "craps."
- Louise.
Oh, I have the best memories
of that place when I was little
and I'd go with Grandpa Max.
Was that Grandpa Potato?
No, the other side. My father's father.
What vegetable did he look like?
He had these twinkling eyes
and he was always smiling.
- So, like a butternut squash?
- Yeah, kind of.
He was sweet to me and Gayle.
He was sweet to my grandmother.
- He was-he was just a sweetie.
- So, grampa sweet potato.
[LINDA] He would take me
and Gayle to the boardwalk
and we'd get pancakes at
the casino coffee shop.
And they were always on the
house 'cause everyone loved him.
Plus all the salt water taffy
we could eat from the candy shop.
[LOUISE] I love your
grandpa's approach to sugar
and just letting you have
as much of it as you want.
[LINDA] And the casino had a lady
who dressed as a mermaid
and swam around in a big tank
and Gayle and I would
watch her swim and
- we were just enchanted.
- [TINA] There was
- a mermaid tank?
- Pancakes? Mermaids?
There's so much about
gambling I don't understand!
This is where I came from and
where I shall forever live.
[LINDA] Wow, this place
has not changed one bit.
- [TINA] Is that the mermaid tank?
- [LINDA] Oh, yeah.
- Is the mermaid not home?
- Maybe she's on vacation?
I hear Merm-achusetts is
nice this time of year.
What's the tube up there?
Is that where the mermaid poop goes out?
No, that connects the
tank to the pool out front.
The mermaid used to swim
out and splash around outside
to get people to come in the casino.
Like me splashing in the bathtub
trying to get you guys
to come in and hang out.
[SNIFFS] Oh, I forgot
about casino smell.
Old cigarette smoke.
Kids, this is how
everything used to smell.
Back then, even if you
didn't smoke, you smoked.
Oh, there's the cashier cages.
Let's go cash these babies in.
Or we head to the roulette table?
- Roulette it ride?
- No.
Aw, boo-lette.
[CASHIER] One hundred, 200, 50.
- There you go.
- [LOUISE] I'll keep that safe for you.
- Uh-uh. I've got it.
- These are old chips.
What'd, you have these
in a drawer somewhere?
Yeah. My Grandpa Max gave
'em to me when I was a kid.
He used to bartend here a long time ago.
Ah. I remember Max.
- You do?
- Hey, Jerry.
You remember Max the
bartender from the old days?
- Of course.
- This is his granddaughter.
And her ravishing family.
The hairy man is our valet.
- Gene.
- Hi, there.
- What's going on over here?
- She's the granddaughter of Max.
Oh.
Wow. Uh isn't that
a blast from the past?
- Mm-hmm.
- And on today of all days.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. Wait, what?
Hey, you know what? Here are
some drink tickets, buffet tickets,
some candy store freebies.
You guys go nuts. These
are on your Grandpa Max.
- [LOUISE AND GENE] Oh.
-Whoa. - Thank you.
I'm Shirley. It's nice to meet you.
People. Break's over.
Work o'clock, right?
- Okay, boss.
- You got it, Marshall.
Punk.
So, we'll take those
candy store freebies.
- Thank you. Bye.
-Thank you. - Thank you.
And there they go.
They're so fast when they want be.
You know what's the
best candy? Free candy.
I don't know what flavor
this jelly bean is,
but I like this color and I'm
getting a thousand of them.
Do you think they let you
climb in these barrels?
Let's find out.
Mmm, the buffet actually
smells pretty good.
Should we eat dinner here?
Old-school places like this
can sometimes be weirdly great.
Oh, they have prime rib.
I ate here with Grandpa
Max, but I was Louise's age.
I only cared about milkshakes.
Let's not do dumplings.
Let's do prime rib.
I mean, we have these
free buffet tickets.
It'd be rude not to use them, right?
I feel like we owe it to your grandpa
to have prime rib right now.
Huh. I wonder what's
going on over there.
If you haven't done anything wrong,
you have nothing to worry about.
Is that guy getting
arrested? Or interrogated?
Or engorged? No, not engorged.
- This is for you.
- And this is for you.
Uh, they're actually both
for me. She's driving.
- Yeah, I lost the thumb war.
- I won the thumb war.
- Hey, Shirley, wh-what's that about?
- That?
Uh, yeah, well, uh, this hotel was
family-owned for forever.
But then Charlie died a few months ago.
Aw. Charlie.
Yeah, great guy. Not
so great with the books.
Yeah. Books are hard.
And a big Danish company
bought out the family.
They bought it to make Danishes?
Mm, different Danish. I think.
Oh. So, who are those guys?
Well they look like auditors to me.
I-I bet the Danish
company's shaking the tree.
See what falls out.
Marshall looks like
he's losing his mind,
so that's fun to watch.
[LINDA] Oh, yeah, Marshall.
He is freaking out.
- Oh, hey, the mermaid's there.
- Ooh, mermaid!
Oh. It's nice to see a
mermaid of a certain age.
[SHIRLEY] That's my daughter, Sharon.
Isn't she something? 65 years young.
[SIGHS] Well, uh, I should go.
Eh, it's-it's so nice to meet you.
You really do look a lot
like your grandfather.
Ooh, I'm getting a little emotional.
Uh, I knew your grandfather
for a long, long time.
I just, uh We all loved him. A lot.
Excuse me, I-I got to give
that creepy guy over there
a sex on the beach.
The drink. Not the thing.
Thanks for all the free stuff.
So, uh, h-have we decided? Prime rib?
- I feel like we've decided.
- Geez. Bob. Look at the mermaid.
- Yeah?
- Does she look like me?
- [BOB] Oh Yeah.
- [LINDA] Like, a lot?
Yeah, I mean, she's older
than you, but yeah.
- [LINDA] Nose. Eyes. Chin.
- [BOB] Okay. Yeah.
Oh, my God. Think about it.
Little Miss getting all emotional,
"I knew your grandfather for
a long, long time" over there
- is her mother.
- [BOB] Uh, uh-huh.
- And the mermaid looks like me.
- Okay.
I think maybe that floozie
Shirley and my Grandpa Max
screwed around and had a
65-year-old mermaid baby!
Whoa.
I can't believe it.
The nice old lady
Shirley was a homewrecker
and my perfect grandpa
was a dirtbag. Great.
Lin, maybe it's just a coincidence
that you and the mermaid look alike
and her mom loved your grandfather?
So what? Does that mean
the mermaid is my aunt?
- My half aunt?
- [SIGHS]
That sounds right, but
I'm terrible at that stuff.
And also, my brain shut down
after my first sip of this drink.
Which is [COUGHS] very strong.
My poor grandmother. Ugh!
You'd tell me if you had a
secret family, right, Bob?
Yeah, I'd need your help.
That sounds like a ton of work.
I got to talk to her. I got to know.
I mean, I-I think I know. But
I-I got to hear it from her.
- Do you, though?
- Yes!
Right. Yup. Is it loving
and supportive of me
if I get in line for the buffet?
And use the tickets from the woman
your grandfather maybe
had an affair with?
It's fine. I'm gonna
go look for that hussy.
I'll send the kids over if I see 'em.
If they even are my kids.
- What?
- I don't know!
[TINA] Oh!
- Ooh.
- Whoa.
[TINA] She's fun. Who do
you think she's talking to?
Who cares? You're at work,
girl. Get off the phone.
[LOUISE] Does she kind of look like Mom?
Like, if Mom was older and underwater?
- Oh. Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Mom's got legs, though, right?
[LINDA] Listen, Shirley,
I figured it out.
Pretty sure you and my
grandpa you had an affair.
And you had the little
mermaid over there, didn't you?
[GASPS] What do you
Uh, uh How did you
So it's true. Unbelievable.
Oh. I'm sorry. Listen,
let me explain it to you.
It was a very long time ago. You know,
I was the mermaid back then.
[LINDA] Wait a minute.
You were the mermaid my sister and I
would watch when we were little?
Yeah, that was me.
I kept that job for almost 30 years.
I didn't get out of the water
till Sharon started filling in for me.
You know, you meet a
lot of tough characters
in this business,
but your grandfather was
kind to everyone he met.
I fell in love with him. Pretty quick.
Even when he was blurry,
he was so handsome.
He had feelings for me,
too, but he was married.
We tried to avoid
each other, but then
[LINDA] Affair city.
Population, you two stinkers.
[SHIRLEY] Yeah. It was brief.
But he loved your grandmother.
And that was that.
- And then came my Bill.
- Bill? You charged my grandpa?
No, the man I married. Who I also loved.
- Shirley, can I talk to you?
- Sorry, I-I got to go.
Your grandpa was a good man. Dirty.
No, not your grandfather.
I'm-I'm talking about
this guy's martini.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
Ho-ho! What do we have here?
I know this one. It's a quarter.
This, my friends, is a
jackpot waiting to happen.
But I don't think kids
are allowed to gamble.
Tina, legalized kid gambling
is just around the corner,
- so who are we to stop progress?
- [MAN] Hey, hey.
You kids can't be in
the slot machine area.
You see this carpet?
How it's different from that carpet?
You got to stay on this
carpet till you're 21.
Then, please, do go onto that carpet.
- I agree, Officer.
- Not an officer.
Okay, sure, fine, stay on this carpet.
- You got it, buddy.
- Not buddy.
- How about broseph?
- No.
Uh, hey kids. What are you up to?
Learning about casino carpet. You?
Well, long story, that mermaid
is your great half aunt.
Ha! We knew you two had to be related.
- Yup.
- Mm-hmm.
- What? How?
- She looks exactly like you.
- If I was older.
- Yeah, yeah.
No. Don't skip that part.
Anyway, how are you
just finding this out?
Well, let's just say it involves
that lady and my grandfather.
And something that rhymes
with "shmeating" on my "shmandmother"
who was a "shmicken' shmangel."
- Huh. That was odd.
- What was odd?
She just wiped something
off that auditor guy's face.
Why would she wipe
something off his face?
She doesn't know him.
Are we not supposed to be
wiping people we don't know?
Listen, kids. Your
father is at the buffet.
Go find him. Don't just eat candy.
But also gimme. Ugh!
What flavor is this?
I don't know. Medicine?
It's not good, but at least
I have a giant bag of it.
- Okay, bye.
- Okay, we'll go find Dad.
At some point after we
win a bunch of money.
Don't you worry about us.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
It's prime time.
I need to know about the baby.
Who is now the mermaid.
Did my grandfather abandon her?
No. It-It's complicated.
- Did he know she was his?
- Yes.
- Does she know she's his?
- Yes.
And what was with you
and the auditor guy?
You wiped something off his face?
- [GASPS] Shush.
- Is that your move?
Is that how you get the guys?
Is that what you did with my grandpa?
- Shush.
- Don't you shush me.
- I shush you, you skank.
- Linda, please.
He's my grandnephew.
Grandnephew?! The
auditor's your grandnephew?
[SHUSHING] Keep your voice down.
What's the big deal?
He's your grandnephew.
- I don't get it.
- [SHUSHES]
He's pretending to be an auditor.
- What? Why?
- Because we're
we're robbing the place.
What place? Oh, the casino.
- You're robbing the place?
- Well, not exactly robbing.
Just taking what was promised to us.
- What are you talking about?
- The owner, Charlie
he had a good run with
this place for a while.
He wanted to reward us
long-timers who stuck with him,
so he promised us a bonus when he sold.
A million bucks to split between us.
He wrote it down on
letterhead and everything.
And we all said "Phew.
When he sells, I can retire."
- I'm not a kid anymore, you know?
- Uh-huh, sure.
But then Charlie dies,
the place is in debt,
the Danish company comes in
and they look at the letter
and they say, "This
isn't legally binding,
so stick it in your smorgasbord,"
in so many words, and now here we are,
- making it right.
- Okay, I need a drink.
- That's full of cigarette butts. Oh.
- [SPUTTERS]
- How's that for you?
- So good.
It looks so tender.
Uh, h-how long did you roast it for?
- Uh, I just carve it.
- Au jus. [CHUCKLES]
- Get it?
- What?
It's the sauce. Nothing. Never mind.
Oh, okay, bye.
So, your pretend auditor
grandnephew is part of this, somehow?
Yes. My Joe and his girlfriend
are in community theater.
They're wearing wigs and fake noses
so they can't be identified.
They're pretending to be auditors.
The casino will think they're
being audited and not robbed.
They're probably in the vault right now.
They can just walk into
the vault and take money?
When a casino gets audited,
sometimes they do what's
called a full count.
The auditors go in there
and count all the money.
But how do they steal the money
with Marshall standing right there?
My grandnephew's girlfriend
theater is what she does for fun.
For work, she's an engineer,
and she's a genius.
He's lucky. [CHUCKLES]
She's a little bit out of
his league, frankly. Anyway,
uh, she altered a cash counting machine
so it looks like it's just
counting the money, but really,
a couple of bills out of every stack
gets peeled off and goes into
a storage area inside the machine,
and that storage compartment
will hold our million dollars.
So everyone's in on this?
All the old-timers?
Not everyone. My daughter doesn't know.
She's one of those people
who thinks robbing a casino
is wrong and it's a crime.
I'd appreciate it if
you didn't tell her.
Or-or anyone. Like the police.
Even though I know you're,
uh, you're a little mad at me.
- A lot mad, you gramp tramp.
- A little a lot mad?
A lot a lot mad.
And I think your plan is nuts.
- A little nuts?
- A lot nuts.
Oh, give me nuts.
Ugh! More cigarette butts.
Why are you being so
weird about this, Glen?
Just let me carve one little slice.
- Uh
- Shh, shh, shh.
Think about it. Let it marinate. Hm?
Meat talk. I'll be back.
How about that one? That one seems hot.
Does it-does it seem hot to you?
I think it's more cute than hot.
Louise, we've walked past
every machine three times.
Just pick one already.
Pick or get off the slot, girl.
Okay, okay. This is the one. [GRUNTS]
Just having a stretch. [GRUNTING]
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- [LOUISE] What?
W-We're on the kiddie carpet.
What do you want from us?
- To not gamble here.
- Fine. [SIGHS]
You are being such a
security guard right now.
But thank you for your service.
[LINDA SCOFFS] Shirley the strumpet.
Ruining my memories with her mammaries.
[SCOFFS] What's-her-name's
taking a break.
[SIGHS] Damn it. I got to give
her my number before I leave.
She is my half aunt.
Even though her mom's a
whole lot of something.
I'm gonna text Bob.
I shouldn't be eating
another slice of you,
but here we are.
- [WHISPERS] Let's be bad together.
- [PHONE VIBRATES]
"Find the kids. We got to go.
I'll explain when I see you."
Oh, no, no, no.
"Here's the thing.
"I'm this close to being allowed
"carving privileges.
"Also, I think Glen
"might let me wear his hat.
So can I have five to 15 minutes?"
And send. Great.
So, I finish this,
and then I carve, carve,
carve, carve, carve, carve,
and then I get the kids.
- Knock, knock.
- Hello?
Hi. I can't stay long, but
I wanted to introduce myself
- because we are related.
- Oh. Are we?
Yes. Apparently, you're my half aunt
'cause my grandpa and your mom
- made you.
- Oh.
You're Max's son's daughter.
- Yeah. Hi. Linda.
- Sharon.
I found out about you
today, which was a lot,
but I just thought I'd say hi
and give you my phone number
'cause I got to go, and
I can't get into that,
so, yeah, let's be in touch.
Uh, yeah, listen, uh, I
just want to let you know,
on my side of things, it
all turned out all right.
I was upset, but I'm
good now. I'm over it.
I just thought you should know that.
Well, I'm not over it.
I thought my grandpa was perfect,
but he ain't nothing but a hound dog.
Hey, I hear you.
I thought my mom was perfect, too.
A lot of trust issues
with Mom for a while there,
but I-I think we're in an
honest place with each other now.
She doesn't keep
anything from me anymore.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. Sure.
Oh, it exploded. Oh, my
God. It exploded everywhere.
It was too much internal
pressure. We weren't
supposed to jostle it, and
then someone jostled it.
I know. I know. Hi.
Um, Sharon. Uh, it's
it's Joe. Your cousin Joe.
I'm wearing a wig and a fake nose.
Uh, hi, Joe.
I'm cousin Linda, I guess.
- Uh, hi.
- Joe? Wha
- What is What?
- Damn it, the latch is broken.
The money's not gonna stay in there.
We have to go back out there right now.
We need to be in character,
talking to Marshall,
- or it's blown.
- It's already blown.
No, it's not.
Text Shirley. She has to
figure out the money. We just
have to play our parts.
Clean yourself up.
Tuck in your shirt.
This will have to do.
Hi, Sharon. It-It's Susie.
We've actually met once before.
I-I was not wearing a
fake nose then. You ready?
- You good?
- Yup. Getting in character.
Auditing auditor. Auditing auditor.
What-what is going on?
Did she say "text Shirley"?
Yeah. Uh, your mom might
be masterminding a heist.
Uh, and that might be the
money. I'm just guessing.
It's my first time at a heist.
I-I don't friggin' believe
it. Mom, what the hell?
- She found out about the heist.
- I got to think. I got to think.
You and your "they owe
us a million dollars."
Well, here it is. Are you happy?
You get to look at it
before you go to prison.
That is a huge pile of money.
That is like Scrooge McDuck money.
Okay. M-Maybe it's okay.
The thing exploded,
but it was the best place
it could have exploded.
There were no cameras
in the hall out there,
there's no cameras in here,
because of the naked mermaids.
Joe texted, said he and
Susie are in with Marshall.
They're playing their part.
I just got to figure out
how to get this money out of
here, and we're back on track.
Oh, that should be easy.
- Just stuff it in your bra, right?
- Oh, right.
Shirley, you're a chesty girl,
but that's not gonna fit in your bra.
No. The tail. The mermaid
tail. And the tube.
- I'll swim it out.
- What are you talking about, Mom?
I'll text Jerry. Someone
can meet me outside.
If I hand him the tail over by
the fountain, no one will see.
They dump the money in the
car, I put the tail back on,
I swim back in, no one's the wiser.
I-I can still make that swim, right?
Mom, you can't.
You haven't put on the tail in decades.
And the tube? Forget it.
You're a land mom now.
Well, I don't really have a choice.
This is the best idea I
have and I got to move fast.
You do have a choice.
How about not breaking the law, huh?
It's not always black and white, Sharon.
We're owed this money.
We need this money.
This is our retirement.
Or should we just keep working
until we drop dead right
on the casino floor?
You know how dirty that floor is.
Linda, back me up. What
my mom is doing is wrong.
Oh, yeah.
I'm on Team Your Mom Has
Done a Bunch of Wrong Things.
It was definitely black and
white with you and Grandpa Max.
My poor grandmother. God, I hope
- she never found out.
- Oh, she knew.
- What? She knew?
- Yeah,
your grandfather was the
most honest man I ever met.
He told her everything.
Oh. Was she devastated?
Yeah, but then, you know,
she forgave him, eventually.
They were together a
long time before he died,
- and they loved each other.
- Oh. Huh. She knew?
And she forgave him?
Well, still, wrong is
wrong and right is right.
Can we get back to that, please?
- Eh
- Eh? What "eh"?
- Eh
- There's no "eh."
There's a little "eh."
I don't know, maybe I'm
on Team Complicated now.
People are complicated. I
didn't think my grandfather was,
but he was a person, so it
makes sense that he would be.
No. No, Mom, stop putting
the money in the tail.
- Linda, hold this. Hold it. H
- Okay.
What? Linda, no helping.
I-I'm not helping.
I'm not even looking.
It just seems like if my grandmother
could forgive my grandfather,
maybe your mother can
steal a million dollars.
- What?
- I mean, it's kind of their money.
And maybe I can forgive
my grandfather, too.
And I guess I should
forgive you, Shirley,
in case you die in the tube.
'Cause, let's be honest here,
you might die in that tube.
- Oh, my God. I'll do it.
- What?
Let me put on the tail.
I'll swim the money out.
No. I-I can't let you.
Mom, I don't want you
to die in the tube, so
[SIGHS] I guess I'll
help you rob a casino.
But just this once.
♪
- Psst. -Over here.
- Hi.
I see you, but can anyone else?
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Doesn't matter.
Listen, can you put this
quarter in the machine for us?
We're of gambling age, but we're shy.
- Oh, okay.
- [MACHINE FANFARE PLAYING]
[BELL CLANGING]
- [CHEERS]
-Yes! - Whoa!
Hey, that's a $12 win.
And let's talk about my cut.
- Does the tail look okay?
- You look like a million bucks.
You got this, half aunt Sharon.
Sorry. I can't wink.
- Me neither.
- [LAUGHS]
I should go.
Really nice meeting you, Linda.
I just wish it wasn't while I was
committing a crime with my mother.
Call me. Oh, call me
on the mermaid phone.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[GIGGLES]
Ten percent. It's more than fair.
You get what you get
and you don't get upset.
Twenty-five percent or I
call the security guard.
Twenty percent and we send you
a Christmas card every year.
Deal.
We'll be in touch, but it
looks like you're in the clear.
Thank God.
- Wow. Cool money.
- Thank you.
Oh, hey, everyone. Should we leave?
- Let's leave. Everyone have fun?
- Yessiree. [CHUCKLES]
- We did have fun.
- Lots of fun.
- Great. Good. Keep going. Keep going.
- Honestly?
- One of the best nights of my life.
- Uh-huh.
- I made a new best friend.
- Yeah, that's great.
- Oh, my God, I forgot his name.
- Mm-hmm, yep.
[BOB] And I had seven
slabs of prime rib.
- [LINDA] Oh, wow.
- [GENE] Let's go get dumplings.
- On me.
- [BOB] Shotgun!
[LOUISE] Wait, wait, Mom, you did what?!
♪
Tail money ♪
Tail money ♪
Gettin' paid ♪
From the tail of a
middle-aged mermaid ♪
Gettin' paid ♪
From the tail of a
middle-aged mermaid ♪
Tail money. ♪