30 Rock s02e06 Episode Script

Somebody to Love

are you makin' waffles? No,quiet.
Somebody is,and the maple syrup smells delicious.
jack russell terrier? no,I can't get a dog.
- you should.
A dog'll change your life.
Hey,I just wanted to make sure you're practicing your rerun dance for the what's happening sketch.
I'm trying,liz lemon,but I can't concentrate.
Somebody on my block is making waffles,and it's makin' me horny! Wait,you smell maple syrup too? You live all the way in jersey.
That's weird.
Hold on.
Hello? Do you smell maple syrup? - Yes! Don't panic,lemon.
It's probably not a chemical attack.
What do you mean "probably"? It's probably just a strange wind pattern coming off those factories in staten island, where food flavors are made.
I don't think it's northrax.
What's northrax? It's a chemical agent we sold to the saudis in the 1980s.
It smells exactly like maple syrup.
But I don't think this is it.
Well,how do you know? Because northrax kills you within ten seconds.
Okay,I'll talk to you tomorrow.
proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ Rock Season02 Episode06 Make me look like this.
Right,like that's a stretch.
Hey,jack,thanks for that call last night.
I get really nut burgers over this homeland security stuff.
Always check with me first,lemon.
I have nsa connections.
- Good.
Didn't you just get a haircut two days ago? I get my haircut every two days.
After all,your hair is your head suit.
I'm going to a party tonight honoring robert novak.
It's being thrown by john mccain and john bauer.
Um,I don't think he's real.
Oh,I assure you,lemon,john mccain is very real.
I have to look perfect.
When it comes to hair,no one is more bitchy than conservative males.
Good lord,donaghy.
Did you comb your hair with a chicken bone? They can be brutal.
Well,have fun.
Don't get peer pressured into invading iran.
Oh,uh,before you go,I'd like you to put this on.
Sheinhardt wig company? What's this? A way to show support for our parent company, which is having a little p.
R.
Hiccup right now.
NOT POISONING RIVERS SINCE 1997 All right.
Thanks.
Picked up your tuxedo from the cleaners,mr.
Donaghy.
Just like you asked.
Thank you,kenneth.
Let me just take this plastic off.
'Cause I saw on martha stewart how we're all doing everything wrong.
Where are the pants? Sweet peaches! What have I done? Somewhere along the way,they must have slipped out the bottom.
It's all right,kenneth.
These things happen.
Uncle butch was right.
I'm just a stupid country bumpkin with great skin and soft hands.
I'll just have jonathan bring over another pair.
No,sir.
This is my mistake.
I will replace your pants.
They cost $2,500.
I will find your pants! All right! My prescription shampoo! who is it? Hi,I have your mail.
I live across the hall.
H- hi,I didn't even realize anyone had moved in over here.
Welcome.
I'Mliz.
What's your name? Raheem.
Raheem.
That's- that's my mother's name.
No,it- no,I'm just kidding.
Give me my package,please.
- okay.
Well,it was nice to meet coming up next,candace van der shark,a lifetime intimate portrait.
Have you met the guy across the hall? Raheem? Yeah,he's a good egg.
He's weird.
He wouldn't shake my hand.
And I think it's because i'm a woman.
And get this-he's got maps all over his walls.
Maps.
- Maps? You mean like that one? That's different,that's- that's an antique.
And I'm a white lady.
What are you saying there,liz? Pete,you know me.
I never make assumptions about race.
Remember,I asked that black guy if he had seen sideways? But this guy I don't like him.
You're being paranoid.
Raheem is a really nice guy.
And he's always helping.
He rewired the toaster oven,and he showed me a back way to the airport.
Listen to yourself,pete.
I don't want to sound racist,but that pita pocket might be a terrorist.
That sound racist? this rich chestnut color is natural? Excuse me.
Whiskey,straight up.
I'll have a white rum with diet ginger ale and a splash of lime.
Wow,I never would have pegged you for a university of tennessee sorority girl.
Well,you've got to pace yourself with these things.
We go all night.
- That's good advice.
Unfortunately,I promised bill frist the next slow dance.
I'm C.
C.
- Jack.
Nice haircut.
Sir,here's your nancy drew.
For men,it's called a hardy boy.
Hey,kk,how's it hangin'? Very low,sir.
Very low.
I lost something real important.
You know what I do when I lose something? I yell real loud until I find it.
So what is it that you lost? - Pants.
Pants!Pants!Pants!Pants!Pants!Pants! How 'bout the sean johns? Were you chafing again,tray? I don't think that's gonna help me find mr.
Donaghy's pants.
Well,did you retrace your steps? Or go back to the drycleaners? Yes,obvious twins.
And I tried looking in the last place you'd ever expect.
And,no,mr.
Donaghy's pants are not in the ladies' room at that laser tag place on 12th avenue.
It's no use.
I'm just gonna have to replace 'em.
But where am i ever gonna get $2,500? Well,why don't you just do like I do and sell your autograph at the car show? * What the worid needs now is love * * sweet love it's the only thing that * * there's just too little of * * what the worid needs now * What the what? IF YOU SEE SOMETHING,SAY SOMETHING IF YOU SUSPECT ANYTHING,DO EVERYTHING WE DON'T POISON THE WORLD.
TERRORISTS DO.
Thank you for an incredible night.
Really? Did you have a good time? 'Cause I really did.
Unbelievably good.
And thank you for letting me try the thing I tried.
I'M sorry I dropped you.
Oh,no,it was great.
I mean,who knew that ottoman had wheels,right? Well,I gotta get to work.
Uh,when can i see you again? Anytime.
You name it.
congressman cunningham,it is a pleasure to have you on our program.
Hi,dan.
Thank you for having me.
Celeste cunningham.
C.
C.
You didn't tell me you're a congresswoman! I just ended my first year.
but also on some of your constituents.
"D"? Vermont? Big business is out to get us again.
The sheinhardt wig company has dumped thousands of gallons of auburn fantasy dye #260 into the chickotagua river, turning the children of chickotagua orange.
And I will not rest until this company and all of its subsidiaries are held financially responsible! Why do you have this? I run a sheinhardt wig subsidiary called nbc.
Oh,my god.
You're jack donaghy? What were you even doing at that party last night? Oh,my god.
This was a mistake.
Forget about what I said.
I can never be seen with you again.
You're right.
We have to pretend that this never happened.
Yeah,I have to get out of here.
Damn it,the worst part is I really liked you a lot.
I gave her the ottoman,and she walked out.
Sir,I typed up that letter.
Hey,uh what do you need,lemon? Nothing,I just,uh it can wait.
Lemon,there's nothing you could say to me that you can't say in front of jonathan.
I think my middle eastern neighbor is a terrorist,and I don't know what to do.
That's ridiculous,lemon.
Some of our greatest patriots have been of middle eastern descent.
And I'm appalled to hear you engage in racial profiling like that.
I'm kidding.
Be an american-call it in.
This is the number of a friend of mine in a very high-level position at homeland security.
Oh,no,not- now I don't know.
Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
If a bleeding heart liberal like you has any suspicions I know,right? Nice ring tone,jack.
That's not my ring tone.
I hate that san francisco sound.
How am I calling myself? This isn't even my phone.
Jack? - C.
C.
? I think I have your phone.
Yeah,you must have grabbed it by accident.
After our night of doing it.
Take the freight elevator to the sixth floor,and I'll be right down.
are you all right? Well,last night I never mind.
These verizon wireless phones are just so popular.
I accidentally grabbed one belonging to an acquaintance.
Well,sure,'cause that verizon wireless service is just unbeatable.
I mean,if I saw a phone like that on tv, I would be like,"where is my nearest retailer so I canget one?" Can we have our money now? Come on big money.
This ketchup expired two years ago.
Dude,how much would I have to pay you to eat this whole bottle? Honestly? I got all the way to harlem when I heard wagner coming from my phone.
Harlem? I'm working out of the clinton offices for a few weeks.
I'm helping hillary retool her universal health care platform.
God,I wanna kiss you on the mouth to stop you from saying such ridiculous things.
Here's your phone.
Obviously,we can never be seen together again.
Obviously-I'm up for the chairmanship,and I don't wanna risk that.
They give you a helicopter,you know.
What about me? How can I look those little orange children in the eye? They have no other documented health problems,you know.
They're orange! This is why I got into politics- to stop big companies from hurting the little guy.
What happened to you that made you this way? In 1998,I got shot in the face by my neighbor's dog.
Oh,C.
C.
,I'm so- wait,what? My neighbor had a riverton hunting rifle with a faulty trigger safety.
One day,his jack russell terrier started chewing the area, the gun went off,and shot me in the face.
No.
A terrier? So I did what was right: I sued riverton,my neighbor,and the dog.
C.
C.
,I'm so sorry.
Well,don't be.
After six reconstructive surgeries, I'm much better-looking now than I used to be.
Plus,they made a lifetime movie about me.
tonight on lifetime,candace van der shark stars as celeste cunningham A dog took my face and gave me a better face to change the worid: The celeste cunningham story You know,I thought you made love like an ugly girl.
So present,so grateful.
Who's that? Nobody.
Don't lie to me,jack.
I've had plenty of women mad at me the morning after.
Just don't let her light your sneakers on fire in the bathtub.
Oh,she would never do that,tracy.
She's a very special woman.
So then what's the problem? Well,we're just on opposite sides of a feud.
Oh,I get it: Romeo and juliet.
Capulets and romulans.
Mm-hmm,I've been there.
I'm black,she's white.
I'm black,she's light-skinned black.
I'm black,she's 17.
Hey,listen,if she's your soul mate,you go for it.
Tracy,I don't believe in soul mates.
I worked too hard to get where I am to sacrifice it for some woman.
I don't care if she is beautiful,brilliant, and she does it like her dad's a minister.
Sir,that was impressive! My feet are puffed up real bad.
Dude,let us give you the rest of the money for donaghy's pants.
No,mr.
Rossitano.
We parcells are neither wealthy nor circumcised,but we are proud.
I have to earn that money.
All right,I got a job for you.
Every night after dinner,lutz falls asleep on the couch in our office.
Can I help you? Pete!Pete! Pete! Raheem! Ready to go? You guys are going out? - Yeah.
My buddy,raheem,invited me out with him to celebrate.
He just completed some big project he's been working on.
Soon everyone will know the name raheem haddad.
Hi,I'm not sure,but- who is he,and where can we find him? Hey,C.
C.
We're having a barbecue tonight.
You're welcome to come.
Thanks.
Maybe I will.
Get the gun away from the dog.
Hey,hon,have you seen my hunting rifle? Last time I saw it the dog had it.
What is wrong with you people? I'm going to get into politics! Got him! Ape attack! Ape attack.
Smarts! Are you okay? Okay,that went too far.
I still need $700.
What's next? You know that old lady in accounting who thinks you're her husband who died in the war? What about her? I do believe in destiny.
And I know that i should hate you,but I can'T.
I love you.
And I don't care what people say.
We were meant to be in each other's lives.
You're right,C.
C.
Some dudes took raheem last night.
sounds like an american hero saw something and said something.
Elizabeth lemon,I can't believe you did that.
Raheem is a good guy! You seem to be defending raheem an awful lot.
I'd hate to have to make another phone call.
No,we're cool.
Uh,I renounce raheem.
Raheem's a bad guy.
Usa number one! Tracy,I need your help.
I've gotta go somewhere,and I can't be seen,and cabs don't go there.
Sure,where is it? Clinton's office in harlem.
I know where that building is.
I get my jamaican meat pies there.
Finally,my scalp rx.
I know you are in the media.
Please get this in the right hands.
Raheem Oh,my god.
I am raheem haddad.
And this is my brother hakim.
And these are the reasons you should choose us to be the next contestants on the amazing race! Amazing what? THE AMAZING RACE**** We love to travel.
Look at all the places we have been: Toronto,munich,london,the hoover dam,the cleve.
Oh,boy.
we are in good shape for the road blocks and detours.
Come on,go! Oh,no,oh,no.
we love america! Oh,no.
Oh,no.
jonathan I purchased a replacement pair of mr.
Donaghy's pants.
You must love him as much as I do.
C.
C.
,Look out the window onto 125th street.
You shouldn't be here.
I know I shouldn'T.
I can't help myself.
I wanna be with you! Tell her you want your privates and her privates to do a high-five.
Okay,tray,I got this.
Jack,we hardly know each other.
This could be career suicide for both of us,and you know it! I don't care anymore.
I saw your movie- what you said to that dog about soul mates.
I think I might be the dog.
Tell her her butt look like a apple and you wanna take a bite.
Buzz me in,okay? Tell her she got some tig ol' biddies like the dallas cowboy cheerleaders.
Tell her you want her to donate her body to science,and you science.
Tell her,jack! I've been going crazy these last few days,thinking about our night together.
How you wanted to brush my hair as foreplay.
How you made me that western omelet at 4:00 A.
M.
I never met anyone like you,jack.
Be with me,C.
C.
We'll ignore our differences till the sex goes bad,then we'll walk away bitter and angry.
Nobody can know we're together.
Not even your friend tracy jordan out there.
I don't think you have to worry about tracy.
Stop eatin' people's old french fries,pigeon.
Have some self-respect.
Don't you know you can fly? I don'T I've never had a secret affair before.
What do you say we go find a spot and defile this place? Raheem.
Hey,buddy! Where ya been all week? They put electrodes on my testicles,liz.
Who did? Oh,you remembered my name.
America's government shocked my nuts.
No,I'm pretty sure they're not allowed to do that type of thing.
They say,"raheemwhy you no shake hands?" I say,"because I don't want sickness before amazing race.
" They say,"raheem,why all the trips to the airport?" I say,"because I'm practicing for the amazing race!" And then,"zzt!Zzt!" In my underpanties! Do you have any idea who turned you in? No but I am just so angry now.
I have so much anger inside.
I want to do something spectacular with it.
Northrax.
Hey! I made waffles.
thank god.
- Yeah.