1000 Ways to Die s03e25 Episode Script

Death Be A Lady Tonight

Male narrator: Approximately 106 billion people have ever been born, and every one of them wound up dead.
Here's seven of our latest favorites.
You are some pathetic S.
O.
B.
Narrator: The guy who tried to cut in on a cab [Groaning] Narrator: The football fanatic who went down for a loss.
We got an archaeologist who went a little batty [Screaming] Narrator: A stalker who got the shaft Help! Narrator: A junkie who wound up in a fix [Moaning] Narrator: A hot looker that turned out to be What? You didn't tell me you were a hooker.
Narrator: And some terrorists who got boned by a drone.
That's 106 billion and 7 And counting On the next episode of 1,000 ways to die.
Death is everywhere.
Most of us try to avoid it.
Others can't get out of its way.
Every day, we fight a new war against germs, toxins, injury, illness, and catastrophe.
There's a lot of ways to wind up dead.
The fact that we survive at all is a miracle.
Because every day we live, we face 1,000 ways to die.
What? Okay, that's exactly what the jerkoff in accounting said, and you you agreed with him? Narrator: Meet Ted, a big shot blowhard who gets off by making everyone around him miserable.
You forgot to make the wake-up call for me at the hotel.
Narrator: What Ted lacks in people skills, for a damn taxi.
You know, why can't you for once You you think ahead and maybe get a car for me? Narrator: Ted the bully usually gets what he wants.
Or else, he just takes it.
- Sir! - Hey.
- Sir, hold on a minute.
- Yeah.
- It's her cab, sir.
- It's mine now.
I am late for the airport.
I need this cab right now.
What are you doing? Sir, come on.
On a typical night, 12-hour shift, uh, the average would be about 30 passengers.
Out of the 30 passengers a night, 6 to 8 people would be fighting over the cab.
Some of these were fistfights.
And that's kind of an average night.
She can find another cab in another minute.
- Have a little respect.
- Get your hands off my cab.
[Groaning] Narrator: Looks like Ted's gotten himself into a tight squeeze.
What Ted didn't see Because he was too busy being a tool I need this cab right now! Narrator: Was a utility truck passing with a tow line swinging loose.
The hook got caught in the cab's trunk.
[Groaning] Narrator: The steel cable snapped tight.
And sliced clean through his body.
Bisection injury refers to an injury in which the bottom half of the body is separated from the other half.
Now, through the midsection, there is really only one bone that you have to cut through, and that's the vertebral body of the lumbar spine.
This bisection injury would have caused massive hemorrhage from the veins and arteries of the gut.
This would have caused almost instant death.
Narrator: Ted was a major douche who badgered and bullied everyone he interacted with.
Think ahead and maybe get a car for me.
Narrator: Waiting your turn was for other losers, not him.
Get your hands off my cab.
Narrator: A nicer person might have offered to share that cab.
[Groaning] Narrator: Instead, Ted went halvsies.
When Kate got married, she thought her life was going to be perfect.
And it was.
Until [Screams] She's here, she's here.
- Who's here? - Ashley! Narrator: Ashley, her husband Jared's ex-girlfriend, began to stalk the happy young couple.
She's she's psycho.
Ashley! Narrator: Over time, Ashley's behavior became increasingly erratic, to the point where it was threatening.
Oh Me and a girl, we dated for four years.
Great relationship.
But the moment we broke up, she got nuts.
She put paint thinner on my $50,000 SUV.
Showed up at my door, 3:00 in the morning, completely nude.
This woman even went as far as go to my son's school to give him a note to give to me because I refused to take her calls.
Narrator: The newlyweds decided to take a vacation, and forget about Ashley's weird behavior for a while.
When they returned, they could tell something was wrong.
Kate sensed a presence.
Jared smelled something.
What is that? Narrator: Maybe he forgot to empty the garbage.
So he lit a fire.
[Gasps] Narrator: But as soon as the hardwood took flame, the house filled up with smoke.
What did you do? I didn't do anything.
I don't know.
Narrator: Thinking the flue was stuck closed, Jared reached up and got the surprise of his life.
[Screaming] It's Ashley! She's on top of you! She's [Coughing and gagging] Oh, my [Both yelling] Narrator: It turns out, when the couple left for their trip, Ashley decided to break into their house for more mischief.
The only way in was down the chimney.
But she quickly discovered there was no way out.
Help! Narrator: Seven days of being trapped in the hot and airless shaft In the chimney! Narrator: Left Ashley starving, dehydrated, and finally, dead.
[Screams] Over the five days, she suffered severe dehydration.
The brick-like environment created a hotbed for the worsening of her severe dehydration symptoms.
Her skin would have shriveled up, her kidneys would have shut down.
And her heart would have stopped pumping, killing her.
Narrator: Ashley couldn't get over the fact that Jared chose Kate to be his wife.
She's psycho.
Narrator: Ashley wanted to be the one who said, "I do, until death do us part.
" Help! Narrator: Well, at least she got part of that right.
- Coming up - Yes! Narrator: A sports bar goes sudden death And a tomb raider gets beaten with bats.
Narrator: A sports bar during the NFL season can get pretty crazy.
[All cheering] But then, there are fantasy football fanatics like steljis, who take crazy to a whole new level.
You see him? Take it, Brady, take it.
That's 4 points for me.
Yes! Narrator: Steljis had only two friends, the television remote and the online program that tabulated his fantasy football points.
Yes! 7 points.
I start out going to a bar where every single thing is playing, so even if it's a commercial in one game, I'm watching three of my players score touchdowns and return kicks in another game.
You may have your religions.
I do too.
And mine is 300-pound men running into each other day in and day out.
Narrator: Steljis' fantasy addiction annoyed everyone.
- That's -2 points! Come on, Vick! - Who are you rooting for? - Vick! Narrator: He bounced around from Tv to Tv, keeping tabs on his virtual team.
Come on, Vick.
Redeem yourself! Let's put on the Dallas game.
I got Jason witten playing.
Narrator: Until Man, we're watching this game! Narrator: He pissed off the wrong person.
- What the hell? - What? Narrator: Steljis wasn't much of a fighter And while the tables turned, he slipped off.
[All shouting and grunting] He was trying to catch a few more plays.
But a sports fan like Steljis should know: Never take your eye off the real action.
A piece of the shattered beer mug caught a soft spot in steljis' neck.
The sharp piece of glass flying through the air would have lacerated this gentleman's neck, cutting not only the carotid artery, but the jugular vein.
Now you've cut off both the supply to the brain and from the brain, draining the blood from the brain out quickly.
He could have easily lost three liters of blood within minutes and died.
Narrator: Steljis lived in a fantasy world where nothing matters but touchdowns, interceptions, and yards per carry.
But then he got mugged by reality.
Mark it down, Steljis.
You've been sacked.
This is Courtney.
She's being crushed by an unforgiving metal garage door.
[Groaning] Narrator: How'd that happen? Let's rewind and find out.
She was sneaking around somewhere she shouldn't have been, trying to steal something.
But that's what you do when you're a junkie looking for a fix.
If someone's addicted to an opiate drug, and they start to feel a withdrawal symptom That means it starts to leave their body They go into a state of the most severe flu one's ever had.
If you can imagine taking a pill and having that flu completely go away and not only feel okay again, but feeling better than okay and feeling euphoric, then one becomes desperate just to get ahold of that pill, and they'll do anything to get it.
Narrator: Courtney knows what kind of place has heavy-duty drugs just lying around in the closet.
A hospital.
But how'd she find her way into the locked back gate? Yeah, I need an ambulance.
Narrator: She used a junkie's number one skill There's like a woman.
She's screaming.
And there's blood everywhere.
Narrator: Lying.
Corner of Broadway and Clifton.
- Woman in distress.
- We're on it.
Narrator: She sent the EMTs on a wild goose Chase, snuck into the medical closet, stole the goods, made a break for it, dropped the goods and The commercial garage door with a broken safety shutoff switch crushed her with 1,500 pounds of pressure.
On average, the human chest will collapse at about 800 pounds.
Due to the pressure of the door, it would crush her ribcage, fracturing her ribs and puncturing her lungs, making it impossible for her to breathe.
Narrator: Somebody should call an ambulance.
Say hello to Dutch.
[Coughing] Narrator: And you better hurry, because Dutch is dying in a ratty room in Jinan, China.
Two weeks ago, this antiquities trader, A.
K.
A.
tomb raider, and his sidekick Kim struck gold: A 1,000-year-old Jin dynasty warrior statue.
It could fetch a million on the antiquities black market.
Cultural patrimony the objects themselves belong to the country in which they're found.
Looters are just ripping it out of the ground and selling it, from the most simple objects like little black and white pots in the American southwest, to tombs in the Valley of the Kings.
It's rampant wherever there are material objects and there's a demand for the objects.
Narrator: Dutch didn't believe in curses.
He believed in purses.
Look at that.
Narrator: Two weeks later, Dutch was dying, and it wasn't from any curse.
Leaving the cave, the thieves suddenly realized they had company.
Bats! [Yelling in native language] Let's get out of here! Narrator: Dutch got the statue, and a little something extra from the bats: The SARS virus.
In 2005, when the SARS epidemic broke out in southeast Asia, the horseshoe bats were classified as a natural reservoir, which means that virus is with the bats at all times.
And it doesn't kill the bat, but what it does do, it jumps species to species.
So it jumped from the bat to humans.
And it killed humans.
It was real severe.
Narrator: When the bat bit into Dutch, the SARS virus entered his bloodstream.
It attacked his lungs, shutting down the alveoli, the tiny sacs in the lungs that exchange oxygen for CO2.
The lungs collapsed, filled with blood.
And then Dutch was a goner.
Dutch chose the life of a tomb raider.
But in the end, he got jonesed.
Up next, a call girl gets a splitting headache.
And Visual on target.
Narrator: Obama, where art thou? Hi.
Narrator: Mike has a sad, sad secret.
- Can I join you? - Sure.
Narrator: He hasn't had sex with anything other than his right hand in over three years.
And he's married.
You're so cute.
Narrator: So imagine his excitement when a smoking hot babe came on to him during a recent business trip.
I want to go see your room.
Do you? Really? Yeah.
- You like? - Yes.
Narrator: But Carmen has her own secret.
- Okay, wait, wait, wait.
- What, what? It's gonna be two grand for tonight.
What? You didn't tell me you were a hooker.
Like I would hook up with you.
I'm not paying you.
My price range varies.
It could be $300 an hour, or $25,000 for a weekend.
If a guy insists on not paying, or claims he didn't know he had to pay, I have ways of making it very clear of what he owes me.
And once we get to the room, I'm not leaving without my money.
Seriously? Narrator: Like a lot of hookers, Carmen didn't work alone.
I don't have time for this.
Narrator: When a client balked at the price, she would send out a text.
[Knock at door] And the next thing you know Who are you? Narrator: Big Hank was there to add some muscle to the shakedown.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You just can't come in here like that.
Narrator: Tonight, Carmen and karma were on a collision course.
I'm not paying, and I want you out.
Give us our money.
Get out of the room! Narrator: And met head-on In Mike's bathroom.
She hit her head right at a crucial area with such force against the hard marble countertop that it split her skull wide open, causing C.
S.
F, or central spinal fluid, to leak out.
She became unconscious at the same time that she died.
Narrator: Mike was just a horny married guy.
You're so cute.
Narrator: Carmen was a hooker looking to hustle a John.
It's gonna be two grand for tonight.
Narrator: In the end You didn't tell me you were a hooker.
Narrator: Mike didn't get laid I'm not paying you.
Narrator: But Carmen sure got screwed.
The study of war is the study of technology, from sticks and stones to swords, to bullets and guns.
Those who have the technological upper hand have the advantage.
History has shown that technology can win wars.
The romans developed the best armor possible by mixing different alloys.
When they discovered this, they were able to repel arrows and spears.
During the Civil War, the North was able to overcome the South because of the invention of the mortar.
In World War II, because of the atomic bomb, not only were we able to end the war, but we were able to win it.
Narrator: Today in Afghanistan, a group of Taliban terrorists are killing American soldiers with crudely made bombs and automatic weapons.
Very 20th century.
8,000 miles away, at a command center in Nevada Visual on target.
Narrator: The warriors of the future are preparing for battle.
Eagle eye in the sky.
Proceeding to hunting ground.
Narrator: This is a drone aircraft control room.
Eagle eye, permission to engage.
The newest form of the predator is the reaper.
And that's pretty much a predator on steroids.
It's twice the wingspan, twice the duration, twice the altitude.
It will go up to 55,000 feet.
At that height, you don't even know it's up there until you're dead.
Narrator: Al, the soldier of the future, is a former video gamer who couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag.
Range deck is 7,000 feet.
Narrator: His weapon of choice? A joystick.
[Shouting in native language] Narrator: While the intended targets scramble around in the dirt, al doesn't even break a sweat.
Using satellites, high-speed computers, and the latest in cutting-edge technology, all al has to do is wait for the order - Permission to engage.
- Weapons free.
Narrator: And press a button.
Missiles launched.
Narrator: Responding to al's electronic command, the drone dropped a 500-pound, laser-guided bomb, and took out one of the Taliban's most sought-after terrorist cells.
Target is neutralized.
Good job, guys.
Narrator: You often hear the phrase, "he who dies with the most toys wins.
" Visual on target.
Narrator: For these terrorists, it's more like, he who doesn't have the latest toys Missiles launched.
Narrator: Dies.
Hey, man.
You ready to get food?