8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s14e10 Episode Script
Christmas Special
1 APPLAUSE Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas Special, our Tinsel Toes, it's Bruno Tonioli.
No room at the inn, it's Joe Wilkinson.
And their team captain, Jon Richardson.
And facing them tonight, it is Christmas Steve, Stephen Mangan.
Christmas cracker, it's Sarah Millican.
And their team captain, Sean Lock! And our very own Santa Claus, Nick Helm! Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas Special, a show about opinion polls, surveys, statistics and Christmas.
Did you know, for example, 10% of pet owners buy their pet an outfit for Christmas? I bought my puppies an outfit for Christmas, it was a duffel bag to go swimming in.
LAUGHTER Ha-ha! Nice pair.
When it's clenched, you can crack a walnut in there.
I could crack a walnut? Relax.
Drink it in, Bruno, that's what a real man looks like.
Oh, God, no! Can I just say? While he was drinking it in, I think a bit went on me.
We're forming a boy band together.
We are.
It is called One Erection.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE It's going to be huge! Is it weird being heckled from behind? I'm actually used to it, Sean.
7% of people who give presents say, "It's the thought that counts.
" Generally, the thought is, "That'll do.
" And 14% of Brits drink more than they intend to over Christmas, which isn't easy because they intend to get absolutely bloody shit-faced.
Well, let's get started.
APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our pollist's job to get the British public's top five favourite Christmas traditions.
Sean, your team, what do you think the nation love about Christmas? People like Christmas presents, don't they? You cannot have Christmas without Christmas presents.
You don't have to have the turkey, the tree, but without presents, it's just a gathering.
It's just Sunday, isn't it? It's just Sunday or a bank holiday Monday when you have to see your family.
Yeah.
If you're watching, I love you.
So, Christmas presents.
What are you hoping for this year? What I would really like is one of those Justin Bieber dolls.
I would like I hope it's really well made, cos it's got some serious shit coming its way.
LAUGHTER - What is wrong with Justin? What is wrong with Justin Bieber? Yeah.
It's only an hour long show.
Oh, you are so bitter.
You're jealous because he is young and he is pretty.
Yeah, you old hag! You old hag! Are you hoping for anything this Christmas? Just some celebrity-endorsed perfumes.
Oh, yes! That's fantastic.
I'm planning a range.
Oh, well, I've just released a fragrance.
LAUGHTER As an adult, a present means you turn up at a mate's house unexpected and you hear him running to the kitchen to wrap up a jar of mincemeat or something.
Did you say your friend had wrapped it? Boys aren't normally very good at wrapping.
Oh, yeah, but any old kitchen towel out of the bin.
My boyfriend used to be rubbish at wrapping.
He used to just get my present and put it in his man bag.
And I had to close my eyes and feel around amongst the socks and the Peperamis.
Bruno, what is the best gift you ever got? I actually had to buy up for myself.
I never get any gifts.
It's terrible, isn't it? Come on, you must have.
No, I never did.
Is that cos you are really, sort of sexually aggressive? Yes.
Because I am very difficult.
Joe, have you got anything on your Christmas list this year? What are you hoping for? Trouser press.
I like Christmas, I just don't like the shopping bit.
So, I do a thing where I go to one shop and I get everyone's present.
This is year I chose Screwfix.
LAUGHTER 15 minutes and, like, job done.
Effective.
Have you bought any of your gifts? I always shop really late.
In fact, I shop so late, I don't buy anything.
For me, it's all about customer service.
Have a look at this.
Selling is service.
And service is selling Service is selling And selling is service I'm selling to the customers to make them feel all right I am buying all these products with oh so much delight I can help you find anything you could possibly want Such ostentatious goodies that I can flaunt Selling is a service And service is selling Service is selling And selling is service.
APPLAUSE I have to say, I am pretty sick of people using sex to sell stuff.
(LAUGHS) Just give it a rest.
Did you notice? There are no customers in that shop.
There are two serial killers and all the customers are in the back like this.
This year will be an interesting year for department store Santas cos with all the scandals we've had, I imagine they'll have to take a very hands-off approach with the kids.
They'll probably actually be in a cage.
And the kids are about 30 feet away.
And they'll shout through a loud-hailer, "I want some Lego!" And then Santa'll go, "Ho, ho, ho!" And then he will hand it to a policeman to take.
The big present this year for kids This is the number one gift this year.
What, Heather Trott from EastEnders? LAUGHTER Let's have a look and see if Christmas presents are up there.
Yes! Christmas presents, of course.
Last year I bought my girlfriend a Hoover.
She didn't want it, so it has just gathering dust.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE What are the Christmas traditions you think people love? What do you love about Christmas? I love everything, so it doesn't matter to me.
The smell of it, the taste of it.
There's all these parties.
About two weeks before Christmas, there are about 25,000 parties.
People are always pissed, 24 hours a day.
We don't do that in Italy, we don't see that.
You don't have Christmas parties in? We don't get so hammered.
There is a speciality here.
You know, they are out and (MIMICS DRUNK) What do you do then? If you don't get arseholed, what do you do? He's not saying he doesn't get arseholed, he's saying That's another story.
APPLAUSE My favourite booze at Christmas, you know the cheap supermarket's equivalent? What is this? A glass of O'Flaherty's Gaelic Cream? LAUGHTER That sounds delicious.
That's nice at Christmas.
Iceland stuff is incredible, isn't it? Iceland food You want to say to Iceland, "If your food even looks shit "on the advert, people aren't going to buy it.
"You can have 300 shrimp and egg pizzas for £2.
" I imagine you probably can, yes.
They are absolutely vile.
They all look like stuff, something already puked up.
At the Christmas party, Bruno, presumably, you bust a few moves.
You do a lot of dancing? I do, but I just make a fool of myself because I can't really drink, I'm not a good drinker.
And the last time it was actually a Strictly party and after two glasses of wine, I'm gone.
And I kind of disrobed myself in front of Bruce Forsyth.
Which didn't go down very well.
I was kind of humping Claudia Winkleman.
So, after that time, I was banned from every Christmas party at the BBC.
So, I just put in my car and disappear.
Christmas party at the BBC is not easy.
Well, I did.
Mistletoe doesn't work, does it? It is meant to work, you know.
Yeah, it don't work, it's bollocks.
It doesn't matter how many times you shout, "You have to kiss me!" What's mistletoe got that, you know, it's just a plant that is still alive at Christmas.
Louis Walsh is alive at Christmas, I wouldn't kiss somebody under him.
I think the problem, why it's not working for you, Joe, is the way you're holding it.
Near yourself.
I guarantee every office in the country has someone who goes That's easy if you snog the boss, especially if you play for Man United.
I don't have a job, really, but I still have an office party, I just get pissed in my flat.
I kind of just talk about myself.
And I did actually buy a photocopier so I could photocopy my arse.
And then I had to give myself an official warning.
I imagine you were very strict.
Yeah.
A right good talking to.
I made myself come in Saturday morning.
I don't have a proper job either, so I have a similar I suppose tonight in a way is my Christmas party.
This is I will probably snog one of you.
Well, you've got a lovely shaggy hairdo.
Something to hold onto.
What am I talking about? Let's see if Christmas parties is one of the Christmas traditions we like best.
Yes, Christmas parties! Of course, a lot of people don't get to go to a Christmas party.
Are you alone at Christmas, no relatives, no colleagues, get to choose what you want to watch on TV? You lucky fuck.
What else do you think people like about Christmas? Carol singers.
- Carol singers? - Yes.
Do you like carol singing? No.
Does anyone like carol singing? When they come around to my house and you open the door, I always think to myself, "What do they want? "Is it sweets, money, booze, sex?" If I knew what it was they wanted But they just keep singing.
Money, isn't it? It's basically money, yeah.
Cos I just buy loads of sweets and I don't answer the door, same as Halloween.
And every other night, to be fair.
I don't like them when they come to the door.
I feel that is a bit weird and you're not sure what to do with them.
But if this guy came to my door, I would just be writing him a check.
(WHISTLES RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER) APPLAUSE He was whistling it, the other ones were doing Cos everyone knows the first line of a hymn and they just hum the rest.
Away in a manger (HUMS) .
.
Jesus! Do you have carols in Italy? We have different songs, not British ones.
In fact, sometimes you have to go to things and you have to, you know, they want you to sing, so I have to I just do the mouth and the eyes.
Because we don't What are you doing there? You have to pretend you know them.
You have Christmas songs, songs about? We have Christmas songs.
What's the matter, you? No, no.
Some people nail it.
Some people nail hymns and they make them beautiful.
This is Manchester City defender Aleksandar Kolarov.
This was posted on their website, he's belting out a classic here.
(READS MONOTONOUSLY) Oh jingle bells, jingle bells.
Jingle all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to ride in one-horse open sleigh.
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to ride in one-horse open sleigh.
A day or two ago I thought I'd take a ride and soon Miss Fanny Bright.
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.
Merry Christmas from everybody at Manchester City.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I don't know what that clip is called, but it should be called Contractual Obligation.
I have been kicked out of quite a few carol choirs.
Because I always bring sort of like a gangster rap element.
I sort of disrespect the other carol singers, call them bitches.
I sell drugs, as well.
I even occasionally do drive-by carol singing.
I just drive really slowly past someone's house singing Away In A Manger.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I can tell you, carol singing is not in our top five.
Oh.
I'll tell you who loves carol singers - nobody.
Well, that's it for part one.
Join us after the break to see what else is in our Christmas top five.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
We're trying to guess the nation's favourite Christmas traditions.
Jon's team, what other Christmas traditions do we enjoy? Is it Christmas TV? There's the Strictly Christmas special.
Well, that's brilliant, yeah.
Your show is pretty huge at Christmas, isn't it? Massive.
(SEAN) I don't see how that show could possibly get any more tinselly and sparkly.
How does it get up to sort of Christmas level? It's almost as though there's a danger of tinsel poisoning.
Cos there's so much glitter and tinsel everywhere.
There is even more at Christmas! More fake tan, glitter everywhere, snow.
You have to watch it tomorrow.
It's brilliant.
My biggest fear is that my telly breaks on Christmas Day.
There's nothing else to do, is there? The pub's closed.
The zoo's closed.
LAUGHTER Your mates aren't allowed to come out to play.
I don't know what I'd do.
I'd probably just hide in the woods.
Do you watch TV at Christmas? I do, yeah, cos I don't have a table.
So we just sit on the sofa with trays.
I think that's nicer, though, isn't it? I don't understand people who don't have tellies, because I don't know Where's it all aiming towards? Your seats are all pointing towards something.
What is it pointing towards? Books? (JON) Posh people, they don't watch anything but the Queen's Speech, do they? That's the test.
If you watch the Queen's Speech No-one else watches it cos she's just lying.
If she was honest about her year, it would be funny.
Like if this year she said, (AS THE QUEEN) I've seen a lot of my family this year.
Harry's cock, Kate's tits.
But she doesn't.
She'll bluff over it.
"It's been a lovely year.
I've got a lovely house.
" I'd quite like to see the outtakes, cos she's not going to have nailed it first time.
"This year's Oh, fuck it! "Go again! "I'll get it this time, I promise.
"Fucking autocue!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Let's have a see if Christmas TV and films were up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, Christmas television.
You know, Bruno, I love a bit of ballroom on Christmas Day.
And that's why I wear trackie bottoms.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Two more things to get.
BUZZER Christmas dinner, maybe? Christmas dinner is I mean, it's pretty unbelievably good.
Well, it's just huge, so it's always good for me.
We're entertaining for the first time this year.
My boyfriend's cooking, though.
I'm just in charge of chopping.
Apparently, 60% of Christmas dinners are prepared by the man.
Rest of the year, not fussed.
Christmas, I want to take control.
But don't they just do the carving? (JOE) Why is carving meant to be an honour? You're just hacking at meat.
If you're doing it properly, it's not hacking at meat! I do it in the garden in my pants.
And you get to eat the whole thing yourself.
No-one's going to touch it.
Watch what?! Have you cooked it first? I really can't remember at that point.
Men always want to set fire to the Christmas pudding as well.
That's a manly thing, isn't it? You can just see your dad, if it's not working well and not taking light, he just goes off and comes back with a jerry can.
"This'll work!" Fire and raisins Phwoar! My idea of Christmas, I think, as you get older, you want to have it every two years.
It comes around too often.
I think every two years would be good.
Firstly, it would mean finally Slade would have to dip into their pension pot.
Just imagine the size of the turkeys! They'd be huge, wouldn't they? You know, you'd have to get them in the oven like urgh! It would be like trying to get Chris Moyles in a Smart car.
(SARAH) People pretend they like turkey on Christmas Day, and ignore it the rest of the year round.
It's the same with your nana.
(LAUGHS) Be honest, though.
It sort of is.
She's just boring and dry.
(SEAN) The dripping.
That's what we have fights over in my house.
The turkey dripping.
We'd pour off all the fat and then you'd put it in the fridge, and you'd get a big layer of fat and you get the jelly, and that's the essence ofthe soul of the turkey.
It is! It's delicious! A lot of people put it in the gravy.
And then on Boxing Day, scrape a big piece of fat, put it on some toast, and then get the jelly on.
We have fights in my house over it.
What, who can get the ambulance first? LAUGHTER Luckily, we all get defibrillators for Christmas.
It's delicious.
Aldi this year are doing a four bird roast for £9.
99, and it's got pork stuffing in it.
That's five dead animals for a tenner.
If you can kill and raise five things for a tenner, that's not right, is it? So I'm trying to avoid all that.
Do you think they all live together, inside each other? Like, when the goose opened its mouth, there was a chicken in there and a duck.
"Christ sakes! Daylight!" They cut their balls off as well.
Animals, they cut their balls off so they taste better.
Cos apparently, you can taste randyness.
Which means I am safe from cannibalism.
I imagine I taste very gamey.
I've castrated goats.
You've done what, now?! I've castrated goats.
When did you castrate a goat?! I castrated goats when I was 18, 19.
I castrated dozens of goats.
It's actually very simple.
What you do is you get rubber bands.
(SARAH) Oh, yeah, I know this.
And you get four or five-day-old goats, and you just tie it many times around its testicles, and they wither and go black and just fall off.
Yeah, the weird thing was, he was working as an optician at the time.
Bruno, the Italian Christmas.
What do you eat? Well, it's very different, actually.
Usually you start with antipasti.
She sounds nice! Prosecco.
You have parma ham, let's say a little grilled peppers.
Parmesan cheese with lovely prosecco.
Then you have a starter, which usually is a soup.
Tortellini in Brodo, which is delicious.
Then you have the boiled meats, then you have the roasts, then you have the cakes.
So it's different.
We don't have turkey.
So are you surrounded at this by all the Dolmio family? (LAUGHS) Similar, yeah! Christmas, it's like all bets are off on Christmas Day.
You can go, "Right, Cornflakes.
"I'm going to have them with Bailey's.
Delicious.
" We were talking about this today.
Coco Pops with Bailey's, and make a Coco Pop Rice Krispie cake as a little cup, pour the Bailey's into it.
Willy Wonka land, innit? Eat the cup.
That would be fucking amazing, wouldn't it?! There's your advert as well.
"These are fucking amazing!" "Honestly, fuck me!" Let's have a look and see if Christmas dinner is one of our favourite things.
APPLAUSE Indeed.
Our favourite Christmas tradition is Christmas dinner.
Pigs in blankets are popular round my house at Christmas.
That's my girlfriend and her sister watching TV in a blanket.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Yeah, you can laugh.
I'm in trouble.
Fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to get.
BUZZER What do you think, Jon? Is it going to church? You know, religion and all that "real" meaning? As if anyone wants the real meaning of Christmas! I drink heavily to avoid the real meaning of anything.
We all know what I'm about.
But people, they go to church, don't they? Apparently, 3 million people attend church on Christmas Day.
You're either into it I look at the church like Claire's Accessories.
I'm probably never going to go in one, but for people that need it, absolutely fine.
Pop down there.
If I end up in Claire's Accessories, something's gone wrong.
I've had some sort of breakdown.
The idea of going to Midnight Mass is exciting, isn't it? You think, "I'm a little bit tipsy, it's cold, there's candles.
"There'll be beautiful music in a lovely church.
" And then you get there, and a bloke in a dress talks about his invisible friend for two hours.
Like, wake me up when they serve the wine.
(SARAH) I assumed that was why it was so popular.
Cos it's after pub chucking out time.
People are just like, "They'll have wine, let's go there!" I'm a bell ringer.
So, erm Bruno, that does not mean what you think it means.
No, I just had a thought.
Yeah, I am a bell ringer, so Christmas Day is like our FA Cup final.
But the lads are ready, and we're just going to go out and enjoy ourselves.
Sean, do you go to church on Christmas? No, I don't.
No, Jimmy.
For me, you're in or you're out.
It's a bit like, um, skiing.
You're either skiing or you're not.
Yeah, not my best analogy, that one.
Soup! It's a bit like eating soup.
You're either eating soup or you're going, "I don't fancy that.
" (SARAH) Sometimes people have soup every now and then.
I don't have soup every day but I sometimes fancy soup.
Yeah, you're right.
It's not a good one, is it? I'll try and think of a better one.
All right, it's a bit like, um Oh Racism? No.
It's like you either wear a bra or you don't.
Although I do that sometimes as well.
LAUGHTER Yeah, I used to be an altar boy.
You used to be an altar boy? Oh, yeah.
Christ, that explains a lot.
And I got promoted to the incensey thing, where you do that.
What is that?! What are you doing? The incense.
Oh, OK.
I wasn't sure what you were doing with your hand! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE (SARAH) Oh, he's good! Jimmy's good! (BRUNO) The church is well renowned! (SEAN) They never laid a finger on me! (STEPHEN) Or me.
I've never had any problems in that department.
It was me.
They found me a bit sexually aggressive.
Priests would go, "Just back off, all right?!" OK, let's see if going to church is up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, Midnight Mass is held at midnight on Christmas Eve, to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, who was born at pretend o'clock on the 32nd of Nevuary.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So those were the top five Christmas traditions.
But Christmas is about more than that.
Last year, the lights in Oxford Street were turned on by Take That.
As were hundreds of middle-aged women.
When it comes to decorating the tree, there's nothing better than going up to the loft, dusting off that box, bringing it down to the living room, opening it up, realising you've accidentally brought down your old porn mags, going back up to the loft, and half an hour later, coming down with the Christmas decorations.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And Jesus' mum, Mary, was a virgin.
God made her pregnant, and she was given refuge in an inn.
If it happened today, the Daily Mail would report the Nativity as: "Pregnant immigrant teen gets free handouts!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE At the end of that round, Sean, Bruno, and Joe have 3 points.
Sean, Sarah, and Stephen have 2 points.
APPLAUSE CHRISTMAS BELLS JINGLE Can youcan you hear that? Can you hear that, ladies and gentlemen? I think that might mean Santa Claus is coming.
CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Helm, our Santa Claus.
APPLAUSE - Hey, Santa.
- Hello.
Is it a busy time of year for you, Santa Claus? Is it a busy time of year for me, Jimmy?! Are you taking the piss? I'm just asking if (SHOUTS) Yes, Jimmy, it's fucking busy right now! Well, we were going to book you in the summer, but people weren't into it.
(MUTTERS) He's such a prick.
OK, how come you're here? Just tell us why you're here.
I'm here because I'm going to ask a series of questions, and if you get it right, you get a nice gift, and if you get it wrong, you get a pile of shit.
So we're going to do this.
Good! Christmassy (!) Oh, stop talking over my bit! So this first question is to you, Jon.
OK.
Jon, true or false, 70% of dog owners buy their pet a Christmas present? Oh, it's got to be 100, hasn't it? Why would you get a dog if you were an evil shit who wasn't going to buy it a Christmas present? I will say .
.
tralse? I really want a present! I think it's true.
You think it's true? Yeah.
You think it's true.
(YELLS) It is true! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It is true! This is for you.
The elves love you.
And you, Sarah, as well.
They love you as well, Sean.
They love you, Joe.
Er, you, not so much.
And you've been a naughty fucker this year, haven't you? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So they've written you a novel.
What's the title of the book, Jon? It's Pride, Prejudice, and Debauchery by Jane Austen and Sylvia Hadfield.
It's a personalised erotic novel for you.
"Sarah took the lead, "and directing Richardson to a convenient lonely direction, "perfect for their purpose, "they set to hiding themselves away beneath dark trees, "and kissed at last.
"Richardson unbuttoned his trousers with one hand.
"The other twined around Sarah's neck, "and quickly, he pulled out a very fair prick.
" LAUGHTER "He had a full stand.
"Richardson took Sarah's hand "and placed her fingers upon and around his urgent cock.
"She grasped it tightly.
" (AS SARAH) "Ooh, Richardson!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "Ah cannat believe it's going to finally happen, man!" That's a great gift, and I'm very grateful for it.
Good.
OK, this next question is for Joe.
Hello, Joe.
Hello.
You remind me of a young me.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Joe, name all of my reindeer.
(SARAH) Can we help him? No! Erm Jermaine, Tito .
.
Janet .
.
Victoria and, um, Nicky.
Don't know.
Sorry.
(SEAN) Sneezy! Sneezy, Bashful, Doc.
(SCREAMS) They're dwarves! They're Jacksons and dwarves! You can have a shit gift.
Thank you.
(BRUNO) A balaclava! Is it a balaclava? I say "shit gift" It's bloody LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's just like me, in negative.
Thank you, Santa.
Bruno, what's the biggest selling Christmas single of all time, White Christmas by Bing Crosby, or 'Do They Know It's Christmas?' by Band Aid? White Christmas by Bing Crosby.
Yeah, fine, fuck it.
Keep it short, keep it sweet! Oh, Len Goodman! Well, I see him nine months of the year! I don't want it.
Get your boyfriend to wear it! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, that's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Thanks once again, Santa.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas Special.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Jon, Bruno, Joe, what do you like the look of? LAUGHTER I like the look of him.
I think he's very attractive.
Oh, what is the point of me? That's quite interesting, your team.
Because, like, Joe and Bruno are, like, polar opposites.
And Jon's like a perfect marriage of the two.
Like the evolution of man.
LAUGHTER OK, so what do you like the look of? Let's have the people sitting around playing nicely.
All right.
Most people think the best game to play at Christmas is? Well, we play rugby.
LAUGHTER 50 Shades Of Grey.
There is a game.
It's true.
It's going to be a huge hit.
It's been released.
50 Shades Of Grey - the game.
The board game? Yes.
For Christmas? Yes.
With Nan? LAUGHTER It's to show them different ways of using tinsel.
It's been described as a romantic liberating party game that's designed to entertain, surprise and reveal how you see your friends.
Second prize in a birthday contest, shove the dice up your arse.
LAUGHTER It's different.
It's a bit different, yeah.
A good game to play is to sit in a room on Christmas Day and start drinking in the morning.
Drink all day and then later on in the evening you take it in turns to tell each other exactly what you think of them.
LAUGHTER That isn't a game, that is Christmas Day.
That is Christmas Day.
LAUGHTER The best games are mind games, aren't they? Really get inside someone's head.
Really ruin their day.
One at a time.
Just eat your lunch.
Even if it's not burnt.
Go, "Oh, it's a shame that's a bit burnt, isn't it? LAUGHTER The earliest they cry, that's when you win.
Mix everyone's drinks, but made one person's a little bit stronger every time.
LAUGHTER Are you all right? You've had what everyone else has had.
You're a bit LAUGHTER I'm genuinely going to write that down, I'm going to do that.
LAUGHTER I think that is a fantastic idea.
Is it how many things you can balance on your grandad before he wakes up? LAUGHTER Your grandmother.
Like wardrobe Grandma! LAUGHTER That's a good idea for a game that, Grandad Buckaroo.
Yeah.
He hasn't woken up.
And then afterwards you can play granddad operation.
I've got his spleen! Oh, he's woken up! LAUGHTER Sean, do you play games at yours? Yes, we play hide the Sikh.
LAUGHTER Invite a Sikh round.
(GROANING) LAUGHTER And then LAUGHTER You try and find him! What do you say when you find him? I can't believe it's not Buddha? LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK.
Most people think the best game to play at Christmas is what? Cross country running? LAUGHTER Winner gets a Baileys? Oooh? charades? Always charades or something.
The right answer.
APPLAUSE Well done.
I can tell you most people think the best game at Christmas is charades.
According to safety experts, three people die each year whilst playing charades.
That's nothing, literally thousands of people are killed by snakes and ladders.
LAUGHTER People love charades.
I was at the beach and there was even a man doing charades in the sea.
LAUGHTER I couldn't tell what it was but he looked like he was having fun! LAUGHTER OK.
Next question, Sean, what one do you like the look of? Big Ben.
OK.
Most people would rather spend New Year's Eve home alone than at a party.
True or false? I love New Year's Eve.
It's great.
You go around, get drunk and you go around and you kiss and hug people and go It's like being Berlusconi for a day.
Joe, what do you do for New Year's? Try and get into parties.
LAUGHTER What do you do though? Run at them.
LAUGHTER On New Year's Eve, Jon, are you a big New Year's Eve guy? A big party animal? I've had nights before where I've just gone out at midnight, let a Party Popper off in my garden, come back in again.
LAUGHTER Why is it such a big deal in Scotland? Because they've got nothing else to live for.
LAUGHTER That'll go down well north of the border.
Maybe they just bagsied it.
Maybe everyone got like a thing and Scotland went, we'll have New Year, that'll be ours.
We'll have Pancake Day.
Wheee! LAUGHTER Pan-cack Day? Yeah.
Every time I cook it's Pan-cack Day.
LAUGHTER Most people would rather spend New Year's Eve home alone than at a party.
Can I still have a buffet? LAUGHTER Yeah, go on.
OK.
At least if I'm on my own there's a guarantee of sex.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What do you mean? LAUGHTER I time it Ten! Woo-hoo! That's a hootenanny.
LAUGHTER Let's get some words on this.
What do you think, Jon? No-one wants to stay in, do they? False.
You're saying false.
What are you saying? False.
OK, I can tell you the answer is false.
APPLAUSE At the end of that it's three points for Sean's team, five for Jon's team.
APPLAUSE SLEIGH BELLS And I think that sound might mean that Santa's back.
Santa, everyone.
APPLAUSE Hello again, Santa.
Hello again, Santa.
I think we got off on slightly the wrong foot earlier.
What have you been up to since you were last here? Just been sat out there.
LAUGHTER You could have delivered some presents in that time.
Yeah! LAUGHTER Good answer.
I've got to rattle through it.
Yeah, fine, yeah.
Brilliant, OK, fine.
Sean, what do people prefer to receive? Home-made presents or bought ones? Bought ones.
Yep.
LAUGHTER Blimey It's a body! It's at least a head! Got one.
LAUGHTER Santa got you that.
You can't just fling it back in his face.
I've got one.
Wrong tog! LAUGHTER You haven't got one of those! Well it's a sleeping bag.
SANTA: It's not! Oh! SANTA: It's technically a sleeping bag but it's got legs.
I got it for you.
Oh, I see.
Come on.
HECKLER: Wear it! CROWD CHEER AND APPLAUD Do you like camping? Yeah, I like camping.
I don't like scaring other campers.
LAUGHTER SANTA: You're my favourite, Sean.
Thanks.
Has it got a little nozzle so we can fill it with helium and just carry him.
Like a little an angry balloon.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You look like an alcoholic who thinks he's a Teletubby.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It looks It looks a little bit like a safe sex campaign.
LAUGHTER It looks like my immersion heater has come to life.
Something really quite bad could happen to me, wearing this suit.
How is it looking from your end? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Are you enjoying the show? Did you just say that's a pretty hot candy, are you enjoying the show? Yeah.
It's a good look, here.
Mr Blobby's been on a diet, hasn't he? LAUGHTER Terrible.
Thank you.
Thank you, Sean.
There you go.
Cheers, thanks, Santa.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Santa, it's a lovely gift.
So, who's next? Dead right, brilliant.
Sarah.
True or false? In Estonia, it's traditional on Christmas Eve to have a sauna with your family.
True.
True, yeah, it is.
Which is all sorts of fucked up.
So LAUGHTER I think it sounds lovely having a bath outside with your family.
You get a present.
There you go, love.
(LAUGHS) It's a doll of me.
What's it called? It's called the Mega Millican.
LAUGHTER Can I get it out? Yeah, go on.
I want to see if it's anatomically correct.
Cos I have got a cock! LAUGHTER That is terrifying.
I'm quite pleased with it because I'm quite scared of you.
Good, all right, brilliant.
Stephen Who would people rather spend Christmas with, their own family or the Royal Family? Oh, their own family.
Yes.
That's for you.
Thank you.
He's got an attitude.
You just picking up on that now? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Santa Claus.
Give him a round of applause.
That's the end of part three, see you after the break.
Welcome back to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas special.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here is your first one.
Stop smoking.
Stop smoking.
I could tell you it is not, that is number three.
I am going to try and cut down on the old Mint Vienettas.
LAUGHTER I have got a patch now which releases minty creaminess to sort of help wean me off.
If you make a New Year's resolution and you do not complete it, I think you should either be Shot is a bit extreme.
Maybe fired into space or something? If you actually swear it, it is like getting married and making this resolution, and then there are serious consequences if you fail.
You lose a finger every time you do it.
This is a much better idea, I like this.
I don't think I need all my fingers.
When do you use your little finger? I don't think I need it.
I use it.
I use it because I love tea.
I keep a little bird on mine.
Give it a bigger home.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I am definitely going to take baths differently.
What, sorry? Take baths differently.
I am not going to do it the traditional way on my back, I will do it on my front.
JIMMY LAUGHS I call it the mermaid.
If you get enough momentum, you will sort of just come out.
It is going to be a crap year next year, anyway.
2013 is just too ugly a number, we should skip it.
It sounds horrible, having to say what year is it? Two-thousand-and-thirteen.
You could say 21-three.
That has got a better ring to it.
That is like 21-three, though, isn't it? 2012+1.
It is like a channel.
What are you, 20 minus 7? There are an infinite number of ways.
You can do sort of three, two, one, by doing 20-0-1-3.
Oh, nice.
That is not 20, I don't want to break your heart.
2-0-1-3.
Again but quicker.
APPLAUSE That is good, I like that.
So most common New Year's resolution, what do you think? Get in shape? I choose round.
Losing weight, losing weight, everybody wants to lose weight.
It is the right answer.
Did I win?! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Bruno is our first guest who has ever taken this game seriously.
LAUGHTER Yes, the most common New Year's resolution is losing weight.
Dieting is big in January while dieters are big again in February.
BUZZER Eat chocolate for breakfast.
Only do at Christmas? Oh, no.
I don't like advent calendars.
I like an advent calendar.
We got a really good one last year and I came home on the second or third of December from a few days away and my boyfriend looked really guilty.
I said, what have you done? He said, I have eaten a fortnight.
LAUGHTER A thing some people only do at Christmas is drink eggnog.
Eggnog? It's liquid egg! Why would you want to drink that? Only drink it if there is lots of alcohol in it, but even then it still tastes like gleet.
Are you not a fan of eggnog? I have got a little drinky treat for you.
It is not eggnog? Well, I have got better than eggnog.
I have got some eggnog, but I have bought some bacon-flavoured vodka.
GROANS So I am making bacon and eggnog.
Let's have that.
OK.
(STEPHEN) It is just egg and cream.
Why would you do it? I take it you don't want one then? I'll have one.
I have got some other drinks, don't worry about that.
I'll give you two of these over here.
Where is the vodka? I will give you the vodka in one second.
There is the vodka but taste that, genuinely.
I mean that looks like a pus-y discharge.
LAUGHTER The other drinks that I have got for you, cos Christmas drinks are fun, this is pizza-flavoured beer.
I'll have a go on that? Sure.
It is beer but it genuinely tastes of a pizza.
Get involved.
Awesome.
Do you want to give that a go? I will have a go, yeah, thank you, Jimmy.
I want some beans.
(BRUNO) You drink all that?! (LAUGHS) A lot of the stuff I drink smells of bacon because I don't do the washing up properly.
He drank both! It is vile, absolutely vile.
Bruno, Bruno, take that.
Genuinely, that tastes of pizza.
LAUGHTER Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Look! Look what you have done to me! Oh, no! It is Christmas, everybody! I am glad it had a happy ending! I've changed my mind, it is not a pus-y discharge.
I am going to smell so good on the tube home! OK, so top thing Brits only do at Christmas, something you do at Christmas dinner.
Crackers! Speak to your relatives.
Crackers, crackers, crackers, Crackers! Christmas crackers is the right answer.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OUT-OF-TIME-BUZZER That sound means it is the end of the show, which means the final scores are Sean, Sarah and Stephen have three points.
Jon, Bruno and Joe are the winners with seven points! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks to our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and all of you watching at home.
That is it from us, good night and a Merry Christmas! Red Bee Media Ltd
No room at the inn, it's Joe Wilkinson.
And their team captain, Jon Richardson.
And facing them tonight, it is Christmas Steve, Stephen Mangan.
Christmas cracker, it's Sarah Millican.
And their team captain, Sean Lock! And our very own Santa Claus, Nick Helm! Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas Special, a show about opinion polls, surveys, statistics and Christmas.
Did you know, for example, 10% of pet owners buy their pet an outfit for Christmas? I bought my puppies an outfit for Christmas, it was a duffel bag to go swimming in.
LAUGHTER Ha-ha! Nice pair.
When it's clenched, you can crack a walnut in there.
I could crack a walnut? Relax.
Drink it in, Bruno, that's what a real man looks like.
Oh, God, no! Can I just say? While he was drinking it in, I think a bit went on me.
We're forming a boy band together.
We are.
It is called One Erection.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE It's going to be huge! Is it weird being heckled from behind? I'm actually used to it, Sean.
7% of people who give presents say, "It's the thought that counts.
" Generally, the thought is, "That'll do.
" And 14% of Brits drink more than they intend to over Christmas, which isn't easy because they intend to get absolutely bloody shit-faced.
Well, let's get started.
APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our pollist's job to get the British public's top five favourite Christmas traditions.
Sean, your team, what do you think the nation love about Christmas? People like Christmas presents, don't they? You cannot have Christmas without Christmas presents.
You don't have to have the turkey, the tree, but without presents, it's just a gathering.
It's just Sunday, isn't it? It's just Sunday or a bank holiday Monday when you have to see your family.
Yeah.
If you're watching, I love you.
So, Christmas presents.
What are you hoping for this year? What I would really like is one of those Justin Bieber dolls.
I would like I hope it's really well made, cos it's got some serious shit coming its way.
LAUGHTER - What is wrong with Justin? What is wrong with Justin Bieber? Yeah.
It's only an hour long show.
Oh, you are so bitter.
You're jealous because he is young and he is pretty.
Yeah, you old hag! You old hag! Are you hoping for anything this Christmas? Just some celebrity-endorsed perfumes.
Oh, yes! That's fantastic.
I'm planning a range.
Oh, well, I've just released a fragrance.
LAUGHTER As an adult, a present means you turn up at a mate's house unexpected and you hear him running to the kitchen to wrap up a jar of mincemeat or something.
Did you say your friend had wrapped it? Boys aren't normally very good at wrapping.
Oh, yeah, but any old kitchen towel out of the bin.
My boyfriend used to be rubbish at wrapping.
He used to just get my present and put it in his man bag.
And I had to close my eyes and feel around amongst the socks and the Peperamis.
Bruno, what is the best gift you ever got? I actually had to buy up for myself.
I never get any gifts.
It's terrible, isn't it? Come on, you must have.
No, I never did.
Is that cos you are really, sort of sexually aggressive? Yes.
Because I am very difficult.
Joe, have you got anything on your Christmas list this year? What are you hoping for? Trouser press.
I like Christmas, I just don't like the shopping bit.
So, I do a thing where I go to one shop and I get everyone's present.
This is year I chose Screwfix.
LAUGHTER 15 minutes and, like, job done.
Effective.
Have you bought any of your gifts? I always shop really late.
In fact, I shop so late, I don't buy anything.
For me, it's all about customer service.
Have a look at this.
Selling is service.
And service is selling Service is selling And selling is service I'm selling to the customers to make them feel all right I am buying all these products with oh so much delight I can help you find anything you could possibly want Such ostentatious goodies that I can flaunt Selling is a service And service is selling Service is selling And selling is service.
APPLAUSE I have to say, I am pretty sick of people using sex to sell stuff.
(LAUGHS) Just give it a rest.
Did you notice? There are no customers in that shop.
There are two serial killers and all the customers are in the back like this.
This year will be an interesting year for department store Santas cos with all the scandals we've had, I imagine they'll have to take a very hands-off approach with the kids.
They'll probably actually be in a cage.
And the kids are about 30 feet away.
And they'll shout through a loud-hailer, "I want some Lego!" And then Santa'll go, "Ho, ho, ho!" And then he will hand it to a policeman to take.
The big present this year for kids This is the number one gift this year.
What, Heather Trott from EastEnders? LAUGHTER Let's have a look and see if Christmas presents are up there.
Yes! Christmas presents, of course.
Last year I bought my girlfriend a Hoover.
She didn't want it, so it has just gathering dust.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE What are the Christmas traditions you think people love? What do you love about Christmas? I love everything, so it doesn't matter to me.
The smell of it, the taste of it.
There's all these parties.
About two weeks before Christmas, there are about 25,000 parties.
People are always pissed, 24 hours a day.
We don't do that in Italy, we don't see that.
You don't have Christmas parties in? We don't get so hammered.
There is a speciality here.
You know, they are out and (MIMICS DRUNK) What do you do then? If you don't get arseholed, what do you do? He's not saying he doesn't get arseholed, he's saying That's another story.
APPLAUSE My favourite booze at Christmas, you know the cheap supermarket's equivalent? What is this? A glass of O'Flaherty's Gaelic Cream? LAUGHTER That sounds delicious.
That's nice at Christmas.
Iceland stuff is incredible, isn't it? Iceland food You want to say to Iceland, "If your food even looks shit "on the advert, people aren't going to buy it.
"You can have 300 shrimp and egg pizzas for £2.
" I imagine you probably can, yes.
They are absolutely vile.
They all look like stuff, something already puked up.
At the Christmas party, Bruno, presumably, you bust a few moves.
You do a lot of dancing? I do, but I just make a fool of myself because I can't really drink, I'm not a good drinker.
And the last time it was actually a Strictly party and after two glasses of wine, I'm gone.
And I kind of disrobed myself in front of Bruce Forsyth.
Which didn't go down very well.
I was kind of humping Claudia Winkleman.
So, after that time, I was banned from every Christmas party at the BBC.
So, I just put in my car and disappear.
Christmas party at the BBC is not easy.
Well, I did.
Mistletoe doesn't work, does it? It is meant to work, you know.
Yeah, it don't work, it's bollocks.
It doesn't matter how many times you shout, "You have to kiss me!" What's mistletoe got that, you know, it's just a plant that is still alive at Christmas.
Louis Walsh is alive at Christmas, I wouldn't kiss somebody under him.
I think the problem, why it's not working for you, Joe, is the way you're holding it.
Near yourself.
I guarantee every office in the country has someone who goes That's easy if you snog the boss, especially if you play for Man United.
I don't have a job, really, but I still have an office party, I just get pissed in my flat.
I kind of just talk about myself.
And I did actually buy a photocopier so I could photocopy my arse.
And then I had to give myself an official warning.
I imagine you were very strict.
Yeah.
A right good talking to.
I made myself come in Saturday morning.
I don't have a proper job either, so I have a similar I suppose tonight in a way is my Christmas party.
This is I will probably snog one of you.
Well, you've got a lovely shaggy hairdo.
Something to hold onto.
What am I talking about? Let's see if Christmas parties is one of the Christmas traditions we like best.
Yes, Christmas parties! Of course, a lot of people don't get to go to a Christmas party.
Are you alone at Christmas, no relatives, no colleagues, get to choose what you want to watch on TV? You lucky fuck.
What else do you think people like about Christmas? Carol singers.
- Carol singers? - Yes.
Do you like carol singing? No.
Does anyone like carol singing? When they come around to my house and you open the door, I always think to myself, "What do they want? "Is it sweets, money, booze, sex?" If I knew what it was they wanted But they just keep singing.
Money, isn't it? It's basically money, yeah.
Cos I just buy loads of sweets and I don't answer the door, same as Halloween.
And every other night, to be fair.
I don't like them when they come to the door.
I feel that is a bit weird and you're not sure what to do with them.
But if this guy came to my door, I would just be writing him a check.
(WHISTLES RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER) APPLAUSE He was whistling it, the other ones were doing Cos everyone knows the first line of a hymn and they just hum the rest.
Away in a manger (HUMS) .
.
Jesus! Do you have carols in Italy? We have different songs, not British ones.
In fact, sometimes you have to go to things and you have to, you know, they want you to sing, so I have to I just do the mouth and the eyes.
Because we don't What are you doing there? You have to pretend you know them.
You have Christmas songs, songs about? We have Christmas songs.
What's the matter, you? No, no.
Some people nail it.
Some people nail hymns and they make them beautiful.
This is Manchester City defender Aleksandar Kolarov.
This was posted on their website, he's belting out a classic here.
(READS MONOTONOUSLY) Oh jingle bells, jingle bells.
Jingle all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to ride in one-horse open sleigh.
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to ride in one-horse open sleigh.
A day or two ago I thought I'd take a ride and soon Miss Fanny Bright.
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.
Merry Christmas from everybody at Manchester City.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I don't know what that clip is called, but it should be called Contractual Obligation.
I have been kicked out of quite a few carol choirs.
Because I always bring sort of like a gangster rap element.
I sort of disrespect the other carol singers, call them bitches.
I sell drugs, as well.
I even occasionally do drive-by carol singing.
I just drive really slowly past someone's house singing Away In A Manger.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I can tell you, carol singing is not in our top five.
Oh.
I'll tell you who loves carol singers - nobody.
Well, that's it for part one.
Join us after the break to see what else is in our Christmas top five.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
We're trying to guess the nation's favourite Christmas traditions.
Jon's team, what other Christmas traditions do we enjoy? Is it Christmas TV? There's the Strictly Christmas special.
Well, that's brilliant, yeah.
Your show is pretty huge at Christmas, isn't it? Massive.
(SEAN) I don't see how that show could possibly get any more tinselly and sparkly.
How does it get up to sort of Christmas level? It's almost as though there's a danger of tinsel poisoning.
Cos there's so much glitter and tinsel everywhere.
There is even more at Christmas! More fake tan, glitter everywhere, snow.
You have to watch it tomorrow.
It's brilliant.
My biggest fear is that my telly breaks on Christmas Day.
There's nothing else to do, is there? The pub's closed.
The zoo's closed.
LAUGHTER Your mates aren't allowed to come out to play.
I don't know what I'd do.
I'd probably just hide in the woods.
Do you watch TV at Christmas? I do, yeah, cos I don't have a table.
So we just sit on the sofa with trays.
I think that's nicer, though, isn't it? I don't understand people who don't have tellies, because I don't know Where's it all aiming towards? Your seats are all pointing towards something.
What is it pointing towards? Books? (JON) Posh people, they don't watch anything but the Queen's Speech, do they? That's the test.
If you watch the Queen's Speech No-one else watches it cos she's just lying.
If she was honest about her year, it would be funny.
Like if this year she said, (AS THE QUEEN) I've seen a lot of my family this year.
Harry's cock, Kate's tits.
But she doesn't.
She'll bluff over it.
"It's been a lovely year.
I've got a lovely house.
" I'd quite like to see the outtakes, cos she's not going to have nailed it first time.
"This year's Oh, fuck it! "Go again! "I'll get it this time, I promise.
"Fucking autocue!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Let's have a see if Christmas TV and films were up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, Christmas television.
You know, Bruno, I love a bit of ballroom on Christmas Day.
And that's why I wear trackie bottoms.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Two more things to get.
BUZZER Christmas dinner, maybe? Christmas dinner is I mean, it's pretty unbelievably good.
Well, it's just huge, so it's always good for me.
We're entertaining for the first time this year.
My boyfriend's cooking, though.
I'm just in charge of chopping.
Apparently, 60% of Christmas dinners are prepared by the man.
Rest of the year, not fussed.
Christmas, I want to take control.
But don't they just do the carving? (JOE) Why is carving meant to be an honour? You're just hacking at meat.
If you're doing it properly, it's not hacking at meat! I do it in the garden in my pants.
And you get to eat the whole thing yourself.
No-one's going to touch it.
Watch what?! Have you cooked it first? I really can't remember at that point.
Men always want to set fire to the Christmas pudding as well.
That's a manly thing, isn't it? You can just see your dad, if it's not working well and not taking light, he just goes off and comes back with a jerry can.
"This'll work!" Fire and raisins Phwoar! My idea of Christmas, I think, as you get older, you want to have it every two years.
It comes around too often.
I think every two years would be good.
Firstly, it would mean finally Slade would have to dip into their pension pot.
Just imagine the size of the turkeys! They'd be huge, wouldn't they? You know, you'd have to get them in the oven like urgh! It would be like trying to get Chris Moyles in a Smart car.
(SARAH) People pretend they like turkey on Christmas Day, and ignore it the rest of the year round.
It's the same with your nana.
(LAUGHS) Be honest, though.
It sort of is.
She's just boring and dry.
(SEAN) The dripping.
That's what we have fights over in my house.
The turkey dripping.
We'd pour off all the fat and then you'd put it in the fridge, and you'd get a big layer of fat and you get the jelly, and that's the essence ofthe soul of the turkey.
It is! It's delicious! A lot of people put it in the gravy.
And then on Boxing Day, scrape a big piece of fat, put it on some toast, and then get the jelly on.
We have fights in my house over it.
What, who can get the ambulance first? LAUGHTER Luckily, we all get defibrillators for Christmas.
It's delicious.
Aldi this year are doing a four bird roast for £9.
99, and it's got pork stuffing in it.
That's five dead animals for a tenner.
If you can kill and raise five things for a tenner, that's not right, is it? So I'm trying to avoid all that.
Do you think they all live together, inside each other? Like, when the goose opened its mouth, there was a chicken in there and a duck.
"Christ sakes! Daylight!" They cut their balls off as well.
Animals, they cut their balls off so they taste better.
Cos apparently, you can taste randyness.
Which means I am safe from cannibalism.
I imagine I taste very gamey.
I've castrated goats.
You've done what, now?! I've castrated goats.
When did you castrate a goat?! I castrated goats when I was 18, 19.
I castrated dozens of goats.
It's actually very simple.
What you do is you get rubber bands.
(SARAH) Oh, yeah, I know this.
And you get four or five-day-old goats, and you just tie it many times around its testicles, and they wither and go black and just fall off.
Yeah, the weird thing was, he was working as an optician at the time.
Bruno, the Italian Christmas.
What do you eat? Well, it's very different, actually.
Usually you start with antipasti.
She sounds nice! Prosecco.
You have parma ham, let's say a little grilled peppers.
Parmesan cheese with lovely prosecco.
Then you have a starter, which usually is a soup.
Tortellini in Brodo, which is delicious.
Then you have the boiled meats, then you have the roasts, then you have the cakes.
So it's different.
We don't have turkey.
So are you surrounded at this by all the Dolmio family? (LAUGHS) Similar, yeah! Christmas, it's like all bets are off on Christmas Day.
You can go, "Right, Cornflakes.
"I'm going to have them with Bailey's.
Delicious.
" We were talking about this today.
Coco Pops with Bailey's, and make a Coco Pop Rice Krispie cake as a little cup, pour the Bailey's into it.
Willy Wonka land, innit? Eat the cup.
That would be fucking amazing, wouldn't it?! There's your advert as well.
"These are fucking amazing!" "Honestly, fuck me!" Let's have a look and see if Christmas dinner is one of our favourite things.
APPLAUSE Indeed.
Our favourite Christmas tradition is Christmas dinner.
Pigs in blankets are popular round my house at Christmas.
That's my girlfriend and her sister watching TV in a blanket.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Yeah, you can laugh.
I'm in trouble.
Fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to get.
BUZZER What do you think, Jon? Is it going to church? You know, religion and all that "real" meaning? As if anyone wants the real meaning of Christmas! I drink heavily to avoid the real meaning of anything.
We all know what I'm about.
But people, they go to church, don't they? Apparently, 3 million people attend church on Christmas Day.
You're either into it I look at the church like Claire's Accessories.
I'm probably never going to go in one, but for people that need it, absolutely fine.
Pop down there.
If I end up in Claire's Accessories, something's gone wrong.
I've had some sort of breakdown.
The idea of going to Midnight Mass is exciting, isn't it? You think, "I'm a little bit tipsy, it's cold, there's candles.
"There'll be beautiful music in a lovely church.
" And then you get there, and a bloke in a dress talks about his invisible friend for two hours.
Like, wake me up when they serve the wine.
(SARAH) I assumed that was why it was so popular.
Cos it's after pub chucking out time.
People are just like, "They'll have wine, let's go there!" I'm a bell ringer.
So, erm Bruno, that does not mean what you think it means.
No, I just had a thought.
Yeah, I am a bell ringer, so Christmas Day is like our FA Cup final.
But the lads are ready, and we're just going to go out and enjoy ourselves.
Sean, do you go to church on Christmas? No, I don't.
No, Jimmy.
For me, you're in or you're out.
It's a bit like, um, skiing.
You're either skiing or you're not.
Yeah, not my best analogy, that one.
Soup! It's a bit like eating soup.
You're either eating soup or you're going, "I don't fancy that.
" (SARAH) Sometimes people have soup every now and then.
I don't have soup every day but I sometimes fancy soup.
Yeah, you're right.
It's not a good one, is it? I'll try and think of a better one.
All right, it's a bit like, um Oh Racism? No.
It's like you either wear a bra or you don't.
Although I do that sometimes as well.
LAUGHTER Yeah, I used to be an altar boy.
You used to be an altar boy? Oh, yeah.
Christ, that explains a lot.
And I got promoted to the incensey thing, where you do that.
What is that?! What are you doing? The incense.
Oh, OK.
I wasn't sure what you were doing with your hand! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE (SARAH) Oh, he's good! Jimmy's good! (BRUNO) The church is well renowned! (SEAN) They never laid a finger on me! (STEPHEN) Or me.
I've never had any problems in that department.
It was me.
They found me a bit sexually aggressive.
Priests would go, "Just back off, all right?!" OK, let's see if going to church is up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, Midnight Mass is held at midnight on Christmas Eve, to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, who was born at pretend o'clock on the 32nd of Nevuary.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So those were the top five Christmas traditions.
But Christmas is about more than that.
Last year, the lights in Oxford Street were turned on by Take That.
As were hundreds of middle-aged women.
When it comes to decorating the tree, there's nothing better than going up to the loft, dusting off that box, bringing it down to the living room, opening it up, realising you've accidentally brought down your old porn mags, going back up to the loft, and half an hour later, coming down with the Christmas decorations.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And Jesus' mum, Mary, was a virgin.
God made her pregnant, and she was given refuge in an inn.
If it happened today, the Daily Mail would report the Nativity as: "Pregnant immigrant teen gets free handouts!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE At the end of that round, Sean, Bruno, and Joe have 3 points.
Sean, Sarah, and Stephen have 2 points.
APPLAUSE CHRISTMAS BELLS JINGLE Can youcan you hear that? Can you hear that, ladies and gentlemen? I think that might mean Santa Claus is coming.
CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Helm, our Santa Claus.
APPLAUSE - Hey, Santa.
- Hello.
Is it a busy time of year for you, Santa Claus? Is it a busy time of year for me, Jimmy?! Are you taking the piss? I'm just asking if (SHOUTS) Yes, Jimmy, it's fucking busy right now! Well, we were going to book you in the summer, but people weren't into it.
(MUTTERS) He's such a prick.
OK, how come you're here? Just tell us why you're here.
I'm here because I'm going to ask a series of questions, and if you get it right, you get a nice gift, and if you get it wrong, you get a pile of shit.
So we're going to do this.
Good! Christmassy (!) Oh, stop talking over my bit! So this first question is to you, Jon.
OK.
Jon, true or false, 70% of dog owners buy their pet a Christmas present? Oh, it's got to be 100, hasn't it? Why would you get a dog if you were an evil shit who wasn't going to buy it a Christmas present? I will say .
.
tralse? I really want a present! I think it's true.
You think it's true? Yeah.
You think it's true.
(YELLS) It is true! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It is true! This is for you.
The elves love you.
And you, Sarah, as well.
They love you as well, Sean.
They love you, Joe.
Er, you, not so much.
And you've been a naughty fucker this year, haven't you? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So they've written you a novel.
What's the title of the book, Jon? It's Pride, Prejudice, and Debauchery by Jane Austen and Sylvia Hadfield.
It's a personalised erotic novel for you.
"Sarah took the lead, "and directing Richardson to a convenient lonely direction, "perfect for their purpose, "they set to hiding themselves away beneath dark trees, "and kissed at last.
"Richardson unbuttoned his trousers with one hand.
"The other twined around Sarah's neck, "and quickly, he pulled out a very fair prick.
" LAUGHTER "He had a full stand.
"Richardson took Sarah's hand "and placed her fingers upon and around his urgent cock.
"She grasped it tightly.
" (AS SARAH) "Ooh, Richardson!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "Ah cannat believe it's going to finally happen, man!" That's a great gift, and I'm very grateful for it.
Good.
OK, this next question is for Joe.
Hello, Joe.
Hello.
You remind me of a young me.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Joe, name all of my reindeer.
(SARAH) Can we help him? No! Erm Jermaine, Tito .
.
Janet .
.
Victoria and, um, Nicky.
Don't know.
Sorry.
(SEAN) Sneezy! Sneezy, Bashful, Doc.
(SCREAMS) They're dwarves! They're Jacksons and dwarves! You can have a shit gift.
Thank you.
(BRUNO) A balaclava! Is it a balaclava? I say "shit gift" It's bloody LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's just like me, in negative.
Thank you, Santa.
Bruno, what's the biggest selling Christmas single of all time, White Christmas by Bing Crosby, or 'Do They Know It's Christmas?' by Band Aid? White Christmas by Bing Crosby.
Yeah, fine, fuck it.
Keep it short, keep it sweet! Oh, Len Goodman! Well, I see him nine months of the year! I don't want it.
Get your boyfriend to wear it! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, that's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Thanks once again, Santa.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas Special.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Jon, Bruno, Joe, what do you like the look of? LAUGHTER I like the look of him.
I think he's very attractive.
Oh, what is the point of me? That's quite interesting, your team.
Because, like, Joe and Bruno are, like, polar opposites.
And Jon's like a perfect marriage of the two.
Like the evolution of man.
LAUGHTER OK, so what do you like the look of? Let's have the people sitting around playing nicely.
All right.
Most people think the best game to play at Christmas is? Well, we play rugby.
LAUGHTER 50 Shades Of Grey.
There is a game.
It's true.
It's going to be a huge hit.
It's been released.
50 Shades Of Grey - the game.
The board game? Yes.
For Christmas? Yes.
With Nan? LAUGHTER It's to show them different ways of using tinsel.
It's been described as a romantic liberating party game that's designed to entertain, surprise and reveal how you see your friends.
Second prize in a birthday contest, shove the dice up your arse.
LAUGHTER It's different.
It's a bit different, yeah.
A good game to play is to sit in a room on Christmas Day and start drinking in the morning.
Drink all day and then later on in the evening you take it in turns to tell each other exactly what you think of them.
LAUGHTER That isn't a game, that is Christmas Day.
That is Christmas Day.
LAUGHTER The best games are mind games, aren't they? Really get inside someone's head.
Really ruin their day.
One at a time.
Just eat your lunch.
Even if it's not burnt.
Go, "Oh, it's a shame that's a bit burnt, isn't it? LAUGHTER The earliest they cry, that's when you win.
Mix everyone's drinks, but made one person's a little bit stronger every time.
LAUGHTER Are you all right? You've had what everyone else has had.
You're a bit LAUGHTER I'm genuinely going to write that down, I'm going to do that.
LAUGHTER I think that is a fantastic idea.
Is it how many things you can balance on your grandad before he wakes up? LAUGHTER Your grandmother.
Like wardrobe Grandma! LAUGHTER That's a good idea for a game that, Grandad Buckaroo.
Yeah.
He hasn't woken up.
And then afterwards you can play granddad operation.
I've got his spleen! Oh, he's woken up! LAUGHTER Sean, do you play games at yours? Yes, we play hide the Sikh.
LAUGHTER Invite a Sikh round.
(GROANING) LAUGHTER And then LAUGHTER You try and find him! What do you say when you find him? I can't believe it's not Buddha? LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK.
Most people think the best game to play at Christmas is what? Cross country running? LAUGHTER Winner gets a Baileys? Oooh? charades? Always charades or something.
The right answer.
APPLAUSE Well done.
I can tell you most people think the best game at Christmas is charades.
According to safety experts, three people die each year whilst playing charades.
That's nothing, literally thousands of people are killed by snakes and ladders.
LAUGHTER People love charades.
I was at the beach and there was even a man doing charades in the sea.
LAUGHTER I couldn't tell what it was but he looked like he was having fun! LAUGHTER OK.
Next question, Sean, what one do you like the look of? Big Ben.
OK.
Most people would rather spend New Year's Eve home alone than at a party.
True or false? I love New Year's Eve.
It's great.
You go around, get drunk and you go around and you kiss and hug people and go It's like being Berlusconi for a day.
Joe, what do you do for New Year's? Try and get into parties.
LAUGHTER What do you do though? Run at them.
LAUGHTER On New Year's Eve, Jon, are you a big New Year's Eve guy? A big party animal? I've had nights before where I've just gone out at midnight, let a Party Popper off in my garden, come back in again.
LAUGHTER Why is it such a big deal in Scotland? Because they've got nothing else to live for.
LAUGHTER That'll go down well north of the border.
Maybe they just bagsied it.
Maybe everyone got like a thing and Scotland went, we'll have New Year, that'll be ours.
We'll have Pancake Day.
Wheee! LAUGHTER Pan-cack Day? Yeah.
Every time I cook it's Pan-cack Day.
LAUGHTER Most people would rather spend New Year's Eve home alone than at a party.
Can I still have a buffet? LAUGHTER Yeah, go on.
OK.
At least if I'm on my own there's a guarantee of sex.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What do you mean? LAUGHTER I time it Ten! Woo-hoo! That's a hootenanny.
LAUGHTER Let's get some words on this.
What do you think, Jon? No-one wants to stay in, do they? False.
You're saying false.
What are you saying? False.
OK, I can tell you the answer is false.
APPLAUSE At the end of that it's three points for Sean's team, five for Jon's team.
APPLAUSE SLEIGH BELLS And I think that sound might mean that Santa's back.
Santa, everyone.
APPLAUSE Hello again, Santa.
Hello again, Santa.
I think we got off on slightly the wrong foot earlier.
What have you been up to since you were last here? Just been sat out there.
LAUGHTER You could have delivered some presents in that time.
Yeah! LAUGHTER Good answer.
I've got to rattle through it.
Yeah, fine, yeah.
Brilliant, OK, fine.
Sean, what do people prefer to receive? Home-made presents or bought ones? Bought ones.
Yep.
LAUGHTER Blimey It's a body! It's at least a head! Got one.
LAUGHTER Santa got you that.
You can't just fling it back in his face.
I've got one.
Wrong tog! LAUGHTER You haven't got one of those! Well it's a sleeping bag.
SANTA: It's not! Oh! SANTA: It's technically a sleeping bag but it's got legs.
I got it for you.
Oh, I see.
Come on.
HECKLER: Wear it! CROWD CHEER AND APPLAUD Do you like camping? Yeah, I like camping.
I don't like scaring other campers.
LAUGHTER SANTA: You're my favourite, Sean.
Thanks.
Has it got a little nozzle so we can fill it with helium and just carry him.
Like a little an angry balloon.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You look like an alcoholic who thinks he's a Teletubby.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It looks It looks a little bit like a safe sex campaign.
LAUGHTER It looks like my immersion heater has come to life.
Something really quite bad could happen to me, wearing this suit.
How is it looking from your end? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Are you enjoying the show? Did you just say that's a pretty hot candy, are you enjoying the show? Yeah.
It's a good look, here.
Mr Blobby's been on a diet, hasn't he? LAUGHTER Terrible.
Thank you.
Thank you, Sean.
There you go.
Cheers, thanks, Santa.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Santa, it's a lovely gift.
So, who's next? Dead right, brilliant.
Sarah.
True or false? In Estonia, it's traditional on Christmas Eve to have a sauna with your family.
True.
True, yeah, it is.
Which is all sorts of fucked up.
So LAUGHTER I think it sounds lovely having a bath outside with your family.
You get a present.
There you go, love.
(LAUGHS) It's a doll of me.
What's it called? It's called the Mega Millican.
LAUGHTER Can I get it out? Yeah, go on.
I want to see if it's anatomically correct.
Cos I have got a cock! LAUGHTER That is terrifying.
I'm quite pleased with it because I'm quite scared of you.
Good, all right, brilliant.
Stephen Who would people rather spend Christmas with, their own family or the Royal Family? Oh, their own family.
Yes.
That's for you.
Thank you.
He's got an attitude.
You just picking up on that now? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Santa Claus.
Give him a round of applause.
That's the end of part three, see you after the break.
Welcome back to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas special.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here is your first one.
Stop smoking.
Stop smoking.
I could tell you it is not, that is number three.
I am going to try and cut down on the old Mint Vienettas.
LAUGHTER I have got a patch now which releases minty creaminess to sort of help wean me off.
If you make a New Year's resolution and you do not complete it, I think you should either be Shot is a bit extreme.
Maybe fired into space or something? If you actually swear it, it is like getting married and making this resolution, and then there are serious consequences if you fail.
You lose a finger every time you do it.
This is a much better idea, I like this.
I don't think I need all my fingers.
When do you use your little finger? I don't think I need it.
I use it.
I use it because I love tea.
I keep a little bird on mine.
Give it a bigger home.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I am definitely going to take baths differently.
What, sorry? Take baths differently.
I am not going to do it the traditional way on my back, I will do it on my front.
JIMMY LAUGHS I call it the mermaid.
If you get enough momentum, you will sort of just come out.
It is going to be a crap year next year, anyway.
2013 is just too ugly a number, we should skip it.
It sounds horrible, having to say what year is it? Two-thousand-and-thirteen.
You could say 21-three.
That has got a better ring to it.
That is like 21-three, though, isn't it? 2012+1.
It is like a channel.
What are you, 20 minus 7? There are an infinite number of ways.
You can do sort of three, two, one, by doing 20-0-1-3.
Oh, nice.
That is not 20, I don't want to break your heart.
2-0-1-3.
Again but quicker.
APPLAUSE That is good, I like that.
So most common New Year's resolution, what do you think? Get in shape? I choose round.
Losing weight, losing weight, everybody wants to lose weight.
It is the right answer.
Did I win?! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Bruno is our first guest who has ever taken this game seriously.
LAUGHTER Yes, the most common New Year's resolution is losing weight.
Dieting is big in January while dieters are big again in February.
BUZZER Eat chocolate for breakfast.
Only do at Christmas? Oh, no.
I don't like advent calendars.
I like an advent calendar.
We got a really good one last year and I came home on the second or third of December from a few days away and my boyfriend looked really guilty.
I said, what have you done? He said, I have eaten a fortnight.
LAUGHTER A thing some people only do at Christmas is drink eggnog.
Eggnog? It's liquid egg! Why would you want to drink that? Only drink it if there is lots of alcohol in it, but even then it still tastes like gleet.
Are you not a fan of eggnog? I have got a little drinky treat for you.
It is not eggnog? Well, I have got better than eggnog.
I have got some eggnog, but I have bought some bacon-flavoured vodka.
GROANS So I am making bacon and eggnog.
Let's have that.
OK.
(STEPHEN) It is just egg and cream.
Why would you do it? I take it you don't want one then? I'll have one.
I have got some other drinks, don't worry about that.
I'll give you two of these over here.
Where is the vodka? I will give you the vodka in one second.
There is the vodka but taste that, genuinely.
I mean that looks like a pus-y discharge.
LAUGHTER The other drinks that I have got for you, cos Christmas drinks are fun, this is pizza-flavoured beer.
I'll have a go on that? Sure.
It is beer but it genuinely tastes of a pizza.
Get involved.
Awesome.
Do you want to give that a go? I will have a go, yeah, thank you, Jimmy.
I want some beans.
(BRUNO) You drink all that?! (LAUGHS) A lot of the stuff I drink smells of bacon because I don't do the washing up properly.
He drank both! It is vile, absolutely vile.
Bruno, Bruno, take that.
Genuinely, that tastes of pizza.
LAUGHTER Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Look! Look what you have done to me! Oh, no! It is Christmas, everybody! I am glad it had a happy ending! I've changed my mind, it is not a pus-y discharge.
I am going to smell so good on the tube home! OK, so top thing Brits only do at Christmas, something you do at Christmas dinner.
Crackers! Speak to your relatives.
Crackers, crackers, crackers, Crackers! Christmas crackers is the right answer.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OUT-OF-TIME-BUZZER That sound means it is the end of the show, which means the final scores are Sean, Sarah and Stephen have three points.
Jon, Bruno and Joe are the winners with seven points! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks to our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and all of you watching at home.
That is it from us, good night and a Merry Christmas! Red Bee Media Ltd