18 to Life s02e06 Episode Script

Family Portrait

My painting! Where's dad? Still being questioned.
Are they going to arrest him? I don't know.
Full name? Bellow.
Your first name is bellow? Bellow comma Benjamin.
Judge bellow? There is an explanation.
I can't wait to hear it.
It all started with that damned painting.
We didn't ask for it to come into our lives, but it did.
Ever since jessie married tom, I've wanted to do this for you.
Why do I have a beard? It's so huge.
I know.
What do we do? We burn it.
But it's in our house.
Then we burn down the house.
But sometimes the only thing to do when fate drop-kicks you in the nuts is to take it like a man.
So What do you think? Oh.
We love it.
Can't we find a way that we could be together? Is there any way that we could be together? And oh by the way, baby, do you love me? Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Whoo hoo hoo adrianocsi we devised a plan to deal with the portrait and at first it worked.
We have company.
I'll be right there! Hey! Hi.
Oh, Tara! Hi! Just came to Borrow some sugar.
But after one too many close calls, we couldn't take it.
Something had to be done.
If not for us, for the family.
I'm just saying, it's not like bugs is anatomically correct.
So how do we really know he's a guy? All cartoon animals are by default male unless they sex 'em up.
Big eyelashes.
Bow in the hair.
So who's the sexiest cartoon animal? Petunia pig.
Porky's girlfriend? Yeah! Short skirt.
No underwear.
So, that time we made our movie, you suggested I wear the hair bow, and that short skirt.
No, that had nothing to do with Petunia.
There was a barnyard theme.
And you called me Petunia! Coincidence! Have a look for yourself.
You looked nothing like her.
That disk was destroyed.
Tom! I told you to banish that thing to the land of never-was! I thought you meant the land of never-show-it-to-me-again- but-you-can-keep-it- for-yourself-honey! Please.
Not the face.
This is the part where you find that disk and you destroy it in front of me.
Or this is the only face you'll be seeing.
She's still at it? 'Fraid so.
Off-key Mary had a little lamb we never mentioned the painting, but we felt it.
Something foul was in the air.
What on earth are you smoking? A cigar.
Capitolos, actually.
Got a whole box for five hundred bucks.
You know how I feel about cigars in the house.
You know how I feel about your viola ambitions.
So that's how it's going to be? That's how it's going to be.
What happened to us, Ben? We've been at each other for days.
That portrait is what happened.
"I'll paint your whole family," says she.
"Oooh! That'd be lovely," says you.
"Let's hang it in the living room," says she.
"Why not?" Says you.
What was I supposed to do? Suggest the basement? We could have hung it in your study.
I'd have sooner hung myself.
I'll get the rope! The stench was spreading.
Everyone was on edge.
Even my son.
It was right here.
You kept that thing in open view? Well, no.
I hid it in some stupid game.
I gave that to your dad.
I thought it might help his golf swing! Tom, stop! What? You're naked.
And? We could spill paint on it.
Accidentally, of course.
I think that's what Tara did.
Why don't we just tell her the truth? Every time Wendy sees it, she cries and wets herself.
Huh? I'll tell ya.
This is only a problem as long as tom and jessie are married.
If we were to covertly undermine their marriage Be serious.
Show me a downside on that one.
I have an idea.
But it might go against the values that make us who we are.
And it might be illegal.
I'm an officer of the court, Judith.
I'm bound by the law.
You really said that? Verbatim.
And I meant it.
But a crime was committed.
It wasn't our intent.
But I'm getting to that.
I can't look at that thing for the next thirty-five years! It's just a stupid painting.
Why can't you get used to it? We'll have to move from here.
For the love of God! No, no.
We debated.
I was adamant but she kept at me.
And deep down I knew it was our best shot.
We're really going to do this, aren't we? The plan was simple.
We would stage a minor break-in that would appear real to Tara and Phil.
And then we'd take not only the painting, but also a few other items of value.
The stolen items would be taken to the basement and hidden in the furnace room temporarily.
We would create signs of forced entry.
Judith would then drive me to work.
Return a short while later and discover the break-in.
Naturally she'd have to inform Tara of this unfortunate crime.
Tears would be shed.
And the matter would be put to rest.
Later that night, the "stolen" items would be driven to my office.
The painting, of course, would be destroyed.
At least that was the plan.
Didn't work? No, everything worked perfectly and we all got off Scott-free.
Do you have children, sergeant? Tom! You're supposed to be at work.
You're supposed to be in class.
I'm just uh Looking for something.
What are you doing? We'reRedecorating.
What are you looking for? Nothing.
Nothing important.
Clearly, we'd have to wait until everyone was gone.
We didn't want to corrupt the innocent.
Did you get our sex tape? You could have just asked him for it.
What if he'd already seen it? Then he'd know why I was asking.
And then he'd arch one eyebrow and I would know that he knew.
And he would know that I knew.
And then I'd have to go upstairs and take a bath with the toaster.
Don't worry.
I will find it.
I'll just wait until they leave.
Let's do this.
Ben! What? Oh, right.
That's done.
What happened here? What are you doing home? Class got cancelled.
Kitchen fire, yeah.
Paperboy off the wagon again? No, we had a break-in.
They took the tv.
The DVD player.
And Tara's painting.
Who would want to steal that? Ah, who knows what goes on with those druggies? They took the games, too! We're all suffering here.
We can't let them get away with this! You know how it is.
By now the tv's been broken into parts, turned into computer monitors and blenders.
And the portrait, it's probably half-way to abu dhabi by now.
Half-way already? Didn't this just happen? We should count ourselves lucky we only had a few things stolen.
And then the plan began to go horribly wrong.
That's right.
Yeah, a break-in.
67 Henderson Avenue.
Hurry up;It just happened.
The police are on their way.
Well done.
So you never wanted us to show up.
Well, no, of course not.
That would have meant filing a false report.
Anathema to a fellow soldier in justice.
Fellow soldier? You ever been tasered, judge bellow? Hm? But it should have been so neat.
So tidy.
But my son got all bent out of shape over some stupid video game.
It seems every plan has its wrinkles.
Did you recover any of the stolen property? Not yet.
Are you going to dust for prints? Hey, do I go down to the mall and tell you how to loiter? Is everything all right? We saw the police car.
Oh Tara, it's Terrible.
Why would somebody steal my painting? Well, who knows what goes on with these drug-addled punks? No, Ben.
These people were pros.
They took all of our big ticket items.
Clearly they knew what was valuable.
Sure, yeah! They had one look at that and knew they could make a mint off it.
I mean, your choice of colours, your brush strokes.
You must know that you have a gift.
You really think so? Oh, absolutely.
Mm hm.
Ben? Kitchen.
That really hurt.
The idea is to assuage her, not insult her.
Keep it together or we're going to get caught.
Do you have a list of missing items? Well, the television naturally.
And the DVD player.
They also stole a box of capitolo cigars.
I think you're mistaken there, Judith.
I checked.
Gone I'm afraid.
Is that it? Some games were stolen, too.
There was one especially Golf-tastic.
You hate golf.
It's mine.
And I--I want it back.
I have to work on my backhand.
Wait, the golf game? I think Wendy took that to her sleepover at Pam's.
So is that it? No.
They also stole a viola.
What? Mm.
Gone I'm afraid.
V-I-o-l-a I think this is the place.
Is that it? Oh my God! She's got it! She's got our game.
Oh! Heh heh.
Your best defence against these thieves is vigilance.
Yes, yes.
I want to be vigilante.
No, not vigilante.
You say tomato, I say kill the bastard! Kill the bastard.
Oh, Judith.
This is just horrible.
I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry.
If there's anything Anything at all that I can do for you, just ask.
I will.
That's interesting.
Wouldn't you think that if thieves were breaking in, that the glass would spray inside the house? Well, the physics of these things is difficult to predict, Phil.
You know, the glass probably vibrates in and out and then when it finally breaks, who knows where it goes? Especially from that height, right? Well, there's another thing.
Wouldn't you think that thieves would break the lower window instead of the cheaper, easy-to-replace pane up top? I don't know what goes on in the criminal mind, Phil! Aren't you a judge? Ha! Ha! The seams were unravelling.
I had not factored in my oafish but surprisingly tenacious neighbour.
I'm just curious.
Where were you guys when this happened? Judith was driving me to work.
Mm hm.
The car never left the driveway.
Sure it did! You're just too sedated to notice.
We were only gone minutes.
Five tops.
So this was a professional operation then.
It certainly was.
They must have been casing the joint and knew exactly what they wanted.
And one of those things was Tara's painting? I guess so.
A pity you didn't set the alarm.
We forgot.
Imagine that.
The only time you forget to set the alarm and there's a crack team of thieves waiting to pounce the moment you leave.
I know.
Ah well.
I'm in the way.
I'll just go.
He knows.
I know.
I found the golf-tastic disk under the couch so I put it where it belonged.
Last time I do anything nice for you.
And the first time.
What'd you do with the disk inside the case? What's on the thing anyways? Bootleg Petunia pig cartoons.
You're sick.
Bootlegs are against the law.
The disk, Wendy.
I put it in one of mom's lame DVD's.
Which one? "On golden pond"? Ok.
That's good.
Where is it? I sold it to the serial killer.
I'm not gonna get it.
Well, I'm not gonna get it.
Why would you do that? He's not actually a serial killer.
He's a professional clown.
That's even worse! I can't believe you guys are old enough to vote.
Well? There's only one thing to do.
We're not going to the serial killer alone.
You're right.
We need backup.
Neighbourhood watch members may not possess weapons or engage in racial profiling.
This is a perfect space.
I like to think so.
I can put the paint cans over here and stack the canvasses over there.
Why would you do that? Well, since I'll be painting again, I'm going to need a proper work space.
And if the fumes get too much, I can just swing open the garage door.
It's already got a built-in alarm system.
I mean, it's made for me! Oh Phil, I am so excited.
I'm going to be painting again! I'm so happy! What do you want, Phil? I know this robbery was a ruse so you could rid yourselves of my wife's painting.
What? Don't be ridiculous.
We loved that painting.
It was An abomination.
Admit it.
Hell, I'll admit it.
I don't think we have anything to discuss, Phil.
It's in the basement, isn't it? Where you keep all the "stolen items.
" Cause you wouldn't take them out during the day.
I think you've been in the sun too long.
Have I? Stop! God! What dyou want, Phil? Because of you, and your asinine scheme, Tara thinks thieves fell in love with her painting.
Magnifico! She thinks the thieves were Italian? The point is she thinks somebody actually wanted that painting, which only fuelled the fire.
Now she's taking over my garage! My sanctuary! So? What do you want from me? I want you to break into our garage and steal all her painting supplies.
Are you out of your mind? I'm a judge! Do you know what her next project is going to be? Another portrait for you.
Only this one is going to make the last one look like a postage stamp.
He doesn't really act like a serial killer.
Professional clowns are trained in deception.
You got it! Thank you! Please tell me both disks are inside the case.
"On golden pond", and our film! Yes! He said second disk is especially good.
He loves the lips.
What? The flaming lips.
I burned a flaming lips concert the same day I burned our movie.
It was for your dad.
My dad has our movie? What movie? Petunia pig! No, I don't know, Phil.
I mean, come on, even if we steal her supplies, she's just gonna buy new ones.
But it'll set her back.
By then I'll be able to steer her into something else.
Maybe oncoming traffic.
And so a pact was made.
Unlike the man himself, Phil's plan was surprisingly elegant.
While Phil created an alibi for himself I entered the garage and removed Tara's paints and brushes.
We also took the opportunity to remove the stolen items from the basement.
It was the perfect plan.
But I made one mistake.
I forgot to turn the alarm back on.
My dad keeps everything in here.
Do you know the code? Mom always uses the Mayan creation date.
So obvious.
My paintings! Agh! Phil! All clear.
No need for backup.
It's domestic; It's under control.
Whoa boy.
Io ctter) I take it that was the painting in question.
That would be it.
Well? You leave me no choice.
I'm at a crossroads here, people.
This little fracas of yours has got the potential of creating more paperwork than an actual murder investigation.
All because you couldn't be honest with each other.
This is the part where people recognize the error of their ways and apologize.
Oh, for cryin-- everyone.
Turn to the person to his or her right and say they're sorry.
For what it's worth, I actually am sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
Let's never do that again.
I'm just glad we found the disk before your dad did.
And it's in your capable hands.
I thought you took it! You're kidding, right? I am sorry, too.
I sent your disk to my village.
They love Petunia pig.
What are you all waiting for? Go home! Thank you.
Excuse me.
Where's the washroom? Where's your passport? I go this way.
Surprise! It's even better than the first one.
And of course, much, much bigger.
Hope you like it, Ben.