30 Rock s02e07 Episode Script

Cougars

Liz, Lutz and I are gonna walk around Times Square and pretend to be foreign.
I am from Homburg, yah.
Wanna come? Oh, I can't.
My cousin is in town.
All right.
See ya though.
Liz, I'm getting drinks with recently-divorced camera guy.
You in? Legally separated sound guy's gonna be there.
I-I don't feel well.
Okay.
Hey, Liz Lemon.
I'm going to an animals-only strip club.
Interested? Does that meane animals strip, or the animals are the customers? Animal customers? That's ridicous.
Well, um, I have got a date.
So I yeah.
Order, please.
- Hi, order for pick-up.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yes, I would like a meatball sub with extra bread.
- And my name is-- - Liz? Yeah, that's me.
Okay.
Big night, Lemon? Let me guess.
Meatball sub, extra bread.
Bottle of NyQuil.
TiVo top chef.
A little Miss Bonnie Raitt.
Lights out.
No, I have something to do tonight, Jack.
Then you won't mind when I tell you that, uh Casey gets voted off tonight.
You monster! Why are you like this? sync:ßÇÈâÈâ corrected Sir, Tracy's here with a bunch of kids.
He wants to know if you have a minute to meet with them? Absolutely not.
J.
D.
! There he is.
I want you to meet the baseball team I'm coaching.
A group of fine young men and one special lady.
Dijonaise is a boy's name? Pardon me.
Tracy, this is wonderful.
I had no idea you were interested in baseball.
I wasn't.
My motorcycle hit a police horse.
This is community service.
These kids come from Knuckle Beach, the worst neighborhood in New York.
They are poor as hell.
Baseball is a wonderful sport, boys.
I remember when my high school team won the Boston city championship.
Everyone told us we were gonna lose, because our team was all white, and the other team was completely-- anyway, we won, and I learned that anything is possible.
Baseball taught me how to win.
Baseball taught me how to dream.
What are your dreams? When I grow up, I'm gonna do vending machine maintenance.
I'm gonna get shot by a cop and sue the city.
I'm a be a talkative doorman with a drinking problem.
That's right.
You shoot for the stars.
No, no, no, no, no.
These are not the dreams of winners.
These aren't winners.
They're 0 and 17.
Damn, we supposed to be at the game right now.
That one's on coach Tracy.
Someday I'll have an office like this to clean.
You could have an office like this of your very own.
All you need is someone to point you in the right direction.
A role model.
Like R.
Kelly and Michael Vick.
Faves.
- Thanks.
- There you go.
Uh, grandy? Oh, my God.
Who ordered the veal? Am I right, guys? Ugh, Jenna, that guy is a baby.
- Uh, Lutz? - I'm Lutz.
You ordered a Venti chocolate mocha blast with half and half and brownie chunks? Thank you.
Jamie.
I like your blond streaks.
It's very Simon LeBon.
Who? Oh, you're young.
Give it up, Jenna.
You're talking to an ultrasound.
Now I'm getting attitude from the sexy librarian over here.
What? Sexy? You are.
Shut up.
Wow, that guy is adorable.
Frank's gay.
Maybe I am gay for that little peach.
You wanna kiss him? I do.
I wanna kiss him on the mouth.
And hold him.
What are you talking about? Something just happened, Liz.
Come on, you read Boobs magazine.
I want Jamie.
Yeah, you're gay.
He's totally gay for-- Why isn't this any fun? come on! Gather 'round!Circle up! Everybody, circle up! All right, circle up.
Circle up.
Around me! Around me! All right, isten, that's enough.
There's a weird dude standing over there.
And I don't wanna get shot today, so great hustle, great practice.
Okay, the weird dude is gone.
Go home.
Hey, you guys! It's that king we met.
Good afternoon, boys.
I've been thinking a lot about you, and I decided that I wanna help.
Starting with some new uniforms.
Compliments of the Sheinhardt wig company.
You wanna be a bunch of winners? You've gotta dress for success.
That's why I sponsor a charity that gives away tuxedos to homeless people.
It was a beautiful ceremony.
Mazel tov.
That's right.
Put them on.
You don't get these kids, Jack.
They don't care about winning.
They just wanna be able to go outside for once.
You know, our first practice they asked me what the sun was? Hey, Jamie! Did you just come from working out, or are you naturally veiny? Pull it together, Frank.
All right.
Okay.
Good to see you, man! Thanks.
So I don't want to interrupt or anything, But, um, are you doing anything saturday night? Just gellin' like Magellan.
Okay, well.
Uh, my friend's DJing at this gallery opening, and, um, he can get us in if you wanna go.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.
Jamie, how old do you think I am? I don't know.
Uh, 29? Wow, you are good at guessing ages.
I am exactly 29, but you're a baby.
No, I'm not.
I'm 25.
- Really? - Yeah.
I thought you were younger.
And I'm 29, so so you'll go? Awesome.
Dude.
I totally forgot.
I bought you a sweater.
It's slim fitting.
They call it a French cut.
And it wasn't on sale or anything.
Woe, thanks.
Do you need help trying it on? No.
So I'll pick you up around 10:00? At night? Okay.
That sounds great.
Great.
Where are we going? Frank.
- Stop it.
- I can't.
I'm gay for Jamie.
No, that's not a thing.
You can't be gay for just one person, unless you're a lady, and you meet Ellen.
Well then, I got some real thinking to do.
It's scary.
But also exciting.
I can't believe I did that.
I told myself I would never lie about my age.
These things happen, Liz.
I had my "No sex with Asians" rule, but then one day you walk into Sharper Image, and there's Quan.
Forget it.
I'm gonna order some more coffee, and then he'll come back, and I can cancel.
No, this is a good thing.
A hot guy thinks you're 29.
He is cute.
He looks like Zac Efron.
That's a thing, right? Oh, go for it, Liz.
I always roll with it when hot guys think I'm 22.
What can we do? We're cougars.
- We're what? - Cougars.
Hot older ladies pouncing on their young prey.
There was a whole article about it in Vanity Fair.
The one with the Crisis In Africa cover.
God, it makes me so sad that more people don't know about cougars.
Why am I looking for something to wear in wardrobe? Why don't you go to Abercrombie and Fitch? Oh, no.
It's too loud in there.
No, don't say that.
Cougars have to act young.
You should get a ring pop to suck on.
What are you doing? Figuring some stuff out.
Sorry, Jenna, I'm probably gay now.
It's never gonna happen between us.
You wanted to see me? Hello, coach.
I thought we'd have a little meeting before today's practice.
Practice? Meetings? What is this? A marriage? Phil Jackson likes to give books to his players to inspire them, so which biography of Winston Churchill do you think would improve Rashid's bunting? Jack, have you ever been to Knuckle Beach? It's a totally different world.
A world where orange soda's an acceptable substitute for breast milk.
Tracy, I don't have to understand their world in order to help them.
It's like this great country of ours.
We can go into any nation, impose our values, and make things better.
It's what Bush is doing all over the globe.
Bush! Now, I don't wanna go off on a rant here.
So I suppose the next step would be to bring our superior resources to bear.
Kenneth, show him the drawing of the new field.
Sorry.
This is my dream journal.
They've all come true so far.
FUN TIMES ACCOMPLISHED What the heck is going on out here? You didn't get behind grounders.
You didn't work the pitch count.
There was nothing Churchillian about that performance.
And where are their uniforms? You can't wear blue in Knuckle Beach, which is hard because jeans go with everything.
Tracy, your failure of leadership is unacceptable.
Now you gonna blame this on me? I told you this was gonna happen.
Extly.
I need somebody who believes in what we're doing here.
Tracy, you're fired.
Kenneth, you're in charge.
So you like the music? Yeah, speaking of music I like, how about Gnarls Barkley, huh? That guy's great.
Have you been to his official website? It's really-- Oh God, is it only 1:00 am? Yeah, so after this I figure we hit up Marquee.
They only serve drinks till 4:00, but I can get us into this great after-hours club in Brooklyn.
- I'm 37.
- What? I'm 37.
Please don't make me go to Brooklyn.
I'm 20.
Oh, boy.
This just went from a senior dating a freshman to Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau.
Are those friends of yours? Or Oh, when will death come? Lemon, what happened, did you take an Ambien with your Franzia and sleepwalk here? No, I am out on a date.
I know you.
You deliver my coffee.
You're here with Lemon? Yes, sir.
I'm Jamie, Mr.
Donaghy.
Oh, what a polite young man.
Ooh, they just changed bartenders.
I'm gonna go see if this guy'll serve me.
Where did you two meet, an amber alert? I just found out that he's I knew I shouldn't have done this.
I look ridiculous.
Oh, nonsense.
You've never looked better.
Do I look ridiculous when you see me with a younger woman? Boy, the art in here is hung really level.
A youthful companion is the ultimate status accessory.
Well, maybe you can pull that off.
You're a man.
It's different for women.
That is so sexist of you.
To that clueless boy over there, you're a very powerful woman.
Technically you're a catch.
You've got money, status, naturally thick hair, a decent set.
All right.
Tell me, have you been on a date since Floyd? No.
Why are you so against having fun in your life? I'm not against fun.
I went up on my roof the other day.
Stop fighting this.
He's hot, poor, and eager to please.
Just buy him a few gifts and never give him your home phone number.
And if you set a curfew, stick to it.
Oh, gosh.
Okay.
Hey, coach.
How did practice go today? Sir, conditions have deteriorated.
I made DeMarquis captain like you said.
But having a kid from Trinidad in charge made the latinos real mad.
And they all seem to really hate my grandpa.
'Cause they keep yelling, "Kill, whitey.
" And I'm, like,"what do you think you are, alcohol?" All right, Kenneth, calm down.
There was bound to be some unrest once we removed Tracy.
They're testing our resolve.
Stay the course.
Kenneth! Mr.
Jordan.
About what happened-- I don't wanna talk about it, Ken.
You'll hear all I have to say about Jack Donaghy in my tell-all book, betrayal, colon, what really happened with my baseball team, comma, disaster at Knuckle Beach, question mark.
What the hell is going on? It's chaos, sir.
They've turned on each other.
And they won't listen, especially when I'm saying, "Don't hit me with my own shoes.
" I think things may have been better under Mr.
Jordan.
We're not gonna look back now, Kenneth.
Tracy didn't understand what needed to be done.
He had to go.
They're destroying all the things I bought for them.
Everything but the bats, sir.
Oh, god.
They see us.
You kids put those bats down! For the love of God.
Oh, Liz.
Did I see you saturday at Marquee? I was there.
Yes.
So what were you doing there? Is it like that time they found my grandpa at the bus station? No, I was there with Jamie, the coffee guy.
And we had a great time.
Coffee guy? That'll really make your ex-husband jealous.
Cerie, for the last time, I have never been married.
That's the spirit! Hey, Liz.
This is Aidan.
Guess you're not the only cougar in town.
Aidan's a freshman at nyu.
Aren't you, Aidan? Sure.
Do you have any change for a soda? But you just had one.
Whatever.
Don't you whatever me.
Hey, hey, what did I say about you wearing your heelies inside? Aidan! Wait up, Aidan.
There she is.
The cradle robber.
Yeah, that's right.
I have a boy toy, and we look awesome together.
That's great, Maude.
How's Harold? His name is Jamie.
And you know what? I don't spend a lot of time worrying about his feelings.
I just know he's super-cute, and he laughs at all my jokes.
Coffee's here.
Hey there! I had fun the other night.
Your roof is awesome.
Oh, thanks.
I go up there all the time.
So, uh, you wanna get some lunch? Oh, I can't.
I have a lot of work to do.
Okay.
'Cause I already got Randy to cover my shift.
Oh, I'm sorry.
But I bought you a video game.
Bioshock? No way! Hey, chatterbox.
I thought I heard your voice.
How was your weekend? It was great.
Liz and I-- I made you a painting.
It's called one-armed mermaid that's part unicorn with big foot.
Thank you.
Are we still on for tomorrow night? - Yeah, I can't wait.
- No, he can't.
We're working out.
I'll see ya tomorrow night.
Yeah, I'll take it.
Thank you.
Liz, be good to him.
What do you want, Jack? Tracy, I wanna talk to you.
It's hard for me to admit when I've made a mistake so I won't.
Mr.
Jordan, I have made a terrible mistake.
Because of my arrogance, the team is now in chaos.
Pedro and Fontanelle quit because I tried to put them in the outfield.
Of course they did! They're afraid to go north of 245th street.
Next you'll be telling me you let Reshon have contact with his birth mother.
Which Reshon? Jack, I told you, you did not know what you were getting yourself into.
Tracy, I only wanted to help.
And now things are out of control.
We have two options.
One, we can cut and run and betray the people that we made this commitment to, or you and I can form a coalition.
No way, JD.
Tracy, I thought you cared about these kids.
Just because I don't support Jack donaghy, doesn't mean I don't support the kids.
But sir, every one of them wrote you a letter asking you to come back.
Jack.
If I come back to the team, can I throw these things away and not have to read 'em? Tracy, I'll pay somebody to read them for you.
With your know-how and my resources, we can turn these kids into winners.
All right, Jack.
What's the plan? One word: Surge.
That's two words! Jamie Look, Jamie, I can't take this sam and diane thing anymore.
I need to know what we're doing here.
Nothing, Frank.
I'm not gay.
I'm not gay either.
That's why it's perfect.
We're just two straight guys who wanna enjoy each other's bodies.
I gotta go.
Damn, I can't believe we're winning.
I knew the surge would work.
Way to go, Manuel! That one goes out to W.
S.
Churchill.
Hey, there's no way that those batters were born after 1993.
These dominican birth certificates say otherwise.
Esteban! You're up.
This is just embarrassing.
You look nice.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, I got you that leather bracelet that you were looking at.
Oh, that's so ill.
Thank you.
It is ill.
All right, we should get going because we're gonna be late.
No we won't, baby.
We're takin' a cab.
Really? I've never been in a cab with less than seven people.
Well, stick with me.
I will.
Look at us.
We look awesome together.
Yeah, now I know why demi moore does this.
I get that reference.
All right, mom.
I'm takin' off.
Mom? Yeah, I'm 20.
I can't afford this place.
All right, honey, have a good time.
I'm beth.
Yep, that's what we look like.
Shut it down.
Oh, hey, Jamie.
That is so awkward now.
Oh, don't worry about it.
You had your fun.
- But the end was humiliating.
- Of course it was.
All may-december relationships end in humiliation, sexual incompatibility, social faux pas, meeting their parents, it's classic.
I'm not sure it's worth it.
Don't be silly.
Jamie was good for you.
A younger companion makes you feel more alive.
Opens you up to new experiences.
Fresh points of view.
Stimulating conversation.
- Stop repeating what I say-- - stop repeating what I say.
- Look, Aidan, I swear to God-- - Look, Aidan, I swear to God.
- You know what? This is over.
- You know what? This is over.
Of course, there are some exceptions.
Thank God I'm off the market.
Oh, are you seeing someone? What? No.
I mean this company is my girlfriend.
She gives me all the loving I'll ever want or need.
That's gross, Jack.
- Stop hitting yourself, Jenna! - Oh, God! Why are you like this? Guys! This isn't working! I'm not gay-gay.
I'm just gay for Jamie.
Frank, I don't think that's a thing.
It is.
Look, you dudes are great, a lot of fun to dance with, and you smell awesome.
Enjoy your night.
Bye, sexy bear! Terence! You make us all look so bad.