The Simpsons s32e04 Episode Script

Treehouse of Horror XXXI

1 - - (THUNDER CRASHES) Now, listen up, we've got an election to run, under the strict supervision of heavily-medicated octogenarians.
I'm gonna need to see three forms of ID.
12 if you're a Democrat.
- - (CACKLING) Homer, get down here.
Your vote for president has never been more important.
- That's today? Hmm? - (GRUNTS) (SCOFFS) So vague.
You'll get down here this minute if you care about the three things you love most.
Are you picturing the kids? Yes, honey mustard.
(YAWNS) (FRANTIC GRUNTING) Hmm, let's see.
I know who I want for all the judges and propositions.
But president that's a stumper.
Can I write in Judge Judy? You're hesitating over president? Dad.
By all that's decent, how could you forget everything that's happened the last four years? - Hmm.
- I don't know.
Not sure what you're talking about.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that one was just funny.
(CHUCKLES) That was bad.
That was worse.
Someone made that up.
I got to do something.
- Hmm, hmm, hmm - (GRUNTS) (SPITS) Who you gonna make fun of now, late night comics? (LAUGHS) You slept all day? - You didn't vote? - Hey, how bad could it be? You owe me a new pair of glasses.
Aah! That's what I get for voting for Kanye! (HORN BLOWS) - - Uh-oh.
- - Bart, have you finished packing your old toys for charity? Almost.
I just want a minute to say goodbye.
Oh, mm, of course.
You put a dent In me You soaked my head in pee Then you set my feet on fire And you threw me under your front tire I'm basically an invalid Boy, you are a rotten kid I know everything you did Yeah, you are a rotten kid (WHISTLING) You got no redeeming qualities.
(BART HUMMING A TUNE) MARGE: Did you enjoy saying goodbye to your toys? Oh, yeah.
I'm a real sweetie.
Yes, you are.
- So, as your reward - (GASPS) The new Radioactive Man action figure! With real radioactivity! (GEIGER COUNTER CLICKING) Oh, thanks, Mom.
"Just keep away from scrotum.
" Uh, Grampa, where's your scrotum? Mm, I think it's in my other pants.
(HUMMING A TUNE) - - Finally, a sweet and kind boy of my own.
KRUSTY DOLL: (SCOFFS) Sweet and kind? He's the reason Jack won't come out of his box.
JACK (WHIMPERS): Is he out there? Why don't you see for yourself? (VOCALIZES) Crank it back! Crank it back! (VOCALIZES) Want more proof? Meet Over-Stretched Arm-Long, Tickled-Out Elmeaux, and Headless Malibu Stacy.
Hey, creep.
My eyes are down here.
(KRUSTY VOICE): Hey, hey, Radioactive Man, there's a bomb in that safe and you're the only one who can disarm it.
Uranium cake.
HOMER: Bart, you have to see this.
They just dumped some mail on the street and there's mail blowing everywhere.
(GRUNTS) Insides melting.
Decals loosening.
(GRUNTS) I will have my rev (GARGLING) Homer, always put a paper towel over It's wine time.
(MOANS) His accessories will go to his widow.
(CYMBALS CRASH) His widow was a monkey? Eh, love is love.
We've got to fight back.
(ALL GRUMBLING) When I'm through with him, his teeth will be sold separately.
Even you hate him, gift that was never unwrapped? - (RATTLES) - Oh.
So much anger.
I always thought you were just a sweater.
Hey! Ow! Oh! BEN MANKIEWICZ: We now return to The Swellest Slum, the musical romp starring Debbie Reynolds as Rosie, the Puerto Rican seamstress.
Don't tell me we have to walk through all the booze bags in the Irish district.
And we won't be showing that movie anymore.
Coming up next on TCM, nothing.
(MOANS) Where am I? Who are you? (GRUNTS) My toys.
You're alive? Bart Simpson, I'm gonna do what clowns do best: kill.
Look, guys, I would have never treated you bad if I'd known you had feelings.
You treat me bad and you know I have feelings.
You're in on this, too? They've got Puppy Goo Goo! They don't "have me.
" I ran away, loser.
Ow! Ooh! (GRUNTING) Ay, caramba! Whoa, Malibu Stacy? That's Dr.
Malibu Stacy to you.
I specialize in plastic surgery.
You kill like a girl.
- (SCREAMS) - Bart? Bart? What happened to you? (MUFFLED): I'm Bart Simpson.
Let's watch what you want to watch.
Aah! Well, it's pretty straightforward.
Bart's bones are Tinkertoys, he has a Build-A-Bear heart and his brain is Pop Rocks and Silly Putty.
(CHUCKLES) (CRYING) How did this happen? Don't ask, don't Mattel.
Bart, son, speak to me.
I'm Bart Simpson.
I love my mother and father.
Oh! We've lost him.
(BOTH CRYING) - No! - No.
This is the end of Bart He lost his human parts Now he's nothing but a big ol' toy Lost his chance to be a human boy He's sweet and kind But he's got no mind This is the end of Bart This is the end of Bart - Happy trails, Bart.
- - (SNORING) - (PHONE RINGING) (GRUNTS) Y'ello? MARGE: Homer, where are you? It's Halloween and we need the candy.
Who ate all the candy? Got to get more candy.
(MOANS) Advil? Hmm.
ALL: Trick or treat.
Advil? You know what this means.
Hey, you kids did say "trick or treat," so, uh, it's totally legal.
No candy? (MOANS) No candy.
Aren't you supposed to be fattening us up? I like my children stringy and tough.
(WHIMPERS) No one's allowed in here! Then what are you doing in here? You're right.
(YELLING) (PANTS) Want some more, punk? Listen, machine, there's no evidence that you contain any candy or take any money.
But desperate times call for something something.
(GRUNTING) (GRUNTS) The fact that you won't take my quarter proves you have candy.
(SHOUTS) HOMER-BARBERA: Hey, Boo Boo, let's go steal a picnic meal.
- Who the heck are you? - I'm Homer-Barbera, a-smarter than the average Homer.
(LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES) You sound just like an actor named Art Carney.
Don't tell his estate.
(BOTH EXCLAIM) Oh, I'm ever so sorry.
Who are you? I'm Disney Princess Homer.
(VOCALIZES) Okay, from now on, you just sing.
(CAWS) D'oh.
Heavens, uh, to Murgatroyd.
What's Murgatroyd? A-nobody knows.
(STATIC CRACKLING) (WHOOPING) Konnichiwa! This case is gonna be like Homer's skull: hard to crack and not much inside.
Of all the wonders a multiverse might reveal, ours is giving us multiple Homer Simpsons.
Six versions of the local loudmouth are terrorizing the town.
Family-style buffets have been emptied of everything except salad.
The bowling alleys have been overbowled.
And the library? (CHUCKLES): Untouched.
Then they attended a hockey game.
Krusty Burger has had to look for other sources of meat.
Hey! What's this new gig I'm going to? Because (SCREAMING) BROCKMAN: They even started a doo-wop group.
Lollipop, lollipop Oh, lolli, lolli-la Lollipop (SUCKING, CHOKING) Ba-dum-bum-bum.
We've got to bring those Homies here, where they'll be safe.
How you gonna do that? Well, I'll be! Which one of you will give your old dad a hug? - Not me.
- Not me.
Not me.
Hell no! Hmm.
I wonder if this has anything to do with that quantum flash of celestial energy.
(CHIMING) (SOFT MELODY PLAYING) Little girl, people might understand you better if you sang.
Look at this A flash in the sky Oh, brother.
Will it open up And drop me a guy? I want to be where the Twinkies are Dad! Where the fruit pies lie And the Ding Dongs do it Fine.
Dad You tore a hole in the space-time continuum (GASPS) Allowing Homers from other dimensions To seep into Our universe.
Happy Halloween-o, neighborino.
Eat lead, Ned.
I forgive you! Eat The bacon.
- Pass the potatoes.
This is so hard, feeding all of you at once.
Yeah? Try following them all into the bathroom.
Why, you little Dad, by Harlan Ellison's law of circular storytelling, all of you Homers have to get back to the nuclear plant and recreate the energy burst that brought you here.
- Or what? - You're gonna die! Again and again and again and again.
That doesn't sound so bad.
- And again.
- (YELPS) Quarter.
Not so fast.
Exit-a, stage left.
I can't let you close the portal.
It's the ultimate form of cheap undocumented labor.
Sure, you get a couple of these.
But it's worth it.
You can't stop us, corpse blossom.
There's one of you and six of us.
Really? Would you like to count again? Burnsiverse versus Homerverse.
And the Smitherverse to nod and take copious notes.
Each of you is more evil than the last.
But I'm still the richest, right? In my dimension, you're Smithers' sidekick.
Oh! In that case (GRUNTS) Finally.
I'm with the only Homer I ever wanted.
Say, sweetheart, park your lips in this garage.
Mmm Heavens to Marge-atroyd! Exit-a, stage right! Oh - Gotta up, gotta get out, gotta get home - - Before the morning comes - - What if I'm late, got a big date - - Gotta get home before the sun comes up.
- Dear log, at midnight, I turn nine, halfway to adulthood.
(GASPS) Am I ready to put Night Night Moon in the hand-me-down box? MARGE: Lisa! We're about to cut the cake! Come down before your father steals some icing - with his finger! - HOMER: Too late! (SIGHS) Buck up, former kiddo.
You just have to get through another disappointing party.
(SIGHS) Oh (SIGHS) - Worm.
- Cigar.
Huh? Nice party, Lisa.
Didn't realize the theme was being a loser.
My party is not full of losers.
I can burp magic.
(BURPS) (SIGHS) Somebody kill me now.
- (TIRES SCREECH) - Oh! (GASPS) Oh, my God! I'm alive! It must have been a dream.
MARGE: Lisa! We're about to cut the cake! Come down before your father steals some icing with his finger! HOMER: Too late! - Worm.
- Cigar.
Huh? Everything's the same.
Nice party, Lisa.
Didn't realize the theme was Save it, Sherri.
I'm not a loser.
How did she know what I was gonna say? - Are we that predictable? - Are we that predictable? (GASPS) I changed what happened.
Which means I can change my fate.
Sorry, Milhouse.
(TIRES SCREECH) My inside's full of owies! Okay, you killed a kid.
You better do really well on the written portion.
(CHUCKLES) How do you like me now, karma? We need to talk.
Not now.
I just escaped death.
Oh! It's so exhilarating.
I can grow up and create a cure for (GASPS) Oh.
Back at the same beginning? Okay.
I can solve this, I can solve this, I can solve this! (GRUNTS) (SHOUTS) (GASPS) (QUIETLY): Okay.
To repeat, I can solve this.
MARGE: Lisa! I know! I know! Dad's gonna steal some icing! - HOMER: Too late! - Got to talk fast.
We're both caught in repeating time loops where we die at the end.
RALPH: I can burp magic.
Take two steps back, Ralph.
- Okay.
That helps us on so many levels.
Hey, maybe we're supposed to work together to save each other.
Boo-yeah! (GRUNTS) (BUZZING) (SIGHS) I guess that means I have to throw myself into the wood chipper? Okay.
There's other alternatives! Now you tell me! Gotta get up, gotta get out Gotta get home before the morning comes What if I'm late, got a big date Gotta get home before the sun comes up Up and away, got a big day Sorry can't stay I gotta run.
That's what I forgot to screw in.
I'm glad we don't stay dead, but this is getting pretty annoying.
- We need help.
- Yes, we do.
And there's one man in town who can help us with time and eternity.
- (ORGAN PLAYING) - Yes, you've come to the right place.
The temporal loop is simultaneously the most ambitious and laziest of the science fiction tropes.
Now, let me look at my black mirror.
That's not a reference.
It's just, uh It's filthy.
So, how do we break the cycle? I can tell you what you seek to know, but my price is One breakfast burrito, all yolk, double bacon.
(GASPS) How did you Because this isn't the first time we've come to you.
We've given you 987 burritos.
Wait, well, let's make it a round thousand, shall we? All right.
Here you go.
Temporal loops are broken by being nice in Groundhog Day, saving the whales in Star Trek IV, saying "Orange you glad I didn't say 'banana'?" in the knock-knock joke.
And in the case of the movie Edge of Tomorrow, it was stopped by poor box office.
I suspect Tom Cruise fatigue.
Very very deadly.
But we've tried all those.
I know this.
You two must each use your special powers to help the other, like Superman and Batman.
I've got it.
My special power is insight, and my insight into you is we need to find your missing father.
Or we could just kill Gil.
38-degree angle! (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GASPS) We're alive.
The loop is broken! So, I guess we go back to the way things were.
I'll miss you.
Thank you, Nelson.
You helped me be okay with turning nine.
Once I get out of this loop, I have the rest of my life ahead of me.
And, as usual, I've learned nothing! (SIGHS) - Mm, mm, mm! - (GRUMBLES) Mom, I learned something really important.
No day is ever perfect, so just enjoy the day that you have.
ALL: Happy birthday, Lisa! (GASPS) I'm finally nine! And the universe is back to normal.
(CHUCKLES) Now I can watch the food go in and out.
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