18 to Life s02e13 Episode Script

House of Cards

I finally got my Kinjo Chefmaster knives and I'm gonna take them for a spin.
Getting in game shape for the big celebration? Wendy's leaving for boarding school? Oh, please! Our one-year anniversary! When you make me the most awesome meal ever once you see what I got you.
We're exchanging gifts? What did you think we were gonna do? Do I need to draw you a picture? It's our paper anniversary, Tom.
It's customary to exchange gifts made of paper.
So then the picture would qualify.
It's fun being limited to paper; you get to be creative.
It's paper; how important can it be? SURPRISE! Ha ha ha ha! What's this? We thought we would join forces and get you an anniversary present.
Call it a gesture of acceptance of your marriage.
Reluctant acceptance, but acceance nonetheless.
Tom? Jessie? Say hello to your new sauna! Tom, you always wanted a sauna, right? Jessie? Well? We'll just have to break it in for you then.
It comes with a ladle! Can't we find a way that we could be together? Is there any way that we could be together? And oh by the way, baby, do you love me? Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Whoo hoo hoo AdrianoCSI The Kinjo Chefmaster Collection.
Is it sharp, you ask? Let's ask Mr.
Hardware Flyer.
Hoo hoo.
Is that what you're gonna do for your wife's anniversary gift? Why do the presents have to be paper? Paper has tons of options.
I once scored the heart of Tanya Lippenstein with nothing more than an origami frog.
Of course, the sake bombs didn't hurt, or the fact that I told her I played for the Chicago Blackhawks.
Yeah, well, Jessie doesn't like sake.
It makes her all throw-uppy.
Well? There's a store on Twelfth that sells rare books.
You should pick her up a first edition novel of a book that moved her as a child.
That's actually really thoughtful.
All the sake bomb fringe benefits, none of the vomit.
Up top! You never high-five me anymore.
I got it, Ava.
Oh, you're in a chipper mood.
Did Tom finally crack open the kama sutra? Why do you think I'm getting him the perfect anniversary gift? Oh, do tell.
I'm finally gonna pick up our wedding certificate and get it framed.
Touchingand cheap.
What? No, that frame cost me over a hundred bucks! Which makes me officially broke, thanks to my architecture textbooks.
Oh, well.
Luckily I don't have any money problems.
And here's where you ask me why not.
Why not? Because my boyfriend's loaded.
You're still with Keith? He's the real deal, Jess.
He's rich, kind, handsome, generous.
And unlike the last one, he doesn't have three pit bulls, each one named after an ex-girlfriend.
Oh, But Jasmine was so cute! I really think that the kids will appreciate us breaking this in for them.
Are we model parents or what? Huh? Yeah.
Hey, Phil.
What's up? Sorry! Hey Just breathe.
Hold me.
We are looking for "The Outsiders" by S.
Hinton, Jessie's favourite book from grade six.
Oh! Someone invested in a background search.
Nicely played, amigo.
We were in the same class.
That works, too.
Here we go.
"The Outsiders.
" Three hundred bucks! There's no way I can afford that.
Must be a typo.
Yeah, definitely a typo.
We may need to "help" the decimal point back to its rightful place.
So not cool! Plus the owner's watching.
Oh, well, here's an early pressing of the author's second novel.
"That Was Then, This is Now.
" What the hell is that? It's fifty bucks; That's what that is.
"The Outsiders", by S.
Uh, no, I That'll be thirty bucks.
Thirty bucks! Right.
Not so fast.
Hill, Jessie and Bellow, Tom? We got married exactly one year ago.
Bingo! And by bingo I mean I have some very bad news.
You didn't pay the balance on this.
This certificate is invalid.
That's impossible.
Did you get the warning in the mail? Oh wait, you didn't fill out the address because people like me have tons of spare time to track you down.
OK, well, I'm gonna need the license so What's it gonna cost me? A hundred and thirty bucks.
You've got to be kidding.
Sorry, you're right.
I forgot to factor in.
That brings us up to three-twenty.
Three twenty.
I don't have that kind of money.
What am I gonna tell my husband? Uh, what husband? Technically, you're not married.
If we're going halfsies on this sauna thing, how is it we're being saddled with the electricity bump? Why don't you ask the Hills to chip in Nah! Phil will just say "I'm not paying for Ben's hot showers" and make that clicking sound with his teeth.
They might be more willing to play along if we uh, include them in the festivities.
I think maybe it was our "festivities" that scared them off.
They did get more than they bargained for, didn't they? Mm.
Well, we've got to win them back.
Otherwise, we're gonna get stuck with the tab.
Next time, let's not come on so strong.
Be less naked.
Officer, you don't understand.
I'm sorry.
And mortified.
And terrified.
I knew the price was wrong, but I rolled with it anyway.
You certainly did.
Stupid anniversary.
Paper, right? How'd you know? Been there.
Tried to get my wife tickets to Coldplay, but couldn't afford it, so I hit up a shady scalper.
That's when I discovered Cole Hay, easy listening icon for the over sixty set.
Sounds like one hell of an anniversary.
Tell you what.
I'll let you off this time with a warning and a piece of advice: If you want that book? You love that girl? You just might have to sacrifice something.
I'm a dead woman walking.
Tom is at home right now with this awesome gift making me a delicious meal.
And, hey, did I tell you? I still don't have a present! Oh, and here's a fun fact.
Thanks to me, our marriage never was.
Well, how much money do you have? Add this month's cell phone bill, factor in Design Lab, carry the ten.
Oh negative six hundred? I do have a thought.
Monster Sub coupon, lipstick bingo.
What is it? Well, Keith works as a massage therapist, and so he gave me all ese free coupons.
And by "give" I mean "I rifled through his stuff because I thought he was cheating on me with his dental hygienist", but why split hairs? A massage coupon.
That's a pretty big step down from the framed certificate.
Well, there's always option number two.
Two-for-one Buffalo Chicken week down at Monster Sub.
Tom's in luck.
Massage it is.
Knock knock.
Can we talk? Yeah.
Listen, we just want to apologize.
Not everyone's as comfortable as Ben and I are with the bounty that God gave us.
I have to apologize for Phil.
He's really not comfortable around the naked.
We promise we will wear bathing suits from now on.
So what say we give it another whirl? Swingers! I can't believe I didn't see it.
Oh my God.
Phil, you misread the signs.
The Bellows are not swingers! Did you see the way they were grinning at us? Oh, they weren't grinning at us, Phil.
Just you.
Stop it! Stop that right now.
OK, Just relax.
I will prove it to you once and for all the Bellows are not swingers.
We'll take another visit to the sauna.
Sweet Lord, have mercy on my soul.
Can you believe it, Jess? A whole year of marriage already behind us.
Why don't you use one of the good knives? I forgot them at school.
Hey! Let's open your present.
You first.
"The Outsiders!" My favourite book! I can't believe you remembered.
First Press.
Limited Edition.
Blue ray not included.
Oh! Now me! A massage coupon.
And it smells like Ava.
You've been working so hard so you deserve it.
I like how you make me try new things.
I swear I had something better.
But something came up and it was unexpected so I scrambled and I Jess.
It's not a competition.
But if it were, I totally kicked your ass.
You're not mad? All that counts is we're together.
Happy first anniversary, honey.
This marriage means the world.
I couldn't be happier.
Why are you not playing like a chick for once? If you traded your prized possession to get a really expensive gift for a girl, and she gets you a coupon for a massage, what do you do? I don't know.
I'm gonna need more: Stage of relationship, willingness to putout, hotness.
It's Jessie.
I got her that book and she gets me a backrub? You know what? You should go.
Are you saying that to distract me from the fact that I'm kicking your ass, or because you really mean it? Semantics.
Point is, you are tense.
Ha ha ha ha ha! Besides, you may luck out with a cute massage therapist, in which case you'd be legally entitled to flirt with her.
When you say "flirt", what does that look like in your head? I'm gonna like you a lot more after this massage.
Hey folks! Help yourself to some finger sandwiches.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? They're finger sandwiches, babe.
It's not some kind of slang.
Uh, so listen.
There's a reason we invited you over here.
Let's just say it's in the spirit of sharing.
Oh my God, Phil; I think you're right.
There's something I want to show you.
No, no, no! That's OK.
Put it away.
I don't need to see it.
Ha ha ha.
What? It's the electricity bill.
I told you they're not swingers.
What? We're not sharing the electricity bill.
We're not paying for Ben's hot showers.
This is for Tom and Jessie! All right, all right.
Come on you guys, just settle down.
You know what? Let's just take it inside, OK? OK.
Come on, hun.
So even though I cancelled the frame, you won't return my deposit? No.
You don't understand, I need that money so I can get my marriage license back.
Hello? It was all goin' too easy Yeah, I should've known better.
Never thought I had to Face up to the hard truth.
Adios, textbooks.
Should've known it was too easy If you look at the green consumption Bar, it phew This all made a lot more sense a half-hour ago.
Whatever it is, dude, I'm sure we're fine with it.
Just forget about it.
Ben takes way too long in the shower anyway.
The bottle clearly says wash, rinse and repeat.
You know what would be perfect right now? A mimosa.
I can't believe I'm not married.
I can't believe you sold your textbooks.
I can get through the rest of the term photocopying and borrowing.
You're making yourself crazy over this.
You already said Tom was fine with it.
Which is why, more than ever, I have to get him the gift he deserves: A gilt-framed souvenir of our love.
Is that gilt as in gold or guilt as in guilt? Next, please! I have the money.
Three hundred and twenty bucks.
Fantastic! That'll be six to eight weeks for delivery.
Cute massage therapist, my ass.
Excuse me? Nothing.
Let's get this show started.
Face down, please.
Pumpernickel! That's my safe word, too! What the hell? POLICE! This is raid.
Hey! Stop right there! Paper Anniversary, huh? Hey.
The cheap stuff's good enough for mimosas, right? If alcohol helps you forget, could you uh, whip me up one too? What's wrong? Nothing.
Except I gave the wrong address to City Hall; My cheque bounced, and I have this mosquito bite in an awkward place, but that's probably too much information.
Could you repeat the first part again? I screwed up the application.
Tom and I are technically not married.
This may be the sauna talking but um it's just a piece of paper, Jess.
Things will work themselves out.
It's more than that.
It's us; it's our lives; it's everything.
And here we are, our first anniversary, and it's all a house of cards.
Do I need to remind you that under Jewish Law, my marriage to Judith was considered invalid for twenty-five years? I forgot about that.
The synagogue refused to recognize our relationship because of my reluctance to undergo a ceremonial circumcision.
And now I wish I hadn't remembered.
I had to have a needle stabbed into my Got it! The point is, I got over it.
Life goes on, Jess.
You'll be fine.
In eight weeks.
Don't tell Tom.
Please? Hello? Where did you get that coupon? It was from Ava.
It was either that or Buffalo chicken.
Well I'm being charged with "engaging in a prohibitive activity" or "prohibitive engaging".
I don't know what it's called but I need three hundred bucks! Where are you? I'm at the courthouse.
You need to get here right now! Three hundred dollars? Yeah! I'm coming! Shoot.
It's hard to believe it's been a year since the kids got married.
Imagine what life would've been like if it had never happened? We'd never have become family.
Or never have this sauna.
You know, at first I wasn't sure, but now I've really come to enjoy thissauna.
Funny how this sauna has come to mean so much in so little time.
Such a simple thing can make you so happy.
And because of a stupid dare.
You've grown awfully quiet.
What's wrong? Well.
We're uh, short on champagne.
I'll make a run.
I swear to God, my wife is gonna come and she will explain everything.
Sure thing, paper chase.
Hello? Oh, hey sweetie.
Sure, I can.
Eggs, cream of mushroom soup, batteries? Yeah.
Can you hold on? All right, Papermate.
I'm taking this call.
But I want your massaged ass to stay put, you got that? Hey, sweetie.
Dad! Hey! What are you doing here? Well? What do you think? I can't believe she told you.
Jessie did the right thing, son.
I'm here to fix this mess.
Soyou're not upset? Nonsense.
I've been there myself.
You HAVE? Son, for twenty-five years I went down that road.
So many secrets, so many lies.
It's amazing the trouble a man can get into on account of his pecker.
Good Lord! Does Mom know? Of course she does.
She's the reason I went down that road in the first place.
I can't believe you're telling me this.
Well, believe it, son.
I got tired of living a lie, just like you.
But hey! Maybe the sauna will loosen our inhibitions.
Bring us closer.
Hey! You promised you wouldn't tell him! Jessie, you know about Dad, too? He knows, Jessie.
Knows what? Yeah, knows what? Dad, Jessie, this is Constable Bale.
Judge Bellow.
How'd you get a judge so fast? Can someone please tell me what it is I'm supposed to know? That you and I are not married! I knew it! What are you talking about? Tom, I love you more than anything, and I wanted to get you the perfect gift, but I screwed up.
Our marriage is invalid.
You mean was invalid.
I got in touch with some old friends who helped fast-track this mess.
So up until now, we were never married? UhThe point is, we're married again! Happy Paper Anniversary, sweetie.
You see that, Constable? Everything's fine.
Then what was your son doing in a gay massage parlour? They were just Who-said-what-now? So? Goodbye, first press copy of "The Outsiders.
" Adios, Kinjo knives.
Sayonara, college books.
Hey dignity! Don't let the door hit you on your way out.
Who cares about all that stuff? Ah, what counts is we have each other.
And this.
Of course, it would look better in that frame I never bought.
And if I had my knives back, I'd actually have a future.
There is one thing we could sell.
Life is better when we're together Sweet Lord, how I'll miss her.
We all will, Phil.
There was hardly time to enjoy it.
For the kids.
Damn shame.
Hot tub for the cotton anniversary? Done.
Show us the Kinjo knife trick again! Hey, I'm sorry you had to find out about Keith's "extra curricular activities" this way.
Yeah, how'd the breakup go? Oh, we're not breaking up.
(THUD) He's perfect! He cooks; he cleans; he loves chick flicks.
Plus we even get to borrow each other's clothes.
Whatever works.
I guess not all unions are as perfect as you two lovebirds.
I know.