The Simpsons s32e06 Episode Script

1
(HOMER HUMMING A TUNE)
2:00 a.m. ham, 2:00 a.m. ham
everything rhymes
with "2:00 a.m. ham."
Mmm. Mm?
So many lies.
What else was he hiding from the world?
How could the deception go so deep?
Can we ever trust anyone? (GASPS)
- (DOOR SLAMS)
- My daughter's roaming
the house in the middle of
the night looking terrified.
I should probably go talk to
2:00 a.m. ham.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(SNORING)
(MARGE HUMMING A TUNE)
You look like you didn't sleep a wink.
Looks can be deceiving.
Nothing is as it seems.
The world is a dark place.
(GROANS WORRIEDLY)
(MUFFLED MURMUR)
Oh, Lisa seems really frazzled.
Did the climate change again?
I don't know. Probably.
(WIND WHISTLES)
MARGE: Oh.
(OWL HOOTS)
She's been like that for hours.
What is she doing under there?
Hmm. Something so troubling
she doesn't want us to find out.
As her friends, we should respect that.
(GASPS) The confession was coerced.
Honey, what are you listening to?
Uh, you know,
just some gentle ASMR noises
to soothe me to sleep. (CHUCKLES)
You know, like (EXHALES SOFTLY)
- and
- (TAPS SOFTLY)
- and
- (PAPER CRINKLES)
Oh, that stuff doesn't work
(SNORING)
- Good night.
- (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
Music in a minor key?
You've been listening
to true crime podcasts?
Hoda Kotb said on The Today Show
those are really disturbing.
- Hoda.
- Mom, I can handle it.
There's no swear words, just killing.
How many of these have you listened to?
I don't know. Just two or three a day.
And then maybe a couple
more to take the edge off.
And then one in the morning
just to get normal.
Wha I'm not addicted, I swear.
I just need to know
who killed everybody!
- (CRYING)
- Oh.
I just need to know. I just
(MOANS)
- Aw, she's all murdered out.
- (SNORING)
These titles.
It's like they're trying
to intrigue people.
(GRUNTS, SCOFFS) Oh.
I better listen to one and make
sure Lisa's not too traumatized.
Whatever. I'm hitting the hay.
(PAPER CRINKLES)
(SNORING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(YAWNS)
- (SHOUTS)
- Okay, I'm on episode eight
of Killing her softly.
We need to talk about Angela's landlord.
Why did he allow her to
pay for a year up front?
What did Sergei know?
(CHUCKLES) We have much to discuss.
Okay, pause.
It's like the police intentionally
screwed up the investigation.
Right? Drops of blood you can explain,
- but drops of brain?
- I know.
Okay, play.
Okay, pause. They totally
ignored the text messages
- from the coroner's mistress.
- Okay, play. Play.
- Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Oh. Oh.
- Mm-mm. Oh, yeah.
- Hmm. Hmm.
How could a woman with
four PhDs be so dumb?
BOTH: So dumb.
I've never seen two people
agree with each other so much.
I disagree. Come on, you two.
We're supposed to visit Grampa today.
- Homie, we can't go.
- Our favorite podcast
is recording a live episode,
and we have tickets.
If we gasp loud enough,
we might hear ourselves.
- (GASPS LOUDLY)
- (LAUGHS)
Save it for the show, Mom.
Now, remember, Bart,
Grampa's life is very lonely and boring.
So make sure to look at
your watch every few seconds
so he knows you want to leave.
Here, take some of these.
Why is my dad's weird old tie
hanging on his doorknob?
- (HOMER GASPS)
- (BOTH MOANING)
- Oh! Oh! Ooh, ooh!
- Ugh! (GROANING)
(STAMMERS)
You idiots! Don't you know the code?
If the BOLO's a-hanging,
the dentures be clanging.
This is my new girlfriend,
Vivienne Saint Charmaine.
Abe-y, you didn't tell me your
brothers were coming to visit.
- (LAUGHS): Oh, well. Oh, my.
- Aw, shucks.
Say, you look familiar.
Did you used to be younger?
Vivienne was a big-time TV star.
She was on all the hit shows,
and I was a huge fan.
HOMER: A little magazine.
But you probably know me best
as the scheming yet conniving
Olympic diver Darcy
Covington on Falcon Landing.
Ma'am, if you're a big shot has-been,
why are you dating a
small-town never-was?
All my life, I dated unwrinkled men
who told short, concise stories.
But Abe here showed me
what I've been missing.
- He's so sweet he should come with an insulin pump.
- (CHUCKLES)
Well, thanks for stopping by,
but we've got two bingo games,
a couple's colonoscopy
and then we're off to
a romantic dinner cruise.
- Dude.
- Bro.
- Seriously.
- I know.
- (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
-
From This American Crime
and KBBL Springfield,
it's Interminable,
one grisly story told
week after week after week
after week.
Hello. I'm Tabitha Shingle.
(CHEERING)
She's even more dry in person.
Some people look at a neck and think,
"what a great place for a scarf,"
and others think,
"I'd like to choke that."
for Jackson Reeb of Lansing,
Michigan, it was the latter.
(CHEERING)
(TIRES SCREECH)
Hey, hey, hey.
Easy on the hurricane hold.
We're just doing a story
on the podcast craze.
Podcast? (SCOFFS)
Flash-in-the-pan wannabe journalism.
Mark my words, Jerry, nobody cares.
Now to open this door.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Our podcast has gotten
over 20 million downloads
and is being adapted
into a streaming series
starring Alexander
Skarsgard on Amazon prime.
(CHEERING)
(GROANS)
Ugh. Stupid podcasts.
Thank god I have my family.
Now to open this door.
(KENT SCOFFS, GROANS)
(GROANS): Oh.
(SIGHS)
This is Kent Brockman, Yesterday's News.
And in the end, the donkey
turned out to be a horse.
(SIGHS) You're only watching this
because somebody left the TV
on in a doctor's waiting room.
W-wait, w-wait a second.
We have breaking news!
There's been a murder on the high seas.
A local woman is presumed dead
after going overboard on a cruise ship.
A woman disappears from a cruise.
I wonder who did it.
Could it be
BOTH: The husband or boyfriend? Mm-hmm.
That's the lady Grampa was kissing.
Grampa's the husband or boyfriend?
Authorities say the missing
woman is retired starlet
Vivienne Saint Charmaine.
Her boyfriend or husband,
Abraham Simpson,
has been detained for questioning.
Grampa? A killer?
He doesn't have that
kind of follow-through.
Did Abe Simpson do it?
No one can say for sure.
But this story has the makings
of a hit crime podcast.
Join me as I take a fair and
unbiased look on Guilty Grampa.
(ALL GASP)
This has been Kent Brockman,
bailing on TV news forever.
This is horrible. What are we gonna do?
- I've already subscribed.
- (GASPS)
A romantic sunset cruise,
the perfect setting
for new love between a
fading Hollywood actress
and a fully faded old man.
But only one of them would
return to port alive.
- (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
- I'm Kent Brockman,
and this is Guilty Grampa.
Guilty Grampa is sponsored
by shampoo shuttle,
seasonal-flavored shampoos
drone-delivered direct to your shower.
Showbiz princess
Vivienne Saint Charmaine
had finally met her prince,
local census resistor Abe Simpson.
Together they boarded a
romantic seniors cruise
across Springfield harbor.
It was 2:33 p.m.,
and the passengers
were finishing dinner.
Suddenly, there were
the sounds of a commotion,
a scream and then a splash.
Vivienne was gone,
but did the truth go overboard with her?
I have with me a woman
who was on that fatal cruise,
disgraced docent Agnes Skinner.
Uh, tell me about that night.
I was at the buffet when I heard
a woman scream, "Abe, don't!"
then a splash.
What did you do next?
I saw they were refilling
the shrimp tower,
so I had to get over
there and touch them all.
"Abe, don't."
Whatever could Vivienne
have meant by that?
Naturally, the police
questioned Abe Simpson.
His only defense? "I don't remember."
The old man would not confess. Rude.
So we swabbed his hands
to see if they tested
positive for pushing.
It came back as "no such test."
The only thing we could
do was let him go.
(GUILTY GRAMPA THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
KENT: So maybe the old saying is true.
To catch a murderer,
you have to set them free
to murder again.
This has been Guilty Grampa.
Ah, that podcast sucks butts.
Grampa's not some monster.
(GRAMPA WAILING)
(THUNDER CRASHES)
(ALL SCREAM)
Am I inside?
Vivienne and I went on the cruise,
had dinner,
drinks, dancing, drinks.
The rest is kind of a blur.
And the next thing I know,
the cops are telling me
- I'm a person of interest.
- That's ridiculous.
You've never been a person
of interest not for one second.
I don't remember nothing.
But I would never hurt Vivienne.
She was my last chance at love,
and now she's gone forever.
(CRYING)
Whoop. Got to take a zizz.
Okay, quick, he's in the bathroom,
so we only have an hour to talk.
Now, on the count of three,
say if you think he's guilty or not.
One, two, three.
- Not guilty!
- If I'm being honest, I think he's capable
of anything, up to and including murder.
You're talking about your own father.
(HOMER GRUNTING)
Grampa's a good man,
and everyone in this town knows that.
(ALL SHOUT)
- (MARGE GASPS)
- (CROWD MURMURING)
You're protecting a killer!
(WAILS) Murderer!
- (SHOUTS)
- (CAT YOWLS, GLASS SHATTERS)
Grampa boat-pushed my
favorite sexy TV lady.
I had a poster where she
was on top of a Trans Am
and it said, "finely-tuned machine."
It referred to both her and the car!
(SHOUTS)
Crime podcasts should
be about exposing truth,
- not irresponsible speculation.
- (ALL GASP)
If only Kent knew Grampa like we do,
he would call that
show Not Guilty Grampa,
which I bet would get
even more listeners.
(HOMER GASPS)
Hey! We got an ender.
Ender!
- MOE: Ender!
- (CROWD CHEERING)
Homer, tell me about the Abe
Simpson you knew and loved.
I mean, I knew him.
Was he abusive?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, sure.
I mean, he was a quiet loner,
but he could be abusive
when he wanted to be.
Really?
And your mother
how did she deal with all this?
You know, I'm not really sure.
She disappeared when I was quite young.
Another woman in his life vanished.
Stick some foghorns under
that and put it up stat.
Uh, wait, that may have sounded bad.
You're not gonna podcast that, are you?
HOMER (OVER PHONE):
You're not gonna podcast that, are you?
- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh.
(MARGE GROANS)
Imagine the worst person in the world.
Now imagine his father. That's Abe.
His roommates kept turning up dead.
90-year-old people don't
just suddenly stop breathing.
Come on.
He murdered me once.
That's why my family doesn't visit.
My grandfather is not only a great man,
he's a World War Two hero.
They used to call him
"Johnny Flamethrower."
He said the fires would
tell him who to burn.
(LISA AND MARGE GROAN)
So I say to Ira Glass, "'NPR'?
What does that stand for?
'No Possible Revenue'?"
(LAUGHTER)
(LISA'S VOICE): Hey, Kent.
I'm Yeardley Smith.
Your voice sounds familiar.
Where do I know you from?
From my true crime
podcast Small-Town Dicks,
and nowhere else.
Can I give you a word of advice?
I'd be a fool not to say,
"make it quick."
As much as it's fun to
report on murder and mayhem,
these podcasts are accusing
real people of serious crimes.
Without solid proof, we can ruin lives.
You're right. We do rule the universe.
Can I ask you a question?
- Of course.
- Who's doing your merch?
Because I'm only netting two
dollars a hat and 50 cents a mug
and I'm getting completely
screwed on onesies.
(GROANS)
- (ALARM BLARING)
- (RUMBLING)
(PHONE CHIMES)
- (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
- (BACKGROUND SOUNDS MUTED)
KENT:
Today's podcast has a killer bombshell
about the killer of the bombshell.
Grampa's motive for murder? Money.
You see, Vivienne Saint Charmaine
had a million-dollar
life insurance policy.
Ooh, and the beneficiary
was her new boyfriend,
Abraham J. Simpson.
- (ALL GASP)
- The moment she drowned,
Guilty Grampa was swimming in cash.
Motive enough for you?
HOMER: He did it for money.
No. No, no, no.
I don't care what it looks like.
I know Abe.
He would never do something so horrible.
I did something so horrible.
I finally listened to
that dad-gum podcast
(CRYING)
and it convinced me I'm a killer.
Lock me up.
You're under arrest for
spoiling the ending!
I was only on episode two.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, and for murder. Yeah.
(GROANS)
Abraham Simpson, as you have pled guilty
to the murder of
Vivienne Saint Charmaine,
I'm giving you life in prison.
And I'm giving your podcast five stars
but no comment.
- Who has the time?
- (GROANS)
-
-
(CELL DOOR SLAMS)
Why did you confess, Dad?
A majority of the family
believes you're innocent.
But what that Kent Brockman said
about me was so darn convincing.
I began to suspect myself
around episode four.
Then by episode six,
it seemed like it was that
hot-tempered deckhand.
But by episode nine, I knew I'd done it,
just as sure as shampoo shuttle
is the future of hair care.
We can't give up hope.
I know Grampa's situation looks bad,
with the insurance money,
what Mrs. Skinner heard, but
And the confession didn't help,
either, but-but
Take it, mom.
But-but-but
Oh, my God. I'm not sure I have a "but."
I'm not sure I have a "but," either.
- (HOMER AND BART SNICKERING)
- I think Grampa might have done it.
He might have. He totally might have.
- (BOTH CRYING)
- Oh, no.
With all our true crime training,
how could we have missed this?
We've become the people
that we hate most:
the family members too deluded
to see the obvious truth.
Uh, for the record,
I was willing to believe
he was the murderer back
when there was no evidence.
- Just saying.
- (KNOCKING, DOOR OPENS)
Come back later.
Were in the middle of
a terrible reckoning.
I have shocking medical news
that will blow your
father's case wide open.
Is there somewhere public we can talk?
HOMER (MUMBLES): I don't know.
(GUILTY GRAMPA THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Welcome, listeners around the
world and our proud astronauts
downloading in the darkness of space.
Tonight we both wrap up and drag
out the story of Guilty Grampa.
You'll get a chance to
hear from the hottest stars
of this heinous crime.
We love you, someone else's tragedy!
And I'm thrilled to
announce the Guilty Grampa
streaming series, starring the Skarsgard
- that started it all, Stellan.
- (CROWD CHEERING)
I only have a deal memo.
I haven't signed the final paperwork.
Kent, there's something
you've got to know.
Something everyone's got to know.
On the day of Vivienne's disappearance,
she and Abe went in for
a couple's colonoscopy.
- They each swallowed a tiny intestopod,
- (BEEPING)
which records internal data
and broadcasts a precise
GPS signal for 24 hours.
- You can see here.
- (BEEPING)
Once Vivienne fell off the boat,
she moved directly to shore.
She didn't sink. She swam.
Vivienne's signal then traveled south
to a resort in Zihuatanejo, Mexico,
where the guacamole is made table-side.
Vivienne is alive. She faked her death.
Which means Grampa didn't kill anyone.
But your podcast
convinced him that he did.
I wanted to say that part.
Well, that's, uh,
that's all very interesting,
but it doesn't really fit
with the title of my podcast,
to say nothing of the merch.
(CHANTING): Guilty Grampa!
Guilty Grampa!
You sent me to jail.
You're no journalist.
(BABY TALKING):
You made us a murderer. Wah!
(SIGHS) I have a confession to make.
Guilty Grampa is not guilty.
- (CROWD GASPS)
- (EXCLAIMS)
Oh, we all wish he did it.
Everyone here loves DNA swabs,
cell phone pings and spatter analysis,
that fantasy that the
bad guys will be caught
and the police will save the day.
Geez. That's a lot to put on a guy.
From now on, I will report
with judicious restraint,
leaving behind sensational revelations
in favor of painstakingly
accumulated uncertainties.
And I know you will
all come along with me
on this slow, measured ride.
TABITHA:
And with that out-of-touch statement,
Kent Brockman bid a big fat farewell
to his relevancy.
-
- (GRAMPA GROANS)
Come on, Dad, cheer up.
You're an innocent man.
Or so you'd have us believe.
I thought Vivienne loved me,
but she played me for a sap.
Why'd you set me up, baby?
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
I never believed she
liked you for one second.
Well, I did.
I thought she was gonna be
the last love of my life.
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
Hi, Abe.
What the (STAMMERS)
Vivienne. Why'd you set me up?
We set you up.
You weren't supposed to confess.
You were supposed to meet me in Mexico
with the insurance money.
- That was the plan.
- What plan?
The plan where I faked my death
and waited for you to meet me in Mexico
with the insurance money.
That's why I yelled, "Abe, don't
forget the plan,"
- as I was diving off the boat.
- What boat?
I love you, you senile old sex machine.
Oh, what do we do now
that we're on the run?
We live out the rest of our days
in a place where no one
will ever notice us.
- (SNORING)
- (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
GRAMPA:
I'm putting the space heater on ten.
VIVIENNE: Ooh, Abe.
Oh, you naughty boy.
Shh!