18 to Life s02e12 Episode Script

Hey, Tara.
Tara? Yeah, we're in here, babe.
Jessie and Tom having a fight? No, Ben's mom is just up from Miami.
Still haven't told granny bellow you're married, huh? This is the woman who suffocated her canary for singing too loud.
Ben's terrified of what she'd say.
So how long are you hiding out for? Till the old shrew leaves our attic.
Hey now.
They wouldn't appreciate you calling Ben's mother a shrew.
Is the old shrew coming down? Or is she going to make us late again? Can't we go without her? She keeps calling me a boy.
I think Jessie should come.
We will tell grandma at brunch that we're married.
I'm sick of lying.
Nobody is lying, Tom.
We're simply calibrating the appropriate time to tell a fragile elderly lady that her beloved grandson made a rash decision.
Hey! And by my calculations that time would be never.
I trust you cleared all of the evidence of Jessie from upstairs as discussed.
Hm? Uh huh.
Hmm.
Grandma's lumbago must be acting up.
He's right.
If we'd told her when you got married, it would've been bad enough.
But now? How do we explain ourselves? By admitting we're afraid of her.
You wait till you're twenty-one and she'll be deaf.
You can tell her as many times s you want.
Yeah, like the devil can go deaf.
She's gone.
She left without us.
What a surprise.
No.
No, no, no, no.
I mean gone, gone.
Grandma's dead.
I thought there'd be incident tape or a chalk outline or something.
We have to get rid of it.
And everything that ever touched it.
I'll flip the mattress.
Great.
So her death germs will be six inches under me instead of right next to my skin.
Ew.
I have to get out of here.
Jessie, death is sad, but inevitable.
I've lost a lot of people I care about.
And grandma.
It's just creepy.
My first death in my first marriage bed.
Are you planning on a second marriage or just another bed? Hi.
Uh, found this clutched in your grandmother's hand.
I believe it's yours.
Thanks.
Also, this was in her pocket.
She stole my necklace! What is it? I killed grandma.
That picture had nothing to do with her death.
You're just being paranoid.
You're right.
Given her Mickey-a-day diet, it was probably liver disease.
Aren't you glad you didn't tell grandma about your marriage? Dad was right; The news probably would've killed her.
That would have been some brunch.
Have some respect.
Her bed is still warm.
You mean your bed? Why are you so bent out of shape, Tom? This is the woman who made you change your own diapers.
Monica's right.
This was no tragedy.
She was eighty nine, and she was definitely Past the best-by date.
She's the woman who stopped me from wetting the bed.
This is my grammy.
And this is why Tom can't have any sleepovers! And started my lifelong fear of public speaking.
Such a tragedy.
Sweet ol' grandma! We'll miss her.
Well, you can all take comfort in knowing she's watching us from above.
Better there than here.
That's so funny, mom.
She's only dead.
He's still grieving.
Murder or manslaughter? It was an accident! So, manslaughter.
Not so fast, there, chiquita.
See? Tom knew that if granny found out he got married, she would die.
Yet, he left the photo in a cookbook for her to find.
Ergo, he killed her.
No, he said that if she found out, when would kill him.
Ah! Self-defense.
How am I gonna tell my father I killed his mother? Ask oedipus.
Wait! You're in the clear.
Heart disease is the number one killer among the elderly.
It's associated with diabetes, smoking, and lack of exercise.
All of which she had! Oh.
What? Shock and anger have been linked to sudden cardiac arrest.
Who's up for ice-cream? Look, Tom.
You can't tell your father.
Hide the photo and lie! Ok.
Thank you.
Thoughtful to the end.
Turns out she made her own funeral arrangements.
That is considerate.
Maybe she wanted to spare you the expense.
She used my card.
Ah.
She being interred with your family? Kind of, just not the dead ones.
She's being cremated and she wants her ashes spread nearby us.
How near? This has to be a mistake, Judith.
Ben's mother said large hydrangea bush near the fence and this is the large hydrangea bush near the fence.
In our back yard.
I'm sure she didn't want to spend eternity with us.
She hated us.
Yeah.
Apparently, not as much as she hated my garden.
No, it is a mistake, all right? With that property line.
Somebody clearly messed with it when that fence was being built.
Phil! Uh You built the fence, Ben.
Bob? Hey, Bob.
Bob.
Bob.
Bob.
Bob? It's Ben.
A time like this calls for compassion.
Ben, you're more than welcome to spread your mother's ashes on our bush.
Who knows? Might even do the garden some good.
Yeah.
Especially the weeping willow.
That's not weeping.
Oh, it will be.
It's so absolute.
No one close to me has died.
Well, yet.
You're supposed to save the tough love for when I'm into hard drugs.
What about your turtle? She didn't die.
She went for a walk.
Yeah, on the road.
Where she died.
Don't you remember I made you a hat from her shell? She didn't die.
Turtles walk slow.
Honey.
Death is a positive thing.
In a hundred years, brand new people.
And turtles.
I should have gone to Judith.
Don't be silly.
Us Merker women? We're a Hardy bunch.
Chances are you'll be burying both your father and me.
And Tom.
Well? If this is where my mother wants her memorial, we've got work to do.
Your mother is the gift that keeps on giving.
I'll get the weed killer.
Hi, Phil.
Hey, Phil.
Judith? What killed grandpa bellow? Grandma bellow.
She broke his heart by running off with his golf partner.
That's great.
I mean, not ideal.
Actually, kinda sad.
But at least it wasn't anything genetic.
And by broke his heart, I mean his pacemaker literally blew a gasket.
And what about your father? He died in a bizarre lawn bowling accident.
As in, he could have lived a long, long time? Well, sure! If you take away the chronic bronchitis, enlarged liver, and incipient gigantism.
At the end, he was just praying to die.
Oh.
But don't worry.
Ben and I are very healthy.
Except for Ben's blood pressure.
And my fibromyalgia.
Which is real.
Whoa! Sorry about that.
It's ok; It was way too cold and refreshing.
You wanna put some sunscreen on that.
Shouldn't take much.
Mm.
Ok, here's a question: Why would we let our neighbours use our yard as a pet cemetery for grandmothers? Well, I wasn't sure you even noticed.
It's like a parade out there without the clowns.
I can't get any work done.
Without my siestas, I mean.
Ok, honey? If you want Ben out of your hair, then why don't you just help him out? Problem solved.
What the hell? What the hell? I wanted to help Ben out! Now that your mother's crossed over to the other side, I wanted you to be able to join her.
That sounds like a threat.
Join her symbolically.
In her own special place.
Away from my lounger.
I'm touched, Phil.
Truly touched.
We're family now.
Mi casa es su casa, my friend.
Ha.
Cheer up.
I made soup.
This is good.
What's in it? Cream.
Butter.
Salt.
You know, I think it's time we start eating better.
Just because we're Young doesn't mean we shouldn't think of the future.
This is my comfort food.
I always eat this stuff when I'm stressed.
What're you talking about? I've never seen you make this in my life.
This is grandma's soup! She's reaching out from beyond the grave.
Pull yourself together.
Pull myself together? I killed my grandmother! Now every time I look at my father's face, a piece of me will die.
Then tell him.
Tell him what? Let go of the guilt.
Your dad's a practical man; He'll understand.
You have to tell him.
You can do this.
You can do this.
Hey, dad.
Hey.
There's something I want to confess.
And I know you'll understand because you are a very understanding guy.
Final resting place.
Ha.
The hills.
At times like this I can't help but think how cruel the gods can be.
She was so vibrant and so alive.
Sorry, you were saying? I want to confess That I miss her.
A lot.
Oh.
That's really lovely, Tom.
She did have her quirks, though.
The commando inspections Exciting.
The 2 am phone calls.
Spontaneous.
You really understood her, didn't you? Remember how she used to imitate you when you cried? I always thought that was a bad dream.
Then she'd laugh.
A sweet cackle.
You killed her.
You killed us all.
You were pretty funny back then.
Ha ha ha! Hey.
I just had the best idea.
Huh? Nothing would make me prouder than if you delivered her eulogy.
My God, even saying it makes me all Verklempt.
Does that mean suicidal? Stop it.
You're killing me! Well, I hope you have great weather.
I hope a tropical storm hits.
Gillian's in Aruba.
Auntie Jean's getting botoxed.
Everyone has some kind of excuse.
Can you blame them? Can I ask you a favour? Sure, honey.
Will you do grandma's eulogy? No.
No! I cannot do it.
Your dad said you were doing it.
Why can't you do it? Because I killed her.
This was in her hand when she died.
You always were my favourite.
This isn't funny.
She was eighty-nine years old.
That's what killed her.
Not some photo.
So I should tell dad? Oh, God, no.
The only thing telling your father will do is make you feel better.
It certainly won't bring grandma Lucy back.
At least I hope not.
If you feel bad about killing your grandmother, think how bad you'll feel about killing your father.
Hm? Your mother's wrong.
You still think I should tell him? I meant wrong about you killing your father.
The more obvious outcome is that he'd kill you.
A lot.
Well, I have to do something because if this eulogy doesn't kill me, then the guilt will.
Calm down.
Do you know stress can take seven years off your life? Thankfully, no.
I have to give a speech about a woman that no one can find a nice word about.
It's not exactly soothing.
Eulogy.
That's it! It's not about apologizing to your dad; it's about apologizing to your grandmother.
You know, the woman you actually killed.
I mean not actually yeah, I got it.
What better way to make amends than by doing what no one else can? Finding the good in her.
What do you think? Too gaudy? You're the oldest grandchild; do you have any good memories of her? Are u u kidding? I've got loads.
Like when she locked you in the closet and told you to pretend you were an astronaut.
Hey.
How did you go to the bathroom? Get my diapers.
Aww, like a real astronaut.
There must be some love stories about her that don't involve ceces; I just have to look on them.
She called immigration on me.
Is that anything? Ooh.
Doesn't he leave next door? I guess the gate was open.
You know Phil, you've got your own back yard.
Right there.
I didn't want to disturb your mother.
Besides, the gate was open.
Did you take that vitamin pills I've left by the thing? Yeah.
Did you got that colonic that I've buy it for you? The memorial is tomorrow and I'm screwed.
Forgive me if I didn't feel like having my insides detailed.
Ok.
Relax.
I am going to be condemned by this guilt for the rest of my life.
I am literally having heart palpitations.
Give me your hand.
Feel that? No.
My cell phone's on vibrate.
It's a voice mail.
It's gran.
She wants me to meet her.
She can't have you! At the liquor store.
It's a message from a week ago.
What's going on with you? One of us is going to die first and apparently it won't be me.
I don't want to live without you.
That's all.
Think positively.
You could go first.
Crushed by a revolving door, or choking on an M&M mowed down by a tractor on a hay ride.
That's sweet, Tom.
But you know I suffer from hay fever.
And you're still getting that colonic.
For a second, I forgot about tomorrow.
Now I'm really having heart palpitations.
Have you noticed some odd developments around our yard recently? You mean Phil droppings? Just tonight he wandered into our kitchen Looking for ice for his mojito.
What's a cocktail without ice, really.
You know what he said? The gate was open? Mm hm.
You have to speak to him, Ben.
I can't say anything.
He got us that gate as a gift.
That's what the trojans said.
The rabbit crawls under the log.
The rabbit hops over the log.
The rabbit gets crushed by the log and found by scavengers and ripped to a thousand pieces.
Hey! Guess what.
I tracked down some of your granny's old friends from your mom's list of mourners and they had the best stories! I wrote some of them down in block letters on index cards so they're easier for you to read.
I will always remember Lucy for her kindness and care for my poor dog, Buster as he lay dying.
Where's the part where grandma poisons buster? She didn't! No.
These are simply what Lovely stories.
See? She wasn't a total monster.
Judith? Could you let me know if this uh gah! Hey, bro.
Phil! What are you doing in our bathroom? Su casa me casa.
Sorry for steaming up the place.
Wanna look spiffy for the big event and our water pressure is crap.
Besides The gate was open? Oh! Think you need a new loofa! Hmmm.
Get out your hankies because I am going to cremate this eulogy.
I'm glad you got your mojo back, M.
C.
And that Jessie took my advice.
Advice? Yeah, about coming up with fake stories about your Grammy.
I probably should have told you that after the speech.
Hey, Tom.
It's time.
Ok? We're here today to celebrate the lovely Lucille bellow, my grandma.
As one friend recalls, "even in her Walker, Lucy insisted on helping" Helping me cross I can't do this.
Why not, Tom? Because Because I stole those stories from readers digest! And the fact that I killed her! I'm sorry, dad, but grandma found a picture of me and Jessie married that I hid in a book.
And it was clutched in her cold dead claw.
Hand.
Hand.
The shock killed her.
I tried to make it up by saying nice things, but you know what? She wasn't nice.
She was kind of petulant and anti-semitic.
Ha ha.
Finally! Someone with the guts to say it to my face.
You did hear what I just said? Sure I did.
You think hiding that picture's gonna keep it from my mother? That woman had no concept of personal property.
Unless it was hers.
Of course, she had no compunction about using Judith's toothbrush to brush her dog's teeth.
Sorry, honey.
Grandma Lucy wouldn't want us to sit around and pretend she was nice.
I mean this is the woman who walked me to school.
With a harness.
No wonder I hated junior high.
Let's celebrate grandma Lucy the way she would've wanted.
She stole my candy when I was a baby.
I was a baby so I don't remember, but she made sure to tell me.
Every year for chanukah, she gave me a rosary.
So generous.
She cornered me in the laundry room once and helped me do my laundry.
She really knew how to separate the whites from the colours.
That's the way she wanted to live her life.
Grandma Lucy was epic.
There won't be another like her.
Hey.
You know? She did bring us closer as a family.
We owe her for that.
You did hear that I killed her, right? I'm calling it self-defense.
To grandma Lucy! A true original! Hear! Hear! Hear! Hear! Le Chaim! And for Judith, I Don't wear red.
It makes you look like an over-aged hook ok, there's a typo there.
Is there anything in it for me? Yeah, sweetie.
Where is it? Uh, yeah.
"As for Monica? She is my only hope" Duh.
But is there anything in it for me? Money, bonds? Jewellery.
I already took her jewellery.
That's fair.
She already took mine.
Here's something about you, Tom.
Listen to this.
You may be wondering why I asked to be sprinkled in your white trash neighbours' yard.
Beyond giving me a good chuckle, it's my gift to Tom.
There's a girl there I've seen over the years and I wanted to send Tom over.
If the boy has any balls, he'll know what to do.
Maybe he can avoid the mistake my son made "in marrying his jewess-" oh, it's another typo that's.
.
"Judith".
She actually wanted Tom and me to meet? So when she found the picture that means she died Happy.
And old.
And so will I.
Where's grandma when you need her? Why on Earth are you reading that? It's my mother's last purchase: The celebrity cellulite issue.
I miss her.
I know, honey.
Oh, Ben.
She knew you converted.
Oh my God.
I killed her! Hey, Ben! Open up! I've got brownies in your oven! Ben?