The Simpsons s32e05 Episode Script

The 7 Beer Itch

1 D'oh! Gather round, me buckos A story I will tell Of a woman named Lily Who cast quite a spell It started back in Britain It started in a pub - She's mine.
- It's my birthday.
She's mine.
I can't be the cause of this.
- I'm leaving.
- Your fault! We were fighting over Lily using knife, fork and club.
That's all I got.
The rest will be spoken word.
Lily gets why we're here.
Life is supposed to be fun.
I loved her.
We all loved her.
The way gophers love that sweet, sweet poison.
Every man wanted her for the greatest reason there is.
Lily could make life fun.
Now everyone, hold hands with a stranger.
Oh, pleased to meet you.
How delightful.
Lily! Good one, Lily.
Thanks, Lily! Pub's back open! But like The Beatles and balmy weather, she was too hot for England to handle.
I find you far too alluring for the average Englishman and banish you to Britain's penal colony, America.
This is your captain speaking.
- Will you date me? - Sorry.
Uh, okay.
I'm experiencing some emotional turbulence.
My life is pathetic.
Going back and forth, back and forth.
I don't want to live anymore.
Even the most glamorous movie stars of Hollywood bored her.
Oh, farewell, Leo.
You're a lovely boy, but my heart isn't some CGI bear for you to conquer.
But I've completely opened myself up to you.
I even admitted I play the same guy in every role.
Marry me! Oh, maybe I should go back to England.
Give this country a chance.
Don't judge us by Hollywood.
All right, but I'm leaving now, dear.
You'll have to content yourself with generic supermodels, I'm afraid.
Nothing ever works out for me.
- She needed to get away.
- Somewhere.
- So she threw a dart.
- Hmm, what's next? So she headed to Springfield, little knowing that its men had the lowest testosterone, not counting the Columbia University football team.
Lily wanted peace, but the best-laid plans Can't understand me? Too bad.
- I'm your narrator.
- Do not tell me Hmm.
The only thing worse than when you guys yap is you sitting here all quiet and sullen.
I ain't sullen, I'm lachrymose.
Oh, why did I give him that stupid word-a-day calendar? Hmm.
Impulsinicity? Uh, excuse me, there, lady, but, uh, this is a man's bar.
And I'd like a man's drink.
Bourbon, neat, in a dirty glass.
You got it.
Just got to look up what "neat" means.
I just don't understand.
Understand what? What's a pub without a song? At the pub at the crossroads, there's whiskey and beer There are songs about drinking? There's brandy, strong cognac that's aging for years But for killing the thirst and for easing the gout There's nothing at all beats a pint of good stout Pint of good stout.
Oh, what's that I hear you asking? Where are the Simpsons? Haven't you heard enough about the bloody Simpsons to last a thousand lifetimes? Well, I guess not.
So, Homer is about to receive an unpleasant surprise.
What a great day.
I've never been so happy.
Nothing can ruin it.
What? Where you going? On our vacation, remember? My aunt's letting us use her home at the Vineyard for three weeks, rent-free.
How come I'm not coming? Well, that was her one condition.
D'oh! Aw, I'm gonna miss you all so much.
Well, at least I'll have the dog.
Sorry, Dad.
We put the pets with Mr.
Flanders because, well, we knew he'd take care of them.
Come to papa.
Good, good.
Make-believe you love him.
- Flanders, I love you! - D'oh! We're staying at my Aunt Edith's house at Hyannibunkport.
It's south of Squibagansett, east of Codtucket, next to Little Crabkill Bog.
Those are great names.
You'll never want to leave.
I'm gonna keep you in my sight as long as I can.
We love you! Stop following! Okay.
drink it up, then throw me out the door I've traveled in England I've traveled in France At a hint of good music, I'll sing or I'll dance So hear me, then, mister, and pour me one more Gentlemen If I can't drink it up, then throw me out the door.
You have to seize life and relish every minute.
Eliminate all sorrow.
Open a bloody window.
Okay, okay, that's enough of that.
Ha Hey, Lily, you like suspenders? 'Cause I got them.
Well, I hope you don't mind if I give them a wee snap.
Ooh! Intimacy.
Lily, you've transformed this dump into a joint.
Bless you.
Who are you? - Homer Simpson.
- You know, Homer, I've never met a man who didn't offer me his chair or his beer.
- You have now.
- So, tell me, what's wrong with you? Mm, it's personal.
Tell me.
Maybe I can lighten your load.
- My family left me for three weeks.
- No.
The dog and cat are with Flanders.
Oh! I'm alone.
I don't know what to do.
You have to have a good time for their sake, because if you don't, they'll feel guilty and never forgive you.
And you'll never forgive them, because they're causing you the misery.
And you'll all be buried in dirty laundry with squealing kids for the rest of your days.
You're the smartest woman I've ever met in my life.
Except one.
Shut the window! But then everything smells like you.
Take that.
- - Anticipation Anticipation is making me late Welcome to our tour of the Vineyard.
This is where Steven Spielberg shot Jaws.
That's the end of our tour.
Now, my aunt's house is only eight miles away.
But we just have to make it before sundown.
Uh, Mom, I think you've gone off the road.
Whoa, watch out for that deer! - That was close.
- More deer! We're here.
Your turn, Lily.
I miss them.
I miss them.
It's been so long.
No one to comfort me.
Put your mobile away, because I'm gonna sing in German.
Vor der Kaserne Vor dem grossen Tor Stand eine Laterne Und steht sie noch davor This is like that beautiful scene in Sound of Music when all the Nazis sang good night.
Wie einst Lili Marleen Wie einst Lili Marleen.
If you're done singing, can we turn up the game? What's wrong, lady? We miss you inside.
A good bloke who never had a break, and now has a broken spirit.
He's lost and lonely, and really doesn't give a fig about me.
- I'm in love.
- I love him, too.
The sun is shining.
I can finally read my book.
Hello, nature.
Time to meet your death.
Bart, those are tick bites! You'll get Lyme disease.
Why didn't somebody warn me? Get me a priest.
Mom, I always liked you.
Oh, honey, try to relax.
Watch Itchy & Scratchy! I am itchy and scratchy.
Meanwhile, Homer little dreamed that Willie! Do you think it would kill you to rake and talk? Would you rather I tell the story about what's under these leaves and dirt? Oh.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Carry on.
Getting back, Lily continued to light up all the men's lives, except Homer's.
Lily! Gentlemen.
I made you all picnic lunches.
- Yeah! - Wow! - It's British food.
- Oh Post-1990 British food.
Yes! Smithers, that woman has captivated me, which, if memory serves, is an early state of physical arousal.
Sir, we've been through this before with several women and one very shapely tree.
I feel a tingle I haven't felt since they took the cocaine out of Coca-Cola.
I must woo her.
And Simpson's my way in.
Have him ask her on a date on my boat which will actually be a date with me.
But, sir, why not have me ask her directly? As if I could trust you to keep your hands off a lady.
How well you know me, sir.
Very good, Maggie! Now we can cook them.
Num-num! Who are all those people? It's the weekenders from Falmouth.
It's almost here.
And raise the prices now! Clam strips and beer! Black Dog mousepads! - Over here! - T-shirts! CDs by James Taylor's brother! - Hyah! - Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! That's it! We're going home.
Everyone was innocently falling into Burns's trap.
And trouble brewed as Lily offered a perverse prayer.
Forgive me, Lord.
I must have Homer.
Please let me win him, even briefly.
It would be like having a lover and a child at the same time.
Hey, Lily.
How you doin'? Homer! I'm so glad you asked me to meet you here.
Thanks, I'm glad you feel that way.
But there's something I didn't tell you.
Uh you're on a date with my boss.
That's my boat.
My name is Montgomery Burns.
I'm the richest and therefore most attractive man in town.
Okay, see ya.
Wait, wait, wait, Mr.
Burns! Surely a venerable gentleman such as yourself would know that I need a chaperone.
Of course.
Simpson, join us.
Smithers, cue my weapon of woo.
I know a shortcut.
Why am I staring at her? I'll make my eyes look at something else.
Oh, my God.
I'm smiling back.
I hope you enjoyed your dinner.
And just wait till we get to dessert.
You make me feel like I'm having dinner with a James Bond villain.
She gets me.
Now, wink for me, Smithers.
What am I doing here? What have I done to this wonderful woman? How can I make it up to her? I'm sorry.
Why did you bring me here? Fear of unemployment.
Um, let's just stay through dessert.
Look at me! I'm Gypsy Rose Lee! You and me and my cardiologist make three! Sorry, I have to leave right now.
But why? I just spilled a glass of wine on myself.
Also, this bottle.
Homer, let's go.
That was awful.
There's some people that make you feel being lonely isn't so bad.
And there are people that make you never want to be lonely again.
I hear ya.
And I almost understand ya.
Thank God you were there to save me.
That's what I'm best at: saving people from things I get them into.
You've got a little cake on the corner of your mouth.
Oh, I do? Where? - Just here.
- There? - Just there.
- Oh Where? - Right there? - Just You're missing it.
- There? - Just to the - Oh, just let me do it.
- Okay.
You can stop now.
Uh I meant go slow.
Uh, wait a minute, wait.
While you're there, could you get the upper lip? Oh, my God, what am I going to do with you? Please, nothing.
I'm taking you home now.
Well, aren't you going to walk me in? Look, Lily.
You're the most Um Finish that thought.
You're the most anything of any woman I've ever known except for my wife.
Who I loved I mean love! I said "love!" - Oh, that's beautiful.
- Thank you.
But give me one damn proper kiss goodbye.
No! This is good, but is it worth burning in hell forever? We'll see each other in our dreams, whether you like it or not.
You stay out of my dreams! All my stuff's in there! Gotta stay awake.
If I dream of Lily, it's all over.
Gotta stay awake.
Gotta stay awake.
Must not dream.
Gotta stay awake.
Gotta stay awake.
Oh, no.
You've got a little cake on the corner of your mouth.
- Homer? Homer? - She's here.
She's here and God help me, - I'm glad.
- Homer.
- Marge! - Surprise! We came back early.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God! I'll never let you go a Who's calling you so late? Telemarketer.
Gotta take it.
Those people are so sensitive.
- Hello? - Wrong number! - Homer? - Damn it! I need to see you now, Homer.
You know the address.
Lovers Lane, just off Fidelity Avenue.
I have to tell you right now I can never see you again.
Can you tell me in person? Great idea.
Keep me on the line.
I'll guide you here.
Ooh You realize nothing's gonna happen.
Of course.
I promise you chocolate and kisses Martinis with lemon drops No, feet! No! I just woke up And made you pork chops La, la, la La, la, la La, la, la - La, la, la - La, la, la - La, la, la - La, la, la La, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la Pork chops! La, la, la La, la, la La, la, la.
You're home.
Yes, I am.
And I'll never leave you.
There might be frequent interruptions.
I may stop at Moe's, I may be watching the hot dogs spin at the movie theater, or I may be picking a flower for you but I will never, ever leave you.
Aw, Homie.
Now boarding, non-stop Springfield to London.
Sorry, lady.
How was America, dear? There's nothing there for me.
It's big, full of fried food, and heartbreaking and that's just one man.
There'll never be another like him.
Buy you a drink, sweetheart? No.
- Fancy a drink? - No, thank you.
Would you get No.
No thanks.
- Get off.
- Buy you a corndog? Yes! But first, are you married? And would you shave off the mustache? Yes, and immediately.
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