8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s14e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1 This programme contains very strong language.
Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, acting up, it's John Hannah, stand-up Canadian, it's Bobby Mair, and their team captain, Sean Lock.
And facing them tonight, get starting again, it's Example.
Good golly, Miss Holly, it's Holly Walsh, and their team captain, Jon Richardson.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 48% of men in long-term relationships don't know their own clothes size, although if you've been in a relationship more than five years, chances are it's extra large.
Only 2% of the earth's population are natural redheads, so, technically, it wouldn't be genocide, more of a tidy-up.
And 94% of men consider themselves romantic.
I'm really romantic.
I often stand under my girlfriend's window and serenade her with my guitar.
I say my girlfriend, it's the woman next door.
I say serenade, I mean stare.
And also, that's not a guitar I'm holding.
Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the public's main talking points.
Sean, what do you think people talked about over the last week? There's been a big hurricane in America.
There has been a little bit of a hurricane, yeah.
It's 1,000 miles wide and has devastated America.
It's like Susan Boyle 2.
It's terrible.
This terrible hurricane, and it's very difficult to do material about a hurricane or jokes, or even talk about it in a light-hearted way, because, um, I'm not interested.
Cos they're not interested in us.
They don't give a shit about us, the Americans.
If you open a newspaper here, it's all about the American election.
It's about Obama and Mitt Romney.
I was over in America recently.
There wasn't one mention about the Lib Dem conference.
Not one.
One of the governors, I think of Connecticut, he said, and this sounds terrible in my accent, so you won't get the full impact, "The last time we saw anything like this was never.
" He really sounded like a dick.
(SOUTHERN AMERICAN ACCENT) "Last time we saw anything like this wasnever.
" Considering it was a national disaster, it was a lame time to make a bad pun about Frankenstorm.
I thought that was terrible.
I mean, had it happened at any other time of year, would they have gone with the same thing? Like Yom Kippur-ing with rain? Yom Kippur-ing with rain is brilliant! I sort of wish they'd waited.
Or Windy-pendence Day or something like that.
I just thought it was lame.
What do you mean "lame"? These are brilliant! I thought it was amazing how loads of American preachers came forward and said, "This is a punishment for homosexuality.
" If it was, then why, straight after the hurricane, was there a double rainbow? I mean, that's the most gay thing they could have.
Iran and Syria have claimed that they did it on purpose.
Yeah, but that's a rare stab at humour from them.
Iranians go, "Let's have a joke for once.
"Once every hundred years, we do a joke in Iran, and that's our joke.
" They probably also claimed the Jubilee regatta rain.
"ITV2 - that was us.
" The other thing I want to talk about is the damage.
There's an estimate, isn't there? What's the damage? The estimate for the damage of Hurricane Sandy $55 billion, rising all the time.
And that was a hurricane that hit two or three days ago, so how some bloke's just gone out and gone Taken his pen "55 billion, I reckon.
" "Between 50, 55.
I mean, I can do it cheaper in ply.
" Cos the American accent is so built around movies, they can't help but exaggerate now.
In a Cockney accent, you'd just go, "I dunno.
I'd do it for about a fiver.
" But you can't, in an American accent, go, "That'll cost you.
" You'd just get so excited with that accent, you'd go, "That'll cost you about $50 billion!" In America, they've missed a real opportunity here.
Because they're a commercial country, they should have sponsored the hurricane, so it should be called, "Today, we are very worried about the effects of Hurricane Mm Danone.
" Let's see whether Hurricane Sandy's one of the most talked about things this week.
Of course, yes.
Yes, Hurricane Sandy has battered the eastern coast of America.
Hurricane Sandy.
The only thing that's fucked more Americans is Harry from One Direction.
Thousands of Americans are now reduced to eating emergency rations or, as we call them, double portions.
Jon's team, what have the nation been talking about over the last week? If you mean, by what have people been talking about, what forums have been going crazy about, Disney have only bought Lucasfilm, and that meanssomething to some people.
Fortunately, those people don't leave the house, so if you don't go online, it really doesn't affect you.
DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER That's all it is.
They prolong it cos nerds are like, "I just need it! I just need "Oh, I just need one more space film where someone gets zapped! "Oh, shit!" Are you a fan of the Star Wars franchise? No.
No? Well, the original ones, the good ones, yeah - the ones with a story and good dialogue and stuff.
The good ones? The ones when we were a kid, watching kids' movies.
- The good ones? The ones when we were a kid, watching kids' movies.
- Yeah, those ones.
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER But the ones just to sell the toys? No.
They're all basically toy adverts, but they're bloody good ones.
You know people say, "I've never seen Star Wars"? I wouldn't say that.
I've just never watched them.
They've been on, and I've just gone (MUMBLES) I don't actually watch it.
You never really paid attention? I understand Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's dad Spoiler alert! .
.
but he wasn't around when he was growing up, and that's why he dresses like that now, cos he's in Fathers 4 Justice.
He's trying to see his son.
Do you know what else is weird, though? When they make prequels, and the weapons in them are better than the ones they have later.
That's just really weird.
Are you not excited by this? The only danger is that Lucasfilm own the rights to Labyrinth and if they remake Labyrinth and ruin it, by which I mean don't cast me in every role, there will be deaths.
Not the rapper Labrinth.
- Not the rapper Labrinth.
- No, no, no, no.
He's a douche, right? Is he? He's more of a singer, but he's all right.
Oh, is he? He's not a rapper? - He's not a rapper? - I'm on TV! He's lovely, yeah.
- He's not a rapper? - I'm on TV! He's lovely, yeah.
- Oh.
You could start a proper rapper war.
I could start a war.
I could do it more directly.
Go on, then.
Just look down the lens and say, oi, rappers! Suck my balls.
Except you.
You don't have to suck my balls.
I'm more of a singer anyway.
What's a rapper, then? Rappers just, erm DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER I need to know.
"Tell me about this rapping you do.
" When does a rap become a song? Are you serious?! Sort of.
Do you know the difference between Jay-Z and Beyonce and what they do? - Do you know the difference between Jay-Z and Beyonce and what they do? - I know the difference enough to know Well, one's a mummy and one's a daddy.
This is awful.
So if I say, like (RAPS) I went to the shop and got some chips You can't get chips from a shop.
Isn't it supposed to rhyme, anyway? Chips and shop don't rhyme.
Yeah, exactly.
That's only the first line.
Get the next line out.
Go on.
LAUGHTER Go on, you went to the shop and bought some chips.
Then I got some ketchup and other dips.
Shall we have a look and see whether Star Wars was one of the most talked about things last week? Yes, Disney has bought Lucasfilm and the Star Wars franchise for $2.
5 billion.
If you haven't seen any of the more recent Star Wars films, I don't want to ruin them for you.
That's George Lucas's job.
Sean's team, what else were the nation talking about last week? David Cameron, apparently, was humiliated in a vote in the House of Commons about the EU budget.
He's got to go to Brussels and argue about some EU budgetary problems.
Yeah, he doesn't want to pay them £13.
6 billion.
We pay something like £100 each into the EU, but the only people that get anything out of it are farmers, so, really, what we should all do is get a cow each.
Keep it on a roundabout.
You don't have to worry about, you know, visiting, cos the cars will keep it in place.
And that way we'll get something back out of the EU.
There was a phenomenal Paxman thing this week.
I watched Paxman on Newsnight, he had a Labour one, a Lib Dem one and a Tory one.
And he literally hated all of them constantly.
He didn't even let them answer.
He said, "Well, what are you going to do about this?" The Labour lady went, "Well, I think" "Oh, typical! You won't answer the bloody question!" I just wonder if he's like that all the time or if he gets home, has had enough, and his wife goes, "What do you want for tea?" (SOBS) He must have the angriest showers, because the shower is where I really lose my shit.
Oh, that's disgusting! You know when you've got to phone BT or something? You really know that you're going to phone them up and go, "This is ridic Well, no.
Yeah, I'll pay more.
Bye.
" In the shower is where I go, "Yeah, well you d "I'll come down there with a gun, see how you like that, yeah!" But Paxman in the shower must just be Cos he's an aggressive dick, anyway.
He must just be punching tiles out and just turning the hose on itself.
"Answer the question.
Come on!" Turning the hose on himself? Are you showering outside again? Let's see if it's up there.
Yes, under the EU budget proposals, the UK will pay £13.
6 billion, Germany will cough up £20 billion, and Greece will contribute two yoghurts and some leftover moussaka.
Jon's team, what else were the nation talking about last week? Oh, well, it's cheeky Silvio Berlusconi, that naughty old fraudster sex pest.
They're trying to lock him up.
They're going to lock him up.
But they said they can't, cos he's old and he's got health problems.
It's also he's taken so much Viagra, they can't shut the cell door.
He does look incredible for all the stuff The stress of all that fraud would have killed me, and all that sex with prostitutes and whatnot.
He is the next Bertolli advert.
I guarantee that.
Just him, coming down for breakfast in the morning, shattered from shagging.
"Little bit of Bertolli on your bread.
" What's the story? He's been sentenced to four years in prison, which I think they've reduced to a year, but you can't even ima Italian prisons - you can't imagine - I don't mean to stereotype, but you can't imagine that they're that bad.
I imagine they've got coffee machines in the cells.
It's two hours for lunch.
"You want a little bit of red wine? "It's a human right, mate.
I know you're a bloody sex pest, "but you've got to have a little bit of wine with your dinner.
" In Italian prisons, they've got Spanish waiters, yeah? I can tell you it's not one of the most talked about things this week, but ex-Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has been sentenced to jail for tax fraud.
(CLEARS THROAT) Fingers on buzzers, two more things to get.
A whole team have accused referees being racist, which is clever.
That's clearly a plan they came up with after the players got accused of being racist.
They sat around, had one of their meetings and went, "What if we accused everyone else of being racist? We'll try that next week!" And Mark Clattenburg's defence was, "I can't be racist - some of my best outfits are black.
" I should say that Mark Clattenburg has denied these allegations.
Well, they've got form for this, haven't they, the Chelsea team - John Terry, Frank Lampard and Ashley Cole.
Funny little triumvirate.
But a couple of years ago, they accused Graham Poll of something which they then had to retract, after it was proved that it was completely made up, and they just sort of wanted to get back at the big guys.
The problem is you can't get behind him, because referees are just inherently sad people.
Like Mark Clattenburg - he says he began refereeing as a teenager.
You just think, "Oh, you poor bastard!" Even I think that! Even I see that and think, "Loser!" But the players who accused him of saying racist things - they didn't actually hear it.
It was another player, David Luiz, who said that he heard it.
Now, I don't know if you've seen David Luiz interviewed, but I'm going to speculate at his level of English, he might possibly have misunderstood.
The man Racist! He thought he used the term "monkey", which is offensive.
Not if you put the word "cheeky" in front of it.
What gets me is, like, the police are getting involved.
Like, if someone's racist now, the police get involved, and, like, I get it.
Racism - very bad.
But if we are going to start prosecuting everyone who's racist, then in, like, three months, all our grandparents are going to be in jail.
That's depressing.
I know a guy who goes to my local pub, cos I live near Chelsea, and he's got a tattoo of John Terry on him.
And I was like, "Do you actually like John Terry?" He was like, "Nah, he's a wanker, but, you know, it's JT, innit?" He's had a tattoo of someone he doesn't like? That's brilliant, cos most people get a tattoo and they think, "Oh, I might regret this later," but he can regret it straightaway.
Let's see whether Mark Clattenburg, the allegedly racist referee, is one of the most talked about things this week.
Yes, a Premier League referee has been accused of racism.
Football should transcend colour.
It shouldn't matter whether you're black or white or, in the case of Alex Ferguson, kind of purple.
OK, we've got one more thing to get.
Fingers on buzzers, what else have people been talking about? Is it the X Factor? Is it the fact that Gary Barlow and Tulisa had a little bitch fight? He said she had fag-ash breath.
Yeah, but I've seen the video All right, mate.
.
.
and it could have smelt a lot worse.
The comeback was so childish, though, cos she tried to think of another insult for him and she just couldn't think of any other type of insult, so she just did another breath thing.
So he went, "Oh, your breath smells of fag ash," and she went, "You, you, you drink red wine sometimes.
" OK, let's have a look at everyone's favourite finalist, Rylan.
X Factor, make some noise! With a taste of your lips I'm on a ride You're toxic, I'm slippin' under With a taste of a poison paradise I'm addicted to you Don't you know that you're toxic? Let's have some fun! I'm horny, horny, horny, horny So horny, I'm horny, horny, horny I'm horny, horny, horny, horny So horny, I'm horny horny, horny tonight.
What the fuck was that? Was that Hurricane Sandy footage or something? He starts with, "Make some noise.
" That's a legal requirement.
He has to say, "Make some noise, "cos this is going to sound absolutely awful.
" There's this sort of obligatory stuff.
As a rapper, when you come on, do you have to say certain things? Like when rappers come out and they're like, "Y'all ready for this?" Like someone's going to go, "No, I'm not ready for this.
My friend's just in the loo.
Could you wait a minute?" The thing rappers always say that annoys me is, "Put your hands in the air like you just don't care.
" I'll show you how much I don't care.
I've never done that.
You've never said, "Put your hands in the air like you just don't care"? I say, erm, "Everyone from the front to the back, clap, clap," I think, when I get drunk.
Did Jon write that for you? No, he didn't.
"Clap, clap from the front to the back" sounds like something you would say in a clinic on Monday morning.
It's not a song.
It's just - It's not a song.
It's just - "What seems to be the problem?" "I've got clap, clap from the front to the back.
" Example, do you watch it? Have you ever watched X Factor? I'll be honest - that's the first time I've seen it this year.
That's the first clip I've seen.
I refuse to watch it.
And now you've helped me, by coming on today, you've backed up all my reasons for not watching it.
Why don't you watch it? Is it ruining music? I don't think it's ruining music.
I mean, people buy it, so there's obviously someone out there who likes it.
I just think, if you were a young musician, you should go on tour and learn to write songs and make mistakes and do it the old-fashioned way.
Right, OK.
Thank you.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah.
That's bloody beautiful, that is, what you said there.
That's beautiful! Was the X Factor was one of the most talked about things this week? Yes, the X Factor is heating up.
Apparently, Rylan had eight bum notes last Sunday - each handed to him by Louis saying, "Meet me in the dressing room after.
" So, at the end of that round, Sean, Bobby and John have two points, and Jon, Example and Holly have three points.
That's it for Part One.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick of the Polls.
Jon's team, your turn first.
What do you like the look of? I like the look of the skydivers.
OK.
Here's your related question.
You've come to the right guy here.
Loosen your cardie.
Tell us what you think.
This cardie was a risk! Green with grey.
I did it.
I don't know.
Do you take risks are bad, aren't they? - I don't know.
Do you take risks are bad, aren't they? - I got on Ryanair this summer.
And I'm not doing that again.
I don't understand why you have things like Flight Mode on mobile phones on planes.
Just turn it off.
It's two hours of your life.
Just don't take the risk.
What risk? There's no risk? I leave it on.
When they say, "Switch it to Flight Mode," and the person next to me puts it to Flight Mode, I think, "You prick!" What is the point of the risk? You could kill everyone on this plane cos you accidentally flicked it off Flight Mode and the whole plane exploded.
Jon, when I get on a plane, I don't even turn my chainsaw off.
Holly, you've taken a risk.
You jumped off something, didn't you? I jumped off a 40-foot pier and I broke my arm, so I'm a risk taker.
Why did you jump off the pier? Because I was asked to do it.
So who asked you to do it? Why did you? Well it was part of this, Worthing Birdman, where you have to go and try and build yourself some sort of homemade aircraft with which to fly off a I mean, that's two words that should never go together.
Like, homemade and condom, that should never go together.
- Like, homemade and condom, that should never go together.
- Clingfilm.
Clingfilm.
I'd say a Snickers wrapper, but anyway Snickers wrapper, you're optimistic.
They might have a nut allergy, it's not worth the risk.
So, taking risks.
I used to get really drunk and then I'd black out, and that was the most exciting risk, and then one time I got really drunk at a festival and took lots of drugs.
The drug dealers, they were dressed like fairies, so this fairy floated up to me and was like, "Hey! Do you want some honey oil?" And I don't know what that is, but I took it.
And then I blacked out, and my last memory was falling into a river, and I woke up the next morning and I was on this steep muddy hill in the forest and I don't know how I got there and I was on a mattress.
Here is my question.
What did you take and where can I get some? We can party.
You never take drugs! - You never take drugs! - If I woke up on a flying mattress up a tree.
It wasn't flying, it was on the mud.
- It wasn't flying, it was on the mud.
- Oh, no, no.
I didn't have shoes on Not worth the risk.
Sean, have you taken any risks? I read a pop-up book about giraffes once, that was quite dangerous.
I don't think, giraffes don't bite, though.
I don't think stuff through.
If you get into it, everything's a risk.
Every time you talk to someone, they could turn out to be a dick.
Every time you get in your car, you could have a crash.
Every time you order a drink, it could be poisoned.
Technically, I'm a hero.
The risks I face every day.
Every time you go to the toilet, you could trap your penis in your fly.
I could just sit at home sellotaped to a chair made of cotton wool.
But I don't.
Every day, I get up and I growl at myself in the mirror and I say, "Bring it on.
" Have you taken any risks? Erm, some jobs that I've taken I wish I hadn't, yeah.
When you do a sex scene, do you ever worry that you might get an erection? Well, there's a kind of famous thing where you worry that you might and you also worry that you might not.
Yeah, those are different films, aren't they? APPLAUSE All right, let's get some answers.
What do you think? Jon? - What do you think? Jon? - I think false.
We're very risk averse.
What are you going for, Sean? - What are you going for, Sean? - Yeah, false.
I can tell you the answer is false.
APPLAUSE I know someone who always likes to live close to the edge.
Bono.
OK, Sean, Bobby, John, what do you like the look of? I like, uh, the girl.
Who is she? That is Pippa Middleton.
Off of, sort of, royalty-ish.
OK, so Pippa Middleton has been in the headlines after releasing a party planning book, so we asked our studio audience Yes or no? - Yes or no? - If I wrote a book, I'd call it Confessions Of A Hollywood Gigolo.
And then the first sentence would be, "I must confess I have never been a gigolo in Hollywood.
" Katie Price, she's written loads of books, hasn't she? Katie Price has written some brilliant books, yeah.
- Katie Price has written some brilliant books, yeah.
- She's not really written them.
I've seen loads of photos of her doing various things, riding horses, playing with her kids.
I've never seen one of her at a desk sweating over a typewriter or thumbing through a thesaurus going, "Mmm!" "Dildo, that's the word!" Holly, do you read any of these books? - Holly, do you read any of these books? - I'm obsessed with them.
You're obsessed with them? - You're obsessed with them? - I absolutely love celebrity.
Do you have a favourite? Erm, I think the Krankies' one was an absolute classic.
Yeah, the Krankies' book is an extraordinary thing.
It's an incredible piece of work.
Punch-ups with Paul Daniels.
Having sex with people who are from the circus, there's just like so much information there.
Does it tell you how to meet girls in the circus? Very niche book, that is.
Is it like a guide? "I want a book on how to meet girls in the circus.
" Cos I went to a circus one time, there was all these sexy trapeze artists.
Afterwards I waited around, but I didn't really know how to start the conversation.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- But if there was a book! Example, have you ever read a celebrity biography? Erm, no, I read Roy Keane's, I think.
Has it taught you anything? - Has it taught you anything? - It taught me that I don't like Roy Keane.
Would you write one? Would you consider? Erm, I don't know.
People have approached me, but I think you've got to wait till you're at least 42.
Yeah, 42 is the age you've got to wait till.
It's official.
You've written a couple of books.
- You've written a couple of books.
- I wrote one book.
No, there's two, there's the one you actually give to the Inland Revenue.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Have you written a book? Yeah, I've written a book.
- Yeah, I've written a book.
- An autobiography.
No, God, no.
If I've learned anything, it's the less people know about me the better.
Just a book about jokes.
- Just a book about jokes.
- About jokes? I mean, not an amazing it's not as good as this book.
What expression are you making there? What were you shooting for? Oh, this world! It looks like, sort of, pre your lip transplant.
That was before you had lips.
I'm actually too tight to pay for a photo shoot, so that's when someone else was having one, and just before he took the picture, I snuck in.
You photo-bombed someone else's photo.
- You photo-bombed someone else's photo.
- That's exactly what it looks like.
I'll just read a small, little passage.
"When I think about it now, "the thought of my bony white body pressed up against hers, "and her having to tolerate my wet breath against her neck, "it's a wonder to me that she was never sick into my face.
" LAUGHTER Some, er, self-esteem issues, there, Jon? It's one of those kiss-and-tell books where nobody gets kissed, but I tell anyway.
What's the last sentence? The last sentence.
- The last sentence.
- Oh, the last chapter's lovely.
"Here's to many more years on the hunt.
" LAUGHTER I've written a book.
Go on, tell me more.
I haven't seen this.
I'm not aware.
What it's about? I don't know what it's about.
I've no idea what it's about.
My problem is I can write, but I can't read.
I just wrote it.
I don't know if it's a cookbook, historical fiction, autobiography.
I just write and I don't know what it is.
Then I go, "I don't know what that is.
" "Another 400 pages, Sean!" Let's get some answers on this.
We asked our audience, what do you think they said? Yes or no? Well, that's true, because the bookshelves are full of celebrities.
You're saying yes.
OK.
Yes or no, Jon? The studio audience, no.
No? - No? - No! I can tell you the answer is no.
Only 23% of our studio audience are more likely to buy a book if it's written by a celebrity.
APPLAUSE Personally, I don't care if a book's been written by a celebrity like Rod Stewart or Simon Cowell or a member of the public like Kerry Katona.
So at the end of that round, it's three points for Sean's team and five points for Jon's team.
APPLAUSE That's it for Part Two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, And the Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one BUZZER I always say, Jimmy, you're never alone with a cuddle! LAUGHTER Sorry we're asking this question, but biggest sign you're lonely - Sorry we're asking this question, but biggest sign you're lonely - I'm fine! LAUGHTER There's a big difference between being alone and being lonely, all right? So sometimes I'm on my own and I'm all right.
I'm all right! Everyone wants to stop asking me and just come round and ask me.
LAUGHTER Is the biggest sign you're lonely setting up multiple accounts on Match.
com and then asking yourself out on a date? LAUGHTER I know someone who did that.
Jon? LAUGHTER The biggest sign you're lonely is probably if you use the voice recorder on your phone and then you modulate it to sound more like a woman, and you're like, "Oh, you're really sexy, Bobby.
LAUGHTER - That's probably a sign, maybe not the biggest one It's like, one of three that you need to talk to people.
Yes.
You definitely need to talk to people.
And they need to be trained professionals.
Biggest sign you're lonely - what you think, Sean? Well, I just think it's a tragic thing for anyone to experience and I don't think we should be making jokes about it.
If anybody had that reality in their life and they're watching this show now, I'd feel very sorry for them, cos they'd feel like everyone was laughing at them and they're all alone.
Not able to enjoy a bit of company or somebody to take their mind off the loneliness that stalks their every waking moment, that tolls like a bell in their head when they think about the friendless, empty wasteland - Shut up! (He's sitting right there.
) Yes, but I know he watches it back on his own.
OK.
What do you think? Just sitting in the pub, reading your own book in the corner there.
I'm giving you a point, cos the biggest sign you're lonely is drinking alone.
- cos the biggest sign you're lonely is drinking alone.
- (JON) Fuck off! LAUGHTER What was that, Jon?! Did you hear that? That was instantaneous, that reaction.
It's one of the coolest things you can do.
It sort of depends, doesn't it? There's a big difference between treating yourself to a glass of rose on a sunny afternoon and sucking the alcoholic hand sanitiser out of a plastic dispenser in a hospital car park at 4.
00am.
OK, best thing about a British holiday.
- OK, best thing about a British holiday.
- BUZZER Is it the fact that you can take as much shampoo as you want with you? TITTERS When I go to Cromer I take a big tub of shampoo, like that, big thing, and I open it up in the car.
Nobody stops me.
Nobody wrestles me to the ground.
I put my hand on it Look, shampoo! Ooh, look how dangerous I am! What you going to do about it? Since I moved here, for me, all of Britain is like a holiday, which is exciting.
I live near this place, the Brixton McDonald's, I don't know if anyone's been there? I think it's just McDonald's in Brixton.
- I think it's just McDonald's in Brixton.
- No It's great, because if I'm ever feeling, "Oh, "what am I doing with my life?" I just go over to Brixton McDonald's at four in the morning and I'm like, "I'm doing fine!" LAUGHTER I got a £50 fine there for putting out a cigarette on the ground and it's like, "Really? That's the thing you're focusing on?" Like, there's the team from The Wire dealing drugs all around me and the guy's like, "Why didn't you just put in the bin?" "There's a man shitting in the bin!" LAUGHTER That's a holiday for me, cos I don't have to be alone in my apartment.
Or flat, as you would call it.
Yep, flat - that's the one thing we didn't understand in that(!) LAUGHTER Have you ever had a holiday in the UK, Example? No, but I had to go to Skegness a few times last year for some gigs.
We went up to the woman who was like our rep and she said, "Oh yeah, we've got some food for you.
"We've got an American, an Italian and an English.
And it was Burger King, Papa John's and Wetherspoon.
LAUGHTER (JON) But British TV is well known, cos when you go on holiday, there's always a point when you just had a shower and you want to watch a bit of telly and it's all foreign and you end up watching rolling news.
The amount of news I've watched on holiday, just hours of CNN because You just want to hear an English voice.
Just for a little while, I want to understand a conversation.
"Well, President Obama today said that" It's a nice idea to go on holiday with someone else, sometimes.
LAUGHTER That's actually number ten on the list, being able to watch British TV.
Tell you what I like about them.
Seeing the look of disappointment on your family's face when you tell them where we're going.
Then you laugh, like that Ha ha ha! Norfolk! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ah, ha ha! Do you drive up the M11, just past the airport, and say just as you drive past, "Oh, you missed the turning" - oh, no No, we're going to Norfolk.
Ha ha ha ha! Have some shampoo! OK, best thing about a British holiday.
Is it that you can still collect Nectar points? Is it the scenery? - Well that is the right answer.
APPLAUSE It's the scenery.
The best thing about a British holiday is the countryside.
If you want to know what the countryside is really like, - just watch Countryfile.
It's that boring.
LAUGHTER, KLAXON Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and show, and the final scores, Sean, Bobby and John have four points, Jon, Example and Holly have six points, they're tonight's winners! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, good night.
Red Bee Media Ltd
Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, acting up, it's John Hannah, stand-up Canadian, it's Bobby Mair, and their team captain, Sean Lock.
And facing them tonight, get starting again, it's Example.
Good golly, Miss Holly, it's Holly Walsh, and their team captain, Jon Richardson.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 48% of men in long-term relationships don't know their own clothes size, although if you've been in a relationship more than five years, chances are it's extra large.
Only 2% of the earth's population are natural redheads, so, technically, it wouldn't be genocide, more of a tidy-up.
And 94% of men consider themselves romantic.
I'm really romantic.
I often stand under my girlfriend's window and serenade her with my guitar.
I say my girlfriend, it's the woman next door.
I say serenade, I mean stare.
And also, that's not a guitar I'm holding.
Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the public's main talking points.
Sean, what do you think people talked about over the last week? There's been a big hurricane in America.
There has been a little bit of a hurricane, yeah.
It's 1,000 miles wide and has devastated America.
It's like Susan Boyle 2.
It's terrible.
This terrible hurricane, and it's very difficult to do material about a hurricane or jokes, or even talk about it in a light-hearted way, because, um, I'm not interested.
Cos they're not interested in us.
They don't give a shit about us, the Americans.
If you open a newspaper here, it's all about the American election.
It's about Obama and Mitt Romney.
I was over in America recently.
There wasn't one mention about the Lib Dem conference.
Not one.
One of the governors, I think of Connecticut, he said, and this sounds terrible in my accent, so you won't get the full impact, "The last time we saw anything like this was never.
" He really sounded like a dick.
(SOUTHERN AMERICAN ACCENT) "Last time we saw anything like this wasnever.
" Considering it was a national disaster, it was a lame time to make a bad pun about Frankenstorm.
I thought that was terrible.
I mean, had it happened at any other time of year, would they have gone with the same thing? Like Yom Kippur-ing with rain? Yom Kippur-ing with rain is brilliant! I sort of wish they'd waited.
Or Windy-pendence Day or something like that.
I just thought it was lame.
What do you mean "lame"? These are brilliant! I thought it was amazing how loads of American preachers came forward and said, "This is a punishment for homosexuality.
" If it was, then why, straight after the hurricane, was there a double rainbow? I mean, that's the most gay thing they could have.
Iran and Syria have claimed that they did it on purpose.
Yeah, but that's a rare stab at humour from them.
Iranians go, "Let's have a joke for once.
"Once every hundred years, we do a joke in Iran, and that's our joke.
" They probably also claimed the Jubilee regatta rain.
"ITV2 - that was us.
" The other thing I want to talk about is the damage.
There's an estimate, isn't there? What's the damage? The estimate for the damage of Hurricane Sandy $55 billion, rising all the time.
And that was a hurricane that hit two or three days ago, so how some bloke's just gone out and gone Taken his pen "55 billion, I reckon.
" "Between 50, 55.
I mean, I can do it cheaper in ply.
" Cos the American accent is so built around movies, they can't help but exaggerate now.
In a Cockney accent, you'd just go, "I dunno.
I'd do it for about a fiver.
" But you can't, in an American accent, go, "That'll cost you.
" You'd just get so excited with that accent, you'd go, "That'll cost you about $50 billion!" In America, they've missed a real opportunity here.
Because they're a commercial country, they should have sponsored the hurricane, so it should be called, "Today, we are very worried about the effects of Hurricane Mm Danone.
" Let's see whether Hurricane Sandy's one of the most talked about things this week.
Of course, yes.
Yes, Hurricane Sandy has battered the eastern coast of America.
Hurricane Sandy.
The only thing that's fucked more Americans is Harry from One Direction.
Thousands of Americans are now reduced to eating emergency rations or, as we call them, double portions.
Jon's team, what have the nation been talking about over the last week? If you mean, by what have people been talking about, what forums have been going crazy about, Disney have only bought Lucasfilm, and that meanssomething to some people.
Fortunately, those people don't leave the house, so if you don't go online, it really doesn't affect you.
DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER That's all it is.
They prolong it cos nerds are like, "I just need it! I just need "Oh, I just need one more space film where someone gets zapped! "Oh, shit!" Are you a fan of the Star Wars franchise? No.
No? Well, the original ones, the good ones, yeah - the ones with a story and good dialogue and stuff.
The good ones? The ones when we were a kid, watching kids' movies.
- The good ones? The ones when we were a kid, watching kids' movies.
- Yeah, those ones.
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER But the ones just to sell the toys? No.
They're all basically toy adverts, but they're bloody good ones.
You know people say, "I've never seen Star Wars"? I wouldn't say that.
I've just never watched them.
They've been on, and I've just gone (MUMBLES) I don't actually watch it.
You never really paid attention? I understand Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's dad Spoiler alert! .
.
but he wasn't around when he was growing up, and that's why he dresses like that now, cos he's in Fathers 4 Justice.
He's trying to see his son.
Do you know what else is weird, though? When they make prequels, and the weapons in them are better than the ones they have later.
That's just really weird.
Are you not excited by this? The only danger is that Lucasfilm own the rights to Labyrinth and if they remake Labyrinth and ruin it, by which I mean don't cast me in every role, there will be deaths.
Not the rapper Labrinth.
- Not the rapper Labrinth.
- No, no, no, no.
He's a douche, right? Is he? He's more of a singer, but he's all right.
Oh, is he? He's not a rapper? - He's not a rapper? - I'm on TV! He's lovely, yeah.
- He's not a rapper? - I'm on TV! He's lovely, yeah.
- Oh.
You could start a proper rapper war.
I could start a war.
I could do it more directly.
Go on, then.
Just look down the lens and say, oi, rappers! Suck my balls.
Except you.
You don't have to suck my balls.
I'm more of a singer anyway.
What's a rapper, then? Rappers just, erm DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER I need to know.
"Tell me about this rapping you do.
" When does a rap become a song? Are you serious?! Sort of.
Do you know the difference between Jay-Z and Beyonce and what they do? - Do you know the difference between Jay-Z and Beyonce and what they do? - I know the difference enough to know Well, one's a mummy and one's a daddy.
This is awful.
So if I say, like (RAPS) I went to the shop and got some chips You can't get chips from a shop.
Isn't it supposed to rhyme, anyway? Chips and shop don't rhyme.
Yeah, exactly.
That's only the first line.
Get the next line out.
Go on.
LAUGHTER Go on, you went to the shop and bought some chips.
Then I got some ketchup and other dips.
Shall we have a look and see whether Star Wars was one of the most talked about things last week? Yes, Disney has bought Lucasfilm and the Star Wars franchise for $2.
5 billion.
If you haven't seen any of the more recent Star Wars films, I don't want to ruin them for you.
That's George Lucas's job.
Sean's team, what else were the nation talking about last week? David Cameron, apparently, was humiliated in a vote in the House of Commons about the EU budget.
He's got to go to Brussels and argue about some EU budgetary problems.
Yeah, he doesn't want to pay them £13.
6 billion.
We pay something like £100 each into the EU, but the only people that get anything out of it are farmers, so, really, what we should all do is get a cow each.
Keep it on a roundabout.
You don't have to worry about, you know, visiting, cos the cars will keep it in place.
And that way we'll get something back out of the EU.
There was a phenomenal Paxman thing this week.
I watched Paxman on Newsnight, he had a Labour one, a Lib Dem one and a Tory one.
And he literally hated all of them constantly.
He didn't even let them answer.
He said, "Well, what are you going to do about this?" The Labour lady went, "Well, I think" "Oh, typical! You won't answer the bloody question!" I just wonder if he's like that all the time or if he gets home, has had enough, and his wife goes, "What do you want for tea?" (SOBS) He must have the angriest showers, because the shower is where I really lose my shit.
Oh, that's disgusting! You know when you've got to phone BT or something? You really know that you're going to phone them up and go, "This is ridic Well, no.
Yeah, I'll pay more.
Bye.
" In the shower is where I go, "Yeah, well you d "I'll come down there with a gun, see how you like that, yeah!" But Paxman in the shower must just be Cos he's an aggressive dick, anyway.
He must just be punching tiles out and just turning the hose on itself.
"Answer the question.
Come on!" Turning the hose on himself? Are you showering outside again? Let's see if it's up there.
Yes, under the EU budget proposals, the UK will pay £13.
6 billion, Germany will cough up £20 billion, and Greece will contribute two yoghurts and some leftover moussaka.
Jon's team, what else were the nation talking about last week? Oh, well, it's cheeky Silvio Berlusconi, that naughty old fraudster sex pest.
They're trying to lock him up.
They're going to lock him up.
But they said they can't, cos he's old and he's got health problems.
It's also he's taken so much Viagra, they can't shut the cell door.
He does look incredible for all the stuff The stress of all that fraud would have killed me, and all that sex with prostitutes and whatnot.
He is the next Bertolli advert.
I guarantee that.
Just him, coming down for breakfast in the morning, shattered from shagging.
"Little bit of Bertolli on your bread.
" What's the story? He's been sentenced to four years in prison, which I think they've reduced to a year, but you can't even ima Italian prisons - you can't imagine - I don't mean to stereotype, but you can't imagine that they're that bad.
I imagine they've got coffee machines in the cells.
It's two hours for lunch.
"You want a little bit of red wine? "It's a human right, mate.
I know you're a bloody sex pest, "but you've got to have a little bit of wine with your dinner.
" In Italian prisons, they've got Spanish waiters, yeah? I can tell you it's not one of the most talked about things this week, but ex-Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has been sentenced to jail for tax fraud.
(CLEARS THROAT) Fingers on buzzers, two more things to get.
A whole team have accused referees being racist, which is clever.
That's clearly a plan they came up with after the players got accused of being racist.
They sat around, had one of their meetings and went, "What if we accused everyone else of being racist? We'll try that next week!" And Mark Clattenburg's defence was, "I can't be racist - some of my best outfits are black.
" I should say that Mark Clattenburg has denied these allegations.
Well, they've got form for this, haven't they, the Chelsea team - John Terry, Frank Lampard and Ashley Cole.
Funny little triumvirate.
But a couple of years ago, they accused Graham Poll of something which they then had to retract, after it was proved that it was completely made up, and they just sort of wanted to get back at the big guys.
The problem is you can't get behind him, because referees are just inherently sad people.
Like Mark Clattenburg - he says he began refereeing as a teenager.
You just think, "Oh, you poor bastard!" Even I think that! Even I see that and think, "Loser!" But the players who accused him of saying racist things - they didn't actually hear it.
It was another player, David Luiz, who said that he heard it.
Now, I don't know if you've seen David Luiz interviewed, but I'm going to speculate at his level of English, he might possibly have misunderstood.
The man Racist! He thought he used the term "monkey", which is offensive.
Not if you put the word "cheeky" in front of it.
What gets me is, like, the police are getting involved.
Like, if someone's racist now, the police get involved, and, like, I get it.
Racism - very bad.
But if we are going to start prosecuting everyone who's racist, then in, like, three months, all our grandparents are going to be in jail.
That's depressing.
I know a guy who goes to my local pub, cos I live near Chelsea, and he's got a tattoo of John Terry on him.
And I was like, "Do you actually like John Terry?" He was like, "Nah, he's a wanker, but, you know, it's JT, innit?" He's had a tattoo of someone he doesn't like? That's brilliant, cos most people get a tattoo and they think, "Oh, I might regret this later," but he can regret it straightaway.
Let's see whether Mark Clattenburg, the allegedly racist referee, is one of the most talked about things this week.
Yes, a Premier League referee has been accused of racism.
Football should transcend colour.
It shouldn't matter whether you're black or white or, in the case of Alex Ferguson, kind of purple.
OK, we've got one more thing to get.
Fingers on buzzers, what else have people been talking about? Is it the X Factor? Is it the fact that Gary Barlow and Tulisa had a little bitch fight? He said she had fag-ash breath.
Yeah, but I've seen the video All right, mate.
.
.
and it could have smelt a lot worse.
The comeback was so childish, though, cos she tried to think of another insult for him and she just couldn't think of any other type of insult, so she just did another breath thing.
So he went, "Oh, your breath smells of fag ash," and she went, "You, you, you drink red wine sometimes.
" OK, let's have a look at everyone's favourite finalist, Rylan.
X Factor, make some noise! With a taste of your lips I'm on a ride You're toxic, I'm slippin' under With a taste of a poison paradise I'm addicted to you Don't you know that you're toxic? Let's have some fun! I'm horny, horny, horny, horny So horny, I'm horny, horny, horny I'm horny, horny, horny, horny So horny, I'm horny horny, horny tonight.
What the fuck was that? Was that Hurricane Sandy footage or something? He starts with, "Make some noise.
" That's a legal requirement.
He has to say, "Make some noise, "cos this is going to sound absolutely awful.
" There's this sort of obligatory stuff.
As a rapper, when you come on, do you have to say certain things? Like when rappers come out and they're like, "Y'all ready for this?" Like someone's going to go, "No, I'm not ready for this.
My friend's just in the loo.
Could you wait a minute?" The thing rappers always say that annoys me is, "Put your hands in the air like you just don't care.
" I'll show you how much I don't care.
I've never done that.
You've never said, "Put your hands in the air like you just don't care"? I say, erm, "Everyone from the front to the back, clap, clap," I think, when I get drunk.
Did Jon write that for you? No, he didn't.
"Clap, clap from the front to the back" sounds like something you would say in a clinic on Monday morning.
It's not a song.
It's just - It's not a song.
It's just - "What seems to be the problem?" "I've got clap, clap from the front to the back.
" Example, do you watch it? Have you ever watched X Factor? I'll be honest - that's the first time I've seen it this year.
That's the first clip I've seen.
I refuse to watch it.
And now you've helped me, by coming on today, you've backed up all my reasons for not watching it.
Why don't you watch it? Is it ruining music? I don't think it's ruining music.
I mean, people buy it, so there's obviously someone out there who likes it.
I just think, if you were a young musician, you should go on tour and learn to write songs and make mistakes and do it the old-fashioned way.
Right, OK.
Thank you.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah.
That's bloody beautiful, that is, what you said there.
That's beautiful! Was the X Factor was one of the most talked about things this week? Yes, the X Factor is heating up.
Apparently, Rylan had eight bum notes last Sunday - each handed to him by Louis saying, "Meet me in the dressing room after.
" So, at the end of that round, Sean, Bobby and John have two points, and Jon, Example and Holly have three points.
That's it for Part One.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick of the Polls.
Jon's team, your turn first.
What do you like the look of? I like the look of the skydivers.
OK.
Here's your related question.
You've come to the right guy here.
Loosen your cardie.
Tell us what you think.
This cardie was a risk! Green with grey.
I did it.
I don't know.
Do you take risks are bad, aren't they? - I don't know.
Do you take risks are bad, aren't they? - I got on Ryanair this summer.
And I'm not doing that again.
I don't understand why you have things like Flight Mode on mobile phones on planes.
Just turn it off.
It's two hours of your life.
Just don't take the risk.
What risk? There's no risk? I leave it on.
When they say, "Switch it to Flight Mode," and the person next to me puts it to Flight Mode, I think, "You prick!" What is the point of the risk? You could kill everyone on this plane cos you accidentally flicked it off Flight Mode and the whole plane exploded.
Jon, when I get on a plane, I don't even turn my chainsaw off.
Holly, you've taken a risk.
You jumped off something, didn't you? I jumped off a 40-foot pier and I broke my arm, so I'm a risk taker.
Why did you jump off the pier? Because I was asked to do it.
So who asked you to do it? Why did you? Well it was part of this, Worthing Birdman, where you have to go and try and build yourself some sort of homemade aircraft with which to fly off a I mean, that's two words that should never go together.
Like, homemade and condom, that should never go together.
- Like, homemade and condom, that should never go together.
- Clingfilm.
Clingfilm.
I'd say a Snickers wrapper, but anyway Snickers wrapper, you're optimistic.
They might have a nut allergy, it's not worth the risk.
So, taking risks.
I used to get really drunk and then I'd black out, and that was the most exciting risk, and then one time I got really drunk at a festival and took lots of drugs.
The drug dealers, they were dressed like fairies, so this fairy floated up to me and was like, "Hey! Do you want some honey oil?" And I don't know what that is, but I took it.
And then I blacked out, and my last memory was falling into a river, and I woke up the next morning and I was on this steep muddy hill in the forest and I don't know how I got there and I was on a mattress.
Here is my question.
What did you take and where can I get some? We can party.
You never take drugs! - You never take drugs! - If I woke up on a flying mattress up a tree.
It wasn't flying, it was on the mud.
- It wasn't flying, it was on the mud.
- Oh, no, no.
I didn't have shoes on Not worth the risk.
Sean, have you taken any risks? I read a pop-up book about giraffes once, that was quite dangerous.
I don't think, giraffes don't bite, though.
I don't think stuff through.
If you get into it, everything's a risk.
Every time you talk to someone, they could turn out to be a dick.
Every time you get in your car, you could have a crash.
Every time you order a drink, it could be poisoned.
Technically, I'm a hero.
The risks I face every day.
Every time you go to the toilet, you could trap your penis in your fly.
I could just sit at home sellotaped to a chair made of cotton wool.
But I don't.
Every day, I get up and I growl at myself in the mirror and I say, "Bring it on.
" Have you taken any risks? Erm, some jobs that I've taken I wish I hadn't, yeah.
When you do a sex scene, do you ever worry that you might get an erection? Well, there's a kind of famous thing where you worry that you might and you also worry that you might not.
Yeah, those are different films, aren't they? APPLAUSE All right, let's get some answers.
What do you think? Jon? - What do you think? Jon? - I think false.
We're very risk averse.
What are you going for, Sean? - What are you going for, Sean? - Yeah, false.
I can tell you the answer is false.
APPLAUSE I know someone who always likes to live close to the edge.
Bono.
OK, Sean, Bobby, John, what do you like the look of? I like, uh, the girl.
Who is she? That is Pippa Middleton.
Off of, sort of, royalty-ish.
OK, so Pippa Middleton has been in the headlines after releasing a party planning book, so we asked our studio audience Yes or no? - Yes or no? - If I wrote a book, I'd call it Confessions Of A Hollywood Gigolo.
And then the first sentence would be, "I must confess I have never been a gigolo in Hollywood.
" Katie Price, she's written loads of books, hasn't she? Katie Price has written some brilliant books, yeah.
- Katie Price has written some brilliant books, yeah.
- She's not really written them.
I've seen loads of photos of her doing various things, riding horses, playing with her kids.
I've never seen one of her at a desk sweating over a typewriter or thumbing through a thesaurus going, "Mmm!" "Dildo, that's the word!" Holly, do you read any of these books? - Holly, do you read any of these books? - I'm obsessed with them.
You're obsessed with them? - You're obsessed with them? - I absolutely love celebrity.
Do you have a favourite? Erm, I think the Krankies' one was an absolute classic.
Yeah, the Krankies' book is an extraordinary thing.
It's an incredible piece of work.
Punch-ups with Paul Daniels.
Having sex with people who are from the circus, there's just like so much information there.
Does it tell you how to meet girls in the circus? Very niche book, that is.
Is it like a guide? "I want a book on how to meet girls in the circus.
" Cos I went to a circus one time, there was all these sexy trapeze artists.
Afterwards I waited around, but I didn't really know how to start the conversation.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- But if there was a book! Example, have you ever read a celebrity biography? Erm, no, I read Roy Keane's, I think.
Has it taught you anything? - Has it taught you anything? - It taught me that I don't like Roy Keane.
Would you write one? Would you consider? Erm, I don't know.
People have approached me, but I think you've got to wait till you're at least 42.
Yeah, 42 is the age you've got to wait till.
It's official.
You've written a couple of books.
- You've written a couple of books.
- I wrote one book.
No, there's two, there's the one you actually give to the Inland Revenue.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Have you written a book? Yeah, I've written a book.
- Yeah, I've written a book.
- An autobiography.
No, God, no.
If I've learned anything, it's the less people know about me the better.
Just a book about jokes.
- Just a book about jokes.
- About jokes? I mean, not an amazing it's not as good as this book.
What expression are you making there? What were you shooting for? Oh, this world! It looks like, sort of, pre your lip transplant.
That was before you had lips.
I'm actually too tight to pay for a photo shoot, so that's when someone else was having one, and just before he took the picture, I snuck in.
You photo-bombed someone else's photo.
- You photo-bombed someone else's photo.
- That's exactly what it looks like.
I'll just read a small, little passage.
"When I think about it now, "the thought of my bony white body pressed up against hers, "and her having to tolerate my wet breath against her neck, "it's a wonder to me that she was never sick into my face.
" LAUGHTER Some, er, self-esteem issues, there, Jon? It's one of those kiss-and-tell books where nobody gets kissed, but I tell anyway.
What's the last sentence? The last sentence.
- The last sentence.
- Oh, the last chapter's lovely.
"Here's to many more years on the hunt.
" LAUGHTER I've written a book.
Go on, tell me more.
I haven't seen this.
I'm not aware.
What it's about? I don't know what it's about.
I've no idea what it's about.
My problem is I can write, but I can't read.
I just wrote it.
I don't know if it's a cookbook, historical fiction, autobiography.
I just write and I don't know what it is.
Then I go, "I don't know what that is.
" "Another 400 pages, Sean!" Let's get some answers on this.
We asked our audience, what do you think they said? Yes or no? Well, that's true, because the bookshelves are full of celebrities.
You're saying yes.
OK.
Yes or no, Jon? The studio audience, no.
No? - No? - No! I can tell you the answer is no.
Only 23% of our studio audience are more likely to buy a book if it's written by a celebrity.
APPLAUSE Personally, I don't care if a book's been written by a celebrity like Rod Stewart or Simon Cowell or a member of the public like Kerry Katona.
So at the end of that round, it's three points for Sean's team and five points for Jon's team.
APPLAUSE That's it for Part Two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, And the Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one BUZZER I always say, Jimmy, you're never alone with a cuddle! LAUGHTER Sorry we're asking this question, but biggest sign you're lonely - Sorry we're asking this question, but biggest sign you're lonely - I'm fine! LAUGHTER There's a big difference between being alone and being lonely, all right? So sometimes I'm on my own and I'm all right.
I'm all right! Everyone wants to stop asking me and just come round and ask me.
LAUGHTER Is the biggest sign you're lonely setting up multiple accounts on Match.
com and then asking yourself out on a date? LAUGHTER I know someone who did that.
Jon? LAUGHTER The biggest sign you're lonely is probably if you use the voice recorder on your phone and then you modulate it to sound more like a woman, and you're like, "Oh, you're really sexy, Bobby.
LAUGHTER - That's probably a sign, maybe not the biggest one It's like, one of three that you need to talk to people.
Yes.
You definitely need to talk to people.
And they need to be trained professionals.
Biggest sign you're lonely - what you think, Sean? Well, I just think it's a tragic thing for anyone to experience and I don't think we should be making jokes about it.
If anybody had that reality in their life and they're watching this show now, I'd feel very sorry for them, cos they'd feel like everyone was laughing at them and they're all alone.
Not able to enjoy a bit of company or somebody to take their mind off the loneliness that stalks their every waking moment, that tolls like a bell in their head when they think about the friendless, empty wasteland - Shut up! (He's sitting right there.
) Yes, but I know he watches it back on his own.
OK.
What do you think? Just sitting in the pub, reading your own book in the corner there.
I'm giving you a point, cos the biggest sign you're lonely is drinking alone.
- cos the biggest sign you're lonely is drinking alone.
- (JON) Fuck off! LAUGHTER What was that, Jon?! Did you hear that? That was instantaneous, that reaction.
It's one of the coolest things you can do.
It sort of depends, doesn't it? There's a big difference between treating yourself to a glass of rose on a sunny afternoon and sucking the alcoholic hand sanitiser out of a plastic dispenser in a hospital car park at 4.
00am.
OK, best thing about a British holiday.
- OK, best thing about a British holiday.
- BUZZER Is it the fact that you can take as much shampoo as you want with you? TITTERS When I go to Cromer I take a big tub of shampoo, like that, big thing, and I open it up in the car.
Nobody stops me.
Nobody wrestles me to the ground.
I put my hand on it Look, shampoo! Ooh, look how dangerous I am! What you going to do about it? Since I moved here, for me, all of Britain is like a holiday, which is exciting.
I live near this place, the Brixton McDonald's, I don't know if anyone's been there? I think it's just McDonald's in Brixton.
- I think it's just McDonald's in Brixton.
- No It's great, because if I'm ever feeling, "Oh, "what am I doing with my life?" I just go over to Brixton McDonald's at four in the morning and I'm like, "I'm doing fine!" LAUGHTER I got a £50 fine there for putting out a cigarette on the ground and it's like, "Really? That's the thing you're focusing on?" Like, there's the team from The Wire dealing drugs all around me and the guy's like, "Why didn't you just put in the bin?" "There's a man shitting in the bin!" LAUGHTER That's a holiday for me, cos I don't have to be alone in my apartment.
Or flat, as you would call it.
Yep, flat - that's the one thing we didn't understand in that(!) LAUGHTER Have you ever had a holiday in the UK, Example? No, but I had to go to Skegness a few times last year for some gigs.
We went up to the woman who was like our rep and she said, "Oh yeah, we've got some food for you.
"We've got an American, an Italian and an English.
And it was Burger King, Papa John's and Wetherspoon.
LAUGHTER (JON) But British TV is well known, cos when you go on holiday, there's always a point when you just had a shower and you want to watch a bit of telly and it's all foreign and you end up watching rolling news.
The amount of news I've watched on holiday, just hours of CNN because You just want to hear an English voice.
Just for a little while, I want to understand a conversation.
"Well, President Obama today said that" It's a nice idea to go on holiday with someone else, sometimes.
LAUGHTER That's actually number ten on the list, being able to watch British TV.
Tell you what I like about them.
Seeing the look of disappointment on your family's face when you tell them where we're going.
Then you laugh, like that Ha ha ha! Norfolk! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ah, ha ha! Do you drive up the M11, just past the airport, and say just as you drive past, "Oh, you missed the turning" - oh, no No, we're going to Norfolk.
Ha ha ha ha! Have some shampoo! OK, best thing about a British holiday.
Is it that you can still collect Nectar points? Is it the scenery? - Well that is the right answer.
APPLAUSE It's the scenery.
The best thing about a British holiday is the countryside.
If you want to know what the countryside is really like, - just watch Countryfile.
It's that boring.
LAUGHTER, KLAXON Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and show, and the final scores, Sean, Bobby and John have four points, Jon, Example and Holly have six points, they're tonight's winners! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, good night.
Red Bee Media Ltd