The Simpsons s31e17 Episode Script

Highway to Well

1 - (TIRES SCREECH) - Come on, Maggie.
Sorry we're late.
This is Maggie.
We're here for our first day.
Hello, Maggie.
And who will be picking her up? W A-After she falls down? No, at the end of the day.
Wait, I don't stay with her? Research shows pre-toddlers learn best in a parent-free environment.
Unless you want to stunt her growth, which is great.
(QUIETLY): We're not supposed to judge.
No, no, it's not that.
I just don't want Maggie to feel abandoned.
(GIGGLING) So, we'll see you at 4:00.
Okay, then.
Now what will I do with the rest of my day? I know.
I'll ask my favorite mommy blog.
- Hmm.
- Now turn that resistance all the way up! Come on! I want to see you bitches suffer! (CHEERING) (QUIETLY): Am I the only one who heard that? I love it.
It's like being coached by the voice inside my head.
Spin yourselves to death, you land manatees! (CHEERING) - (GROANS) Mm.
- (HUMMING) Paint harder, you sausage-fingered no-talents! (CHEERING) "Sex-prise your man at work.
" Mm Hmm? What are you doing here? Maybe you could give me a safety inspection.
Oh, my God, I can't believe this is happening.
I'm so sex-prised! (QUIETLY): There's security cameras everywhere, so we'll have to snuggle under the desk.
MAN (OVER SPEAKER): On top of the desk, please.
Oh! Thanks, Jerry! Nice.
Real cool.
(SIGHS) Now how do I fill the day? Hmm.
What's Well Plus Good? It's pronounced "Well and Good.
" Ugh, why is everyone talking to me? Well, if all these people want to work here, maybe I want to work here.
All right, go to tablet seven to take your pre-application ethics assessment.
Cool hair, by the way.
You think that my hair is cool? (CHUCKLES) Well, thank you, Lauren.
Oh, by the way, your name tag is upside down.
Mm, thank you.
You're the only person to mention that.
Ooh, major mom vibes.
She's perfect.
"I always never lie.
" Hmm.
"I sometimes always never lie.
" "If I never found a wallet, I would always give it back.
" What color is the wallet? Marge Simpson.
There was never a test.
Except there always was.
- There wasn't? - And you passed.
Welcome to the Well and Good family.
The rest of you can go.
Your résumés will be deleted.
(OTHERS GRUMBLING) I'm the only one you hired? You're the only one we partnered with.
Okay, so I work here now.
I never asked what we sell.
I can figure this out.
Candy? Bath bombs? Blowtorches? $30 bottles of soda? Uh, excuse me.
Uh, do you recommend the tincture or the oil? I The-the tincture is more expensive, I guess.
Look, this is about you.
And taking care of you.
I think.
So you have to put yourself first? Well, your no-frills, fumbling sales pitch has won me over.
I'll take both.
Yes Wow, girl, you just made a hundred-dollar sale.
You're gonna fit in great here.
Thing is, what does here sell? Is this what RadioShack is now? Mm, no.
We're a high-end cannabis boutique.
You sell pot?! Technically, I check I.
You sell pot.
(GASPS) I'm a drugs dealer! Mm, cannabis is legal in this state now.
Well, so is water-skiing, but that doesn't mean I have to sell it! I'm sorry.
Marge, don't leave, seriously.
Like, I'm asking.
Drederick Tatum! (GASPS) I own your countertop grill.
Oh, take care not to use metal utensils on the non-stick surfaces.
But anyway, after my boxing career ended, I was in a lot of pain.
Specifically, in my punching hands and my blocking face.
But following a regimen of CBD oil and medicinal hits from a Pikachu bong, I was able to enjoy life again.
Which inspired me to create Well and Good Healing Emporiums.
But pot is for Cheeches and Chongs.
Marge, it's not about getting high.
It's about wellness.
And that's why I've hand-picked the perfect team here.
I'm an expert in cannabinoids and cutting-edge delivery systems, aka infusers, decarboxylators, transdermals and pet suppositories.
And I'm super hot.
And what do you need me for? Marge, people know you want to help them, that it's safe here.
Not some place for Cheeches and Chongs, as you so recently put it.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I don't think this is really me.
- Good luck with your lifestyle.
- Uh Oh, it's a shame there's no drug for hurt feelings.
Oh, wait, there totally is.
(ALL MUNCHING) You know, in some families, they go around the table and everyone says one thing they learned that day.
I learned that.
Well, I learned that the former heavyweight champion of the world owns a marijuana store.
And he offered me a job, which I turned down.
Wait, what? I mean, the people were really cool, and they thought I was cool, which made me feel "stoked.
" (SIGHS) But I'm not going to be a reefer saleslady.
Well, I guess there's nothing wrong with it.
Cannabis is legal in this state.
Yeah, it's basically the same thing as working in a liquor store.
You can work in a liquor store? - (GASPS) Mmm - Stay with us, big guy.
Mm Wow.
I thought you'd be opposed to it.
People are stressed out these days.
Scurvy is back, there's, like, 60 wars going on.
Whales are eating our precious ocean plastic.
Maybe people want to smoke a doob for that.
Oh, yeah, everyone's selling crap to stoners now.
Have you seen the new Krusty Burger commercial? (SITAR MUSIC PLAYING) When you've got the munchies, for some reason wink, wink you crave weird.
A deep-fried rib-wich served on a warm doughnut.
Or a spaghetti-filled grilled cheese sandwich drizzled with ranch pudding.
Krusty's Munchie Mouthfuls.
It's high time you tried it.
Get it? Get it?! Get it? (CHUCKLES) I get it.
Well, Mr.
Tatum did personally choose me.
He said I was helpful.
Honey, you're the most helpful person I've ever met.
Now go sell the safe legal drugs our kids should never, ever use! - Especially Bart! - Uh? (HUMMING) Is this an Apple store? Everyone keeps asking that.
I dropped my phone because of my arthritis.
We can't fix your phone, but I can sure help with that arthritis.
Try this amazing pain-relieving lotion.
It tingles.
Not like Jergens.
I hate Jergens! You seem stressed.
Why not try some yummy gummies? (LAUGHING) Marge, thank you.
When Mother's happy, I'm happy.
Or at least, much less miserable.
This big shot here is the principal of a whole school! (CHUCKLES) - Show her your key ring.
- (JINGLES) (LAUGHING) Oh, I love it.
I want to buy some pot.
All right, pump the brakes, Jhorts.
Got to ask a few questions first.
Now, do you want a body high or a front-of-the-face buzz? I don't know.
Just hook me up.
Mmm, I have the perfect strain in mind.
But be warned, boo, the couch-lock is strong on this one, but there's, like, zero mind-race.
W-What are you saying? I just want (QUIETLY): weed.
Okay, almost there.
Almost there.
Now listen.
- Do you want this in flower - Yeah.
- shatter, topical - Uh - edible, nasal mist - I - ear drops? - Look, I just want to score a bag of shwag from some dude who may or may not be a cop.
I'm a cop.
Have you tried this? Nothing makes sense anymore! Give me a beer.
(BOTH GASP) (SCOFFS) It doesn't make my hair smell like anything! (SIGHS) I dreamed my whole life of legalized weed.
Turns out it's a real buzzkill.
Ain't that the truth? Times have changed.
The romance of alcohol is fading into the past.
Stoners will never know the joy of sitting on the toilet and barfing into your own underwear.
Or picking a fight with a guy twice your size because his leg touched your car.
I miss the old days, too.
When buying pot was (SNIFFLES) scuzzy.
I'd pay anything to turn back that clock.
You know what'd be popular? If one of those legal places made it feel like you were scoring weed from your old-school pot connection.
That's a great idea, and we should do it.
Those tie-dyed bong monkeys will cough up big-time for the full dirtbag shebang! I'll alert the bong monkeys.
Afternoon, gernts.
You need some suds? Duffman knows it's always time for a refreshing Duff! Yeah, that being said, sometimes Barry is looking for a little herbal refreshment.
Know what I mean? - Right this way, fellas.
- (DOOR SQUEAKS) (SQUAWKING) (SLOWLY): So you guys friends of Moe? Yeah.
Uh, these guys are cool.
Whoa, tight.
Come on in, gentlemen.
Oh, wait.
Here's a disclaimer, man.
"This is a legal dispensary, "compliant with all laws and statutes.
"As part of the experience, cast members may pretend it's illegal.
" All right.
Shall we? Hmm.
Crazy bird, rusty free weights, everything smells like a damp swimsuit I'm home.
Who are you supposed to be? I'm the weird friend who never acknowledges you.
(CHUCKLES) I was that guy for my old roommate Scott.
(HUMMING) - Mm? - Mm-mm.
Just stick it in the Band-Aid can.
Wh It's all stems and seeds.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
- - So, with the success of the Well and Good brand which, you know, thank God I'm so pleased to present our latest venture - (GASPING, OOHING) - Werk.
This is The Drederick.
It's a fully realized cannabis resort and spa.
Now, for our launch event, we'll be inviting marijuana influencers from Dave Chapelle to Harrison Ford, who is flying himself, by the way, so you know, fingers crossed.
Marge, I was thinking that you would be the hostess of this launch party, acting as the de facto face of the Well and Good brand.
Oh, my God.
Why me? Well, Marge, 'cause people trust you.
Also, my face is the intellectual property of the artist who created this tattoo.
So, you know, I'm out.
Oh, I'd love to.
This is so exciting, I Wait, wait, no.
I wanted to ask you.
But unfortunately, there was a fly in the CBD ointment.
Your husband Homer is selling weed, Marge.
(GASPS) That's terrible.
Wait, no, so am I.
We all are.
We are trying to elevate the image of cannabis.
- This is what he's doing.
- (GASPS) (MOANS) Oh, he knows how much self-esteem I get from selling bud.
And that's our good frisbee.
I'm afraid that you cannot continue with this company while your husband is taking pot back to the dark ages of 2018.
- I-I'm very sorry.
- Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Please, please don't fire me.
I want to be your face.
When Homer realizes how much this is hurting me, I'm sure he'll understand.
I don't understand.
We're doing the same thing, except you dress like a doctor, and I dress like a cool toddler.
Don't you get it? I'm a healer, and you're a dealer.
You need to quit.
I can quit whenever I want.
I just don't want to.
What happened to the quitter I married? I quit quitting! - What's going on? - Mom and Dad are having a drug war.
- It's not different! - And you spent $1,000 I make CNN much funnier! - (HUMMING) - Homer wouldn't quit.
Here's my smock, my key to the hash register, my business card reading "associate.
" Instead of being the face of the company, my face will just be me.
Wait, Marge.
There is one way to save your job, but it would entail the betrayal of your husband, which I would never ask you to do.
Well, I mean, it doesn't hurt to ask.
With your help, we can get the government to shut him down.
The FBI? The DEA? The County Health Department.
I don't understand.
What crime is Homer committing? Pot's legal.
Yes, but he isn't licensed to serve non-psychotropic edibles, aka food.
If he offers snacks to his customers and they eat even one bite, we go in and take him down.
So we need you to bait the trap with these.
Are you in? (GROANS SOFTLY) Mm-hmm.
- HOMER: Nailed it.
- Mm-hmm.
You're the son I never had.
Hey, Homer.
Look who's stopped by over here.
I am so sorry about our little tiff.
Will you accept this apology gift for you and your friends? Oh, honey.
You're always in my corner.
I have the most loving, supportive, loyal wife in the world.
(GRUNTS) - (GROANS) - (HIGH-PITCHED RINGING) (SHOUTS, MUTTERS) (HUMMING) If Simpson keeps eating like this, he'll hit bottom dust before anyone takes the bait.
Come on, you fat bastard, offer the customer some cheese balls.
And the whole floor is an air hockey table, so moving furniture is like - (SHOUTS) - Homer! Give your friends some cheese balls.
- Would anyone care to partake? - Hmm.
Go, go, go! - Stop eating! - (HOMER SHRIEKS, GASPS) - (POUNDING ON DOOR) - AGENT: Health Department.
This is a raid.
We got to get rid of the stuff.
Oh, no! Come on! Oh, God! We got everything we need.
You're shut down, pal.
- (MOE SHUDDERING) - You, you knew.
- You - Set you up.
You're coming with us, scumbag, to pay a $25 fine.
(MOANS SOFTLY) (SNIFFS) Ah Marge, darling, everything is so perfect.
I hope your husband wasn't too upset about the you know, the treachery.
Oh, well, Homer is very easygoing, so (SLURRING): Excuse me, can any of these oils or goos help me with a knife wound? I have been stabbed, in the back! How did you get in? This is by invitation only.
I said I was Kevin Smith's father.
No one questioned me.
Homer, control yourself.
You're upsetting the influencers.
They're very easily influenced.
(SIGHS) That guy is on alcohol.
Please don't ruin this.
This is cannabinoid health, and I am its face.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Cabana boy health.
If it's so good for you why have you never tried pot, ever? (GASPING, COUGHING) Well does a doctor need to try insulin to know that it helps diabetes? Yes.
I think she should.
Surprise! The doctor's a woman.
Sexist! - Oh, yeah.
- Good point.
- That is sexist.
Look, I don't have a problem with pot.
I can start any time I want.
I'll do some right now.
" (GRUMBLES) See? Nothing.
I'm probably one of those people it doesn't work on.
I feel like I'm on an elevator that's going up and down at the same time.
Something's wrong.
You said this was about wellness, but I feel high.
Okay, okay, listen.
What you need to understand is this: I'm high, too! (LAUGHS) I'm Serenityed out of my gourd.
(LAUGHS) - Yeah, baby.
(LAUGHS) - (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) I've got to come down.
I've got to eat something.
Um, that was a chicken pot pot pie.
Oh, no.
I ate an eatable.
And you just wiped your mouth with a Hash-nap, the most potent thing here.
(GRUNTS, GASPS) MARGE: Is this how I always walk? What do I do with my arms? Okay, got it.
This is normal.
You're gonna be okay.
In two hours that will seem like 12.
You're so sweet.
And I ratted you out.
No, I get it.
You found a place that made you feel special, and you didn't want to lose that.
I still feel weird.
Maybe you'd feel less weird if I were weird, too.
Here, I'll smoke one of your futuristic joints.
That's not a doobie! - Hmm? - Aah! (GRUNTING) - (MARGE MOANS) - HOMER: Uh-oh.
(PEOPLE SCREAM) Oh, man, Dad, what did you do? (SCREAMING) Hemp clothes burns like paper! All wrong, all wrong, all wrong! (PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC PLAYING) - MARGE: Oops.
- Be cool.
- Mm.
- Cheer up, neck face.
If there's one thing I know, it's life is nothing but pain.
People will always need guys like you and me to get them wasted.
Yeah, thanks, monster man hallucination.
Your words are a-a great comfort to me.
We'll get through it somehow.
Well, can I come with y (SIGHS) In reaction to the destructive Drederick blaze which also destroyed the Sign Language Monkey Sanctuary, the town council has passed an emergency ordinance outlawing the sale of cannabis.
Without that tax money, Maggie's pre-education center will have to close.
Aw, man, they were teaching her Mandarin.
Well, it's probably for the best.
Even though they say something's not addictive, you can still get hooked.
(MOUTH FULL): And you don't want that.
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