The Simpsons s33e05 Episode Script

1
Riot Rivers!
Aah!
Riot Rivers!
Honey, are you in there?
Yes.
- Riot Rivers!
- Aah!
Ri-ot Riv-ers! Ri-ot Riv-ers!
-
- There it is! Turn!
Calm down!
I'm not gonna miss
your stupid water park.
It's not stupid.
Riot Rivers was the greatest
summer job I ever had.
Getting paid to watch
people of all ages eat it,
again and again.
Just eatin' it so hard!
Wait a minute. They did
a documentary about this place.
No, it didn't happen that way.
There was different music.
Hmm?
Quiet Rivers?!
They changed the "ruh" to a "qwah."
Did you know about this?
I told you they changed
the name before we left.
I thought you were joking.
That's the problem with you, Marge.
You're always kidding around.
Oh
Oh!
Come on!
See? They turned all the super
cool rides into baby rides.
And the teens working here
they're not even laughing
at the kids wiping out.
They're loading them in feet first.
Hey! Where are your cutoffs?
Are you even high?
There's nothing worse in this universe
than a ride steering wheel
that does nothing.
No, it does something.
It makes the frog smile.
Oh, man, swim diapers.
I remember those.
True freedom.
I could tell you some stories.
Can we leave yet?
Can we leave yet? Can we leave yet?
Aw, you kids don't know,
but this place used to be so bitchin'.
And the best slide of
all was right over there.
Think of it.
90% of all hospitalizations
off just one ride!
I wonder
It's still here.
The Devil's Deluge
had the longest lines,
the scariest turns,
even its own ambulance!
Hello, my love.
Did you miss me?
Wow.
Looks dry.
And dangerous.
Children, behold the deluge.
For today, we punch fear in the face
and steal death's girlfriend,
as we truly live for the first time.
Also, this is now the only way down.
Branch!
Possums!
O-possums!
Oh, man,
I saw my life flash before my eyes.
I've had an awesome life.
Oh, look at those smiles.
I knew you guys could have fun here.
Yeah, nothing gets the heart pumping
like a brush with nothing.
Um, I don't feel so good.
Aw. The quiet rivers in
my tummy are becoming
raging waters.
Upstairs or downstairs?
- Both!
- Both!
Uh, out of the water! Out of the water!
Not me this time.
According to these tests,
your kids' insides and outsides
have been exposed
to a toxic mix of 30-year-old hairspray,
hot dog water, opossum dander,
and a grab bag of intestinal
and skin-based parasites.
Oh, my poor queasy babies.
Hmm. I wonder why Homer didn't get sick.
He even went to work today.
Upstairs and downstairs!
Bart and Lisa will be
fine after a little TLC.
By TLC,
I mean "taking Lorexo-Cortisone."
And by little,
I mean a four-week intensive regimen.
Oh, steroids?
Are there any side effects?
Nothing serious.
Maybe a little temporary weight gain.
Hurry up, kids!
You don't want to be late
for your first day of school.
Ah, a new school year.
Uncracked books, pink erasers,
a binder where the rings still meet.
And I get to find out what happened
to those praying mantis eggs
I left in Skinner's office.
If, uh, we all agree to
respect each other's workspace,
this, uh, year will go just fine.
Oh, look at that belly. Mwah.
Someone's getting chunky!
Chunky.
Off you go.
Don't want to be late for school.
Oh.
Okay, forget about what Mom said.
Don't let it ruin the
first day of school.
That's the best day of the year!
Welcome, class.
This year, we'll be learning
lessons that will stay with you
- for the rest of your lives.
-
Calm down. It's okay.
Attention, students.
Due to budget cuts, the following
after-school programs have
been cancelled: dance chunk,
intramural chunk-ing,
and chunky chunk chunk.
What is going on with me?
I'm going chunky. Aah! I mean, crazy!
Get a grip.
Chunk-chunky, chunk
Chunk, chunk!
Chunk-chunk!
Chunky!
Lisa is soft now.
- Hmm?
- Dang, Simpson.
Have you been to Costco?
'Cause you're carrying bulk.
Oh, that's because of the
steroids I was taking.
- You see, my mom
- Steroids!
- Nice!
- Yeah, badass!
Like I was saying,
I've been juicing
pretty hard all summer.
Had to stop because I beat up my dad.
Roid rage!
No more hanging out with
those babies for you, Simpson.
Today, you become a man.
What is this place?
It used to be a padded
cell for left-handed kids.
Welcome to the Meat Castle.
Say goodbye to your victim bod.
Your shred-ucation begins today.
Yeah. Swole!
So swole!
Swole! Swole. Swole. Swole!
I'm living every kid's dream
to be accepted by his tormentors.
Someone's getting chunky!
Oh, honey, you seem down in the dumps.
And I know why.
You do?
Because it's really hard
to talk about when
Of course.
I don't know what I was thinking
by not taking you shopping
for back-to-school clothes.
Wait, wha?
Oh. Nothing upside downs my frowns
like a girls' trip to the mall.
I don't know, Mom.
I'm just not feeling it.
Mm.
Can I get it? Can I get it?
Hmm. I'm not sure that's a fit.
Are you positive that's
the eight-year-old size?
Oh, super pos.
Let's upsize her to a ten short.
Get me some tens out here, Derek.
The eights are a freaking
disaster on this kid!
Forget it, Mom. Let's just go.
Nuh-uh.
We're not leaving this mall
until we find you a really fun ensemble.
That is so the look.
Yes, I think that is the look.
Mom, it's too big!
No, it's not.
It's very flattering.
It's not your job
to constantly comment on my appearance!
But, honey, I could never pull that off.
On you, it's so eye-catching.
Oh, you are slaying those tens.
Do you really think I want
to call attention to myself?!
Ugh! Get this thing off of me!
Okay, why don't you give these a try?
No!
Um, let's take a little fro-yo break.
You can't fix everything with fro-yo!
That's what you acted like
before the medicine.
Young lady, in this family,
we put clothing back on the hanger
so the salesperson will
think we're classy!
Why are you acting like
such a cranky pants?
Stop talking to me about clothes!
How's everything going in here?
I brought twelves.
Do we need more twelves in here?
This mall is an assault
on human dignity!
I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!
I hate it! I hate it!
If they ask who helped you today,
remember, I'm Shauna.
They don't respect you
unless you insult them
just a little bit.
- Girls?
- Cops.
- For real.
- Yeah. Def. Yeah.
Oh, look who got a visit
from the pube fairy.
Dude, those aren't pubes.
Yeah-huh. Everything new is a pube.
So, Simpson,
you got your eyes on any ladies?
Uh, yeah, I'm talking to a
couple dozen honeys right now.
I'm in love with most of 'em,
but right now,
I want to keep my focus on the gym.
Pizza rolls are hot!
Uh, what about our reps?
There's plenty of time for that
after a weight fight!
Working out is awesome!
We don't slam doors in this house!
So, uh, how was the mall?
Apparently, I'm the worst mother
in the world for being nice.
Lisa had a huge tantrum in
front of the cell phone jewelry.
I've asked her a hundred
times what the problem is,
and she won't tell me.
Can you talk to her?
Of course, honey.
Time for me to earn my
"World's Greatest Dad" mug.
You bought that for yourself
in the hospital gift shop
while I was giving birth.
We both left with
something special that day.
Honey,
if something's bothering you,
you got to let it out.
Like swallowed burps,
buried feelings can burst
out at the worst possible
Mom called me "chunky."
Oh, my God.
Marge did the one thing no
parent is ever supposed to do
acknowledge what their
children look like!
Oh, what do I say to make it better?
I know. I'll tell her Marge
isn't her real mother,
and Lisa and I should
pack up and leave forever.
No, something about that feels wrong.
Hmm, I must use an entire lifetime
of fatherly knowledge
to help my daughter.
Buying versus leasing pros and cons.
How many miles do you think
you'll be driving a year?
Thanks for trying, Dad.
- That is what you were doing, right?
- Yes.
I can't expect you to
understand my problem.
I just wish I didn't care
what people think.
Honey, if you didn't care,
you wouldn't be human.
Not human, I say.
Here we are.
When you called for help,
I was hoping you needed someone
to spell-check your suicide note.
And just so we're clear,
you dented cue ball,
we're not doing this for you.
We're here for Lisa.
Hey, look who stopped by!
How would you like to go on a
completely spontaneous outing
with your aunts?
- Uh
- In our world, that's a "yes."
We heard what your mother said.
Not cool.
We only use "chunky"
to describe jewelry and stew.
And since we've had
stew for breakfast
Kid, your Aunt Selma and I have
been called every mean name
in the book.
You just got to let it
roll off your back.
But how?
When the world
Hurts your feelings
And on certain words
you tend to dwell
Then live life like your aunties
And tell the jerks to go to hell
This is the dawning of the
age of who gives a crap
The age of who gives a crap
Who gives a crap
Who gives a crap
Muffin tops, jowls and crow's feet
Droopy boobs and no thigh gap
Chicken skin and body odor
Chin hairs that
need some trimmin'
All these things
that's wrong with women
It's all good, just go on livin'
Who gives a crap
Who gives a crap?
Lisa, your dad told me
why you've been upset.
I'm so sorry for what I said.
It was a mistake, and I feel terrible.
Thanks, Mom, but spending the afternoon
with Aunt Patty and Selma
made me feel a lot better
about myself.
And also, a lot worse
about everyone else.
Mm. Why couldn't I just
keep my mouth shut?
After all,
now that you're off the steroids,
soon you'll be back to normal.
And you'll be my perfect
little girl again.
So, we all better now?
Ooh, how about this one?
It has a lot of notes.
I know you like those.
Don't pretend you know what I like.
Oh, can you just tell me why
we're back to glowering?!
- Huh?
- Marge,
I know all about the rough
patch you're having with Lisa.
I went through the exact same
thing with Milhouse.
We're so similar, you and I.
Are we, though?
Look, I don't just give
this name to everybody.
Just my best girlfriends.
Hmm.
Hypnotherapy?
Isn't that a little woo-woo?
Dr. Sage is amazing.
We went in not speaking,
and after one session,
- we're back in the tub together!
- Mm.
Oh.
What's up, workout bros?
Who wants toaster strudel?
Extra glaze packets!
Hmm?
Guys, look out! There's girls in here.
They're called girlfriends, baby dork.
Well, Jimbo and Flor
haven't made it official,
but we're all hopeful.
We don't do labels!
But-but I thought we
came here to work out
and-and microwave golf
balls and talk about girls,
but not real ones!
I thought we were big boys!
So dawn bros down to day.
Nothing swole can stay.
Marge, Lisa, today,
we'll be using hypnotherapy
as a tool that builds empathy
by exploring the landscapes
of each other's minds.
I'm sorry. I just find it
a little hard to believe
that everything's going
to be solved just because
you swing a gold pocket
watch in front of my face.
Oh, hypnotism has come a long way
since pocket watches.
Now, look into Dr. Mysterio's
Mesmerific Hypnowheel.
Spinny thing.
Where are we?
We're in my mind,
and I thought this woman
was a total quack.
I can hear everything you're saying.
Sorry.
It's so nice here.
I feel like I should take my shoes off.
There's a Zen garden, a waterfall.
Chunky!
And it's taking up so much space!
Look what it's done
to the Powerpuff Girls.
What if I never get
"Chunky" out of my head?
Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.
If I put it there,
then I'm going to get it out.
Oh.
I never realized how
much power my words have.
Now that you've explored
Lisa's subconscious,
perhaps we should travel to Marge's.
I have one of those?
My old bedroom.
This must be one of my memories.
Mom, what do you think
of my new haircut?
It's nice, but I do think
longer hair complements
your plain features.
"Plain." Oh, my God.
I don't remember her saying that,
but now I know why
it's been in my head
every waking minute.
Oh, Lisa, now I know
exactly how I made you feel.
Now I know exactly how you felt.
I love you!
I love both of you!
I guess the hurtful things
your mother says to you
never totally disappear.
Maybe they don't, but I really believe
that if you're aware of them,
those words will lose
their power over you
very, very, very slowly.
If at all.
But probably not.
I wonder if everyone has words
from their childhood
stuck inside their heads.
Ah, lazy.
Shh!