8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s12e05 Episode Script
Jason Manford, Joe Wilkinson, Lee Mack, Fay Ripley
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Lee Mack, Jason Manford, Fay Ripley, Joe Wilkinson, Alex Horne and The Horne section, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now, please welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the word "sober" in Estonian means male friend? Sure, when you're sober, he's just a male friend but after you've had seven pints suddenly Igor starts to look pretty sexy.
The edible entrails of an animal are known as umbles, but they're more commonly referred to as nuggets or twizzlers.
And the letters H, I, O and X are the only letters that look the same if you flip them upside down or view them from behind and that's the sort of pointless fact that gives Susie Dent the horn.
Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's special guest team captain, Lee Mac.
- That's me! - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - I can't believe our luck, look at him.
- Thank you, Jimmy.
I'm not saying we're different, Lee, but if we were born in any other century you'd probably have to call me sir.
And Lee's team-mate, Fay Ripley! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Fay is probably most famous for Cold Feet.
Cold Feet was the UK's answer to Friends.
Unfortunately the question was, "What's not good as Friends?" Oh! We're still going.
- You are - Just saying.
- You are still going.
Can I just say, Jimmy for someone, you know I think doing jokes about people doing shows that aren't good as other versions, I mean, you're pushing it with this, aren't you? We're on very thin ice here.
Very thin ice.
Up against them this evening, as special guest team captain, Jason Manford.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Jason studied media and performance at the University of Salford.
He left with a degree of embarrassment, I'd imagine.
It was a good course, that.
Tough as well, Salford, doing drama in Salford.
"Is this a dagger I see before me?" "Yeah, give me us your trainers.
" LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH Even when I see it now on telly, people say, "Oh, that was a brave performance.
" I think, "Brave? You want to study where I studied, mate.
"Brave performance, walking home through Broughton "with legwarmers and a Sunset Boulevard top.
" - Is Broughton a place? - Broughton is a place, yeah.
Is it near here? Yeah.
Yeah, it's in Salford.
LEE: Jimmy, you know that walk from the Mercedes to the front door of this building, occasionally why don't you just glance around like that? APPLAUSE Joining Jason tonight is Joe Wilkinson.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH - They love you.
We love having Joe on the show because he always delivers and what he delivers is the ramblings of a madman who's been living in a park, feasting on magic mushrooms and hand sanitizer.
- I'm not laughing at that.
- No.
I was laughing at something I was just remembering something from the other day.
Jason, you've got Joe Wilkinson on your team, are you feeling confident? - Hello, mate.
- I am! I am.
I thought he'd just come in from the outside to keep warm.
I'm pretty confident.
We had a little chat backstage, didn't we? About whether we were any good, because I am terrible.
- But you - Superb.
What's your favourite letter? God, you can't ask me that, mate.
There's 17 of them.
Joe, if the world was going to end tomorrow, what would you do with your last day? Erm Oh, well, I've got half a tin of oxtail soup in the fridge, that'll need finishing.
Erm I don't know.
I wouldn't go too mad cos I've been caught like that before.
- You thought? - How do you mean? You thought the world was ending? Yeah, cos this fella outside the offy said to me, "Oh, the world's ending.
" So I decided to run around Trafalgar Square with a load of hay up my arse.
And, and then when it didn't end, I just looked like pillock.
- Yeah.
- Do you know what I mean? - Yeah.
- Stan, if you're watching, you're a lying prick, mate.
OK.
Fay, you've got two kids, do they teach you slang words? Well, I tell you, we're at the stage of the moment where the sweary words, you say the F word, you use, you know, you use the first letter.
So, there's a lot of P words, B words, F words, but my son is into grime so now we've got, like - L words.
What was the L word? - Don't know.
What's the Z word? LEE: I want to know what the L word is.
Maybe it's, er Is it a lady L word? - I don't think they're saying labia in grime.
- Oh.
Lee, what's the most important life lesson you've learnt? Oh, that was a good question, Jimmy.
Erm The most important life lesson, you can't get a decent haircut for a fiver.
Always spend at least seven.
I can see where that extra £2 went.
You look wonderful.
Erm And always remember there's only three types of people in life, those that can count and those that can't.
That's about I've lived my life with that and it seems to have worked out all right.
- Jason, have you got a mascot? - JASON: I have, actually, yes.
- What have you got? - I have got this which is my, cos people accuse me of this a lot and I thought, "Well, you know what? "Why don't I just go for it?" I've actually got this.
It's my Professional Northerner's Kit.
We've got quite a few things, obviously we've got a flat cap.
Let's see it on, let's get the full There you go.
I didn't think he could look any more like a murderer but you've done it.
I've got a pie.
A proper pie as well where the crust goes all the way around, because you get a lot of that in London where you order a pie and it's just the stew with a lid.
This is a proper northern pie because inside it is another pie as well.
I've got emergency gravy, if you ever need emergency gravy.
You're aware that gravy is not an energy drink, yes? Mate, that I'm telling you what, that will get you round the Manchester Marathon.
Instead of cups of water they just give out them.
You see people like What else have I got? I've got all sorts.
I've got some smelling salts, actually, just in case you look in an estate agent's window in the centre of London.
And this is very, this is really important, I take this everywhere I go.
This is a book to have on the tube just to pretend to read so you don't have to talk to anyone.
Because that's the one, that's the thing that throws us in the south, people don't like I saw a bloke reading a book once at Euston station, I said, I just went over to him, "Is that book any good?" He looked at me like I'd gone, "Hiya, mate, "can I have a little tickle of your bollocks?" LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH This is a Northern To Southern Phrase Book as well.
- Can we get some examples? - Yeah, of course.
Instead of bath, which is how it's spelt, you know, bath? You now say shower as their flats aren't big enough for a bath.
Instead of scone or "scown", you say hummus.
The rest of it's mostly just reminding you not to smile or talk to anyone.
So that's that, that's my Professional Northerner's Kit.
Jason Manford.
I've actually got one more thing.
I mean, it depends how dedicated you are as a Northerner cos this is really important, this one.
Where are you, pal? Come on.
Here we are.
- There we are.
- AUDIENCE AWWS This is an actualactual whippet.
I know you think they're a mythical beast in the south.
I don't think I've ever seen a whippet.
I know, you think they're like unicorns and that.
- Hello, pal.
- I mean, I don't want to be critical but have you thought about feeding him? I mean, I don't want to be all flash, but where I'm from we feed our dogs and that's LEE: What, you think he might be a really hungry St Bernard? APPLAUSE He's adorable, isn't he? That's a proper northern dog, that.
I like the way he can tickle his balls with his tail.
FAY: Yeah.
LEE: And this is why Joe didn't get the Crufts gig.
- JASON: There you go, off you go.
- Aww.
APPLAUSE Aww.
Sweet.
- Lee, have you got a mascot? - Yeah, I've got a mascot, Jimmy.
- What have you got? - I've actually got a framed picture of Mr Braithwaite, - my headmaster.
- Mr Braithwaite? Mr Braithwaite.
And this is the actual framed photo he had in his office.
It was next to the TV and video, which I also nicked.
I sort of use this Mr Braithwaite picture or Mr Braithwaite the bastard, as we used to affectionately call him, as a sort of daily motivation.
You know, he always said I'd amount to nothing and nothing would become of my life and I couldn't make it in life and you know.
If you're watching, Mr Braithwaite, I just want you to know that I'm here on Countdown and you said I was rubbish at everything, I wouldn't amount to anything.
I don't know why I'm saying all this, of course, you died 15 years ago.
But, you know, if I can rub it in the face of his widow then it's something, isn't it? Yeah, and he was a very strict man as well.
It was in the days, of course, that some of the older people in here will remember when you couldteachers could actually hit you.
They were allowed to hit you by law.
You won't remember this, Fay.
They used to hit you, didn't they? We used to get the table tennis bat.
- Were you not allowed to be hit? - JASON: I think I just got - LEE: Were you a post-hit? - JASON: Post-hit.
You would've got absolutely twatted, you.
But he used to hit us with a table tennis bats and it used to absolutely He'd whack you really hard with a table tennis bat and we used to think it was agony but it actually, he left and for a while another guy took over and he was a Chinese teacher and he didn't hit so hard, but he used to put a lot of spin on it.
And we'd used to say, "Oh, this is nice, it's not hurting.
" But what we hadn't realised is he'd put so much spin on you'd sit down, whizz off your seat, bang your head.
- Quite a clever move.
- APPLAUSE Fay, have you got a mascot? What did you bring? Well, I just brought on, cos I'm filming more Cold Feet at the minute and I brought along the thing that we've got in our make-up wagon because, you know, we're all getting on and sometimes - you have to do sort of intimate scenes, obviously.
- Right.
- Oh, of course.
- So, Janet, who runs the make-up wagon, did me a mood board for those for those scenes as to which wig to wear in the downstairs department.
- These are the actual wigs.
- That's not true.
That's true, because I had to wear one.
I believe they're called merkins, aren't they? Merkin.
It's a merkin mood board.
I'm so sorry, Mr Braithwaite.
Don't look at it.
Someone should just write number 5 and then leave it blank.
Well, we have got a five and a six.
LAUGHTER That's Jimmy Nesbitt first series, that's seventh series.
You don't often have to go to the merkin mood board, to be fair, but when you do, there is just the comfort of knowing Also, it's very English.
You don't have to really discuss it.
You just say, "I'll have a number two.
" Speaking of hairy twats, Joe.
Have you got a mascot? No.
Have you got a mascot, though? Yeah, I have, yeah.
I made a robot with my half brother Fabio.
Fabio, do you want to bring it on, mate? I mean, it's very realistic.
Talk me through Well, we got pissed up on Sunday afternoon and found a soldering iron.
We built that.
It comes with some natty features.
It's got a pocket with a naan bread in it.
Like robots, yeah.
It's got retractable salad servers.
That is really troubling to watch.
Why is it so slow? Just above the buttocks, there's a fold-down Guess Who board.
APPLAUSE As I say, we were drinking quite heavily, so not a lot of it makes sense, if I'm honest.
It seems to be starting to smoke there, Joe.
Ah, yeah.
It is a bit dogshit, innit? Get rid of it, Fabio.
Chuck it in the canal or something.
Didn't work.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Alex Horne and the Horne Section! CHEERING Hello! Alex and the Horne Section, his jazz band.
What's not to like about jazz music? Well, the jazz bit.
Alex, who are your musical heroes? Well, I suppose we like a lot of the one-hit wonders.
Those sort of one-hit wonders, like the Spice Girls.
They had loads of one-hit wonders.
That sort of things.
Spice Girls.
Spice Girls.
We're a lot like the Spice Girls, Jimmy, because we're sort of just five young Six young lads, and we like singing and dancing and drinking heavily.
- Can I sing a Spice Girls song? - Yes.
- Is that all right? I mean, it feels like I can't stop it.
# I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want The Horne Section.
- So that's - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Alex Horne and the Horne Section.
CHEERING With Alex, of course, it's Susie Dent! CHEERING Hanging out with Susie Dent is a laugh a minute.
Unfortunately, those minutes are spread out over several years.
Susie, we've got some very talented musicians on the show this evening.
Are there any interesting musical words that you can tell us about? Eh, well, I interviewed some classical musicians.
They told me things like red mist.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Wind instruments - when you blow so hard that you just You'll know all about this, Jimmy, in fact.
When you blow so hard what happens? You run out of oxygen.
The worst thing that can happen.
The pearlies, which are moments of extreme fear, like if you accidentally get a note in when you're supposed to be silent.
That's the pearlies.
- Have you had that, the pearlies? - Yeah, they've heard of it.
They've heard of it.
OK.
In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! The world of maths is incredibly varied.
There are prime numbers, whole numbers, perfect numbers, even irrational numbers, but what there don't seem to be any of are interesting numbers.
Rachel, were you ever a groupie? I was a Boyzone fan when I was about ten.
Then one day, my dad said we were going to look at some carpet.
It was a Saturday night, he took me to a massive park and we went past the people selling the memorabilia, T-shirts, brochures, whistles, before I realised there were actually no carpets.
He'd lied to me.
He took me to a Boyzone concert.
AUDIENCE: Aw! Slightly disappointed there were no carpets, though.
LAUGHTER Would you like some carpet now? We have That's more of a rug.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown Jukebox! CHEERING # Let's twist again # Like we did last summer # Oh let's twist again Like we did last year.
CHEERING Those are two grown men and that is their real job.
He's got such an incredible sense of rhythm, hasn't he? They both agreed backstage to go, "When we get out there, "promise we'll both freestyle it.
" "Definitely.
"I promise you I'll properly get involved.
" "You left me hanging, you bastard.
" OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Lee and Fay, you get the first pick of the letters.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
I'll take a consonant, please.
Thank you, Lee.
D And a vowel.
E And a consonant, please.
R A consonant.
I'll go for a consonant.
S Vowel.
O A vowel.
I A consonant.
D And a consonant.
And the last one L For the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Lee, how many? That would be seven.
Fay, how many? Maybe seven.
- Why are you looking over here? - Oh, yeah.
That's, eh I mean, over there.
Why are you looking over there? - Seven, Jimmy.
- OK what about you, Jason? Six.
- Joe.
- Six.
No, over there.
A risky seven, please.
A risky seven, please.
OK.
I'm dizzy, I might get down.
Oh, wow.
OK, Jason, what's your six? - SOILED.
- SOILED.
That's my word and also a cry for help.
OK.
Lee, your seven? SOLDIER - SOLDIER.
- It's a person who's in the army, Jimmy.
OK, Fay, your seven? I'm not confident, but TESTOID.
- TESTOID.
Yes.
- As in testiculary.
- Oh, as in a pretend bollock? - Yeah.
- There's only one T.
- Oh, there's only one T.
That is the problem.
Yeah.
Is the other problem is that TESTOID isn't a word? It's not in the dictionary, no.
You got the double whammy there.
You managed to spell a word wrongly that doesn't exist.
Joe, your risky seven? - Yeah, TILTERS.
- Sorry? - With two Ts again? - Two Ts again.
Oh, for Christ's sake! LAUGHTER It's easily done, isn't it? Yes, exactly! It is a good question, though - what do you call people who tilt things? Oh, no, it is in, actually.
Aha! That shut you up.
All I needed were a few more letters.
OK, so seven points to Lee Mack.
Alex, Susie, could they have done any better? Well, there's two other quite romantic sevens.
There's STEROID and DILDOES.
Romantic? Yeah, there's two eights.
TIDDLERS and TODDLERS.
You could have had TIDDLERS or TODDLERS.
- TODDLERS, of course.
- TODDLERS.
OK, so at the end of that, Lee and Fay are in the lead with seven points.
APPLAUSE All right, on to our first numbers round.
OK, Jason and Joe, your turn to pick the numbers.
Well, is it usually that one big one and then the rest are small ones? Is that all right? Eh, yeah.
Yeah? One big? - Yeah, we'll do that.
- A big one.
- Five little ones.
- Yeah.
.
100 is always good.
5, 7, 6 LEE: Just not 75.
- Yeah, 75 is - That's a bastard of a number that.
RACHEL: .
.
2, 4 50.
Not 75.
The target, 711.
Alex, do you think you might be able to play a bit of music for us? Yeah, we thought we'd incorporate the other five quizzes in the world.
Oh, OK.
Great.
Well, your time starts now.
THEY PLAY TV THEMES # Mastermind! # Blockbusters # This one's Blockbusters # Question Of Sport! # Crystal Maze! # Going for going for Darts! That's that one, that's Excellent work.
The target was 711.
Did you get it, Jason? I am very confident in my team-mate.
Vice captain.
- Vice captain? - Vice captain.
- Sorry.
Joe, did you get it? Yeah, course I did.
Fay, did you get it? No.
I got 715.
Lee, did you get it? Yeah, I got it yesterday afternoon.
How did you get it? 50 x No, 7 x 2 7 x 2 = 14 x 50 = 700 6 + 5 That'll do it.
711.
Well done! Lee Mack, everyone.
Joe, how did you do it? I did it a better way.
50 x 2 x 7 + 6 + 5 I think that's the same way.
Ten points to both teams.
OK, so Jason and Joe have 10, Lee and Fay have 17.
APPLAUSE Here is your Teaser.
The words are MRS BULGE.
The clue is - she's a real moaner.
MRS BULGE, she's a real moaner.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the Teaser, the words were MRS BULGE.
The clue was - she's a real moaner.
It was of course GRUMBLES.
So Lee and Fay are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Lee and Jason.
So, Jason, your turn to pick the letters.
Eh, ooh, consonant.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Y - Just cos I want.
- LAUGHTER Another consonant.
Q Bloody hell.
Go on, Jason.
Try and get the Z that we're all looking for.
Vowel, please.
A It won't be there.
All right.
Eh, another vowel.
E Consonant.
R Yeah, consonant.
S Oh, here we go.
We're cooking now.
Yeah, you're certainly racing through it.
A vowel.
A And then two consonants.
That'll do it.
N And W - OK, and your time starts - Oh, God.
- .
.
now.
DRUM ROLL CYMBALS CRASH LAUGHTER It's annoying, cos it was right there.
Thing.
Go on.
It's just annoying, cos it was a lot of planning.
How many letters? - Did that hurt your face, that? - Huh? - Did that hurt your face? No, it's made of wood.
I got a seven.
You're doing very well this evening.
What about you, Jason? I've got a very confident five.
Oh, well, let's hear your confident five.
I like the confidence.
WEARY - WEARY.
- Yeah.
Lee, your seven? I got You'll know this, Jimmy, from what you see when you look out to your audience during your gigs.
YAWNERS LAUGHTER I mean, that must be a word, mustn't it? People who yawn must be called something.
- It's in! It's a brilliant seven.
- Well, thank you.
A brilliant seven.
Seven points to Lee! CHEERING Can I just say? This show's a lot easier when Jon Richardson's not here.
LAUGHTER I had WANQERS with a Q.
That sounds like a porno film! Make a line, please.
APPLAUSE WANQERS, yay! Is that "WANQERS, yay", or, "Yay, WANQERS"? No, it's "Ya WANQERS".
Ya WANQERS, of course.
Susie, Alex, could they have done any better than that? YAWNERS was the best, otherwise, YEARNS, quite a few sixes.
Well done, Lee.
Thank you.
So at the end of that round, Jason and Joe have 10, Lee and Fay have 24.
- Come on! - You're doing very well.
- 24.
- Come on! Right, now it's time for Joe and Fay to go head-to-head.
Fay, your turn to pick the numbers.
A big one.
A big one? - Then all little ones.
- All little ones.
One big, five little.
Thank you, Fay.
This time they are 6, 3, 1, another 3, another 1 and 75.
GROANING BOOING The target, 576.
Can we have a couple more numbers, cos they are horseshit.
LAUGHTER That's insane! I feel sick.
Horne Section, are you ready? Yes, Jimmy.
It's the anniversary of France this year, so we're going to do a French one.
OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
# La Rochelle est tricolore # Bonjour # Et ca va, Monsieur? # Francais # Bonjour # Paris # Marseilles # Je t'aime # Ooh, je t'aime # Je t'aime, je t'aime Merci beaucoup! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What a wonderful tribute to France that really was.
So the target was 576.
Joe, did you get it? I'm out, no.
Thought I had it, thought I had it, but in the end, I was 1,362 away.
LAUGHTER OK, Fay, did you get it? I honestly am not enjoying the evening.
I can't spell or add up.
What am I doing here? It's absurd.
I've got nothing.
Maybe it was crazy difficult.
Let's check in with the maths expert.
Rachel, could it be done? - No, impossible.
- Yeah.
What?! What?! 6 + 1 + 1 = 8 75 - 3 = 72 - That's it.
- Is that it? - Yeah.
8 x 72? Do you know what? Even though I've seen you do it, I still don't know how you did it.
What happened to you? How did you become like this? I've done this a lot.
How many friends have you got? LAUGHTER - I'm genuinely interested.
- Well, if that's your theory, I should be fucking magic.
LAUGHTER I just spotted that it could have been done It was 24 squared, and now I kind of feel a bit bad - that I did it this way.
- Yeah, you idiot.
How would you have done 24 squared? 75 ? 3 = 25 - 1 = 24 3 + 1 = 4 Then you get 24 squared, that's, like, the best way to They're clapping because they don't understand.
Is it zero? - Is what zero? - How many friends you've got.
LAUGHTER My numbers are my friends.
The numbers are your friends? Yeah, I've got 24 of them.
There's more than that, love.
OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
Alex Horne and the Horne Section, what have you got for us? Well, Jimmy, as you know, I'm a brilliant dancer and a loving son, but also, I conduct the band.
I use a bat rather than a baton.
And a little ball.
We use one of these.
Can I demonstrate how I conduct them? - I would love to see that.
- OK, I'm going to stand for this.
Ready? I'm not going to count you in.
Follow the ball.
Good luck.
THEY PLAY IN RHYTHM WITH BALL Sorry.
Yeah.
Good.
- It's good, isn't it? It's good.
- That's a real skill.
- It's quite fun.
- That's a real skill.
Jimmy, when Jason and I were children, we used to play table tennis together, didn't we, Jason? - Yeah, a long time ago.
- Do you want to have a game now? Absolutely.
Love to.
Please welcome Jason into the conducting zone.
I presume Lady Gaga wants the shoes back at some stage.
- Shall we turn them on? - Yeah, you can turn your shoes on, that would be great.
OOHING Oh, my God.
LEE: Who knew they could look worse.
LAUGHTER - ALEX: It's going to be a rally.
- All right, yeah.
- Just a little - Bouncing on the floor? - We're just standing very still.
- Oh, fine.
- BAND PLAYS - Good, Jason.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Bad.
It shouldn't bounce.
I'll get a bigger ball.
We'll use this, if you want.
OK, let's do that.
Just like a beach ball.
OK.
Oh, I see.
Right, no problem.
We'll get another one.
That's gone too high.
That's gone far too high.
They can't Give me the ball.
- Please.
- Come on, let's go.
- Are we ready? - Yes.
BAND PLAYS IN RHYTHM WITH BALL It can go round, it can go round.
It's fun, isn't it? It's fun.
That's enough, Jason.
That's enough.
Have a go at that, Jason.
BAND PLAYS IN RHYTHM A bit of height.
They need Big ending.
Big ending.
Three.
And spin.
CHEERING Alex, are you injured? I think Jason's quite dense LAUGHTER Alex Horne and the Horne Section! CHEERING OK, the scores at the moment, Jason and Joe have 10, Lee and Fay have 24.
CHEERING Here is your Teaser.
The words are - OH SLAP IT.
the clue is Then call me an ambulance.
OH SLAP IT, then call me an ambulance.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were OH SLAP IT, the clue was - then call me an ambulance.
It was, of course, HOSPITAL.
OK, on with the game, and, Lee and Fay, your turn to choose the letters.
Let's start with some vowels.
O Let's stick with the vowels.
- A.
- Like, let's do them in categories.
E - Yes.
You can stop.
- Yeah? Now let's have some consonants.
P R S OK, vowel.
A Consonant.
H - Consonant.
- And V Alex, The Horne Section, would you mind doing the clock music for me? - Oh, how about a medieval one? - OK, your time starts now.
# Coooooouuunt Doooooooown.
TING! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Did they not have gongs in medieval times? - Don't think so.
OK.
Fay, how many? - Five.
- Jason, how many? I got six.
- OK.
Joe, what did you get? - I got a superb five.
A superb five? Well, now I'm interested.
- Lee, what did you get? - I've got a six.
You've got a six? OK.
Joe, what's your five? AREAS.
I used both the As.
Never seen before, that.
LAUGHTER - Fay, what have you got? - SAVER.
- SAVER, for five.
All right, Jason, your six? - POSHER.
- POSHER? - Lee Mack.
- My six was SHAVER.
- OAP SHAVER, you could have had.
- Oh, yeah! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Beautiful.
Six points to both teams.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And, Alex Horne, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? HORSE, or HOARSE, for six.
LEE: That's not how you spell horse.
LAUGHTER I'm not an idiot.
OK, the scores at the moment - Jason and Joe have 16, Lee and Fay have 30.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Alex Horne and The Horne Section, what have you got for us? Well, Jimmy, as you know, I'm a great dancer and a really nice guy and today, we've been heavily influenced by the local heroes The Village People, so we thought we'd do a dance inspired by them, - if that's all right with you.
- Well, that would be fabulous.
It's going to be me and the little guys, Mark and Joe.
Can you welcome us to the dance area, please? - Thank you.
- APPLAUSE Welcome to the dance area.
# Old car # When your tyres are bald you won't start # Especially in the cold # The man told you # But you didn't understand # It's a crankshaft piston problem # Your breakdown's covered with the AA # You're always covered with the AA # They have everything for young men to enjoy # You can hang out with all the boys # Taxes # We all love to pay our taxes # I pay mine every day # But Jimmy Carr knows you can't get away # They will hunt you down and kill you # You should be frightened of the HMRC # They're very thorough at the HMRC # You could get yourself clean with the kind of good deal # You can do whatever you feel # Young man # There's no need to use words # It's much quicker # If you just use letters # So if I'm rolling on the floor # Laughing my arse off # And can't operate properly till eyes refocus # You should just type ROFLMAOCOPTER # You should just type ROFLMAOCOPTER # They have everything for young men to enjoy # At the ROFLMAOCOPTER The ROFLMAOCOPTER.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Alex Horne and The Horne Section, everyone.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are - DICK MIME.
The clue is - you copied me.
That's DICK MIME, you copied me.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser The words were DICK MIME.
The clue was - you copied me.
It was, of course, MIMICKED.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jason, Joe, your turn to choose the letters.
You're a long way behind.
- Are we all playing? - Unless it's too much bother for you.
- What's the score? - LAUGHTER - You could just rest.
- What's the score? - 16 plays 30.
- Right.
Is it mathematically impossible for us to? - You get 18 for a nine-letter.
You get double.
- I never knew that.
In 30-odd years of Countdown You get double points.
- I'm gonna - Joeis going to choose.
I'm gonna choose.
I'd like a consonant, please.
R Can I have a consonant, please? K Can I have a consonant, please? S Can I have a consonant, please? L Can I have a consonant, please? - D.
- You know the other word? If you've forgotten the other word it's OK.
I just wrote "seven" down instead of LAUGHTER I'm not joking.
I wrote "seven".
What is it? It's a T.
A T.
That is so close.
LAUGHTER And then a vowely.
E Oh, it was a vowel-E as well! Vowel-E! And then a vowel-O.
I And then a vowel.
E And then a proper consonant at the end.
And another S.
OK.
And your time starts now.
DRAMATIC WESTERN MUSIC Prick.
GUNSHO GUNSHO GUNSHO CLINK LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Go on, fuck off.
- Jason, how many? - I am going to go six.
- Going six.
- Is there a dodgy seven? - No, no, it's a dodgy six.
- It's a dodgy six? - Yeah.
- What about you, Lee? - I'll go five.
- Five, OK.
- Fay, how many did you get? - Six.
- Six? Huge.
Joe, how many did you get? - Seven.
- But is it Is it the number seven that you wrote down? LAUGHTER It's a four, then.
I've got seven.
- Lee, what's your five? - KITES.
- OK, KITES.
Fay, your six? - SISTER.
- SISTER? - Jason, your six? Well, I've gone with SLEETS.
- Nice.
- Nice.
- Oh, Susie approves.
So this would make it a crucial Countdown Conundrum for the end of the game - if Joe has got a seven-letter word.
So - Come on, Joe.
I mean, we're all hoping, but STRIKES - Yes.
- Yes! APPLAUSE Something for Joe! Maybe sometimes drinking strong lager in the park isn't a bad idea.
LAUGHTER Alex, Susie, could they have done any better than the magnificent STRIKES? There were two eights, which make up the name of our latest concept album.
TIRELESS KESTRELS.
It's a difficult listen.
It's not great.
TIRELESS KESTRELS.
TIRELESS and KESTRELS were up there.
OK.
So, Jason and Joe have 23.
Lee and Fay have 30.
So it is all still to play for.
Fingers on buzzers.
Ready for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Are you ready? Can I just say? I am genuinely now quite tense.
LAUGHTER OK.
Winner takes all.
Your time starts now.
BELL Jason.
I think it's me, actually.
- Was it? - No, it was Jason.
Jason? - POSITION.
- That was me! Well, let's have a look.
APPLAUSE They've got it, they've won! So, the final scores are, Lee and Fay have 30 points, but tonight's winner, with 33, Jason and Joe! Congratulations.
You are now the proud owner of this, the Countdown jukebox! Thanks to all of our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight! CHEERING
APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Lee Mack, Jason Manford, Fay Ripley, Joe Wilkinson, Alex Horne and The Horne section, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now, please welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the word "sober" in Estonian means male friend? Sure, when you're sober, he's just a male friend but after you've had seven pints suddenly Igor starts to look pretty sexy.
The edible entrails of an animal are known as umbles, but they're more commonly referred to as nuggets or twizzlers.
And the letters H, I, O and X are the only letters that look the same if you flip them upside down or view them from behind and that's the sort of pointless fact that gives Susie Dent the horn.
Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's special guest team captain, Lee Mac.
- That's me! - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - I can't believe our luck, look at him.
- Thank you, Jimmy.
I'm not saying we're different, Lee, but if we were born in any other century you'd probably have to call me sir.
And Lee's team-mate, Fay Ripley! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Fay is probably most famous for Cold Feet.
Cold Feet was the UK's answer to Friends.
Unfortunately the question was, "What's not good as Friends?" Oh! We're still going.
- You are - Just saying.
- You are still going.
Can I just say, Jimmy for someone, you know I think doing jokes about people doing shows that aren't good as other versions, I mean, you're pushing it with this, aren't you? We're on very thin ice here.
Very thin ice.
Up against them this evening, as special guest team captain, Jason Manford.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Jason studied media and performance at the University of Salford.
He left with a degree of embarrassment, I'd imagine.
It was a good course, that.
Tough as well, Salford, doing drama in Salford.
"Is this a dagger I see before me?" "Yeah, give me us your trainers.
" LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH Even when I see it now on telly, people say, "Oh, that was a brave performance.
" I think, "Brave? You want to study where I studied, mate.
"Brave performance, walking home through Broughton "with legwarmers and a Sunset Boulevard top.
" - Is Broughton a place? - Broughton is a place, yeah.
Is it near here? Yeah.
Yeah, it's in Salford.
LEE: Jimmy, you know that walk from the Mercedes to the front door of this building, occasionally why don't you just glance around like that? APPLAUSE Joining Jason tonight is Joe Wilkinson.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH - They love you.
We love having Joe on the show because he always delivers and what he delivers is the ramblings of a madman who's been living in a park, feasting on magic mushrooms and hand sanitizer.
- I'm not laughing at that.
- No.
I was laughing at something I was just remembering something from the other day.
Jason, you've got Joe Wilkinson on your team, are you feeling confident? - Hello, mate.
- I am! I am.
I thought he'd just come in from the outside to keep warm.
I'm pretty confident.
We had a little chat backstage, didn't we? About whether we were any good, because I am terrible.
- But you - Superb.
What's your favourite letter? God, you can't ask me that, mate.
There's 17 of them.
Joe, if the world was going to end tomorrow, what would you do with your last day? Erm Oh, well, I've got half a tin of oxtail soup in the fridge, that'll need finishing.
Erm I don't know.
I wouldn't go too mad cos I've been caught like that before.
- You thought? - How do you mean? You thought the world was ending? Yeah, cos this fella outside the offy said to me, "Oh, the world's ending.
" So I decided to run around Trafalgar Square with a load of hay up my arse.
And, and then when it didn't end, I just looked like pillock.
- Yeah.
- Do you know what I mean? - Yeah.
- Stan, if you're watching, you're a lying prick, mate.
OK.
Fay, you've got two kids, do they teach you slang words? Well, I tell you, we're at the stage of the moment where the sweary words, you say the F word, you use, you know, you use the first letter.
So, there's a lot of P words, B words, F words, but my son is into grime so now we've got, like - L words.
What was the L word? - Don't know.
What's the Z word? LEE: I want to know what the L word is.
Maybe it's, er Is it a lady L word? - I don't think they're saying labia in grime.
- Oh.
Lee, what's the most important life lesson you've learnt? Oh, that was a good question, Jimmy.
Erm The most important life lesson, you can't get a decent haircut for a fiver.
Always spend at least seven.
I can see where that extra £2 went.
You look wonderful.
Erm And always remember there's only three types of people in life, those that can count and those that can't.
That's about I've lived my life with that and it seems to have worked out all right.
- Jason, have you got a mascot? - JASON: I have, actually, yes.
- What have you got? - I have got this which is my, cos people accuse me of this a lot and I thought, "Well, you know what? "Why don't I just go for it?" I've actually got this.
It's my Professional Northerner's Kit.
We've got quite a few things, obviously we've got a flat cap.
Let's see it on, let's get the full There you go.
I didn't think he could look any more like a murderer but you've done it.
I've got a pie.
A proper pie as well where the crust goes all the way around, because you get a lot of that in London where you order a pie and it's just the stew with a lid.
This is a proper northern pie because inside it is another pie as well.
I've got emergency gravy, if you ever need emergency gravy.
You're aware that gravy is not an energy drink, yes? Mate, that I'm telling you what, that will get you round the Manchester Marathon.
Instead of cups of water they just give out them.
You see people like What else have I got? I've got all sorts.
I've got some smelling salts, actually, just in case you look in an estate agent's window in the centre of London.
And this is very, this is really important, I take this everywhere I go.
This is a book to have on the tube just to pretend to read so you don't have to talk to anyone.
Because that's the one, that's the thing that throws us in the south, people don't like I saw a bloke reading a book once at Euston station, I said, I just went over to him, "Is that book any good?" He looked at me like I'd gone, "Hiya, mate, "can I have a little tickle of your bollocks?" LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH This is a Northern To Southern Phrase Book as well.
- Can we get some examples? - Yeah, of course.
Instead of bath, which is how it's spelt, you know, bath? You now say shower as their flats aren't big enough for a bath.
Instead of scone or "scown", you say hummus.
The rest of it's mostly just reminding you not to smile or talk to anyone.
So that's that, that's my Professional Northerner's Kit.
Jason Manford.
I've actually got one more thing.
I mean, it depends how dedicated you are as a Northerner cos this is really important, this one.
Where are you, pal? Come on.
Here we are.
- There we are.
- AUDIENCE AWWS This is an actualactual whippet.
I know you think they're a mythical beast in the south.
I don't think I've ever seen a whippet.
I know, you think they're like unicorns and that.
- Hello, pal.
- I mean, I don't want to be critical but have you thought about feeding him? I mean, I don't want to be all flash, but where I'm from we feed our dogs and that's LEE: What, you think he might be a really hungry St Bernard? APPLAUSE He's adorable, isn't he? That's a proper northern dog, that.
I like the way he can tickle his balls with his tail.
FAY: Yeah.
LEE: And this is why Joe didn't get the Crufts gig.
- JASON: There you go, off you go.
- Aww.
APPLAUSE Aww.
Sweet.
- Lee, have you got a mascot? - Yeah, I've got a mascot, Jimmy.
- What have you got? - I've actually got a framed picture of Mr Braithwaite, - my headmaster.
- Mr Braithwaite? Mr Braithwaite.
And this is the actual framed photo he had in his office.
It was next to the TV and video, which I also nicked.
I sort of use this Mr Braithwaite picture or Mr Braithwaite the bastard, as we used to affectionately call him, as a sort of daily motivation.
You know, he always said I'd amount to nothing and nothing would become of my life and I couldn't make it in life and you know.
If you're watching, Mr Braithwaite, I just want you to know that I'm here on Countdown and you said I was rubbish at everything, I wouldn't amount to anything.
I don't know why I'm saying all this, of course, you died 15 years ago.
But, you know, if I can rub it in the face of his widow then it's something, isn't it? Yeah, and he was a very strict man as well.
It was in the days, of course, that some of the older people in here will remember when you couldteachers could actually hit you.
They were allowed to hit you by law.
You won't remember this, Fay.
They used to hit you, didn't they? We used to get the table tennis bat.
- Were you not allowed to be hit? - JASON: I think I just got - LEE: Were you a post-hit? - JASON: Post-hit.
You would've got absolutely twatted, you.
But he used to hit us with a table tennis bats and it used to absolutely He'd whack you really hard with a table tennis bat and we used to think it was agony but it actually, he left and for a while another guy took over and he was a Chinese teacher and he didn't hit so hard, but he used to put a lot of spin on it.
And we'd used to say, "Oh, this is nice, it's not hurting.
" But what we hadn't realised is he'd put so much spin on you'd sit down, whizz off your seat, bang your head.
- Quite a clever move.
- APPLAUSE Fay, have you got a mascot? What did you bring? Well, I just brought on, cos I'm filming more Cold Feet at the minute and I brought along the thing that we've got in our make-up wagon because, you know, we're all getting on and sometimes - you have to do sort of intimate scenes, obviously.
- Right.
- Oh, of course.
- So, Janet, who runs the make-up wagon, did me a mood board for those for those scenes as to which wig to wear in the downstairs department.
- These are the actual wigs.
- That's not true.
That's true, because I had to wear one.
I believe they're called merkins, aren't they? Merkin.
It's a merkin mood board.
I'm so sorry, Mr Braithwaite.
Don't look at it.
Someone should just write number 5 and then leave it blank.
Well, we have got a five and a six.
LAUGHTER That's Jimmy Nesbitt first series, that's seventh series.
You don't often have to go to the merkin mood board, to be fair, but when you do, there is just the comfort of knowing Also, it's very English.
You don't have to really discuss it.
You just say, "I'll have a number two.
" Speaking of hairy twats, Joe.
Have you got a mascot? No.
Have you got a mascot, though? Yeah, I have, yeah.
I made a robot with my half brother Fabio.
Fabio, do you want to bring it on, mate? I mean, it's very realistic.
Talk me through Well, we got pissed up on Sunday afternoon and found a soldering iron.
We built that.
It comes with some natty features.
It's got a pocket with a naan bread in it.
Like robots, yeah.
It's got retractable salad servers.
That is really troubling to watch.
Why is it so slow? Just above the buttocks, there's a fold-down Guess Who board.
APPLAUSE As I say, we were drinking quite heavily, so not a lot of it makes sense, if I'm honest.
It seems to be starting to smoke there, Joe.
Ah, yeah.
It is a bit dogshit, innit? Get rid of it, Fabio.
Chuck it in the canal or something.
Didn't work.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Alex Horne and the Horne Section! CHEERING Hello! Alex and the Horne Section, his jazz band.
What's not to like about jazz music? Well, the jazz bit.
Alex, who are your musical heroes? Well, I suppose we like a lot of the one-hit wonders.
Those sort of one-hit wonders, like the Spice Girls.
They had loads of one-hit wonders.
That sort of things.
Spice Girls.
Spice Girls.
We're a lot like the Spice Girls, Jimmy, because we're sort of just five young Six young lads, and we like singing and dancing and drinking heavily.
- Can I sing a Spice Girls song? - Yes.
- Is that all right? I mean, it feels like I can't stop it.
# I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want # I'll tell you what I want What I really really want # So tell us what you want What you really really want The Horne Section.
- So that's - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Alex Horne and the Horne Section.
CHEERING With Alex, of course, it's Susie Dent! CHEERING Hanging out with Susie Dent is a laugh a minute.
Unfortunately, those minutes are spread out over several years.
Susie, we've got some very talented musicians on the show this evening.
Are there any interesting musical words that you can tell us about? Eh, well, I interviewed some classical musicians.
They told me things like red mist.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Wind instruments - when you blow so hard that you just You'll know all about this, Jimmy, in fact.
When you blow so hard what happens? You run out of oxygen.
The worst thing that can happen.
The pearlies, which are moments of extreme fear, like if you accidentally get a note in when you're supposed to be silent.
That's the pearlies.
- Have you had that, the pearlies? - Yeah, they've heard of it.
They've heard of it.
OK.
In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! The world of maths is incredibly varied.
There are prime numbers, whole numbers, perfect numbers, even irrational numbers, but what there don't seem to be any of are interesting numbers.
Rachel, were you ever a groupie? I was a Boyzone fan when I was about ten.
Then one day, my dad said we were going to look at some carpet.
It was a Saturday night, he took me to a massive park and we went past the people selling the memorabilia, T-shirts, brochures, whistles, before I realised there were actually no carpets.
He'd lied to me.
He took me to a Boyzone concert.
AUDIENCE: Aw! Slightly disappointed there were no carpets, though.
LAUGHTER Would you like some carpet now? We have That's more of a rug.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown Jukebox! CHEERING # Let's twist again # Like we did last summer # Oh let's twist again Like we did last year.
CHEERING Those are two grown men and that is their real job.
He's got such an incredible sense of rhythm, hasn't he? They both agreed backstage to go, "When we get out there, "promise we'll both freestyle it.
" "Definitely.
"I promise you I'll properly get involved.
" "You left me hanging, you bastard.
" OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Lee and Fay, you get the first pick of the letters.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
I'll take a consonant, please.
Thank you, Lee.
D And a vowel.
E And a consonant, please.
R A consonant.
I'll go for a consonant.
S Vowel.
O A vowel.
I A consonant.
D And a consonant.
And the last one L For the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Lee, how many? That would be seven.
Fay, how many? Maybe seven.
- Why are you looking over here? - Oh, yeah.
That's, eh I mean, over there.
Why are you looking over there? - Seven, Jimmy.
- OK what about you, Jason? Six.
- Joe.
- Six.
No, over there.
A risky seven, please.
A risky seven, please.
OK.
I'm dizzy, I might get down.
Oh, wow.
OK, Jason, what's your six? - SOILED.
- SOILED.
That's my word and also a cry for help.
OK.
Lee, your seven? SOLDIER - SOLDIER.
- It's a person who's in the army, Jimmy.
OK, Fay, your seven? I'm not confident, but TESTOID.
- TESTOID.
Yes.
- As in testiculary.
- Oh, as in a pretend bollock? - Yeah.
- There's only one T.
- Oh, there's only one T.
That is the problem.
Yeah.
Is the other problem is that TESTOID isn't a word? It's not in the dictionary, no.
You got the double whammy there.
You managed to spell a word wrongly that doesn't exist.
Joe, your risky seven? - Yeah, TILTERS.
- Sorry? - With two Ts again? - Two Ts again.
Oh, for Christ's sake! LAUGHTER It's easily done, isn't it? Yes, exactly! It is a good question, though - what do you call people who tilt things? Oh, no, it is in, actually.
Aha! That shut you up.
All I needed were a few more letters.
OK, so seven points to Lee Mack.
Alex, Susie, could they have done any better? Well, there's two other quite romantic sevens.
There's STEROID and DILDOES.
Romantic? Yeah, there's two eights.
TIDDLERS and TODDLERS.
You could have had TIDDLERS or TODDLERS.
- TODDLERS, of course.
- TODDLERS.
OK, so at the end of that, Lee and Fay are in the lead with seven points.
APPLAUSE All right, on to our first numbers round.
OK, Jason and Joe, your turn to pick the numbers.
Well, is it usually that one big one and then the rest are small ones? Is that all right? Eh, yeah.
Yeah? One big? - Yeah, we'll do that.
- A big one.
- Five little ones.
- Yeah.
.
100 is always good.
5, 7, 6 LEE: Just not 75.
- Yeah, 75 is - That's a bastard of a number that.
RACHEL: .
.
2, 4 50.
Not 75.
The target, 711.
Alex, do you think you might be able to play a bit of music for us? Yeah, we thought we'd incorporate the other five quizzes in the world.
Oh, OK.
Great.
Well, your time starts now.
THEY PLAY TV THEMES # Mastermind! # Blockbusters # This one's Blockbusters # Question Of Sport! # Crystal Maze! # Going for going for Darts! That's that one, that's Excellent work.
The target was 711.
Did you get it, Jason? I am very confident in my team-mate.
Vice captain.
- Vice captain? - Vice captain.
- Sorry.
Joe, did you get it? Yeah, course I did.
Fay, did you get it? No.
I got 715.
Lee, did you get it? Yeah, I got it yesterday afternoon.
How did you get it? 50 x No, 7 x 2 7 x 2 = 14 x 50 = 700 6 + 5 That'll do it.
711.
Well done! Lee Mack, everyone.
Joe, how did you do it? I did it a better way.
50 x 2 x 7 + 6 + 5 I think that's the same way.
Ten points to both teams.
OK, so Jason and Joe have 10, Lee and Fay have 17.
APPLAUSE Here is your Teaser.
The words are MRS BULGE.
The clue is - she's a real moaner.
MRS BULGE, she's a real moaner.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the Teaser, the words were MRS BULGE.
The clue was - she's a real moaner.
It was of course GRUMBLES.
So Lee and Fay are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Lee and Jason.
So, Jason, your turn to pick the letters.
Eh, ooh, consonant.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Y - Just cos I want.
- LAUGHTER Another consonant.
Q Bloody hell.
Go on, Jason.
Try and get the Z that we're all looking for.
Vowel, please.
A It won't be there.
All right.
Eh, another vowel.
E Consonant.
R Yeah, consonant.
S Oh, here we go.
We're cooking now.
Yeah, you're certainly racing through it.
A vowel.
A And then two consonants.
That'll do it.
N And W - OK, and your time starts - Oh, God.
- .
.
now.
DRUM ROLL CYMBALS CRASH LAUGHTER It's annoying, cos it was right there.
Thing.
Go on.
It's just annoying, cos it was a lot of planning.
How many letters? - Did that hurt your face, that? - Huh? - Did that hurt your face? No, it's made of wood.
I got a seven.
You're doing very well this evening.
What about you, Jason? I've got a very confident five.
Oh, well, let's hear your confident five.
I like the confidence.
WEARY - WEARY.
- Yeah.
Lee, your seven? I got You'll know this, Jimmy, from what you see when you look out to your audience during your gigs.
YAWNERS LAUGHTER I mean, that must be a word, mustn't it? People who yawn must be called something.
- It's in! It's a brilliant seven.
- Well, thank you.
A brilliant seven.
Seven points to Lee! CHEERING Can I just say? This show's a lot easier when Jon Richardson's not here.
LAUGHTER I had WANQERS with a Q.
That sounds like a porno film! Make a line, please.
APPLAUSE WANQERS, yay! Is that "WANQERS, yay", or, "Yay, WANQERS"? No, it's "Ya WANQERS".
Ya WANQERS, of course.
Susie, Alex, could they have done any better than that? YAWNERS was the best, otherwise, YEARNS, quite a few sixes.
Well done, Lee.
Thank you.
So at the end of that round, Jason and Joe have 10, Lee and Fay have 24.
- Come on! - You're doing very well.
- 24.
- Come on! Right, now it's time for Joe and Fay to go head-to-head.
Fay, your turn to pick the numbers.
A big one.
A big one? - Then all little ones.
- All little ones.
One big, five little.
Thank you, Fay.
This time they are 6, 3, 1, another 3, another 1 and 75.
GROANING BOOING The target, 576.
Can we have a couple more numbers, cos they are horseshit.
LAUGHTER That's insane! I feel sick.
Horne Section, are you ready? Yes, Jimmy.
It's the anniversary of France this year, so we're going to do a French one.
OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
# La Rochelle est tricolore # Bonjour # Et ca va, Monsieur? # Francais # Bonjour # Paris # Marseilles # Je t'aime # Ooh, je t'aime # Je t'aime, je t'aime Merci beaucoup! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What a wonderful tribute to France that really was.
So the target was 576.
Joe, did you get it? I'm out, no.
Thought I had it, thought I had it, but in the end, I was 1,362 away.
LAUGHTER OK, Fay, did you get it? I honestly am not enjoying the evening.
I can't spell or add up.
What am I doing here? It's absurd.
I've got nothing.
Maybe it was crazy difficult.
Let's check in with the maths expert.
Rachel, could it be done? - No, impossible.
- Yeah.
What?! What?! 6 + 1 + 1 = 8 75 - 3 = 72 - That's it.
- Is that it? - Yeah.
8 x 72? Do you know what? Even though I've seen you do it, I still don't know how you did it.
What happened to you? How did you become like this? I've done this a lot.
How many friends have you got? LAUGHTER - I'm genuinely interested.
- Well, if that's your theory, I should be fucking magic.
LAUGHTER I just spotted that it could have been done It was 24 squared, and now I kind of feel a bit bad - that I did it this way.
- Yeah, you idiot.
How would you have done 24 squared? 75 ? 3 = 25 - 1 = 24 3 + 1 = 4 Then you get 24 squared, that's, like, the best way to They're clapping because they don't understand.
Is it zero? - Is what zero? - How many friends you've got.
LAUGHTER My numbers are my friends.
The numbers are your friends? Yeah, I've got 24 of them.
There's more than that, love.
OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
Alex Horne and the Horne Section, what have you got for us? Well, Jimmy, as you know, I'm a brilliant dancer and a loving son, but also, I conduct the band.
I use a bat rather than a baton.
And a little ball.
We use one of these.
Can I demonstrate how I conduct them? - I would love to see that.
- OK, I'm going to stand for this.
Ready? I'm not going to count you in.
Follow the ball.
Good luck.
THEY PLAY IN RHYTHM WITH BALL Sorry.
Yeah.
Good.
- It's good, isn't it? It's good.
- That's a real skill.
- It's quite fun.
- That's a real skill.
Jimmy, when Jason and I were children, we used to play table tennis together, didn't we, Jason? - Yeah, a long time ago.
- Do you want to have a game now? Absolutely.
Love to.
Please welcome Jason into the conducting zone.
I presume Lady Gaga wants the shoes back at some stage.
- Shall we turn them on? - Yeah, you can turn your shoes on, that would be great.
OOHING Oh, my God.
LEE: Who knew they could look worse.
LAUGHTER - ALEX: It's going to be a rally.
- All right, yeah.
- Just a little - Bouncing on the floor? - We're just standing very still.
- Oh, fine.
- BAND PLAYS - Good, Jason.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Bad.
It shouldn't bounce.
I'll get a bigger ball.
We'll use this, if you want.
OK, let's do that.
Just like a beach ball.
OK.
Oh, I see.
Right, no problem.
We'll get another one.
That's gone too high.
That's gone far too high.
They can't Give me the ball.
- Please.
- Come on, let's go.
- Are we ready? - Yes.
BAND PLAYS IN RHYTHM WITH BALL It can go round, it can go round.
It's fun, isn't it? It's fun.
That's enough, Jason.
That's enough.
Have a go at that, Jason.
BAND PLAYS IN RHYTHM A bit of height.
They need Big ending.
Big ending.
Three.
And spin.
CHEERING Alex, are you injured? I think Jason's quite dense LAUGHTER Alex Horne and the Horne Section! CHEERING OK, the scores at the moment, Jason and Joe have 10, Lee and Fay have 24.
CHEERING Here is your Teaser.
The words are - OH SLAP IT.
the clue is Then call me an ambulance.
OH SLAP IT, then call me an ambulance.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were OH SLAP IT, the clue was - then call me an ambulance.
It was, of course, HOSPITAL.
OK, on with the game, and, Lee and Fay, your turn to choose the letters.
Let's start with some vowels.
O Let's stick with the vowels.
- A.
- Like, let's do them in categories.
E - Yes.
You can stop.
- Yeah? Now let's have some consonants.
P R S OK, vowel.
A Consonant.
H - Consonant.
- And V Alex, The Horne Section, would you mind doing the clock music for me? - Oh, how about a medieval one? - OK, your time starts now.
# Coooooouuunt Doooooooown.
TING! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Did they not have gongs in medieval times? - Don't think so.
OK.
Fay, how many? - Five.
- Jason, how many? I got six.
- OK.
Joe, what did you get? - I got a superb five.
A superb five? Well, now I'm interested.
- Lee, what did you get? - I've got a six.
You've got a six? OK.
Joe, what's your five? AREAS.
I used both the As.
Never seen before, that.
LAUGHTER - Fay, what have you got? - SAVER.
- SAVER, for five.
All right, Jason, your six? - POSHER.
- POSHER? - Lee Mack.
- My six was SHAVER.
- OAP SHAVER, you could have had.
- Oh, yeah! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Beautiful.
Six points to both teams.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And, Alex Horne, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? HORSE, or HOARSE, for six.
LEE: That's not how you spell horse.
LAUGHTER I'm not an idiot.
OK, the scores at the moment - Jason and Joe have 16, Lee and Fay have 30.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Alex Horne and The Horne Section, what have you got for us? Well, Jimmy, as you know, I'm a great dancer and a really nice guy and today, we've been heavily influenced by the local heroes The Village People, so we thought we'd do a dance inspired by them, - if that's all right with you.
- Well, that would be fabulous.
It's going to be me and the little guys, Mark and Joe.
Can you welcome us to the dance area, please? - Thank you.
- APPLAUSE Welcome to the dance area.
# Old car # When your tyres are bald you won't start # Especially in the cold # The man told you # But you didn't understand # It's a crankshaft piston problem # Your breakdown's covered with the AA # You're always covered with the AA # They have everything for young men to enjoy # You can hang out with all the boys # Taxes # We all love to pay our taxes # I pay mine every day # But Jimmy Carr knows you can't get away # They will hunt you down and kill you # You should be frightened of the HMRC # They're very thorough at the HMRC # You could get yourself clean with the kind of good deal # You can do whatever you feel # Young man # There's no need to use words # It's much quicker # If you just use letters # So if I'm rolling on the floor # Laughing my arse off # And can't operate properly till eyes refocus # You should just type ROFLMAOCOPTER # You should just type ROFLMAOCOPTER # They have everything for young men to enjoy # At the ROFLMAOCOPTER The ROFLMAOCOPTER.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Alex Horne and The Horne Section, everyone.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are - DICK MIME.
The clue is - you copied me.
That's DICK MIME, you copied me.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser The words were DICK MIME.
The clue was - you copied me.
It was, of course, MIMICKED.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jason, Joe, your turn to choose the letters.
You're a long way behind.
- Are we all playing? - Unless it's too much bother for you.
- What's the score? - LAUGHTER - You could just rest.
- What's the score? - 16 plays 30.
- Right.
Is it mathematically impossible for us to? - You get 18 for a nine-letter.
You get double.
- I never knew that.
In 30-odd years of Countdown You get double points.
- I'm gonna - Joeis going to choose.
I'm gonna choose.
I'd like a consonant, please.
R Can I have a consonant, please? K Can I have a consonant, please? S Can I have a consonant, please? L Can I have a consonant, please? - D.
- You know the other word? If you've forgotten the other word it's OK.
I just wrote "seven" down instead of LAUGHTER I'm not joking.
I wrote "seven".
What is it? It's a T.
A T.
That is so close.
LAUGHTER And then a vowely.
E Oh, it was a vowel-E as well! Vowel-E! And then a vowel-O.
I And then a vowel.
E And then a proper consonant at the end.
And another S.
OK.
And your time starts now.
DRAMATIC WESTERN MUSIC Prick.
GUNSHO GUNSHO GUNSHO CLINK LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Go on, fuck off.
- Jason, how many? - I am going to go six.
- Going six.
- Is there a dodgy seven? - No, no, it's a dodgy six.
- It's a dodgy six? - Yeah.
- What about you, Lee? - I'll go five.
- Five, OK.
- Fay, how many did you get? - Six.
- Six? Huge.
Joe, how many did you get? - Seven.
- But is it Is it the number seven that you wrote down? LAUGHTER It's a four, then.
I've got seven.
- Lee, what's your five? - KITES.
- OK, KITES.
Fay, your six? - SISTER.
- SISTER? - Jason, your six? Well, I've gone with SLEETS.
- Nice.
- Nice.
- Oh, Susie approves.
So this would make it a crucial Countdown Conundrum for the end of the game - if Joe has got a seven-letter word.
So - Come on, Joe.
I mean, we're all hoping, but STRIKES - Yes.
- Yes! APPLAUSE Something for Joe! Maybe sometimes drinking strong lager in the park isn't a bad idea.
LAUGHTER Alex, Susie, could they have done any better than the magnificent STRIKES? There were two eights, which make up the name of our latest concept album.
TIRELESS KESTRELS.
It's a difficult listen.
It's not great.
TIRELESS KESTRELS.
TIRELESS and KESTRELS were up there.
OK.
So, Jason and Joe have 23.
Lee and Fay have 30.
So it is all still to play for.
Fingers on buzzers.
Ready for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Are you ready? Can I just say? I am genuinely now quite tense.
LAUGHTER OK.
Winner takes all.
Your time starts now.
BELL Jason.
I think it's me, actually.
- Was it? - No, it was Jason.
Jason? - POSITION.
- That was me! Well, let's have a look.
APPLAUSE They've got it, they've won! So, the final scores are, Lee and Fay have 30 points, but tonight's winner, with 33, Jason and Joe! Congratulations.
You are now the proud owner of this, the Countdown jukebox! Thanks to all of our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight! CHEERING