18 to Life s02e07 Episode Script

I fall asleep to your serenade.
I wake up to your saving grace.
(Ben snoring) (Strumming ukelele) I see the sunbeam the perfect ray I want to send out a gazillion bouquets (song continues) (Whispers) Tom.
Hey! Tom.
(Tom groans) Hey.
(Grunt) (Crash) (Tom shouts in pain) I'm sorry! Did I wake you? No.
No, that was the floor.
This blanket smells like granny bellow.
We should get a duvet, one of those down ones, unless they actually kill the ducklings.
Go to sleep! Do they have to kill them to pluck the down off their backs? Shhh, I have a big knife skills test coming up.
The sharp end goes down; How hard can it be? Jessie, please.
I need some sleep.
Do you want to have sex? Let's do this.
(Guitar, tambourine and hand claps) Boy: Can't we find a way that we could be together? Girl: Is there any way that we could be together? Both: And oh by the way, baby, do you love me? Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Whoo hoo hoo AdrianoCSI jessie: Hurry up! I'm late for class.
How did we sleep in when I didn't even sleep? Whose fault is that? You weren't complaining last night.
Yeah, I was! But you couldn't hear me under all your talk of Ducklings and bills and how much you love me.
Why are you only wearing one shoe? I can't find anything in our closet.
It's like the floor of a nudist colony.
(Phone rings) That's for me! I got it.
Ow! Tom and jessie's phone, tom speaking.
How may I help you? Ah, jessie's in the bathroom dropping a deuce.
Professor tarnowski.
Just a sec.
I can't believe I agreed to sharing one cell.
Hi, Professor tarnowski! Ha ha ha.
Tara: She's visiting you after twenty years.
How do you know she still likes darts? Nobody likes darts.
Darts just gives drinking a context.
I don't know, Phil.
Every time a guy is best friends with a girl, I always assume that they want sex.
I mean, do you? You're jealous.
No, I am not jealous! You are a lying jealous liar! I am not jealous; I'm clever.
If you two were such good friends, then why did it take her this long to visit? I mean, obviously she wants something.
Oh, I know exactly what she wants.
She wants my stick.
Your stick? My prized possession.
My nest egg.
Back in the day, I won two tickets to see Phil Collins.
I took Serena; She caught his autographed drumstick.
But she was sitting in my seat; They were my tickets.
So I made an executive decision I keptThe stick.
Ahhhh! You like Phil Collins.
Nobody likes Phil Collins; That's not the point.
But you know how much this drumstick could be worth one day? Five bucks? See? Jealous.
No.
Maybe she's using the drumstick as an excuse to get into your pants.
That could be true If she swung that way.
She's gay? As the eighties.
Well! At least we know which stick she's not interested in.
Oh! Oh.
(Motorcycle engine) Oh my God! Judith.
Judith! Judith.
You wouldn't believe who's outside.
Serena manson.
An old flame of mine.
Why is she here? After twenty-five years, you'd think she'd be over me by now.
Carrying a torch that long.
(Snort) Serena manson.
My God! You haven't changed a bit.
Sorry, do I know you? Oh, it's ok.
I told my wife about us.
Hello.
I'm Judith.
I'm Ben's wife.
Help me out here.
You're friends of Phil and Tara's? It's me.
It's Ben.
Ben bellow.
We dated in university.
We tried to make Sushi.
You introduced me to marijuana.
I had you arrested.
Ring any bells? Uh, this is sixty-nine Henderson, right? That's next door.
Great.
Uh, well uh, nice meeting you.
Oh.
Must've forgot her contacts, I guess.
Something.
I don't see why you need one of these.
Because if jessie doesn't sleep, then I can't sleep.
And if I can't sleep, I'm going to butcher my knife skills class.
So to speak.
Oh! Check it out.
The you-snooze.
Good entry-level white noise machine.
Mostly nature sounds.
Affordable, but the quality is lame.
How do you know this stuff? You would not believe how hard it is for a girl to fall asleep next to a strange guy.
I would if that guy's you.
That's why I come equipped with one of these bad boys.
The sooner they're asleep, the sooner I can spoon them.
What? The sonic duvet by slumber science! I've read about this.
That's a lot of money to spend without asking jessie.
So call her.
I can't, she's got the cell.
The cell? You're sharing one phone? It cut costs.
And your balls in one fell swoop.
So can I use your phone or not? No.
I'm using it to text jessie an apology for sending her that picture of me on the toilet.
Serena: That was after we drank that mushroom tea and we got chased by those mailboxes, remember? Yes! Oh man! You sound crazier than Phil here.
Yeah, we had fun.
(Giggle) Well, then one day you wake up and you realize something's missing.
It's not missing if it wasn't yours in the first place.
Jessie: Hey, guys.
Phil: Hey.
Hey.
This is jessie? Mm hm.
Wow, look at her! Oh, skin like porcelain and such a beautiful smile.
Thank you.
You look like a runner.
Are you a runner or a dancer? So Jess, where's your husband, tom? How should I know? We're married, not joined at the hip.
I am my own individual with my own mind.
Everything ok, sweetie? I didn't sleep last night.
You don't look bad.
Good genes, I guess.
I'll say.
Yeah, ok, Phil, why don't you take Serena and show her the garage? I'm gonna hook jessie up with a hot bath.
Ooooh! Judith: You weren't even a blip on her radar.
Oh, it was only a couple of dates.
Well, one date should have been enough.
You're Ben bellow.
What do you care? It's an insult to me.
I mean you.
She doesn't know what she missed.
You're a judge, for heaven sakes.
You're right.
I am an absolute catch.
She'll see the light.
And how exactly is that going to happen? I'll shine it in her eyes if I have to.
(Clap clap) (Ocean waves / seagulls) I don't know about this.
It's peaceful and calming.
And loud.
You can turn the volume down.
Why can't we plug it in on your side? Cause I don't need a sound soother; You do.
(Spray) Oh! That's the scented mist.
It just peed in my face! You can't just fix me with a machine, tom.
Oh yeah? Wait till you hear the train.
(Click) (Train whistle) Choo choo.
(Train chugging) Remember to give these biceps a flex when she passes by.
Believe me, Judith, you better call a plumber because these pipes are about to burst.
(Door closes) Here she comes.
Pretend you're sexy.
Wha? Ben bellow.
Oh, hey there.
How're you doing? I remember you now.
I didn't recognize you without your retainer.
Oh.
Heh heh heh.
So what have you been doing all these years? I became a photo journalist.
You? A judge.
Graduated top of my class actually.
You know how I used to always like law.
Right.
Well uh, I gotta get going.
Okeydoke.
Ha ha ha ha.
I think that went well, eh Judith? What is her problem? No luck with the phantom shoe? Eaten by your underwear pile.
How'd you do on the knife skills test? I'm guessing b minus? Ok, c.
F, Jess.
All cause you couldn't sleep.
It's like this closet, tom.
Our lives have become one.
(Phone rings) That's for me.
Hello.
It's for you.
It's coincidence.
Don't you get it? I can't even go to the bathroom without you knowing the 411.
I need my space.
If it's space you want, Jess, you got it.
(Sigh) (Door closes) That would have been so much more effective if I actually had somewhere to go.
You know what? Why don't I go? Maybe I can reset the button on my sleep routine for both of us.
Serena: You must be so proud of jessie.
I mean she is the total package.
Oh, you think so? She's amazingly self-assured for her age.
I mean you would never know she's only eighteen.
Ok, that's enough, Serena.
She is half your age! You think I'm interested in her? No, not like that.
As a human being! Seriously, she's a great kid.
Oh my God.
I am so embarrassed.
I don't know what I was thinking.
But truthfully, um, there is something I would like to get.
Oh.
Yeah? Phil's sperm.
No, it's not a perm; His hair's naturally curly.
No, I didn't say perm, I said sperm.
I want to have Phil's baby.
Hey, mom? Can I have my old room back? Sure.
I feel bad kicking Serena out of the guest room that will forever be my room no matter what you call it.
Don't worry about it, sweetie.
We'll just do a little shuffling, that's all.
Did you take care of that, hon? (Softly) The drumstick is under lock and key.
I meant Serena's bed.
Right! Right.
I'll go get the blankets.
Thanks.
Oh and for what it's worth, it's just for a couple nights.
Very short sperm.
What? Short term.
I'm so tired I can't even speak.
Well, these dishes aren't gonna wash themselves.
Look, Tara, I know that this is a lot to absorb and that's why I wanted to make sure you were ok with it before I asked Phil.
Why wouldn't I be ok with it? I mean, I'm a modern, liberated woman, right? Well, why don't you talk to him, feel him out and if he's uncomfortable, I'll never mention it again.
Ok, just one question.
Why Phil? Because of all the guys I ever met, he's still the best.
He breathes through his mouth and he scratches himself.
A lot.
Congenital eczema.
You wanted to have Jess.
You must know why I want to have a child.
Ok.
I'll think about it.
You think these jeans make Ava's butt look big? Kinda, yeah.
By the way, if this ends in divorce, I call the white noise machine.
This is just until we catch up on our sleep.
One night.
Two, tops.
It's perfectly normal.
When you're our age, perfectly normal is farting the alphabet or fantasizing about your best friend's mom.
Sorry.
What are you doing in my closet? Is there something you want to tell me? It's jessie's.
But chicks hate sharing closets.
Even I know that and I only pretend to listen to them when they talk.
It's more than just our closet she wants to get away from.
Dude, this is a good thing.
You have the whole place to yourself.
Enjoy it, brother! Male singer: Hard times never ever have been easy.
Sometimes all you gotta do is fight.
Take time cause I don't want you to leave me make time cause I want you in my life.
Our heads are feelin' lighter our legs weak at the knees so come on, hold me tighter let's shine brighter, let's be you and me (sigh) (Spray) Oh! (Click) (Heartbeat) Ow! Oh.
I'm sorry honey, did I wake you? What's up? Well, I saw this flyer today and someone was giving away their puppies.
Isn't that weird? Just giving away your puppies like that? Yeah.
You could totally sell them.
What if we had puppies? And Serena wanted one.
Do you think that we would be ok with that? Sure.
Serena's great.
What if the puppy looked like you and Serena did something that you didn't agree with, like put a choke collar on it or a fuzzy little vest.
We'd ask her not to.
You see, Phil? Here's the thing, right? Once you give your puppy away, you no longer have a say.
The puppy is now hers.
We're not talking about puppies anymore, are we.
No.
We're talking about the drumstick.
(Sigh) That woman is relentless.
(Yawn) (Cheerful) Hey, you.
Your turn with the phone.
You seem perky this morning.
I slept like a baby.
How about you? Great! So you're coming back? No.
No, I'm gonna need another sleep.
Or two.
Ish.
I realized last night that we got married so fast I didn't really get a chance to say goodbye.
To what? My room.
My space.
Single jessie.
I just think I need a little time to catch up with myself.
That doesn't sound like a threat to our marriage at all.
I knew you'd understand.
(Smooch) Oh! Hey! Tara! Did you talk to him? I did.
And he's not quite sure what to make of it all.
He said no? Phil's never really been good at sharing.
Well, I'm not asking him to share.
You're certainly not asking to borrow it.
Oh, come on, Tara.
Please? The clock is ticking.
You know what? You're right.
The grocery store's gonna close in ten minutes.
Gotta go.
Come on, Tara! Tara, come on! We need to talk about this! (Toots car horn) (Sigh) Everything ok? Can I ask you a personal question? Sure.
If an old friend of Ben's who's a really good person and would make a fantastic mother decided to have a baby on her own and needed Ben's sperm.
You think Ben would be ok with that? Oh my God.
You want Ben's sperm? God no.
No, I want Phil's.
Oh.
Female singer and at the break of day you sink into a dream Phil's sperm? Phil? They only have one kid and she married tom! We have three perfectly healthy children, two of whom are excellent.
Why wouldn't she want yours? It's as if she's trying to drag down the species.
Honestly, Phil.
I can sleep on the couch again.
No one should have to sleep on that couch for more than one night.
Besides, what's mine is yours.
It is? Have a good sleep.
(Grunt) Oh! Ok.
That's it.
The cot in the basement makes more sense than this.
(Click - tv comes on) What're you doing? I just slept for twelve hours straight.
I'm wide awake.
You should take my bed.
I can't do that, sweetie.
But I'm the reason Serena took yours.
Seriously, I'm gonna be up for a while.
Female singer: It was never just a dream All of those endless parties Many a sunrise- (both yell) You're supposed to be in the loft.
You're supposed to be my wife.
The hairy arms didn't tip you off? I thought it was a sweater.
Hey, while we're here.
There is no we, here.
Not ever.
Yeah, but if we were here, what would you tell me about getting jessie to come back to our bed? Let me guess.
You guys go to bed at the same time every night.
Yeah.
Dude.
You gotta create space.
Give her a couple nights a week where she goes to bed alone.
Say you're watching the game; you're out with buddies.
Anything.
Alone time? If you want to survive all this togetherness, you gotta guard each other's independence.
Hey.
What are you doing? I have to go, Phil.
But before I do, one question.
Why won't you give it to me? Ha! I knew this is why you came.
If you knew it, then you must have a pretty good answer to my question.
It's a matter of principle, Serena.
I don't understand.
It's simple.
You don't deserve it.
Why? Because I'm a lesbian? No! I'm just not gonna give it away for free.
You want to charge me? Ok, just stop it! Stop it.
Honey, Serena didn't come here for your drumstick.
She wants to have a baby.
She wants your baby-paste.
God, no! I mean, wow, that's really flattering, but no.
I couldn't.
Dude, you know I love you, but Tara and I decided to have one child for a reason.
There's only so much room on this planet.
I'm so sorry.
You see? That's why I chose you.
You're a good man, Phil.
I'm sorry, I was so afraid that you were gonna say yes.
I - I should have trusted you.
Serena, if there's anything else we can do to help you out.
WellWhere's that drumstick you mentioned? Sorry.
Hey! I got your text.
I've been thinking about the you and the me and that lonely red shoe.
Just because we're married doesn't mean we have to share everything.
Ok.
So this is the ta-dah part.
(Orchestral flourish) Jessie: Wow.
And my other shoe! Look inside.
(Gasp) My own private cell phone! We can find other places to cut corners.
But I can't sleep without you, Jess.
Awww! And I know there'll be days when you want your own space and that's fine.
And you can have the bed to yourself whenever you want it.
But just say you'll come home.
Who could say no to a closet like that? And I will take you up on the bed offer.
But not tonight.
(Click) (Ocean surf) Ever done it on a beach? Surf's up! Well, I'll ask around for you.
I know a lot of fabulous men.
Or there's always Ben.
Right, Judith? Oh yeah.
It makes a lot more sense.
"Once you go Ben, you'll want it again.
" Oh stop.
Did I mention I'm gay? "Once you go Ben, you're finished with men.
" (Laughter) Anyway, I found my sperm donor for what it's worth.
Thanks for the drumstick.
Carter! I don't know who Phil Collins is, but you will never guess what I had to do to get his drumstick.
Ebay, here I come.
AdrianoCSI