8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s14e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, super-shy guy - it's Louie Spence, up for a laugh, it's Joe Lycett, and their team captain, Sean Lock.
And facing them tonight, go figure, it's Rachel Riley, OMG, it's DOD - David O'Doherty, and their team captain, Jon Richardson.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 9 out of 10 children visit McDonald's once a month? What's that thing that all the kids get in McDonald's? Oh, yeah, fat.
68% of men start conversations with strangers while queuing for the toilet.
I wish people would just mind their pees and queue.
And 27% of people keep a weapon by the bed to protect themselves against intruders.
I don't have a weapon.
Instead, I sleep in stockings and suspenders and if I'm burgled, I just throw back the covers and say, "What kept you?" Right, let's get started.
CHEERING What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
Panellists guess the public's top five most popular talking points.
Sean's team, what have the nation been talking about in the last week? Hmm, well.
What do you think? There's that big story that's been knocking about for a few weeks now.
I think I might know the one you mean.
- I think I might know the one you mean.
- It's the Jimmy Savile scandal.
- I think I might know the one you mean.
- It's the Jimmy Savile scandal.
- Oh.
That's been on the front of every newspaper.
You read these stories about the horrendous things he's done.
You go, I mean, a story's now emerging of necrophilia.
I remember hearing that story years ago and you're thinking, "When you're using necrophilia as a smoke screen, "something must be wrong!" How does a hospital Who the hell runs a hospital that lets someone, "Yeah, let him have a key to the mortuary, that's fine.
"He wants to go in the mortuary, he does a lot of stuff for us, "let him have the key.
" I'm disgusted, I've handed back my key.
The spokesperson APPLAUSE You know that noise - you can do it, Jon - Savile used to make? What was that weird? I've sort of retired that impression, to be honest.
APPLAUSE John Simpson this week said, "It's the biggest scandal at the BBC for 50 years.
" Yeah, no shit! The hideous thing is, the number of people who knew about it and didn't do anything.
Like, usually when something like this happens, people go, "Well, he seemed like such a lovely bloke.
" But when this happened everyone went, "Oh, yeah, he's a sex-offending necromancer.
"I thought that went without saying.
" And now he's dead, he's never going to People just aren't In this world, we live in a world of Miss Marple and Midsomer Murders where a bad thing happens, then a bungling old biddy sorts it out at the end.
People's brains just I cannot cope with living in a world where people go, "He did it for years and now he's dead, so he got away with it.
" It's grim so let's not dwell on it, but let's see if it's one of the most talked about things over the last week.
- APPLAUSE - Yes.
Yes, the Jimmy Savile paedophile scandal continues.
Jimmy Savile was still working into his eighties.
People used to call him a coffin dodger.
Little did they know.
APPLAUSE What else? There must be something more upbeat we can talk about.
What else are people talking about? (WEARILY) Another Bond movie? Yeah! You don't sound excited.
We've got Homeland now, we don't need Bond.
You've got Homeland, you don't need Bond?! - You've got Homeland, you don't need Bond?! - Yeah.
Homeland's way better than the Bond movies.
What?! What are you saying? I don't know.
I went to see one, Casino Royale, cos they billed it as "it's nothing like Bond, it's totally different".
And it was just another Bond film.
- It was a Bond film.
Your only issue with a Bond film is, "It's just a Bond film!" They go, "It's darker and grittier.
" Oooh.
It'd be darker if he had to get Ryanair flights everywhere.
The sight of Bond kneeling beside the check-in desk stuffing underwear in his pockets.
"You're over eight kilos.
" "Arrgghh!" Judi Dench for the premiere had 007 in diamantes on her neck.
And not a lot of people know yet, she had a vajazzle.
That's how you could hear her coming.
She was sort of crunching down the red carpet.
AUDIENCE GROAN Thanks for putting that image in my head(!) Do you want to take a look at the adrenalin filled trailer for the unashamedly stylish Bond? Yeah? (RACHEL) It does look good.
007 reporting for duty.
Where the hell have you been? Enjoying death.
Bond Theme Song APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Pretty good.
In this one he drinks Heineken, not Martinis.
That's the big fuss about the product placement.
In a scene where he punches a woman, he switches to Stella.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I've never understood product placement for adults.
In children's films, I understand it because children just go, "I want that on a lunch box.
" Are they implying that men will go to a pub and think, "I don't usually drink Heineken "but if I have a pint now, everyone will think I'm James Bond"? Do you want to see a bit more Bond? Let's have a little look.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Waitwait for the next train.
He had a cheap-day return - "Shit, I can't miss that train, I'll have to pay more.
" When he lands on the train, he's effortlessly cool whereas you would've been a bit more - whereas you would've been a bit more - I would have spun and gone, "I'm here!" You would make an amazing Bond.
I would, wouldn't I? I could spin on the train and - I would, wouldn't I? I could spin on the train and - Whoo! Ooh-ooh! My tip for a film, if you're making a film and you get a theme tune, get someone to sing the theme tune who can pronounce some of the words that are in the theme tune.
What's your issue with the theme tune? - What's your issue with the theme tune? - She cannot speak.
Lovely Adele, I won't have a word said against her.
Adele or, as I'm sure she says it, Hawd-awle.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE The first three times I heard it, I thought it was a song about scaffold.
When the scaff-auld I like the fact that Adele sung the theme tune, I like it.
The opening titles of Bond, you always see through the barrel of a gun - I now imagine it's a tube of Pringles.
Aw.
Adele, if you're watching, put those down.
She's making such an effort to seem really working-class, isn't she? Like, "Oh, I'm really down to earth.
" I don't think she's making an effort, I think that comes naturally, but go on.
I want to see her push the pram down the red carpet with a cigarette, "Shut up, Sharon!" That's what I want to see.
I put forward a Bond theme and they didn't go for it.
That's a shame.
What was yours? Bond on a bike, Bond on a boat Bond with his hands round a villain's throat, Skyfall APPLAUSE Bond on a bike Bond on a boat Skyfall, Skyfall Da-da-da-da-da-da, hey! APPLAUSE Is that the best dance routine, Louie or? That's playing the piano.
I would have put a head roll at the end.
Well, let's try it again.
Bond on a bike Bond on a bike Then APPLAUSE Let's see if Bond is up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, the new James Bond film Skyfall was released last Friday.
In the next Bond film, Daniel Craig will face his ultimate nemesis, a younger, cheaper actor.
Sean's team, what have people been talking about over the last week? (MOROSELY) Is it Strictly Come Dancing is back on our screens and lighting up Saturday night for a whole nation of people? I like Strictly, it's fine, but can we get Brucie off it now before something horrendous happens? He's not getting any better.
I don't want to see him go in the middle of a live show.
He is 84, though.
Exactly, let's put him in a home somewhere He's going to do the Children In Need special.
That's fine.
He'll come back for that.
And now we know why Pudsey wears an eye patch, so he can't see half of what goes on at the BBC.
AUDIENCE GROAN APPLAUSE I should do it, I should host it.
What, Strictly? (LISPS) I can't say it, but I could host it.
How come you're not a judge on it? You'd make an excellent judge.
Um, because everybody I would be an excellent judge, you're right.
I would, I'd be fucking great.
I'm on the ice, aren't I? I do the ice.
You can't judge ice and dancing.
Well, I could That would exhaust a man! I could do that! - I could do that! - You couldn't judge the dancing and the icing, no! You'd be empty! You'd have nothing left to give, Louie! I've always got something to give! - I've always got something to give! - What it takes from you to judge the people on the ice, how it sucks from your very marrow, and then to ask you to judge the dancing too, it's too much to ask of one man! I could do it! No, you can't, it's not fair to - No, you can't, it's not fair to - And I could do Britain's Got Talent, I could do whatever you want.
- I could do whatever you want.
- .
.
push you to those limits.
- I could do whatever you want.
- .
.
push you to those limits.
- You can push me where you want! Strictly isn't it just for old people to remember what they did on a Saturday night, like, "Oh, we used to go dancing.
" When I'm old, it'll be Strictly Come Fighting Outside The Kebab Shop.
Would you consider going on it, Rachel? I would suck.
(JON) Would you?! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, I think you'd probably get through.
I did do one hour with a Strictly Come Dancing ex-pro before our wedding.
"I'll treat myself before I make this commitment.
" My husband made me.
Oh, to learn to dance? I'm sorry.
I misunderstood.
David, do you watch Strictly Come Dancing? I am just missing the part of the brain that cares.
APPLAUSE Let's see if Strictly is up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, Strictly Come Dancing is heating up.
Lisa Riley blew everyone away last week.
Well, she shouldn't have had that three-bean casserole for lunch.
Jon, David, Rachel, what else have the nation been talking about? We're getting a new labelling system for food.
It's basically saying, "Poor people are stupid.
" They go into a supermarket and they pick up Haribo Tangfastics and they think it's fruit.
People know what shit food is.
The reason they eat it is because they work all day in an office with people they hate.
They work in a job they're told every day they're going to lose and then they go back to a shitty flat they can't afford to buy and they think, "I don't fancy couscous for tea.
"Do you know what I fancy? A mixing bowl of Viennetta and chips "that I eat with my fist.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What happened there, Jon, it was quite depressing thought, then at the end you pulled it back with Viennetta and chips and everyone went, "Oh!" Shit food is the only joy some people get.
And it's cheap, people buy bad food because it's cheaper.
They go, "Oh, shitty pie, £1.
Lovely.
"This will make me feel temporarily less alone.
" The reason they call it a traffic light system - it's the same as traffic lights on the road.
If it's amber or red, just do it faster and hope no-one sees you.
It's confusing, because the traffic light thing for me, I only think of them as the traffic light parties, where green means you're up for it.
I accidentally fucked a chicken wrap.
I'm not familiar with a traffic light party.
What happens? You wear a green shirt if you're up for it, amber if you're not sure red if you're definitely out.
I've always been a bit of an ambler gambler.
Do you watch the calories, watch what you eat, as a dancer? No, I just exercise, so I don't get fat.
But the thing is, now when people go shopping you'll be looking in their basket.
If they're full of red and they're fat, you'll think, "You greedy fat fucker.
" And if they're going in-between, a bit of amber, a bit of green, you're like, "Well, give them a go," do you know what I mean? If they're all green, you know they're gay or in PR.
You cannot imply that only gay people eat vegetables.
No, but we'd have a lot of green! Have you seen The Food Hospital programme on Channel 4? The Food Hospital? Sick people go there and get cures with different diets and stuff, but it's good for making you eat healthily or just not eat.
It's on at, like, 8pm, so the last couple of times we've been eating and it's on and they're doing this fibre challenge and they keep showing you different pictures of poo, like, while you're trying to eat.
So you're dieting tip is - look at pictures of poo while you're eating.
It puts you off your food.
I think you should find a guy who has more than one channel on his telly.
Come round my house, we'll watch the football, stick The Simpsons on, I've got DVDs.
The whole works.
If you don't like watching shit while you eat, well I'm your man.
APPLAUSE And that is the worst proposition that's ever been made.
That's not one of the most talked about things.
But the government have announced a new food labelling system to promote healthy eating.
Supermarket food is already labelled when it's high in fat, full of salt and has poor nutritional value, and the labels say, "Iceland.
" OK, fingers on buzzers, two more things still to get.
What do you think, Sean? Britain is finally out of double-dip recession.
The recession is over! Out of recession.
And, boy, does that make me feel good.
Yeah.
It's one of those bits of news, information you get, and you think "This doesn't make any difference to people's everyday lives," it's something the press and Government are obsessed with.
It's a bit like the pollen count.
You look at the pollen count and you think, "Why? "Nobody makes a decision based on the pollen count.
" Nobody's ever gone, "Oh, we've cancelled the wedding.
"Well, it's going to be very high pollen count that day.
"And we just can't face it, "we just can't do it.
" It's one of those pieces of information, you go GDP has grown by 1% in the third quarter of this year, so Most people don't even know what GDP is.
Do you know what GDP is? Oh, sure.
- Oh, sure.
- What is it? Gross domestic product.
Yeah, but what is that? The gross domestic product is like the things that we make in houses that are disgusting.
Is that it? APPLAUSE It is a coincidence, isn't it, that someone started paying tax again and the country's out of recession? LAUGHTER AND CHEERING You're welcome.
The worst thing about the recession is, I read this week, Argos is closing stores and they're going digital.
No No more Argos catalogues.
What am I supposed to do in the toilet? If there's no Argos catalogue to play the Argos game where you flick through and go, "Ah! Ah, treadmill!" The joy for me with Argos was it's like a shop but much more like a bookie's in that you study the form and you're like, "I'm gonna take a punt on that.
" Then you go over to the big screen and you're like, "Come on, 167!" Electric blanket! Joe, you pleased we're out of recession? Yeah.
The thing is, they said that the Olympics, it was obviously to do with that, but the Olympics was about ã300 million under budget.
I've worked out that that is roughly a fiver for everybody.
So if they gave us all a fiver, that's a Boots meal deal, innit? I love a Boots meal deal.
If get yourself a meal deal, for heaven's sake get an Innocent smoothie - it's the price of the meal deal alone.
Your sandwich and crisps for free! I hate Innocent.
I hate their ads and when you read the side of the Innocent smoothie.
They're majority owned by Coca-Cola and you read the side and it's like, "We found a bucket of fruit on our farm "and a cow said it was yummy.
Ah-ha-ha-ha" Smokestacks in a forest with men with top hats pointing at pictures of Third World countries going - It's called Innocent smoothie.
You've fallen for the oldest trick in the book, give it a nice name! There's probably people making those smoothies being lashed, going, "Squash more fruit!" OK, let's see if Britain coming out of recession is one of the top five talking points.
Yes, it's been revealed Britain's finally come out of the double-dip recession.
To put this into perspective, if the economy was your grandad, he's come out of his coma, but I wouldn't buy him a Christmas present just yet.
AUDIENCE GROAN OK, fingers on buzzers, one more thing to get.
What do you think, Sean? Is it the new iPad Mini? They've released a new iPad that's not an iPhone or an iPad, it's somewhere in-between.
An iPad Mini.
A little iPad.
It's only seven inches or something like that.
What's the point? - What you mean only seven inches? You've got your phone and your pad, why have something in-between? It's like brunch, isn't it? I really want one.
They could release anything and I really want to buy it.
They could release like the i-Infection, and I just want it.
David, are you going to get one? I got an iPad, and the slogan should be, "Like a shit computer.
" Because my computer does everything better than it, so the only possible use for an iPad would be as a very luxurious chopping board and then maybe you could have a comedy playing to counteract the onion crying.
And the whole thing would balance out.
Either that or maybe I'll get six of them and tile my hall with them and when I answer the front door, it'll be like Michael Jackson in Billie Jean.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Rachel, are you going to get one of these? I had this debate with my husband.
I still don't see the point cos once you've got the other sizes, it doesn't do anything extra, does it? But I get his cast-offs.
So whenever he buys the new one, I get the old one.
I might encourage him to get one.
You get the old one once he's finished with it? - You get the old one once he's finished with it? - Yeah.
You're earning, aren't you? Yeah, but do I need another one of a different size or do I buy a pair of shoes? It's a no-brainer.
Are we still talking about the iPad or your husband now? If you need a smaller one, I'm willing to step in.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Let's see if the iPad Mini is one of the most talked about things.
APPLAUSE Yes.
Yes, indeed.
Apple have announced the release of the new iPad Mini.
Experts think it will be the most popular gift this Christmas, so if you work in a Chinese sweat shop, that tea-break might just have to wait.
So, those were the most talked-about things this week.
In other news, Conservative chief whip Andrew Mitchell resigned after being accused of calling police officers plebs.
People say pleb is the worst thing he could have called the policemen.
They've forgotten about scum, peeler, plod, pig, bacon, rozzer, five-oh, filth, dibble, busy, fuzz, tit-head and (BLEEP).
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a Brazilian student has sold her virginity this week for £500,000.
"I'm not a prostitute," said the 20-year-old Brazilian prostitute.
At the end of that round, Sean, Joe and Louie have four points, Jon, Rachel and David have one point.
APPLAUSE That's it for part one, see you after the break.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
This is Pick Of The Polls.
John, Rachel, David, your turn first.
What do you like the look of? RACHEL: Can we go for the pumpkin one, please? It is Halloween on Wednesday.
So we asked our studio audience: What do you think? It's a Wednesday this year, so you can't even have a party, really.
Why can't you party on a Wednesday? Well, you could, but it wouldn't be a very good one.
You ain't never been to one of my Wednesday parties.
LAUGHTER Stay in and watch Crimewatch.
Ooh, yeah! I went as Uma Thurman - the Kill Bill outfit - one year but it was just a plastic jumpsuit and it was the hottest thing.
It was horrible.
That is the hottest thing I've heard! LAUGHTER Do you ever dress up? Yes.
What is your? Name one of your costumes.
Oh, not for Halloween.
That is my Tuesday parties.
I dress up like a chef sometimes, when I'm cooking tea.
I get out one of my old chefs outfits.
John is confusing sitting at home on his own with a dinner with a party.
That is what John thinks a party is - having some food and a drink.
I am interested in dressing up as a chef.
Is that just to cook your tea? Yes.
- Yes.
- Just dressing up on your own? Do you have the full? - Do you have the full? - I've got the checked pants and the white thing and an apron and a little hat.
Sometimes I think, know what, I'll be in a here all day get a bottle of wine out.
All day doing Findus crispy pancakes? It only takes half an hour.
My only fear is dying in the middle of it and getting found.
Obviously that would look ridiculous.
What if someone came to the door? Never happened.
LAUGHTER Louis, do you get dressed up on Halloween? I have.
What was your finest hour? - What was your finest hour? - I think my pussy.
LAUGHTER A cat costume because you were in I was in Cats, so I have the original Magical Mr Mistoffelees.
I slip him on.
You didn't go dressed as a pussy because that is terrifying to you? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sean, are you a fan? - Sean, are you a fan? - I was very surprised by it.
It sort of seemed to appear suddenly about ten years ago, this excitement about Halloween.
When I grew up, there was no mention of it.
You know? There was Satanic rituals .
.
that we'd go to.
Satanic rituals? Animals and the youngest boy-child of the village.
We wouldn't call it Halloween.
It was very much about our Lord Satan and thanking him for a year of evil.
Suddenly, suddenly Thank you.
Thank you, Reverend.
I'll see you at the next lodge meeting.
I'll be wearing the golden hooves.
How do you deal with trick-or-treaters then, do people come and knock on the door with their cheery faces? Yes, I give them sweets.
I give them sweets.
The weird thing is, you have a bowl of sweets and some kids just go and that is when you have to show them Bad Sean.
I like it now that you get Creme Eggs, and they start calling them Scream Eggs.
That means it's time for Halloween.
But there is no other ones you can do.
I have thought.
I have written to all the chocolate companies.
The only one I have come up with is BOO!-st! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I love it.
OK, so, let us get some answers.
What do you think? Are this audience looking forward to Halloween? I don't think people give a rat's ass, Jimmy, no.
OK.
What you think? Does our audience look forward to it? Yes.
Yes.
OK.
I can tell you the answer is yes.
APPLAUSE David Beckham is going to get a huge shock this Halloween.
He's going to wake up next to a skeleton.
Sean, Joe, Louis, what do you like the look of? The woman.
OK, so here's your related question.
False.
Who would want to be centre of attention? I mean, really! I mean, of all the people you know, Sean, who would want to be centre of attenzione? Sit still, Louis! I don't mean to draw attention to myself or anything.
I mean, really! I don't like to be centre of attention or anything.
OK.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I don't think he can get up now.
AUDIENCE GROANS AND APPLAUDS Luckily, I have early-onset Alzheimer's.
What was the question, Jimmy? Most people love being the centre of attention? I think most people don't like it, do they? That is why they have pricks like us to take that space.
Do you like it? - Do you like it? - We obviously do, that is why we are sitting here with the lights on.
I've got my special shirt on, Jimmy has lost that fat around his throat.
He used a have a big fat throat.
What about you, Joe? Do you enjoy the limelight? Yes and no because there is good attention and bad attention I was going into Lidl.
I love Lidl.
And this old lady came up with her husband and looked at me for about 10 seconds, which is a bit too long, so I thought I had been recognised.
After 10 seconds she turned to her husband and went, "We forgot to buy faggots.
" The only time I got papped was in Lidl.
Really? - Really? - Yes.
You got papped in Lidl? - You got papped in Lidl? - Yes.
I had just been to the gym and was in gym stuff and they followed us to the gym and we went to Lidl to buy ham and smoked salmon and went home.
By, you have the time, now you're married! "Shall we go to the gym and then buy ham? Yeah!" This is why I can't keep a girlfriend.
I'll take them to the gym but then I tend to go back.
I didn't know about the ham move.
Last week in Brighton, a person with a camera taking photographs, sitting outside a pub for ages.
They took loads and loads of photographs and I went and said, "I'm trying to have a drink with my friends.
" And the guy went, "It's just that I love you in The IT Crowd "and my wife loves you in Bridesmaids.
" That is a completely different Irish person called Chris O'Dowd.
How many of you are there? Just the two and we come over here and one has to look after Ireland and the other comes here.
Oh, PUMP-Kinder Surprise! Woo! APPLAUSE John, do you like to be the centre of attention? I like to be the centre of a tension! That is different.
Go to people's house parties and just spread shit.
Get the woman on her own in the kitchen and say, "I've just been talking to Mark and he says it's not going very well.
"I think you should have a word with him about it in front of everyone.
"Down the wine first.
Finish your wine, then have it out with him.
" That sort of thing I like, just standing back going ha! "I did this.
All this.
" We'll get answers on this.
People love being the centre of attention.
True or false? What are you going to go for? I say no, false.
What are you going to go with? - What are you going to go with? - False.
Well, I can tell you the answer is false.
APPLAUSE Personally, I find it annoying when people always want to be the centre of attention.
"Oh, look at me, I'm bleeding.
Oh, call an ambulance.
" Can we not just talk about me for a bit? If you really do crave being the centre of attention, I can recommend a very good accountant.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So, at the end of that round, it is six points for Sean's team and two points for John's team.
That is all for Part Two.
See you after the break.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here is your question.
Is that a gun in your pocket or is your penis shaped like a gun? LAUGHTER We go to the same bar.
If I wanted to chat in a bar, I would take a friend whose opinions I respected.
I would not sidle up to an alcoholic.
I can see the flaw in that plan! John, imagine you were in a bar with Rachel.
How would you start a conversation? Where did you get all those bags of ham? LAUGHTER I can't believe we're finally talking, I've been following you for fucking years.
What are you doing there, out of interest? Just warming a dog.
Driving an old-fashioned tram.
A forklift! John is in a forklift.
She's in Lidl.
He's stacking the shelves in Lidl.
So, Rachel, presumably before you got married you were in bars, picking up dudes.
Yes.
I always talk to people with dogs.
If you want to cuddle the dog, you have to ask, don't you? It is amazing how much people will talk to you if you throw beer in a dog's face.
Everyone talks to you.
Just throw a pint of beer in a dog's face and people start talking to you.
The first thing they say is, "What are you doing?!" And then you say, "Conversation starter.
" Yes, "Fancied a chat "Fancied a chat and I think there is something wrong "with the taps in here.
Barman, you need to change the barrel.
" Then you are off.
Everybody is chatting.
Shall we call the police? Shall we get help? Usually the conversation is, "I'm blind and now my dog is drunk.
Brilliant!" If you are talking about something and you mention their mother and they go, "My mother is dead.
" You just go Beer in the dog's face.
Then it's forgotten.
Gone.
The awkwardness over the mother, forgotten.
"Why did you throw the beer in the dog's face?" If you're talking about something really awkward, just go Or I lie.
I tell lies.
I'll go to someone and say, "I wrote the Birdie Song.
"Not all of it.
I didn't write all of it.
"I got stuck on diddle-iddle-iddle.
" "I got this guy in, this top songwriter in.
"He used to work with all the greats and he came up with the duh-duh-duh.
"I gave him 40 percent.
" Within a minute, everyone is chatting and you get bored and throw a beer in a dog's face.
OK, best way to start a conversation in a bar? Buy them a drink.
Offer to buy a drink is number two.
What are the other things people say? What is number five? Tell me number five, Jimmy! Ask to borrow a lighter.
A good way to start a conversation.
(AGGRESSIVELY) "Could I borrow your lighter?" Yes, not like that, Sean.
Well, there is loud music playing in the pub.
I have to shout.
(SHOUTING) "Bloody loud music in here, can I borrow your lighter?" "I SAID 'LIGHTER', YOU STUPID PRICK!" I will give you a clue.
It would make them feel good.
You look lovely.
- You look lovely.
- That is the right answer.
APPLAUSE Yes, the best way to start a conversation in a bar is to pay someone a compliment.
Also on the list is buy a bottle of champagne which, for viewers in Scotland, is a kind of sparkling wine made from grapes.
They are a type of fruit.
It is a type of food.
BUZZER Well, that sound tells me it is the end of the round and the end of the show.
The final scores are: Jon, Rachel and David have two.
Sean, Joe and Louis have seven and are tonight's winners! CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Wait, I have got another one.
David O'Doherty, ladies and gentlemen.
SCARE-O.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Thanks to our panellists, our studio audience and you at home.
That is it from us.
Good night!
And facing them tonight, go figure, it's Rachel Riley, OMG, it's DOD - David O'Doherty, and their team captain, Jon Richardson.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 9 out of 10 children visit McDonald's once a month? What's that thing that all the kids get in McDonald's? Oh, yeah, fat.
68% of men start conversations with strangers while queuing for the toilet.
I wish people would just mind their pees and queue.
And 27% of people keep a weapon by the bed to protect themselves against intruders.
I don't have a weapon.
Instead, I sleep in stockings and suspenders and if I'm burgled, I just throw back the covers and say, "What kept you?" Right, let's get started.
CHEERING What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
Panellists guess the public's top five most popular talking points.
Sean's team, what have the nation been talking about in the last week? Hmm, well.
What do you think? There's that big story that's been knocking about for a few weeks now.
I think I might know the one you mean.
- I think I might know the one you mean.
- It's the Jimmy Savile scandal.
- I think I might know the one you mean.
- It's the Jimmy Savile scandal.
- Oh.
That's been on the front of every newspaper.
You read these stories about the horrendous things he's done.
You go, I mean, a story's now emerging of necrophilia.
I remember hearing that story years ago and you're thinking, "When you're using necrophilia as a smoke screen, "something must be wrong!" How does a hospital Who the hell runs a hospital that lets someone, "Yeah, let him have a key to the mortuary, that's fine.
"He wants to go in the mortuary, he does a lot of stuff for us, "let him have the key.
" I'm disgusted, I've handed back my key.
The spokesperson APPLAUSE You know that noise - you can do it, Jon - Savile used to make? What was that weird? I've sort of retired that impression, to be honest.
APPLAUSE John Simpson this week said, "It's the biggest scandal at the BBC for 50 years.
" Yeah, no shit! The hideous thing is, the number of people who knew about it and didn't do anything.
Like, usually when something like this happens, people go, "Well, he seemed like such a lovely bloke.
" But when this happened everyone went, "Oh, yeah, he's a sex-offending necromancer.
"I thought that went without saying.
" And now he's dead, he's never going to People just aren't In this world, we live in a world of Miss Marple and Midsomer Murders where a bad thing happens, then a bungling old biddy sorts it out at the end.
People's brains just I cannot cope with living in a world where people go, "He did it for years and now he's dead, so he got away with it.
" It's grim so let's not dwell on it, but let's see if it's one of the most talked about things over the last week.
- APPLAUSE - Yes.
Yes, the Jimmy Savile paedophile scandal continues.
Jimmy Savile was still working into his eighties.
People used to call him a coffin dodger.
Little did they know.
APPLAUSE What else? There must be something more upbeat we can talk about.
What else are people talking about? (WEARILY) Another Bond movie? Yeah! You don't sound excited.
We've got Homeland now, we don't need Bond.
You've got Homeland, you don't need Bond?! - You've got Homeland, you don't need Bond?! - Yeah.
Homeland's way better than the Bond movies.
What?! What are you saying? I don't know.
I went to see one, Casino Royale, cos they billed it as "it's nothing like Bond, it's totally different".
And it was just another Bond film.
- It was a Bond film.
Your only issue with a Bond film is, "It's just a Bond film!" They go, "It's darker and grittier.
" Oooh.
It'd be darker if he had to get Ryanair flights everywhere.
The sight of Bond kneeling beside the check-in desk stuffing underwear in his pockets.
"You're over eight kilos.
" "Arrgghh!" Judi Dench for the premiere had 007 in diamantes on her neck.
And not a lot of people know yet, she had a vajazzle.
That's how you could hear her coming.
She was sort of crunching down the red carpet.
AUDIENCE GROAN Thanks for putting that image in my head(!) Do you want to take a look at the adrenalin filled trailer for the unashamedly stylish Bond? Yeah? (RACHEL) It does look good.
007 reporting for duty.
Where the hell have you been? Enjoying death.
Bond Theme Song APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Pretty good.
In this one he drinks Heineken, not Martinis.
That's the big fuss about the product placement.
In a scene where he punches a woman, he switches to Stella.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I've never understood product placement for adults.
In children's films, I understand it because children just go, "I want that on a lunch box.
" Are they implying that men will go to a pub and think, "I don't usually drink Heineken "but if I have a pint now, everyone will think I'm James Bond"? Do you want to see a bit more Bond? Let's have a little look.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Waitwait for the next train.
He had a cheap-day return - "Shit, I can't miss that train, I'll have to pay more.
" When he lands on the train, he's effortlessly cool whereas you would've been a bit more - whereas you would've been a bit more - I would have spun and gone, "I'm here!" You would make an amazing Bond.
I would, wouldn't I? I could spin on the train and - I would, wouldn't I? I could spin on the train and - Whoo! Ooh-ooh! My tip for a film, if you're making a film and you get a theme tune, get someone to sing the theme tune who can pronounce some of the words that are in the theme tune.
What's your issue with the theme tune? - What's your issue with the theme tune? - She cannot speak.
Lovely Adele, I won't have a word said against her.
Adele or, as I'm sure she says it, Hawd-awle.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE The first three times I heard it, I thought it was a song about scaffold.
When the scaff-auld I like the fact that Adele sung the theme tune, I like it.
The opening titles of Bond, you always see through the barrel of a gun - I now imagine it's a tube of Pringles.
Aw.
Adele, if you're watching, put those down.
She's making such an effort to seem really working-class, isn't she? Like, "Oh, I'm really down to earth.
" I don't think she's making an effort, I think that comes naturally, but go on.
I want to see her push the pram down the red carpet with a cigarette, "Shut up, Sharon!" That's what I want to see.
I put forward a Bond theme and they didn't go for it.
That's a shame.
What was yours? Bond on a bike, Bond on a boat Bond with his hands round a villain's throat, Skyfall APPLAUSE Bond on a bike Bond on a boat Skyfall, Skyfall Da-da-da-da-da-da, hey! APPLAUSE Is that the best dance routine, Louie or? That's playing the piano.
I would have put a head roll at the end.
Well, let's try it again.
Bond on a bike Bond on a bike Then APPLAUSE Let's see if Bond is up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, the new James Bond film Skyfall was released last Friday.
In the next Bond film, Daniel Craig will face his ultimate nemesis, a younger, cheaper actor.
Sean's team, what have people been talking about over the last week? (MOROSELY) Is it Strictly Come Dancing is back on our screens and lighting up Saturday night for a whole nation of people? I like Strictly, it's fine, but can we get Brucie off it now before something horrendous happens? He's not getting any better.
I don't want to see him go in the middle of a live show.
He is 84, though.
Exactly, let's put him in a home somewhere He's going to do the Children In Need special.
That's fine.
He'll come back for that.
And now we know why Pudsey wears an eye patch, so he can't see half of what goes on at the BBC.
AUDIENCE GROAN APPLAUSE I should do it, I should host it.
What, Strictly? (LISPS) I can't say it, but I could host it.
How come you're not a judge on it? You'd make an excellent judge.
Um, because everybody I would be an excellent judge, you're right.
I would, I'd be fucking great.
I'm on the ice, aren't I? I do the ice.
You can't judge ice and dancing.
Well, I could That would exhaust a man! I could do that! - I could do that! - You couldn't judge the dancing and the icing, no! You'd be empty! You'd have nothing left to give, Louie! I've always got something to give! - I've always got something to give! - What it takes from you to judge the people on the ice, how it sucks from your very marrow, and then to ask you to judge the dancing too, it's too much to ask of one man! I could do it! No, you can't, it's not fair to - No, you can't, it's not fair to - And I could do Britain's Got Talent, I could do whatever you want.
- I could do whatever you want.
- .
.
push you to those limits.
- I could do whatever you want.
- .
.
push you to those limits.
- You can push me where you want! Strictly isn't it just for old people to remember what they did on a Saturday night, like, "Oh, we used to go dancing.
" When I'm old, it'll be Strictly Come Fighting Outside The Kebab Shop.
Would you consider going on it, Rachel? I would suck.
(JON) Would you?! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, I think you'd probably get through.
I did do one hour with a Strictly Come Dancing ex-pro before our wedding.
"I'll treat myself before I make this commitment.
" My husband made me.
Oh, to learn to dance? I'm sorry.
I misunderstood.
David, do you watch Strictly Come Dancing? I am just missing the part of the brain that cares.
APPLAUSE Let's see if Strictly is up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, Strictly Come Dancing is heating up.
Lisa Riley blew everyone away last week.
Well, she shouldn't have had that three-bean casserole for lunch.
Jon, David, Rachel, what else have the nation been talking about? We're getting a new labelling system for food.
It's basically saying, "Poor people are stupid.
" They go into a supermarket and they pick up Haribo Tangfastics and they think it's fruit.
People know what shit food is.
The reason they eat it is because they work all day in an office with people they hate.
They work in a job they're told every day they're going to lose and then they go back to a shitty flat they can't afford to buy and they think, "I don't fancy couscous for tea.
"Do you know what I fancy? A mixing bowl of Viennetta and chips "that I eat with my fist.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What happened there, Jon, it was quite depressing thought, then at the end you pulled it back with Viennetta and chips and everyone went, "Oh!" Shit food is the only joy some people get.
And it's cheap, people buy bad food because it's cheaper.
They go, "Oh, shitty pie, £1.
Lovely.
"This will make me feel temporarily less alone.
" The reason they call it a traffic light system - it's the same as traffic lights on the road.
If it's amber or red, just do it faster and hope no-one sees you.
It's confusing, because the traffic light thing for me, I only think of them as the traffic light parties, where green means you're up for it.
I accidentally fucked a chicken wrap.
I'm not familiar with a traffic light party.
What happens? You wear a green shirt if you're up for it, amber if you're not sure red if you're definitely out.
I've always been a bit of an ambler gambler.
Do you watch the calories, watch what you eat, as a dancer? No, I just exercise, so I don't get fat.
But the thing is, now when people go shopping you'll be looking in their basket.
If they're full of red and they're fat, you'll think, "You greedy fat fucker.
" And if they're going in-between, a bit of amber, a bit of green, you're like, "Well, give them a go," do you know what I mean? If they're all green, you know they're gay or in PR.
You cannot imply that only gay people eat vegetables.
No, but we'd have a lot of green! Have you seen The Food Hospital programme on Channel 4? The Food Hospital? Sick people go there and get cures with different diets and stuff, but it's good for making you eat healthily or just not eat.
It's on at, like, 8pm, so the last couple of times we've been eating and it's on and they're doing this fibre challenge and they keep showing you different pictures of poo, like, while you're trying to eat.
So you're dieting tip is - look at pictures of poo while you're eating.
It puts you off your food.
I think you should find a guy who has more than one channel on his telly.
Come round my house, we'll watch the football, stick The Simpsons on, I've got DVDs.
The whole works.
If you don't like watching shit while you eat, well I'm your man.
APPLAUSE And that is the worst proposition that's ever been made.
That's not one of the most talked about things.
But the government have announced a new food labelling system to promote healthy eating.
Supermarket food is already labelled when it's high in fat, full of salt and has poor nutritional value, and the labels say, "Iceland.
" OK, fingers on buzzers, two more things still to get.
What do you think, Sean? Britain is finally out of double-dip recession.
The recession is over! Out of recession.
And, boy, does that make me feel good.
Yeah.
It's one of those bits of news, information you get, and you think "This doesn't make any difference to people's everyday lives," it's something the press and Government are obsessed with.
It's a bit like the pollen count.
You look at the pollen count and you think, "Why? "Nobody makes a decision based on the pollen count.
" Nobody's ever gone, "Oh, we've cancelled the wedding.
"Well, it's going to be very high pollen count that day.
"And we just can't face it, "we just can't do it.
" It's one of those pieces of information, you go GDP has grown by 1% in the third quarter of this year, so Most people don't even know what GDP is.
Do you know what GDP is? Oh, sure.
- Oh, sure.
- What is it? Gross domestic product.
Yeah, but what is that? The gross domestic product is like the things that we make in houses that are disgusting.
Is that it? APPLAUSE It is a coincidence, isn't it, that someone started paying tax again and the country's out of recession? LAUGHTER AND CHEERING You're welcome.
The worst thing about the recession is, I read this week, Argos is closing stores and they're going digital.
No No more Argos catalogues.
What am I supposed to do in the toilet? If there's no Argos catalogue to play the Argos game where you flick through and go, "Ah! Ah, treadmill!" The joy for me with Argos was it's like a shop but much more like a bookie's in that you study the form and you're like, "I'm gonna take a punt on that.
" Then you go over to the big screen and you're like, "Come on, 167!" Electric blanket! Joe, you pleased we're out of recession? Yeah.
The thing is, they said that the Olympics, it was obviously to do with that, but the Olympics was about ã300 million under budget.
I've worked out that that is roughly a fiver for everybody.
So if they gave us all a fiver, that's a Boots meal deal, innit? I love a Boots meal deal.
If get yourself a meal deal, for heaven's sake get an Innocent smoothie - it's the price of the meal deal alone.
Your sandwich and crisps for free! I hate Innocent.
I hate their ads and when you read the side of the Innocent smoothie.
They're majority owned by Coca-Cola and you read the side and it's like, "We found a bucket of fruit on our farm "and a cow said it was yummy.
Ah-ha-ha-ha" Smokestacks in a forest with men with top hats pointing at pictures of Third World countries going - It's called Innocent smoothie.
You've fallen for the oldest trick in the book, give it a nice name! There's probably people making those smoothies being lashed, going, "Squash more fruit!" OK, let's see if Britain coming out of recession is one of the top five talking points.
Yes, it's been revealed Britain's finally come out of the double-dip recession.
To put this into perspective, if the economy was your grandad, he's come out of his coma, but I wouldn't buy him a Christmas present just yet.
AUDIENCE GROAN OK, fingers on buzzers, one more thing to get.
What do you think, Sean? Is it the new iPad Mini? They've released a new iPad that's not an iPhone or an iPad, it's somewhere in-between.
An iPad Mini.
A little iPad.
It's only seven inches or something like that.
What's the point? - What you mean only seven inches? You've got your phone and your pad, why have something in-between? It's like brunch, isn't it? I really want one.
They could release anything and I really want to buy it.
They could release like the i-Infection, and I just want it.
David, are you going to get one? I got an iPad, and the slogan should be, "Like a shit computer.
" Because my computer does everything better than it, so the only possible use for an iPad would be as a very luxurious chopping board and then maybe you could have a comedy playing to counteract the onion crying.
And the whole thing would balance out.
Either that or maybe I'll get six of them and tile my hall with them and when I answer the front door, it'll be like Michael Jackson in Billie Jean.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Rachel, are you going to get one of these? I had this debate with my husband.
I still don't see the point cos once you've got the other sizes, it doesn't do anything extra, does it? But I get his cast-offs.
So whenever he buys the new one, I get the old one.
I might encourage him to get one.
You get the old one once he's finished with it? - You get the old one once he's finished with it? - Yeah.
You're earning, aren't you? Yeah, but do I need another one of a different size or do I buy a pair of shoes? It's a no-brainer.
Are we still talking about the iPad or your husband now? If you need a smaller one, I'm willing to step in.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Let's see if the iPad Mini is one of the most talked about things.
APPLAUSE Yes.
Yes, indeed.
Apple have announced the release of the new iPad Mini.
Experts think it will be the most popular gift this Christmas, so if you work in a Chinese sweat shop, that tea-break might just have to wait.
So, those were the most talked-about things this week.
In other news, Conservative chief whip Andrew Mitchell resigned after being accused of calling police officers plebs.
People say pleb is the worst thing he could have called the policemen.
They've forgotten about scum, peeler, plod, pig, bacon, rozzer, five-oh, filth, dibble, busy, fuzz, tit-head and (BLEEP).
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a Brazilian student has sold her virginity this week for £500,000.
"I'm not a prostitute," said the 20-year-old Brazilian prostitute.
At the end of that round, Sean, Joe and Louie have four points, Jon, Rachel and David have one point.
APPLAUSE That's it for part one, see you after the break.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
This is Pick Of The Polls.
John, Rachel, David, your turn first.
What do you like the look of? RACHEL: Can we go for the pumpkin one, please? It is Halloween on Wednesday.
So we asked our studio audience: What do you think? It's a Wednesday this year, so you can't even have a party, really.
Why can't you party on a Wednesday? Well, you could, but it wouldn't be a very good one.
You ain't never been to one of my Wednesday parties.
LAUGHTER Stay in and watch Crimewatch.
Ooh, yeah! I went as Uma Thurman - the Kill Bill outfit - one year but it was just a plastic jumpsuit and it was the hottest thing.
It was horrible.
That is the hottest thing I've heard! LAUGHTER Do you ever dress up? Yes.
What is your? Name one of your costumes.
Oh, not for Halloween.
That is my Tuesday parties.
I dress up like a chef sometimes, when I'm cooking tea.
I get out one of my old chefs outfits.
John is confusing sitting at home on his own with a dinner with a party.
That is what John thinks a party is - having some food and a drink.
I am interested in dressing up as a chef.
Is that just to cook your tea? Yes.
- Yes.
- Just dressing up on your own? Do you have the full? - Do you have the full? - I've got the checked pants and the white thing and an apron and a little hat.
Sometimes I think, know what, I'll be in a here all day get a bottle of wine out.
All day doing Findus crispy pancakes? It only takes half an hour.
My only fear is dying in the middle of it and getting found.
Obviously that would look ridiculous.
What if someone came to the door? Never happened.
LAUGHTER Louis, do you get dressed up on Halloween? I have.
What was your finest hour? - What was your finest hour? - I think my pussy.
LAUGHTER A cat costume because you were in I was in Cats, so I have the original Magical Mr Mistoffelees.
I slip him on.
You didn't go dressed as a pussy because that is terrifying to you? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sean, are you a fan? - Sean, are you a fan? - I was very surprised by it.
It sort of seemed to appear suddenly about ten years ago, this excitement about Halloween.
When I grew up, there was no mention of it.
You know? There was Satanic rituals .
.
that we'd go to.
Satanic rituals? Animals and the youngest boy-child of the village.
We wouldn't call it Halloween.
It was very much about our Lord Satan and thanking him for a year of evil.
Suddenly, suddenly Thank you.
Thank you, Reverend.
I'll see you at the next lodge meeting.
I'll be wearing the golden hooves.
How do you deal with trick-or-treaters then, do people come and knock on the door with their cheery faces? Yes, I give them sweets.
I give them sweets.
The weird thing is, you have a bowl of sweets and some kids just go and that is when you have to show them Bad Sean.
I like it now that you get Creme Eggs, and they start calling them Scream Eggs.
That means it's time for Halloween.
But there is no other ones you can do.
I have thought.
I have written to all the chocolate companies.
The only one I have come up with is BOO!-st! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I love it.
OK, so, let us get some answers.
What do you think? Are this audience looking forward to Halloween? I don't think people give a rat's ass, Jimmy, no.
OK.
What you think? Does our audience look forward to it? Yes.
Yes.
OK.
I can tell you the answer is yes.
APPLAUSE David Beckham is going to get a huge shock this Halloween.
He's going to wake up next to a skeleton.
Sean, Joe, Louis, what do you like the look of? The woman.
OK, so here's your related question.
False.
Who would want to be centre of attention? I mean, really! I mean, of all the people you know, Sean, who would want to be centre of attenzione? Sit still, Louis! I don't mean to draw attention to myself or anything.
I mean, really! I don't like to be centre of attention or anything.
OK.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I don't think he can get up now.
AUDIENCE GROANS AND APPLAUDS Luckily, I have early-onset Alzheimer's.
What was the question, Jimmy? Most people love being the centre of attention? I think most people don't like it, do they? That is why they have pricks like us to take that space.
Do you like it? - Do you like it? - We obviously do, that is why we are sitting here with the lights on.
I've got my special shirt on, Jimmy has lost that fat around his throat.
He used a have a big fat throat.
What about you, Joe? Do you enjoy the limelight? Yes and no because there is good attention and bad attention I was going into Lidl.
I love Lidl.
And this old lady came up with her husband and looked at me for about 10 seconds, which is a bit too long, so I thought I had been recognised.
After 10 seconds she turned to her husband and went, "We forgot to buy faggots.
" The only time I got papped was in Lidl.
Really? - Really? - Yes.
You got papped in Lidl? - You got papped in Lidl? - Yes.
I had just been to the gym and was in gym stuff and they followed us to the gym and we went to Lidl to buy ham and smoked salmon and went home.
By, you have the time, now you're married! "Shall we go to the gym and then buy ham? Yeah!" This is why I can't keep a girlfriend.
I'll take them to the gym but then I tend to go back.
I didn't know about the ham move.
Last week in Brighton, a person with a camera taking photographs, sitting outside a pub for ages.
They took loads and loads of photographs and I went and said, "I'm trying to have a drink with my friends.
" And the guy went, "It's just that I love you in The IT Crowd "and my wife loves you in Bridesmaids.
" That is a completely different Irish person called Chris O'Dowd.
How many of you are there? Just the two and we come over here and one has to look after Ireland and the other comes here.
Oh, PUMP-Kinder Surprise! Woo! APPLAUSE John, do you like to be the centre of attention? I like to be the centre of a tension! That is different.
Go to people's house parties and just spread shit.
Get the woman on her own in the kitchen and say, "I've just been talking to Mark and he says it's not going very well.
"I think you should have a word with him about it in front of everyone.
"Down the wine first.
Finish your wine, then have it out with him.
" That sort of thing I like, just standing back going ha! "I did this.
All this.
" We'll get answers on this.
People love being the centre of attention.
True or false? What are you going to go for? I say no, false.
What are you going to go with? - What are you going to go with? - False.
Well, I can tell you the answer is false.
APPLAUSE Personally, I find it annoying when people always want to be the centre of attention.
"Oh, look at me, I'm bleeding.
Oh, call an ambulance.
" Can we not just talk about me for a bit? If you really do crave being the centre of attention, I can recommend a very good accountant.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So, at the end of that round, it is six points for Sean's team and two points for John's team.
That is all for Part Two.
See you after the break.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here is your question.
Is that a gun in your pocket or is your penis shaped like a gun? LAUGHTER We go to the same bar.
If I wanted to chat in a bar, I would take a friend whose opinions I respected.
I would not sidle up to an alcoholic.
I can see the flaw in that plan! John, imagine you were in a bar with Rachel.
How would you start a conversation? Where did you get all those bags of ham? LAUGHTER I can't believe we're finally talking, I've been following you for fucking years.
What are you doing there, out of interest? Just warming a dog.
Driving an old-fashioned tram.
A forklift! John is in a forklift.
She's in Lidl.
He's stacking the shelves in Lidl.
So, Rachel, presumably before you got married you were in bars, picking up dudes.
Yes.
I always talk to people with dogs.
If you want to cuddle the dog, you have to ask, don't you? It is amazing how much people will talk to you if you throw beer in a dog's face.
Everyone talks to you.
Just throw a pint of beer in a dog's face and people start talking to you.
The first thing they say is, "What are you doing?!" And then you say, "Conversation starter.
" Yes, "Fancied a chat "Fancied a chat and I think there is something wrong "with the taps in here.
Barman, you need to change the barrel.
" Then you are off.
Everybody is chatting.
Shall we call the police? Shall we get help? Usually the conversation is, "I'm blind and now my dog is drunk.
Brilliant!" If you are talking about something and you mention their mother and they go, "My mother is dead.
" You just go Beer in the dog's face.
Then it's forgotten.
Gone.
The awkwardness over the mother, forgotten.
"Why did you throw the beer in the dog's face?" If you're talking about something really awkward, just go Or I lie.
I tell lies.
I'll go to someone and say, "I wrote the Birdie Song.
"Not all of it.
I didn't write all of it.
"I got stuck on diddle-iddle-iddle.
" "I got this guy in, this top songwriter in.
"He used to work with all the greats and he came up with the duh-duh-duh.
"I gave him 40 percent.
" Within a minute, everyone is chatting and you get bored and throw a beer in a dog's face.
OK, best way to start a conversation in a bar? Buy them a drink.
Offer to buy a drink is number two.
What are the other things people say? What is number five? Tell me number five, Jimmy! Ask to borrow a lighter.
A good way to start a conversation.
(AGGRESSIVELY) "Could I borrow your lighter?" Yes, not like that, Sean.
Well, there is loud music playing in the pub.
I have to shout.
(SHOUTING) "Bloody loud music in here, can I borrow your lighter?" "I SAID 'LIGHTER', YOU STUPID PRICK!" I will give you a clue.
It would make them feel good.
You look lovely.
- You look lovely.
- That is the right answer.
APPLAUSE Yes, the best way to start a conversation in a bar is to pay someone a compliment.
Also on the list is buy a bottle of champagne which, for viewers in Scotland, is a kind of sparkling wine made from grapes.
They are a type of fruit.
It is a type of food.
BUZZER Well, that sound tells me it is the end of the round and the end of the show.
The final scores are: Jon, Rachel and David have two.
Sean, Joe and Louis have seven and are tonight's winners! CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Wait, I have got another one.
David O'Doherty, ladies and gentlemen.
SCARE-O.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Thanks to our panellists, our studio audience and you at home.
That is it from us.
Good night!