South Park s25e05 Episode Script

1
I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks without temptation
Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night
People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!"
Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind
Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine
Dad! Dad, there's this new place
and you can actually
go and shoot each other,
only it's soft BBs and
they're biodegradable,
and the guns are, like, totally real
except you don't actually get hurt,
and it's like paintball
except for there's no mess,
and the stuff all looks totally real,
and it's called Airsoft
and can I get one?
Wha Wha What?
There's an Airsoft field
where everybody plays on teams,
and I promise I'll take
good care of the equipment,
and if you think about it
it's a really great hobby
for team building and
learning communication and
Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa
I was just thinking if you could come
to the Airsoft store with
me Please, please, please,
all my friends already
bought their stuff,
and it's totally a way
for us to play outside
like you always say Come on, please,
only we can't tell mom
cuz she won't understand,
but it's totally safe cuz
you wear eye protection.
Okay, okay, Kyle, breathe.
Here it is! Isn't this cool?!
Airsoft Armory?
Come on, Dad! You gotta check it out!
My God! Is this stuff real?!
No, Dad, it's Airsoft.
It's like paintball,
only it's way cooler
and it just looks totally real.
I-I really don't think your
mom would approve, Kyle.
Dad Please. I'm not a baby anymore.
The other guys They
already got their stuff.
We're playing today!
Can I please just get, like,
an AK-47 and maybe a Glock?
This stuff is expensive.
Is this really how you want
to spend your allowance?
Yeah, yeah! It really is!
These are all, like, legal, right?
Uh, yes, sir.
You see you load these
soft BBs into the guns
and they just kinda sting.
And you can put the soft BBs
into grenades, rocket launchers,
all kinds of stuff.
So it's all totally safe?
Well, I wouldn't
particularly say that
I mean All the stuff is safe,
the guns and grenades
and things but
But not necessarily the people
who mostly play Airsoft
What people mostly play Airsoft?
Teenagers.
Alright, Airsofters, let's listen up.
Before we let you onto the field,
we need to run through
our safety precautions.
- Bruh
- Bruh
We know all the safety stuff
Bruh
First, your Airsoft guns
must all have a red tip
Bruh, we know
Second, there is no full
auto allowed on the field.
Bruh
Third, there is a 500
fps limit for your BBs.
Bruh, can we play now?
If you're hit by a BB,
raise your hand, say "hit,"
and go back to respawn.
Yes already, yes!
Alright, you guys are Team Rogue Wolf.
You'll be playing against
Where is Team Floppy Weiner?
Right here!
What?!
Bruh, no! We aren't
playing with little kids!
Yeah, it'll be too easy!
Alright, fine!
Then we'll split the
kids up on two teams
and each one will
have a teenage partner.
Bruh, seriously?
Kid with the poof ball,
that's your teenager
Bruh.
Green hat kid, that's your teenager
Team B, those are your two teenagers.
Alright, sweet!
Me and Kenny and our teenagers
are gonna smoke you guys!
Go! Go, go, go, go, go!
Come on! This way!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
I got you, Cartman!
You didn't get me.
I totally got you, I
heard it hit your jacket
Say hit and go back to respawn!
You didn't hit me, Kyle!
The BBs bounced off a leaf
or something, 'cause
Okay Okay, hit!
You got me. That was sweet.
I'm outta green gas, you got green gas?!
Yeah, I got some right here, partner!
Bruh! Keep shooting!
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, my God
This is the greatest day
of my [BLEEP] life.
Ow! Ow!
Hit!
Yes! Yes! That was so awesome!
You guys, Airsoft rules!
This is Ow! Hit! Hit!
This is sweet!
- That was so cool!
- The greatest thing like ever!
Dude, I can't believe
we tied! That was epic.
Yeah, well, Team Floppy Weiner
will get you guys next time!
That was seriously the best
time I've had in forever!
Me too! And you know what else is cool?
We all have teenagers now!
I know! My teenager
said he's gonna come over
and show me how to clean my gun!
Cartman, are you okay?
I'm just really happy, you guys
Airsoft is seriously, like,
the greatest thing in the whole world.
Well, here's my house.
Thanks, you guys.
For just a few, brief hours
I forgot how much everything sucks.
Can we promise each other we'll
do Airsoft, like, all the time?
Hell yeah, dude.
We just gotta keep our teenagers happy
and we can play Airsoft all the time.
I love you guys.
Hey, Kyle Uh, how did the Airsoft go?
I took a BB right to the
face with a sniper rifle.
It was so great, Dad.
Are you sure this isn't all a
little too much for you, son?
I'm not a baby anymore, Dad!
Oh, that's probably my teenager!
See ya, Dad. I love you!
I love you, too, Kyle.
I got it!
Gerald why is Kyle
wearing my makeup on his face?
He's just experimenting.
Are you Kyle?
Yeah!
I'm here to drop off Trevor.
He said he's your teenager now.
Yah, that's right!
Okay! Well, good luck.
What time are you picking me up?!
Just gimme a call Don't
make it too soon, though,
because I am going to relax.
Fine, go ahead, I'm glad!
Go away, I don't wanna
see your stupid [BLEEP] face!
Cool, dude, so, uh, you wanna,
like, clean our Airsoft guns?
I'm starving [BLEEP] to death.
Can you make me some [BLEEP] food?!
Like what kind of food do you want?
[BLEEP] leave me alone!
Okay! Okay! Okay!
Hello?
Bruh, how do I make ramen?
Excuse me?
I'm starving, and the
instructions are all stupid.
Oh, is this my teenager?
How's it going, dude?
It's not going!
The ramen's all hard and
I can't eat it like that!
Well, you have to put the
noodles in boiling water.
Where do I get water?
You Do you have a sink?
Bruh.
Bruh, what?
I'm sorry I'm not a five star chef!
Hey, man, it's cool. Lemme uh
Lemme slow it down for ya.
That one right there! Take him out!
Dude, Swamp Sniper rules.
Hello?
What What are you doing, dude?
I need a bathroom.
Y-You need to use my bathroom?
I have to go to the bathroom
Brah, what?!
Dude, Kenny, the weirdest
thing just happened.
My teenager showed up at my house,
and he's acting really strange.
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Yours did too?
Why do I have all these
[BLEEP] zits on my face?!
Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm!
You don't even [BLEEP] care!
You don't care because
you don't even [BLEEP] know me!
What the hell are these things?
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Dude, that's my friend
Kenny, we gotta kill him!
I don't take orders from you!
Okay, okay, but if we kill
Kenny we get a point, right?
Come on!
Agh!
Mrph mrph mrph mrph!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
No shooting from less than 10 feet!
I wasn't less than 10 feet!
It's okay, it's fine. We're sorry.
I'm not gonna play
anymore. This is stupid.
Dude, it's okay, it's just a gay rule.
Come on, let's beat these guys!
Hit!
Dude, Kyle, where are you?
We started playing like 20 minutes ago.
Yeah, I know!
My teenager asked me to take
him shopping for hair gel.
Hair gel?! What the [BLEEP] dude,
we're getting killed out here!
Just do your best, I'll
be there as fast as I can!
Okay, here it is. This
is the health care aisle.
Could you go a little faster?
Okay, here's all the hair product stuff,
which one do you like to use?
I don't know.
- What?
- I don't know!
Kyle? What are you doing?
Ugh, nothing, I'm
I'm just shopping with my teenager.
Can we go now?
Okay, but you asked me if
I could buy you some hair gel.
Shut up
Well at least I'm not the only
one dealing with this crap.
Your guy wants hair gel, too?
No, my teenager wants more lotion.
All this guy does is
hang out in the bathroom
and go through like two
bottles of lotion a day.
I swear I don't know how soft
you could possibly
want your hands to be.
I just wanna get to the Airsoft field,
Stan says your team is killing them!
Damn right! Team Floppy
Weiner will destroy you guys!
Yeah, we'll see when
I use my sniper rifle!
You have to find me first!
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Oh, you gotta be [BLEEP] kidding me.
There's one over by the registers.
No, you are not taking the lotion.
I [BLEEP] hate you!
Okay, I'm sorry you hate me.
Just wanna [BLEEP] play Airsoft, buddy.
Oh, my God, you gotta be shitting me.
Yeah hello?
I'm not gay.
Whu What?
Why'd you call me gay?!
Like, what the hell do you know?!
You don't even [BLEEP] know me.
I-I didn't call you gay.
They said I couldn't
shoot a BB within 10 feet,
and I just had to say bang bang,
and you got all salty
and said I was gay.
I was saying the rule was gay.
I wasn't talking anything
about sexual orientation.
Brah.
You're right, I shouldn't
have used that word!
Look I was one of
the first people ever
to say there was nothing
wrong with being gay.
I had a dog that was gay!
Oh, so I'm a [BLEEP] dog now?!
I'll [BLEEP] kill you!
Okay, dude
What Do you want me to do?
I want you to just leave me alone!
Okay, but you called me
Hello? Hello?
What are you doing?
I'm holding my hand over a lighter!
It's burning the shit out of my hand!
Okay, don't hold your
hand over a lighter.
Bruh! Bruh, this hurts so bad!
Oh, dude, it's [BLEEP] black.
Is that what a third
degree burn looks like?!
Jesus [BLEEP] Christ.
Dood, I just so lit burned my hand.
I need like I need
like emergency services.
Bruh, that was stoopid.
Yeah, that was kinda stupid.
I'm not [BLEEP] stupid!
I seriously don't know what to do
I've tried being nice,
I've tried being harsh
And I get nothing from
my teenager. Nothing.
Mrph.
Well, you're lucky.
At least your teenager
doesn't threaten to kill you.
I'd love him to threaten to do anything.
I'd love him to do. Anything.
On the rare occasion that my
teenager isn't in the bathroom,
all he does is talk
about his miserable life.
I'm like okay, dude,
I've got problems too.
But of course teenagers don't
care about your problems.
I'm like, "Look, buddy,
I live in a hot dog. Okay?
Like, maybe let's stop
bitching and just play Airsoft."
But you can't say that because
then they're just gonna
want to kill themselves.
- Yes, yes.
- Mrph rmhmhm rm?
Mrph rmhmhm rm?
No, we can't give up on Airsoft
I'm like four hundred
dollars into this hobby.
And we love it.
Except for the part about
being around teenagers.
Well, apparently, a lot of people
are in the same situation we're in.
What do you mean?
I've been reading this book
"Help, My Teenager Hates Me."
- Wow.
- Yeah and
it has some interesting ideas.
It says we're basically just
dealing with an age difference
and we need to try and
connect with them.
It says we should take them camping.
It says we should take them camping.
Camping?
Bruh
Bruh
Alright, guys! We got
the tents all set up.
Yeah, check em out!
Boy, isn't it nice out here?
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
There's a lake over there
where we can rent kayaks!
So what do you guys wanna do?
Go home.
K, yeah, we can do that
later, but first maybe, um
let's bond a bit
Okay, looks like the tents are set up
Can you come out now?
I'm going to the bathroom!
Okay, well, you should
probably finish up.
I know you took the lotion in there.
You really don't need
soft hands for camping.
Leave me alone!
Come on, dude.
No shit in the world takes that long.
Hey, buddy, what's up?
I thought you were gonna go
out and play Airsoft today?
No I don't think I'm gonna go
Oh.
D-Did something happen?
You wouldn't understand, Dad.
I just can't deal with teenagers.
Oh. Well, you know, they say
that the brain chemistry of a teenager
is the same as that of a psychopath.
The hormones and all that
It's been proven they're
literally criminally insane.
You know, I just
I just wanted to have
fun And shoot my friends.
I-I just wanted to
shoot my friends, dad.
Oh, buddy, well,
maybe you could ask the Airsoft field
to let you play without the teenagers.
We did! They said
they hate the teenagers
just as much as anybody, but
they can't get rid of them.
And we've got no one
else to partner with.
Well did you guys
ever consider your dads?
Come on in, boys.
Jesus Christ
How long has this store been here?
What do you think?
This one can shoot a thousand
BBs in like five seconds.
Seems pretty dangerous.
What if the police
thought that gun was real?
No, it's safe. See?
As long as your gun has a
red tip and you're white,
police won't shoot you.
Oh, that's good.
How can I, uh help you gentlemen?
We need some equipment.
We're gonna try and
take out some teenagers.
Huh I think that's a
somewhat foolhardy plan.
Have you seen the kind of
weaponry the teenagers buy?
It's some of the biggest,
nastiest weapons we sell.
Yeah, well, I've got something bigger.
American Express Platinum.
Give me one of everything you have.
Yes, sir!
We have completely had
it up to here with you.
Up to here!
Our friend Kyle just
wanted to play Airsoft.
And now he's quit
because of your attitudes.
What do you have to say for yourselves?
Brah.
Yeah, brah, great, thank you.
I can't I can't.
Guys, things have to improve.
They just have to.
I've never seen anyone so disrespectful.
Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm?
Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm!
I have never seen Kenny like this ever.
Fine! Then just leave!
Cuz we don't want you here.
And we don't want you here!
We just wanna play Airsoft
without any of you on our team!
Fine, then why don't you
just be on your own team?
That sounds totally fine!
Us against you, let's [BLEEP] go!
Fine and if we win, you stay
out of our lives forever!
Fine, and you too when we beat all you!
Yeah, you and what army?
This army!
- Dad?
- Mrph?
Any of you pussy teenagers wanna Airsoft
against some drunk rednecks?
We got new partners, guys!
That's awesome. I wish I had a dad.
And that I didn't live in a hot dog.
Oh, we got you a partner, too, Eric.
You might remember Stan's Uncle Jimbo.
Did somebody say somethin'
about Airsoft against teenagers?!
Ow! Hit!
Ow! I said hit, you bitch!
That's it, son! Light em up!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
- Hit!
- Hit!
Brah!
Yee-haw!
But there's one teenager
I can't seem to find!
I know where he is
I'm so sick of this crap
Bruh! What the hell are you doin'?!
What you do to Jergens
Lotion isn't right.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Bruh!
Aah, bruh!
Aah!
Ow, my dick! My dick! Aah!
They're not coming out of
cover! I don't see them!
It's okay, I've got an idea.
Cover me.
Bruh
Dood that's weed. I smell weed.
That smells dope!
Dood, it's a whole lit jar of weed!
Dope! That is so dope. Bruh!
Bruh!
Ow! Aah! Yow!
Bruh! Bruh!
Yeah!
- That was so epic!
- Did you see how those teenagers ran?
That was so sweet, you guys!
I bet the teenagers will never
go back to that place again!
Of course they won't!
I saw half of em' break
their guns in frustration.
Hey, thanks, you guys.
We couldn't have gotten rid
of the teenagers without you.
- Yeah, thanks, Dad.
- Mrph rm!
Hey, that's what we're here for, right?
We're just glad you wanted
to spend some time with us.
Well, I'm hungry,
is there any place around
here to get a hot dog?
Yes Yes, I live in a hot dog.
It's right over here!
Come on, you guys, help
me get it all ready!
- Okay, let's go!
- Come on, guys!
Should I take them out now?
Not yet
We still have a few good years
before they turn into monsters.