The Simpsons s22e02 Episode Script

Loan-a-Lisa

(squawks) (shrieks) (school bell ringing) (belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) (horn beeps) (gasps) D'oh! ALL: Hmm? (all gasp) (siren wailing) (tires squealing) (tires screeching) (guns cocking) MAN: Number two.
(Homer grunts) (playing blues harmonica) ("Wedding March" plays) (all cheer) (romantic music plays) (yelling) (laughs) (lute playing soft arpeggios) (yelling and screaming) (yelling) (kids laugh) BART: Aw Oh, I thought we were going to breakfast.
First we're visiting Grampa.
No fair! We just went to church! Yeah, so we've already heard stories from thousands of years ago about stuff that didn't happen.
Oh! I have an important announcement to make.
I've had a lot of time to think since my hands got too shaky to play cards.
D'oh! It's not your fault, Grampa.
These cards are too slippery.
See? (groaning) Damn it! Anywhen, I've decided to give you all your inheritance now.
(excited murmurs) Are you sure about that, Grampa? (chuckles) I just want to see the look on your faces when I share with you the fruits of a lifetime of labor.
(humming to himself) That's your life savings?! This won't even cover the vig on what I owe! Well, I lost the rest investing in a Broadway musical based on the real-life story of Eddie Gaedel, the midget who had one big league at-bat.
I even wrote a song for American League president Will Harridge! (jazzy show tune plays) What do I do with this damn little man? His strike zone's the size of a tuna fish can! His strike zone's the size of a tuna fish can.
Now remember what Grampa said: you can spend the money any way you want.
(chuckles) I just paid some loser 50 bucks to walk up the down escalator all day.
(humming to himself) I bet it's 11:00.
I bet it's 11:00! Oh, 9:15?! Hmm, I think I'll look for a new handbag.
(humming to herself) Ooh, so many celebrities have their own label: Princess Penelope, Booberella, The Real Housewives of Ogdenville, even Scratchy.
Oh I wonder how much that one is.
Gotta look without looking like I'm looking.
(gasps) Yes! I'd like this bag, please.
Marge Simpson! Are you buying a Marc Fredericks signature handbag? Why wouldn't I? Well those bags are pretty pricey.
Hey, my husband makes good money, and we can certainly afford That'll be $500.
(gasps) Oh, I didn't realize What's the matter, Marge? Just remembered your husband's not a doctor? Oh, my God, you are so burned! I'll take it! ALL: Ooh! Well done, Marge.
If you're looking for a bag hag, I'm your man.
Okay? But stay on my good side, girlfriend.
Or uh-oh! HOMER: $500?! That's, like, ten dead Grampas! Some of us stuck to our limit, Marge.
And I would've loved to rent this carpet cleaner another day! Is that the cat in there?! Well, it's a cat.
I'm not sure it's the cat.
(yowls) Don't worry, Homer, I'll return the handbag first thing tomorrow.
You know what, honey? Just because we can't afford to keep that handbag doesn't mean that you two can't have one night at the most glamorous place in town.
(light piano music playing) (sighs) Right this way.
(humming to himself) (grunts) Well, at least it's a good place to see celebrities.
It's not what you think! I'm researching a movie where I play myself.
(sighs) Wait a minute.
Is that bag Marc Fredericks? Mm-hmm.
You know, a much nicer table just opened up! (grunts) Hmm! (chuckles) After Bart, that bag's the best mistake we ever made.
I'm gonna go, uh, study the menu.
Heh.
So, I want to honor Grampa by giving my inheritance to charity.
But which one? Ooh, what's this? MALE ANNOUNCER: Most banks are for the haves, not the have-nots.
I'm sorry, but we simply can't accept your collateral.
I am just a goat, but even I know that a peasant in an emerging economy can't get a break.
She needs a microloan.
A guilty first-worlder lends $50 or more to the Microloan Bank, who uses it to help my owner finance her business.
Working together, we can help people help themselves! And now, apparently, I am a girl.
(giggling) (giggling, gasping) Mmm (chuckling continues) Hmm.
Come on, Marge, let's hit the buffet.
You go ahead; I'll stay here.
If I get something on this handbag, I won't be able to return it.
Oh, you don't want to wait for that buffet.
Wiggum's making his move! (grunting) I need backup, Lou.
(over radio): Get two plates and follow me.
(quietly): Uh, Chief, not now; I'm undercover.
Oh, it's like that, huh? The minute you go undercover, you act like you don't even know me! He'll turn on you, too, Fat Tony, you just wait! (nervous laugh) Mm, I suppose I should get something to eat.
(gasps) Hey! Waah! (gasping) Oh, thank God! I can take that for you.
(dramatic music plays) (gasps, grunts) Homer, take me home! Sure, sure! (grunts) Let me just grab one more shrimp.
(chomps) Boy, I bet that looked cool in super slow motion.
Too bad we saw it in regular motion.
Yeah, I got bigger problems, Chief.
I'm in love with the don's daughter! But which me does she love? (mutters): I don't know.
LISA: Hmm Thank you so much for clicking on me.
I am Muhammad Yunus, founder of the Grameen Bank, and, oh yeah, I'm also the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.
To find an entrepreneur you want to lend to, click on my nose if you can catch it.
It's up here! Now down here! Too slow! (laughs) Okay, I'll hold still.
No, I won't.
Ha-ha! Got it! YUNUS: Good-bye! Let's see, I could help someone in any impoverished area on Earth.
Bangladesh.
Bolivia.
(gasps) East Springfield? My name is Nelson Mandela Muntz.
Nelson? And my dream is to make and market custom bicycles.
Nelson! My dream is to make enough money so's I can get the rest of this tattoo removed.
Sorry I wasted your time.
No fool would take a chance on a loser like me.
I will.
I'll take a chance on you, Nelson Muntz.
Nelson, I gotta take this computer to the pawn shop, so's we can get White Castle for your birthday.
So, Nelson, I see you started a small business.
Yeah.
Some anonymous dude sent me 50 bucks.
Probably someone cool like Famous Amos or Ba Ba Booey.
And I'm gonna justify his faith in me.
Well, whoever your mysterious donor is, he, or she, really wants you to succeed.
Ding-dong! Ooh, your first customer! Be nice.
Right.
Nice.
Good day, Mr.
Barf-Breath.
Good day to you.
Let me be frank: Everyone thinks you're a wuss.
So, we'll change the pink to black, elevate the seat-- trust me, it's slimming-- and change this wicker basket to no basket.
Do you like it? (chuckling): Oh, I love it! Hmm! Hmm! Wow, my first job.
Tonight I'm having peanut butter and jelly.
No more PB or J for me.
(giggling) (sotto voce): Stay cool, Marge.
Stay cool.
(takes deep breath) I'd like to return this handbag.
Unused.
I believe this stranger! Well, here's your refund.
(sighs) (chuckles) Check and mate.
Thank God! I will never do that again.
Wait a minute, Marge.
Don't you realize what just happened? You got to enjoy that bag for nothing! We can buy stuff we can't afford, temporarily own the hell out of it, and then indignantly bring it back for a full refund.
(chuckling) Hide a sandwich in this hat.
"Mary Poppins" myself to work with this umbrella.
Homie, you know what happens when you push your luck Yeah, the luck lasts longer! Thanks to the power of returns, this store is our closet! (booming laugh) (worried murmur) Ooh, a message from my small business person! (giggles) Dear anonymous investor: Here is my update on my small business.
(excitedly): I'm making money fist over face! Dingus! Great timing! Awesome! No way I can look nerdy on this bike.
Hot cross buns, hot cross buns One a penny, two a penny Hot cross buns.
And, with the money I'm making, I can treat my mom the way she deserves! This place is so fancy, Nelson.
The ketchup packets are made of glass.
(humming) NELSON: Ma, please.
You're not at work.
(doorbell ringing) Come in.
Come in.
Don't wipe your feet.
Whoa, look at all this stuff! Did you find a mouse head in your Cuppa-Soup? I wish.
(chuckles) (gasps) What the hell are you doing?! With this protective plastic overlay, I can't tell if I'm watching an old Seinfeld or an old Old Christine.
Now, everyone onto the hot tub.
(humming to himself) (grunting) Come on on.
The cardboard's fine.
(chuckles) Hi, Nelson.
Here again, huh, Lis? I guess now that I'm a success, you want to get back together with me.
Dolph called it.
No, but there is something I can't hold back anymore.
I'm your microfinance donor! You're L-Simpson-Jazzgirl? Oh, my God.
I owe you everything.
Well, I didn't do this for thanks, but if you want to thank me, I can stand here and listen for as long as it takes.
I'm sure you can.
Lisa, if it weren't for you, I never would have achieved the kind of success that has allowed me to quit school.
You're quitting school?! Dropping it like a melon off an overpass.
But don't you know that people who don't go to college make three percent less than people who do? Lisa, thanks to you, and Nobel laureate Mohammad Yunus, I can do this! Spelling, meet F-Y-R-E.
(gasps, shudders) Principal Skinner, I need to convince Nelson to come back to school.
Seriously? Why? With Nelson gone, lunch money's finally making its way to the cafeteria.
Nurples are returning to their natural, non-purple hue.
Besides, I hear he's doing quite well with his bicycle pimpery.
He is.
He's paying people $11 an hour to work for him.
$11 an hour? That's night watchman money.
Maybe I should have a chat with him.
Which of these ties says confidence? Isn't that a Christmas tie? It's a conversation starter! Lisa, this conversation is over.
It's not you I'm trying to impress, it's Nelson.
I know he likes the sleeveless look.
CHALMERS: Skinner! Oh.
Oh, so you also heard about the, uh, $11 an hour.
I heard about it first.
Yes, well, you see the thing about that is Blah! (humming to himself) Good afternoon.
I'd like to return this merchandise.
"Wrong size, wrong color, not asictured, and other reason please explain.
" Sir, this suitcase has an airline tag on it, these ping-pong balls have been served and volleyed, and this hot plate's still warm.
(hissing) Yes, uh maybe I'll just come back during someone else's shift.
Is Claire working today? She's a real sucker.
Let me get my supervisor.
Hello, Homer.
(gasps) How do you know my name? I'm Chris Hansen from To Catch a Credit-Whore.
We know you've been returning used items all over town.
(chuckles): Oh, it's not what you think I came here to warn them-- yes, to-to warn them about, um People like you? Yes! I mean no! I mean (shrieks) You'll never get me! I have to sign a release so you can broadcast this, right? Initial there, and Never! Can you tell me when this is gonna be on? I'm thinking of having a party.
Lisa, why did you bring me here? Oh, I don't know.
I thought one of these super-successful people might tell you how important it is to stay in school.
Why, look.
It's Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook! Mr.
Zuckerberg, I'm Lisa, and this is Nelson.
S'up, Zuck? "Mark Zuckerberg is happy to meet new friends.
" That's great, Mr.
Zuckerberg, but I was hoping you could tell us how education was instrumental to your success.
Well, the truth is I dropped out of Harvard.
You did? Better earnin' than learnin'! Hell, yeah! I'll get the best kind of degree-- honorary, baby! Well, clearly, you're an exception.
Am I, Lisa? Bill Gates-- dropout.
Virgin Airlines' Richard Branson-- dropout.
Well didn't anybody here stay in school? MAN: I did.
Graduated magna cum lade.
There, you see? I'm afraid I haven't done too well for myself.
But I can certainly appreciate the irony of it.
(playful grunting and laughter) So, how did everyone do with their $50? Well, I learned a valuable lesson about wanting more than I could afford.
Marge, you couldn't have fun if you were a monkey on a banana boat! I used Grampa's money to try to help someone in need, but it didn't go the way I expected.
Aw, sweetie, money can't change people.
It can just help them be who they are.
I gave a bum a dollar once, and he used it to buy an Ellery Queen mystery.
But there was one mystery Ellery Queen couldn't solve-- why a man was named Ellery.
But my point is, whatever I said before I started talking about Ellery Queen.
Nelson, I just wanted to say that I realize now you can't be anyone else other than who you are, and Huh? Look, everyone, just chill out! My Wizard of Oz bike fell apart in the middle of the Pride parade! What kind of pride? Never you mind what kind! Fix my bike! I want my money back! Fine.
Here's exactly what you paid me.
Thank you! Oh! Why is this happening? Uh, this epoxy you've been using is water soluble, which means it's not weather-resistant.
Dumb it down for me.
Um bike sticky water go bye-bye? Some sticky water stay-stay? All bye-bye.
Oh! Hi, Nelson.
Lisa, I've been thinking and (metal clanking) It fell apart when I was trying to impress this cute girl.
My gramma! Maybe I could use a little more school.
You can't break us up.
We're like a family here.
Kearney and I are having brunch on Sunday.
If I'm up.
Listen, what say we go back to the school? I'll help you out with a little micro-financing of my own.
$50! I can buy paint for the art class, instead of those crushed-up berries I find in the woods.
And Lisa, I've got a little left that I'd like to spend on you.
(organ playing waltz) (giggling) This is really fun.
But we're still just friends, right? Right.
Friends.
Can I hold your hand for balance? Sure for balance.
(smooching) (squeals) Haw-haw! Sorry.
Haw-haw! (laughs) Sorry.
Oh! (grunts) Whoa! Oh! "Mark Zuckerberg is" (thudding) NELSON: Haw-haw! LISA: Sorry.