South Park s25e03 Episode Script

City People

1 I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, Neighbor!" Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine Yes, sir If you're looking to move out of the city, I think your family would love South Park.
You can get four times the house here that you can get in the city.
A cortado? Is that like a coffee? Yeah, we We have a coffee shop here.
We're up in the mountains about an hour from Denver Do you think you could drive out from the city this weekend and I could show you some properties? Oh, you have a Tesla? Oh, how nice.
South Park yeah, it's a charming country village.
If you're able to work from home, I think you'll really love it out here LaCroix? The sparkling Mineral Water? Yes, I do believe we have that in our stores here We're seeing a massive influx of city people moving out here to the country.
And the truth is we just don't have enough real estate agents to keep up with all the demand.
Well, I don't have much experience, but I thought I'd give real estate a try.
Cartman, being a real estate agent takes a lot of intellect and a lot of raw talent.
You have to get your picture taken.
Get people to like the picture and go, "Oh, I'd like to hang out with that person.
" And then act like you like those people when you show them houses.
Well, I do believe I'm good with people, and the truth is I need to do this for my son.
Our rent is going up because of all the new people moving into town And I don't think I can afford it anymore.
Well, then, I'm going to give you a shot, Mrs.
For your little boy.
God dammit Oh, you piece of shit! Hello, sweetie! Mom! Where the hell have you been?! I've been home from school for like 45 minutes! I'm sorry, honey, mommy had some errands.
I didn't have anything to eat except Nutella.
I was about to call Child Services! Honey Mommy has some big news.
I got a job, Eric.
I'm your job.
Oh, honey It's going to be good.
Mommy is just going to be working a few days a week and you can be a big boy and take care of yourself.
- No.
- Eric, this has to happen.
We can't afford to live in this house unless I make more money, and this job pays really well.
Wha What job could you possibly have? You don't know how to do anything.
I'm a real estate agent.
A what? Hey, Butters, I need your help.
Well Well, sure, Eric! What's goin' on?! Butters, I have some shocking news My mom got a job.
Oh Oh, and you're worried that maybe now your mom won't always be there to take care of you? What? No.
My mom got a job.
My mom is dumb as shit and somebody is paying her to do something.
Have you ever heard of a real estate agent, Butters? - Well, not really.
- Yeah, well, neither had I.
So I looked it up on a bunch of those shows and stuff.
You don't do anything.
You just look nice and hug people and then when someone buys or sells a house, you make money.
Wow! Well, that sounds like a good deal! It's more than a good deal, Butters, it's [BLEEP.]
legal theft.
If my mom can be a real estate agent, then literally anyone in the world can.
We've got all these people moving from the cities into our town, I can probably be a millionaire in just a few days time.
Wow wee! Now, whatever you do, don't tell anybody.
If anyone else finds out about this, they'll all want to be real estate agents, too.
You've always been great at taking pictures, Butters.
I won't forget this when I'm rich.
Gosh, thanks, Eric! Okay, Liane You've got this.
You can do this.
Bottled water.
Bottled water.
Bottled water.
Hello there! I believe I spoke with you on the phone? I'm Liane Cartman with South Park Realtors! Uh-huh Uh-huh Well, this is the house I was telling you about.
It just came on the market.
It's a 2,300 square foot mid colonial home.
- Detached garage.
- Pilates? - Excuse me? - Pilates.
Is there a gym my wife can do Pilates? Oh, you're about five minutes from the local gym.
Bottled Water? Oh! Um, you have such a lovely family! It must have been a big drive from the city? Tesla.
We have a Tesla.
Wi-Fi! Wi-Fi! - Is there Wi-Fi? - No Wi-Fi.
Bottled water.
Well, come on in, let me show you around! Okay, this is a three bedroom house with bathrooms.
Front yard and back yard.
Eric what are you doing? Oh, I just got some clients here looking to relocate.
These people are from the city.
- Uh, cortado.
- Bottled water.
Uh, excuse me one moment.
Eric! What are you up to? I got a job as a real estate agent, mom.
You are not a real estate agent - Neither are you - Now just march right back home and I will see you when I am done with work! Mom, real estate is an open market.
You're not the only one who gets to take advantage of all the city people.
- Cortado? - Cortado! - Oh, bottled water? - Wi-Fi! Metal bottled water! Eric, this house is being represented by South Park Realtors.
You don't get to just walk in and show it! Oh! Okay! That's fine! I have tons of friends in South Park! I'll get my own listings! People this is the most exciting time in the history of South Park As you know, there are people from all over the country leaving the cities and coming to small, rural towns like ours.
It's truly incredible for all of us.
With this new surge of people from urban areas, we're seeing more town money from sales taxes, more profit in our local businesses My bakery has seen a 20% increase in sales.
Oh, I just love all these city people moving in! That's right.
It's great to have chitty people.
These chitty people come with their fancy chitty clothes and their big chitty cars.
You know, and these chitty people have a chitty way of doing things that will expose us all to their chitty ideas.
Yeah, and they've got city money and city lifestyles! Chitty money, chitty lifestyles.
And they'll move here and bring their chitty families.
And their cultured, chitty kids will hang out with our kids and expose them to their chitty ways.
I've always dreamed of South Park becoming more than a little hick town.
And these city people bring with them a new hope.
Here's to the future, everyone! The future! Okay, so this is a three bedroom two and a half bath Come on in, everybody! Wi-Fi? - Wha Wha Wha Wha? - LaCroix.
You got about 2,300 square feet and there is a finished basement.
- Oat milk.
- Detached garage Stairs head up to the master, which is an en suite, if I remember correctly.
Let's get on back to the kitchen Cortado? You've got a nice, big kitchen, pretty, new appliances.
Door in the back gets you out to the garage.
Excuse me, what are you doing? Just showing them your house.
Come on, let's check out the second floor Our house isn't for sale! Hey! Nice, big bathroom for the two rooms up here.
Tweek's grandma is staying in one of the rooms, which serves as an office space when she's not here.
And then we are back down to the spacious living room! Will you please get out of our house? Yeah, we're just about done.
Well, what do you guys think? MacBook, Tesla.
I'm sorry, I didn't get that My son left his MacBook in the Tesla.
Oh, sure, well, let's head on out now.
We can take a look at Jimmy's house.
It doesn't have such sucky furniture.
Let me talk to these guys and see if we can come up with a number.
I think I can get you 4 million for this place.
$4 million? Really? I'll be in touch.
Told you our furniture sucked! Hey Hey, John, I got some bad news We just lost another client to South Park Realty Group.
- What?! - We're losing people like crazy.
These guys are ruthless.
Who is this South Park Realty Group? Has anyone heard of them!? It appears to be mostly one agent.
A-A pretty young guy Can't have been in the business that long Oh, my God That's a pretty damn good picture.
How'd he get that kind of depth of field? I don't know he's gotta be using some kind of soft filter - Nothing I've ever seen.
- Alright, everyone! Looks like we've got some competition! If anyone thinks they can take our clients, they've got another thing coming.
Everyone get up.
We're gonna retake our pictures! Awww! No, no, no, we're getting our butts kicked, and we need to show this kid what we can do! Come on, Chris! You gotta look really welcoming! Ugh.
I'm trying Come on, arch your back more! I'm, ugh, arched as far as I can Come on, Chris, you wanna lose another sale?! Arch your back more!! I-I got it That's good, we got it Get in here, Carol! Got it! Okay, next! Hey, guys, it's Eric from South Park Realty Group.
Are you dreaming of moving out of the city and into the beautiful countryside? I want you to check out Clyde's house.
This is a 2,300 square foot mid colonial home Detached garage now listing for just $3.
5 million.
Let's check it out.
This house is so spacious.
I think my cameraman Butters can attest to this.
Isn't this nice, Butters? Yeah, it's real roomy! Just look at these amenities.
These giant, glass double doors lead to the unfinished backyard.
Plenty of room here for a pool or a horse stable.
This is just one of the amazing properties we have at South Park Realty Group.
We've got other great listings, like Craig's house, Wendy's house, and my personal favorite, Kyle's house.
Get out of that sewage drain you call a city and start living the country life you've always wanted.
South Park Realty Group.
Get out of the city and into beautiful South Park.
Uh, Liane, you got a call, line 2.
Sounds like a broker interested in 4600 Highgate.
Ooh! Okay.
Hi! This is Liane with South Park Realtors.
How's it going? This is Eric Cartman with South Park Realty Group.
Eric, stop it.
Well, I'm standing here with some clients who want to make a deal on this Highgate place.
They wanna offer $175,000.
You are going to get me fired, Eric.
And then we are going to lose our home.
$175,000 is a great number $25,000 below asking, but you know you're never gonna get $200,000.
Don't worry, these deals are always like this.
I am doing this job for us! So we can have a roof over our heads! The HVAC all needs to be redone and you know it.
I am not talking about this anymore! Okay, that's fine mom, why don't you go to [BLEEP.]
hell?! It always gets like this with agents.
Don't worry, she'll call back, watch.
South Park Realty Group, this is Eric.
You are in so much trouble, young man.
Okay, okay $180,000, but that's as high as I can do.
We got it.
It just isn't fair We retook all our pictures, and what does South Park Really Group do? They go and make a video.
And just like that, they take all our customers.
I think maybe real estate just isn't the same anymore.
Maybe we gotta start making fancy videos to keep up.
Excuse me, there's all these City People moving into town And I think I'd like to sell my property.
- R-Really? - That's great! - Hey, hey, sir - We can sell your house! Move! Move! Get! Get! That's a very smart idea! It's definitely a sellers' market right now! It's good you came to South Park Realtors.
What kind of house is it? Once in a lifetime, a property comes up for sale that is so unique, it defies words.
We know that good houses are getting hard to come by in South Park and that's why we are so excited to bring you this exceptional new property.
This is the historic Aspen Park Hot Dog.
200 square feet of pure luxury.
Let's check it out.
You want to move out of the city and enjoy the laid back country life? It's all here.
Find out more about this dream home today at South Park Realtors.
LaCroix? LaCroix? Huh sounds like chitty people.
Oh, no, that's way too many chitty people! Go on! Go, go, shoo! Too many chitty people! Go on! Go on, shoo! Chitty people! People We have a giant problem.
There are now so many city people looking for houses in South Park that it could destroy our rebounding economy.
Uh How so? I thought city people were good for our economy.
They are, but Mr.
Kim has a theory, and I think you all better listen to him.
What's the one thing people hate most? Other chitty people.
Chitty people wanna get out of the city.
If too many come here South Park become chitty and then all the chitty people gonna leave.
We can't let that happen.
Not when things are finally starting to turn around! So then we have to find a way to stop this.
It's the damn real estate agents! They're the ones who are going overboard.
They only care about their commissions! Yes, we have to tell the realtors to cool their jets! Realtors don't care about anything but money.
We have to show them who's really in charge of this town Jimbo go to your gun store and get the necessary supplies.
I'm declaring open season on real estate agents.
Cortado? - Cortado.
- Oat milk? Bottled Water Metal Bottle Water.
- LaCroix? - LaCroix! - Metal bottle water? - Edamame.
Welcome, Home Buyers! I'm Eric with South Park Realty Group.
We hope you're enjoying the provided food and beverages.
LaCroix! Yes, that's right! You know, here at South Park Realty Group, we've had some amazing listings Craig's house, Jimmy's house But I think you'll all agree that what we have for you today is a whole nother level.
I present to you Tolkien's house! - Baw? - Wha Wha Wha Wha Wha? These owners have just moved out to a farm, and we're listing this house at just under $50 million.
Yes! Go on in! Check it out! Make me an offer! You are in big trouble, young man! This is my listing, mom! I have had it with you! - Come here right now! - This is my listing, mom! Eric! - What the hell? - Over here What happened here? They're too smart for us.
South Park Realty Group.
We tried to keep up Took our pictures again Ahghg! My spine is broken.
Well, it serves you right for what you're doing to our town! You're driving all the city people away! Not us South Park Realty Group they upset the natural balance.
Real estate agents don't really do anything.
If they start doing stuff, then the whole housing market goes crazy.
Where is South Park Realty Group located?! They're showing a house The Tolkien house You have to stop them.
Ahg! Help! Somebody call Child Protective Services! Eric, you're only making it worse! I am not doing a co-brokering deal, mom, it's not gonna happen.
This isn't about that, Eric, and you know it! You're upset.
You're upset because you don't want your mom to have a job! That isn't true.
It is true! You're scared and you're jealous that a job will take my attention away from you! You just want to offer the sellers a lower commission to list this house and it's not going to work, mom! It's okay to be scared, Eric.
I know that I'm the only family you have, but you're making everything worse for us! I see one! There's a real estate agent right there! There's a big one and a little, fat one! Eric, you need to stop this right now.
When I close this deal, mom, I'm gonna be the richest kid in town! It's doesn't work that way, Eric! You aren't going to make any money You're just driving up the market and none of your deals will make it through escrow! Well, we'll just see in 30 days, won't we?! Except for some of my deals, which have a 45 day contingency period! Fine, Eric.
Will you stop all this if I quit my job?! And you won't get any other job? No.
And your only job will be me? And you'll be home when I get back from school and have my mid afternoon meal all ready on the table? Yes, Eric Yes.
Hold yer fire! Come on out, ya damn real estate agents! Don't shoot! I am not a real estate agent! I am quitting as of right now.
And South Park Realty Group is no more.
We did it We [BLEEP.]
did it! Real Estate is a delicate balance.
It has to be left to the professionals.
There's a great migration happening all over America.
And if we do it right Everyone ends up in a home that they can afford.
I think it's cool we live in a hot dog.
We have everything we need here.
We've got running water, a couch to sleep on.
And most important, we have each other.
Weak I live in a hot dog.

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