18 to Life s02e11 Episode Script

Like Father, Like Son's Best Friend

Stealing food? Like you aren't.
Anything good? Is that Dad.
It's tax time.
I volunteered last time.
He made you cry last time and I had to finish! Well, that was merely a ploy to get out of it and you know it.
Fifty bucks if you volunteer.
Cash up front.
Ahah! Just the two people I wanted to see.
It's tax time! Daddy, I'll help you this year.
Oh! Great! Father/daughter week will be but you should know I just started my period.
Monica sweetheart, you shouldn't interrupt me because what I was going to say is that was father/daughter week will be next year, because this year I choose Tom! Would you believe me if I said I, too was on my period? Yes, I would.
But you can still file at the same time.
Come on, let's do this thing.
How could I not know Vinnie was cheating on me? I mean his name is Vinnie! I can't believe I sacrificed my virginity to him.
Uh, did we just enter a gap in the space-time continuum? I mean my relationship virginity, Jessie.
And now I'm just a relationship divorcee.
Tell me what I can do.
My body is craving a warm, pressurized squeeze.
A hug? Is that what that is? Oh.
Come here.
You're so lucky to have a guy like Tom.
He's totally the kind of guy that would be cool with this favour.
What favour? You know the rules.
Six A.
It's eleven-thirty.
Have you been sitting here waiting for me for five-and- a-half hours? We can roll quitting time forward.
So to review.
The files proceed from goldenrod to crimson, magenta, chocolate, blanched almond, olive, sage, salmon What time's lunch? Come on, Tom.
Focus in here, huh? Something tells me this could be the year we see this through together.
Hey, that's sage! Sage! Sage! Sage! Isn't it obvious? On behalf of sage enthusiasts everywhere, I'm gonna say no! It's olive.
Your kitchen expertise is obviously not helping you here, mister.
If anywhere.
Are we here to organize your taxes or pick me apart? The beauty of my system is we can do both.
And hey, would it hurt you to wear a real shirt? This is a real shirt! One with buttons on it! Ten minutes in and you're already judging me.
I'm a judge.
It's literally what I do.
Let's start again.
Ok? This is not just about taxes, Tom.
Admittedly, mostly it is.
But a little father-son bonding never hurt anyone.
Tell that to Jesus.
I wanted to save this as a surprise but Voila.
Two tickets to the Wilmont father-son golf tourney, which will be graced by golf God, Jack Dailey.
Yay! I know.
Huh? I don't wanna compare him to Hitler, but Mussolini's bald, so For what it's worth, I think it'd be pretty cool to work for a judge.
I'm delighted to hear you say that because I'm in a position to make all your dreams come true.
I meant a sexy lady judge, not your dad.
But it would be perfect.
You'd act as a buffer and maybe even make it go faster.
I'm kind of still married to the whole idea of a sexy lady judge.
My dad knows sexy lady judges.
Yeah? And I'll pay you fifty bucks.
Sold! Oh, hey, Phil.
You mind doing the gutters today? Oh, I'd love to, baby.
But first I need a little "Phil time".
Phil? Would you mind helping me with these potatoes? Sure.
They were on sale.
You're a prince! Hey! Judith.
How did you get him to do that? I mean, I couldn't get him out of his lounger if it was on fire.
I guess it's harder to say no to your neighbour than it is to your wife.
You don't mind, do you? It's tax time, and I am one husband down.
Ben does your taxes, too? Wow.
I really am getting the short end of the stick here, huh? Let me make it up to you.
How about I lend you a juicer? Or a Wendy? Yeah.
I'm good.
Wait a minute.
Maybe there is something that you could do for me.
I have had the kind of day that only hot wild sex will cure.
Not in the mood.
And you're not Jessie.
And you're wearing sweats.
They're not sweats, they're activity pants.
If that activity is sweating.
Hey, baby! Ava just broke up with Vinnie and she's pretty upset.
Upset that it's over or upset because she was dating a guy named Vinnie? You know I can hear you, right? I told her she could spend the night.
I hope the couch is comfortable.
For me.
Oh! I know exactly what will make you feel better: ice cream and a Nora Ephron movie with a rock band chaser.
You know what would really make me feel better? Cutting off Vinnie's man-root.
Did that get weird? She seems to be totally losing it.
I can't wait till we're together again.
No, it's true.
I seriously miss you.
I know, but you looked hot today.
Who are you talking to? Uh, no one.
Why? What did you hear? Just enough.
What up, white boy? Just cause you're carrying a basketball does not mean you're black.
Says you, racist.
I'm just here to shoot hoops, yo.
Except we're not gonna play ball today.
Your orientation with my dad starts right now.
Oh, what? Not cool! Hey, dad! Great news.
Carter has offered to help out with the taxes this year.
Carter who once got his genitals stuck in our mailbox Carter? It was a dare.
He doesn't know the filing system, let alone possess any acceptable social skills.
Which is why he's here today: To prep for the real work tomorrow.
All right, Carter.
Park your ball outside.
And let's go.
And stay away from our mailbox.
Are we on walking clichés? Oh! I couldn't walk right now.
Besides, ice cream is classic for a reason.
Thanks for letting me vent.
We've gotta have each others' backs.
Some guys are evil.
Anything with a penis is evil.
Except for Lady Gaga.
We'll make you forget all about Vinnie.
I'll never forget about him.
That cheating, secret-phone-calling, guilty gift-giving son of a Evening, ladies! Whenever I'm feeling crappy, I'm all about the caramel corn.
And I got Fluffy pillows from downstairs for your lounging comfort.
I'll be hiding over here if you need anything.
Every man alive reminds me of Vinnie.
Well, except Tom.
Except Tom.
Ahhh, Tom! Right on time.
And by right on time, I mean an hour late.
As I was saying.
If you split the magenta into two sub-files, then it'd be easier to differentiate between personal and family expenses.
That's that's crazy, Carter.
Dad's been using this system for years.
And I've been considering sub-files for just as many.
It adds the advantage of creating instant duplicates for property taxes.
You're absolutely right.
You're absolutely freaking me out.
Let's do this.
Yeah! The salamander file, right? Tom, you get the coffee.
I think we're going to need it.
You almost ready, hon? Those skater boys won't know what hit them.
Ladies and gentleman, the hottest chick It's Ava Turner! TaDah? I'm not ready to face the world yet.
Besides, shark week's started and I don't have cable at my apartment.
So I'm gonna have to stay a little longer.
I'll just run that by Tom.
Really? You're gonna let some guy make all your decisions for you? What am I saying? Of course you can stay.
So what are you making me for breakfast? And every time it rains, your gutters overflow and wash away my Petunia seedlings.
So you want me to clean out my gutters.
They're forecasting rain.
I'll get the ladder.
You drove him out of his own office? You are masterful, Carter Boyd.
I'm an amateur.
But your dad I know.
I'm going to get the fifty bucks to you in small, manageable payments.
No, no, I meant Ben is awesome! Did you know that he can blow bubbles out of his eyes? Ben.
These words are not designed to be in the same sentence.
Ah, coffee.
Here you go.
Who's that for? I'm still here, dad.
Oh yeah.
Well, if you want.
But it turns out Carter is like having three of you.
Good thing you're here, bud.
There's nothing greater than a father's praise.
It's like a warm hug.
With this kind of back-up, it is clear that I can once again finish without you.
He's like the son I never had.
What am I? Oh.
You're the son I had.
Right? Sorry I snuck out so early, but I woke up and Ava was staring at me and I got freaked out.
I woke up to find my Teddy bear with a knife through his crotch.
With Ava moving in and Carter hijacking my dad, I've got nowhere to go.
But you hate tax time with your dad.
Yeah, I hate it, but it's something we always did did together.
Come on, Tom, does this look like it belongs in the file for long distance travel expenses slash corporate taxes? Huh? What are you? Six? I'm seven! No excuse.
You're making too much of this.
Just show up and pitch in.
That seems way too direct.
You can't screw it up.
He's your dad.
But what am I gonna do about Ava? I suggest something sneaky and manipulative.
I'll call Monica right now.
Aaah! Australia? How could I lose Australia? An entire continent! I thought you guys were working.
Oh yeah, we were.
We took a break and now Carter is giving me a run for my money in the americas.
Well, sounds like a great time to re-start filing.
I'm good to go.
Oh good.
We made it to the k's.
If you jump in now, it'd give us time to work on Carter's golf swing.
Golf swing? Yeah.
Ben's taking me to that golf thing.
You mean the father-son golf thing? That's the one! Now you don't have to go.
I need your help.
I don't move bodies unless you agree to pay for the dry-cleaning.
The body's alive.
And it belongs to Ava.
Your slutty friend? She's not slutty, but yeah.
She has a bad case of my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me blue, and she's making our apartment smell like sadness.
Well, she's never gonna get over the break up while she's at at your place.
That's like curing a toothache with skittles.
What does that mean? You and my brother are nauseatingly sweet.
Ava needs a little relationship schadenfreude to mend her broken heart.
Pretend Tom and I are in trouble? That's gross! I can dream, can't I? Now that I've given up men, I have a lot of free time on my hands.
I think I might take up a hobby, like knitting.
Or lesbians.
Let's dog ear this convo and pick it up again later cause I have to get to the library.
Fine, I'll just stay here.
Drinking this crappy tea.
Vinnie is not all men.
You're better than this.
Look, it's your favourite.
Ruby red, the shade preferred by hookers and drag queens alike.
Oh God! This is worse th the tea.
Oh, who am I kidding? Vinnie is all men.
What do you mean? Tom? The last few months have been unbearable.
I don't even know who he is anymore.
I knew it! Give me the deets.
Thanks, Phil.
I'd hate to trip on a loose flagstone, break my neck and be forced to sue you.
I can see how that could keep someone who visits us so frequently up at night.
I really appreciate it.
Hey, Tara! You're doing a great job, babe.
Tiger Woods! He's my favourite.
Keep your arm stretched.
hit the ball.
Ok! Right.
Ahhhhhh! Sweetheart! You're still here? What other choice do I have? No, I mean, compared to other years, you're still here? You usually bail on him before the ks.
Oh! Do you want to adopt Carter, too? Honey, if you want to spend time with your dad, you should go.
I have that opportunity every year; I just never take it.
Well? Whose fault is that? Phil! No! Wait! Hey! Hey! What the hell are you doing with my panicum virgatum? Cutting them down.
Figured it's just a matter of time before Judith asks me to anyway.
But she wouldn't do I also cut down your climbing vines there.
The leaves were dropping all over my front lawn.
Our morning glory? But I never asked you to touch trying to get a jump on my chores, you know.
Did you really think I wouldn't figure this out? I should've just borrowed your juicer.
That's a spiffy shirt, Tom.
Oh thanks! Trying something new.
Maybe you should, too.
Some thing or someone? I'd love to stay a chat, but I gotta run.
Where? Is this an interrogation? Jessie suspects, you know.
What, that you've completely lost it? That, I understand.
I gotta go.
You were one of the good ones, Tom.
Who are you and where are you going dressed like that? I am my father's son.
And I'm gonna golf my ass off to prove it.
Oh, also I'm your cheating husband, or so Ava seems to think.
Yes! I pretended we were fighting to make Ava feel better.
The worse our relationship gets, the sooner she'll be gone.
Out of my way, woman! My life is my own business! That's good, that's good, yeah.
And when I get back, I'm gonna want sex, you red-headed freak! Ok, that's just offensive and will only lead to a real fight.
Love you.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
Am I not doing this right? Oh, Tom.
Yeah, no.
It's not good.
Oh hey.
Ava, men, right? But it's Tom! You guys were my last hope, the only way I could keep on going.
We'll work through it.
No you won't! No.
Ok, there's something I should probably I can't stay here and watch you guys self-destruct.
Will you help me pack? If you're sure you're ready.
You sink this hole, we win, Carter.
Kings of the course! Now if you were to shag it I'd get splinters.
I know.
What? No.
It means we lose to those jerks, the Sandersons.
I hate the Sandersons.
Well, let's send them home in tears, shall we? Should Have taken Bus.
Not so fast! What are you doing here? I should be asking that floozy you're playing golf with the same question.
Ladies and gentlemen? This man is an impostor! I am the true son of Benjamin Franklin bellow.
Son? You get me kicked out of my country club, I am kicking you out of the house.
Ok? Your dad really wants to win, Tom.
So do I, fake-son.
So do I.
We'll let the real son take the last shot.
Here we go.
Take your time.
Oh! And there we go.
Mm? It's close.
Mm mm.
Hey Judith, do me a favour and water our lawn when you get a chance, ok? Mm hm.
I'm sorry, dad.
You do know you are truly terrible at golf.
But not, as it turns out, at filing.
I'm impressed.
Even with the new system, everything's in order.
And a day early.
Honestly, I've never felt more secure going into tax season.
Well, maybe next year we can count Carter out of it.
I think that'd be best, yeah.
He can still be my golf ringer.
I had no idea he was that into it.
I paid him fifty bucks.
Well, is that everything here? Yeah.
Fantastic! Carter? Listen, the files are a complete disaster.
Can you sneak over here in the dead of night? I told you, there are no sexy lady judges.
I'm so glad Ava bought that whole cheating act.
And all that fake fighting was a serious turn-on.
So you pretended your relationship was in the dumps just so I'd get off my ass and get over myself? And you helped her? I love you guys.
Agh! Sorry.
I guess there's still some residual anger.
Where were we? Stop undressing me with your eyes, woman! Then get over here.