South Park s25e04 Episode Script

Back to the Cold War

1 I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine Okay, children, let's take our seats.
I know there's a lot of things going on and we're all a little bit worried.
I've heard some of you express concern over current events, so I think we should discuss what's happening.
It is true Rick and I did get into a fight over the weekend.
Now, I don't know what you've heard and what you haven't, but Rick was wrong, okay? He's the one that needs to apologize.
We're not worried about that.
We're all worried about Putin.
Putin? It was just a little noise when I pulled out.
Nobody was "pootin," okay? And anyway, you kids shouldn't be talking about that stuff! Geez! Uh, kids, I need your attention! We're doing an emergency drill this morning, m'kay.
A drill? M'kay, now, we haven't done these in a long time, but we need to be prepared if the Russians decide to nuke us.
Now, when you hear this sound The Russians are nuking us.
Then you need to quickly and calmly get out of your seats and get to the gymnasium, m'kay? The Russians are nuking us.
The Russians are nuking us! Go! Go, go, go! We're all gonna die! Come on! Come on! The missiles are coming! They've lost their minds! Run! Get to the gym! Get to the gym! Come on! Come on, we're getting nuked! Everyone to the gym! It's our only chance! Under the bleachers! Go! Come on, move! Everyone's going to die! M'kay.
That was 22 seconds.
That's not bad, m'kay.
Now, if this were real, we would just all stay here and wait to hear from our government and maybe, maybe listen to some appropriate music, like we did back in the '80s.
Take your baby by the hand Do the next thing that you feel - - I said Starring Butters.
Stephen and Linda Stotch.
Melancholy the Horse.
And the comedy of Vladimir Putin.
Dancehall days, love Hi, Katie! Hi, Kelly! Oh, my gosh.
Pixie looks so pretty today.
Thanks! I braided my pony's tail.
Hi, Josslyn! Hi, Staci Mae! Hi, Butters.
Alright, pony riders.
We've got a big competition this weekend, so let's line up and do our rails.
Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! Don't wave at us, Butters! Judges hate when they wave.
He needs to not do that.
Okay, Staci Mae, nice trot.
Here comes the jump.
Very nice.
Okay, next.
Good, Heather.
That's good control of Sunshine.
Okay, Butters, come on.
You're next.
Come on, Butters.
Come on! Oh! He clunked it! It's okay.
It's okay.
Good job, Butters.
Good job.
We should just pull Butters out of dressage.
He sucks at this.
Oh, we can't pull him out.
He loves it.
Don't you understand, Linda? I'm scared.
The big competition is this weekend.
Butters will be going up against the Russians.
Oh, look, here comes the Russian now.
- Boo! - Boo! Boo, Russia! Booooo! Hey, what are you booing a little kid for? Don't you know who that is? That's Dan Solokov's kid! Dan Solokov who works at the Ace Hardware over in Meeker? Even the kid's pony is a Russian Etruscan! You piece-a-shit communist! You won't take our freedoms away! Boo, Russia! Games without frontiers War without tears Jeux sans frontières Yeah? Mr.
Mackey, I'd like to have a word with you.
Oh, yeah, yes, of course, PC Principal.
I see that you've, uh, called for another nuclear emergency drill this afternoon? Yes, that's right.
We are going to be prepared.
Well, Mr.
Mackey, this is the seventh drill that we've done in two days.
And I see that you also put in the budget for a bomb shelter and 20 VHS copies of "Red Dawn.
" VHS is still really the best format when you think about it.
Mackey, I'm starting to worry that this is sort of nostalgic for you, like you're kind of enjoying this.
Enjoying it? My job is to have this school ready.
Kids need to know what Russia is capable of.
Ah-staff meen-ya if pahk-oye.
You speak Russian? No, but I watched "Hunt For Red October" like 200 times.
Mackey, I'm not asking you.
I'm telling you Stop with all the drills and stop putting ideas into our students' heads.
No, you You're right, of course.
I'm I'm over-reacting.
Alright, Butters, you've just got two more days before the dressage competition.
I'll do my best, Dad.
You're gonna have to do better than that, Butters.
You see that little Russian kid over there? That kid doesn't give a shit about you.
He just wants to win and take what little patriotism our country has left.
That kid? You didn't live through the Cold War, Butters, but we did.
This tournament is gonna be turned into a political spectacle, and you have to win.
Otherwise, I'm afraid we'll have to give your pony away to communists who slaughter ponies and donkeys to make skin cream.
That's mostly the Chinese, but a commie's a commie.
Better dead than red, Butters.
Oh, Jesus! Not Melancholy! Now, that little prick is trying to intimidate you.
I want you to go in there and show him how an American rides.
Come on, boy! Butters! Butters, what the hell are you doing?! Well, I dunno! You have to learn control! Come on, Melancholy, come on! Ewwww! Butters, what the hell is that?! What is what? Oh, geez! Put that thing away, Melancholy! Jesus, Linda, what are we gonna do? What are you up to, you piece of shit? Hello, sir.
I just needed to talk to somebody.
I've been having some problems at home.
Uh-huh, m'kay, that's nice.
That's good to hear.
Why don't you just, uh, sit there and tell me about it? Well, it's just my parents.
You see, a few months ago, I saw this little girl riding a pony and I said, "Whoa! I wanna do that!" Uh-huh.
So we found a stable and a trainer, and I started to learn dressage.
And I got to lease a pony, and his name is Melancholy.
Yeah, yeah, that must be tough.
I'm sorry to hear that, m'kay.
Well, I love to ride Melancholy.
But now I'm feeling all this pressure to win.
My parents said I have to win because it's against the Russians.
M'kay, we The what? It's the Russians.
I mean, I guess they're just really good at dressage, But now my dad says it's a matter of national security.
Don't move your head.
Don't move my head? I Uh, uh! They're probably watching us, so keep acting like you're asking me for help.
Well, o-okay, but I kind of am asking you for help, ya know, because I'm feeling really lost and miserable.
That's good.
Now listen carefully.
What did your parents tell you? Well, they said if I don't do well at dressage, it could mean the end of all of our freedoms.
Jesus Christ.
M'kay, well, Butters, you know, sometimes troubles at home can be bad, m'kay.
I need you to tell me everything you know about dressage.
We need to have a serious talk, Melancholy, and I need you to listen.
There's a time to poop, and there's a time to work.
And the best thing is to poop when your work is done.
I-It's like when I'm in the classroom, sometimes I have to poop, but I have to wait until lunch break.
If I really have to go, I can raise my hand to ask politely.
But if you stop and poop while we're competin', the judges are gonna deduct points.
And then the Russians will beat us, and then you're gonna get turned into Chinese skin cream! We have to do this, Melancholy.
You and me have to focus like never before.
Now, let's go show them what we can do! Let's go! That's it! You got it, boy! Nope! Nope! Melancholy! Over the jump, boy! Come on, Melancholy! What? W-Where are you going? Melancholy, back to the jump! Whoa, Melancholy! Whoa! W-What are you doing now?! Now I'm not sure what's goin' on here.
No! No! No! Melancholy! Bad pony! I'm sorry, ma'am! Melancholy, to the jump! What are you doing here? Don't shoot I-I'm just the school counselor Mr.
Stotch? Mr.
Mackey? What the hell are you doing here?! What the hell are you doing here? I'll ask the questions, I've got the gun! We were just having a look around We weren't going to mess with the Russian pony.
I-I promise.
Shut up, Linda.
and Mrs.
Stotch, you know Your son has been having some problems on the playground at school.
What kind of problems? Well, you know, bullies, and, uh, pressure for marijuana, you know, with Don't move! Now I want some goddamn answers.
So you want them to win, huh? You're a traitor.
- I'm not the traitor.
- Yeah, right Since when do you care about dressage? Since I found out the principal is a Russian spy.
A what?! There's something very big going on here, and I think it involves your son.
Mackey we were just here to try and give that pony diarrhea by feeding it Erewhon.
It's the truth.
We're on your side.
I think I understand what's going on now The Communists are gonna use the pony show as justification to fire the missiles.
Welcome, everyone, to the 10 and under pony dressage finals.
We want to thank everyone for coming out today to support these little riders.
This is it, Melancholy.
We have to do this.
We have to be classy.
We're not gonna poop.
We're not gonna get a boner, and we're certainly not gonna have unwarranted sex with the ladies.
Please, boy We have got to get this right.
Hi, Mom.
Well, hi, junior! What a surprise, m'kay! Mom I need to use something in my old room.
Well, sure, come on in! Everything is still just as you left it, son.
Mom, I think World War 3 is about to start.
I'm gonna do what I can to protect our country! Oh, uh, m'kay, honey, I'll make you a snack.
Hello, Mr.
The Russians are nuking us.
What the hell was that? Someone from the outside is logged into the missile defense system! Well, kick them out! Shut off the Wi-Fi! It's not coming in on Wi-Fi! It's some old, archaic technology! X = "The Russians are nuking us.
" Print X, goto 10.
What are they trying to do?! It's just repeating the same line over and over.
How did they get it to do that?! Sir! The computers are taking us to DEFCON 3! Jesus Christ It's dressage.
President Putin! When two tribes go to war A point is all that you can score Score them all, score them all When two tribes go to war A point is all that you can score Working for the black gas Cowboy number one A born-again poor man's son Poor man's son On the air America I modeled shirts by Van Heusen Working for the black gas - Yeah - Oooh, no! No! You know When two tribes go to war A point is all that you can score Score them all, score them all When two tribes go to war A point is all you can score Working for the black gas Switch off your shield - Switch off and feel - We're running out of time! Take missiles to DEFCON 2! Here's your Sunny Delight and Steak-umms, honey.
Get outta my room, Mom, God! Get outta my room.
Sweetheart are you m'kay? 'Course I'm not m'kay But you wouldn't understand 'cause you're a grown-up.
Honey as your mother, I want you to know you can talk to me about whatever you want.
Even if it's about being scared of gettin' old.
Things used to be so much simpler, Mama.
There was a good guy and a and a bad guy.
And we all sort of came together and loved our country Not like it is now.
Ohhh, junior.
I know that gettin' old isn't so much fun, is it? We all wanna go back to a time when we were younger.
You're getting to be around 55.
Your pee-pee doesn't work so good, does it? How'd you know about that, Mom? Well, I'm your mom, honey.
When a man gets to a point where his pee-pee doesn't work the way it used to, he starts to well, sit in his room and play war games again, you know? But, honey, those times weren't better.
We were all scared.
People died.
That's not something to strive to get back to.
You're right, mama I've been bad.
Oh, you're not bad No, I'm bad No, no sweetheart.
It It just felt good 'cause it was familiar.
That's just sort of what us old people do.
It all comes down to this.
#823 Davey Solokov and his Russian Etruscan.
If he completes this last rail, he will be the winner.
We're all dead, Linda.
Rider please demonstrate your trot.
It's Okay, Melancholy We did our best Whoa Where you goin', Melancholy? And here is the rail.
Wait a minute we have another pony in the ring! What's he doing? What's he doing?! He's fighting for democracy! Go, Butters! Butters! Butters! Melancholy! Bad! Ahghg! 10 9 8 He's got 'em! 3 2.
1 You're out! Let me Let me though! Let me through! Mackey, we did it! I know! It's amazing! This is all a dream come true! You know the past few days, I've been re-living the past.
But during this tournament, I started to change.
And I just wanna say to the Russians That if I can change, then yous can change! I know how it is when you're gettin' old, you know, and you start getting aggressive because your dick doesn't work the way it used to.
Da Da But just because our dicks don't work doesn't mean we should go back to the way things were.
In the immortal words of Sting We all share the same biology.
Regardless of ideology.
I wonder if Russians get diarrhea from Erewhon too
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