Family Guy s23e10 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's a Fam ily Guy! ♪
Let's see, Hemingway, Tolstoy, Dickens.
Oh, there's my iPad.
Thank God. Some nerd
must've been using it.
Hi, everybody.
You know how when you go
on Hulu to watch Family Guy,
you got to scroll past
a bunch of little boxes?
Well, it turns out,
those are other TV shows.
TV shows that I'd never heard of
until they step up onstage
to accept their Emmy,
for which we were not nominated.
Well, tonight, we're gonna
click on three of them.
This first one has Steve Martin,
Martin Short and Selena Gomez.
So, if you were born in 1950 or 2005,
you're gonna see your favorite actor.
Now, please enjoy Only
Murders in the Building.
♪
[INTENSE CLUB MUSIC PLAYING]
Drink it. It's just pop.
There's a pill on top.
Oh, wait, it's gone now.
♪
No, no, no, no. This isn't a
dark Netflix show, all right?
Our murders are solved by
the Father of the Bride.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
I don't know, maybe
learn to be a better host.
All four of your
guests are sound asleep.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- Hello, Charles.
- Hello, Oliver.
This is the type of banter
the show's known for.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- Who's that?
- I don't know, but she's got
430 million followers on Instagram.
Ah. What's Instagram?
What's Insta How on
earth are we on a streamer?
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Brr. Ugh, let me just shake off
this obviously fake,
"only on the shoulders" New York snow.
You guys all coming from
the Statue of Liberty, too?
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Man, what a great day
to be and stay alive.
Wow, really? Back-to-back
elevator scenes?
Yeah, this show is, like, 40% elevator.
Well, good night.
- [PETER SCREAMS]
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
My goodness, what happened here?
Sorry, folks, there was an
only murder in this building.
Ooh, a murder. I've got goosebumps.
- Me, too.
- Yeah, those are shingles.
You're 70. I told you to
get the shot, you dope.
Well, looks like they don't
want people meddling in there.
What do you think, should
we banjo our way in?
No, no, no, no, that's for
your time, not our time.
He had one inside.
- [ALL GASP]
- It looks like someone tried to eat him.
Do you think it was
someone in the building?
I think I know who did it.
It must've been my creepy
next-door neighbor, Jeff.
Dahmer? Jeffy D.?
Really? But he's so cool.
You don't understand,
I can hear screams
coming from his apartment.
Look, Glenda, we
appreciate your concern,
but Jeff is just a harmless weirdo.
So what if he watches
a lot of horror movies
and cooks a lot of pork chops?
We all picked up weird
hobbies over the pandemic.
I'm telling you, there's something bad
going on in apartment 2B.
Uh-huh. Look, thanks for stopping by,
but why don't you
leave this investigation
to the non-professionals?
Hey, didn't you get
reprimanded by the co-op board
for being inappropriate
with the doorman?
The third-party arbitrator
said it's not illegal
to tell someone when you're
going to the gym. Good day.
Question: Should we exploit
this tragedy with a podcast?
Somebody say "podcast"?
If you guys are doing
a murder pod, I want in.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what makes you think
you're qualified to
make a murder podcast?
I'm a millennial woman
with nothing else going on.
Uh, crap, she's got us there.
Bland, 30-year-old women
are the Navy SEALs of murder podcasting.
What do you think? Do we include her?
Well, we do need someone
- who can turn the computer on.
- [BOTH] You're in.
♪
All right, our neighbor
was murdered in cold blood,
and he deserves justice.
There's no time to waste.
We must decide what our
podcast voices are going to be.
I was thinking of
taking
unnatural pauses where
normal people don't take them.
Yeah, I thought I could speak
way too close to the microphone
with a very wet mouth.
[SMACKS LIPS] Mm.
I can be the female on the podcast
who laughs at everything the guys say.
Do they always have one of those?
[LAUGHS] That's hilarious.
- [LAUGHS]
- We're good to go.
- Where do we start?
- Well, wasn't Glenda
trying to tell us something about Jeff?
Maybe we should follow up on that.
Jeffrey Dahmer? Of course.
He always has great ideas.
That's right. He sent that great email
about how to get blood stains
out of your power tools.
Let's see what he thinks.
Hi. Oh, uh, sorry.
I was making pork chops.
Hey, Jeff. So sorry to bug you,
but you haven't heard anything
about Tim's murder, have you?
What? Tim's dead?
But he was so delicious. I mean, young.
I mean, I-I haven't heard anything.
Aw, nuts. Well, we're worried
the killer might strike again,
so here's a list of vulnerable people
in the building who live alone.
Would you mind keeping an eye on them?
A lot of them don't have families.
If something happened to
them, they would not be missed.
Uh, yeah, sure.
[LAUGHS] I will definitely
do something like that.
Say, anybody have a spare bone
saw charger I could borrow?
Ugh, man, those things
are so easy to lose.
If I had a nickel, you know?
I do. I know about nickels.
Uh, I see your naked roommate
is trying to climb out the window.
Looks like you've got your hands full.
If you hear anything, give
us a ring-a-ding-ding, eh?
Are you out of your minds?
Jeffrey is obviously the killer.
Didn't you see the blood on his shirt?
And look at the garbage
he left in the hallway.
- [FLIES BUZZING]
- [PERSON COUGHS]
So he's a little messy. That's
no reason to point fingers.
I don't believe this.
All the clues are right in
front of you. Can't you see?
You know what I see?
I see a hostile neighbor
who's emotionally unstable
and prone to outbursts.
Why, that fits the
profile of a murderer.
[GRUNTING]
[SCOFFS] Look how many people
are out here in bathrobes.
I know it's the middle of the night,
but, come on, make an effort.
You're making a mistake.
The murderer is
obviously Jeffrey Dahmer,
and he'll kill again.
[LAUGHS]
No, no, no, no. Not
Netflix. Hulu ending.
♪
Statue of Liberty, my good man.
So, Jeff, is there a Mrs. Dahmer?
- Ew. No.
- [DRINK FIZZING]
Oh, Jeff brought
suspiciously fizzy roadies.
Here's to a murder well solved.
New York, New York,
it's a wonderful town ♪
The Bronx is up, and
the Battery's down ♪
The people ride in
a hole in the ground. ♪
Hi, there. Our next show
answers the question:
What if you could walk into a drugstore
and test yourself for AIDS
right next to a shelf full
of leftover Valentine's candy?
Ladies and gentlemen,
please enjoy The Dropout.
♪
So, you can probably
tell from my Razor scooter
that I'm in tech.
I even got a scooter for the building.
Yes, of course, and I love
your hip, modern offices.
Thanks. I didn't want
my employees' ideas
constrained by old paradigms
like "walls" and "desks".
[FARTS]
So, what are your qualifications?
Well, I dropped out of
Stanford after six days.
All I heard was Stanford.
Now, this idea of yours, does it "rupt"?
No. It disrupts.
Tell me everything.
Well, I believe every
person deserves to know
which Sex and the City
character they are.
And until now, the only
way to find that out
was to either draw a
full gallon of blood
or take a lengthy BuzzFeed quiz.
You mean, there's a better way?
With just one drop of
blood, my device can tell you
if you're a Samantha, a Miranda,
or even Magda, the uptight housekeeper.
Ms. Holmes, I can easily say
that's the worst idea I've ever heard.
Oh, really? Well, what if I
[DEEP VOICE] pitch it like this?
Oh, my God. This is a
complete game "stay the samer."
I mean, game changer.
That-That's the good one.
Tell you what, if you
pitch it one more time
with your eyes really wide
like a lunatic owl, I'm in.
Science.
[PERSON FARTS]
[TOILET FLUSHES]
I'm thinking maybe one wall.
♪
Thank you all for joining
me on this exciting journey.
And you're all here on the ground floor.
I decided to name the company
after our two founding principles:
Quizzes and diagnosis.
- I'm so excited!
- This is going great.
I helped set up the projector.
Our mission is to develop a machine
that can run diagnostic tests
with just one drop of blood.
I got it to work with two drops.
Two drops is garbage. You're fired.
Get out of my office.
Now, I don't have to tell you
just how groundbreaking
it is for a woman
to be running a company
like this in Silicon Valley.
Sorry I'm late, I was
disrupting the toilet.
Don't mind me, I don't even work here,
but I am now your king.
Everyone, this is Sunny.
He's a middle-aged man I met
in India when I was a teenager.
He is my father figure,
business partner, mentor, lover,
- and we share a Hulu password.
- Uhp, uhp, uhp, uhp, uhp, uhp.
Like I was saying, Elizabeth
is definitely in charge.
Also, we're pivoting
away from Sex and the City
and doing Sopranos characters instead.
[NORMAL VOICE] What? No, n
[DEEP VOICE] No. No. No. That's not
All right, back to work.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna google where
to put your outside leg
during office couch sex.
Oh, of course. Never
would've thought of that.
Elizabeth, can I see you on
the office couch for a moment?
♪
How's the Sopranos blood
profiler coming along?
Still not working.
It says I'm the horny priest
who has lunch with Carmela,
and that's just
th-there's no way.
But we got the big presentation
for Walgreens tomorrow.
This isn't CVS, where they throw you out
for staring at the
Maybelline posters too long.
Can you get it working by tomorrow?
Honestly, I'm a little
over my head here.
I applied for a receptionist job,
and you guys put me back here.
- What are we gonna do?
- We just need to get
to the next round of funding.
The machine doesn't have to really work,
they just have to think it works.
Are you saying we do fraud?
No, no, no, it's not fraud
because the machine works in my head.
If I think it works, then it works.
That's the Silicon Valley motto.
Just let me and Elizabeth
worry about the presentation.
Now, if you'll excuse us,
we're gonna go get in
our self-driving car
and mow down dogs all the way home.
♪
[CHUCKLES] Well, thanks
for having us, Ms. Holmes.
We think your product
might be a great addition
to our chain of drugstores.
Just keep in mind, I
may have to duck out
if somebody needs to get
into the eyedrops case.
Well, we won't take up
too much of your time.
I'm sure you are going
to find our machine
is a perfect fit for your stores.
Eh, I don't know about that.
We already have a
machine from Dr. Scholl's
that tells you whether or
not you need Dr. Scholl's.
I don't see medical science
getting much more
sophisticated than that.
Gentlemen, people used to say
it was impossible to run tests
on a single drop of blood.
Well, I fired those
people and hired new ones.
And now, behold.
[DEVICE CHIMES]
Ooh! Science noise.
With just one drop of blood,
our device can tell you
exactly which Sopranos character
you are without having
to take a dumb quiz
written by a social media intern.
Why Sopranos?
Because my company
- is like a criminal enterprise.
- All right.
And for no particular reason,
I'm gonna be behind this curtain
for the entire demonstration.
All we need is a tiny blood sample.
[DEVICE CHIMING]
Ooh, it's doing stuff.
This says, "Artie Bucco". Who's that?
- [PETER] Bald guy at the restaurant.
- Oh, yeah.
He and Tony were friends growing up.
Ah, right, right, right.
I'm not sure this machine is for us.
Just a sec, let me, uh,
recalibrate something.
[DEVICE CHIMING]
"Tony". All right. Now
this is [BLEEP] Walgreens.
♪
Members of the Quizznos family,
thanks to you, the
device is a huge success.
All the Walgreens executives love it.
In fact, the company ordered
an additional 80,000 machines.
I told them we'd have
them ready by 2:30 today.
It's 2:05, so chop-chop.
Wait. I know why people
love the machine so much.
It's giving out too
many false positives.
Just look at the data.
It's telling everyone they're a Tony.
[CHUCKLES] Look, wh
when you're blazing new trails,
you are bound to hit
a few speed bumps along the way.
It's impossible for there to
be only Tonys walking around.
In an office with this many ponytails,
- there's not one Furio?
- [OFFICE WORKER] Who's Furio?
[PETER] He was the hit man from Italy
who Carmela fell in
love with in season four.
[OFFICE WORKER] Oh, right, right, right.
Now, now, we've had a few hiccups,
but I assure you, the problem is solved.
The machine is finally
giving accurate results.
Oh, yeah? We'll see about that.
[DEVICE CHIMING]
"Meadow's boyfriend Finn"?
But he's the worst one.
[PETER GIGGLES]
Oh, my God, we've been faking
the results this whole time.
- Tony?
- Oh, cool. I always thought I was a Tony
No, no. This whole
operation has been a sham!
And as for you
Why did you do it?
Childhood abuse or drug dependency,
I'll-I'll see what my
lawyer tells me to say.
Welcome back. Our next show is The Bear
because they wouldn't
let us do Pam & Tommy
with Stewie as the penis. Not a joke.
Anyway, here's The Bear, a
show of which I am a huge fan.
[CHRIS] I'm the fan.
You've never even seen it.
I know how to make a
sandwich and yell at people,
it'll be fine.
♪
- Well, look who's back in town.
- That's right.
Sure is weird being back
in the old family restaurant
- here in Detroit
- Chicago.
Chicago, but I am super sad
- about how my daughter
- Brother.
- Brother committed grand larceny
- Suicide.
Yep. I-I only watched a trailer.
Anyway, now that he's dead,
I can finally fulfill my dream
of turning this place
into a Johnny Rockets
and/or the fancy
restaurant from Ratatouille.
I kind of feel like you
got to pick a direction.
We're doing both.
Great words won't cover ugly actions ♪
Good frames won't save bad paintings ♪
Whoo ♪
We lack the motion ♪
To move to the new. ♪
Yeah. You can tell I'm good at cheffing
because of all the quick
edits and loud music.
Mm. The previous chef only cooked
with fewer edits and quieter music,
so, therefore, I resent this change.
Well, get on board 'cause
that's how we're doing it now.
Bad news, Chef, we're out of I
I don't I want to say beef?
Yes, beef.
You people are unbelievable.
Oh, boy, now what do I do?
Well, if you've got
any oven jeans to sell,
this is the time.
You told me you had a supply
of vintage denim to sell.
This is just a Winnie
the Pooh varsity jacket.
You want it or not? I got a lot
of people who are interested.
I [STRAINS]
No. I don't want it.
What if I told you there's condoms
in every pocket of that bad boy?
I'd say you just got yourself
40 pounds of trunk beef.
♪
Wow, Chef, you've really
turned this place upside down.
Yes, even I have been
reluctantly won over.
Well, it's just in time
for the big Chicago
food critic who's coming.
He's the biggest food
critic in all of Chicago.
Oh, yeah, they call him
"Mr. Chicago Food Guy".
Anyone who gets a bad
review from him is executed,
Chicago-style.
Guys, if you didn't want to do The Bear,
just say so, but whatever this is
All I know is this
hectic kitchen of ours
sure is different from the
fancy, hoity-toity restaurant
in New York where I used to work,
of which we will now see a flashback.
Is this food tiny enough
for rich New Yorkers, Chef?
- Plate bigger, food tinier, Chef.
- Yes, Chef.
It should look like two grains
of rice served on a door.
Yes, Chef.
You call this tiny food?
This food is enormous.
You're terrible at this, Chef.
I'm sorry, Chef. I'll do better, Chef.
The woman at table 35 wants
a sausage for her buns.
That was a sex joke,
say "giggity," Chef.
[STAMMERS] Giggity, Chef.
You'll never make it in the
New York restaurant scene,
which is understood to be
the fanciest even though
when you say "New
York," people immediately
- think of street hot dogs.
- Yes, Chef.
And where's your hair net?
Oh, I-I thought it was sexy underwear.
- There's no leg holes.
- I know.
I just bagged it like
grocery store onions.
Juxtaposition.
Anyway, I got us fresh sourdough
for the big Chicago food critic.
No, that was the old way.
We're doing just King's Hawaiian rolls.
I think we should stick with sourdough.
No! Only cake bread!
Wet beef on cake!
That's my Chicago!
Speaking of which, I think
it's time for several shots
of an elevated train with a
lot of clickity-clack noises.
♪
Chicago!
♪
All right, big day today, Chefs.
Since that critic is coming,
everything needs to go exactly right.
Here he is!
All right, signed photo of Rick Moranis.
Off to a good start.
Welcome to the restaurant from The Bear.
We saved you our best table.
Joe, what-what are you doing here?
Oh, I heard we were
doing a special episode,
so I decided to drop in as my favorite
FX-next-day-on-Hulu character:
Raylan Givens from
Justified: City Primeval.
You can't just say a bunch of words
and think they make a sentence.
Oh, you kidding me? It's huge on Hulu.
Top 100 for sure. Easy.
At least top 200.
- Easy.
- Joe, get out of here.
I'm trying to get a baby
critic to like my wet beef.
Oh, I'm so sorry, then just say that.
All right, good news, while
you two were messing around,
I tried all the food.
And I'm going to give a
great review to The Bear.
Okay, time-out. What is "The Bear"?
Wha? Is this restaurant "The Bear"?
- Am I "The Bear"?
- I-I thought the idea was
restaurant ownership, you know,
more generally, is "a bear".
Oh, okay, all right, that makes sense.
Chris, you've seen the show.
Who or what is "The Bear"?
Well, your last name is "Berzatto,"
so "bear."
Okay, so it is me. I'm Bear.
People call me "The Bear"?
Yeah, they kind of don't though.
But in season two, there's a restaurant
also called "The Bear."
All right, so I'm feeling
like you have not answered
my question at all,
but just so I'm clear:
I'm the main guy, right?
I-I'm the guy who sort of
looks like a hot Gene Wilder?
- Oh, does he?
- Yeah. Yeah, let's pull him up.
See, look at that, can't you see,
like, a kind of CrossFit Willy Wonka?
[STEWIE] No, no, we're
not taking shots at hi.
He's an FX-next-day-on-Hulu star.
Let's bring up the MyPillow guy
[CHRIS] He looks like a guy
whose Discover card just bounced.
[PETER] Or a guy who takes
solo trips to Thailand.
[CLEVELAND] That guy your mom
dated too soon after the divorce.
[JOE] The driver's ed instructor
you've heard whispers about.
[CHRIS] He's definitely burned
his hand on a Benihana grill.
[LOIS] The reason nine women
have just broken their silenc.
[STEWIE] He looks like
he belongs in the front
and back seat of a police car.
[JOE] He looks like a
guy who boards in Group 3
even though he's in Group 8.
[LOIS] He looks like a guy
who's not allowed to talk
to his wife's sister.
[PETER] Or a male nurse that interrupts
a family's final moments.
Maybe this, maybe this is "The Bear".
I don't get why you're dead-set
against doing this show.
What are you afraid of?
I don't know. I'm-I'm
just confused by all of it.
When I was a kid, it was
just ladies that cooked.
And guys with tattoos lived on ships.
Okay? That's what makes sense to me.
This has been Da Bear.
Well, we hope you had fun tonight
with some of Hulu's best offerings.
I know we sure did.
But before we go, let's
take a moment to remember
some of the streaming services
that are no longer with us.
I will remember you ♪
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Will you remember me? ♪
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)