8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s14e07 Episode Script
Episode 7
This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, viva Las Vegas, it's Johnny Vegas.
Cooking up a storm, it's Lorraine Pascale and their team captain, Jon Richardson.
Facing them tonight, our top answer isVernon Kay.
Off school, baby, it's Henning Wehn.
And their captain, Sean Lock.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
APPLAUSE Hello.
Welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 32% of Britons aged between 25 and 39 live at home with their parents.
That can be awkward sometimes.
For instance, if you're a grown-up watching this with your parents, why don't you all take a moment to imagine each other having sex? See, awkward.
Only 1% of Brits don't own a TV.
You know what I call people like that? Anything I like - they're not going to see this.
And 15% of men have never touched a vacuum cleaner.
I've never touched a vacuum cleaner.
I've literally no idea how it got up there.
Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About is the first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five talking points.
Jon's team, what has the nation been talking about? Is it the BBC? It's an extraordinary crisis, a crazy thing that's happened.
It's got to the point where it's impossible for them to regain their trust.
For that to happen, Stephen Fry would have to cure cancer live on Strictly.
According to a poll, faith in BBC journalism has dropped 44%, though I don't know if you can trust that poll because it was conducted by the BBC.
It's not that we've lost trust in the BBC, we've lost trust in elements, says she, Mrs BBC.
I'll be honest, nobody's questioning the bakery shows.
Nobody's going, "That flan is going to rise because of a bit of yeast? No way!" Presumably you're up for the job of Director-General? Yes, I have been asked.
You must be on a list, everyone's on a list.
I think you are.
You're on it.
Jimmy's going to be treasurer.
APPLAUSE It's ridiculous that the BBC have lost trust.
If you compare it to News International, when they had phone hacking, they did their own investigation and they covered it up for years so that it's caused the Leveson Inquiry.
Whereas the BBC made a mistake and went, "We made a mistake.
" This is a witch-hunt against the BBC usually by forces with other purposes on their mind, the evil Murdoch empire.
I think the BBC should sack loads of people who don't do their job properly.
The BBC as an institution still works.
Newsnight were doing reports based on what was written on bridges.
"Gibbo's a nonce.
" Somebody's written "Gibbo is a nonce" on a bridge.
Well, Gibbo must be a nonce, then.
It doesn't help, because the BBC it's the lead story in the news.
I've been listening to 5 Live, and all they talk about is Newsnight.
It's like, fellas, put the gun down and step away.
The problem is the BBC is the state broadcaster, and in Britain, there is such a hefty scepticism towards anything to do with state that any shortcomings, everyone jumps at the opportunity.
So then, in a way, Britain is the last bastion of communism in Europe.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I'd like to hear more about why we're the most bastion of communism.
Because the state is seen as the enemy.
It's all aspects of the BBC, like little things, like Jeremy Paxman, why did he have to fly in business class? He said because he had to get some work done.
In Germany, everyone would accept that, yeah, that's fair enough.
In Britain, everyone goes, "He's not going to do any work - "he's just going to eat peanuts and getting drunk.
" LAUGHTER Had he gone standard class, everyone would have gone, "Why can't he go on a coach?" Had he gone on the coach, "Why doesn't he take a bicycle?" "What, he walks, in them expensive shoes? Can't he walk barefoot?" APPLAUSE George Entwhistle, he was in the job 54 days and he was given a full year's salary, £450,000, to leave.
David Mellor said he had the leadership qualities of Winnie the Pooh.
I think man-managing Tigger cannot be an easy job.
If you're in a meeting with him, "I'm aware of what the wonderful thing about Tiggers are, but we've got to get this report finished.
"There'll be plenty of time for bouncy, bouncy, bouncy" In any other period, "Oh, he made a mistake," but when you come in in that environment and your argument is they did a whole Newsnight report on naming paedophiles and I didn't check it.
If I was Director-General of the BBC, I would know everything - who won Bargain Hunt every day.
There would be meetings, "Who is this Iggle Piggle prick?" And after 54 days, he can't stamp any authority on anything.
So Newsnight, in a way, they just acted like gambling addicts.
They had the winning lottery ticket, that the was the Savile story.
That was the winning lottery ticket, but they lost it in the wash.
So they remortgaged the house and bought scratch cards.
That is what happened - yeah! I don't get the difference, right Well, I do now, I've realised, when you resign, you get paid.
When I worked at B&Q, I got sacked for building an A-Team style tank out of company materials.
And I stupidly stuck around until they gave me my marching orders - I should have resigned and shot a hole in the wall and fucked off.
But I didn't, I just kept building.
He's touched on something which I wanted to talk about.
Really? - Really? - Yes.
Yeah.
It's where Phillip Schofield will be working soon.
I'm surprised he hasn't had more crap from this, because that bit where he handed the Prime Minister a list of names of paedophiles not only did he partially start off this witch-hunt, he made the Prime Minister look good.
The Prime Minister looked really together.
What was the Prime Minister doing on ITV? Where is he on next, like Nuts magazine TV? The worst thing is, I was watching Phillip Schofield, I thought he looked ridiculous, "Oh, I found this in three minutes.
" That's what Schofield did.
Imagine what Richard Madeley would have done.
He'd have been dressed as Jimmy Savile saying, "I've written a list on my knob.
" Let's see if the crisis at the BBC is one of the most talked about things last week.
Of course, the most talked-about thing.
Yes, the BBC is in crisis.
I think the BBC will be all right.
They still have Brucie, although it has been cold.
Last Friday, all the top BBC stars did their bit for Children In Need.
Freddie Starr stayed at home, and Jimmy Savile remained dead.
APPLAUSE Sean's team, what else have the nation been talking about? Is it the fact that Abu Qatada, like Peter Andre, won't be going back to Jordan? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Which is the real tragedy - that's the real tragedy, when will she find love? On another matter, yes, we can't get rid of Abu Qatada.
It's terrible.
You can't push him on a plane, you can't drag him onto a boat.
Do what you do with parents and send them on a coach holiday.
They think they're going out for the day, and you can send them away forever.
Hello, Abu Qatada, you're on Channel 4's Coach Trip.
Can you imagine, "Oh, well, this fella turned up, suspected terrorist, can't believe it! "Put him at the back, he'll be all right with a can of fizzy pop.
" Is it true it's going to cost £5 million for a year.
That's a whole year.
- That's a whole year.
- Oh! So not unreasonable.
That's all right, then.
Yes, £100,000 a week, cos apparently he's watched by 60 police officers, and there's cameras and microphones all over his house.
60? - 60? - 60 police officers.
Don't they get in the way of each other? I think they're on What's he doing, running around like a lunatic? Does he run around loads so it costs more money.
"Ha, can't see me now!" They're going, "Where the fuck is he?" He's being filmed all the time in his house.
Technically, we own that footage, cos we're paying for it.
He's going to fall over, stub his toe.
He should have a one-weekly highlight package.
Abu's Been Framed, that's what I'm pitching it as.
And he's going to be pretty sexually frustrated.
If you've got cameras all over your house.
Week one, I can see him get annoyed.
Week two, his showers are getting a bit longer.
By week three, he's looking down the lens going, "It's happening now.
" You watch if you want, but this is going to finish very angrily.
A little glimpse into Jon's world.
I think that Abu Qatada gets a lot of unfair press here in the country.
He's always described as the nightmare neighbour.
How can he be a nightmare neighbour? He's not allowed to leave the house.
He's not allowed to have visitors.
The police is always on the doorstep.
He's a brilliant neighbour.
Also, if you have a parcel coming, you can say, "Leave it at Abu's.
" APPLAUSE Guaranteed to always be in.
Probably people won't do that for him, though.
"Yeah, I'll have one of Abu's parcels.
" OK, let's see if Abu Qatada getting released is one of the most talked-about things.
APPLAUSE Yes, radical Muslim cleric Abu Qatada has been released from prison.
The Abu Qatada row has blown up over nothing.
As have a lot of Abu Qatada's friends.
GROANS AND LAUGHTER Jon's team? What else? There's a new leader of China and, therefore, the world called Xi Jinping, who is being touted as this very informal leader.
I don't know how you'd be an informal leader of a country that kills three times more people than anyone else in the world.
You want to do it with a smile on your face.
"Anyway, guys, get back to work or I'll kill you all.
"I'm an informal guy.
I haven't got a tie on, but I'll shoot you.
" Security during the week-long congress includes they banned kites.
And they stopped taxi passengers from rolling down their windows.
Did they ban the foul-mouthed fan sellers of Shanghai.
There's thousands of fan sellers and they sell these decorated fans, beautiful fans.
When you actually ask to buy a fan or look at them, the fan sellers are notoriously rude and they go, "What the fuck you looking at? "If you want to buy a fucking fan, otherwise fuck off.
" LAUGHTER Who could argue with that? This is from the Congress last week, one of the Chinese delegates was photographed yawning during the President's speech.
Take a look.
We would like to send condolences to his family.
You don't know, if he is from West China, it was probably 14 days on the back of a rickshaw to get there, and the moment they found out, they go, "What? Who's paying for that? Couldn't he walk?" APPLAUSE I can tell you it's not in our top five, but China underwent a once-in-a-decade transfer of political power.
China's changed.
It no longer has an autocratic, ruthless, militaristic leader called Hu Jintao - it's now governed by an autocratic, ruthless, militaristic leader called Xi Jinping.
What else have the nation been talking about? From a sporting perspective, it's got to be the fantastic Swedish goal scored by Zlatan Ibrahimovic.
An overhead kick, phenomenal.
I thought it was OK.
Let's look at this incredible goal.
APPLAUSE What's phenomenal, he took his top off and he got booked.
He should have been allowed to take all his clothes off and have sex on the penalty spot, and we should have had to wait until he finished.
Why do you need to take your top off? I agree with the ref.
He has no choice, it's FIFA regulations.
It's rule 17.
Exactly.
LAUGHTER Rules are important, aren't they, Henning? Let me tell you the best goal ever - will never be scored in a friendly game.
- I agree.
Show it on the big stage when it matters.
What's the favourite German goal? Any one we scored in a World Cup final.
Their favourite goal is getting hold of Poland.
What's the thing you are proudest ever? I imagine that will be the moment he's most proud of.
- For me, genuinely? You really want to know?- Yeah.
One time I told a builder to fuck off.
One time you A builderI opened the door I was in the early stages of pissing myself and I went, "Fuck off.
" I didn't even discuss it with him.
He came around and went, "It's going to be" I went, "Fuck off.
" "I was in the early stages of pissing myself" That's the funniest phrase I ever heard.
Why did you open the door, then? I honestly thought he might have a good quote and I wouldn't mind pissing myself.
I actually squeezed the end of my penis and run to the toilet.
APPLAUSE Well, I can tell you it's not up there.
The Swedish striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic has scored the greatest goal ever against England.
This is the most amazing football feat since John Terry managed to persuade a jury that he's not a racist.
Three more things to get.
What do you think? I'm A Celebrity thing.
It was an incredible thing this week.
One of the tasks was one of the girls had to eat an ostrich anus.
That must have tasted like shit.
The next task, she had to go into an enclosed space with a live ostrich and not exhale.
If a live ostrich smells its partner's anus on your breath, you are going to get pecked to death! People I thinkI can't bear on it now is Ant and Dec, because they're like, they just laugh.
They're like Gaddafi's sons.
People are being tortured.
"Ha-ha! You're being tortured "and you have to eat this! Ha-ha! More torture.
" A woman in a coffin having insects call crawling over her face, and they're going, "Ha-ha!" You can't tire of watching people going, "Argh!" It doesn't get boring.
It's stuff in between.
"I miss my family.
" I don't - they throw things.
You would be incredible on the show.
Did they offer it to you? Every year.
Every year, I happen to be in a supermarket where I can buy stuff.
I don't have to beg for it.
You are doing your shopping, they go, "Like to do I'm A Celebrity?" Or any of them.
You go, "Yeah, but I am here and I have nine Twixes "and I don't have to do a task.
" Would you go on, Lorraine? Absolutely no way.
I like my personal space.
I don't want these people around me all the time, getting on my nerves, having to eat anuses and willies.
It's not my thing.
That's a shame.
APPLAUSE Let's see if I'm A Celebrity is up there.
Yes.
I'm A Celebrity continues.
I am not saying the celebrities this year are unknown, but they were asked to turn up with a utility bill and two other forms of ID.
Previous winners include Joe Pasquale, Phil Tufnell, Tony Blackburn and Christopher Biggins - if you want to see those winners together, head to the Marlowe Theatre in Canterbury for Puss In Boots.
Two more to get.
Is it the story about Frankie Dettori? A story about Frankie Dettori.
Fun-time Frankie.
And rumours he will be soon charged for cocaine in the French some French race meeting.
Yes, he has been accused of taking cocaine.
He has not admitted taking cocaine, as yet.
I am not a big horse-racing fan - it's just an excuse to give short people jobs.
Why don't jockeys ever do panto? It's weird.
Do you think they had an agreement with the dwarfs? They met up in a car park late at night with weapons and clubs and knives and spanners and went, "OK, "you don't ride horses, "we won't do panto.
" That's an agreement.
What annoys me about people who get caught doing drugs, loads of people do drugs.
When celebrities and athletes get caught, they describe it as a moment of madness.
Was it madness when you decided you wanted cocaine, you bought cocaine and did the cocaine? I will show you a moment of madness.
You want to see a moment of madness? Bleurgh! Aaargh! That's a moment of madness.
You call that a moment of madness? Go on, then.
I don't want to be in the papers for killing you.
Moment of madness? Me killing you and trying to eat your hair.
Lorraine, what do you think of Frankie Dettori? Do you think it's acceptable for sportsmen to take recreational drugs? Of course not.
I know he does it to stay slim.
It's not performance-enhancing, is it? It is, because the horse will go faster if you're lighter I love the way you explained that, because now I know why I was never a jockey.
That was the RSPCA stopped that.
LAUGHTER If he wants to lose weight by taking cocaine, he can't have taken the same cocaine that Maradona took.
APPLAUSE He got fatter and fatter.
He is the only man I have ever seen with a cocaine belly.
His problem was he wasn't taking pure cocaine - he was cutting it with Utterly Butterly.
If he had cut it with Flora, which is 95% less saturated fat .
.
he wouldn't have had that problem.
OK, let's see if Frankie Dettori is one of the most talked about things.
APPLAUSE Yes, Frankie Dettori has failed a drugs test.
They first suspected he may have taken cocaine when he won the 3.
20 at Epsom without a horse.
OK, one more thing to get.
Fingers on buzzers.
OK, what do you think? Well, I imagine it's the news that's rocking teenager boys everywhere, and it's the release of the new Call Of Duty computer game.
GUNFIRE NOISES "There's a girl at the door.
" Argh! You say teenage boys, but last year, the games market in the UK was worth £1.
9 billion.
Queued up over there.
Four days camping out.
Would you ever camp out four days for a game? What would you camp out days for? Brain Trainer.
New edition! I'd camp out for four days, if I was going camping.
I read a sentence - the great thing about this game is you can live-stream multiplayer games in real-time to YouTube.
It took me longer to understand that sentence than for them to complete the whole game.
That implies you could watch other people playing a computer game online.
People are going to log on and go, "What are you doing?" "I'm watching a Peruvian kid play a Russian kid "at a shooting game.
" "I'm leaving you.
" The funny thing, it's also got Nazi zombies in this, apparently.
I am not sure where they come in or how they come in.
I mean, if something's risen from the grave and is about to eat my brain, I don't really care about their ideology.
APPLAUSE I was playing a Japanese gentleman at FIFA, and he didn't speak any English throughout the whole contest, it was me and him.
He beat me 9-0.
At the end, I said, "Thank you very much, I got a well-deserved spanking," and he just said, "Hey, Mr English, fuck you!" Let's look and see if it's up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, the new computer game has been released.
Call Of Duty Black Ops 2 is the most exciting, futuristic, slick, engrossing, brutal, Hollywood produced reason you are still a virgin at 30, ever.
So those were the most talked-about things this week, but in other news, the CIA has been rocked by revelations its chief, General Petraeus, had an affair.
He was betrayed by private emails.
Private emails is now facing court martial.
This is the most disappointing thing to happen in the American espionage community since Brody's wife stopped getting her norks out in Homeland.
The Church of England have announced the Bishop of Durham is to become the new Archbishop of Canterbury.
He's made up, as is his religion.
At the end of that, Sean's team have two points, Jon's team have three points.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Sean, Henning, Vernon, your turn first.
What do you fancy? Come on, the bloke in the top left-hand corner.
The old man covering his ears.
Here's your related question.
What do you think, Henning? Do you think people judge you? You have a bit of an accent.
I've got a bit of an accent.
Definitely there is a certain degree of judgment.
I recently did a gig in Bolton.
I got heckled with the wonderful line, "Fuck off back to London.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ten years of listening to Chaz and Dave finally paid off! Sean, what do you think, do British people judge others on their accent? Well, I judge people long before they've opened their mouths.
Saves a lot of time, doesn't it? Straight in there.
It's interesting because there's a, what's the word, a contingency in your voice and it moves around and you can change certain things.
But the only way you really know how someone speaks is when they sneeze.
That's their true voice.
You can't put on a sneeze.
I was walking down the street in East London, there was an old Cockney walking in front of me, like this Then he was building up to a sneeze and he actually went "Ehhhhhh, ehhhhhhhh, "ehhhh-ehhhhh," and then he went "Ehhhhhhh-choo!" LAUGHTER I thought, that's a Cockney sneeze.
You couldn't put that on.
No, you couldn't.
That's a natural noise.
My wife does a terrible thing.
She doesn't give you any warning.
No, she just goes, "Choo".
LAUGHTER There's no, "Ahhhh, ahhhh"? Nothing.
No warning.
She's sitting there "Choo!" Oh, shit.
It's like I've been shot.
LAUGHTER Johnny, do you think anyone ever judges you by your accent? Yeah, course they do.
It's not your accent, Johnny, it's the bollocks you talk.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I know that I'm judged by my accent because there's certain letters and certain vowels that I miss out.
There's whole words you miss.
LAUGHTER Yeah, like, "Sorry, Jimmy," when I run over you later.
LAUGHTER Jon, 81% of people admit changing their voice depending on who they're talking to.
Do you do that? No, James.
I acquire accents quite quickly.
If I do gigs and go to a town, I instantly start thinking in the voice of where I am.
Does that not sound like you're taking the piss? Exactly.
If I've been doing gigs in Newcastle and you go to a club after you go, "Cheers mate!" And you say "Oh, fuck, I'll get the shit kicked out of me.
" I'm no good at accents, I can do them if I've got key phrases.
If I'm trying to do Scouse, I have to say, (SCOUSE ACCENT) "I want some chicken and a can of coke.
" LAUGHTER That's not bad, that.
Before I can start.
I can do Belfast only if I say, "Ginger and community.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What do you think? Let's get some answers.
True or false? What do you think, Sean? True.
What do you say, Jon? True.
- True.
- The answer is false.
Only 25% of Brits say they judge people by their accents.
Rubbish.
APPLAUSE Over generations our accents become hard wired into our brains.
For example, Chinese people find it difficult to pronounce Rs, Germans struggle with Ws and girls from Essex find it almost impossible to say no.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, Jon, what do you like the look of? Shall we have the garcon? The waiter? OK, the waiter, we asked our audience It's got to be home cooking.
Otherwise I'm out of a job.
How many of the recipes that you've cooked on telly do you think people have done at home? LAUGHTER What are you saying? I watch your shows, but I don't bake muffins.
That's all I'm saying.
I've done one of Hello! No, look LAUGHTER Lots of people He cooks my recipes.
Ah! What's happening?! Yeah, yeah.
I've made her recipes and they're lovely.
The thing is, I don't think it's about fancy restaurants anymore.
People don't like fancy restaurants.
They want some nice home cooking or just a steakhouse or something.
OK.
Jon, how do you cook at home, prepare a meal? You spend your afternoon with a bottle of wine doing your prep.
Get it all in your bowls and your jars.
Do you really? You spend the whole day cooking it? Absolutely, and don't have people round either, they'll ruin it.
LAUGHTER I make the best pesto going.
I should have it in jars in restaurants.
He told me about the pesto he cooked and he's very proud of his pesto.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach him out to make pesto and he'll end up with a massive company.
LAUGHTER Some people call a fancy restaurant different, for some people who eat at KFC, going to Nando's is like "Oooohhhh!" Nando's is basically KFC for people who use a knife and fork, isn't it? Woah! Woah! Woah! Woah! We asked the audience what do you prefer? What are you going for, Jon? Home cooking.
Home cooking.
And, Sean, you're going for restaurants? Yeah, restaurants.
OK, I can tell you, 64% of our studio audience preferred home cooking.
APPLAUSE I still like my roast chicken exactly the way my mum served it - in a furious silence after a huge argument with my dad.
At the end of that round, it's three points to Sean's team and four points for Jon's team.
That's it for part two, see you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your question: The worst thing about guests staying overnight is with me, in the morning they expect this big fry up.
They want bacon, eggs, the whole works because they think I'm going to cook all the time.
For me, I'm like Shreddies, milk then sling it.
That's all you're going to get.
When you wake up at breakfast and they're in the kitchen already and you think, who let you out? I bolted that.
(LAUGHS) Sean, do you ever have people over to stay? I love it.
Guests.
My house is just an open house.
I constantly have at least four pianists staying my house just to keep (SINGS RAGTIME-STYLE PIANO MUSIC) It's like New Orleans.
I am just cooking I like having people around.
The trouble is, it's persuading them to stay.
You are always exhausted after, aren't you? Whenever I've got guests, there's a certain degree of exhaustion because you feel a degree of responsibility.
Also, you're not sure in your own house.
You've lost track of what is considered tidy and what is not tidy.
You think, "Well, there might be a broken window "but as long as the pigeons don't fly inthen it's all right.
" Jon, do you ever have people stay over? Sometimes, yeah.
Well, the worst thing is knowing that you're looking after them better than they look after you.
You have to give them clean bedding, I put a bed out and I cook them breakfast and you go around their house and they open up some cupboard and pull out this sticky, horrible sleeping bag that they've had for 15 years and every rank mate they've ever had's come round.
We'll just seal them up in this at night, so their sweat and their feet, really musty.
And then they just pull it out for you and you go, "Why don't we just share bathwater? Why not flush the toilet either?" When they come around mine, I do a little duvet and put the bed out and a clean pillow and then sometimes you think, "Oh, sod off.
" Don't bother coming round and then they leave and I think, "Actually, I wish they'd stayed.
" I mean, I imagine, Johnny, you're pretty much a perfect houseguest.
No, no, no.
My worst thing I can say, he really is.
My worst thing about people staying over is pointing out that your house is not a house, it's an abandoned school and you're a squatter.
Johnny's family were on Family Fortunes and they won a Jacuzzi.
So I would imagine that if you're a guest at Johnny's house, you could nip next door My brother won the Jacuzzi but he's still living with my mum and dad.
Really? So, it wasn't a big bonus.
Has he plumbed it in yet? No, he sold it.
He sold it.
LAUGHTER He sold it and he bought loads of cider.
The thing is, the dimensions of the Jacuzzi were exactly the same as Johnny's brother's backyard.
It wasn't his backyard! It was his parents'! And you gave him a Jacuzzi.
What more tells a man that he's going nowhere? So we had to sell it and when we sold it and he got the money, he got really drunk.
He had two fights in the park .
.
and he bought me a fucking kite, which meant I couldn't vote in the Chinese elections.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE He genuinely did.
He bought me a kite.
I've never had a headache on exactly half of my head before.
(LAUGHS) OK.
The worst thing about guests staying overnight.
The other thing is when you stay at someone's house and they don't tell you straight away what the weird things about their house are.
Just say, "You can't flush the toilet unless you stand "on that floorboard and sing Oklahoma!" Otherwise you're in there at 3am, still trying.
You know they can hear you.
They heard you the first time when it didn't quite flush.
They didn't come out.
They left you in there all night, pulling the thing.
I had to wait a little longer but now it's empty again.
I'm standing here for 20 more frigging minutes, trying to flush this piss away when I had a debate whether it was ruder to leave the piss in but not wake them up with a flush and now I've pulled the flush You asked the fucking question! You are quite fastidious.
I imagine you don't like people using your stuff.
I don't mind it when I give them stuff.
Don't help yourself to stuff.
I mean, make yourself at home, that's a cliche.
You say it but you don't mean it.
They make yourself at home and someone starts making themselves a cup of tea.
You think, "What are you doing? "Get out of my cupboards.
That's not where the tea's kept.
"I'll make you a cup of tea.
" When I said "Make yourself at home" I meant, "Sit down and shut up.
" LAUGHTER (LAUGHS) APPLAUSE Is it the mess? That's basically it.
Clearing up after them.
I'll give you that.
APPLAUSE Yes, the worst thing about having guests staying over is cleaning up after them.
Everyone's welcome at my house as long as they take their shoes off at the front door and then put them straight back on and fuck off.
BUZZER That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show.
The final scores are Sean, Henning and Vernon have four points.
Jon, Lorraine and Johnny have four points.
It's a dead heat.
Everyone's a winner! CHEERING Thanks to our panellists, our studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, good night.
Red Bee Media Ltd
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, viva Las Vegas, it's Johnny Vegas.
Cooking up a storm, it's Lorraine Pascale and their team captain, Jon Richardson.
Facing them tonight, our top answer isVernon Kay.
Off school, baby, it's Henning Wehn.
And their captain, Sean Lock.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
APPLAUSE Hello.
Welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 32% of Britons aged between 25 and 39 live at home with their parents.
That can be awkward sometimes.
For instance, if you're a grown-up watching this with your parents, why don't you all take a moment to imagine each other having sex? See, awkward.
Only 1% of Brits don't own a TV.
You know what I call people like that? Anything I like - they're not going to see this.
And 15% of men have never touched a vacuum cleaner.
I've never touched a vacuum cleaner.
I've literally no idea how it got up there.
Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About is the first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five talking points.
Jon's team, what has the nation been talking about? Is it the BBC? It's an extraordinary crisis, a crazy thing that's happened.
It's got to the point where it's impossible for them to regain their trust.
For that to happen, Stephen Fry would have to cure cancer live on Strictly.
According to a poll, faith in BBC journalism has dropped 44%, though I don't know if you can trust that poll because it was conducted by the BBC.
It's not that we've lost trust in the BBC, we've lost trust in elements, says she, Mrs BBC.
I'll be honest, nobody's questioning the bakery shows.
Nobody's going, "That flan is going to rise because of a bit of yeast? No way!" Presumably you're up for the job of Director-General? Yes, I have been asked.
You must be on a list, everyone's on a list.
I think you are.
You're on it.
Jimmy's going to be treasurer.
APPLAUSE It's ridiculous that the BBC have lost trust.
If you compare it to News International, when they had phone hacking, they did their own investigation and they covered it up for years so that it's caused the Leveson Inquiry.
Whereas the BBC made a mistake and went, "We made a mistake.
" This is a witch-hunt against the BBC usually by forces with other purposes on their mind, the evil Murdoch empire.
I think the BBC should sack loads of people who don't do their job properly.
The BBC as an institution still works.
Newsnight were doing reports based on what was written on bridges.
"Gibbo's a nonce.
" Somebody's written "Gibbo is a nonce" on a bridge.
Well, Gibbo must be a nonce, then.
It doesn't help, because the BBC it's the lead story in the news.
I've been listening to 5 Live, and all they talk about is Newsnight.
It's like, fellas, put the gun down and step away.
The problem is the BBC is the state broadcaster, and in Britain, there is such a hefty scepticism towards anything to do with state that any shortcomings, everyone jumps at the opportunity.
So then, in a way, Britain is the last bastion of communism in Europe.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I'd like to hear more about why we're the most bastion of communism.
Because the state is seen as the enemy.
It's all aspects of the BBC, like little things, like Jeremy Paxman, why did he have to fly in business class? He said because he had to get some work done.
In Germany, everyone would accept that, yeah, that's fair enough.
In Britain, everyone goes, "He's not going to do any work - "he's just going to eat peanuts and getting drunk.
" LAUGHTER Had he gone standard class, everyone would have gone, "Why can't he go on a coach?" Had he gone on the coach, "Why doesn't he take a bicycle?" "What, he walks, in them expensive shoes? Can't he walk barefoot?" APPLAUSE George Entwhistle, he was in the job 54 days and he was given a full year's salary, £450,000, to leave.
David Mellor said he had the leadership qualities of Winnie the Pooh.
I think man-managing Tigger cannot be an easy job.
If you're in a meeting with him, "I'm aware of what the wonderful thing about Tiggers are, but we've got to get this report finished.
"There'll be plenty of time for bouncy, bouncy, bouncy" In any other period, "Oh, he made a mistake," but when you come in in that environment and your argument is they did a whole Newsnight report on naming paedophiles and I didn't check it.
If I was Director-General of the BBC, I would know everything - who won Bargain Hunt every day.
There would be meetings, "Who is this Iggle Piggle prick?" And after 54 days, he can't stamp any authority on anything.
So Newsnight, in a way, they just acted like gambling addicts.
They had the winning lottery ticket, that the was the Savile story.
That was the winning lottery ticket, but they lost it in the wash.
So they remortgaged the house and bought scratch cards.
That is what happened - yeah! I don't get the difference, right Well, I do now, I've realised, when you resign, you get paid.
When I worked at B&Q, I got sacked for building an A-Team style tank out of company materials.
And I stupidly stuck around until they gave me my marching orders - I should have resigned and shot a hole in the wall and fucked off.
But I didn't, I just kept building.
He's touched on something which I wanted to talk about.
Really? - Really? - Yes.
Yeah.
It's where Phillip Schofield will be working soon.
I'm surprised he hasn't had more crap from this, because that bit where he handed the Prime Minister a list of names of paedophiles not only did he partially start off this witch-hunt, he made the Prime Minister look good.
The Prime Minister looked really together.
What was the Prime Minister doing on ITV? Where is he on next, like Nuts magazine TV? The worst thing is, I was watching Phillip Schofield, I thought he looked ridiculous, "Oh, I found this in three minutes.
" That's what Schofield did.
Imagine what Richard Madeley would have done.
He'd have been dressed as Jimmy Savile saying, "I've written a list on my knob.
" Let's see if the crisis at the BBC is one of the most talked about things last week.
Of course, the most talked-about thing.
Yes, the BBC is in crisis.
I think the BBC will be all right.
They still have Brucie, although it has been cold.
Last Friday, all the top BBC stars did their bit for Children In Need.
Freddie Starr stayed at home, and Jimmy Savile remained dead.
APPLAUSE Sean's team, what else have the nation been talking about? Is it the fact that Abu Qatada, like Peter Andre, won't be going back to Jordan? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Which is the real tragedy - that's the real tragedy, when will she find love? On another matter, yes, we can't get rid of Abu Qatada.
It's terrible.
You can't push him on a plane, you can't drag him onto a boat.
Do what you do with parents and send them on a coach holiday.
They think they're going out for the day, and you can send them away forever.
Hello, Abu Qatada, you're on Channel 4's Coach Trip.
Can you imagine, "Oh, well, this fella turned up, suspected terrorist, can't believe it! "Put him at the back, he'll be all right with a can of fizzy pop.
" Is it true it's going to cost £5 million for a year.
That's a whole year.
- That's a whole year.
- Oh! So not unreasonable.
That's all right, then.
Yes, £100,000 a week, cos apparently he's watched by 60 police officers, and there's cameras and microphones all over his house.
60? - 60? - 60 police officers.
Don't they get in the way of each other? I think they're on What's he doing, running around like a lunatic? Does he run around loads so it costs more money.
"Ha, can't see me now!" They're going, "Where the fuck is he?" He's being filmed all the time in his house.
Technically, we own that footage, cos we're paying for it.
He's going to fall over, stub his toe.
He should have a one-weekly highlight package.
Abu's Been Framed, that's what I'm pitching it as.
And he's going to be pretty sexually frustrated.
If you've got cameras all over your house.
Week one, I can see him get annoyed.
Week two, his showers are getting a bit longer.
By week three, he's looking down the lens going, "It's happening now.
" You watch if you want, but this is going to finish very angrily.
A little glimpse into Jon's world.
I think that Abu Qatada gets a lot of unfair press here in the country.
He's always described as the nightmare neighbour.
How can he be a nightmare neighbour? He's not allowed to leave the house.
He's not allowed to have visitors.
The police is always on the doorstep.
He's a brilliant neighbour.
Also, if you have a parcel coming, you can say, "Leave it at Abu's.
" APPLAUSE Guaranteed to always be in.
Probably people won't do that for him, though.
"Yeah, I'll have one of Abu's parcels.
" OK, let's see if Abu Qatada getting released is one of the most talked-about things.
APPLAUSE Yes, radical Muslim cleric Abu Qatada has been released from prison.
The Abu Qatada row has blown up over nothing.
As have a lot of Abu Qatada's friends.
GROANS AND LAUGHTER Jon's team? What else? There's a new leader of China and, therefore, the world called Xi Jinping, who is being touted as this very informal leader.
I don't know how you'd be an informal leader of a country that kills three times more people than anyone else in the world.
You want to do it with a smile on your face.
"Anyway, guys, get back to work or I'll kill you all.
"I'm an informal guy.
I haven't got a tie on, but I'll shoot you.
" Security during the week-long congress includes they banned kites.
And they stopped taxi passengers from rolling down their windows.
Did they ban the foul-mouthed fan sellers of Shanghai.
There's thousands of fan sellers and they sell these decorated fans, beautiful fans.
When you actually ask to buy a fan or look at them, the fan sellers are notoriously rude and they go, "What the fuck you looking at? "If you want to buy a fucking fan, otherwise fuck off.
" LAUGHTER Who could argue with that? This is from the Congress last week, one of the Chinese delegates was photographed yawning during the President's speech.
Take a look.
We would like to send condolences to his family.
You don't know, if he is from West China, it was probably 14 days on the back of a rickshaw to get there, and the moment they found out, they go, "What? Who's paying for that? Couldn't he walk?" APPLAUSE I can tell you it's not in our top five, but China underwent a once-in-a-decade transfer of political power.
China's changed.
It no longer has an autocratic, ruthless, militaristic leader called Hu Jintao - it's now governed by an autocratic, ruthless, militaristic leader called Xi Jinping.
What else have the nation been talking about? From a sporting perspective, it's got to be the fantastic Swedish goal scored by Zlatan Ibrahimovic.
An overhead kick, phenomenal.
I thought it was OK.
Let's look at this incredible goal.
APPLAUSE What's phenomenal, he took his top off and he got booked.
He should have been allowed to take all his clothes off and have sex on the penalty spot, and we should have had to wait until he finished.
Why do you need to take your top off? I agree with the ref.
He has no choice, it's FIFA regulations.
It's rule 17.
Exactly.
LAUGHTER Rules are important, aren't they, Henning? Let me tell you the best goal ever - will never be scored in a friendly game.
- I agree.
Show it on the big stage when it matters.
What's the favourite German goal? Any one we scored in a World Cup final.
Their favourite goal is getting hold of Poland.
What's the thing you are proudest ever? I imagine that will be the moment he's most proud of.
- For me, genuinely? You really want to know?- Yeah.
One time I told a builder to fuck off.
One time you A builderI opened the door I was in the early stages of pissing myself and I went, "Fuck off.
" I didn't even discuss it with him.
He came around and went, "It's going to be" I went, "Fuck off.
" "I was in the early stages of pissing myself" That's the funniest phrase I ever heard.
Why did you open the door, then? I honestly thought he might have a good quote and I wouldn't mind pissing myself.
I actually squeezed the end of my penis and run to the toilet.
APPLAUSE Well, I can tell you it's not up there.
The Swedish striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic has scored the greatest goal ever against England.
This is the most amazing football feat since John Terry managed to persuade a jury that he's not a racist.
Three more things to get.
What do you think? I'm A Celebrity thing.
It was an incredible thing this week.
One of the tasks was one of the girls had to eat an ostrich anus.
That must have tasted like shit.
The next task, she had to go into an enclosed space with a live ostrich and not exhale.
If a live ostrich smells its partner's anus on your breath, you are going to get pecked to death! People I thinkI can't bear on it now is Ant and Dec, because they're like, they just laugh.
They're like Gaddafi's sons.
People are being tortured.
"Ha-ha! You're being tortured "and you have to eat this! Ha-ha! More torture.
" A woman in a coffin having insects call crawling over her face, and they're going, "Ha-ha!" You can't tire of watching people going, "Argh!" It doesn't get boring.
It's stuff in between.
"I miss my family.
" I don't - they throw things.
You would be incredible on the show.
Did they offer it to you? Every year.
Every year, I happen to be in a supermarket where I can buy stuff.
I don't have to beg for it.
You are doing your shopping, they go, "Like to do I'm A Celebrity?" Or any of them.
You go, "Yeah, but I am here and I have nine Twixes "and I don't have to do a task.
" Would you go on, Lorraine? Absolutely no way.
I like my personal space.
I don't want these people around me all the time, getting on my nerves, having to eat anuses and willies.
It's not my thing.
That's a shame.
APPLAUSE Let's see if I'm A Celebrity is up there.
Yes.
I'm A Celebrity continues.
I am not saying the celebrities this year are unknown, but they were asked to turn up with a utility bill and two other forms of ID.
Previous winners include Joe Pasquale, Phil Tufnell, Tony Blackburn and Christopher Biggins - if you want to see those winners together, head to the Marlowe Theatre in Canterbury for Puss In Boots.
Two more to get.
Is it the story about Frankie Dettori? A story about Frankie Dettori.
Fun-time Frankie.
And rumours he will be soon charged for cocaine in the French some French race meeting.
Yes, he has been accused of taking cocaine.
He has not admitted taking cocaine, as yet.
I am not a big horse-racing fan - it's just an excuse to give short people jobs.
Why don't jockeys ever do panto? It's weird.
Do you think they had an agreement with the dwarfs? They met up in a car park late at night with weapons and clubs and knives and spanners and went, "OK, "you don't ride horses, "we won't do panto.
" That's an agreement.
What annoys me about people who get caught doing drugs, loads of people do drugs.
When celebrities and athletes get caught, they describe it as a moment of madness.
Was it madness when you decided you wanted cocaine, you bought cocaine and did the cocaine? I will show you a moment of madness.
You want to see a moment of madness? Bleurgh! Aaargh! That's a moment of madness.
You call that a moment of madness? Go on, then.
I don't want to be in the papers for killing you.
Moment of madness? Me killing you and trying to eat your hair.
Lorraine, what do you think of Frankie Dettori? Do you think it's acceptable for sportsmen to take recreational drugs? Of course not.
I know he does it to stay slim.
It's not performance-enhancing, is it? It is, because the horse will go faster if you're lighter I love the way you explained that, because now I know why I was never a jockey.
That was the RSPCA stopped that.
LAUGHTER If he wants to lose weight by taking cocaine, he can't have taken the same cocaine that Maradona took.
APPLAUSE He got fatter and fatter.
He is the only man I have ever seen with a cocaine belly.
His problem was he wasn't taking pure cocaine - he was cutting it with Utterly Butterly.
If he had cut it with Flora, which is 95% less saturated fat .
.
he wouldn't have had that problem.
OK, let's see if Frankie Dettori is one of the most talked about things.
APPLAUSE Yes, Frankie Dettori has failed a drugs test.
They first suspected he may have taken cocaine when he won the 3.
20 at Epsom without a horse.
OK, one more thing to get.
Fingers on buzzers.
OK, what do you think? Well, I imagine it's the news that's rocking teenager boys everywhere, and it's the release of the new Call Of Duty computer game.
GUNFIRE NOISES "There's a girl at the door.
" Argh! You say teenage boys, but last year, the games market in the UK was worth £1.
9 billion.
Queued up over there.
Four days camping out.
Would you ever camp out four days for a game? What would you camp out days for? Brain Trainer.
New edition! I'd camp out for four days, if I was going camping.
I read a sentence - the great thing about this game is you can live-stream multiplayer games in real-time to YouTube.
It took me longer to understand that sentence than for them to complete the whole game.
That implies you could watch other people playing a computer game online.
People are going to log on and go, "What are you doing?" "I'm watching a Peruvian kid play a Russian kid "at a shooting game.
" "I'm leaving you.
" The funny thing, it's also got Nazi zombies in this, apparently.
I am not sure where they come in or how they come in.
I mean, if something's risen from the grave and is about to eat my brain, I don't really care about their ideology.
APPLAUSE I was playing a Japanese gentleman at FIFA, and he didn't speak any English throughout the whole contest, it was me and him.
He beat me 9-0.
At the end, I said, "Thank you very much, I got a well-deserved spanking," and he just said, "Hey, Mr English, fuck you!" Let's look and see if it's up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, the new computer game has been released.
Call Of Duty Black Ops 2 is the most exciting, futuristic, slick, engrossing, brutal, Hollywood produced reason you are still a virgin at 30, ever.
So those were the most talked-about things this week, but in other news, the CIA has been rocked by revelations its chief, General Petraeus, had an affair.
He was betrayed by private emails.
Private emails is now facing court martial.
This is the most disappointing thing to happen in the American espionage community since Brody's wife stopped getting her norks out in Homeland.
The Church of England have announced the Bishop of Durham is to become the new Archbishop of Canterbury.
He's made up, as is his religion.
At the end of that, Sean's team have two points, Jon's team have three points.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Sean, Henning, Vernon, your turn first.
What do you fancy? Come on, the bloke in the top left-hand corner.
The old man covering his ears.
Here's your related question.
What do you think, Henning? Do you think people judge you? You have a bit of an accent.
I've got a bit of an accent.
Definitely there is a certain degree of judgment.
I recently did a gig in Bolton.
I got heckled with the wonderful line, "Fuck off back to London.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ten years of listening to Chaz and Dave finally paid off! Sean, what do you think, do British people judge others on their accent? Well, I judge people long before they've opened their mouths.
Saves a lot of time, doesn't it? Straight in there.
It's interesting because there's a, what's the word, a contingency in your voice and it moves around and you can change certain things.
But the only way you really know how someone speaks is when they sneeze.
That's their true voice.
You can't put on a sneeze.
I was walking down the street in East London, there was an old Cockney walking in front of me, like this Then he was building up to a sneeze and he actually went "Ehhhhhh, ehhhhhhhh, "ehhhh-ehhhhh," and then he went "Ehhhhhhh-choo!" LAUGHTER I thought, that's a Cockney sneeze.
You couldn't put that on.
No, you couldn't.
That's a natural noise.
My wife does a terrible thing.
She doesn't give you any warning.
No, she just goes, "Choo".
LAUGHTER There's no, "Ahhhh, ahhhh"? Nothing.
No warning.
She's sitting there "Choo!" Oh, shit.
It's like I've been shot.
LAUGHTER Johnny, do you think anyone ever judges you by your accent? Yeah, course they do.
It's not your accent, Johnny, it's the bollocks you talk.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I know that I'm judged by my accent because there's certain letters and certain vowels that I miss out.
There's whole words you miss.
LAUGHTER Yeah, like, "Sorry, Jimmy," when I run over you later.
LAUGHTER Jon, 81% of people admit changing their voice depending on who they're talking to.
Do you do that? No, James.
I acquire accents quite quickly.
If I do gigs and go to a town, I instantly start thinking in the voice of where I am.
Does that not sound like you're taking the piss? Exactly.
If I've been doing gigs in Newcastle and you go to a club after you go, "Cheers mate!" And you say "Oh, fuck, I'll get the shit kicked out of me.
" I'm no good at accents, I can do them if I've got key phrases.
If I'm trying to do Scouse, I have to say, (SCOUSE ACCENT) "I want some chicken and a can of coke.
" LAUGHTER That's not bad, that.
Before I can start.
I can do Belfast only if I say, "Ginger and community.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What do you think? Let's get some answers.
True or false? What do you think, Sean? True.
What do you say, Jon? True.
- True.
- The answer is false.
Only 25% of Brits say they judge people by their accents.
Rubbish.
APPLAUSE Over generations our accents become hard wired into our brains.
For example, Chinese people find it difficult to pronounce Rs, Germans struggle with Ws and girls from Essex find it almost impossible to say no.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, Jon, what do you like the look of? Shall we have the garcon? The waiter? OK, the waiter, we asked our audience It's got to be home cooking.
Otherwise I'm out of a job.
How many of the recipes that you've cooked on telly do you think people have done at home? LAUGHTER What are you saying? I watch your shows, but I don't bake muffins.
That's all I'm saying.
I've done one of Hello! No, look LAUGHTER Lots of people He cooks my recipes.
Ah! What's happening?! Yeah, yeah.
I've made her recipes and they're lovely.
The thing is, I don't think it's about fancy restaurants anymore.
People don't like fancy restaurants.
They want some nice home cooking or just a steakhouse or something.
OK.
Jon, how do you cook at home, prepare a meal? You spend your afternoon with a bottle of wine doing your prep.
Get it all in your bowls and your jars.
Do you really? You spend the whole day cooking it? Absolutely, and don't have people round either, they'll ruin it.
LAUGHTER I make the best pesto going.
I should have it in jars in restaurants.
He told me about the pesto he cooked and he's very proud of his pesto.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach him out to make pesto and he'll end up with a massive company.
LAUGHTER Some people call a fancy restaurant different, for some people who eat at KFC, going to Nando's is like "Oooohhhh!" Nando's is basically KFC for people who use a knife and fork, isn't it? Woah! Woah! Woah! Woah! We asked the audience what do you prefer? What are you going for, Jon? Home cooking.
Home cooking.
And, Sean, you're going for restaurants? Yeah, restaurants.
OK, I can tell you, 64% of our studio audience preferred home cooking.
APPLAUSE I still like my roast chicken exactly the way my mum served it - in a furious silence after a huge argument with my dad.
At the end of that round, it's three points to Sean's team and four points for Jon's team.
That's it for part two, see you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your question: The worst thing about guests staying overnight is with me, in the morning they expect this big fry up.
They want bacon, eggs, the whole works because they think I'm going to cook all the time.
For me, I'm like Shreddies, milk then sling it.
That's all you're going to get.
When you wake up at breakfast and they're in the kitchen already and you think, who let you out? I bolted that.
(LAUGHS) Sean, do you ever have people over to stay? I love it.
Guests.
My house is just an open house.
I constantly have at least four pianists staying my house just to keep (SINGS RAGTIME-STYLE PIANO MUSIC) It's like New Orleans.
I am just cooking I like having people around.
The trouble is, it's persuading them to stay.
You are always exhausted after, aren't you? Whenever I've got guests, there's a certain degree of exhaustion because you feel a degree of responsibility.
Also, you're not sure in your own house.
You've lost track of what is considered tidy and what is not tidy.
You think, "Well, there might be a broken window "but as long as the pigeons don't fly inthen it's all right.
" Jon, do you ever have people stay over? Sometimes, yeah.
Well, the worst thing is knowing that you're looking after them better than they look after you.
You have to give them clean bedding, I put a bed out and I cook them breakfast and you go around their house and they open up some cupboard and pull out this sticky, horrible sleeping bag that they've had for 15 years and every rank mate they've ever had's come round.
We'll just seal them up in this at night, so their sweat and their feet, really musty.
And then they just pull it out for you and you go, "Why don't we just share bathwater? Why not flush the toilet either?" When they come around mine, I do a little duvet and put the bed out and a clean pillow and then sometimes you think, "Oh, sod off.
" Don't bother coming round and then they leave and I think, "Actually, I wish they'd stayed.
" I mean, I imagine, Johnny, you're pretty much a perfect houseguest.
No, no, no.
My worst thing I can say, he really is.
My worst thing about people staying over is pointing out that your house is not a house, it's an abandoned school and you're a squatter.
Johnny's family were on Family Fortunes and they won a Jacuzzi.
So I would imagine that if you're a guest at Johnny's house, you could nip next door My brother won the Jacuzzi but he's still living with my mum and dad.
Really? So, it wasn't a big bonus.
Has he plumbed it in yet? No, he sold it.
He sold it.
LAUGHTER He sold it and he bought loads of cider.
The thing is, the dimensions of the Jacuzzi were exactly the same as Johnny's brother's backyard.
It wasn't his backyard! It was his parents'! And you gave him a Jacuzzi.
What more tells a man that he's going nowhere? So we had to sell it and when we sold it and he got the money, he got really drunk.
He had two fights in the park .
.
and he bought me a fucking kite, which meant I couldn't vote in the Chinese elections.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE He genuinely did.
He bought me a kite.
I've never had a headache on exactly half of my head before.
(LAUGHS) OK.
The worst thing about guests staying overnight.
The other thing is when you stay at someone's house and they don't tell you straight away what the weird things about their house are.
Just say, "You can't flush the toilet unless you stand "on that floorboard and sing Oklahoma!" Otherwise you're in there at 3am, still trying.
You know they can hear you.
They heard you the first time when it didn't quite flush.
They didn't come out.
They left you in there all night, pulling the thing.
I had to wait a little longer but now it's empty again.
I'm standing here for 20 more frigging minutes, trying to flush this piss away when I had a debate whether it was ruder to leave the piss in but not wake them up with a flush and now I've pulled the flush You asked the fucking question! You are quite fastidious.
I imagine you don't like people using your stuff.
I don't mind it when I give them stuff.
Don't help yourself to stuff.
I mean, make yourself at home, that's a cliche.
You say it but you don't mean it.
They make yourself at home and someone starts making themselves a cup of tea.
You think, "What are you doing? "Get out of my cupboards.
That's not where the tea's kept.
"I'll make you a cup of tea.
" When I said "Make yourself at home" I meant, "Sit down and shut up.
" LAUGHTER (LAUGHS) APPLAUSE Is it the mess? That's basically it.
Clearing up after them.
I'll give you that.
APPLAUSE Yes, the worst thing about having guests staying over is cleaning up after them.
Everyone's welcome at my house as long as they take their shoes off at the front door and then put them straight back on and fuck off.
BUZZER That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show.
The final scores are Sean, Henning and Vernon have four points.
Jon, Lorraine and Johnny have four points.
It's a dead heat.
Everyone's a winner! CHEERING Thanks to our panellists, our studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, good night.
Red Bee Media Ltd