3rd Rock from the Sun s01e02 Episode Script

Post Nasal Dick

"The force-carrying particles exchanged between matter particles are said to be virtual particles because, unlike real particles, they cannot be directly detected by a particle detector.
" The people on this planet will swallow anything.
Ooh, finally.
My pictures of "the today show" gang.
Ooh, my favorite-- Martha Stewart.
- Is it autographed? - No, but she signed it.
She looks good enough to eat.
- So, how was school today? - The best ever.
I had my very first make-Out session.
- Good for you.
- It was with Dina, my lab partner.
- Dina, the one with the? - Oh, yeah.
Tell us everything.
I want details.
At first I was conflicted.
We come from very different backgrounds.
I'm an alien, and she's a presbyterian.
I have a highly developed mind, and she's got that big, pouty mouth.
- I tell you, Dick, it was a tough decision.
- What tipped the scales? She let me.
Really? - What happened next? - Well, I don't know what came over me, but they were so big and round and beautiful, - I just had to touch them.
- And then what? She screamed, "ow, my eyes!" And that just - basically killed the mood.
- Damn.
"It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
" I'm not reading if he can't make up his mind in the first sentence.
Thanks for nothing.
What happened? My date for a wedding tomorrow night canceled at the last minute.
His brother came out of the coma.
- A wedding? - Yeah, a big reception.
- A ritual? - Very traditional-- crying, dancing.
And the female devours the male immediately after the ceremony? No.
That's a process that takes years and years.
- Nina, are you married? - No.
Why not? What are you doing wrong? You sound just like my mother.
That must be very confusing for you.
I wish I didn't Rsvp.
I hate going to these things by myself.
I'd love to go to the wedding with you.
Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that at such short notice.
- I don't mind.
- It's a two-hour drive.
- I'll pay for the gas.
- You'd have to wear a suit.
- I'm wearing a suit.
- A nice suit.
I'll get one.
You can pick it out, whatever it takes.
I'll do it! - You're going to make me say this, aren't you? - What? It's not that I don't find you charming in your own way.
It's just that you tend to make a vivid impression on people.
Well, I am the high commander.
That's exactly what I'm talking about.
I promise you I'll be on my best behavior.
- You won't bring any of your family? - Just me.
You can come.
Excellent! My first wedding! I can't wait! Oh, and be sure to wear something that shows the crack in your breasts.
I don't know what the school nurse is talking about.
I don't see any bug.
I know.
She said I probably got it from Dina, but I don't get how unless the bug swam in with the saliva.
- This is interesting.
My throat tickles.
- Mine, too.
You know, I tried using a stick to scratch it, but that just brought up a whole new set of problems.
Okay, Sally, this shirt, this tie, these socks? - Or this shirt, this tie, these socks? - Stop.
What's wrong with you? I'm sorry, but Mary's counting on me.
I want to look my best for the wedding.
- What is it with you and that blonde? - Nothing.
This is strictly research.
But to describe her as blonde is inaccurate.
Her hair is more like honey with flaxen highlights and just a whisper of gold dancing playfully about the halo that surrounds her.
So she's not blonde.
I'm sorry.
I guess I just haven't seen her through your love goggles.
I don't love her-- this is a perfect opportunity to observe a wedding firsthand.
- There's a lot we don't understand.
- Like what? Well, it's really a very fascinating ritual.
The ceremony begins with the bride being given away.
Excuse me.
Given away, like an object? As in "free girl with every large fries"? Wait.
There's free girls? Can I go? Fries? Can I go? No I'm afraid not.
Albright has already RSVP'd.
You said you'd stop spelling in front of me.
Wow! - What was that? - I don't know, but I want another one.
Oh! Ooh! Was it as good for you as it was for me? - Good morning, Dr.
Good morning.
I seem to be having a little trouble swallowing.
Do you happen to know if there's an alternate stomach access? - Are you sick? - Yes, and the novelty is starting to wear off.
You're sick and you're breathing my air.
Which air is yours? - I'll get you some tea.
- What's this? This is brilliant! You're sick.
You should be home in bed.
This is my first date with Dr.
Solomon, I'm sure she'll understand.
Nina, please.
This is very important to me.
Promise me you won't let Dr.
Albright know that I'm sick.
She won't hear it from me.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Dr.
I'm fine, thanks.
I'm looking forward to tonight.
- Aren't you? - Absolutely.
It'll be fun.
Why don't you pick me up around 7:00-ish? Better make it 6:30.
You might have trouble parking.
You might, but I'm very good at it.
Oh, I'm late for class.
- See you tonight.
- Can't wait.
My head is throbbing.
- Me, too.
- Mine's worse.
And my back is aching.
- Me, too.
- Mine's killing me.
My breasts feel like two hot steaming bowls of chili.
She wins.
This is all your fault.
You brought a foreign germ into this house.
Hey, I have as much a right to be here as anybody else.
See you later.
I'm not wearing pants.
I was wondering why the lint brush wasn't working.
Dick, you are obviously too sick to go.
Why don't you just stay home and drip fluids with the rest of us? Nonsense.
I feel perfectly fine.
Dick, I think Sally's right.
You should just stay home.
Now, help me get my pants on.
And don't worry about me.
I've never been defeated by a single-celled organism.
They are stealthy, but they are stupid.
I am the high commander, and I refuse to let this beat me.
Okay, fine.
If you insist on being stubborn, at least take some of this cough syrup.
- I don't need it.
- Dick, you have to.
The lady at the drugstore said if this doesn't work, we have to put a vaporizer in your room.
Oh, no.
- Tastes bad? - No.
I just didn't clear the zipper.
We are gathered together here in the sight of god and in the face of this company to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is an honorable estate, instituted of god, signifying unto us and his church, which holy estate Christ adorned and now, which of those guys is god? - Be quiet.
- Okay, but be sure to introduce me later because I want some answers.
- Shh! Shh! - Shh! Shh-hh! Now, how were those two able to find each other? It was fate.
He's rich.
She wanted money so she could sit on her ass.
I give it a year.
Oh that is so beautiful.
Look at them.
They belong together.
Do you think they have any idea how ugly their children will be? - Shh! - Oh, you shush.
- Shh! - Shh-hh! Oh, this is so moving-- the love, the closeness.
- Hold me.
- Oh, get off! - All: shh! - I don't want to play anymore! Whoo! Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I got another hole here.
Whoo! I made chicken soup.
It's supposed to make us feel better.
Ahh! Sally, you're amazing.
As sick as you are, - you keep taking care of us.
- Yeah, I know.
I don't understand.
All I want to do is curl up into a ball.
Yet, somehow I'm compelled to nurture you.
God, what a cruel disease.
Why did we choose bodies that could decay so easily? I told you we should come here as ducks, but nobody listens to me.
How could Dina do this to me after I was nice enough to spread the word that she was a good frencher? After all the battles I've fought in and all the places I've been, I-- I just can't believe I'm gonna die on a flea-infested little planet in the boondocks of the galaxy in this outfit.
Now I'll never fall in love, never get used, cheated on, tossed aside like an old shoe.
I'm glad I'm dying.
You know, I never told you this, but I always thought you'd make a totally kick-Ass high commander.
I've always admired your eloquence.
What about me? No one can take a blow to the head like you, Harry.
You don't know what that means to me.
I love you guys.
I really wish you hadn't wrestled the maid of honor for that.
I see.
Men and women are completely equal - until something pretty is being given away.
- Keep your voice down.
What was with that little girl throwing away flowers? What the hell was her problem? - It's time to leave.
- Oh, wait.
I haven't given you your gift yet.
It's a toaster.
- Where did you get this? - In the room full of prizes.
I'd like to propose a toast to the bride and groom.
All: hear, hear.
To a lifetime of happiness together.
We give it a year! Mary? Mary, who is this interesting character you're with? Dr.
Richard Solomon from the university.
Well, I didn't think that you could top the personal trainer/playwright, but you always come through.
I'll have you know Dr.
Solomon is a highly respected scholar and educator.
He may be a bit eccentric, but he is a wonderfully exciting man.
I'm sure I'm having a much better time than you are.
I'm proposing a toast.
I think I speak for everyone when I say that the most beautiful, radiant woman in the room is not the bride but Mary Albright! Yes, yes, yes! Hi.
I have a special dish and a special helper today-- Harry Solomon.
Harry is an alien.
I love aliens.
Mmm, and I love your traditional oyster stuffing, - in theory.
- Thank you.
Now, you're not feeling very well, are you, Harry? Oh, Martha, I feel like I'm going to die.
Well, you need a reason to live, and I think I have one-- fall crisp granny smith apple cobbler.
Mmm! A lattice crust.
Now, open wide.
Mmm! See? You're not going to die, and that's a good thing.
Mm-mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Come in.
Martha Stewart says I'm not gonna die.
- Is Tommy home? - What? Oh, hey, Dina.
- Hey, Tommy.
- What are you doing here? - I came by to see how you're feeling.
- I'm feeling better, thanks.
- I'm sorry I gave you the flu.
- Don't worry about it, 'cause anytime you want to give me anything, just let me know, 'cause if I had to do it all over again, I'd do it all over again.
So is there a chance we could do it all over again? We could go to my house.
- Great! Yeah, yeah.
- Who's that? This is Dina.
She's the one that got us sick.
- Destroy the incubator! Thank you so much.
- Are you all right? - I'm fine.
I could stay here all night.
- Not with me.
I'm leaving.
- Very well.
- Wait.
It's 4/4 time with a half-beat hesitation.
- We have to dance.
- No, we don't.
Yo quiero bailar contigo.
What? Allow me to translate using the universal language of dance! Ya! Ya! Ya! Hai-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya! Oh, god, we're good! Oh, my-- oh, my god, you're burning up.
That's right.
I'm burning up for you, baby.
- I'm taking you home and putting you to bed.
- All right! We're having sex tonight! Ahh! Oh, what a lovely place you have.
Lie down.
Oh, not there.
Why didn't you tell me you were sick? - Dr.
Albright? - What? I'm sick.
Do you know how dangerous what you did was? I know, because I think I'm dying.
- Oh, shush.
- No, no, let me talk.
I have to tell you something.
I don't know how much time I have left, so listen closely.
If you wake up in the morning and find a quivering purple mass wearing my watch, don't touch it.
I won't.
Did you drink this entire bottle? - I have to tell you this.
- No, you have to lie down.
I come from a different world.
And this is news? You don't understand.
I'm an alien from another planet.
I'm telling you this because I love you.
Whatever you say.
So much trouble, but you are sweet.
I know.
Good morning, Nina.
You'll be glad to know I'm feeling much better.
I am so happy for you.
I'm going home.
- Why? - Because I'm sick, that's why.
Really? What a coincidence.
You're getting sick just as I'm getting better.
Have a nice day.
Solomon, I see you're feeling better.
- Yes, much.
- Thank you for coming to the wedding with me.
I know you were sick.
It meant a lot to me.
It was my pleasure.
You seem to have more teeth than usual.
You don't remember anything you said to me, do you? Did I say anything I shouldn't have? Actually, you said a lot of things.
Could you be a little more specific? Let's just say you were very revealing.
I was delirious.
I was rambling.
What did I say? You said "I love you.
" Isn't that silly? That was a close one.
I wasn't sure we were gonna make it.
When I thought I was going to die, I told Dr.
Albright that I loved her.
Why did I do that? When you face death, you reassess your priorities.
I've decided not to get those breast implants.
You have to admire these humans.
Their lives are so fragile.
Yet, they're so willing to commit their hearts to one another for a lifetime.
Or an afternoon with some petri dish in a miniskirt.
Hey, at least I'm gettin' some here, all right? Well said.
You don't have to say you love me just be close at hand you don't have to stay forever I will understand.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode