1000 Ways to Die s03e24 Episode Script

Death, The New Black

Okay, dead heads.
Want to fire up some of this bud? It's time for the latest batch of fun-filled fatalities.
Hello? Why are you here? We got a sauna contest that has 'em dropping like flies, a disco king who falls off his platforms, an up-skirter who gets taken down What the hell you doing? - A pumped-up douche who gets deep-sixed.
I'm a frickin' genius.
A weed farmer whose as is grasshoppered.
Don't know what you're missing.
A drunken heckler buys the fat farm.
And finally How about a cheer for a fallen football coach? They're dumb as a sack of hammers and dead as doorknobs.
On the next episode I think she's dead! Of 1,000 ways to die.
Death is everywhere.
Most of us try to avoid it.
Others can't get out of its way.
Every day, we fight a new war against germs, toxins, injury, illness, and catastrophe.
There's a lot of ways to wind up dead.
The fact that we survive at all is a miracle.
Because every day we live, we face T-bone was a small-time coke dealer Enjoy your night, man.
Who embodied the 1970s Big hair, big shoes, and disco.
In the '70s, cocaine use had reached an epidemic level.
I'm feeling good.
Big cities were flooded with cheap, cut-down coke that cost thousands of users to overdose.
In the '70s, drugs were glamorous.
They were in every club.
and the high platform shoes and the sparkly shirts.
That was a part of the fun of it.
[Laughs] Feeling good.
- Tonight, t-bone had done so much cocaine, his heart was ready to blow.
T-bone thought he could boogie his way out of trouble.
He fired up his platforms and burned up the dance floor.
Finally, the big pimping coke dealer didn't die from an overdose.
But he did die in vein, as in jugular.
He lost his balance and crashed hard with his bling slicing through his neck.
When he hit the floor, the male symbol with a spear tip on the end of it penetrated his neck, lacerating his jugular vein and his carotid artery.
The normal resting heart rate is approximately 70 per minute, but given the fact that our victim was on cocaine and he was dancing, his heart rate would have been significantly increased.
This increased cardiac activity would have caused him to bleed out that much quicker.
- For t-bone, life was just a party.
He danced to the beat and put on a show.
Now he's a deadbeat, and that's fo' sho'.
Can you dig it? Disco death, disco death - Hello, girls.
- Hi.
It might not be the biggest contest in Seattle, but it's the hottest.
Whoever can stay in the sauna the longest is the winner, okay? Number one.
It's Simi Valley U's sorority hot box competition.
Here you go, sweetie.
Any coed who wanted to get into a sorority had to bake their booty in a sauna until it blistered.
The winner got to skip hell week, which was worse than waterboarding.
Liz was a rich kid, but not even money could get her out of hell week.
Winning the hot box could.
Sauna competition basically is just an endurance contest, who can withstand the heat the longest, the most heat.
The temperature starts at 210 degrees fahrenheit, about 110 degrees celsius.
So just walking into that is like taking a step up to the sun.
Once you get into that temperature, your body starts sweating a lot, profusely, so it's very, very dangerous to get dehydrated.
To prepare, she ate nothing but beans and broccoli for a week.
[Flatulence] Her strategy Turn the sauna into a gas chamber.
[Girls coughing] [Flatulence] Liz's weapons of ass destruction had the other girls scrambling for fresh air.
Are you okay? [Coughs] No, I'm not okay.
As the temperature hit 200 degrees, it was down to Liz and Maria, an Ecuadorian transfer student who could take the heat.
Starting to really eat at you, huh? Eliza-bitch has zero sympathy for her sorority sister.
She dug down deep and squeezed out the biggest eruption since mount St.
[Flatulence] How could you do that? Ican't believe you did that.
Maria was powdered toast.
But ten minutes later she ran back in to confront the human ass volcano I hate you.
And Liz toppled over like a rotten pine.
I think she's dead! The 230-degree sauna combined with the high water vapor density in the sauna itself would have conducted the heat to the person's body quickly, 'causing second and third degree burns on the skin, and it would be much more difficult for the sweat to actually evaporate.
Her core temperature would have rose above 108 rather quickly, 'causing her death.
Liz was an ungrateful [Flatulence] Stuck up Spoiled How could you do that? Rich kid.
[Flatulence] And now she's dead.
Excuse me.
Coming up, a perving up-skirter gets caught in the act.
[Shutter snaps] What the hell you doing? And a pot farmer gets the munchies.
Don't know what you're missing.
There's a lot of degenerates in this world.
Duncan definitely qualifies.
His perv specialty? Up-skirting.
[Shutter snaps] The reason why I take the up-skirt photos is 'cause the Internet is just not as personal.
It's very impersonal.
You can always see it whenever you want.
And when you're in person and you see something like that with, like, a cell phone camera or something, it's just a bigger thrill.
You go to, like, a farmer's market or something like that, you can get a good shot, because people aren't really noticing anything, and maybe one out of ten girls aren't wearing panties, and you can get that shot.
Duncan had the deft touch of a master up-skirter, but he wasn't always able to get his shot.
On this day, a coffee wagon by a construction site, it was fertile ground.
But he had yet to catch the holy grail of up-skirting The no panties bull's-eye.
But then a woman standing in line looked promising.
Why? No panty-line.
Duncan was so caught up stalking his naked prey, he failed to notice the brawny construction worker.
[Shutter snaps] What the hell you doing? Man, I didn't do nothing.
He was about to get a major ass-whooping.
You's a sick bastard.
- I didn't do anything.
- What the hell? Give me a break, man.
- Until fate stepped in.
- What are you talking about? And took him out.
A work crew preparing a roof eight floors above provided the perfect death formula.
One clumsy construction worker plus one piece of rebar and the world is minus one pervert.
The rebar, which fell from 30 to 40 feet would have entered our victim at about 20 to 25 miles per hour.
Going through his left chest, it would have gone through his lung, the heart, through his diaphragm, and out his side, pretty much killing him instantly.
Up-skirting is a low-down, dirty way to get your rocks off.
What the hell you doing? I didn't do nothing.
Hey, Duncan.
What are you talking about? This is why the Internet was invented.
Before we start, does everyone know what a jabroni is? Nobody got nothing on you.
It's someone with a big mouth who makes anyone who meets him want to lose their foot deep up his ass.
Oh, yeah, baby.
Meet Sal.
Sal was obsessed with his body.
Even had all the hair removed.
That's the money, baby.
That's the money.
When he wasn't pumping up Where's my beer? He was cutting down his girlfriend Mandy.
You should be thankful.
Where's the straw at? Mandy was living proof to the theory the bigger the fake boobs, the smaller the I.
What, you giving me attitude now? I'm not giving you an attitude, sal.
It's the only thing that explains why she didn't take a bat and club him like a baby seal.
Nice, even coat.
He hit on her girlfriends.
How you doing, sweetheart? Good.
And treated her like a dog.
You see that float behind you? Blow it up for me.
I want to take a dip in this pool.
The best way to deal with a jabroni It's not working, Sal Give it here.
I got an idea.
Sit back and watch him screw his own pooch.
Tire sealant to blow up a raft? That's how we do it.
Why not? What can I say? I'm a frickin' genius.
[Women scream] Oh.
That's why.
He's sitting in this inflatable toy, which happens to be lined with a sealant, a chemical that actually is very combustible.
It ignited and it exploded.
The explosive force actually causes damage to the brain, as if he'd been hit upside the head with a baseball bat.
This will actually cause bleeding and in many ways pulverize and cause a huge hematoma in the brain, disrupting the brain's function, 'causing him to stop breathing and die.
You giving me attitude now? Sal was crude Nice, even coat.
Cruel Where's my beer? And brainless.
Give it here.
His moronic death was hardly tragic.
What can I say? I'm a frickin' genius.
It was fortunate.
For the rest of us.
In today's eco-conscious world, going green is the way to go, but for some, growing green was the answer.
Green as in righteous, mind-bending marijuana.
Daryl and Eugene had recently partnered up to try their hand at the biggest cash crop in the United States.
Weed brings in more green, as in cash, than wheat and corn combined.
To prevent poaching, big-time pot growers hired their own security crews to guard their fields 24-7.
I'm sick of playing cards.
Being greenhorns, Daryl and Eugene had to guard their own crop.
Want to fire up some of this bud? [Coughing] But being bad business men, they smoked it before they could even sell it.
When someone smokes or eats marijuana, thc crosses into the bloodstream and activates a part of the brain called the hypothalamus.
And the hypothalamus is a very ancient part of the brain that tells us when we need to eat.
You will feel hungry whether you've even just had a full meal, and this is what we call the munchies.
They'd been out for over a month protecting their investment, and they had run out of food.
Eugene had watched too many survival shows, and thought grasshoppers would make a good meal.
What is that? Got me some grasshopper.
Where you're from, people eat these all the time.
I'm from San Diego.
More for me.
Going green is one thing.
Growing it another.
But eating green grasshoppers had Eugene turning green.
- Then blue.
- Get up.
And then the color known as dead.
Eugene didn't know it, but he was allergic to the protein found within the exoskeleton of grasshoppers.
His body produced histamine to combat the protein, which caused internal inflammation, and he fell into anaphylactic shock, suffocated, and died.
Daryl and Eugene tried to get in on the green revolution by growing some killer weed [Coughing] But then Eugene got the munchies Hungry.
Ate some crunchies And wound up in the compost heap called death.
Up next You are pathetic.
A sadistic football coach performs the nutcracker Ugh! And a drunk insurance salesman gets downsized by some plus size.
Hurry up.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
High knees, high knees.
Let's go, let's go.
High school football can be a high-pressure environment.
Move it! Move it! Move it! Where the coach is expected to deliver or else.
Are you kidding me? Coach Shaffer used to be one of the most successful in Texas until he was caught cheating.
You are pathetic! Get out of the drill.
Now he's been reduced to coaching a backwater school in West Virginia.
Waste of time.
You look pathetic.
And he's taking his anger out on his players.
You know what? You make me sick.
Get out of the drill.
There has been, uh, an incidents of coaches, uh, being let go, fired, for treatments they've done to players on the field.
They've, uh, thrown gear at them.
Thrown footballs at them.
I know one baseball coach who's throwing bats at a player, and they were fired on the spot.
Randall's the toughest guy we got, and he's our kicker! If your kicker is the best player on your team, that team is going nowhere.
So you guys want to be soft? I will fix that.
Coach Shaffer decided to punish his players by running them through an outlawed drill the bull ring.
I'll show you how to do it.
Come on.
Come on.
And he was the bull.
Come on! He got his bell rung, and then the kicker Ugh! Split his uprights.
A nutcracker like that will hurt, but this one was fatal.
Why? Bought you some brand new cleats, man.
Coach had a lead insert placed in his kicker's shoe, and ordered him to use it.
- Thank you, coach.
- Good job.
The misplaced place kick nailed Shaffer's sack and crushed his footballs.
This man got kicked in the groin and he shattered his pelvis.
The bone dislodged, and the shard lacerated the kidney.
Toxins from the urine which was collected over there spread into the body and caused septic shock and chemical reactions, which could lead to imminent hemodynamic collapse, and he died.
Coach Shaffer was an overbearing tyrant who thought cheating was acceptable.
Bought you some brand new cleats, man.
As long as he didn't get caught.
Then he caught one Right in the chops.
Game over, coach.
After a day-long conference, what do two insurance salesmen do? Let's hit the bar.
And once they're drunk, what do they hit next? Oh, check that out.
A beauty pageant.
- We're going in.
- Hell yeah.
Come on.
Lovely ladies lovely inside and out We've reached the final portion of the 11th annual Miss Inner Beauty Pageant.
But this pageant celebrated inner beauty, and the contestants were all plus-sized models.
That explains the nearly empty room.
And now we've reached the swimsuit competition.
Miss Devon.
In the '40s and '50s, women were allowed to be more curvaceous, more womanly.
They were busty, they were buxom.
And they want to see that now, I think, it's just that, you know, the whole "thin is in," you have to look a certain way.
Miss Alegria.
Steve was there to have fun.
What is your talent? Paul was there to make fun.
Eating! Beth.
[Imitates thunderous footsteps] Here's a facetious question.
Is there anything more obnoxious than a drunk insurance salesman? My ambitions and goals are to help people.
Why don't you leave 'em some food? You know what? What is your problem? Finally, the plum plumpers were fed up with the insults.
Hello? Why are you here? Just as they were ready to unload on their hecklers, their combined load broke the corner support of the stage, and a human avalanche was on.
Alegria got it going with 314 pounds.
Beth contributed another 330.
Devon topped him off with her 353.
It all added up to a breathtaking, life-removing 997 pounds of pulchritudinous pounding that shut Paul's mouth forever.
This man all of a sudden had over 1,000 pounds on his chest.
There was no way he was gonna be able to carry this weight.
You can tolerate a remarkably heavy load on the chest without dying, however once you start seeing more than 600 pounds, you start getting into trouble.
The ribs broke, the lungs got punctured, he was no longer able to breathe in and out, and he suffocated to death.
We're going in.
Did you hear the one about the drunk insurance salesman? - What is your talent? - Eating! His jokes about fat [Women scream] Fell flat.