2 Dope Queens (2018) s01e01 Episode Script
New York
1 - Kings Theater.
- This is so iconic.
Looks so expensive.
This is crazy.
Hold on, hold on, hold on! - Uh, tickets please.
- ( chuckling ) We don't need tickets, we're the 2 Dope Queens.
Yeah, so we're just gonna go.
Oh, y'all are Jessica and Phoebe? You're 2 Dope Queens? - Yeah, we are the 2 Dope Queens.
- Yeah.
That ain't you.
Nah.
( chuckling ) Are you joking? Nah, it's not a joke.
I need some tickets.
Lemme just Google us really quick.
- Please.
This is wild right now.
- Hold up.
Hold up.
This state of, like, black-on-black aggression right now is insane.
It's not, really.
You're actively against black people.
But, look-- this is us! Well, it doesn't look like you.
- Your hair is different.
- That's-- It's called weaves.
Google a weave for us, please.
You want to buy some tickets or what? You wanna get in the show or what? Yeah, fine.
Let's buy-- Let's buy some tickets to our own HBO special.
- Here.
Here's a card.
- Thank you.
- Charge me.
This is insane.
- Whatever.
Oh! Y'all just bought the last two tickets to the show.
- It's sold out.
- ( both shrieking ) Oh, my God.
Did we really sell out the show? - Shut the fuck up! - Are you-- ( sing-song ) We sold out the show Both: Sold out the show Oh, we sold out the show ( audience cheering ) Announcer: Here live at King's Theater in beautiful Brooklyn, New York, it's Phoebe Robinson and Jessica Williams, your 2 Dope Queens! Yes, yes I'm the best, fuck what you heard Anything less is obviously absurd Haters get the bird, more like an eagle This is my movie, stay tuned for the sequel Seems so wrong, seems so illegal Fellas in the back like a foul-ball free-throw Yep, yep, you know that I go This is me on the regular, so you know This is me on the regular, so you know.
Phoebe: Yas! It's an active set, y'all! Yas! Everything's grab-able! - Yas! ( laughs ) - Yeah! Hold my legs up, hold my legs up.
I don't know.
I just look at it straight, I just wanna go, like-- ( blows raspberry ) Like that.
Hi! ( audience cheering ) What's up, everybody? Welcome to "2 Dope Queens"! Live from Kings Theater in Brooklyn! Brought to you by Both: HBO! - Mmm, mmm, mmm.
- We got that HBO money Got some money for our hair That's why they both look crazy They look awesome There's a lot of volume I now get why Beyonce's always flipping her blonde hair.
- I'm always just like-- - Do you feel good with the blonde? - Give me a macchiato! - I love that.
- ( giggling ) - I love that.
- It's so great.
- I'm feeling very, like - It's Donna Summer.
- It is, right? - Yes! - I feel-- I also feel a little bit like-- ( imitates Chaka Khan ) I will love you anyway ( Phoebe laughs ) - That was so good! - It's-- it's a lot of things.
I'm feeling a little bit SZA with my shape, like, my shape feels like SZA.
Yas! Yas.
Like a perpetual-breakup SZA.
Aww, SZ's, aww.
She's, like, "Don't call me that.
" That sounds almost as bad as-- remember when I wanted to call Hillary Clinton Hillary Clin-Clin? - Yeah.
- Yeah, that was ignorant.
Don't call her Clin-Clin! She'll be fine.
She was like, "Hey, whatever.
" She sounded like Barack Obama, but great.
I know, sorry, that was my politician voice.
Don't drag me at our HBO special.
It's great! You're an angel.
Black women apologizing to black women.
Ooh! That would be a good podcast.
That's dope, but it's also like, why should we do it to each other when there's so many other people - that should apologize to us first.
- I think-- Just kidding! I'm just kidding! - No, I'm not! I'm not.
- Please don't cancel us.
I know a handful of white people that can apologize to me.
Okay, give me one.
Okay, first off, the guy in Southwest who didn't think I was I'm group number one, even though I was in group number one.
Well, that's trash, because it's like it's Southwest, so how dare you be snooty on this fuckin' communal-ass airbus? That's insane that you were-- that would be like in "Pretty Woman" if those women were talking to her like that in Walmart.
Right.
Exactly, so that guy should apologize.
Here's one.
There's a-- the white guy at the bar who's like, "I love chocolate.
" Yeah.
And all of his fuckin' friends that do that, too.
That guy needs to apologize.
Okay, I wanna say white girls who are always like, "I wish I could tell someone to kiss my black ass.
- That's so cool.
" - Oh, my gosh! They need to apologize.
Yeah, I'm like, that's literally .
0000001% of the black experience.
Yeah, that's wild.
And it's, like, not "Waiting to Exhale.
" Chances are you're gonna get kicked out or fired if you do that.
Right.
I got one.
You know what? This might be a little controversial, just a white guy that should apologize-- maybe Thomas Jefferson.
Oh, of course.
No "maybe.
" Definitely! I just think some people are, like, really into history so I know that's gonna rub some people the wrong way.
But also, oh, my fucking goodness, I can't believe that.
No, I think that's-- Yes, and also the people who are like, "His lover, Sally--" No, it's not-- - Sally Hemmings was not a lover.
- No.
Mnh-mnh.
That got real, but I just wanted to say.
That was really intense.
I love that, though.
- We ain't gonna play with these hoes.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Who else should apologize? I like this game.
This is the most-- Oh, people who misspell my name on the Starbucks-- on the side of the cup.
They always misspell my name.
Yeah, yeah, how do they spell it? F-I-B-I.
That's insane.
F-I-B-I? Fibi? - Yeah, Fibi.
Fibi.
- Fibi.
You're Fibi.
It's my Fitbit.
That's ignorant.
Someone actually put, like, a "Y" in the middle of my name, like they weren't even trying.
They were just like, "Here's a first rough draft, - andGodspeed.
" - "Bye-bye.
" - Sometimes they are slammed, but that's ignorant.
- Right.
I'm just trying to be nice to them.
But also Phoebe from "Friends," Phoebe from "Catcher in the Rye," Phoebe from "Charmed.
" There's references.
You should've started with "Charmed.
" You can't start with "Charmed" over "Catcher in the Rye"! I would've started with-- Holden can suck it.
I'm all about "Charmed.
" But anyway, guys, this is our New York episode.
We gotta show love to New York.
( audience applause ) Celebrating this city that we love, that many of us live in.
I've been in New York forsev-- 15 years now.
( audience cheers ) I love that it went from 7 to 15, or was it 17, 15? It was gonna be-- 17, 15.
But I love New York, and I remember my first apartment in New York when I graduated college and I got my first-- It was a basement apartment with two friends of mine.
( audience member cheers ) - Yas.
- Do you just like basements, or is it friends? Never mind, we'll talk after.
Yeah.
But yeah, that was my first apartment.
It was, like, all we could afford.
It was like in this-- it used to be an old hospital, so it was, like, in the nurses' wing.
- Haunted.
So it was very haunted.
- Haunted.
- Was it haunted? - I don't know if it was haunted, but we definitely lived in the basement, so that's probably, like, where the cadavers hung out.
I would throw some cadavers down there - if I owned an old hospital.
- Yeah! The craziest thing about the apartment, so we moved in, and I remember we kept hearing like a "Meow, meow," we kept hearing meowing, and this was going on for a few days.
And we're like, "Meow, meow, meow.
" I don't know-- Was it like a hip-hop cat? ( vocalizing ) And we had two baby kittens stuck in the bedroom wall of my roommate.
It-- - ( audience laughter ) - And so we freed the-- Why is that funny? - It's cute.
- ( chuckling ) Okay.
It's cute, it's like, "Look where we found ourselves.
In between--" There's something kind of cute and sad about it, but pretty cute.
What about your first apartment? My first apartment, I moved here for "The Daily Show.
" - Yas! - And I-- - ( audience applauding ) - Thank you.
I got it when I was still in school, and I had been living with my parents.
And I really liked living with Leon and Maria, my really awesome parents.
I liked living with them because the food was regular.
And then I had to pick up everything and move to New York to do "The Daily Show" in a matter of, like, two weeks, which was insane.
So I was looking on Craigslist and stuff, and I found this place in the West Village because it was on the 1, which goes right to "The Daily Show" studio.
And it was such a massive amount of money for the room that I got, which was basically a queen-sized bed.
And that was it, like, the room was like you walk in and it's a queen-sized bed, and then that's it.
I mean, I'm not gonna feel sorry-- You have a queen-sized bed.
No, you should feel sorry for me.
I felt-- Guys, you know what's hard? When you pay a lot of money and then you get a queen-sized bed, am I right? Get the hell out of here.
Get out of here! ( laughing ) Come here.
That was bullshit.
- How dare yo ass - ( laughing ) drag me in front of a majority- white-people situation? That was disrespectful.
You could do it in front of our people, but not these other fuckin' people.
Just because you got blonde hair now don't mean shit.
You know what? This is what happens in the black community.
Let's let them see.
Let them see.
- Let 'em see.
- ( laughing ) Sometimes we do this.
As black women, we need to work some shit out.
You should be thanking your lucky stars that you're able to see us be "vuln" in front of you guys.
- Okay, but you had a queen-sized bed, yes.
- Anyway, it was very small.
But when I landed in New York, I had never had weather before that was real.
It was freezing cold.
I had this new crazy job and I had this really, really small bedroom that I was paying a shit-ton of money for.
And I just missed my home.
I felt like, do you remember Tom Hanks in "Big" when he crawls into his bed for the first time in New York and he's, like, crying himself to sleep? That's how I felt like.
Aww, Jessica.
I'm glad you finally fuckin' came around.
Well, I think you should lead with that and not be like, "I had this big bed and it was annoying.
" I think I think I should be able to be how I am, - however I needs to be - Okay.
with you on our rooftop.
But I think I should also check you, because I currently have a full-sized bed because my room is so small.
Yeah, silence.
Well, it's mostly because-- don't take a lap.
I'm gonna meet you at the lap.
I'm gonna meet you in the lap.
I met you in the lap.
I'm gonna meet you in the other side of the lap.
- Yeah, what's the other side? - But also, it's because I did say queen-sized bed, but it was a full bed.
And so the fact that I'm getting dragged - Okay, Kellyanne Conway! - The fact that I'm getting dragged-- - No, don't drag me.
- Okay, Kellyanne.
Don't drag me.
( imitating Kellyanne Conway ) How else does this story change? Don't drag me, but I did have a full-sized bed.
And what I really meant to say was that I had a full-sized bed and--- She's actually really good at her job, because me bullshitting right now, I couldn't do it.
- You're doing a good job, and you look great.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
( audience cheering ) You know what? You guys are a beautiful audience.
- We have a great show tonight.
- We do.
And-- yes, clap it up for that.
So I think it's time to get this thing started.
Do you guys wanna see our next act, huh? Okay, she is more than a friend of the show, she's a sister.
She's a 3rd Dope Queen, I would argue.
She is a 3rd Dope Queen.
She has a stand-up album out called "Shut Up.
" She also has a podcast coming out.
She performs, like, all over the country.
You're gonna love her.
Please give it up for Both: Michelle Buteau! - ( audience cheering ) - Hi! Hi! What is happening? What is happening? - How are you? - Very good, yes.
How are you? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, That was so hot and intense.
I was stressed because I was like, "When are we leaving?" But I was like, "Am I horny?" It was great.
- Bye, Michelle.
- Have fun.
Oh, my God, these Queens everybody.
Give it up for the Queens.
Oh, my God.
2 Dope Queens, also the nickname for my titties.
Ow! ( chuckling ) So foolish.
I have some good news.
I just got married.
- ( audience cheering ) - Thank you, yes.
Well, actually it was seven years ago, but we're still paying for the wedding so it feels new.
My man's super-cute.
He's from Holland, which is also called The Netherlands.
I didn't know that shit.
He was like, "You don't know that shit?" I was like, "No, I went to public school, and pick a name.
" Make me feel stupid.
His name is, like, super-Dutch, too.
It's like old-school Dutch.
It's, like, the equivalent to "Bartholomew" here, or somethin', like-- It's so old.
His name is spelled G-I-J-S.
Okay, just think-- just say out loud, how-- how-- on the count of three, just say how you think G-I-J-S sounds.
- Go.
- ( audience, indistinct ) Oh, my God, there were so many men that were like, "Jizz!" Right here.
I see you.
His name is pronounced "Chhhais.
" What? For the rest of my life I have to have sex with somebody named "Gijs.
" And when he first told me his name, I was like, "I'm gonna call you 'Boo.
'" Okay? And I feel bad for him, because when he moved to America, like people are not used to white people having ethnic names.
So every time he tells someone his name I see their eyes rolling in their head like, "What's happening?" They're like, "Heist? Kike?" I'm like, "Aw, shit.
" It was so cute, though, because he realized, "Maybe, I don't know, I should change my name so people don't mess it up.
" And he realized he had to have a restaurant name.
Girl bye.
And I heard him on the phone one time and he was like, "Yes, table for two.
Uh-huh.
Oh, oh yeah.
Uh, Bob.
B-O-B, Bob.
" And I just got so sad.
I looked at him, I was like, "Boo" "I ain't gonna fuck a Bob.
" Another thing I found out, when you get married everybody wants to know when you're gonna have kids.
That's like a question people ask me.
"When you gonna have kids?" I'm like, "When you pay for them, bitch.
You gonna pay for my PPO? Uh-uh-uh.
" It's such a pet peeve of mine when people can't live in the moment and ask questions about what's going on, you know what I mean? I can tell someone's not interested in life when they ask me questions about what's happening in the future, okay? For real, it's my pet peeve.
Thank you.
Snap, snap, yes, brown titties, snap, snap, queen, yes.
Like when you're single it's like, "When you gonna have a boyfriend? You have a boyfriend, when you gonna get married?" You get married, "When are you gonna have a kid?" You have one kid, "When are you gonna have another kid?" It's like, "Bitch, get off my dick.
" I don't ever meet someone's parents or grandparents, I'm like, "Oh, my God, what are the funeral plans? You gonna get cremated? What's gonna happen with you? What you doin'? All white? Colors? What's happenin'? Doves?" It's been a good year.
I just turned 40.
- ( audience cheering ) - What? I know.
What? What? This is your Christmas future, bitches.
I love it.
I love being 40.
I love when millennials are like, "You don't look 40.
" Yes, girl, yas, yas, yas, yas.
And I can tell, you know, they like me because I remind them of their mom, but just happy which I could probably be their mom because I did have an abortion 22 years ago.
Oh, my body, my choice! Don't get judgey.
So the day before the election, November 7th, 2016, I had a big to-do list.
I went to all my doctors, I got all my holes checked.
I'm like, "I'm too cute for bacteria.
What's goin' on?" Because I didn't know who was gonna win.
I didn't know what was gonna happen with healthcare.
I'm like, "Let's do this.
" And I got a pap smear.
Ow.
And you know, it's an awkward situation when you're getting a pap smear.
I'm a good host, I'm a good person, you know? I like to talk to my doctor and stuff, you know? He's not, like, attractive.
He doesn't have to be.
He's my doctor, he's not George Clooney or, like, Idris Elba.
He's sort of like Bernie Sanders with scoliosis, you know what I mean? It's fine.
Half the time, he can't even find the hole.
I'm like, "Here you go, Doctor.
" I call it the Holland Tunnel, 'cause he knows my husband's Dutch.
I'm like, "Ow!" It's great, we have inside jokes.
I don't know what kind of day he's had so I put scented lotion on my feet, you know what I mean? I'm like, "I don't know what you've been smelling in these streets, but when you're in this room, it's vanilla scent by Victoria's Secret.
" We're making small talk and he goes, "So are you and your husband voting for the same person tomorrow?" And I was like, "Yes.
" And then he pops his little ET head up and he's like, "Well, you know, I'm a doctor, I'm Republican, I gotta go Trump.
" And I was like, "What?" And then he goes back down inside me with the instrument and I felt so violated.
I was like, "What do I do? I got to do something.
" So I just farted a little bit.
Just a little.
And-- I'm so embarrassed.
And even my fart sounded like a cry for help.
It was like, "Why? Why? Why?" And I saw the look of realization and stank come over his face and he was like, "What? What?" And I just looked at him.
I was like, "Sorry, Doc, but this is what democracy smells like!" Oh, my God, you guys are so cute.
I wanna motorboat all you guys.
( audience cheering ) Have a great night! Wear condoms! All: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! ( inaudible ) So good.
Michelle Buteau! ( audience cheering ) She's a national treasure, you guys.
I can't even deal.
Mount Rushmore, Michelle Buteau.
Yas.
So we've been talking about New York, and having been here so long I do have some pet peeves about living here.
I love New York.
It's a beautiful city, there's so many different shades, and, like, jobs, and Jobs? Like in the city? Like you have various occupations, you know what I mean? That's the most generic trait that I've ever heard to describe a city.
But there are some things that kind of burn my toast a little bit about living here.
What's burning your avocado toast? Oh, yas.
I So this hasn't happened often, but it's happened more than once so I think it's now officially a problem, is where you're on this-- I've been on the subway late at night and there's been some guy who's kind of drunk, or very drunk, and he's sleeping enough to be like he looks like he's asleep, but he's awake enough to be masturbating.
This has happened to you, like, multiple times? More than once I've seen it on the train! This makes me wanna go into criminal minds, like, in general, because he might be acting like he's asleep just so he could, you know, so there's some part of it that he's getting off on.
Oh, so he's like a method actor? He's like Daniel Day-Lewis? Okay, I can respect that.
But I'm trying to think of the scenario where you're, like, sleeping - and you're like, "Ah," like that.
- Right.
I don't know, I haven't had that yet.
- Well, get ready, sister.
- Maybe it's coming at me? It's coming at you.
It's rough.
I can't do any sort of slow walker, even if she's, like, a grandma.
And I knew that I had really started to turn when there was just two, like, beautiful older black ladies just shuffling along right in front of me, and I just wanted to go, "Move the fuck out of the way!" Like I wanted-- It was like "The Exorcist.
" It was like, "B-B-Bitch!" - Like, I was-- - They marched for your rights.
- You can't do that.
That's not okay.
- I know, that was intense.
They, like, did the sit-ins.
And I'm like ( exclaims ).
And then I have nowhere to be.
Okay, but you know, before we continue on with the show, I just-- the set is looking a little messy.
It does.
It looks a little-- Like, we're missing a chair there, which I'm not happy about.
- Those might not be real.
- Yeah, and I don't know if that's getting DirecTV or not.
Yeah.
( chuckling ) I feel like the signs are a little dusty.
- I don't know.
- Can we get somebody to come out - Can we get a stagehand to just clean a little? - Straighten up, please? - Clean a little? - ( audience cheering ) Yes, it's-- that over there.
Yeah, okay.
And maybe fluff these pillows.
Yeah, fluff 'em.
Jessica: Jon Stewart, everybody! Phoebe: Jon! Stand the fuck up! - Oh, my God.
- Hello.
That was so dope! So great.
Look at that standing ovation for you.
So this is like a billion-dollar theater completely renovated.
They spent all this money and they're like, "Make them sit on a fuckin' box.
" How 'bout that? Don't drag the box.
We approve the box.
Yeah, this is great.
It's nature, you know? - It is nature.
- We're bringing in a wood element.
- It's very important.
- It's beautiful.
This theater was-- it was empty.
It was-- Roofs were caving in.
This is back when-- before you were born.
This was Tell me more about before I was born.
This was a big theater when my dad was a kid.
This was a big place to come see movies and shit, and then when I was a kid, it fell into disrepair.
And now it looks like the inside of Marie Antoinette's vagina.
Like, this is-- this is bananas.
No, it is a very gorgeous theater.
It's very gorgeous, and you both deserve it.
And after your show is done here they're gonna knock it down again.
This is it.
This is nice.
Phoebe: Aww, thanks, Jon.
We're going for a rooftop theme, you know? - Just hanging out.
- Just, you can grill and chill.
Yeah, I'm not blind.
I mean, I can see that, you know? ( stammering ) I figure the stairs and everything-- I figured that.
Do you find that now that you go to parties a lot, like roof parties and stuff? That was not a question we discussed backstage.
- It felt crazy coming out.
- Jess, let me ask you a question.
When did you stop knowing me? What do you mean do I go to rooftop parties? Do you go to cool parties? Yeah, no, I don't get out at all, and this is exciting.
- This is really exciting.
- That's cool.
Not a whole lot.
It is true.
There's not a whole lot that can get me out of the house, but For these cocoa khaleesis? Yas.
- Yas.
- Yes.
I don't know what that meant, but yes.
- Do you know what a khaleesi is, Jon? - "Game of Thrones," and then we're cocoa 'cause we're black.
Oh, all right.
And we use, like-- well, I-- cocoa butter.
- Okay.
- So then Yeah, man, I'm a lox khaleesi.
I don't know.
- Yeah, that works.
- 'Cause I'm, like, smoked salmon and shit.
- I don't know, I got nothin'.
- That's right! I was trying to think, "What color are Jews?" Uh, hold on.
I'm like a weird olivekhaleesi.
I love that it's a "weird" olive.
I'm like an off-olive khaleesi.
- I love that.
- So this is our New York episode, and I feel like you are, like, the face of New York in so many ways.
You are, you're the Statue of Liberty, you.
So what are some of your favorite New York City moments, or craziest New York City moments? So I was pretending I was asleep on a subway once ( audience applauding ) Nicely done, nicely done.
- Well played.
- Yeah, thank you.
New York is, you know, I've been here long enough to really see it go through its paces.
You know, when I first got here it was much easier to buy drugs.
You know, I have very ambiguous feelings about the fact that, yes, it does appear to be safer and there's more things, but it lost a little bit of its pioneer charm.
And I hate the idea that-- that that's-- I hate to say that like, "You should've been here when we were robbing people.
" - 'Cause it's not-- That sounds shitty, but-- - Right, right, right.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
- But I can remember-- But when I moved here, I can remember I was working in a restaurant underneath Rock Center called, oh, shitBeanstalks, and it was the kind of restaurant where you wore a little fake tuxedo shirt from Canal Street, suspenders, and a red bowtie.
And what was the cuisine at Beanstalks? First of all, it wasn't cuisine.
When you're wearing suspenders and a bowtie, you're not serving cuisine, you're serving chunky chicken salad.
But it was the kind of place that was very aspirational because you would occasionally catch yourself in the mirror and think, "It cannot end this way.
" Like-- Like-- You looked at what had happened to you and the promise of your life, and you're wearing a red bowtie and suspenders and you have fuckin' salsa on your-- And you're just like, "I need to work harder.
" So I lived down on Grand Street down by Canal, and I would take the subway down there at around 2:00 in the morning.
And muggers would be like, "Do you need money?" Like, it was just a pathetic existence, and I can remember thinking, "I have never been happier in my life.
" - Oh, that's amazing.
- Aww! It was an amazing-- And so there was a romance to the horribleness of it.
- Aww, that's so cute.
- Yeah, there's something very sweet about that.
- Yeah, I'm really sweet.
- Sweet man.
Sweet man.
- You're-- - What-- Oh, shit.
He's done, like, so many interviews.
- Right.
You go.
- He's like-- Okay.
I'm gonna throw one.
I have friends, too, and I'm gonna talk to them.
( murmuring ) - What, um - Yeah? What are you up to now? What's the haps? I got nervous.
Okay, let me be full disclosure right now.
So, I haven't seen you in a while.
We haven't seen each other in a while.
- So I got a little nervous.
- I understand that.
- Obviously I'm so happy you're here, - Exactly.
- but I've missed you, - 'Cause we love each other.
and so I'm very happy to see you.
Here's the thing that you don't know about Jess is, she enjoyed very much, when she was on the show, taunting me.
So there was always, like, whenever I was doing anything, I'd be doing something like getting a coffee or something, be like, "How's the coffee, old man?" And then she would just keep walking.
- "Old man? What do you mean?" - I bullied him.
- I'm young and vibrant.
- I bullied my boss.
A lot of bullying going on back then.
Jon, do you wanna share some stuff that people might not know about me? - I have it.
I can do it.
- Cool, I can do that.
Yeah.
So you guys might not know this, um but when-- when, um-- What's her name? What's her name? Fobi.
- Phoebe? Fobi? - And it's spelled F-I-B-I.
Oh yeah, all right.
Like the girl from "Friends," except black.
- Okay, let's do it.
- We're gonna tag-team it a little bit, - in a second.
- That's right.
Yeah.
But I wanna talk to you because you're working on a stand-up special right now.
- This is it.
This is it.
- ( audience applauding ) - This is the special, yeah.
- Jessica: We didn't know that.
I thought I would save a little money on production, so I thought I'd come out here and I would just do this, and then this is it.
I figured, like, "Yeah, fuck it.
This is my special.
" - How is it working on your special? - Yeah, are you nervous? No, I'm not.
I'm not nervous, and I'll tell you why.
'Cause I'm at the point in my career where, like, I kinda don't give a fuck anymore.
( audience applauding ) - I love that.
- Yeah.
Like I sort of feel like, you know, I was at that point years ago, and now that I come out and I'm like, "You know what? I'm just gonna say how I feel and hopefully the people dig it.
And if not, I got sheep, and goats, and a couple pigs.
" Life is good, man.
What would your fashion story be like? What do you think your fashion story will be? - Is it-- - I think a lot about that.
I think it would be homeless old man, I think it would be.
- You look great.
- You look great, by the way.
- You're like a DILF.
- You have to lean into it.
- You're definitely a DILF.
- You're a DILF.
You're a DILF.
- And you take it.
You-- - Let me tell you, that's what young women say to older men who don't look that great.
- That's not true.
- That's not true.
We wouldn't throw out DILF for, you know, anybody.
What is that? Say that again? It means, "Dad I'd like to--" - A DILF.
- Like, "Dad I'd like to--" Friend on Facebook? - Yeah.
- Like, to fraternize with.
My daughter's 11, and her favorite hobby is, she follows me around the house, hoping I'll fall asleep.
And when I do, taking a picture of my bald spot.
- Aww! - Oh, that's intense! Okay, that's like terrorism.
That is very like terrorism.
She made a collage and it's all just-- and I'm just like, that's, just-- I'm being bullied in my own home.
It's also though, honestly, pretty funny.
- She's pretty funny, man.
- That sounds kinda funny.
The boy is funny, too.
The boy wants nothing more than just to beat my ass.
He takes Jiu-Jitsu just in the hopes of beating my ass.
Like, that's all he cares about.
Have you taken a Jiu-Jitsu class with him, - like father-son time? - Yes.
- And how was it? - He beat my ass.
No, I'm pretty good.
I used to wrestle a touch, so we have a good thing going.
But I told him, I said, "Maybe six to eight months and I'm done," he's got me beat, because he's about to hit them puberty muscles.
Yeah, you gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em.
But my daughter, I can remember when she might have been four years old or something.
She put on tights and I go, you know, "Are you going to school? We gotta go to school.
" She's like, "Oh, hold on.
" She goes and then she puts a skirt over it, and I go, "Oh, that's better.
" And she goes, "Yeah, I gotta cover up all my mischief.
" - Yas, yas, yas.
- She sounds brilliant.
- I love that.
That's great.
- "Mischief" is really funny.
- And I was just like- - You gotta cover up these hijinks.
- I think that's right.
- All these whackadoos.
- I love that.
- But she's out there.
Well, with all the guests we like to do, like, a fun game.
Oh, okay.
Dig it.
We wanna test your knowledge, your New York knowledge of pizza.
- Oh.
- Yeah, yeah.
- We're gonna bring out some 'za.
- Some pizza.
- We're gonna bring you some 'za.
- Oh, wow, okay.
- Yas! - Hi, you look amazing.
- Yas! - Hi.
What's up, man? - Hello.
- Man: How are you? How you doing? For round one, you need to do one bite of each and tell us which one is the one-dollar pizza.
This is bougie, that's crazy.
- Yeah, don't do it.
Get into it.
- Don't you dare.
- You take these fucking calories.
- No, no, no.
This is bougie.
That's crazy.
- Don't act brand new.
Okay? - Isn't that how you eat pizza? - Let me start with one thing, quickly.
- Go ahead.
Generally, pizza is served warm.
- Okay.
Okay.
- We didn't have the forethought.
- Yeah, don't drag us.
- No, I understand.
Cold pizza's great.
So, one is $1, and one is fancy pizza.
- Hey, listen, I was 19 once.
- And you have to - Decide which is which.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Okay? Phoebe: Tell us what you're tasting right now.
That's a solid cheese-to-sauce ratio.
The crust is nicely put together.
It has a certain fluffiness, yet clearly it was in an oven that was hot enough.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Both: That was the fancy pizza! - Like a real New Yorker! - Yes! - That's a real New Yorker! - You know what? I'm gonna just get in here.
Wow, this is the $1 slice.
This pizza speaks to me.
Okay, for round 2 we're doing Brooklyn versus Queens, and you need to tell which one is from where.
- Ooh.
- This is a harder round.
Hold on a second.
What do you think the consequences of this are gonna be? Everybody flipped out like, "Oh shit, someone's gonna die.
" - All right, here we go.
- J-Stew, you got this.
That's gonna catch on.
Oh, I love that.
That was cool.
It's fine.
Okay, here's your problem.
The problem with this is, so you've got a terrible bread-to-cheese ratio here.
Right now this is trapped in a netherworld between Neapolitan and Sicilian.
So it's living-- it doesn't know who it is.
- So he's-- he's in a-- - So where is it from? I think it's from a shitty pizzeria, that's where I think it's from.
- It's from Queens.
- Queens.
Well, thank you so much for doing our show.
It was an honor.
I love these two.
They're the best.
- Aww! - Thank you.
Thank you.
- ( inaudible ) - Do it.
( British accent ) I'll see you later.
You were awesome.
Thank you.
Jon Stewart, everybody! ( audience cheering ) And you can check out his annual fundraiser "Night of Too Many Stars.
" It's raising money for autism, so please support that cause as well.
( audience applauding ) Those pizzas were, like, so disrespectful.
I thought they were good.
I kinda wanna keep eating.
Yeah, well, you could if you want, but what I loved was that he took the fancy slice and he threw it.
Like, I feel like it was social commentary, which I love.
He always comes through with the social commentary.
He was hating on the 1%.
I love that.
That's so cool.
Anyway, you guys ready for our next comic? I thought she was gonna have more to say because I took a really big bite.
I thought it'd be pretty funny to see you have this pizza and introduce this amazing comedian.
( chewing ) Okay, so-- ( laughs ) Keep going and go as fast as you can, please.
Okay, so we're really excited to have this next comic on the show.
He's a staple of the New York stand-up community.
He has a special out.
He tours all over the country.
Please give it up for Both: Mark Normand! Hey, hello, hello.
Wow, thank you.
That was great! - Thank you.
- Thanks for having me.
- Thank you for doing it.
- This is amazing.
Unbelievable! Hey, hey.
Holy hell, that was wild.
I can't believe I'm following Trevor Noah.
Oh, my God.
Man, that was hilarious.
Whoo! Good to be here.
Thanks for coming out.
This is very exciting.
Good to be back in New York.
Just few in from the West Coast.
God, I hate flying, you know? They let you pick your seat on a plane.
I think I'd rather pick who I'm sitting next to, you know? I don't really give a shit where I am on the plane.
It's basically like a six-hour relationship.
Make it like a dating app, you know? Obese Nazi with a service dog? Swipe left.
Right? Tiny Asian lady with a surgical mask? That's my gal.
Yes, she is not a talker.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, man, two things I hate: small talk and eye contact.
I can't do either.
I basically have all the traits of a serial killer without the ambition, you know what I mean? Yeah.
A lot of people are scared of skydiving.
I'm more scared of the banter on the plane than I am jumping out of it, you know? You sit on the plane, it's all windy, you're strapped in, some guy's like, "So Mark, where you from?" I'm just like He's like, "We're supposed to go together.
" "I got it! Yeah.
" Yeah, brutal.
I have no desire to go thrill-seeking.
Ugh.
When you're an introvert, thrill-seeking is not only free, it's mandatory.
You gotta do it.
You gotta get out there, job interviews, family reunions, you know? At least with skydiving you get an instructor.
What about shit I'm nervous about, like a dinner party? Set me up with a guy, let me go tandem, right? I just show up, some guy's like, "Jump on.
" I'm like, "All right, here we go.
" He's giving me tips throughout the night, "Don't say the N-word.
" "Got it.
All right, yeah.
" "She's not pregnant, don't ask.
" "Thank God you're here.
" Some guy's like, "Who's your favorite comedian?" I'm like, "Bill Cosby.
" He's like, "Pull the chute!" Oh, yeah.
But yeah, it's good to be back.
I bumped into my ex-girlfriend last week.
Ugh, that's a bummer.
She's dating a DJ now.
Ooh! DJ, huh? What a talentless occupation that is, right? It's not a skill, get out of here.
What is that? He was trying to relate to me, "Hey, I'm a DJ, you're a comedian, huh, huh, huh?" I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, I write my own shit.
I don't go to a comedy club, open a laptop, and blend other people's jokes together, all right?" I don't get it, why do we glorify these guys? Hat to the side, one headphone.
You're 38.
Yeah.
What's the hubbub? I don't get it, it's not an art form.
One time I was at a party, I saw a DJ there.
He's using his DJ equipment on top of a grand piano.
That's like fucking a blow-up doll on top of an actual woman.
My ex-girlfriend, very paranoid, too.
She always thought I was cheating on her, you know? She'd always go through my phone, look through my sock drawer, sniff me.
Always looking for clues.
That's why I'm surprised you don't see more female detectives, right? You guys would be amazing at that.
You're intuitive, you're instinctual.
I feel like you gals would crack every case as long as you thought it was personalright? That's the key.
Like, "Man, this guy killed 18 people in Boston.
" "So what?" "Well, he's also cheating on his wife.
" "Give me the file.
" Yeah.
Yeah.
But it's gotta be tough, you know? I saw a girl get cat-called last week.
Oh, she was pissed.
You know what I hate when guys do is when they go, "Pff, wouldn't it be nice if we got cat-called, huh, fellas? Wouldn't that be fun, women are yelling compliments at us?" It's like, yeah, but the guys cat-calling, these aren't like the catch of the day, you know? It's just some guy with a dirty mustache like, "Aah," you know? And it'd be the same thing.
If women were cat-calling dudes, it would just be like aggressive women saying shit you don't wanna hear, you know? You walk past a bunch of girls late at night, they're just like, "Hey, I'll tell you I love you on the first date.
" Holy shit, wow.
God, Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God, we gotta get out of here.
Oh, man, good Lord.
"Hey, I won't fuck you for three months, then I'll poke a hole in the condom.
" This is a horrible neighborhood, my God.
Jesus.
Good Lord.
Holy hell.
Whew! Jeez Louise.
But yeah, you know, big fan of the ladies.
I went to that Women's March, that was cool.
That was a good time.
Yeah, it was fun.
It was a special day.
Although I gotta say, I haven't heard the word "pussy" yelled that much since that time I rollerbladed to high school.
Yeah.
Any time we're all coming together is a good thing.
We're in a weird place right now in this country.
Everything is a little scary.
We got some weirdos coming out, you know? They say ignorance is bliss, but those Nazis didn't look too chipper, you know what I mean, right? All these hate groups? Hatred's a weird thing.
Because if you go, "I hate Jewish people," everybody goes, "Oh my, God, what a prejudiced bigot.
" But if you go, "I hate people," everybody goes, "Fuckin' right.
" Yeah, that's the problem with the news now.
I feel like the news pins us all against each other.
There's a lot of tension, you know? It sucks.
The news makes it seem like all white people are scared of minorities.
I don't feel like white people are scared of minorities.
White people are scared of looking racist.
That's really the big fear.
If I'm walking down the street at 4:00 in the morning, I see a sketchy-looking white guy coming towards me, I'm like, "Shit, I'm gonna cross the street.
" If I'm walking down the street at 4:00 in the morning, I see a sketchy-looking black guy coming towards me, I'm like, "Shit, I wish I could cross the street.
" Jesus Christ, you know? I'd rather get stabbed than look like an asshole, you know? All right, thanks a lot.
I'm Mark Normand.
- You guys are great.
- ( audience applauding ) (inaudible) Keep it going for Mark Normand! ( audience cheering ) That was so good.
I know, he killed it.
He killed.
Oh, you guys having a good time? ( audience cheering ) We are, too.
You guys are such a good crowd tonight.
So we're gonna bring out our next act, and we're very excited to have him on this show.
He is a friend of the podcast "2 Dope Queens.
" He's been in shows like "Grace & Frankie.
" He has an awesome documentary called "Fatherless.
" He does a live show at UCB LA called "New Negroes.
" He's got stand-up specials.
And he just became new dad! ( audience applauding ) Both: Please give it up for Baron Vaughn! ( audience cheering ) Yas! Love the way you did that.
You know it, you know it.
Hey.
I love you so much.
Yeah, definitely, definitely.
A round of applause for the 2 Dope Queens, everybody.
Jessica and Phoebe, Phoebe and Jessica.
Staying positive.
How you guys doing? You staying positive? Me too, I'm staying positive thanks to the help of ( sing-song ) therapy.
I highly recommend it.
I recommend therapy because I recommend doing things they said that black people didn't do when I was in middle school.
Therapy, love it.
Eating blueberries, delicious.
Skiing, don't think so.
I can't trust a sport that wants me to be at the top of the mountain to start.
That's its own sport, I'll be down here.
Yeah, staying positive, turning negatives into positives.
That's what I'm doing, turning negatives into positives.
And I pulled it off the other day.
I had the stomach flu: negative.
But if you call it "bowel jazz.
" Instant positive, right? Sounds fun.
At least a good conversation with your boss.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Mr.
Boss Man, can't come in today, baby.
I got a touch of that bowel jazz.
Can you dig it? When your butt starts to improvise.
Can't keep anything down, out both ends.
( vocalizing ) I don't know when it will stop.
( scatting ) I gotta go, I feel a song coming on, and I think this trumpet solo's gonna be bananasliterally.
" All right.
I'm a fan of music, so fan of different kinds of musics.
I love gospel music.
Gospel music is one of my favorite musics, yes, indeed.
Because I was raised Southern Baptist, which is why I believe in nothing now, but I still love gospel music.
First music I ever heard.
And I was thinking about a hymn I used to love the other day.
It goes like this.
( clears throat ) He rose, He rose He rose from the grave And it popped into my head 'cause I just realized that the lyrics are, "Herose.
from the grave.
" And I was like, "Oh, right.
He rose from the grave.
" Totally different than what I thought it was which was "Heroes," one word from the grave.
" "Heroes from the grave.
" That's why it was my favorite hymn.
I was like, "Yeah, Jesus had powers, right? That's right, he's a superhero.
" 'Cause I was a kid.
I'm like, "Yeah, heroes from the grave.
That's right.
He is a superhero.
That's why we're singing this hymn which is also a perfect subtitle for the Bible.
" Seriously, that's a great subtitle for the Bible.
You slap that on the cover, "Holy Bible: Heroes from the Grave.
" You might move some units.
Just in case you had a stack of Bibles, you're like, "How am I gonna move these?" Also, Jesus did have powers.
That's not new information.
My favorite superpower of Jesus Christ is the power of being an ancient Middle Eastern Jew that everyone thinks was white.
What a miracle to make that leap.
Ancient Middle Eastern Jew, early '90s Brad Pitt.
Duh! Ripped and blonde.
It's appropriate to worship this, right? No.
That's not what Jesus looked like, actually.
Nobody knows what Jesus looked like, especially not this British documentary I watched.
It was called, ( British accent ) "What Jesus Might Have Actually Looked Like.
" They did not know but they made a three-and-a-half-hour-long documentary, and I watched it 'cause I like fancy nonsense.
( British accent ) "He's been called many things, "The Son of God," "King of Kings," and, if you're in a hurry, "Jesus.
" But what did he look like? No one knows, neither do we, but we've still been given a fat time slot.
" And I watched the whole thing, because nonsense is my favorite genre of documentary, because they throw so much shit at you, they cannot tie it together in the end.
All that information goes off the rails, and that's when it becomes a true work of art-- This one didn't disappoint.
( British accent ) "What we're gonna do right now is incredible.
" Oh, wow, okay.
Go on.
( British accent ) "This is David.
David is a forensics expert.
He reconstructs the faces of cold-case murder victims, that way the victims may become identified, and the crimes may become solved.
" And I'm just like, "Okay go on.
" ( British accent ) "To my right, three different ancient human skulls.
They carbon-date to the times in which Jesus lived.
They are also from the very areas Jesus traversed.
" And I'm just like, "Go on.
" ( British accent ) "And now David is going to reconstruct the face of one of these ancient skulls, and we will have an image.
The closest ever image of what Jesus might have actually looked like.
" And I'm just like, "Wow, you know, I was thinking of taking up yoga, but this is a stretch.
I could just stay home and get the same burn.
" And then they did, because that's not how you find that information out.
Just so you know, you can't just take three random skulls about his age from his neighborhood, put that together, and think that that's real information.
But they did it.
They were just kinda like, "All right.
" And they reconstructed one of clay, which I thought was an extra piece of poetry.
Digital scan it, then it was like a profile that turned to the screen over '80s synth music from a middle school science video.
Just( vocalizes ) "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
" Did not look like Brad Pitt.
That is not the face I saw.
The only person I can think of that any of you may have ever heard of that looked like Jesus is Mr.
T, and that's not a joke.
That's the only face I saw, especially because both he and Jesus, "Pitied the fools.
" Yeah, three random faces.
You can't do that.
You can't just in a thousand years be like, ( British accent ) "These three random skulls from Brooklyn will finally reveal what Jay-Z might have actually looked like.
Join us when we return on "Searching for J-Hova BBC.
" All right, that's it for me, everybody.
Thank you very much.
Back to the 2 Dope Queens.
( audience cheering ) - No, I can't do it.
- Okay.
- ( inaudible ) - That's okay.
Keep it going for Baron Vaughn, everybody.
( audience cheering ) Keep it going for everybody you saw tonight! Both: We are 2 Dope Queens! ( audience cheering ) Phoebe: Thank you guys so much for coming out.
You are an amazing audience.
Hit the music, we're danci'' this motherfucka out! - ( music plays ) - Ooh! Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm just a girl Like, patriarchy is a real thing.
I just wanna say that my feminism will be intersectional, or it will be bullshit.
Absolutely, girl.
Claim our bodies and claim our rights.
It's about boundaries, bro.
It's my choice.
Yeah, I'm just a girl without a bro Who like to get in my zone I'm just a girl who like to roll a blunt And smoke it alone I'm just a girl who actin' bitchy 'Cause I'm still on my cycle I'm just a girl who wanna have my cake And eat on arrival I'm just a-whoa, tired of niggas and bros Telling sisters where she need to go You like it slow, yeah, you want it dirty, I know Turn around and you call me a ho Outta my show I free da nipple and tickle them Then I proceeded to glow therefore de-stressin' Oh no, who I wanna and then I'mma kick in the do' You already know Oh you ain't know? That's babygirl Still run away, that's babygirl Every want lil' babygirl But most of y'all can't handle babygirl Who dat there? That's babygirl Make her own money, that's babygirl Still getting' paid, still still runaway Ain't ain't nobody like that babygirl Yeah, I'm just a girl Yeah, I'm just a girl Yeah, I'm just a girl who likes to pull a flip My chicken and dip I'm just a girl who got the boss what That could still make a hit I'm just a girl who keep it poppin' In Armani or Tommy I'm just a girl who like a girl Who like my meez on my nonny I'm just a, 'ey, I up da system I disturb the peace, 'ey, back all my egg Can't cop a feelin', he feelin' away He want it bad, though He masculinity fragile I don't do drugs, but I dabble Look at you, look at you, lost in the sauce No, I ain't bossy, I just be the boss Oh you ain't know? That's babygirl Still run away, that's babygirl Every want lil' babygirl But most of y'all can't handle babygirl Who dat there? That's babygirl Make her own money, that's babygirl Still gettin' paid, still still runaway Ain't ain't nobody like that babygirl Yeah, I'm just a girl Yeah, I'm just a girl (AUDIENCE CHEERING) The first night was really cool.
Everyone was excited.
It was very interactive.
BOTH: Yas! It was just wall-to-wall laughs.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING) -Fashion was on fleek.
-(CAMERA CLICKING) (LAUGHING) PHOEBE ROBINSON: Jon Stewart was fun.
I was surprised at how bougie he was with the pizza.
Generally, pizza is served warm.
(LAUGHING) Next show's gonna be great.
We got more celebs, we got more stand-up.
JESSICA WILLIAMS: I also have a white bae and I love when he greases my hair Mm-hmm.
because it does feel a little bit like reparations.
-Yeah.
-Each time his finger goes back it's like, "Ooh, are you picking the cotton now, or me?" (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Elevate, elevate Elevate, elevate I'ma get lifted Sippin' Malibu See you there.
-Bye! -Bye que bye.
Elevate, elevate Elevate, elevate I'ma get lifted tonight
- This is so iconic.
Looks so expensive.
This is crazy.
Hold on, hold on, hold on! - Uh, tickets please.
- ( chuckling ) We don't need tickets, we're the 2 Dope Queens.
Yeah, so we're just gonna go.
Oh, y'all are Jessica and Phoebe? You're 2 Dope Queens? - Yeah, we are the 2 Dope Queens.
- Yeah.
That ain't you.
Nah.
( chuckling ) Are you joking? Nah, it's not a joke.
I need some tickets.
Lemme just Google us really quick.
- Please.
This is wild right now.
- Hold up.
Hold up.
This state of, like, black-on-black aggression right now is insane.
It's not, really.
You're actively against black people.
But, look-- this is us! Well, it doesn't look like you.
- Your hair is different.
- That's-- It's called weaves.
Google a weave for us, please.
You want to buy some tickets or what? You wanna get in the show or what? Yeah, fine.
Let's buy-- Let's buy some tickets to our own HBO special.
- Here.
Here's a card.
- Thank you.
- Charge me.
This is insane.
- Whatever.
Oh! Y'all just bought the last two tickets to the show.
- It's sold out.
- ( both shrieking ) Oh, my God.
Did we really sell out the show? - Shut the fuck up! - Are you-- ( sing-song ) We sold out the show Both: Sold out the show Oh, we sold out the show ( audience cheering ) Announcer: Here live at King's Theater in beautiful Brooklyn, New York, it's Phoebe Robinson and Jessica Williams, your 2 Dope Queens! Yes, yes I'm the best, fuck what you heard Anything less is obviously absurd Haters get the bird, more like an eagle This is my movie, stay tuned for the sequel Seems so wrong, seems so illegal Fellas in the back like a foul-ball free-throw Yep, yep, you know that I go This is me on the regular, so you know This is me on the regular, so you know.
Phoebe: Yas! It's an active set, y'all! Yas! Everything's grab-able! - Yas! ( laughs ) - Yeah! Hold my legs up, hold my legs up.
I don't know.
I just look at it straight, I just wanna go, like-- ( blows raspberry ) Like that.
Hi! ( audience cheering ) What's up, everybody? Welcome to "2 Dope Queens"! Live from Kings Theater in Brooklyn! Brought to you by Both: HBO! - Mmm, mmm, mmm.
- We got that HBO money Got some money for our hair That's why they both look crazy They look awesome There's a lot of volume I now get why Beyonce's always flipping her blonde hair.
- I'm always just like-- - Do you feel good with the blonde? - Give me a macchiato! - I love that.
- ( giggling ) - I love that.
- It's so great.
- I'm feeling very, like - It's Donna Summer.
- It is, right? - Yes! - I feel-- I also feel a little bit like-- ( imitates Chaka Khan ) I will love you anyway ( Phoebe laughs ) - That was so good! - It's-- it's a lot of things.
I'm feeling a little bit SZA with my shape, like, my shape feels like SZA.
Yas! Yas.
Like a perpetual-breakup SZA.
Aww, SZ's, aww.
She's, like, "Don't call me that.
" That sounds almost as bad as-- remember when I wanted to call Hillary Clinton Hillary Clin-Clin? - Yeah.
- Yeah, that was ignorant.
Don't call her Clin-Clin! She'll be fine.
She was like, "Hey, whatever.
" She sounded like Barack Obama, but great.
I know, sorry, that was my politician voice.
Don't drag me at our HBO special.
It's great! You're an angel.
Black women apologizing to black women.
Ooh! That would be a good podcast.
That's dope, but it's also like, why should we do it to each other when there's so many other people - that should apologize to us first.
- I think-- Just kidding! I'm just kidding! - No, I'm not! I'm not.
- Please don't cancel us.
I know a handful of white people that can apologize to me.
Okay, give me one.
Okay, first off, the guy in Southwest who didn't think I was I'm group number one, even though I was in group number one.
Well, that's trash, because it's like it's Southwest, so how dare you be snooty on this fuckin' communal-ass airbus? That's insane that you were-- that would be like in "Pretty Woman" if those women were talking to her like that in Walmart.
Right.
Exactly, so that guy should apologize.
Here's one.
There's a-- the white guy at the bar who's like, "I love chocolate.
" Yeah.
And all of his fuckin' friends that do that, too.
That guy needs to apologize.
Okay, I wanna say white girls who are always like, "I wish I could tell someone to kiss my black ass.
- That's so cool.
" - Oh, my gosh! They need to apologize.
Yeah, I'm like, that's literally .
0000001% of the black experience.
Yeah, that's wild.
And it's, like, not "Waiting to Exhale.
" Chances are you're gonna get kicked out or fired if you do that.
Right.
I got one.
You know what? This might be a little controversial, just a white guy that should apologize-- maybe Thomas Jefferson.
Oh, of course.
No "maybe.
" Definitely! I just think some people are, like, really into history so I know that's gonna rub some people the wrong way.
But also, oh, my fucking goodness, I can't believe that.
No, I think that's-- Yes, and also the people who are like, "His lover, Sally--" No, it's not-- - Sally Hemmings was not a lover.
- No.
Mnh-mnh.
That got real, but I just wanted to say.
That was really intense.
I love that, though.
- We ain't gonna play with these hoes.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Who else should apologize? I like this game.
This is the most-- Oh, people who misspell my name on the Starbucks-- on the side of the cup.
They always misspell my name.
Yeah, yeah, how do they spell it? F-I-B-I.
That's insane.
F-I-B-I? Fibi? - Yeah, Fibi.
Fibi.
- Fibi.
You're Fibi.
It's my Fitbit.
That's ignorant.
Someone actually put, like, a "Y" in the middle of my name, like they weren't even trying.
They were just like, "Here's a first rough draft, - andGodspeed.
" - "Bye-bye.
" - Sometimes they are slammed, but that's ignorant.
- Right.
I'm just trying to be nice to them.
But also Phoebe from "Friends," Phoebe from "Catcher in the Rye," Phoebe from "Charmed.
" There's references.
You should've started with "Charmed.
" You can't start with "Charmed" over "Catcher in the Rye"! I would've started with-- Holden can suck it.
I'm all about "Charmed.
" But anyway, guys, this is our New York episode.
We gotta show love to New York.
( audience applause ) Celebrating this city that we love, that many of us live in.
I've been in New York forsev-- 15 years now.
( audience cheers ) I love that it went from 7 to 15, or was it 17, 15? It was gonna be-- 17, 15.
But I love New York, and I remember my first apartment in New York when I graduated college and I got my first-- It was a basement apartment with two friends of mine.
( audience member cheers ) - Yas.
- Do you just like basements, or is it friends? Never mind, we'll talk after.
Yeah.
But yeah, that was my first apartment.
It was, like, all we could afford.
It was like in this-- it used to be an old hospital, so it was, like, in the nurses' wing.
- Haunted.
So it was very haunted.
- Haunted.
- Was it haunted? - I don't know if it was haunted, but we definitely lived in the basement, so that's probably, like, where the cadavers hung out.
I would throw some cadavers down there - if I owned an old hospital.
- Yeah! The craziest thing about the apartment, so we moved in, and I remember we kept hearing like a "Meow, meow," we kept hearing meowing, and this was going on for a few days.
And we're like, "Meow, meow, meow.
" I don't know-- Was it like a hip-hop cat? ( vocalizing ) And we had two baby kittens stuck in the bedroom wall of my roommate.
It-- - ( audience laughter ) - And so we freed the-- Why is that funny? - It's cute.
- ( chuckling ) Okay.
It's cute, it's like, "Look where we found ourselves.
In between--" There's something kind of cute and sad about it, but pretty cute.
What about your first apartment? My first apartment, I moved here for "The Daily Show.
" - Yas! - And I-- - ( audience applauding ) - Thank you.
I got it when I was still in school, and I had been living with my parents.
And I really liked living with Leon and Maria, my really awesome parents.
I liked living with them because the food was regular.
And then I had to pick up everything and move to New York to do "The Daily Show" in a matter of, like, two weeks, which was insane.
So I was looking on Craigslist and stuff, and I found this place in the West Village because it was on the 1, which goes right to "The Daily Show" studio.
And it was such a massive amount of money for the room that I got, which was basically a queen-sized bed.
And that was it, like, the room was like you walk in and it's a queen-sized bed, and then that's it.
I mean, I'm not gonna feel sorry-- You have a queen-sized bed.
No, you should feel sorry for me.
I felt-- Guys, you know what's hard? When you pay a lot of money and then you get a queen-sized bed, am I right? Get the hell out of here.
Get out of here! ( laughing ) Come here.
That was bullshit.
- How dare yo ass - ( laughing ) drag me in front of a majority- white-people situation? That was disrespectful.
You could do it in front of our people, but not these other fuckin' people.
Just because you got blonde hair now don't mean shit.
You know what? This is what happens in the black community.
Let's let them see.
Let them see.
- Let 'em see.
- ( laughing ) Sometimes we do this.
As black women, we need to work some shit out.
You should be thanking your lucky stars that you're able to see us be "vuln" in front of you guys.
- Okay, but you had a queen-sized bed, yes.
- Anyway, it was very small.
But when I landed in New York, I had never had weather before that was real.
It was freezing cold.
I had this new crazy job and I had this really, really small bedroom that I was paying a shit-ton of money for.
And I just missed my home.
I felt like, do you remember Tom Hanks in "Big" when he crawls into his bed for the first time in New York and he's, like, crying himself to sleep? That's how I felt like.
Aww, Jessica.
I'm glad you finally fuckin' came around.
Well, I think you should lead with that and not be like, "I had this big bed and it was annoying.
" I think I think I should be able to be how I am, - however I needs to be - Okay.
with you on our rooftop.
But I think I should also check you, because I currently have a full-sized bed because my room is so small.
Yeah, silence.
Well, it's mostly because-- don't take a lap.
I'm gonna meet you at the lap.
I'm gonna meet you in the lap.
I met you in the lap.
I'm gonna meet you in the other side of the lap.
- Yeah, what's the other side? - But also, it's because I did say queen-sized bed, but it was a full bed.
And so the fact that I'm getting dragged - Okay, Kellyanne Conway! - The fact that I'm getting dragged-- - No, don't drag me.
- Okay, Kellyanne.
Don't drag me.
( imitating Kellyanne Conway ) How else does this story change? Don't drag me, but I did have a full-sized bed.
And what I really meant to say was that I had a full-sized bed and--- She's actually really good at her job, because me bullshitting right now, I couldn't do it.
- You're doing a good job, and you look great.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
( audience cheering ) You know what? You guys are a beautiful audience.
- We have a great show tonight.
- We do.
And-- yes, clap it up for that.
So I think it's time to get this thing started.
Do you guys wanna see our next act, huh? Okay, she is more than a friend of the show, she's a sister.
She's a 3rd Dope Queen, I would argue.
She is a 3rd Dope Queen.
She has a stand-up album out called "Shut Up.
" She also has a podcast coming out.
She performs, like, all over the country.
You're gonna love her.
Please give it up for Both: Michelle Buteau! - ( audience cheering ) - Hi! Hi! What is happening? What is happening? - How are you? - Very good, yes.
How are you? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, That was so hot and intense.
I was stressed because I was like, "When are we leaving?" But I was like, "Am I horny?" It was great.
- Bye, Michelle.
- Have fun.
Oh, my God, these Queens everybody.
Give it up for the Queens.
Oh, my God.
2 Dope Queens, also the nickname for my titties.
Ow! ( chuckling ) So foolish.
I have some good news.
I just got married.
- ( audience cheering ) - Thank you, yes.
Well, actually it was seven years ago, but we're still paying for the wedding so it feels new.
My man's super-cute.
He's from Holland, which is also called The Netherlands.
I didn't know that shit.
He was like, "You don't know that shit?" I was like, "No, I went to public school, and pick a name.
" Make me feel stupid.
His name is, like, super-Dutch, too.
It's like old-school Dutch.
It's, like, the equivalent to "Bartholomew" here, or somethin', like-- It's so old.
His name is spelled G-I-J-S.
Okay, just think-- just say out loud, how-- how-- on the count of three, just say how you think G-I-J-S sounds.
- Go.
- ( audience, indistinct ) Oh, my God, there were so many men that were like, "Jizz!" Right here.
I see you.
His name is pronounced "Chhhais.
" What? For the rest of my life I have to have sex with somebody named "Gijs.
" And when he first told me his name, I was like, "I'm gonna call you 'Boo.
'" Okay? And I feel bad for him, because when he moved to America, like people are not used to white people having ethnic names.
So every time he tells someone his name I see their eyes rolling in their head like, "What's happening?" They're like, "Heist? Kike?" I'm like, "Aw, shit.
" It was so cute, though, because he realized, "Maybe, I don't know, I should change my name so people don't mess it up.
" And he realized he had to have a restaurant name.
Girl bye.
And I heard him on the phone one time and he was like, "Yes, table for two.
Uh-huh.
Oh, oh yeah.
Uh, Bob.
B-O-B, Bob.
" And I just got so sad.
I looked at him, I was like, "Boo" "I ain't gonna fuck a Bob.
" Another thing I found out, when you get married everybody wants to know when you're gonna have kids.
That's like a question people ask me.
"When you gonna have kids?" I'm like, "When you pay for them, bitch.
You gonna pay for my PPO? Uh-uh-uh.
" It's such a pet peeve of mine when people can't live in the moment and ask questions about what's going on, you know what I mean? I can tell someone's not interested in life when they ask me questions about what's happening in the future, okay? For real, it's my pet peeve.
Thank you.
Snap, snap, yes, brown titties, snap, snap, queen, yes.
Like when you're single it's like, "When you gonna have a boyfriend? You have a boyfriend, when you gonna get married?" You get married, "When are you gonna have a kid?" You have one kid, "When are you gonna have another kid?" It's like, "Bitch, get off my dick.
" I don't ever meet someone's parents or grandparents, I'm like, "Oh, my God, what are the funeral plans? You gonna get cremated? What's gonna happen with you? What you doin'? All white? Colors? What's happenin'? Doves?" It's been a good year.
I just turned 40.
- ( audience cheering ) - What? I know.
What? What? This is your Christmas future, bitches.
I love it.
I love being 40.
I love when millennials are like, "You don't look 40.
" Yes, girl, yas, yas, yas, yas.
And I can tell, you know, they like me because I remind them of their mom, but just happy which I could probably be their mom because I did have an abortion 22 years ago.
Oh, my body, my choice! Don't get judgey.
So the day before the election, November 7th, 2016, I had a big to-do list.
I went to all my doctors, I got all my holes checked.
I'm like, "I'm too cute for bacteria.
What's goin' on?" Because I didn't know who was gonna win.
I didn't know what was gonna happen with healthcare.
I'm like, "Let's do this.
" And I got a pap smear.
Ow.
And you know, it's an awkward situation when you're getting a pap smear.
I'm a good host, I'm a good person, you know? I like to talk to my doctor and stuff, you know? He's not, like, attractive.
He doesn't have to be.
He's my doctor, he's not George Clooney or, like, Idris Elba.
He's sort of like Bernie Sanders with scoliosis, you know what I mean? It's fine.
Half the time, he can't even find the hole.
I'm like, "Here you go, Doctor.
" I call it the Holland Tunnel, 'cause he knows my husband's Dutch.
I'm like, "Ow!" It's great, we have inside jokes.
I don't know what kind of day he's had so I put scented lotion on my feet, you know what I mean? I'm like, "I don't know what you've been smelling in these streets, but when you're in this room, it's vanilla scent by Victoria's Secret.
" We're making small talk and he goes, "So are you and your husband voting for the same person tomorrow?" And I was like, "Yes.
" And then he pops his little ET head up and he's like, "Well, you know, I'm a doctor, I'm Republican, I gotta go Trump.
" And I was like, "What?" And then he goes back down inside me with the instrument and I felt so violated.
I was like, "What do I do? I got to do something.
" So I just farted a little bit.
Just a little.
And-- I'm so embarrassed.
And even my fart sounded like a cry for help.
It was like, "Why? Why? Why?" And I saw the look of realization and stank come over his face and he was like, "What? What?" And I just looked at him.
I was like, "Sorry, Doc, but this is what democracy smells like!" Oh, my God, you guys are so cute.
I wanna motorboat all you guys.
( audience cheering ) Have a great night! Wear condoms! All: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! ( inaudible ) So good.
Michelle Buteau! ( audience cheering ) She's a national treasure, you guys.
I can't even deal.
Mount Rushmore, Michelle Buteau.
Yas.
So we've been talking about New York, and having been here so long I do have some pet peeves about living here.
I love New York.
It's a beautiful city, there's so many different shades, and, like, jobs, and Jobs? Like in the city? Like you have various occupations, you know what I mean? That's the most generic trait that I've ever heard to describe a city.
But there are some things that kind of burn my toast a little bit about living here.
What's burning your avocado toast? Oh, yas.
I So this hasn't happened often, but it's happened more than once so I think it's now officially a problem, is where you're on this-- I've been on the subway late at night and there's been some guy who's kind of drunk, or very drunk, and he's sleeping enough to be like he looks like he's asleep, but he's awake enough to be masturbating.
This has happened to you, like, multiple times? More than once I've seen it on the train! This makes me wanna go into criminal minds, like, in general, because he might be acting like he's asleep just so he could, you know, so there's some part of it that he's getting off on.
Oh, so he's like a method actor? He's like Daniel Day-Lewis? Okay, I can respect that.
But I'm trying to think of the scenario where you're, like, sleeping - and you're like, "Ah," like that.
- Right.
I don't know, I haven't had that yet.
- Well, get ready, sister.
- Maybe it's coming at me? It's coming at you.
It's rough.
I can't do any sort of slow walker, even if she's, like, a grandma.
And I knew that I had really started to turn when there was just two, like, beautiful older black ladies just shuffling along right in front of me, and I just wanted to go, "Move the fuck out of the way!" Like I wanted-- It was like "The Exorcist.
" It was like, "B-B-Bitch!" - Like, I was-- - They marched for your rights.
- You can't do that.
That's not okay.
- I know, that was intense.
They, like, did the sit-ins.
And I'm like ( exclaims ).
And then I have nowhere to be.
Okay, but you know, before we continue on with the show, I just-- the set is looking a little messy.
It does.
It looks a little-- Like, we're missing a chair there, which I'm not happy about.
- Those might not be real.
- Yeah, and I don't know if that's getting DirecTV or not.
Yeah.
( chuckling ) I feel like the signs are a little dusty.
- I don't know.
- Can we get somebody to come out - Can we get a stagehand to just clean a little? - Straighten up, please? - Clean a little? - ( audience cheering ) Yes, it's-- that over there.
Yeah, okay.
And maybe fluff these pillows.
Yeah, fluff 'em.
Jessica: Jon Stewart, everybody! Phoebe: Jon! Stand the fuck up! - Oh, my God.
- Hello.
That was so dope! So great.
Look at that standing ovation for you.
So this is like a billion-dollar theater completely renovated.
They spent all this money and they're like, "Make them sit on a fuckin' box.
" How 'bout that? Don't drag the box.
We approve the box.
Yeah, this is great.
It's nature, you know? - It is nature.
- We're bringing in a wood element.
- It's very important.
- It's beautiful.
This theater was-- it was empty.
It was-- Roofs were caving in.
This is back when-- before you were born.
This was Tell me more about before I was born.
This was a big theater when my dad was a kid.
This was a big place to come see movies and shit, and then when I was a kid, it fell into disrepair.
And now it looks like the inside of Marie Antoinette's vagina.
Like, this is-- this is bananas.
No, it is a very gorgeous theater.
It's very gorgeous, and you both deserve it.
And after your show is done here they're gonna knock it down again.
This is it.
This is nice.
Phoebe: Aww, thanks, Jon.
We're going for a rooftop theme, you know? - Just hanging out.
- Just, you can grill and chill.
Yeah, I'm not blind.
I mean, I can see that, you know? ( stammering ) I figure the stairs and everything-- I figured that.
Do you find that now that you go to parties a lot, like roof parties and stuff? That was not a question we discussed backstage.
- It felt crazy coming out.
- Jess, let me ask you a question.
When did you stop knowing me? What do you mean do I go to rooftop parties? Do you go to cool parties? Yeah, no, I don't get out at all, and this is exciting.
- This is really exciting.
- That's cool.
Not a whole lot.
It is true.
There's not a whole lot that can get me out of the house, but For these cocoa khaleesis? Yas.
- Yas.
- Yes.
I don't know what that meant, but yes.
- Do you know what a khaleesi is, Jon? - "Game of Thrones," and then we're cocoa 'cause we're black.
Oh, all right.
And we use, like-- well, I-- cocoa butter.
- Okay.
- So then Yeah, man, I'm a lox khaleesi.
I don't know.
- Yeah, that works.
- 'Cause I'm, like, smoked salmon and shit.
- I don't know, I got nothin'.
- That's right! I was trying to think, "What color are Jews?" Uh, hold on.
I'm like a weird olivekhaleesi.
I love that it's a "weird" olive.
I'm like an off-olive khaleesi.
- I love that.
- So this is our New York episode, and I feel like you are, like, the face of New York in so many ways.
You are, you're the Statue of Liberty, you.
So what are some of your favorite New York City moments, or craziest New York City moments? So I was pretending I was asleep on a subway once ( audience applauding ) Nicely done, nicely done.
- Well played.
- Yeah, thank you.
New York is, you know, I've been here long enough to really see it go through its paces.
You know, when I first got here it was much easier to buy drugs.
You know, I have very ambiguous feelings about the fact that, yes, it does appear to be safer and there's more things, but it lost a little bit of its pioneer charm.
And I hate the idea that-- that that's-- I hate to say that like, "You should've been here when we were robbing people.
" - 'Cause it's not-- That sounds shitty, but-- - Right, right, right.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
- But I can remember-- But when I moved here, I can remember I was working in a restaurant underneath Rock Center called, oh, shitBeanstalks, and it was the kind of restaurant where you wore a little fake tuxedo shirt from Canal Street, suspenders, and a red bowtie.
And what was the cuisine at Beanstalks? First of all, it wasn't cuisine.
When you're wearing suspenders and a bowtie, you're not serving cuisine, you're serving chunky chicken salad.
But it was the kind of place that was very aspirational because you would occasionally catch yourself in the mirror and think, "It cannot end this way.
" Like-- Like-- You looked at what had happened to you and the promise of your life, and you're wearing a red bowtie and suspenders and you have fuckin' salsa on your-- And you're just like, "I need to work harder.
" So I lived down on Grand Street down by Canal, and I would take the subway down there at around 2:00 in the morning.
And muggers would be like, "Do you need money?" Like, it was just a pathetic existence, and I can remember thinking, "I have never been happier in my life.
" - Oh, that's amazing.
- Aww! It was an amazing-- And so there was a romance to the horribleness of it.
- Aww, that's so cute.
- Yeah, there's something very sweet about that.
- Yeah, I'm really sweet.
- Sweet man.
Sweet man.
- You're-- - What-- Oh, shit.
He's done, like, so many interviews.
- Right.
You go.
- He's like-- Okay.
I'm gonna throw one.
I have friends, too, and I'm gonna talk to them.
( murmuring ) - What, um - Yeah? What are you up to now? What's the haps? I got nervous.
Okay, let me be full disclosure right now.
So, I haven't seen you in a while.
We haven't seen each other in a while.
- So I got a little nervous.
- I understand that.
- Obviously I'm so happy you're here, - Exactly.
- but I've missed you, - 'Cause we love each other.
and so I'm very happy to see you.
Here's the thing that you don't know about Jess is, she enjoyed very much, when she was on the show, taunting me.
So there was always, like, whenever I was doing anything, I'd be doing something like getting a coffee or something, be like, "How's the coffee, old man?" And then she would just keep walking.
- "Old man? What do you mean?" - I bullied him.
- I'm young and vibrant.
- I bullied my boss.
A lot of bullying going on back then.
Jon, do you wanna share some stuff that people might not know about me? - I have it.
I can do it.
- Cool, I can do that.
Yeah.
So you guys might not know this, um but when-- when, um-- What's her name? What's her name? Fobi.
- Phoebe? Fobi? - And it's spelled F-I-B-I.
Oh yeah, all right.
Like the girl from "Friends," except black.
- Okay, let's do it.
- We're gonna tag-team it a little bit, - in a second.
- That's right.
Yeah.
But I wanna talk to you because you're working on a stand-up special right now.
- This is it.
This is it.
- ( audience applauding ) - This is the special, yeah.
- Jessica: We didn't know that.
I thought I would save a little money on production, so I thought I'd come out here and I would just do this, and then this is it.
I figured, like, "Yeah, fuck it.
This is my special.
" - How is it working on your special? - Yeah, are you nervous? No, I'm not.
I'm not nervous, and I'll tell you why.
'Cause I'm at the point in my career where, like, I kinda don't give a fuck anymore.
( audience applauding ) - I love that.
- Yeah.
Like I sort of feel like, you know, I was at that point years ago, and now that I come out and I'm like, "You know what? I'm just gonna say how I feel and hopefully the people dig it.
And if not, I got sheep, and goats, and a couple pigs.
" Life is good, man.
What would your fashion story be like? What do you think your fashion story will be? - Is it-- - I think a lot about that.
I think it would be homeless old man, I think it would be.
- You look great.
- You look great, by the way.
- You're like a DILF.
- You have to lean into it.
- You're definitely a DILF.
- You're a DILF.
You're a DILF.
- And you take it.
You-- - Let me tell you, that's what young women say to older men who don't look that great.
- That's not true.
- That's not true.
We wouldn't throw out DILF for, you know, anybody.
What is that? Say that again? It means, "Dad I'd like to--" - A DILF.
- Like, "Dad I'd like to--" Friend on Facebook? - Yeah.
- Like, to fraternize with.
My daughter's 11, and her favorite hobby is, she follows me around the house, hoping I'll fall asleep.
And when I do, taking a picture of my bald spot.
- Aww! - Oh, that's intense! Okay, that's like terrorism.
That is very like terrorism.
She made a collage and it's all just-- and I'm just like, that's, just-- I'm being bullied in my own home.
It's also though, honestly, pretty funny.
- She's pretty funny, man.
- That sounds kinda funny.
The boy is funny, too.
The boy wants nothing more than just to beat my ass.
He takes Jiu-Jitsu just in the hopes of beating my ass.
Like, that's all he cares about.
Have you taken a Jiu-Jitsu class with him, - like father-son time? - Yes.
- And how was it? - He beat my ass.
No, I'm pretty good.
I used to wrestle a touch, so we have a good thing going.
But I told him, I said, "Maybe six to eight months and I'm done," he's got me beat, because he's about to hit them puberty muscles.
Yeah, you gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em.
But my daughter, I can remember when she might have been four years old or something.
She put on tights and I go, you know, "Are you going to school? We gotta go to school.
" She's like, "Oh, hold on.
" She goes and then she puts a skirt over it, and I go, "Oh, that's better.
" And she goes, "Yeah, I gotta cover up all my mischief.
" - Yas, yas, yas.
- She sounds brilliant.
- I love that.
That's great.
- "Mischief" is really funny.
- And I was just like- - You gotta cover up these hijinks.
- I think that's right.
- All these whackadoos.
- I love that.
- But she's out there.
Well, with all the guests we like to do, like, a fun game.
Oh, okay.
Dig it.
We wanna test your knowledge, your New York knowledge of pizza.
- Oh.
- Yeah, yeah.
- We're gonna bring out some 'za.
- Some pizza.
- We're gonna bring you some 'za.
- Oh, wow, okay.
- Yas! - Hi, you look amazing.
- Yas! - Hi.
What's up, man? - Hello.
- Man: How are you? How you doing? For round one, you need to do one bite of each and tell us which one is the one-dollar pizza.
This is bougie, that's crazy.
- Yeah, don't do it.
Get into it.
- Don't you dare.
- You take these fucking calories.
- No, no, no.
This is bougie.
That's crazy.
- Don't act brand new.
Okay? - Isn't that how you eat pizza? - Let me start with one thing, quickly.
- Go ahead.
Generally, pizza is served warm.
- Okay.
Okay.
- We didn't have the forethought.
- Yeah, don't drag us.
- No, I understand.
Cold pizza's great.
So, one is $1, and one is fancy pizza.
- Hey, listen, I was 19 once.
- And you have to - Decide which is which.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Okay? Phoebe: Tell us what you're tasting right now.
That's a solid cheese-to-sauce ratio.
The crust is nicely put together.
It has a certain fluffiness, yet clearly it was in an oven that was hot enough.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Both: That was the fancy pizza! - Like a real New Yorker! - Yes! - That's a real New Yorker! - You know what? I'm gonna just get in here.
Wow, this is the $1 slice.
This pizza speaks to me.
Okay, for round 2 we're doing Brooklyn versus Queens, and you need to tell which one is from where.
- Ooh.
- This is a harder round.
Hold on a second.
What do you think the consequences of this are gonna be? Everybody flipped out like, "Oh shit, someone's gonna die.
" - All right, here we go.
- J-Stew, you got this.
That's gonna catch on.
Oh, I love that.
That was cool.
It's fine.
Okay, here's your problem.
The problem with this is, so you've got a terrible bread-to-cheese ratio here.
Right now this is trapped in a netherworld between Neapolitan and Sicilian.
So it's living-- it doesn't know who it is.
- So he's-- he's in a-- - So where is it from? I think it's from a shitty pizzeria, that's where I think it's from.
- It's from Queens.
- Queens.
Well, thank you so much for doing our show.
It was an honor.
I love these two.
They're the best.
- Aww! - Thank you.
Thank you.
- ( inaudible ) - Do it.
( British accent ) I'll see you later.
You were awesome.
Thank you.
Jon Stewart, everybody! ( audience cheering ) And you can check out his annual fundraiser "Night of Too Many Stars.
" It's raising money for autism, so please support that cause as well.
( audience applauding ) Those pizzas were, like, so disrespectful.
I thought they were good.
I kinda wanna keep eating.
Yeah, well, you could if you want, but what I loved was that he took the fancy slice and he threw it.
Like, I feel like it was social commentary, which I love.
He always comes through with the social commentary.
He was hating on the 1%.
I love that.
That's so cool.
Anyway, you guys ready for our next comic? I thought she was gonna have more to say because I took a really big bite.
I thought it'd be pretty funny to see you have this pizza and introduce this amazing comedian.
( chewing ) Okay, so-- ( laughs ) Keep going and go as fast as you can, please.
Okay, so we're really excited to have this next comic on the show.
He's a staple of the New York stand-up community.
He has a special out.
He tours all over the country.
Please give it up for Both: Mark Normand! Hey, hello, hello.
Wow, thank you.
That was great! - Thank you.
- Thanks for having me.
- Thank you for doing it.
- This is amazing.
Unbelievable! Hey, hey.
Holy hell, that was wild.
I can't believe I'm following Trevor Noah.
Oh, my God.
Man, that was hilarious.
Whoo! Good to be here.
Thanks for coming out.
This is very exciting.
Good to be back in New York.
Just few in from the West Coast.
God, I hate flying, you know? They let you pick your seat on a plane.
I think I'd rather pick who I'm sitting next to, you know? I don't really give a shit where I am on the plane.
It's basically like a six-hour relationship.
Make it like a dating app, you know? Obese Nazi with a service dog? Swipe left.
Right? Tiny Asian lady with a surgical mask? That's my gal.
Yes, she is not a talker.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, man, two things I hate: small talk and eye contact.
I can't do either.
I basically have all the traits of a serial killer without the ambition, you know what I mean? Yeah.
A lot of people are scared of skydiving.
I'm more scared of the banter on the plane than I am jumping out of it, you know? You sit on the plane, it's all windy, you're strapped in, some guy's like, "So Mark, where you from?" I'm just like He's like, "We're supposed to go together.
" "I got it! Yeah.
" Yeah, brutal.
I have no desire to go thrill-seeking.
Ugh.
When you're an introvert, thrill-seeking is not only free, it's mandatory.
You gotta do it.
You gotta get out there, job interviews, family reunions, you know? At least with skydiving you get an instructor.
What about shit I'm nervous about, like a dinner party? Set me up with a guy, let me go tandem, right? I just show up, some guy's like, "Jump on.
" I'm like, "All right, here we go.
" He's giving me tips throughout the night, "Don't say the N-word.
" "Got it.
All right, yeah.
" "She's not pregnant, don't ask.
" "Thank God you're here.
" Some guy's like, "Who's your favorite comedian?" I'm like, "Bill Cosby.
" He's like, "Pull the chute!" Oh, yeah.
But yeah, it's good to be back.
I bumped into my ex-girlfriend last week.
Ugh, that's a bummer.
She's dating a DJ now.
Ooh! DJ, huh? What a talentless occupation that is, right? It's not a skill, get out of here.
What is that? He was trying to relate to me, "Hey, I'm a DJ, you're a comedian, huh, huh, huh?" I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, I write my own shit.
I don't go to a comedy club, open a laptop, and blend other people's jokes together, all right?" I don't get it, why do we glorify these guys? Hat to the side, one headphone.
You're 38.
Yeah.
What's the hubbub? I don't get it, it's not an art form.
One time I was at a party, I saw a DJ there.
He's using his DJ equipment on top of a grand piano.
That's like fucking a blow-up doll on top of an actual woman.
My ex-girlfriend, very paranoid, too.
She always thought I was cheating on her, you know? She'd always go through my phone, look through my sock drawer, sniff me.
Always looking for clues.
That's why I'm surprised you don't see more female detectives, right? You guys would be amazing at that.
You're intuitive, you're instinctual.
I feel like you gals would crack every case as long as you thought it was personalright? That's the key.
Like, "Man, this guy killed 18 people in Boston.
" "So what?" "Well, he's also cheating on his wife.
" "Give me the file.
" Yeah.
Yeah.
But it's gotta be tough, you know? I saw a girl get cat-called last week.
Oh, she was pissed.
You know what I hate when guys do is when they go, "Pff, wouldn't it be nice if we got cat-called, huh, fellas? Wouldn't that be fun, women are yelling compliments at us?" It's like, yeah, but the guys cat-calling, these aren't like the catch of the day, you know? It's just some guy with a dirty mustache like, "Aah," you know? And it'd be the same thing.
If women were cat-calling dudes, it would just be like aggressive women saying shit you don't wanna hear, you know? You walk past a bunch of girls late at night, they're just like, "Hey, I'll tell you I love you on the first date.
" Holy shit, wow.
God, Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God, we gotta get out of here.
Oh, man, good Lord.
"Hey, I won't fuck you for three months, then I'll poke a hole in the condom.
" This is a horrible neighborhood, my God.
Jesus.
Good Lord.
Holy hell.
Whew! Jeez Louise.
But yeah, you know, big fan of the ladies.
I went to that Women's March, that was cool.
That was a good time.
Yeah, it was fun.
It was a special day.
Although I gotta say, I haven't heard the word "pussy" yelled that much since that time I rollerbladed to high school.
Yeah.
Any time we're all coming together is a good thing.
We're in a weird place right now in this country.
Everything is a little scary.
We got some weirdos coming out, you know? They say ignorance is bliss, but those Nazis didn't look too chipper, you know what I mean, right? All these hate groups? Hatred's a weird thing.
Because if you go, "I hate Jewish people," everybody goes, "Oh my, God, what a prejudiced bigot.
" But if you go, "I hate people," everybody goes, "Fuckin' right.
" Yeah, that's the problem with the news now.
I feel like the news pins us all against each other.
There's a lot of tension, you know? It sucks.
The news makes it seem like all white people are scared of minorities.
I don't feel like white people are scared of minorities.
White people are scared of looking racist.
That's really the big fear.
If I'm walking down the street at 4:00 in the morning, I see a sketchy-looking white guy coming towards me, I'm like, "Shit, I'm gonna cross the street.
" If I'm walking down the street at 4:00 in the morning, I see a sketchy-looking black guy coming towards me, I'm like, "Shit, I wish I could cross the street.
" Jesus Christ, you know? I'd rather get stabbed than look like an asshole, you know? All right, thanks a lot.
I'm Mark Normand.
- You guys are great.
- ( audience applauding ) (inaudible) Keep it going for Mark Normand! ( audience cheering ) That was so good.
I know, he killed it.
He killed.
Oh, you guys having a good time? ( audience cheering ) We are, too.
You guys are such a good crowd tonight.
So we're gonna bring out our next act, and we're very excited to have him on this show.
He is a friend of the podcast "2 Dope Queens.
" He's been in shows like "Grace & Frankie.
" He has an awesome documentary called "Fatherless.
" He does a live show at UCB LA called "New Negroes.
" He's got stand-up specials.
And he just became new dad! ( audience applauding ) Both: Please give it up for Baron Vaughn! ( audience cheering ) Yas! Love the way you did that.
You know it, you know it.
Hey.
I love you so much.
Yeah, definitely, definitely.
A round of applause for the 2 Dope Queens, everybody.
Jessica and Phoebe, Phoebe and Jessica.
Staying positive.
How you guys doing? You staying positive? Me too, I'm staying positive thanks to the help of ( sing-song ) therapy.
I highly recommend it.
I recommend therapy because I recommend doing things they said that black people didn't do when I was in middle school.
Therapy, love it.
Eating blueberries, delicious.
Skiing, don't think so.
I can't trust a sport that wants me to be at the top of the mountain to start.
That's its own sport, I'll be down here.
Yeah, staying positive, turning negatives into positives.
That's what I'm doing, turning negatives into positives.
And I pulled it off the other day.
I had the stomach flu: negative.
But if you call it "bowel jazz.
" Instant positive, right? Sounds fun.
At least a good conversation with your boss.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Mr.
Boss Man, can't come in today, baby.
I got a touch of that bowel jazz.
Can you dig it? When your butt starts to improvise.
Can't keep anything down, out both ends.
( vocalizing ) I don't know when it will stop.
( scatting ) I gotta go, I feel a song coming on, and I think this trumpet solo's gonna be bananasliterally.
" All right.
I'm a fan of music, so fan of different kinds of musics.
I love gospel music.
Gospel music is one of my favorite musics, yes, indeed.
Because I was raised Southern Baptist, which is why I believe in nothing now, but I still love gospel music.
First music I ever heard.
And I was thinking about a hymn I used to love the other day.
It goes like this.
( clears throat ) He rose, He rose He rose from the grave And it popped into my head 'cause I just realized that the lyrics are, "Herose.
from the grave.
" And I was like, "Oh, right.
He rose from the grave.
" Totally different than what I thought it was which was "Heroes," one word from the grave.
" "Heroes from the grave.
" That's why it was my favorite hymn.
I was like, "Yeah, Jesus had powers, right? That's right, he's a superhero.
" 'Cause I was a kid.
I'm like, "Yeah, heroes from the grave.
That's right.
He is a superhero.
That's why we're singing this hymn which is also a perfect subtitle for the Bible.
" Seriously, that's a great subtitle for the Bible.
You slap that on the cover, "Holy Bible: Heroes from the Grave.
" You might move some units.
Just in case you had a stack of Bibles, you're like, "How am I gonna move these?" Also, Jesus did have powers.
That's not new information.
My favorite superpower of Jesus Christ is the power of being an ancient Middle Eastern Jew that everyone thinks was white.
What a miracle to make that leap.
Ancient Middle Eastern Jew, early '90s Brad Pitt.
Duh! Ripped and blonde.
It's appropriate to worship this, right? No.
That's not what Jesus looked like, actually.
Nobody knows what Jesus looked like, especially not this British documentary I watched.
It was called, ( British accent ) "What Jesus Might Have Actually Looked Like.
" They did not know but they made a three-and-a-half-hour-long documentary, and I watched it 'cause I like fancy nonsense.
( British accent ) "He's been called many things, "The Son of God," "King of Kings," and, if you're in a hurry, "Jesus.
" But what did he look like? No one knows, neither do we, but we've still been given a fat time slot.
" And I watched the whole thing, because nonsense is my favorite genre of documentary, because they throw so much shit at you, they cannot tie it together in the end.
All that information goes off the rails, and that's when it becomes a true work of art-- This one didn't disappoint.
( British accent ) "What we're gonna do right now is incredible.
" Oh, wow, okay.
Go on.
( British accent ) "This is David.
David is a forensics expert.
He reconstructs the faces of cold-case murder victims, that way the victims may become identified, and the crimes may become solved.
" And I'm just like, "Okay go on.
" ( British accent ) "To my right, three different ancient human skulls.
They carbon-date to the times in which Jesus lived.
They are also from the very areas Jesus traversed.
" And I'm just like, "Go on.
" ( British accent ) "And now David is going to reconstruct the face of one of these ancient skulls, and we will have an image.
The closest ever image of what Jesus might have actually looked like.
" And I'm just like, "Wow, you know, I was thinking of taking up yoga, but this is a stretch.
I could just stay home and get the same burn.
" And then they did, because that's not how you find that information out.
Just so you know, you can't just take three random skulls about his age from his neighborhood, put that together, and think that that's real information.
But they did it.
They were just kinda like, "All right.
" And they reconstructed one of clay, which I thought was an extra piece of poetry.
Digital scan it, then it was like a profile that turned to the screen over '80s synth music from a middle school science video.
Just( vocalizes ) "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
" Did not look like Brad Pitt.
That is not the face I saw.
The only person I can think of that any of you may have ever heard of that looked like Jesus is Mr.
T, and that's not a joke.
That's the only face I saw, especially because both he and Jesus, "Pitied the fools.
" Yeah, three random faces.
You can't do that.
You can't just in a thousand years be like, ( British accent ) "These three random skulls from Brooklyn will finally reveal what Jay-Z might have actually looked like.
Join us when we return on "Searching for J-Hova BBC.
" All right, that's it for me, everybody.
Thank you very much.
Back to the 2 Dope Queens.
( audience cheering ) - No, I can't do it.
- Okay.
- ( inaudible ) - That's okay.
Keep it going for Baron Vaughn, everybody.
( audience cheering ) Keep it going for everybody you saw tonight! Both: We are 2 Dope Queens! ( audience cheering ) Phoebe: Thank you guys so much for coming out.
You are an amazing audience.
Hit the music, we're danci'' this motherfucka out! - ( music plays ) - Ooh! Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm just a girl Like, patriarchy is a real thing.
I just wanna say that my feminism will be intersectional, or it will be bullshit.
Absolutely, girl.
Claim our bodies and claim our rights.
It's about boundaries, bro.
It's my choice.
Yeah, I'm just a girl without a bro Who like to get in my zone I'm just a girl who like to roll a blunt And smoke it alone I'm just a girl who actin' bitchy 'Cause I'm still on my cycle I'm just a girl who wanna have my cake And eat on arrival I'm just a-whoa, tired of niggas and bros Telling sisters where she need to go You like it slow, yeah, you want it dirty, I know Turn around and you call me a ho Outta my show I free da nipple and tickle them Then I proceeded to glow therefore de-stressin' Oh no, who I wanna and then I'mma kick in the do' You already know Oh you ain't know? That's babygirl Still run away, that's babygirl Every want lil' babygirl But most of y'all can't handle babygirl Who dat there? That's babygirl Make her own money, that's babygirl Still getting' paid, still still runaway Ain't ain't nobody like that babygirl Yeah, I'm just a girl Yeah, I'm just a girl Yeah, I'm just a girl who likes to pull a flip My chicken and dip I'm just a girl who got the boss what That could still make a hit I'm just a girl who keep it poppin' In Armani or Tommy I'm just a girl who like a girl Who like my meez on my nonny I'm just a, 'ey, I up da system I disturb the peace, 'ey, back all my egg Can't cop a feelin', he feelin' away He want it bad, though He masculinity fragile I don't do drugs, but I dabble Look at you, look at you, lost in the sauce No, I ain't bossy, I just be the boss Oh you ain't know? That's babygirl Still run away, that's babygirl Every want lil' babygirl But most of y'all can't handle babygirl Who dat there? That's babygirl Make her own money, that's babygirl Still gettin' paid, still still runaway Ain't ain't nobody like that babygirl Yeah, I'm just a girl Yeah, I'm just a girl (AUDIENCE CHEERING) The first night was really cool.
Everyone was excited.
It was very interactive.
BOTH: Yas! It was just wall-to-wall laughs.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING) -Fashion was on fleek.
-(CAMERA CLICKING) (LAUGHING) PHOEBE ROBINSON: Jon Stewart was fun.
I was surprised at how bougie he was with the pizza.
Generally, pizza is served warm.
(LAUGHING) Next show's gonna be great.
We got more celebs, we got more stand-up.
JESSICA WILLIAMS: I also have a white bae and I love when he greases my hair Mm-hmm.
because it does feel a little bit like reparations.
-Yeah.
-Each time his finger goes back it's like, "Ooh, are you picking the cotton now, or me?" (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Elevate, elevate Elevate, elevate I'ma get lifted Sippin' Malibu See you there.
-Bye! -Bye que bye.
Elevate, elevate Elevate, elevate I'ma get lifted tonight