South Park s25e05 Episode Script

Help, My Teenager Hates Me

1 I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine Dad! Dad, there's this new place and you can actually go and shoot each other, only it's soft BBs and they're biodegradable, and the guns are, like, totally real except you don't actually get hurt, and it's like paintball except for there's no mess, and the stuff all looks totally real, and it's called Airsoft and can I get one? Wha Wha What? There's an Airsoft field where everybody plays on teams, and I promise I'll take good care of the equipment, and if you think about it it's a really great hobby for team building and learning communication and Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa I was just thinking if you could come to the Airsoft store with me Please, please, please, all my friends already bought their stuff, and it's totally a way for us to play outside like you always say Come on, please, only we can't tell mom cuz she won't understand, but it's totally safe cuz you wear eye protection.
Okay, okay, Kyle, breathe.
Here it is! Isn't this cool?! Airsoft Armory? Come on, Dad! You gotta check it out! My God! Is this stuff real?! No, Dad, it's Airsoft.
It's like paintball, only it's way cooler and it just looks totally real.
I-I really don't think your mom would approve, Kyle.
Dad Please.
I'm not a baby anymore.
The other guys They already got their stuff.
We're playing today! Can I please just get, like, an AK-47 and maybe a Glock? This stuff is expensive.
Is this really how you want to spend your allowance? Yeah, yeah! It really is! These are all, like, legal, right? Uh, yes, sir.
You see you load these soft BBs into the guns and they just kinda sting.
And you can put the soft BBs into grenades, rocket launchers, all kinds of stuff.
So it's all totally safe? Well, I wouldn't particularly say that I mean All the stuff is safe, the guns and grenades and things but But not necessarily the people who mostly play Airsoft What people mostly play Airsoft? Teenagers.
Alright, Airsofters, let's listen up.
Before we let you onto the field, we need to run through our safety precautions.
- Bruh - Bruh We know all the safety stuff Bruh First, your Airsoft guns must all have a red tip Bruh, we know Second, there is no full auto allowed on the field.
Bruh Third, there is a 500 fps limit for your BBs.
Bruh, can we play now? If you're hit by a BB, raise your hand, say "hit," and go back to respawn.
Yes already, yes! Alright, you guys are Team Rogue Wolf.
You'll be playing against Where is Team Floppy Weiner? Right here! What?! Bruh, no! We aren't playing with little kids! Yeah, it'll be too easy! Alright, fine! Then we'll split the kids up on two teams and each one will have a teenage partner.
Bruh, seriously? Kid with the poof ball, that's your teenager Bruh.
Green hat kid, that's your teenager Team B, those are your two teenagers.
Alright, sweet! Me and Kenny and our teenagers are gonna smoke you guys! Go! Go, go, go, go, go! Come on! This way! Yes! Yes! Yes! I got you, Cartman! You didn't get me.
I totally got you, I heard it hit your jacket Say hit and go back to respawn! You didn't hit me, Kyle! The BBs bounced off a leaf or something, 'cause Okay Okay, hit! You got me.
That was sweet.
I'm outta green gas, you got green gas?! Yeah, I got some right here, partner! Bruh! Keep shooting! Whoo-hoo! Oh, my God This is the greatest day of my [BLEEP.]
Ow! Ow! Hit! Yes! Yes! That was so awesome! You guys, Airsoft rules! This is Ow! Hit! Hit! This is sweet! - That was so cool! - The greatest thing like ever! Dude, I can't believe we tied! That was epic.
Yeah, well, Team Floppy Weiner will get you guys next time! That was seriously the best time I've had in forever! Me too! And you know what else is cool? We all have teenagers now! I know! My teenager said he's gonna come over and show me how to clean my gun! Cartman, are you okay? I'm just really happy, you guys Airsoft is seriously, like, the greatest thing in the whole world.
Well, here's my house.
Thanks, you guys.
For just a few, brief hours I forgot how much everything sucks.
Can we promise each other we'll do Airsoft, like, all the time? Hell yeah, dude.
We just gotta keep our teenagers happy and we can play Airsoft all the time.
I love you guys.
Hey, Kyle Uh, how did the Airsoft go? I took a BB right to the face with a sniper rifle.
It was so great, Dad.
Are you sure this isn't all a little too much for you, son? I'm not a baby anymore, Dad! Oh, that's probably my teenager! See ya, Dad.
I love you! I love you, too, Kyle.
I got it! Gerald why is Kyle wearing my makeup on his face? He's just experimenting.
Are you Kyle? Yeah! I'm here to drop off Trevor.
He said he's your teenager now.
Yah, that's right! Okay! Well, good luck.
What time are you picking me up?! Just gimme a call Don't make it too soon, though, because I am going to relax.
Fine, go ahead, I'm glad! Go away, I don't wanna see your stupid [BLEEP.]
face! Cool, dude, so, uh, you wanna, like, clean our Airsoft guns? I'm starving [BLEEP.]
to death.
Can you make me some [BLEEP.]
food?! Like what kind of food do you want? [BLEEP.]
leave me alone! Okay! Okay! Okay! Hello? Bruh, how do I make ramen? Excuse me? I'm starving, and the instructions are all stupid.
Oh, is this my teenager? How's it going, dude? It's not going! The ramen's all hard and I can't eat it like that! Well, you have to put the noodles in boiling water.
Where do I get water? You Do you have a sink? Bruh.
Bruh, what? I'm sorry I'm not a five star chef! Hey, man, it's cool.
Lemme uh Lemme slow it down for ya.
That one right there! Take him out! Dude, Swamp Sniper rules.
Hello? What What are you doing, dude? I need a bathroom.
Y-You need to use my bathroom? I have to go to the bathroom Brah, what?! Dude, Kenny, the weirdest thing just happened.
My teenager showed up at my house, and he's acting really strange.
Mrph rmhmhm rm! Yours did too? Why do I have all these [BLEEP.]
zits on my face?! Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm! You don't even [BLEEP.]
care! You don't care because you don't even [BLEEP.]
know me! What the hell are these things? Mrph rmhmhm rm! Dude, that's my friend Kenny, we gotta kill him! I don't take orders from you! Okay, okay, but if we kill Kenny we get a point, right? Come on! Agh! Mrph mrph mrph mrph! Hey, hey, hey, hey! No shooting from less than 10 feet! I wasn't less than 10 feet! It's okay, it's fine.
We're sorry.
I'm not gonna play anymore.
This is stupid.
Dude, it's okay, it's just a gay rule.
Come on, let's beat these guys! Hit! Dude, Kyle, where are you? We started playing like 20 minutes ago.
Yeah, I know! My teenager asked me to take him shopping for hair gel.
Hair gel?! What the [BLEEP.]
dude, we're getting killed out here! Just do your best, I'll be there as fast as I can! Okay, here it is.
This is the health care aisle.
Could you go a little faster? Okay, here's all the hair product stuff, which one do you like to use? I don't know.
- What? - I don't know! Kyle? What are you doing? Ugh, nothing, I'm I'm just shopping with my teenager.
Can we go now? Okay, but you asked me if I could buy you some hair gel.
Shut up Well at least I'm not the only one dealing with this crap.
Your guy wants hair gel, too? No, my teenager wants more lotion.
All this guy does is hang out in the bathroom and go through like two bottles of lotion a day.
I swear I don't know how soft you could possibly want your hands to be.
I just wanna get to the Airsoft field, Stan says your team is killing them! Damn right! Team Floppy Weiner will destroy you guys! Yeah, we'll see when I use my sniper rifle! You have to find me first! I gotta go to the bathroom.
Oh, you gotta be [BLEEP.]
kidding me.
There's one over by the registers.
No, you are not taking the lotion.
hate you! Okay, I'm sorry you hate me.
Just wanna [BLEEP.]
play Airsoft, buddy.
Oh, my God, you gotta be shitting me.
Yeah hello? I'm not gay.
Whu What? Why'd you call me gay?! Like, what the hell do you know?! You don't even [BLEEP.]
know me.
I-I didn't call you gay.
They said I couldn't shoot a BB within 10 feet, and I just had to say bang bang, and you got all salty and said I was gay.
I was saying the rule was gay.
I wasn't talking anything about sexual orientation.
You're right, I shouldn't have used that word! Look I was one of the first people ever to say there was nothing wrong with being gay.
I had a dog that was gay! Oh, so I'm a [BLEEP.]
dog now?! I'll [BLEEP.]
kill you! Okay, dude What Do you want me to do? I want you to just leave me alone! Okay, but you called me Hello? Hello? What are you doing? I'm holding my hand over a lighter! It's burning the shit out of my hand! Okay, don't hold your hand over a lighter.
Bruh! Bruh, this hurts so bad! Oh, dude, it's [BLEEP.]
Is that what a third degree burn looks like?! Jesus [BLEEP.]
Dood, I just so lit burned my hand.
I need like I need like emergency services.
Bruh, that was stoopid.
Yeah, that was kinda stupid.
I'm not [BLEEP.]
stupid! I seriously don't know what to do I've tried being nice, I've tried being harsh And I get nothing from my teenager.
Well, you're lucky.
At least your teenager doesn't threaten to kill you.
I'd love him to threaten to do anything.
I'd love him to do.
On the rare occasion that my teenager isn't in the bathroom, all he does is talk about his miserable life.
I'm like okay, dude, I've got problems too.
But of course teenagers don't care about your problems.
I'm like, "Look, buddy, I live in a hot dog.
Okay? Like, maybe let's stop bitching and just play Airsoft.
" But you can't say that because then they're just gonna want to kill themselves.
- Yes, yes.
- Mrph rmhmhm rm? Mrph rmhmhm rm? No, we can't give up on Airsoft I'm like four hundred dollars into this hobby.
And we love it.
Except for the part about being around teenagers.
Well, apparently, a lot of people are in the same situation we're in.
What do you mean? I've been reading this book "Help, My Teenager Hates Me.
" - Wow.
- Yeah and it has some interesting ideas.
It says we're basically just dealing with an age difference and we need to try and connect with them.
It says we should take them camping.
It says we should take them camping.
Camping? Bruh Bruh Alright, guys! We got the tents all set up.
Yeah, check em out! Boy, isn't it nice out here? Mrph rmhmhm rm! There's a lake over there where we can rent kayaks! So what do you guys wanna do? Go home.
K, yeah, we can do that later, but first maybe, um let's bond a bit Okay, looks like the tents are set up Can you come out now? I'm going to the bathroom! Okay, well, you should probably finish up.
I know you took the lotion in there.
You really don't need soft hands for camping.
Leave me alone! Come on, dude.
No shit in the world takes that long.
Hey, buddy, what's up? I thought you were gonna go out and play Airsoft today? No I don't think I'm gonna go Oh.
D-Did something happen? You wouldn't understand, Dad.
I just can't deal with teenagers.
Well, you know, they say that the brain chemistry of a teenager is the same as that of a psychopath.
The hormones and all that It's been proven they're literally criminally insane.
You know, I just I just wanted to have fun And shoot my friends.
I-I just wanted to shoot my friends, dad.
Oh, buddy, well, maybe you could ask the Airsoft field to let you play without the teenagers.
We did! They said they hate the teenagers just as much as anybody, but they can't get rid of them.
And we've got no one else to partner with.
Well did you guys ever consider your dads? Come on in, boys.
Jesus Christ How long has this store been here? What do you think? This one can shoot a thousand BBs in like five seconds.
Seems pretty dangerous.
What if the police thought that gun was real? No, it's safe.
See? As long as your gun has a red tip and you're white, police won't shoot you.
Oh, that's good.
How can I, uh help you gentlemen? We need some equipment.
We're gonna try and take out some teenagers.
Huh I think that's a somewhat foolhardy plan.
Have you seen the kind of weaponry the teenagers buy? It's some of the biggest, nastiest weapons we sell.
Yeah, well, I've got something bigger.
American Express Platinum.
Give me one of everything you have.
Yes, sir! We have completely had it up to here with you.
Up to here! Our friend Kyle just wanted to play Airsoft.
And now he's quit because of your attitudes.
What do you have to say for yourselves? Brah.
Yeah, brah, great, thank you.
I can't I can't.
Guys, things have to improve.
They just have to.
I've never seen anyone so disrespectful.
Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm? Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm! I have never seen Kenny like this ever.
Fine! Then just leave! Cuz we don't want you here.
And we don't want you here! We just wanna play Airsoft without any of you on our team! Fine, then why don't you just be on your own team? That sounds totally fine! Us against you, let's [BLEEP.]
go! Fine and if we win, you stay out of our lives forever! Fine, and you too when we beat all you! Yeah, you and what army? This army! - Dad? - Mrph? Any of you pussy teenagers wanna Airsoft against some drunk rednecks? We got new partners, guys! That's awesome.
I wish I had a dad.
And that I didn't live in a hot dog.
Oh, we got you a partner, too, Eric.
You might remember Stan's Uncle Jimbo.
Did somebody say somethin' about Airsoft against teenagers?! Ow! Hit! Ow! I said hit, you bitch! That's it, son! Light em up! Mrph rmhmhm rm! - Hit! - Hit! Brah! Yee-haw! But there's one teenager I can't seem to find! I know where he is I'm so sick of this crap Bruh! What the hell are you doin'?! What you do to Jergens Lotion isn't right.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Bruh! Aah, bruh! Aah! Ow, my dick! My dick! Aah! They're not coming out of cover! I don't see them! It's okay, I've got an idea.
Cover me.
Bruh Dood that's weed.
I smell weed.
That smells dope! Dood, it's a whole lit jar of weed! Dope! That is so dope.
Bruh! Bruh! Ow! Aah! Yow! Bruh! Bruh! Yeah! - That was so epic! - Did you see how those teenagers ran? That was so sweet, you guys! I bet the teenagers will never go back to that place again! Of course they won't! I saw half of em' break their guns in frustration.
Hey, thanks, you guys.
We couldn't have gotten rid of the teenagers without you.
- Yeah, thanks, Dad.
- Mrph rm! Hey, that's what we're here for, right? We're just glad you wanted to spend some time with us.
Well, I'm hungry, is there any place around here to get a hot dog? Yes Yes, I live in a hot dog.
It's right over here! Come on, you guys, help me get it all ready! - Okay, let's go! - Come on, guys! Should I take them out now? Not yet We still have a few good years before they turn into monsters.

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