Family Guy s23e12 Episode Script
One Foot in Front of the Mother
1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's a Fam ily Guy! ♪
Well, it took 100 pounds of rice,
but you're almost done,
Jessica Chast-grain.
What's that? You want
me to run away with you?
But what about your husband,
Gian Luca Pasi de Preposulo?
[LAUGHING] Yeah,
Italian names are stupid.
[LOUD BARKING]
Ah, damn it! I'm gonna kill you, Brian!
Nice.
[BARKING LOUDLY]
What the hell's going on over here?
You've been barking all morning!
Yeah, you're welcome. I'm
protecting the neighborhood.
I heard from a dog,
who heard from a dog,
who heard from another dog
that he saw a pack of
coyotes on Spooner Street.
There are no coyotes on Spooner Street.
And your barking is driving
me crazy, so just stop.
I can't! And trust me,
my bark is the only thing
keeping these predators at bay.
Because if there's one
thing that I will not allow
in this neighborhood, it's predators.
Oh, hey, Mr. Herbert.
How you doing today?
Oh, you know me.
Easy peasy, youngsy boys-y.
Sweet, sweet old fella right there.
Hey, can I talk to you guys about Chris?
I'm really worried about him.
- What's wrong?
- Well, he needs to lose weight.
And his blood pressure's way too high.
I'm afraid he could end up
with serious medical issues.
I mean, maybe even a wheelchair someday.
Hmm. If that were the case,
I wonder if there's people
on Craigslist you can hire
to make that burden go away.
I'm just not sure what's the
best way to get him healthier.
Maybe a guy named Tony Q?
I guess the first thing
I should do is get him
to lose some weight.
Maybe this guy Tony Q's even
cheaper than you'd expect.
[LAUGHS]
Or maybe there's a sport
Chris could get involved in?
You know what? That's a great idea!
After all, sports are in his DNA.
Peter's great-grandfather invented one.
I call it basketball, boys.
Now prepare to be dazzled
by the most thrilling move in my game.
Chest pass!
Hey, that looks like fun. Can I try?
No, no, no, no, no. Just us for a while.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Good afternoon, sir. I'm
looking for a Brian Griffin.
Joe, you've known me for years.
Come on, I got to flop
around for, like, an hour
to get my uniform on, so
let me do the cop thing.
I received an anonymous
complaint about your barking.
It was me, Brian. I was
the anonymous complaint.
This here's a court order that says
you have to wear a bark collar
until the complainant is satisfied
you can obey the local noise ordinance.
Joe, this is a flyer
for your one-man show.
Joe-comotive: The Laughs
Have Left the Station.
Wow, and only five bucks a tick?
I should investigate this
next 'cause that is a steal.
Anyway, the collar's programmed
to give you a severe shock
if you raise your voice
above a certain decibel.
[BEEPS]
- You're wasting your time.
- [GRUNTING]
That's a military-grade collar,
little trickle-down from Gitmo.
And don't bother trying to cut it off.
You won't be able to. It's Kevlar.
Same stuff Republicans want
our kids to wear to school.
[WHISTLE BLOWS] Joe-comotive.
All that and more, Friday afternoon
at the VFW parking lot.
Chris, your mother asked me
to get you involved in a sport
to help bring your blood pressure down.
Now, you have
what we're no longer allowed
to call "imbecile strength,"
so the first sport we're
going to try is the shot put.
Just take this cannonball thingy,
spin around like a maniac a few times,
and heave it as far as you can.
Seems easy enough.
[GRUNTING]
Oh, no! Your car!
Ha! Who's the pathetic loser
for not having a windshield
now, teens-outside-7-Eleven?
The student you're matched up
against today is Chris Griffin.
He's not much of an
athlete, so go easy on him.
I wonder where he is anyway.
By God, it's the Griffinator
from the top rope!
- Yah!
- [GROANS]
As a husky kid on the spectrum,
this is the only kind
of wrestling I'm into.
You don't have to explain
yourself to me, Chris.
As an adult whose
bath mat is newspapers,
I'm pretty into it, too.
Thanks for trying to
help, Principal Shepherd,
but I'm just not good at anything.
And all that stuff about
carbo-loading is B.S., by the way.
I ate a whole pan of the
milky mac and cheese at lunch,
and it didn't help one bit.
- [STOMACH GROWLING]
- Uh-oh.
Oh, I think the carbs just loaded.
Where's the bathroom?
Uh, the closest one is all
the way across the field.
It's okay. This isn't
my first poop-trot rodeo.
I can clench and hustle.
♪
Chris is using his
hips to generate speed
without dilating his anus.
It's the perfect racewalking form.
Oh, no, the door's locked.
And wow, just wow.
A natural speedwalker with
form unlike any I've ever seen.
What the hell happened to us, Don?
Eight years ago we were
calling Major League Baseball,
and now we're hoping a
teenager will speedwalk by.
And I'll say the quiet part out loud:
No one wants to hire a white guy.
It's been a pleasure, Don.
You've been a life raft
and an anchor, other Don.
♪
So, are we all excited
for Chris's first
racewalking competition?
No, this is gonna be so boring.
Why couldn't Chris play a sport
that's actually interesting?
Oh, Meg, racewalking's
plenty interesting
if you know the first thing about it.
There's rules about
heel and toe placement
as well as leg straightness,
so keep an eye out for the
judge's yellow and red paddles.
Those indicate a warning
or disqualification.
Lois, we can see you
sneak-reading Wikipedia.
All right, since none
of you Gen Z snowflakes
can be trusted around a starting pistol,
listen for the starting kazoo.
On your marks, get set, kazoo!
[QUIETLY] I, um, lost the actual kazoo.
[CHEERING]
You got this.
So it's really just walking, huh?
God, by the time he's done,
I could foster another kid
and raise 'em to play a better sport.
You know what? That's what I'm gonna do.
This is Rebecca, my new ward.
I found her under the overpass
and said she could stay with us
till she gets back on her feet.
Is the race over yet?
Not even close.
Okay, I'm gonna go get
this one a tetanus shot.
I imagine she's quite overdue.
[SNORING]
Rebecca's my girlfriend now, Lois.
She's always felt like
more than a foster,
and we've decided to
explore those feelings.
We bought a condo in Tucson,
so I'll be moving out.
Look, here comes Chris!
♪
Winner!
- [CACKLES]
- Whoo, yeah!
- Great job, honey!
- Yay!
Go, Chris!
Welp, she left me, Lois.
I gave her an ultimatum:
It was me or her tattoo artist,
but our throuple wasn't
healthy for anybody.
She chose him rather quickly.
We sold the condo at a loss, and
she still has my credit cards.
All that's to say I'm ready to
rebuild what you and I once had.
You have to call the companies
and cancel those cards.
I know.
Hey, there he is.
Woof-ie Goldberg, eh?
Arf Vader. [CHUCKLES]
Bark Ruffalo. [LAUGHS]
Yip Ah, yeah, I should've
stopped on that last one.
So, how you doing with that thing?
I'm doing just fine, Stewie.
I am in total control of my barking.
Well, that's good, because the fat man
finally fixed that broken doorbell,
and you know that always gets your goat.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [PETER] Is it working?
Did I do good?
[DOORBELL RINGING REPEATEDLY]
[BARKS] Ow, damn it!
[BARKS] Ow!
- [DOORBELL STOPS]
- [PANTING]
Oh, God, that was awful.
[PETER] Oh, locked myself
out. Anybody in there?
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [BARKS]
[YELLS]
[PETER] Oh, wait, I got a key.
Someone I know is home!
[BARKS] Ow!
Someone I know is home!
[BARKS] Ow!
Hey, honey, I was just
telling Bonnie and Donna
what a star you've become on
your new team, huh? [CHUCKLES]
Hey, I got an idea.
Do you want to take a stroll with us?
First off, don't call it
a stroll, it's insulting,
and a little heads-up:
If we do any photos,
you got to tape over that Skechers logo.
I'm a Rockport athlete.
When your joints are such a disaster,
even dress shoes need
air pocket technology,
it's Rockport.
This next hill is really
gonna test our mettle,
so why don't you ladies draft
off me until we get to the top?
Now, who remembers what to do
when we get to the intersection?
Walk in place like a lunatic
who's clearly using this mild exercise
to keep their own demons at bay?
Why, Bonnie Swanson, if
I didn't know any better,
I'd swear I was racewalking
gold medalists Maurizio Damilano
or Ivano Brugnetti.
[CHUCKLING]
Italian names are so stupid.
So, Brian, what can I do for you?
Come here to beg to
have that collar removed?
Oh, this thing?
It's actually been such a nonissue,
I forgot I was wearing it,
but since you brought it up,
I feel like my barking is
really under control now,
so we can have Joe take it off
[SHUSHES]
Do you hear that?
That's peace and quiet.
[INHALES]
[EXHALES]
Wh-What-what was that?
D-Did you just smell the silence?
Why, yes, I did, Brian. Yes, I did.
Okay, fine, you were right.
I was being a loud,
annoying jerk, and I'm sorry.
Please have Joe take this off.
Why do you think I like
cats so much, Brian?
- 1980s Fancy Feast ads?
- 1980s Fancy Feast ads,
but what I really love about
cats is how quiet they are.
They don't bark, they purr.
Okay, so what's your point?
I want to hear you purr.
I-I can't. I won't.
Say, how do you think a squirrel feeder
would look in my front yard?
R-Right there, right there,
in full view of your house.
[SIGHS] Okay, fine.
Purr.
[LAUGHS] Oh, you can
do better than that.
Ugh, all right.
[PURRS]
There. Now will you call Joe?
What do you think, Miss Kitty-Witty?
Was that a good purr?
- [HISSES]
- [BARKING]
- Ow!
- Sorry, Brian, she says no.
And when a woman says no in this house,
it means no, as of March 5, 2018.
♪
[SNORING]
[BEEPS]
What the hell? [SHOUTS]
Ha, ha. [SHOUTS]
Ha, ha. [SHOUTS]
♪
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Wow, what are you ladies doing here?
We-we didn't have a walk planned today.
Oh, we're here for Chris.
What?
Chris, when'd you make
plans with Bonnie and Donna?
It was on the group text.
- Well, I-I didn't see a group text.
- Oh.
Well, give me a sec, I'll grab my shoes.
Actually, Lois, today we're
going to Three-Wide Park.
You know, that park where the trails
are only three people wide?
But you said your fibromyalgia
is acting up, anyway.
Yeah, but I don't actually
have fibromyalgia. Nobody does.
You just say that to get out
of stuff you don't want to do.
Wh Couldn't we just
walk, you know, two and two?
Officer Threewide didn't die
in a tragic freeway accident
so we could dishonor his memory.
Did you see that, Peter?
Chris just went out for the
afternoon with my friends,
and not one of them
thought to include me.
Ugh, so brutal.
Hey, what do you say we go
upstairs and I cheer you up?
Oh, honey, I would, but my
fibromyalgia's on fire today.
Oh, dear, never mind.
There's commercials for
that, so I know it's real.
Sorry I'm late. Me, Bon, and Don
that's Bonnie and
Donna were in the zone
on this morning's walk.
Oh, is that right?
- Oh.
- What "oh"?
Oh, nothing, it's just
me, 'Nie, and 'Na
that's also Bonnie and Donna
we're doing a vegan challenge.
[PHONE CHIMES]
"Excuse me, sir?
Would you like some breakfast
with your cholesterol?"
Chris, what the hell is this?
[CHUCKLES] Uh, sorry. Wrong-wrong chat.
You know, I got to say, I'm not crazy
about all this time you're
spending with Bonnie and Donna.
What? Why? I like them.
Because they're my
middle-aged, female friends,
and lately, it's like
they enjoy hanging out
with my teenage son more than me.
It's inappropriate.
We only started getting along
'cause they like how
I'm good at walking,
which you told me to get into.
I know, I know, and I'm
happy you're healthier,
but now you, Bonnie and Donna
are doing things without me,
and texting about the food I make.
What?
[CHUCKLES] We don't do that.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- Hey, how do you spell "uncoagulated"?
Like, like, if something
wasn't cooked nearly enough?
♪
Where the hell is Brian Griffin?
Sorry, Quagmire, I didn't catch that.
Could you speak up?
No, I can't, because
if I raise my voice,
I get freaking electrocuted.
I have never been so furious.
Take this off right now.
No way. This is payback, you dick.
I swear to God, I will choke you out
with your own tail.
Yeah, I'd like to see you
try, you sad, lonely douche.
[SIGHS]
Where'd you get one of
these things, anyway?
Eh, Joe leaves his cruiser unlocked.
It was on the front seat.
Hey, that's not cool, Brian.
Those collars aren't easy to replace.
Unlike Congressional seats,
you can't just go out and buy one.
- [TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
- Joe-comotive, next stop: Good times.
Now available for all private events.
♪
[LAUGHTER]
A café gaggle without me?
Well, you know what I might do
and I think I'm getting this right
I might just take the
morning-way-after pill,
and then, poof, he's gone.
Oh, hey, fam.
Oh, God, there's my mom.
Wait, but if she's here,
then who's at home doing
the nothing all day?
[LAUGHTER]
Chris, you're terrible.
So, what are we dishing about?
Janet's husband
- I love him.
- hit her.
You're kind of painted
into a corner now, Mom.
I-Is this chair being used?
Yes. For Donna's purse.
Oh, Kate Spade.
You know she killed herself, right?
[GASPING]
Well, geez, Mom.
What exactly do you think passes
as acceptable brunch conversation?
It's lady talk, Chris, you don't get it.
Oh, speaking of, I know
we said no more presents
after we all got taken in that
gifting table Ponzi scheme,
but I could not help myself.
I got tickets to Magic Mike Live.
[GASPS]
Oh, sorry, Chris,
you I didn't get one for
you because I just assumed,
you know, it wasn't
exactly up your alley.
Well, you assumed right.
The Quahog production
is family-friendly.
They only do the parts where
Magic Mike works odd jobs
to secure a business
loan for furniture making.
Oh.
Uh, say, I was about to get a latte.
Uh, who wants one? My treat.
Actually, we were just leaving.
We're going to Mount
Quahog so Chris can show us
how to walk while taking
a business call on AirPods.
If you're not at a
volume that ruins nature
for everyone else,
you're doing it wrong.
Okay, enough. I am sick of you two
being so enamored with my dope son.
Ever since he joined that stupid team,
he's prancing around like
some sort of fitness guru,
and you two eat it up with a spoon.
Well, I'm gonna prove Chris
is the same little turd
he was a week ago by
beating him in a race walk
and setting all of this
back to the way it was.
Hey, that's a Kate Spade bag.
You know she killed herself, right?
Stop it.
See? They get it.
♪
I hope that extra-strength
trash bag commercial
was exaggerating what happens
if you use the leading brand.
Aw, they weren't exaggerating.
Look at this: Covered in rabbit stew.
[SIGHS] The curse of cooking for one
is always the leftovers for many.
[SNARLING]
Oh, my God, coyotes. Brian was right.
Listen to me. "Brian was right."
I bet hell just froze over.
[EXHALES] It's freezing in here.
You were just hot two seconds ago.
Well, now I'm cold.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Who's that?
You knew my sister was coming.
[BOTH SCREAM]
[ANNOUNCER] Hell: Her
sister's here, too.
♪
Help. Help.
[DISTANT] Help.
Somebody's in trouble at Quagmire's.
["AXEL F" PLAYING DISCORDANTLY]
And somebody's having a really hard time
with "Axel F" on the keyboard.
♪
[JOE IN DISTANCE] It's
quite a mountain to climb,
but, oh, what a view.
♪
[SNARLS]
[BRIAN] Hey. Back off.
♪
Brian, what are you
doing? Get out of here
or they'll tear us both apart.
Don't worry, Quagmire,
I know what I'm doing.
[SNARLING]
[YELLS]
[YELLS]
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS]
[COYOTES WHIMPERING]
Brian, you saved my life.
But why? I-I've been
a total dick all week.
Because I'm a dog,
and it's my duty to
protect this neighborhood.
We might hate each other,
but as long as you live next door,
you'll always be safe,
on Spooner Street.
They got me, Daddy!
Take the extra Slim Jims
out of your socks, Junior!
Take the Slim Jims out of your socks!
♪
Okay, so we're all clear on the rules?
- No running?
- No running, yeah.
Okay, on your marks, get set,
- kazoo!
- [CHEERING]
[CHRISTOPHER WALKEN] Hello,
I'm Oscar-winning actor
and often-impersonated
Christopher Walken,
here to announce this walking race.
Am I really him? I'm
not even sure anymore.
Strangers come up to me
doing better mes than me,
and I say, "Hey, that's me,"
but invariably, I learn it is not me.
I'm me, I think.
Look at them hoofing it
through the streets of Q'hog.
That's some mighty fine
walkin', and I should know.
Pause for laughter.
And look out up ahead,
because there's a patch of wet cement
that has been freshly smoothed
by a very satisfied ethnic worker.
"Oh, come on," says the man,
slamming his trowel into the wet cement,
further damaging it.
♪
[SHOUTS, GRUNTING]
[WALKEN] Oh, no, he's
injured his hamstring.
Dramatic music.
♪
Congratulations, Mom.
- You beat me fair and square.
- [WALKEN] Said Chris.
No, Mr. Walken,
w-we're-we're done with you.
Christopher, you lost on
purpose, didn't you? Why?
Because I want you
to win this race, Mom.
You looked out for me by
getting me involved in sports,
now I'm looking out for you.
You need Bonnie and
Donna more than I do.
Aw, thank you, Chris.
Also, adult female friends swap nudes
way less than I was led to believe.
Like, basically never.
And that was not an insignificant part
of my involvement in this charade.
I just wanted to tell you again, Chris,
I really appreciate what you
did for me with Bonnie and Donna.
It's all right, Mom.
Once I realized that
being in a woman friendship
didn't involve the sending
back and forth of nudes,
I was kind of over it.
Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that before.
Well, that's how important it is to me.
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's a Fam ily Guy! ♪
Well, it took 100 pounds of rice,
but you're almost done,
Jessica Chast-grain.
What's that? You want
me to run away with you?
But what about your husband,
Gian Luca Pasi de Preposulo?
[LAUGHING] Yeah,
Italian names are stupid.
[LOUD BARKING]
Ah, damn it! I'm gonna kill you, Brian!
Nice.
[BARKING LOUDLY]
What the hell's going on over here?
You've been barking all morning!
Yeah, you're welcome. I'm
protecting the neighborhood.
I heard from a dog,
who heard from a dog,
who heard from another dog
that he saw a pack of
coyotes on Spooner Street.
There are no coyotes on Spooner Street.
And your barking is driving
me crazy, so just stop.
I can't! And trust me,
my bark is the only thing
keeping these predators at bay.
Because if there's one
thing that I will not allow
in this neighborhood, it's predators.
Oh, hey, Mr. Herbert.
How you doing today?
Oh, you know me.
Easy peasy, youngsy boys-y.
Sweet, sweet old fella right there.
Hey, can I talk to you guys about Chris?
I'm really worried about him.
- What's wrong?
- Well, he needs to lose weight.
And his blood pressure's way too high.
I'm afraid he could end up
with serious medical issues.
I mean, maybe even a wheelchair someday.
Hmm. If that were the case,
I wonder if there's people
on Craigslist you can hire
to make that burden go away.
I'm just not sure what's the
best way to get him healthier.
Maybe a guy named Tony Q?
I guess the first thing
I should do is get him
to lose some weight.
Maybe this guy Tony Q's even
cheaper than you'd expect.
[LAUGHS]
Or maybe there's a sport
Chris could get involved in?
You know what? That's a great idea!
After all, sports are in his DNA.
Peter's great-grandfather invented one.
I call it basketball, boys.
Now prepare to be dazzled
by the most thrilling move in my game.
Chest pass!
Hey, that looks like fun. Can I try?
No, no, no, no, no. Just us for a while.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Good afternoon, sir. I'm
looking for a Brian Griffin.
Joe, you've known me for years.
Come on, I got to flop
around for, like, an hour
to get my uniform on, so
let me do the cop thing.
I received an anonymous
complaint about your barking.
It was me, Brian. I was
the anonymous complaint.
This here's a court order that says
you have to wear a bark collar
until the complainant is satisfied
you can obey the local noise ordinance.
Joe, this is a flyer
for your one-man show.
Joe-comotive: The Laughs
Have Left the Station.
Wow, and only five bucks a tick?
I should investigate this
next 'cause that is a steal.
Anyway, the collar's programmed
to give you a severe shock
if you raise your voice
above a certain decibel.
[BEEPS]
- You're wasting your time.
- [GRUNTING]
That's a military-grade collar,
little trickle-down from Gitmo.
And don't bother trying to cut it off.
You won't be able to. It's Kevlar.
Same stuff Republicans want
our kids to wear to school.
[WHISTLE BLOWS] Joe-comotive.
All that and more, Friday afternoon
at the VFW parking lot.
Chris, your mother asked me
to get you involved in a sport
to help bring your blood pressure down.
Now, you have
what we're no longer allowed
to call "imbecile strength,"
so the first sport we're
going to try is the shot put.
Just take this cannonball thingy,
spin around like a maniac a few times,
and heave it as far as you can.
Seems easy enough.
[GRUNTING]
Oh, no! Your car!
Ha! Who's the pathetic loser
for not having a windshield
now, teens-outside-7-Eleven?
The student you're matched up
against today is Chris Griffin.
He's not much of an
athlete, so go easy on him.
I wonder where he is anyway.
By God, it's the Griffinator
from the top rope!
- Yah!
- [GROANS]
As a husky kid on the spectrum,
this is the only kind
of wrestling I'm into.
You don't have to explain
yourself to me, Chris.
As an adult whose
bath mat is newspapers,
I'm pretty into it, too.
Thanks for trying to
help, Principal Shepherd,
but I'm just not good at anything.
And all that stuff about
carbo-loading is B.S., by the way.
I ate a whole pan of the
milky mac and cheese at lunch,
and it didn't help one bit.
- [STOMACH GROWLING]
- Uh-oh.
Oh, I think the carbs just loaded.
Where's the bathroom?
Uh, the closest one is all
the way across the field.
It's okay. This isn't
my first poop-trot rodeo.
I can clench and hustle.
♪
Chris is using his
hips to generate speed
without dilating his anus.
It's the perfect racewalking form.
Oh, no, the door's locked.
And wow, just wow.
A natural speedwalker with
form unlike any I've ever seen.
What the hell happened to us, Don?
Eight years ago we were
calling Major League Baseball,
and now we're hoping a
teenager will speedwalk by.
And I'll say the quiet part out loud:
No one wants to hire a white guy.
It's been a pleasure, Don.
You've been a life raft
and an anchor, other Don.
♪
So, are we all excited
for Chris's first
racewalking competition?
No, this is gonna be so boring.
Why couldn't Chris play a sport
that's actually interesting?
Oh, Meg, racewalking's
plenty interesting
if you know the first thing about it.
There's rules about
heel and toe placement
as well as leg straightness,
so keep an eye out for the
judge's yellow and red paddles.
Those indicate a warning
or disqualification.
Lois, we can see you
sneak-reading Wikipedia.
All right, since none
of you Gen Z snowflakes
can be trusted around a starting pistol,
listen for the starting kazoo.
On your marks, get set, kazoo!
[QUIETLY] I, um, lost the actual kazoo.
[CHEERING]
You got this.
So it's really just walking, huh?
God, by the time he's done,
I could foster another kid
and raise 'em to play a better sport.
You know what? That's what I'm gonna do.
This is Rebecca, my new ward.
I found her under the overpass
and said she could stay with us
till she gets back on her feet.
Is the race over yet?
Not even close.
Okay, I'm gonna go get
this one a tetanus shot.
I imagine she's quite overdue.
[SNORING]
Rebecca's my girlfriend now, Lois.
She's always felt like
more than a foster,
and we've decided to
explore those feelings.
We bought a condo in Tucson,
so I'll be moving out.
Look, here comes Chris!
♪
Winner!
- [CACKLES]
- Whoo, yeah!
- Great job, honey!
- Yay!
Go, Chris!
Welp, she left me, Lois.
I gave her an ultimatum:
It was me or her tattoo artist,
but our throuple wasn't
healthy for anybody.
She chose him rather quickly.
We sold the condo at a loss, and
she still has my credit cards.
All that's to say I'm ready to
rebuild what you and I once had.
You have to call the companies
and cancel those cards.
I know.
Hey, there he is.
Woof-ie Goldberg, eh?
Arf Vader. [CHUCKLES]
Bark Ruffalo. [LAUGHS]
Yip Ah, yeah, I should've
stopped on that last one.
So, how you doing with that thing?
I'm doing just fine, Stewie.
I am in total control of my barking.
Well, that's good, because the fat man
finally fixed that broken doorbell,
and you know that always gets your goat.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [PETER] Is it working?
Did I do good?
[DOORBELL RINGING REPEATEDLY]
[BARKS] Ow, damn it!
[BARKS] Ow!
- [DOORBELL STOPS]
- [PANTING]
Oh, God, that was awful.
[PETER] Oh, locked myself
out. Anybody in there?
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [BARKS]
[YELLS]
[PETER] Oh, wait, I got a key.
Someone I know is home!
[BARKS] Ow!
Someone I know is home!
[BARKS] Ow!
Hey, honey, I was just
telling Bonnie and Donna
what a star you've become on
your new team, huh? [CHUCKLES]
Hey, I got an idea.
Do you want to take a stroll with us?
First off, don't call it
a stroll, it's insulting,
and a little heads-up:
If we do any photos,
you got to tape over that Skechers logo.
I'm a Rockport athlete.
When your joints are such a disaster,
even dress shoes need
air pocket technology,
it's Rockport.
This next hill is really
gonna test our mettle,
so why don't you ladies draft
off me until we get to the top?
Now, who remembers what to do
when we get to the intersection?
Walk in place like a lunatic
who's clearly using this mild exercise
to keep their own demons at bay?
Why, Bonnie Swanson, if
I didn't know any better,
I'd swear I was racewalking
gold medalists Maurizio Damilano
or Ivano Brugnetti.
[CHUCKLING]
Italian names are so stupid.
So, Brian, what can I do for you?
Come here to beg to
have that collar removed?
Oh, this thing?
It's actually been such a nonissue,
I forgot I was wearing it,
but since you brought it up,
I feel like my barking is
really under control now,
so we can have Joe take it off
[SHUSHES]
Do you hear that?
That's peace and quiet.
[INHALES]
[EXHALES]
Wh-What-what was that?
D-Did you just smell the silence?
Why, yes, I did, Brian. Yes, I did.
Okay, fine, you were right.
I was being a loud,
annoying jerk, and I'm sorry.
Please have Joe take this off.
Why do you think I like
cats so much, Brian?
- 1980s Fancy Feast ads?
- 1980s Fancy Feast ads,
but what I really love about
cats is how quiet they are.
They don't bark, they purr.
Okay, so what's your point?
I want to hear you purr.
I-I can't. I won't.
Say, how do you think a squirrel feeder
would look in my front yard?
R-Right there, right there,
in full view of your house.
[SIGHS] Okay, fine.
Purr.
[LAUGHS] Oh, you can
do better than that.
Ugh, all right.
[PURRS]
There. Now will you call Joe?
What do you think, Miss Kitty-Witty?
Was that a good purr?
- [HISSES]
- [BARKING]
- Ow!
- Sorry, Brian, she says no.
And when a woman says no in this house,
it means no, as of March 5, 2018.
♪
[SNORING]
[BEEPS]
What the hell? [SHOUTS]
Ha, ha. [SHOUTS]
Ha, ha. [SHOUTS]
♪
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Wow, what are you ladies doing here?
We-we didn't have a walk planned today.
Oh, we're here for Chris.
What?
Chris, when'd you make
plans with Bonnie and Donna?
It was on the group text.
- Well, I-I didn't see a group text.
- Oh.
Well, give me a sec, I'll grab my shoes.
Actually, Lois, today we're
going to Three-Wide Park.
You know, that park where the trails
are only three people wide?
But you said your fibromyalgia
is acting up, anyway.
Yeah, but I don't actually
have fibromyalgia. Nobody does.
You just say that to get out
of stuff you don't want to do.
Wh Couldn't we just
walk, you know, two and two?
Officer Threewide didn't die
in a tragic freeway accident
so we could dishonor his memory.
Did you see that, Peter?
Chris just went out for the
afternoon with my friends,
and not one of them
thought to include me.
Ugh, so brutal.
Hey, what do you say we go
upstairs and I cheer you up?
Oh, honey, I would, but my
fibromyalgia's on fire today.
Oh, dear, never mind.
There's commercials for
that, so I know it's real.
Sorry I'm late. Me, Bon, and Don
that's Bonnie and
Donna were in the zone
on this morning's walk.
Oh, is that right?
- Oh.
- What "oh"?
Oh, nothing, it's just
me, 'Nie, and 'Na
that's also Bonnie and Donna
we're doing a vegan challenge.
[PHONE CHIMES]
"Excuse me, sir?
Would you like some breakfast
with your cholesterol?"
Chris, what the hell is this?
[CHUCKLES] Uh, sorry. Wrong-wrong chat.
You know, I got to say, I'm not crazy
about all this time you're
spending with Bonnie and Donna.
What? Why? I like them.
Because they're my
middle-aged, female friends,
and lately, it's like
they enjoy hanging out
with my teenage son more than me.
It's inappropriate.
We only started getting along
'cause they like how
I'm good at walking,
which you told me to get into.
I know, I know, and I'm
happy you're healthier,
but now you, Bonnie and Donna
are doing things without me,
and texting about the food I make.
What?
[CHUCKLES] We don't do that.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- Hey, how do you spell "uncoagulated"?
Like, like, if something
wasn't cooked nearly enough?
♪
Where the hell is Brian Griffin?
Sorry, Quagmire, I didn't catch that.
Could you speak up?
No, I can't, because
if I raise my voice,
I get freaking electrocuted.
I have never been so furious.
Take this off right now.
No way. This is payback, you dick.
I swear to God, I will choke you out
with your own tail.
Yeah, I'd like to see you
try, you sad, lonely douche.
[SIGHS]
Where'd you get one of
these things, anyway?
Eh, Joe leaves his cruiser unlocked.
It was on the front seat.
Hey, that's not cool, Brian.
Those collars aren't easy to replace.
Unlike Congressional seats,
you can't just go out and buy one.
- [TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
- Joe-comotive, next stop: Good times.
Now available for all private events.
♪
[LAUGHTER]
A café gaggle without me?
Well, you know what I might do
and I think I'm getting this right
I might just take the
morning-way-after pill,
and then, poof, he's gone.
Oh, hey, fam.
Oh, God, there's my mom.
Wait, but if she's here,
then who's at home doing
the nothing all day?
[LAUGHTER]
Chris, you're terrible.
So, what are we dishing about?
Janet's husband
- I love him.
- hit her.
You're kind of painted
into a corner now, Mom.
I-Is this chair being used?
Yes. For Donna's purse.
Oh, Kate Spade.
You know she killed herself, right?
[GASPING]
Well, geez, Mom.
What exactly do you think passes
as acceptable brunch conversation?
It's lady talk, Chris, you don't get it.
Oh, speaking of, I know
we said no more presents
after we all got taken in that
gifting table Ponzi scheme,
but I could not help myself.
I got tickets to Magic Mike Live.
[GASPS]
Oh, sorry, Chris,
you I didn't get one for
you because I just assumed,
you know, it wasn't
exactly up your alley.
Well, you assumed right.
The Quahog production
is family-friendly.
They only do the parts where
Magic Mike works odd jobs
to secure a business
loan for furniture making.
Oh.
Uh, say, I was about to get a latte.
Uh, who wants one? My treat.
Actually, we were just leaving.
We're going to Mount
Quahog so Chris can show us
how to walk while taking
a business call on AirPods.
If you're not at a
volume that ruins nature
for everyone else,
you're doing it wrong.
Okay, enough. I am sick of you two
being so enamored with my dope son.
Ever since he joined that stupid team,
he's prancing around like
some sort of fitness guru,
and you two eat it up with a spoon.
Well, I'm gonna prove Chris
is the same little turd
he was a week ago by
beating him in a race walk
and setting all of this
back to the way it was.
Hey, that's a Kate Spade bag.
You know she killed herself, right?
Stop it.
See? They get it.
♪
I hope that extra-strength
trash bag commercial
was exaggerating what happens
if you use the leading brand.
Aw, they weren't exaggerating.
Look at this: Covered in rabbit stew.
[SIGHS] The curse of cooking for one
is always the leftovers for many.
[SNARLING]
Oh, my God, coyotes. Brian was right.
Listen to me. "Brian was right."
I bet hell just froze over.
[EXHALES] It's freezing in here.
You were just hot two seconds ago.
Well, now I'm cold.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Who's that?
You knew my sister was coming.
[BOTH SCREAM]
[ANNOUNCER] Hell: Her
sister's here, too.
♪
Help. Help.
[DISTANT] Help.
Somebody's in trouble at Quagmire's.
["AXEL F" PLAYING DISCORDANTLY]
And somebody's having a really hard time
with "Axel F" on the keyboard.
♪
[JOE IN DISTANCE] It's
quite a mountain to climb,
but, oh, what a view.
♪
[SNARLS]
[BRIAN] Hey. Back off.
♪
Brian, what are you
doing? Get out of here
or they'll tear us both apart.
Don't worry, Quagmire,
I know what I'm doing.
[SNARLING]
[YELLS]
[YELLS]
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS]
[COYOTES WHIMPERING]
Brian, you saved my life.
But why? I-I've been
a total dick all week.
Because I'm a dog,
and it's my duty to
protect this neighborhood.
We might hate each other,
but as long as you live next door,
you'll always be safe,
on Spooner Street.
They got me, Daddy!
Take the extra Slim Jims
out of your socks, Junior!
Take the Slim Jims out of your socks!
♪
Okay, so we're all clear on the rules?
- No running?
- No running, yeah.
Okay, on your marks, get set,
- kazoo!
- [CHEERING]
[CHRISTOPHER WALKEN] Hello,
I'm Oscar-winning actor
and often-impersonated
Christopher Walken,
here to announce this walking race.
Am I really him? I'm
not even sure anymore.
Strangers come up to me
doing better mes than me,
and I say, "Hey, that's me,"
but invariably, I learn it is not me.
I'm me, I think.
Look at them hoofing it
through the streets of Q'hog.
That's some mighty fine
walkin', and I should know.
Pause for laughter.
And look out up ahead,
because there's a patch of wet cement
that has been freshly smoothed
by a very satisfied ethnic worker.
"Oh, come on," says the man,
slamming his trowel into the wet cement,
further damaging it.
♪
[SHOUTS, GRUNTING]
[WALKEN] Oh, no, he's
injured his hamstring.
Dramatic music.
♪
Congratulations, Mom.
- You beat me fair and square.
- [WALKEN] Said Chris.
No, Mr. Walken,
w-we're-we're done with you.
Christopher, you lost on
purpose, didn't you? Why?
Because I want you
to win this race, Mom.
You looked out for me by
getting me involved in sports,
now I'm looking out for you.
You need Bonnie and
Donna more than I do.
Aw, thank you, Chris.
Also, adult female friends swap nudes
way less than I was led to believe.
Like, basically never.
And that was not an insignificant part
of my involvement in this charade.
I just wanted to tell you again, Chris,
I really appreciate what you
did for me with Bonnie and Donna.
It's all right, Mom.
Once I realized that
being in a woman friendship
didn't involve the sending
back and forth of nudes,
I was kind of over it.
Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that before.
Well, that's how important it is to me.