The Simpsons s31e16 Episode Script

Better Off Ned

1 (ANGRY MUTTERING) (EXCLAIMS) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (TIRES SCREECHING) - D'oh! - (TIRES SCREECHING) (GRUNTS) - - MAN (LAUGHS): Ha-ha-ha! And that's why, if you go to that little town in France, there's a statue of me surrendering.
See? Wow, Grampa, your stories are really cool today.
Yeah, the nursing home finally stopped using me as the placebo and gave me real meds.
(LAUGHS) (RAPID CLICKING) But what I really wanted to do today was to give you this, my most precious possession.
(EERILY): Open it.
(GASPS) It'll explode in just five seconds if you pull the pin.
Senior moment! Put it back! Put it back! It don't work that way! It's like having a kid! (BOTH SCREAM) - Say your prayers, boy.
- Never! (WHIMPERS) Hmm? Ha, ha! I pranked ya.
(LAUGHING) Grampa, that was hilarious.
I understand if the answer's no, but can I borrow your dud grenade? (SNORING) Aw, he's asleep.
That means yes.
(WHISTLING A TUNE) This year, we've just been named the most sedentary school - in the state.
- STUDENTS: Yay! Yay! No.
No, no.
Sedentary is a bad thing.
Our vocabulary score was also abysmal.
- Is that a bad - It's a bad thing, yes.
- RALPH: Yay! - Now to get you kids up on your feet, we decided to have a two-hour-long sit-down assembly instead of recess.
No fair! - Sit down.
- Yes ma'am.
To kick things off, please welcome the new mascot from the town's semi-amateur hockey team, Vinnie the Vulture.
- RALPH: Yay! - (FANFARE PLAYS) (GRUNTS) Hey, kids.
Milhouse, you didn't tell me your dad got another bad job.
Actually, he's the understudy.
The main guy got shingles.
(GRUNTING) Ugh, there's a bee in my beak! Okay, taking a break.
Ow! How many ow! How many stingers can one be have?! - God! - Uh How about a little show-and-tell? I'll go first! - (STUDENTS GASP) - Don't worry.
It is a live grenade, but it won't go off as long as you don't pull the pin out.
(GASPS) Ay, caramba! (GROANS) (STUDENTS SCREAMING, CLAMORING) Climb in my ass hatch, son.
(GRUNTING) (GASPS) (BART LAUGHS) It was all just a joke.
You monster.
You had me finally believing the school would be destroyed, and you took it away.
I didn't think it was funny either, Bart.
You have no idea how far up in there I went.
(SIREN WAILS) Mom, you heard there was an emergency and you came? Oh, well, actually, I was just having a sleepover with your uncle moustache over there.
- (LAUGHS) - Mom, you promised you'd never show up at school drunk again.
I'm not gonna lie, I am in a shame spiral, hanging out with lowlifes and bums.
Hey, Gary.
This is to not say my name.
Payday! Nelson, I'm gonna go take a nap in your locker.
Freedom! (SNORING) Son, you forced this man to jump on the grenade seconds before I was going to.
Well, Simpson, thanks to you, now no one can bring grenades to school.
This time, you will be expelled, never to return.
Please don't expel him.
He's got nowhere to go.
Bart Simpson, I hereby declare you Wait.
I've lived next to this boy for years.
There's good in him.
Let me work with him after school.
I'll improve him with the three P's: persistence, prayer and persistent prayer.
Oh, God, you're one of those.
- Dear Lord - Don't kneel.
Don't kneel! We're in a public school, for God's sake! "Engel v.
Vitale, 1962.
The Supreme Court asserts that" Superintendent, you are about to be on the business end of a prayer chain.
"As a part of a religious program carried on by government, it is a matter of history" My love of prayer is reflected in my chest hair.
(CHUCKLES): I appear to be in the wrong group chat.
"and the judgment of the Court of Appeals of New York is reversed, and the cause of" - NED: Amen.
- (GASPS) Sir, we're up to 205 verified pray-ers.
Do you really want me to give them your office number? Hmm? Hmm? Fine.
Stop, please! I've had enough.
We won't expel Bart.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
If you supervise this boy, keeping him away from the baleful presence of his father.
Woo-hoo! Win-win! Bon après-midi, Bart.
While you get some special help, I'm hanging with the French club.
Well, just don't make fun of me in French.
Vous êtes un imbécile.
Profitez de votre journée avec le Flanders! A demain.
Ah, nous allons faire un pique-nique.
(GROANS): Oh! Shut up.
Shut up! Vous ne parlez pas français? (LAUGHING WITH FRENCH ACCENT) (FLANDERS HUMMING) Isn't it great, son? Washing dishes can be both a chore and a meditation.
I do feel kind of at peace.
Cut myself.
(GASPS) Oh, my God, oh, my God! (LAUGHS) Gotcha! I can make that real blood, you little punk.
What did you say? (CHUCKLES) What I meant to say was, oodily-doodily, we'll change that atti-toodily.
Fishing? When I didn't take a Ritalin? - You monster.
- Hush.
If you don't catch something, we don't eat tonight.
Stupid fishing.
Stupid peace and quiet.
Stupid sunset.
Thinks it has so many colors.
So beautiful and bright and golden and (MUTTERS) Mind your line, Bart.
You got a nibble.
I've got it! I've got it! I murdered a fish.
Me, by myself.
Don't get cocky, son.
You've still got to clean it and eat it.
First things first, we got to start a fire.
Uh, with what? We'll build character by building it ourselves.
Your turn.
Oh, my hands hurt.
There are child labor laws, you know.
This is the most idiotic (ECHOING): Ay, caramba! Ay, caramba! (SLURPS, SIGHS) - How do you feel? - Great.
But why? Well, it's called "accomplishment," son something you've earned yourself that can never be taken from you.
Left-handed handshake.
And now that you're on your way, there's no telling how far you'll go.
Amazing grace How sweet the sound Oh, my goodness.
Our little boy could never sing like that before.
Well, if you ask me, he's not doing so well now.
I thought the only way to turn Bart into a little angel was a downed power line at a water park.
(LAUGHS) Ah, you must be so proud.
You really turned that boy around.
Well Congratulations, Ned Flanders.
Way to go there, Flanders.
You the man, Ned.
Hey, you can't give him all the credit.
We're the ones who messed him up in the first place.
(DOORBELL RINGS) (GROANS LOUDLY) Uh, listen, stupid Flanders, I just want to say thank you, and if there's anything I can do for you Well, for starters, you could stop calling me "stupid Flanders.
" (GROANS): Oh, here we go.
No, that's it.
(GROANING) Thank you, Flanders.
Was that so hard? He was laughing under that mustache.
(CHUCKLES QUIETLY) Bah? What are you doing here? Bart's actually doing math homework.
I wanted to see it for myself.
Bup-up-up-up! Listen, I can help my own kid.
Uh, let's see.
Four and two-thirds plus five-sixths equals, uh, uh, carry the math And, uh Oh, no! The dog ate it! (BARKING) It's okay, Dad.
I finished it.
With Mr.
Flanders' help.
Well, it looks like I'm useless.
Let me just walk away with my dignity.
Who can I turn to When nobody needs me? My son doesn't love me.
You don't get me at all.
I'm sad, too.
- Hmm? Haw-haw! (CRYING) You shouldn't be out here alone.
Oh, nobody cares.
My dad left.
My mom's a drunk.
My house is a trailer, and all the wheels are flat.
My last solid food was an ice cube.
My TV is a milk crate with a squirrel in it.
- (SOBBING) - This kid is such a wreck, even I could help him.
Which I could use to get back at Bart.
(CRYING) I get my hair cut by hiding in the bushes when the gardener comes by.
HOMER: Am I gonna do it? (CRYING) Is it wrong to take advantage of one child's feelings to make another child feel bad? Nobody has the answer to that.
Here, son.
Let me help.
Enough snot.
Mmm! Say, uh, listen, kid, how would you like a mentor? What's a mentor? A mentor is a special kind of teacher.
But you don't know nothing.
Hey, there's lots I can teach you.
How to steal filling from a pie.
How to get cookies without giving blood.
How to use spearmint gum as a deodorant.
And maybe I'll get someone to fix your teeth.
There's a doctor for your teeth? Mm-hmm.
Can you teach me how to do this maze? Well, it'll be a project we can work on together.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm out of ketchup.
(WHISPERING LOUDLY): I'll give it back when I'm done.
(TIRES SCREECH) Hello, Bart.
Just wanted you to know I'm going to Nelson's house.
We're close.
Super close.
First of all, Dad, you called me.
And second, are you mentoring Nelson just to get back at Bart? No! No way! But if you happen to see Bart, show him these.
(BRIGHT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHS) Okay, kid, I'm gonna teach you how to pack for when your wife kicks you out of the house.
Are the clothes thrown out onto the front yard? Well, let's say you have enough time to get a suitcase.
What's a suitcase? Uh, all right, let's move on to something else.
Okay, but first I got to ask: Are you sleeping with my mom?! - No.
- (SOBS): Oh.
No one's ever said that! That's what we're going for, boys.
I can't believe we're gonna be in the pride parade.
Christian pride.
Finally, Christians can openly show our faith.
ROD AND TODD: We're sure! We're pure! Get used to it! - (BICYCLE BELL RINGS) - Hey, Bart.
Look who I taught how to ride a bike.
Nelson already knew how to ride a bike.
Yeah, but he didn't know how to make cool motorcycle noises.
Me and Nelson are so close, people are calling us "Homeson.
Mom, are you seeing all this? - Yes.
- Are you gonna do anything? - No.
- Why not? (SIGHS) This is a complicated one.
Both boys are being helped.
What I'm trying to say is it's time to change Maggie.
Where are you, my little excuse? Sorry! - (LAUGHS) - (GRUNTS) Dad, what exactly are you teaching Nelson? Uh Banking.
Aiming for success.
And breaking into the music industry.
Here's $40.
That's a lot of money to me.
But I want you to get some therapy about what you're doing.
40 bucks' worth of therapy coming up.
From a licensed therapist.
Moe has a liquor license.
Yeah, let's not discuss that too much.
Take the money.
Get some help.
Why are you doing this? Dad, I have to be the voice of morality.
No, you don't.
Well, I like being the voice of morality.
And I like believing this role has not typecast me! I can still do Shakespeare! All that glitters is not delicious Duff Gold! To pee or not to pee! There is no question! Oh, no! - Excuse me.
Got to pee.
- (SHOES SQUEAKING) GIL: Doc, I see it all so clearly now.
I'm afraid of success because my father never had time for me.
- Which means - Time's up.
- But two more minutes - It's not a breakthrough.
Ah, now I feel worse than when I came in.
See you next month.
40 bucks gets you ten minutes.
Go! I was mentoring another kid to make my son jealous, and something weird happened.
I'm actually starting to like the little dingus.
Help me.
I am appalled! You are ruining two boys' lives for your own petty ego.
Let me tell you what a good therapist says.
A good therapist says, "Whatever you do is right"! - That's only if you're rich.
- D'oh! Mentor entering! Hey, Homer, honey.
Come on, spend a minute with Mama.
Look, lady, I'm not interested in - What the? - I know.
You're just spending time with my son to make your son jealous.
Sooner or later, you're gonna leave him, like all the rest.
(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) And it'll break his heart.
Hey, I'm not here to save the world.
I'm a mentor.
I come in, I ment, then I go.
Tell that boy the truth.
(GRUNTING) (HOMER GRUNTS SOFTLY) Son, we need to talk.
I know where this goes.
It ends with you giving me a phone number that starts with 555.
No! Wait! What do you have to say? I was only mentoring you to punish my son for becoming a better boy.
- I knew it! - Where are you going? I'm gonna get even.
I can't make you stay, but I can take it out on your kid.
Not Bart! I do love him! (EXASPERATED GRUNT) - - (BLOWS LOUD NOTE) - (MARCHING BAND PLAYING) - CROWD (CHANTING): We're Christians! We're proud! (WHISPERING): But don't say it too loud.
Holding hands are holy hands.
Are you wearing lotion? I'm very chappy.
- (CROWD CHEERING) - - - Uh, welcome, er, uh, Christians.
God is pleased to thank our corporate sponsor, C.
Montgomery Burns.
(CROWD BOOS) LENNY: Why won't you die? Mr.
Burns will take questions later.
Er, uh, thanks to this magnificent parade, you right-wing ding-dongs will keep me in office forever.
CROWD: Yay! And now, at the spectacular culmination of the parade, when the final float has safely cleared the route, a giant pair of praying hands will swing from the sides of the street and come together in holy union.
He's gonna crush Bart! Where's Flanders now? Right here.
What do you need? Get away from me! No! (GRUNTS) (GRUNTING) - (COUGHING) - Hi, Dad.
Son, you want to ride in the ambulance together? Aw.
That's always been our thing.
- Dad? - Yes, son? Can I have a hit off your oxygen? Of course.
(INHALES DEEPLY) I'm a great dad.
I'm sorry I was using you.
You're a sweet kid.
One day we'll have a beer about this and laugh.
- Can it be tomorrow? - Sure.
But for today, I know a certain stupid someone who might be a little better at this than me.
(HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS) - What's the matter, son? - Ah, you wouldn't understand.
A rich church usher like you.
Hey, I got two troublemakers of my own.
Who told you boys you could clean up this dump? BOTH: No one.
I think I just might understand how you feel.
You lost a dad.
I lost two Mrs.
Maybe my boys and I could take you to a ball game sometime.
- What do you say? - Papa! Yay! We have a brother! - Mean foster brother.
- ROD AND TODD: Yay! God bless Rod and Todd and especially my wonderful mentor, Mr.
Let me get fresh napkins for everyone.
Hey, how's it going? Still can't believe you've renounced the way of the bully.
Eh, what can I say? People change.
Thaw-thaw! (ORGAN PLAYS "CHARGE" FANFARE) Tell me again, why did I trade Flanders for you? Because we can do this.
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