3rd Rock from the Sun s01e03 Episode Script

Dick's First Birthday

It's such a beautiful night.
Harry, why don't you come out and look at the stars with us? Oh, no, you're not putting me out for the night again.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me six times, shame on me.
What are you babbling about now? It's just something I learned from this self-help tape I bought at the yard sale down the block.
Martin Blaine's path to personal transformation: say yes to you.
" This is going to help me solve my confidence problem.
Why do you have a confidence problem? What, are you stupid? Tommy, why aren't you looking at the stars? I have too much studying to do, Dick.
Your homework is taking up way too much of your time.
Tell me about it.
They've changed phys ed to health class, and I have to memorize You have an owner's manual? Well, here's a picture of all the different organs in our abdominal cavity.
- Oh, my god! - Oh, my god! You know, I read someplace that you can stretch a man's nerve endings from new York to San Francisco, but he would die.
Look, here's a section on virginity and abstinence.
I haven't experienced sex yet, so - I guess that makes me a virgin.
- Congratulations.
It feels kind of weird, you know.
I mean, I'm proud of it, but I'm also a little embarrassed.
Is there anything that men have that they're both proud and ashamed of at the same time? - No.
- Drawing a blank.
"Ezekiel Begat Jedidiah.
Jedidiah Begat Ephraim.
Ephraim Begat Lemuel.
" Man, these people Begat their brains out.
- Good morning, Dr.
- Yeah.
- When's your birthday? - My what? I'm updating the office birthday list.
When's your birthday? - Do I have to tell you? - What, are you pleading the fifth? The fifth sounds fine.
This month.
Ah, that's this Monday.
How old will you be? Why do I have to tell you a specific number? Are you keeping score? If you're going to get sensitive, never mind.
I just don't see why age is so important.
I've guess you've got a milestone creeping up on you.
No, that's my underwear.
- Good morning.
- Hello, Dr.
Laurie, Dr.
Laurie ivers.
- Hello.
- Hello.
My, you have a firm handshake.
- Thanks.
- Laurie's visiting the campus for a few days.
You are in really excellent condition.
- Thank you.
I work out a lot.
- I can tell.
It's very firm.
Laurie's studying for her doctorate in anthropology.
She's considering coming here to Pendleton.
Well, you've chosen a very mediocre institution, - and we'd love to have you.
Would you shake my hand again? Um, I suppose.
Nina, why don't you take Laurie to the library to show her the Inca exhibit? Exhibit? It's three coins and a spoon.
Don't spoil it for her, just take her.
It was nice meeting you.
What a coincidence.
It was nice meeting you.
- Will you act your age? - What has my age have to do with it? - Like you didn't know.
- I don't know.
- Well, I do.
- What are we talking about? All I know is that when I was Laurie's age, I did not appreciate having middle-Aged men fawn over me.
You were once her age? Yes, believe it or not.
Very well.
Not it is.
Now, you say Mrs.
Dubcek brought it to us? Uh-huh.
What do you think it wants? What is it trying to tell us? The thing that scares me the most are the little oranges in its stomach.
Man: Hello, I'm Dr.
Martin Blaine.
Come join me on a path to personal transformation.
- Say yes to you.
- Yes.
First of all, you should learn to be comfortable talking about yourself.
When asked your name, you should say it loud and clear.
Let's try this out.
What's your name? That's a great name.
What is your primary goal? Harry Solomon.
Tommy! Sally! Harry, come in here.
What's that? Don't worry.
We've killed it.
- Sit down.
We have to talk.
- Sally: what is it? There's an important detail that we forgot to attend to.
- We need birthdays.
- No, thank you.
This guy I saw at a restaurant had a birthday.
They set his food on fire and then blew on it.
Well, nevertheless, we have to have them and we have to know how old we are.
For some reason, we're expected to act our age, and we don't even know what that is.
How are we supposed to figure it out? We're smart.
We'll guess.
How old would you say I am? I'm going to say 35.
- What's so funny? - It just kind of sounds ridiculous.
- Okay, 39.
- Hello.
- Come on.
- 40? - Honestly.
- 41, 2, 3, 4? Uh 5.
- Yeah! - 45, okay.
broken in.
It's still solid.
Not too old to have sex.
Uh, commander, permission to speak freely? Permission granted.
- Humans over 35 cannot have sex.
- No! Give it up.
It's over.
Well, why? They have the same equipment.
'Cause it's gross, that's why.
- How old are you? - 14.
- Can you have sex? - Well, I'm not supposed to.
- Why not? - Apparently, I have my "whole life ahead of me.
" Dick, can I be 70? - Why? - Well, that Paul Newman guy is 70, and people are always saying that he looks great.
You're 70.
- And? - You look great.
Sally, how old are you? Well whatever the perfect age is, I'm it.
Maybe I got stuck with being a woman, but at least I'm in my prime.
- Check out how firm this is, huh? You know, if I was a guy, I'd be all over me right now.
If I was a guy, I would be, too.
Now that you boys are going through the road to manhood, I'm sure many of you have noticed certain feelings.
- What is it, Solomon? - What kind of feelings? - You know what kind of feelings.
- No, I don't.
You'll know 'em when you get 'em, hmm? Now, they're perfectly normal.
For god's sake, don't act on 'em.
Sorry, you're losing me.
You play sports, you focus on your schoolwork, and when you take a shower, you wash your hair and get the hell out of there.
Oh, you're talking about sex! - Yes.
- Great! Great.
Tell me exactly how it's done.
Well, you're men.
And your male and your female, they have these certain parts that are, uh how do you call, uh? Complementary to each other.
These parts come into play and that's how we all were born.
I'm sorry, but can we get somebody who's actually had sex to teach this class? There.
Thanks for showing me around the campus today.
- You know, you are really a lot of fun.
- I know.
Laurie, I was having a discussion with a young man last night, and he said that someone my age was too old to-- well, just too old.
That is so typical of our culture.
You know, in many ancient societies, like the Incas, age was worshiped and revered.
That's all I'm asking for.
Exactly when does puberty end for a man? Six months after death.
Guys my age are always trying to prove something, not like older men.
They've been there.
They've done it.
It shows.
Like you.
You've really got your head together.
Actually, it came that way.
Well, I'd better get moving.
You are moving.
Everything on this planet is moving.
- You are so clever.
- Oh, no.
- Well, bye, Dr.
- Bye.
- See ya.
- Because you're still looking.
You can breathe now.
Hey, if you could change one thing about me, what would it be? - Nothing.
- Bingo.
Doesn't get any better than this, huh? Check this out.
See how this curves in right here, right? Watch this.
Springs back just like a cat.
Laurie says that men my age should be worshiped and revered, like the Incas.
- Don't you think that's right? - Yes.
The Incas would take a prominent man, like you, and they would anoint him with oils, adorn him with robes, and then the high priest would cut him up and then ram a stick in his head and parade the head through the village, and the young virgins would throw flowers at him.
What kind of flowers? It says here that this is guaranteed to restore your natural luster.
Oh, Dick, you're getting your luster back.
That's wonderful.
How much longer? Oh, two minutes.
Tv Announcer: Welcome back to "The Miss Universe Pageant.
" And now we continue with our Parade of Nations.
Miss Finland.
Well, they only have contestants from earth.
I think this pageant is fixed.
These women should be enormous.
Miss universe should have her own gravitational pull.
I think I'm feeling it.
My primary goal is to meet miss Finland.
I will meet miss Finland.
I deserve to meet miss Finland.
Ooh! Check out the yabos on miss Tunisia.
I deserve those yabos.
These women, they're all vibrant, healthy, strong, young.
They're just like Sally.
You know, I've been thinking about this.
Every time I turn on the Tv or open a magazine, I see people like me.
All the ads are aimed at me.
I am what counts.
I think you're full of something, lieutenant.
No, no, no, no.
If I don't watch a Tv show, it's canceled.
I don't like a soft drink, history.
If I don't like a certain feminine product with wings, they'll make one with a propeller.
I am the target demographic.
Face it, Dick.
I'm young, hot and all-powerful.
You just said yes to you.
- I'm done.
How do I look? Um Dick, um okay, if somebody were helping you with an experiment and things went awry and you became horribly disfigured, - you wouldn't hold it against them, now would you? - Why? What happened? Nothing.
Destroy all the mirrors now! No, no! I've got to see! Oh, my god! I'm gorgeous! Good morning, Nina.
Well! Good morning.
I was going to ask what you did this weekend, but I think it's painfully clear.
By the way, happy birthday.
Oh brace yourself.
Hello-- oh, my god! What's the matter? Nothing.
- Laurie called me last night.
- Really? - What did she say? - What was that? - What? That-- that squeaking.
- I have no idea.
What did Laurie say when you talked to her? She's decided to come here next year.
Oh, isn't that nice? Yes.
Um could you walk over there and get me that pencil? But you have one right on your desk.
I know, but I need that one.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Oh, I got you a birthday card.
"Happy birthday.
You look like a million dollars.
" Oh! "Old and wrinkled.
" What kind of a cruel hoax is this? It's a hallmark card.
A hallmark of degradation! The first line lulled me into a false sense of security, then the second line ripped out my heart and slapped me across the face with it, - awakening me to harsh reality.
- It's an old joke! For an old fool! Well, I want no part of it.
I'm leaving, while I still have my dignity.
Blaine: Congratulations, you have completed your path to personal transformation.
- Say yes to you.
- Yes.
And never forget, when the world gets you down, stay positive.
I'm almost completely sure that I will.
Damn! A wrinkle! I've peaked! The truth is, time measured in years would have no significance at all if a second-rate sun hadn't pulled this planet into the little suck party we call gravity, causing everything on it to wither and die.
Thoughts on that? Bug? It doesn't look dyed to me.
Let me simplify.
If a year is not a year anywhere but earth, what does that make time in the universe? Leon, time is what? Don't think, Leon.
Just answer.
Time is what? - Take a shot.
Go! - Time is relative? My god, Leon, you're right! My head hurts.
Leon, I have a follow-up question.
Sorry, time is up.
Oh, and by the way, you're all - Dr.
- Laurie.
I couldn't leave without saying good-bye.
And I couldn't say good-bye without your leaving.
Oh, you changed your hair.
Finally, someone noticed.
Laurie, car's outside.
- I'll be right there.
- Who's that? That's Doug.
He's my boyfriend.
I thought you only liked older men.
I do.
He's 29.
Solomon, there you are.
Remember we were supposed to meet in your office? Forgive me.
My tired brain forgot, while your youthful synapses stored the information and retrieved them, ssst, like a flash.
Okay, I'll come back.
Leon, let me ask you something.
Let's say that two people of different ages met at a university.
One is older but dashing, the other, youthful and stimulating.
They obviously enjoy each other's company, but the age difference keeps asserting itself.
Do you think that that should make a relationship impossible? Dr.
Solomon, are you coming on to me? Oh! Never mind! Oh, Dick.
Your posture tells me you've got the blues.
Let my positive energy spark you out of your doldrums and into a happier-- - oh, go away.
- I will.
And thanks for listening.
- How're you feeling? - Like a million dollars.
I thought I'd try this again.
Oh, here.
"Happy birthday from Dr.
" You wrote this yourself.
Thank you.
It's just lovely.
You're welcome.
Albright, have I been a perfect ass? Nobody's perfect.
Why do I have to be this age? You're focusing too much on the container.
This body is not you.
- I know that.
- No, you don't.
- Trust me, I do.
- No, I don't think you do.
- If you think-- - No-- shut up.
You're only on this earth a short amount of time.
Well, that was the plan.
Listen, if we're over the hill, we might as well enjoy the ride down.
Thank you for saying "we.
" It just slipped out.
You know, the light of the moon is so magical.
It shows me what you must have looked like so many years ago.
That was almost beautiful.
So, this is your favorite spot.
It's so cheap.
I think gray hair makes you look distinguished.
Thank you.
I think you would look distinguished with gray hair.
No, I don't think so.
Men look distinguished with gray hair.
Women just look old.
When women get breasts, they look sexy.
When men get breasts, they look old.
Good point.
How old are you? - How old are you? - You first.
- No, you first.
- You.
- 42.
- Me, too!
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