The Simpsons s31e17 Episode Script

1
- (TIRES SCREECH)
-
Come on, Maggie.
(PANTING) Hi. Sorry we're late.
This is Maggie.
We're here for our first day.
Hello, Maggie.
And who will be picking her up?
W A-After she falls down?
No, at the end of the day.
Wait, I don't stay with her?
Research shows pre-toddlers learn best
in a parent-free environment.
Unless you want to stunt her growth,
which is great.
(QUIETLY): We're not supposed to judge.
No, no, it's not that.
I just don't want Maggie
to feel abandoned.
(GIGGLING)
So, we'll see you at 4:00.
Oh. Okay, then.
Hmm. Now what will I do
with the rest of my day?
I know. I'll ask my favorite mommy blog.
- Hmm. Hmm.
-
Now turn that resistance all the way up!
Come on!
I want to see you bitches suffer!
(CHEERING)
(QUIETLY):
Am I the only one who heard that?
I love it. It's like being coached
by the voice inside my head.
Spin yourselves to death,
you land manatees!
(CHEERING)
- (GROANS) Mm.
-
(HUMMING)
Paint harder,
you sausage-fingered no-talents!
(CHEERING)
"Sex-prise your man at work."
Mm Hmm?
What are you doing here?
Maybe you could give
me a safety inspection.
Oh, my God,
I can't believe this is happening.
I'm so sex-prised!
(QUIETLY):
There's security cameras everywhere,
so we'll have to snuggle under the desk.
MAN (OVER SPEAKER):
On top of the desk, please.
Oh!
Thanks, Jerry! Nice. Real cool.
(SIGHS) Now how do I fill the day? Hmm.
What's Well Plus Good?
It's pronounced "Well and Good."
Ugh, why is everyone talking to me?
Well, if all these people
want to work here,
maybe I want to work here.
All right, go to tablet seven
to take your pre-application
ethics assessment.
Cool hair, by the way.
You think that my hair is cool?
(CHUCKLES) Well, thank you, Lauren.
Oh, by the way,
your name tag is upside down.
Mm, thank you.
You're the only person to mention that.
Ooh, major mom vibes. She's perfect.
"I always never lie."
Hmm. Two.
"I sometimes always never lie."
"If I never found a wallet,
I would always give it back."
What color is the wallet?
Marge Simpson. There was never a test.
Except there always was.
- There wasn't?
- And you passed.
Welcome to the Well and Good family.
The rest of you can go.
Your résumés will be deleted.
(OTHERS GRUMBLING)
I'm the only one you hired?
You're the only one we partnered with.
Hmm.
Okay, so I work here now.
I never asked what we sell.
I can figure this out.
Hmm. Candy? Bath bombs? Blowtorches?
$30 bottles of soda?
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, do you recommend
the tincture or the oil?
I The-the tincture
is more expensive, I guess.
Look, this is about you.
And taking care of you. I think.
So you have to put yourself first?
Well, your no-frills,
fumbling sales pitch
has won me over. I'll take both. Yes
Wow, girl, you just made
a hundred-dollar sale.
You're gonna fit in great here.
Thing is, what does here sell?
Is this what RadioShack is now?
Mm, no.
We're a high-end cannabis boutique.
You sell pot?!
Technically, I check I.D.s.
You sell pot.
(GASPS)
I'm a drugs dealer!
Mm, cannabis is legal in this state now.
Well, so is water-skiing,
but that doesn't mean I have to sell it!
I'm sorry.
Marge, don't leave, seriously.
Like, I'm asking.
Drederick Tatum!
(GASPS) I own your countertop grill.
Oh, take care not to use metal utensils
on the non-stick surfaces.
But anyway,
after my boxing career ended,
I was in a lot of pain.
Specifically, in my punching hands
and my blocking face.
But following a regimen of CBD oil
and medicinal hits from a Pikachu bong,
I was able to enjoy life again.
Which inspired me to create
Well and Good Healing Emporiums.
But pot is for Cheeches and Chongs.
Marge, it's not about getting high.
It's about wellness.
And that's why I've hand-picked
the perfect team here.
I'm an expert in cannabinoids
and cutting-edge delivery systems,
aka infusers, decarboxylators,
transdermals and pet suppositories.
And I'm super hot.
And what do you need me for?
Marge, people know
you want to help them,
that it's safe here.
Not some place for Cheeches and Chongs,
as you so recently put it.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I don't think this is really me.
- Good luck with your lifestyle.
- Uh
Oh, it's a shame there's
no drug for hurt feelings.
Oh, wait, there totally is.
(ALL MUNCHING)
You know, in some families,
they go around the
table and everyone says
one thing they learned that day.
Okay. I learned that.
Well, I learned that the
former heavyweight champion
of the world owns a marijuana store.
And he offered me a job,
which I turned down.
Wait, what?
I mean, the people were really cool,
and they thought I was cool,
which made me feel "stoked."
(SIGHS) But I'm not going
to be a reefer saleslady.
Well, I guess
there's nothing wrong with it.
Cannabis is legal in this state.
Yeah, it's basically the same thing
as working in a liquor store.
You can work in a liquor store?
- (GASPS) Mmm
- Stay with us, big guy.
Mm
Wow. I thought you'd be opposed to it.
People are stressed out these days.
Scurvy is back, there's,
like, 60 wars going on.
Whales are eating our
precious ocean plastic.
Maybe people want to
smoke a doob for that.
Oh, yeah, everyone's
selling crap to stoners now.
Have you seen the new
Krusty Burger commercial?
(SITAR MUSIC PLAYING)
When you've got the munchies,
for some reason
wink, wink you crave weird.
A deep-fried rib-wich
served on a warm doughnut.
Or a spaghetti-filled
grilled cheese sandwich
drizzled with ranch pudding.
Krusty's Munchie Mouthfuls.
It's high time you tried it.
Get it? Get it?! Get it?
(CHUCKLES) I get it.
Well, Mr. Tatum
did personally choose me.
He said I was helpful.
Honey, you're the most
helpful person I've ever met.
Now go sell the safe legal drugs
our kids should never, ever use!
- Especially Bart!
- Uh?
(HUMMING)
Is this an Apple store?
Everyone keeps asking that.
I dropped my phone
because of my arthritis.
We can't fix your phone,
but I can sure help with that arthritis.
Try this amazing pain-relieving lotion.
Oh. It tingles.
Not like Jergens. I hate Jergens!
You seem stressed. Hmm.
Why not try some yummy gummies?
(LAUGHING)
Marge, thank you.
When Mother's happy, I'm happy.
Or at least, much less miserable.
This big shot here is the principal
of a whole school! (CHUCKLES)
- Show her your key ring.
- (JINGLES)
(LAUGHING)
Oh, I love it.
(GRUMBLES)
Psst. I want to buy some pot.
All right, pump the brakes, Jhorts.
Got to ask a few questions first.
Now, do you want a body high
or a front-of-the-face buzz?
I don't know. Just hook me up.
Mmm, I have the perfect strain in mind.
But be warned, boo,
the couch-lock is strong on this one,
but there's, like, zero mind-race.
W-What are you saying? I just want
(QUIETLY): weed.
Okay, almost there.
Almost there. Now listen.
- Do you want this in flower
- Yeah.
- shatter, topical
- Uh
- edible, nasal mist
- I
- ear drops?
- Look, I just want to score a bag of shwag
from some dude who may
or may not be a cop.
I'm a cop.
Have you tried this?
Nothing makes sense anymore!
Give me a beer.
(BOTH GASP)
(SCOFFS) It doesn't make my
hair smell like anything!
(SIGHS) I dreamed my whole
life of legalized weed.
Turns out it's a real buzzkill.
Ain't that the truth?
Times have changed.
The romance of alcohol
is fading into the past.
Stoners will never know the
joy of sitting on the toilet
and barfing into your own underwear.
Or picking a fight with
a guy twice your size
because his leg touched your car.
Yeah. I miss the old days, too.
When buying pot was
(SNIFFLES) scuzzy.
I'd pay anything to
turn back that clock.
You know what'd be popular?
If one of those legal places
made it feel like you were scoring weed
from your old-school pot connection.
That's a great idea,
and we should do it.
Those tie-dyed bong monkeys
will cough up big-time for
the full dirtbag shebang!
I'll alert the bong monkeys.
Afternoon, gernts. You need some suds?
Duffman knows it's always
time for a refreshing Duff!
Yeah, that being said,
sometimes Barry is looking for
a little herbal refreshment.
Know what I mean?
- Right this way, fellas.
- (DOOR SQUEAKS)
(SQUAWKING)
(SLOWLY): So you guys friends of Moe?
Yeah. Uh, these guys are cool.
Whoa, tight. Come on in, gentlemen.
Oh, wait. Here's a disclaimer, man.
"This is a legal dispensary,
"compliant with all laws and statutes.
"As part of the experience,
cast members may pretend it's illegal."
All right. Shall we?
Hmm. Crazy bird, rusty free weights,
everything smells like
a damp swimsuit
I'm home.
Who are you supposed to be?
I'm the weird friend who
never acknowledges you.
(CHUCKLES) I was that guy
for my old roommate Scott.
Mm-hmm. (HUMMING)
- Mm?
- Mm-mm. Just stick it in the Band-Aid can.
Wh It's all stems and seeds.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
BOTH: Mm.
-
-
So, with the success of
the Well and Good brand
which, you know, thank God
I'm so pleased to present
our latest venture
- (GASPING, OOHING)
- Werk.
This is The Drederick.
It's a fully realized
cannabis resort and spa.
Now, for our launch event,
we'll be inviting marijuana
influencers from Dave Chapelle
to Harrison Ford,
who is flying himself, by the way,
so you know, fingers crossed.
Marge, I was thinking that you would be
the hostess of this launch party,
acting as the de facto face
of the Well and Good brand.
Oh, my God. Why me?
Well, Marge, 'cause people trust you.
Also, my face
is the intellectual property
of the artist who created this tattoo.
So, you know, I'm out.
Oh, I'd love to.
This is so exciting, I
Wait, wait, no. I wanted to ask you.
But unfortunately,
there was a fly in the CBD ointment.
Your husband Homer
is selling weed, Marge.
(GASPS) That's terrible.
Wait, no, so am I. We all are.
We are trying to elevate
the image of cannabis.
- This is what he's doing.
- (GASPS)
(MOANS) Oh, he knows
how much self-esteem I get
from selling bud.
And that's our good frisbee.
I'm afraid that you cannot
continue with this company
while your husband is taking pot
back to the dark ages of 2018.
- I-I'm very sorry.
- Oh, no. No, no, no.
Please, please don't fire me.
I want to be your face.
When Homer realizes how
much this is hurting me,
I'm sure he'll understand.
I don't understand.
We're doing the same thing,
except you dress like a doctor,
and I dress like a cool toddler.
Don't you get it?
I'm a healer, and you're a dealer.
You need to quit.
I can quit whenever I want.
I just don't want to.
What happened to the quitter I married?
I quit quitting!
- What's going on?
- Mom and Dad are having a drug war.
- It's not different!
- And you spent $1,000
I make CNN much funnier!
- (HUMMING)
- Homer wouldn't quit.
Here's my smock,
my key to the hash register,
my business card reading "associate."
Instead of being the
face of the company,
my face will just be me.
Wait, Marge.
There is one way to save your job,
but it would entail the
betrayal of your husband,
which I would never ask you to do.
Well, I mean, it doesn't hurt to ask.
With your help, we can get the
government to shut him down.
The FBI? The DEA?
The County Health Department.
I don't understand.
What crime is Homer committing?
Pot's legal.
Yes, but he isn't licensed to serve
non-psychotropic edibles, aka food.
If he offers snacks to
his customers and they eat
even one bite,
we go in and take him down.
So we need you to bait
the trap with these.
Are you in?
(GROANS SOFTLY)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- HOMER: Nailed it.
- Mm-hmm.
You're the son I never had.
Hey, Homer.
Look who's stopped by over here.
I am so sorry about our little tiff.
Will you accept this apology
gift for you and your friends?
Oh, honey. You're always in my corner.
I have the most loving,
supportive, loyal wife in the world.
(GRUNTS)
- (GROANS)
- (HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)
(SHOUTS, MUTTERS)
(HUMMING)
If Simpson keeps eating like this,
he'll hit bottom dust before
anyone takes the bait.
Come on, you fat bastard,
offer the customer some cheese balls.
And the whole floor
is an air hockey table,
so moving furniture
is like
- (SHOUTS)
- Homer!
Give your friends some cheese balls.
- Would anyone care to partake?
- Hmm.
(GASPS SOFTLY)
(KRUSTY CHUCKLES)
(BOTH GASP)
Code Orange. Go, go, go!
- Stop eating!
- (HOMER SHRIEKS, GASPS)
- (POUNDING ON DOOR)
- AGENT: Health Department. This is a raid.
We got to get rid of the stuff.
Oh, no! Come on!
Oh, God!
We got everything we need.
You're shut down, pal.
- (MOE SHUDDERING)
- You, you knew.
- You
- Set you up.
You're coming with us,
scumbag, to pay a $25 fine.
(MOANS SOFTLY)
(SNIFFS) Ah
Marge, darling,
everything is so perfect.
I hope your husband wasn't too upset
about the you know, the treachery.
Oh, well, Homer is very
easygoing, so
(SLURRING): Excuse me,
can any of these oils or goos
help me with a knife wound?
I have been stabbed, in the back!
How did you get in?
This is by invitation only.
I said I was Kevin Smith's father.
No one questioned me.
Homer, control yourself.
You're upsetting the influencers.
They're very easily influenced.
(SIGHS) That guy is on alcohol.
Please don't ruin this.
This is cannabinoid health,
and I am its face.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Cabana boy health.
If it's so good for you
why have you never tried pot, ever?
(GASPING, COUGHING)
Well does a doctor
need to try insulin
to know that it helps diabetes?
Yes. I think she should.
Surprise! The doctor's a woman. Sexist!
- Oh, yeah. - Good point.
- That is sexist.
Look, I don't have a problem with pot.
I can start any time I want.
I'll do some right now.
Perfect. "Serenity."
(GRUMBLES)
See? Nothing.
I'm probably one of those
people it doesn't work on.
I feel like I'm on an elevator
that's going up and
down at the same time.
Something's wrong.
You said this was about wellness,
but I feel high.
Okay, okay, listen.
What you need to understand is this:
I'm high, too!
(LAUGHS)
I'm Serenityed out of my gourd.
(LAUGHS)
- Yeah, baby. (LAUGHS)
- (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
I've got to come down.
I've got to eat something.
Um, that was a chicken pot pot pie.
Oh, no. I ate an eatable.
And you just wiped your
mouth with a Hash-nap,
the most potent thing here.
(GRUNTS, GASPS)
MARGE: Is this how I always walk?
What do I do with my arms? Okay, got it.
This is normal.
(GRUNTING)
(TAKES DEEP BREATH)
- (SCREAMS)
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Hmm? (SIGHS)
- HOMER: Honey, it's me.
Homie.
You're gonna be okay.
In two hours that will seem like 12.
You're so sweet.
And I ratted you out.
No, I get it.
You found a place that
made you feel special,
and you didn't want to lose that.
I still feel weird.
Maybe you'd feel less
weird if I were weird, too.
Here, I'll smoke
one of your futuristic joints.
That's not a doobie!
- Hmm?
- Aah!
(GRUNTING)
- (MARGE MOANS)
- HOMER: Uh-oh.
(PEOPLE SCREAM)
Oh, man, Dad, what did you do?
(SCREAMING)
Hemp clothes burns like paper!
All wrong, all wrong, all wrong!
(PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC PLAYING)
- MARGE: Oops.
- Be cool.
- Mm.
- Cheer up, neck face.
If there's one thing I know,
it's life is nothing but pain.
People will always need guys
like you and me to get them wasted.
Yeah, thanks, monster man hallucination.
Your words are a-a great comfort to me.
We'll get through it somehow.
Well, can I come with y (SIGHS)
In reaction to the
destructive Drederick blaze
which also destroyed the Sign
Language Monkey Sanctuary,
the town council has passed
an emergency ordinance
outlawing the sale of cannabis.
Without that tax money,
Maggie's pre-education
center will have to close.
Aw, man,
they were teaching her Mandarin.
Well, it's probably for the best.
Even though they say
something's not addictive,
you can still get hooked.
(MOUTH FULL): And you don't want that.
(BART AND LISA COUGHING)
Shh!