8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s14e06 Episode Script

Episode 6

1 This programme contains strong language.
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats - loose woman, it's Carol Vorderman, laying down the law, it's Tony Law, and their team captain, Jon Richardson.
And facing them tonight, gymnastic fantastic, it's Louis Smith, welcome to Wonderland, it's Alice Levine, and their team captain, Sean Lock.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, the average mum has one hour a day to themselves.
That's the thing with mums - selfish.
25% of lap dancers have university degrees.
Yes, most of them LAUGHTER Carol there just getting the last joke.
Or remembering something that happened earlier in her life.
Who knows? 25% of lap dancers have university degrees.
Yes, most of them have a 2:2, and a French maid's outfit and a police uniform.
And 20% of Brits have travelled abroad with their pets, which rises to 98% of Geordies.
"Come on, pet, we're away on holidays.
" Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About? is the name of our first round.
Our panellists must guess the public's most popular talking points.
Sean's team, what have the nation been talking about this week? The US election results came in and, er Oh, what's his name? Oh, Barack, Barack Obama won the election.
In America.
And gave a very stirring and moving acceptance speech.
At some point I was expecting him to break out into "I believe the children are the future," so It was really It was pretty overblown.
It was, yeah.
Do you want to have a look? This is Obama accepting his second term.
I believe we can keep the promise of our founders - the idea that if you're willing to work hard, it doesn't matter who you are, or where you come from, or what you look like, or where you live.
It doesn't matter whether you're black or white, or Hispanic or Asian, or Native American, or young or old, or rich or poor, able, disabled, gay or straight.
You can make it here in America, if you're willing to try.
RAUCOUS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE If I was a Smurf watching that, I'd think, "What about us? "He didn't mention us.
"He's got nothing for the Smurfs.
" He did go through He pretty much covered black, white, straight, gay, rich, poor If I was a little old Hungarian lady in the Bronx, I'd be going, "What about us? What is Barack going to do for us? "I'm 80, I'm from Hungary.
"This country - no opportunities for little Hungarian.
" Obama, in his speech, went, "Let me say this publicly - "Michelle, I have never loved you more.
" Get a room, mate.
Jon, you're saying your problem is world leaders should have to be lonely? They should have to face getting in of an evening and just think, "Shall I do some more being the leader of America? "Well, it's video night, innit? We always watch a video on Thursday.
" Well, don't.
Get on with some shit.
The world's broken.
Fix it.
Video night?! How long have you been single? Jon, what did you make of the election? Tell us.
Well, it's fine if you win and spend all that money, but if you lose Like, he's pretty sad, I imagine, now, Mitt Romney.
The way they could have made money back is auction, cos his aides were the ones who told him he wasn't going to be president.
I would have bid for that.
If they'd put an auction for the guy to walk into the room and go, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
You're, er "You're not going to be president, you mad dick! Maybe it was the office joker, too.
Maybe he was on the phone going, "Really? Are you Did he? Really? "OK, I'm going to tell him.
Really? Really? "Sorry, you lost.
"I was just monkeying around, brother.
" Smack! I mean, they spent ¤6 billion on this election.
- ¤6 billion? - 6 billion in all was spent.
Just basically having a go at each other, rather than promoting policies? Our lot at least can do it for nothing on the BBC Parliament channel, can't they? That was the best bit, the debates, cos that's when they just got to insult each other.
It was like you were back in year six, because didn't Obama say to Romney, "The 1980s called.
They want their foreign policy back.
" I thought he was going to reply with, "Your mum called.
She wants her foreign policy back.
" Who would you have voted for, do you think? Do you know what? I think politics is bollocks.
It's bollocks? I like Obama because he's cool.
That's pretty much the only reason.
I don't follow politics.
I'm with you in a certain sense.
I don't really care because I'm with you in a certain sense.
I don't really care because the Americans don't really give a monkey's about us.
How do you mean? - How do you mean? - Well, our lonely, sad women write to their murderers.
Their women don't write to our murderers.
How do you know? Until I hear our murderers are getting letters from America, I'm sorry, I'm not interested in your politics.
I don't care! I mean, they don't give a monkey's about us.
They put the result out at five o'clock in the morning.
Like, you know, we're all in bed.
We put Homeland on at nine.
I was in America recently and it's incredible.
They just know nothing about us.
They're really not interested in us, in any way.
I was chatting to these guys in a bar and they were hunters and they had guns, but they weren't stupid.
One of them said to me, "What sort of animals you got?" I went blank actually.
I forgot.
I went, "Oh, we've got foxes, erm, er, pigeons.
" And this guy said to me, "You got lions?" He was being serious.
He was being genuinely serious.
"You got lions here?" And cos he had a gun, I couldn't laugh in his face, so I went, "Yeah.
Yeah, we do.
"We've got a couple of dinosaurs, actually.
"We've still got dinosaurs, griffins, yeah.
" The reason we cover the American election for so long is because it's fun to let them pretend they're still a superpower, cos China had an election this week and it happened for about two minutes.
The really powerful people went, "Who shall we have next?" And they went, "That guy.
" "Shall we ask anyone else?" "Nah, fuck 'em.
" They fire about ten of their favourites out of a cannon, through a burning hoop, and the one who gets up quickest, they go, "Yeah, he'll do.
He's pretty solid.
" "Are you all right?" "Yes.
" New leader - Hu Jintao.
It's not a bad idea, because they've saved six billion quid already, haven't they? Yeah, they could spend that on NAME? They won't, though, will they? They'll spend it on, erm NAME? I keep finishing off I keep finishing of your sentences! They'll probably spend it on, er Wolves.
They'll just release them - They'll just release them - Into The, er The kitchen.
Shall we have a look and see if the American election is up there? Most talked about thing.
Yes, Barack Obama has been re-elected president.
This election was so close, at one point I thought Louis might send it to deadlock.
Someone asked me today at a train station if I was Louis Walsh.
What?! - What?! - Someone asked you if you were Louis Walsh? NAME? I was just standing there with my bags and she said, "Excuse me, are you Louis Walsh?" (SEAN) Were you talking to the train driver, going, "I love the way you're driving that train?" You've really made it your own.
- You've really made it your own.
- That train, it's amazing.
You really took me on a journey.
Jon's team, what have people been talking about over the last week? Er, what's happening in the world? Oh, let me look this way when I ask that.
I looked right into your eyes then and I was terrified.
Well, in this country, fascinatingly, one of our MPs, Nadine Dorries, has decided the best way she can get ahead as a politician is to go into the jungle.
And eat kangaroo testicles.
She's decided to enter I'm A CelebrityGet Me Out Of Here! and not spotted that she's an MP and it's not called I'm An MPI Should Probably Do Some Work, Since Taxpayers Pay Me To Do My Work.
So she's gone out there.
I've already seen enough of her and it hasn't even started.
I've already seen pictures of her sunbathing in the nude and her breasts are actually a very good analogy for the coalition, cos they appear to be a partnership, and yet they're putting as much distance between themselves Can we get a saucer of milk in here for Jon? They call her Mad Nad.
That's what they call her - Mad Nad.
I've got one of those! Your left one, right? Yeah, makes me do bad things.
She's not really a politi And she's an idiot, as well.
In her interview on her way in, they said, "Is there anything you're afraid of?" And she went, "Oh, yeah, rats.
" Don't be a dick! Now, there's going to be rats.
If I was going in, I'd go, "I'm scared of beer.
" If I see a can of beer, I freak out.
And beds and chocolate and crisps.
Sky Sports.
(GROANS) I feel I'm going to be sick just listing it.
She said, "I'm doing the show because 16 million people watch it "and I think MPs should be going where people go.
" What, the Outback?! But she said one of the reasons she wants to do it is she wants to discuss and communicate her views on abortion.
And I think that's just what ITV have got in mind, isn't it? Prime-time TV is a serious discussion about abortion with Eric Bristow and shit Doctor Who going, "Oh, really? I didn't know that.
" It's not the kind of TV that ITV have got in mind and they're probably going to edit all that out, and they'll just have her with a kangaroo's bollock hanging outside her mouth.
Would you do it, Louis? No way! I hate spiders, I hate moths.
Moths?! DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER You hate moths? It's just a black and white butterfly.
How can you hate moths? When I got home the other day, I saw this massive moth in my bathroom.
- When I got home the other day, I saw this massive moth in my bathroom.
- You saw a moth in your bathroom? Yeah.
I needed to have a shower and I was too scared to go in, so I You were too scared?! I went into the bathroom with this super-strong hairspray - I went into the bathroom with this super-strong hairspray - What?! Seriously.
And you did the moth's hair? No.
I sprayed this moth, shut the door, waited for a minute, saw it on the floor, sprayed it and then literally crucified it.
Like, it was just stuck.
The poor moth was there, he's blind He ain't blind! Is he blind? Yes! Now you feel bad, don't you? Basically, you've gone up to a blind person and just sprayed hairspray in their face.
Imagine, right at that moment, some sort of electricity disaster happened and you were turned into Mothman.
It would be terrifying.
You could both fly and, like, flip and roll.
Then you'd go into the jungle and you would tear that game apart.
Carol, would you ever go into the jungle? What would it take? No, I wouldn't go into the jungle.
Do you get offered it every year? - Do you get offered it every year? - Yeah.
Shall I tell you how much they offered me this year? Yeah, yeah! Go on.
- Yeah, yeah! Go on.
- £250,000.
£250,000? And you went, "No, I'm not doing it.
Not worth it.
" - And you went, "No, I'm not doing it.
Not worth it.
" - No.
Can I go dressed as you? - Can I go dressed as you? - I'll go tomorrow.
I think it was 250,000.
I'm not very good with numbers.
I think it was 250,000.
I'm not very good with numbers.
(SEAN) 25? It was in the hundreds.
- It was in the hundreds.
- (TOM) Even if it's 25, I'd eat the whole kangaroo.
I'd start at its feet and just eat I'd eat its fur, its face.
I'd eat the whole kangaroo! - I'd let the kangaroo eat my balls! Let's have a look if Nadine Dorries is up there.
(CAROL) Yay! Yes, I'm A Celebrity started last night.
I'm A Celebrity is a great way to revive your showbiz career.
Just look at Freddie Starr - he went in last year and now he's never out the papers.
Fingers on buzzers, one more thing to get.
There's a movie coming out called Twilight and, to translate that for anyone who's over 12 Sexy, sexy vampires.
Do you want to have a look? Is this the Twilight thing? Do you want to see the trailer for this movie? (CAROL) Yes, please.
It looks awesome.
Check it out.
I've had a bad habit of underestimating you.
Every obstacle you'd face, I'd think you couldn't overcome it.
But you just did.
I didn't expect you to seem soyou.
My time as human was over, but I never felt more alive.
'I thought we would be safe forever.
'But forever isn't as long as I'd hoped.
' I have to report a crime.
The Cullens - they've done something terrible.
I'll never let anybody hurt you.
That was awesome, wasn't it? - That was awesome, wasn't it? - It was brilliant.
I'm excited by that.
It'll be fun.
I can't talk about it, because I'm actually suing them.
Cos they nicked an idea I wrote a book a few years ago.
It's about a teenage girl's doomed love for an umpire.
It was an impossible love.
He was 15, and he lived in Hertfordshire.
She was 16 and it was never going to work, and he tried to put her off.
He said, "No.
" At the time, he was involved in a battle with referees and Formula 1 marshals about control of a particular sporting body.
I've heard about this.
They've just basically taken my doomed love for an umpire story and just changed They've tweaked it.
Just changed two letters made ¤150, like, billion.
And I want my slice! If you're not familiar with the films, it's basically the story of a teenage girl's choice between necrophilia and bestiality.
I don't watch these films.
You know when you go to the cinema, all these films As soon as human beings start flying, I just go, "Nah.
I'm out.
" You're boring! - You're boring! - Has nobody seen any of them? I've seen the three so far.
Don't you think Kristen Stewart's a bit dirty.
I don't mean dirty, like sexy.
I mean, like grubby.
I just want to get her with a bit of dry shampoo and a nit comb.
I always think her acting style's weird.
She looks like she smelt a fart.
She smelt her hair! She cheated on her boyfriend in real life, Kristin Stewart, and you just think, "Don't cheat if you're Kristin Stewart.
" You know had John Major had an affair.
You just think, You know had John Major had an affair.
You just think, "Oh, well, you're only going to get offered three shags ever.
So if you take a bonus one, that's But if you're Kristin Stewart, that's taking the piss.
Kristin and Robert are going out.
Do you think they're meant to be, Sean? Oh, God.
I've done a tapestry all about it.
How the tussle between love and the future and the powerful forces - can they be reconciled within that relationship? Two powerful people coming together, just exploding! It's amazing.
I can tell you the new Twilight film isn't in the top three, but the fans often refer to themselves as Twihards, although I prefer the term Twunts.
Well, that's it for part one.
Join us after the break to see what else is in our top three.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
We're trying to guess the most talked about things over the last week.
Fingers on buzzers.
Strictly Come Dancing.
Louis's show.
Strictly How strict is it? Pretty strict.
Are they pretty hard? - Are they pretty hard? - Pretty strict, yeah.
Is the training harder? Because you're an Olympian, right? Silver medallist.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Is it tougher than that, the training? Yeah.
Not really though? It is.
For me, for my gymnastics training, I'd prepared for 19 years, although it was hard, I was used to it, whereas, this is completely different.
Are you not favourite to win? I don't know.
I try not to pay any attention to it.
So do I, but it's always bloody hard.
LAUGHTER - LAUGHTER - Let's have at look at you in action.
SALSA MUSIC CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE My favourite thing about the critique you got for that dance was Craig Revel Horwood said that was "very, very masculine.
" LAUGHTER In fact, he said, "The samba can look very mincey," and I made it look more masculine than it should be.
He used the phrase "very, very masculine.
" I watched it thrice to make sure.
LAUGHTER You're not gonna disagree with that paragon of masculinity, Craig.
I don't have the eyes for it, but if you can pull off a sequined, see-through low-cut top, and look masculine, then ah, you're a better man than me.
How did you manage in the Morris dancing? I don't think we've got round to that one yet.
They do the paso doble, the cha cha cha, foxtrot but they don't do the dances people normally do, like just pub dancing.
LAUGHTER And now, it's Louis and Tatiana dancing to Chumbawumba! LAUGHTER DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE Come on, Eileen! I said to them one week, "You should do it where the celebrities teach the pros a dance "and we do it that way," because you'd come up with some interesting routines, I think.
Some pretty crap ones, I'd have thought.
I haven't watched it this series.
I always watch it.
My main thing with Strictly is the theme tune.
I use it generally to get me through difficult moments in life.
(LAUGHS) I think it should be a remedy for people with bipolar disorder.
People say, "My life is falling apart," the therapist should go Da-da-da-da-da! Get it stuck in their head, just keeps you going all day long.
Da-da-da-da-da If my wife says, "Go and put the bins out," I just go, Da-da-da-da-da What I can't do is the little Bruce jokes in between.
They make me so nervous, watching him.
I'd be more comfortable watching Bruce do a high-wire act.
Get him reading one joke off the autocue.
An audience should never know the punch line before the comedian, and he doesn't know it ten minutes after he's told it.
Carol, what was Brucie like at school? LAUGHTER He was a lovely boy.
I've been on Strictly, series two - I've been on Strictly, series two - Oh, of course.
I got booted out when I did a rumba and Richard Whiteley used to go, "Go on, do your rumba face," which is my trying to look sexy face, which went something like Is there a rumba face? Can you do a rumba face? I haven't done a rumba yet, but I'm sure it would go something like Oh! That's sort of sexy.
You do your rumba face.
- You do your rumba face.
- It's more LAUGHTER That's sexier.
I think Tony may be allergic to rumba and has had a stroke.
If you won it, would it be a bigger deal than winning at the Olympics? I didn't win at the Olympics, so probably, yeah.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Good answer! Let's see if Strictly is one of the most talked about things this week.
APPLAUSE Yes, the competition for Strictly Come Dancing is heating up.
Lisa Riley's odds have gone from 66-1, to 10-1.
"Mmm," she thought, "Ten to one.
" LAUGHTER Those were the most talked about things this week, but in other news, cyclist, Bradley Wiggins has been knocked off his bike by a motorist.
Bradley Wiggins was rushed to hospital and stabilised by adding two smaller wheels to his big back wheel.
LAUGHTER It's been revealed the Prime Minister and Rebekah Brooks exchanged intimate text messages.
Our lawyers have been strict on this, so with that in mind, I'd like to say Rebekah Brooks is a blanking ginger blank, who blanked for Rupert Murdoch, blanked to the Leveson Inquiry, blanked to the police and once even blanked a horse, while David Cameron stood by blanking.
LAUGHTER And in India this week, 50 elephants went on a drunken rampage after drinking 500 litres of moonshine.
In other news, a hen party from Wigan has gone missing.
LAUGHTER At the end of that, Sean, Alice and Louis have two points, Jon, Carol and Tony have one.
APPLAUSE So our next round is pick of the polls.
Jon, Carol, Tony, what do you like the look of? Well, not to make an awkward situation, but I like the look of Louis.
OK, here's you question Well, you see, for me, I'd rather a gymnast.
Because they're fitter, they've got bigger muscles, haven't they? Go on, show us the guns.
Come on.
Look at those biceps! And gymnasts are a lot less rapey than footballers.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I happen to know that because I coached the Chinese gymnastic team in the Olympics.
You know, the one where you run across the mat.
- Floor.
- I was good at that.
A lot of this is technical and you might not understand, because he's at the coaching level.
I could do a flip for you.
- I could do a flip for you.
- What flip can you do? I can do a back flip.
No, you can't do a back flip.
I need to have everything LAUGHTER I didn't think you could look any weirder.
APPLAUSE It's quick! Oh! I'm not as nippy as I used to be.
What do you think? A footballer or a gymnast? The only time I've ever spent an evening with a footballer, it was a long, long, time ago.
Tell me everything.
I just happened to be standing next to a footballer and there were a lot of girls handing their number to him and all sorts of things.
And were you adding up all the numbers and dividing them? I would go for gymnasts, because I hate clammy hands and they always have talc on them.
I just hate, you know, sticky, tacky You see, that's why I wouldn't, I don't like chalky tits.
LAUGHTER Chalky tits? Sounds like a terrible nickname.
(LAUGHS) Who's gonna be there? Chalky tits will be there, yeah.
They can't turn it off, can they? Sex with a gymnast is fine but the dismount is difficult.
It's all about the dismount, I've said this before.
Do you end up by the side of the bed with your knees straight? - Do you end up by the side of the bed with your knees straight? - Bent.
I look for recognition, she gives me the nod, I can go make the cup of tea.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Did you get into gymnastics because of the pune tang? Pune Tang, the North Korean pommel horse champion.
LAUGHTER The attention has been nice since the Olympics, I'm not gonna lie.
My feet haven't had the chance to touch the floor yet When you go out LAUGHTER It's all about the dismount! I read an interview with you, Louis, where you said once you'd rather spoon a girl than have sex with her.
Even I read that and I thought, "Nice.
" If it's my girlfriend, that's different, but if it's some person I've met and they seem nice, I'd rather have a nice spoon, wake up next day Player.
(CAROL) Ah - (CAROL) Ah - You're such a lovely man.
What do you think, Jon? Footballer or a gymnast? I think most women, Jimmy, just want to be loved.
LAUGHTER I think all women want different things, don't they? Just like all people.
(SEAN) Some women I think women like being patronised.
(LAUGHS) What do you think, Alice? A footballer or a gymnast? I think I'd have to go gymnast, and not just because of the members of my team.
(SEAN) I'd rather date a footballer, because gymnasts, most of them are underage, aren't they? LAUGHTER You're much shorter than I remember.
Yeah, what's going on? Where are his hands? Where are his hands? I'm not What do you mean I'm shorter? You're shorter than I remember you being.
I'm sorry if you're not happy with the height that I've presented you with tonight.
I'm sorry.
I don't remember being booked on 8 Out Of 10 Tallest People.
I wasn't put on this show for that reason.
I was booked for the opinions I've got on some very serious issues.
Now, let's get on You've got tiny little hands.
It's really freaking me out, man.
But he is limber like a gymnast.
I am, aren't I? Loads of people are uncomfortable because of my height and arm span, Surely somebody as short as you shouldn't have long arms like this.
Oh, sorry about that.
Are you auditioning for the role of Mr Tickle? LAUGHTER You're an incredible sportsman, we all know that, Sean.
Did you come closer to being a professional footballer or a gymnast? I was rubbish at football and never did any gymnastics.
At my school they said you can do fencing and they had their two swords and one mask, so someone was going to lose an eye.
LAUGHTER OK, let's get some answers on this.
What do you think over here? - What do you think over here? - I think sadly the answer is false.
Sean? NAME? Because women are totally deluded and liars.
Falsehood lies in their breasts.
Their hearts are forged on a revolving wheel and they will spike your soul and bury it in the ground.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I can tell you the answer is true.
57% of women would rather date a gymnast than a footballer.
APPLAUSE At the end of that round, Sean's team have three points and Jon's team have one.
APPLAUSE That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here is your first one.
Check your unit.
Or scratch it.
Just give it a good old scratch.
What's the first thing you do in the morning? Take off the blindfold, and She's read 50 Shades Of Grey, hasn't she? Top thing people do as soon as they wake up.
Well, I smell my hand.
I can't believe I'm going to do it but I want to ask.
Why do you smell your hand? You just never know, you're having a restless night Is it ever good news? Yes, usually good news.
It's usually pretty good news actually, Jim.
- It's usually pretty good news actually, Jim.
- What's classed as good news? Really good news is The best wake-up I ever had, I used to have a cabin bed You used to have a what, sorry? - You used to have a what, sorry? - A cabin bed, you know, a bed that's built over a wardrobe and a desk.
So it's like a bunk bed but instead of a brother, you've got storage, which I think LAUGHTER - LAUGHTER - .
is the better deal, innit? I rolled out of it while I was asleep and woke up in midair.
It was unbelievable - knowing you're about to hit the ground, and I was already laughing.
LAUGHTER The best thing when you wake up is, I have a recurring nightmare about three or four times a week that I'm back at school and I'm outside chemistry and I haven't done my homework and my label's come off my calculator.
I have that dream about three or four times a week and it's worth it for the feeling of waking up and going, "I never have to go to school ever again.
" We never have to go to school again, isn't that fucking amazing? You don't have to do geography, chemistry, maths, never have to do PE.
Whoo! Not you, obviously, you've done PE for a living.
You're the best at PE.
Thank you.
Maths, not so great.
Maths is great.
Maths is gymnastics for the mind.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I only know my times tables because of Carol.
Did you watch that video? We had the cassette because we weren't posh.
Yeah, pop music times tables with Carol just going, "Two times two" Two times two is four.
Get funky.
You can get this amazing sleep app on your phone.
It turns itself on when it hears anything during the night and you wake up in the morning and it's got six recordings and you can play them back.
It would be like Paranormal Activity.
It's brilliant! You can upload it to the app.
The top ten are actually women farting while they're sleeping.
Well, they've got more holes, haven't they? LAUGHTER I'm just saying that from a scientific perspective, that's an explanation.
It's the same reason they don't like spiders.
Why? Because you've got more places for the spiders to hide.
I've only got one - and if a spider wants to go up there, bloody good luck to him.
- Alarm.
- It's not the alarm.
Press snooze! Is the right answer.
Yes, the first thing people do when they wake up is hit the snooze button.
I've got a morning ritual I've been doing for years.
- Wake up, find out her name, apologise.
Find out his name, leave.
OK, best way to make an ex jealous.
I'd say going on Strictly.
Going on Strictly is the best way to get back at an ex? Not getting back but obviously making them jealous, cos they don't want to see your face any more but you're on every week.
Yeah, but you are wearing a lot of glitter.
- Yeah, but you are wearing a lot of glitter.
- But making it look masculine.
Of course you are(!) I think being able to fit into their clothes, that makes them jealous.
"Look, I can get into your clothes.
" Turn up, waddling in one of their dresses going, "Look, it fits me better than it fits you! "I could look better than you in this dress!" It's jealous not terrified.
Ride by their house in your new golden van.
I've got a van made of gold! Tony, for the last time, you've got a yellow car.
It's a golden van, man! Do any of you stay in touch with your exes? Not a question for you, Jon, obviously.
Can I just ask, what happened with his ex? Jon's, yeah? (SEAN) She didn't exist.
LAUGHTER It became a bit of a problem, because she wasn't there and he was buying her things and she was just air.
And eventually he got quite cross with her for not really having a body.
So he finished with her? Yes, he went like this (EXHALES).
- Yes, he went like this (EXHALES).
- I think she dumped him.
What about you, do you keep in touch with any of your exes? No.
Do they meet up and have like, a support group? Have you ever got the mistake text, but like the deliberate on purpose one where you send one deliberately to your ex, but you've constructed it so it looks like it's to someone else? So you've gone, "Thanks for such a great night.
"Oh, I'm so glad I'm so happy and slim and beautiful.
"See you soon, sexy boy! Alice.
" Have you genuinely done that? I've read about it.
You've read about it in your Send texts? Another one on the list is change your relationship status on Facebook.
Oh, what a shit world.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Is it - which is what I will do - just have no contact with them whatsoever? I will give you that, it's ignore them.
Exactly, yes! APPLAUSE The best way to make an ex jealous is to ignore them.
- I tried ignoring my ex-girlfriend to see how she liked it.
Turned out, she liked it.
BUZZER It's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means the final scores are, Sean, Alice and Louis have three points, Jon, Carol and Tony have three, which means it's a draw.
Everyone's a winner.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to you for watching at home.
That's it from us, good night.
Red Bee Media Ltd