8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s16e01 Episode Script

Series 16, Episode 1

1 THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, look at that lovely smile - it's Jack Dee! She loves her country - it's Jamelia! And their team captain, Sean Lock! And facing them tonight, boy, oh, boy - it's Steve Jones! Notorious D-O-D - it's David O'Doherty! And their team captain, Jon Richardson.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, the show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 30% of people would consider moving abroad after a holiday? I read about two girls who recently went on holiday to Peru and they liked it so much, they're saying for six to eight years.
20% of travellers claim to be members of the Mile High Club.
I once had a near miss on a flight to Thailand.
Sorry, not near miss - pre-op transsexual.
And 23% of Brits have never visited France, which means they've never experienced the thrill of sitting in a cafe on the Champs-Elysees and being put off their croissant by the sight of a woman's hairy armpits and the smell of dog shit.
Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
Sean's team, what has the nation been talking about this week? - Strictly Come Dancing has started again.
- It's back on, huge.
It is huge, massive.
Although the line-up is a bit Well, I think most of them should bring a utility bill.
I don't know who they are.
- I thought there were huge stars on there.
- Like who? - Vanessa Feltz.
JAMELIA AND AUDIENCE CHUCKLE You did that, I said nothing.
I did that as well, I've been locked in a house with Vanessa Feltz.
- I can testify.
- Of course, when you did Celebrity Big Brother.
I do Comic Relief Big Brother in 2001 with Vanessa Feltz - and she isshe's nuts.
- How long did you last in that, Jack? I was in there a whole week.
I won it, of course.
- Oh, wow.
Yeah, I remember now.
- It's your charm and personality that shines through.
You captured the nation's hearts.
Exactly, people just sort of warmed to me and wanted me to stay.
- I think people kept you in because they knew it would irritate you.
- Yeah! Do you want to have Let's have a look at Vanessa Feltz in action on Strictly.
Now, don't get me wrong Yeah, I think you're all right That won't keep me warm in the middle of the night That don't impress me much Uh-huh, yeah-yeah That don't impress me much.
APPLAUSE, THEN LAUGHTER She didn't dance at all, though.
That's not dancing.
I did say, "Let's see her in action," and I feel bad about that cos she burned about four calories there, I'd say.
I'm just thinking, do you think she's just said, "I'll come and do the show but I'm just not going to do too much "because I'm a bitheavy?" - Do you mean, like, serious? - I mean, like, seriously.
- Oh, no, you're being incredibly bitchy, OK.
Go on.
- No! I'm really not! - I didn't realise where you were going.
I'm with you.
- No! - You can't go, "No!" - You just called her fat and go, "No!" - No, I didn't! - I didn't call her fat.
- You used another word.
- I didn't, I didn't! - Large.
Because I'm just saying, she hasn't danced much and to me, if you're going on a dancing show, you should dance.
In your defence, she came on my show at the start of the year, Let's Dance, and said, "I'm not going to dance.
" - That's what I'm saying.
- We lowered her from the ceiling onto a gigantic eight-foot-long cannon with her legs spread-eagled in a sequin leotard.
Is that the only way you could get her in the building? David O'Doherty, would you go on the show? I was just trying to think of what it would require for me to WATCH it, firstly.
It would require either a baking element or a crystal meth element.
The ultimate TV show would be a combination of baking So like The Great British Breaking Bad Off where they'd all cook meth but then the judging would take ages.
- Jon, would you do Strictly? - No, I don't dance.
The only dance I do is YMCA.
And that's more spelling than dancing.
Sean, presumably you've watched the show, would you go on Strictly? Well, you know, if, erm .
.
if my whole career fell apart in tatters, I'd really no option and lot of tax bills to pay and situation LAUGHTER, THEN APPLAUSE You only go on it if your career has reached a certain point.
You have to throw yourselves up into the sort of tides of popularity and hope you get washed up on a beach, not smashed to pieces on the rocks.
- Right.
On that note, Jamelia, would you do it? - Piss off! - What? Honest to God, I get asked to do it every single year and just hell, no.
It's one of the two biggest shows on TV.
Do you know the stupid amounts of money - they offer you to do that show? - Go on, how much did they offer you? - No.
It's ridiculous.
- Oh, come on.
- I mean, ridiculous amounts of money.
You can buy a house, put it that way.
But you live in Birmingham! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Let's have a look and see if Strictly is up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, indeed.
Strictly Come Dancing has started again.
In the first episode of this series, everyone agreed Abbey Clancy stole the show.
Typical Scouser.
Let's just have a brief musical interlude while Jon shows us his dancing.
MUSIC: "YMCA" by Village People CHEERING, RHYTHMIC APPLAUSE IN TIME TO MUSIC CHEERING TURNS TO BOOING Boo, boo! Cut that.
How is that? I hate being made to dance.
I'll dance on my own in my kitchen and that is the only I was at a wedding the other week and a girl kept going, "Why don't you go and have a dance?" I said, "I don't want a dance.
" She said, "Are you boring?" I went, "Yeah, and YOU'RE talking to me.
" Jon's team, what do you think the nation have been talking about? - It's got to be Ed Miliband.
- Go on, tell me the story.
The story is that the Daily Mail haveI think personally they've pretty much created a Batman.
The Daily Mail are the Joker and they've shot Ed Miliband's parents in front of him, specifically his father, by saying that he's a Marxist who hates Britain and Ed Miliband has gone apeshit crazy over it.
I don't think Ed Miliband is capable of going apeshit crazy about anything.
Let me tell you, if he is Batman, he needs to fight fire with fire, because you can't win a war of words with the Daily Mail.
He needs to go down to where the Daily Mail is made, wait for the journalists who printed the story to leave the building, then he needs to beat the shit out of them.
I think the most frightening thing is that the Daily Mail has possibly run out of living people to hate.
So now they've had to move on to the deceased.
And soon they're going to be done with all of them so they'll have to move on to fictional characters.
"Oh, look at Pooh Bear, just lounging round "Hundred Acre Wood, Broken Britain, honey, eurgh!" Jack, what do you make of Ed Miliband's father being slagged off in the Daily Mail? Like a lot of people, I think it's pretty awful.
Ed's dad has a lot in common with my dad.
- Because Ralph Miliband fled Belgium to escape the Nazis.
- Right.
My dad fled Belgium to escape Belgium.
He was there, he wasn't enjoying it so he got on one of the last boats out.
He was one of the lucky ones.
But it's true, everyone Stop staring at me! Don't! LAUGHTER Until you've been to Belgium, you don't realise how much you do love this country.
Vinnie Jones is one of the few people who's Vinnie Jones leftleft the country, lives in America now.
- Don't turn your back on me, just be normal.
- Where can I look? - Just be a normal human for a change.
- I'll look up there.
- Is everyone happy with that? - But if you were That just seems rude.
Sean was staring at me.
I felt like a bit of fresh meat in a prison and he's an old timer.
- Weighing me up.
- Jamelia, if someone slagged off your dad - I didn't even - Well, the thing is Is this not normal? Is this your personal space? Am I invading it? It'sit's weird, Sean.
I don't know If someone slagged off my dad, I don't care, cos he's a knob.
So LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Can I just say, Sean is now taking the piss.
- No, I'm not.
- Cos I mentioned - While Jamelia's talking, I'll look at Jack - No, no, no.
- .
.
and vice versa.
Where do I look? Can someone get me a book to look at? - See the way Jon is over there? Perfect.
- JACK: Yeah.
- Look at that.
- You should be a bit more like me, mate.
- Totally relaxed.
I'm annoyed that we didn't get to slag Vinnie Jones off.
- Vinnie Jones, he's another great academic, of course, who's left the country(!) - Why did he leave? He says he doesn't like Britain any more, not what it used to be, he's gone to live in America.
His argument about Britain was that he said if you landed near Heathrow now in a blindfold, I wouldn't know which country I was in.
If you landed in Vinnie Jones's kitchen, had a blindfold on, took it off, YOU wouldn't know which country you were in cos he's still eating English food in an English house.
I bet he's got football tops on his wall, I bet he's still got Sky Sports.
You can say what you like cos if he finds out about it, it's because he's watching this show so he's watching English TV, so he's a fucking dick.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, actually, I've met him andyeah, pretty much.
I read that.
Vinnie, as you rightly point out, Vinnie said, "If you blindfold me, put me on an aeroplane "and landed in Britain, I wouldn't know where I was.
" And I felt like saying, "That's what blindfolds are for.
" That means it's worked, Vinnie.
OK, let's see if the Mail-Miliband row is up there.
Yes, Ed Miliband is at war with the Daily Mail over an article attacking his father.
It begs the question, why do the Daily Mail hate Ralph Miliband so much? He was a Marxist academic, not a black Romanian disabled single mum on benefits.
Sean's team, what else has the nation been talking about? What you think, Jack? Sorry.
Jack! What do you think, Jack? - Erm, America, probably.
America? - Yeah, America.
It's a huge story.
Go on.
American budgets, they can't pass a budget.
Loads of state-run organisations, departments have had to close - because they can't be currently funded.
- Loads of these.
Tourist destinations have closed as well, so the Statue of Liberty is closed, the Grand Canyon, Alcatraz Museum.
How did they close the Grand Canyon? Did they put a tarpaulin over it? I think it's just a massive zip.
They just go, "ZZZZIIIP! Nothing to see, move on.
" The Statue of Liberty is just sat down with a cigarette.
All of these things, can't you see them from a distance anyway? I don't really see what the.
You're not even allowed to look at them.
Even if you cast a glance at the Statue of Liberty, you're a scab.
Especially with my crazy, googly eyes! The worst story I heard was on Death Row, guys are having to electrocute themselves with a broom handle.
They're all strapped in, they go "Arrrghhh!" I'll tell you what I don't like about this situation, I do actually know something about it.
The fact that they're fighting I know you're quite shocked! They're not fighting Well, it IS kind of fighting.
Whoever it is, Republicans Are they the opposite? What was the thing you knew about it? So Obama is trying to pass Obamacare which is kind of like an NHS, so basically the Republicans, they just want people to die.
- They're like No, they do.
They do! - This is the nub of it.
There are 44 million Americans unable to get health insurance, and if you don't have insurance and you visit the emergency room in America, it will cost the average person ¤1,200.
So if you're pregnant and you haven't got health insurance, you need to go to the hospital, they knock the baby back in with a mallet.
If anyone needs health care, it's Americans, cos they're unhealthy.
Most of them have got four buttocks, haven't they? They eat shit.
Their blood doesn't pump around their system, they squeeze it around like pate.
I'm looking forward to the film.
They've made films about 9/11, they do films about everything in America.
So there'll be a film called Shutdown.
Ryan Gosling in New York going, "Those sons of bitches closed down "every public toilet in the north-east side of the city.
"I gotta take a shit!" I think the supreme irony of it is I don't mind if I'm the one who happened to point it out .
.
but I think the supreme irony of it all, and I hope I'm quoted in generations to come for this observation - I'm going to make - A bit of hush, please? .
.
it's called the land of the free, but nothing is free.
APPLAUSE Let's have a look and see if it's up there.
That's it for part one, see you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
We're guessing the most talked about things this week.
Jon, what else have the nation been talking about? - The Tory Party conference.
- You people and your Tory Party conference.
Who are they for? Who are political conferences for? The only people interested in this are on the stage or in the audience, frantically clapping.
Imagine if you said something at a political party conference and it didn't get a round of applause.
You would be so You can say, "A burrito in the middle of the day is quite heavy," and it's like, "Arrrghhh! True!" But even with that, it's gentle applause, it's not mad, because the papers have been saying, "Cameron, it wasn't an amazing reception.
" You think, "It was a Tory Party conference.
" They're not renowned for people getting their tits out.
And spraying beer everywhere.
At best, it's Tories going, "Yes, I think that's probably a bloody good idea.
" Let's look at the Tories in action.
David Cameron giving his speech.
In his speech last week, Ed Miliband promised that he would never be photographed with his shirt off in public.
And Ed, after hearing that speech, here's the deal.
You keep your shirt on, I'll keep the lights on.
APPLAUSE What's he saying? He's saying to Ed Miliband, "You keep your shirt on, and I'll turn the lights "I'll turn the lights on.
" So, is he saying he wants to see him naked or not? It's a really mixed message.
- Ed Miliband had said, there were shots of him - On the beach.
And he said, "You won't ever see me with my shirt off," trying to promote myself as some kind of relaxed individual.
- I think he's saying, yeah.
- Let's have a look at Cameron topless.
If you notice, he's not looking directly at Jack there.
That's Jack standing with his hands on his hips on the beach.
The other thing they kept saying again and again, "Hard-working people.
For hard-working people" Well, you know, how about a party for people who can't be arsed? Like most of the rest of us, because most of us don't actually want to have to work very hard, that's the point.
There are an awful lot of us out there, if you think of it, there must be loads of people who aren't hard-working.
Loads of people, oh, God.
The bloke who operates Tower Bridge.
That goes up and down once a week or something, doesn't it? He's just sitting there, picks up the phone, "What? "Oh, I did that last Again? Oh.
"Oh, OK, there you go.
" Have they won you over this week, Steve? I will say that Cameron is a wily minx.
He was interviewed and asked how much a loaf of bread is, and he said, "Actually, I wouldn't know, I make my own.
" And then they said to him, "How much is a pint of milk?" and he said, "Don't need it, Sam's pregnant again.
" - What was that knocking sound on it? - That was the suction cup.
- Oh, I see.
I thought she was like Pinocchio.
Have you never milked a woman before, Jon? Not with my hands.
I think, Steve, if I'm not very much mistaken, two guys have taken advantage of you.
- Yeah.
- "Why do we need to have the lights off?" APPLAUSE That was a really good answer, I thought, because politicians every year, some politician will get caught out with, "Oh, much is a Flump? "How much is a bag of Flumps these days?" And none of them can say, "I'm running the country, someone gets my milk.
"All right? I've got shit to do, I don't buy milk.
" The person that wasn't flummoxed by that question was of course Boris Johnson.
Take a look.
You're the man who wants to reduce the top rate of tax to 40p in the pound, don't you? Yeah, I'm also the man who cut council tax year after year in London, which helps every household.
Do you even know the cost of a pint of milk? Erm About 80p or something like that.
- No, it's about 40 something p.
- OK, well, big One, one, one of those biggish ones This is a classic Boris.
You're going to change now this sort of milk.
- I said a pint of milk.
- All right, a pint of milk, OK, about 40.
Well, there you go.
I don't know how much a pint of milk costs - so what? Don't you think you should if you're concerned about the cost of living? How much is a loaf of bread? I'M not standing for election.
You are.
APPLAUSE The thing I like about that is, the next time he's asked in an interview, "How much is a pint of milk?" he's going to go, "Oh, shit, I knew I meant to remember.
" You've been to a Tory Party conference, haven't you, Jamelia? Yeah.
Honestly, it was the most boring thing ever.
Every single They had all these meetings in different rooms, and I was like, "I don't care what you've got to say.
" It was so boring.
Then that man, the man from Queen, with the hair, what's his name? - Brian May.
- Brian May, I swear, he came up to me and he was like, "Jamelia, I would love you to support my cause.
" He wanted me to save some badgers.
I was like, I swear APPLAUSE Let's see if the Tory Party conference is up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, the Tory Party conference.
It started with a short film about Margaret Thatcher which got a standing ovation.
To be fair, it has got a brilliant ending.
OK, fingers on buzzers, one more thing to go.
What else has the nation been talking about? Is it the case that the Jackson family have tried to sue - the promoter.
- AEG.
Yes, the promoters of the concert.
Who hired Conrad Murray.
And they lost.
So, the Jackson family tried to sue AEG for £1.
6 billion in damages.
I was really pleased when I heard the story came out, because I always think, Michael Jackson, it's the death that keeps on giving.
For comics.
For comics, it's just great, because you could just Any story with him, you go, "Brilliant, "we can do all the Jackson jokes again.
" Get them out.
I think comedians should build a statue, a monument to him just to say thanks.
Can I just clarify, are they suing the production company, whatever it's called, for murder? No, they were suing the production company because they hired the doctor that administered the drugs that killed Michael Jackson.
- Kind of murder.
- Not kind of murder, no, no.
You know what I just said? It was that - not murder.
- Cool.
- Sort of murder.
They call it quite murder.
What happened was, the production company provided Michael Jackson with a doctor who then provided Michael Jackson with a huge array of drugs.
They found, they found something like 78 different types of drugs in his bedroom when he was dead, when they looked.
The most worrying of them was Calpol.
And Or his own personal favourite - Rohypsi-lix.
A lot of them were sedatives and relaxants.
I'm surprised he wasn't carried around in liquid form.
Like, in a tank, just sloshing around.
"It's Michael, ready for his next dress rehearsal.
" Just pour him out onto the stage.
- The sad thing is, a lot of people - He just keeps giving! Thanks, Michael! Not easy, not easy being Michael Jackson's doctor, because he rings up, "Ow, ow!" "What's the matter, Michael?" "I'm rehearsing.
"I'm fine!" - Oh, come on.
- Say thank you to Michael for that.
Thank you, Michael, thank you.
Thankfully, well, not thankfully enough for the Jackson family, but they lost, but they lost to AEG.
They lost their case, and I was thinking, what would AEG have done if the Jackson family had won? They owe them £1.
6 billion.
The only way they could make that money back is by digging up Jacko's corpse and doing like a Weekend At Bernie's thing.
Like, "Ah-hee-hee!" - "Shamone!" - We've got the operator right here if you want to give it That's what I thought.
When you hear these cases, you think, "1.
6 billion, it won't bring him back, will it?" And I thought, "That almost could.
" That's almost enough money to reanimate Michael Jackson, I think, if you get the right people involved.
?1.
6 billion, you could have a bloody good go with that.
He was on so many sedatives, it's possible that he's not even dead, he's just They'll open it up, and he'll, "Oh! Let's go!" You think Michael Jackson might just need to sleep it off? Someone should go and check on him.
It's not a bad thought.
They got rid of his statue, didn't they? Up at Fulham.
Al Fayed had invited him to a football match, and he went to see Fulham versus Wigan.
I like the idea that Al Fayed rang him up and said, "Is that Michael?" "Yeah, who is that?" "It's Al Fayed.
" And then he says, "Do you want to go to a football match?" "Who's playing?" "Wigan.
" "Yeah.
Yeah" New owners bought Fulham.
They took the statue down.
It's a bit like when you move into a new house, you think, "The first thing that's going is the avocado bathroom.
"Then the pebble-dashing.
"And the statue of the paedophile out the front.
" APPLAUSE "That's got to go.
" Thanks, Michael.
Thanks, Michael.
What are we doing? What are we doing looking up? Thanks, Michael.
Thanks, Michael.
I can tell you that's not one of the most talked about things this week, but promoters at Michael Jackson's ill-fated tour have been found not guilty in a lawsuit brought by the Jackson family.
The Jacksons claim that AEG had ignored signs that Michael was in poor health.
Little tell-tale signs like when his face fell off.
- Fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to go.
- BUZZER It must be the return of the X Factor.
Which is why Kurt Cobain killed himself.
But it's different now because there's chairs(!) - The chairs are good, aren't they? - I love a chair, mate.
Don't like the singing or any of the people involved, but those chairs.
I was gripped.
"Is someone going to sit on it? "Oh, they're sitting on it!" - It's added a new level of cruelty.
- It's horrendous.
I think they should have chairs and nooses, so LAUGHTER AND GROANING So you have to stand on a chair with a noose around your neck, and then Dermot O'Leary just comes and kicks it away from you.
So, Jon, just explain to us what happens with the chairs in case anyone hasn't seen it.
The people who have all been voted through What we do, we've got down to the list where there's a shy, gay one and the girl who egged off her mates who clearly wanted to be famous and was never her mates anyway, a binman and a fat one.
There's the Irish one as well and the novelty shit one.
They're all there.
Like musical chairs - there's seven of them, there's only six chairs.
So instead of taking them back and breaking their hearts, they put them on chairs and they break their hearts live on camera.
It's pretty awesome, but you mention the novelty one.
There isn't a novelty one this year, they're all brilliant.
Look at this.
What you want Baby, I got it And what you need Don't you know that I got it? All I'm asking Is for a little respect when you come home Hey, baby When you come home Brip-yodel-ey-yodel- ey-yodel-ey HE CONTINUES YODELLING Brip-yodel-ey-yodel-ey yodel-ey I've never in my life .
.
R-E-S-P-E-C- Take care, TCB Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh Yeah.
APPLAUSE - Quality there.
- I like that.
That's good.
- Did he get through? - Did he get through? - No, he didn't get through, because he yodelled! That is someone who has got mates, who said, "Yeah, I think "you should yodel right in the middle of that.
" You presented the American version of X Factor.
Were the crazier than ours, were they saner? I've never actually seen ours.
Not once.
Never seen the British version? I went over there and I thought, "I'll just do my own thing," and then at the end of the season, they were like, "It's No.
" Good on you.
I mean, Dermot is a fantastic presenter, but he does what he does, I didn't want to look at that and go over to the States and do that.
I thought You should have, because a lot of people find you very attractive, and the thing Dermot's done - WOMAN: Woo! - Yeah.
It's been in all the papers, he's had a bit of a bulge.
- That's been the talking point this year.
- Where? - Well In the papers, they said the viewing figures have gone up by 900,000 because of Dermot's bulge.
- Shut up! I want to see this.
- Have a look.
- That's his mobile! - It's a phone.
If you look carefully, he's charging the phone with his penis.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's a bit weird it's behind my head like that feels a bit disconcerting.
Steve, when you found out you weren't doing any more of it, how did you find out? I was on my way to Runyon Canyon to go for a run, and they rang, they said, "They are not picking you up for season two.
I was like, "Cool, I'm just going to go on my run.
So I did.
" - And that was that.
- And off the cliff you went.
Now, you've been on X Factor Ukraine.
Oh, oh, please don't show it! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE SEAN: He won't.
Certain shows, you have to understand, right, honest to God, they gave me shitloads of money, so that's why I was there.
- I won't lie.
Just don't show it! - No, I'm not going to show it.
If you're willing to do things you don't want to for shitloads of money, you're the girl for me.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I would show it, but I don't have the clip.
Yes! Let's have a look see if X Factor is up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, the new series of X Factor is under way.
Dermot O'Leary says millions of extra viewers have tuned in in order to see his trouser bulge.
Oh, Dermot, put a sock in it.
Oh, wait, hang on, you have.
At the end of the round, Sean, Jack and Jamelia have two points, Jon, Steve and David have three points.
APPLAUSE That's the end of part two - see you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Sean, Jack and Jamelia, pick a question.
SEAN: The puppy.
- You're going to go for the puppy? - JAMELIA: Yeah.
What do you think? Depends how much gravy there is.
Animals are not relaxing at all.
I find them very stressful.
I've got a little dog, which Actually, thanks for that.
The last time I was on the show, I spoke about my dog, and everyone thought that I meant that I'd killed my previous dog.
I didn't kill my previous dog.
I just gave him away.
- Well, now you sound like a lovely person(!) - No.
Then I got another dog, a smaller one, who does smaller poos, and that was my main issue.
- Who did you give the big dog to? - I gave him to the police.
Do you know what, at least I was an honest dog owner and I didn't ill-treat it.
The RSPCA didn't have to come round to my house and say, "You're terrible.
" I was honest and I said, "I can't cope.
" You can't do that with children.
You can do it with dogs.
Jack, do you find animals relaxing? - Yeah, I do, actually.
- Have you got any pets? - I have pets, yeah.
- What have you got? - Got two dogs, to Dachshunds.
- I find them relaxing to be around - That's not a dog! That's not a dog! - Don't you diss the Dachshund.
- That's not a dog! - It is.
It's like a sawn-off Doberman.
I had a very relaxing summer with animals, because I was paid by the government to shoot badgers.
Very relaxing.
Knowing, every time I pulled the trigger, - that was another 100 quid in the bank.
- I've got these I need to know how to kill moles.
There's loads of moles that keep coming up They call me the go-to guy.
This is what you do, you don't need to kill them.
You need to get them to visit somewhere else.
What you do is put books in your neighbour's garden.
And they come up, "Oh, a lovely book!" And they put their little glasses on and read there.
Apparently, there's a time of year when badgers mate, and if you are walking through a badgery part of the woods, you're advised to carry a stick, because if the badger grabs your leg, it won't release till it hears the crack of bone, so you have to get the stick and break it over your knee, and the badger hears that and goes, "Ha-ha!" and runs off.
But how could you possibly not be holding a stick and not go, "Fuck off, badger!"? - Steve, you've got a dog, right? - I have two dogs, yes.
- Veryvery relaxing beasts.
- Do you like them? - I love them, yeah! I mean, I wish they'd grow opposable thumbs, so I get a bit tense back here or maybe light candle if I'm in the bath.
Do you feel like you spend time tickling their tummies and getting them relaxed, - and then they don't? - Exactly.
I'm cleaning up all their shit and I'm not getting much fromit.
- I got a picture of your dog.
- Have you? - Yes, on your Twitter feed.
- That's my boy! - He is adorable.
And you would think, if I had a dog like that, you'd love him, he's so adorable.
Steve, not a good owner.
Look at this.
- You're meant to wash them in the sink.
- Yeah.
- Don't try that at home.
- I didn't switch it on.
In that the day you found out about the X Factor job? So the question is Let's put it to the test.
Jon, I got a little treat for you.
- Let's bring on a little puppy.
- AUDIENCE: Aw! Here she is.
She's a little mastiff.
She's only a puppy.
I think she's only 12 weeks old.
Look at the size of those paws.
That's when they're tastiest, isn't it? Have a little stroke.
Is that not the most adorable creature? - Oh, my God.
Green eyes.
- Huh? - Green eyes.
- It's the one from Turner & Hooch.
It's exciting.
- Amazing.
You can all leave now whenever you want.
Jon, I can already see, you look elated and relaxed.
- Do you want to take it for a little walk? - No, cos she doesn't like Jon.
Yeah, there you go.
Aw! Bring her round the front.
She is the most adorable creature.
- (HIGH-PITCHED) Steve, how are you, mate? - Yeah, everyone likes Steve.
- Hiya, Jimmy.
- Hello.
How are you? Didn't think you'd let dogs on a show with cats in the title, but fair play to you.
Stick him down.
Pretty adorable, right? Happy little creature.
Sean, you lookgrumpy.
I don't get it.
I do not understand The reason I don't understand why people have animals in their homes.
I don't understand that.
We built homes to keep animals out.
AUDIENCE: Aw! JIMMY LAUGHS Genuinely never seen Jon look happier.
Look at his little face.
It's almost cuter than the dog.
Jon, we're going to have to say goodbye to the puppy.
- Are you going to shoot it? - No, we're not going to do a Jamelia.
I have the feeling that this is the calm before some desperate, desperate storm now.
"Meet the only great white shark currently living on land in Britain.
" - A-ha! - We've got brilliant handlers in today for all the animals.
- I say ALL the animals, cos - Oh, God.
No, cos we got you a puppy, so we thought it'd be only fair, - Sean, to get you an animal.
- Oh, no.
- I think you'll like it.
- I genuinely think you'll like it.
- Oh, no! No, no, not me.
- Sean, are you not? - No.
Bring him over here.
- Are you genuinely? - No, no.
- Stick him on my neck, it's fine.
- Are you genuinely not keen on snakes? - No.
- Is that not your thing? - I'm sure it won't bother me.
- JACK: Is that a python? - It's a boa constrictor.
- How do you know it won't? - Go on, boa! Ugh! Look how it moves! It likes you, Jimmy, cos you're cold-blooded as well.
Oh.
It feels like some of my shoes.
Oh, hang on Oh! Round the neck, actually, you can really feel how How they do their thing.
Ah Ah Let's see how close he gets.
It's fine.
I'm not I'm not too worried.
Oh, hang on.
Oh-ho! Oh, you little flirt! That is nice! It's nice to hold something that thick and powerful.
- Don't look at me! - You don't want me to look at you when I'm touching it? Would you like to have a go? My main question is, if it kills you, will this be one of the stories on the show next week? Pretty calm and relaxed with that.
I sort of think he's amazing.
I love him.
Oh, my God.
He gave me a look there that suggested that was not mutual.
HmmOK OK, Jon's team, how do you feel about spiders? - I would rather be in a different country.
- Yeah.
- I don't like where this is going.
- Yeah.
- Bring on the spider! - Ugh.
- JAMELIA: Really, really? - Reallyit's a tiny little spider.
- You kidding me? - It's just a spider! It's just a MASSIVE spider.
Does anyone over here like spiders? - Why are they being so weird about spiders? - I don't know.
- Just hold your hand really still - Oh, I'm going to do this(?) APPLAUSE - Take a seat, take a seat, take a seat.
- This is brilliant, Steve.
- You are taking a hit for the team here.
- A hit of pure poison.
WOMAN: Just hold your hand completely still.
No, no, no.
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy! I'm going to do something terrible to you.
You're being incredibly brave and handsome, Steve.
- Wow.
- We can say goodbye to the spider.
Thank you so much.
We've got expert handlers in with us today.
JIMMY LAUGHS That was incredible to see.
You guys bolted when that came on.
Would you have held the spider? The only thing I want to see with eight legs in my house is a KFC bucket.
You didn't like the snake, you loved the puppy, you didn't like the spider.
Let's bring in a tiger.
Can we bring on a baby tiger? Let's bring on a tiger.
SEAN: Fuck me.
We've got a lovelytiger.
- That's an actual tiger! - That's an actual tiger.
There you go.
Oh Wow.
Jon, Sean, would you like to come over and have a stroke? - SEAN: No.
- Jon? I'm pretty close to having a stroke from over here, to be honest.
I mean, that is a massive tiger(!) - Just see if you find this relaxing.
- How old is the tiger? He's about 14 weeks old.
And when they get to, what, four months, you can no longer do this.
- Quite nice.
- We're hoping, for a month, he'll still be like this.
Another month like this.
He loves his bottle, doesn't he? Yes, he does! So, our handlers are incredibly well-trained and experienced, and I think they're going to lay down their own lives when he finishes this milk, so that I'm not harmed.
- JAMELIA: Take the bottle out - see what happens.
- Er, yeah(!) Why don't you put your head here and I'll do that? I like that someone somewhere has just switched on this show for the first time and gone, "8 Out Of 10 Cats - it IS about cats!" CUB PURRS AUDIENCE: Aw! Come on, tiger, go for a little walk.
Thanks to all the animals and handlers.
Give them a round of applause.
APPLAUSE OK, let's get some answers.
So What are you going to go for? I think me and you would say false, but I think most people are going to say true.
- So what are you going, Sean? - True.
- Jon, what would you say? - I enjoyed that.
- Yeah, I feel relaxed.
- Yeah? - Leave it in your hands.
True! Well, I can tell you, the answer is true APPLAUSE I like spending time with my favourite animal in my basement.
It's a sort of centipede.
I made it myself.
It was a lot of work and it's a bit messy, makes a hell of a noise, but it was worth it.
That's it for part three.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Jon, Steve, David, pick a question.
Er, who's the guy in the hat? What? Walter White.
Walter White.
Is he in Cluedo? - He's in Breaking Bad.
- Ah.
Walter White off of Breaking Bad.
So, this week thousands complained about having the series finale of Breaking Bad ruined by spoilers.
So we asked our studio audience I watched the first season and then I binned it off after that.
I thought it was crap.
It's a very good show.
It's a brilliantly written show.
Well, according to IMDb, Breaking Bad is the second best show ever, according to audience ratings.
That's after David Attenborough's Planet Earth.
Well, they've obviously never seen Why Don't You? Has anyone ever spoiled a TV show for you, - like something that you were into? - Yeah, they've just made them.
Some programmes though, you know, if you You know at the end of Grand Designs they're going to be living in an office in a field.
Drinking wine out of glasses this size going "Everything's turned out brilliant.
" SEAN: Porn films always end the same, don't they? - Porn films do always end the same.
- They do.
They always end the same, with self-loathing.
A frantic grasp for tissues.
That feeling of "Oh, God, I suppose I'd better get on and cook the Christmas lunch.
" As I emerge from behind the Christmas tree in my new slippers.
It wouldn't ruin this show if someone said, by the way, "Jon's team win" Oh, there's no point in watching it now! I know why this show will end.
This show will end with a horrible noise and then you'll go, - "That noise tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show!" - Don't ruin it.
They don't know that! "Thanks to all our studio audience and to you at home for joining in.
"If you want more, tune in to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Uncut.
Good night!" APPLAUSE Right, let's get some answers on this.
So, what do you think? - Yeah, of course they would.
- You guys an agreement? - Absolutely, yeah.
I can tell you the answer is 84% of people would be angry - You're absolutely right.
- APPLAUSE And The Winner Is the name of our final round.
And here's your question BUZZER The main thing I worry about as a man is the assumption that I know more about wine than anyone else at the table.
They pour a little bit always in my glass.
I don't know.
That's because you're the only one at the table! APPLAUSE There is that, there is that.
Steve, do you worry about anything? Sometimes giving directions.
I want to come across as if I'm very manly and I want to know that you know that, so I need to incorporate manly destinations.
"Just go past the Red Lion, then go past the sex shop.
"Then by the engine yard, where I buy my engines, and you're pretty much there.
" And the beach, that way.
- David, what do you worry about? - Er, keeping things charged, mostly.
Especially the new operating system on my phone has got, like, the percentage.
So you're like "76%?! Argh! "Quick, shut down things.
Don't touch it.
Leave it.
"We'll get an extra 20 minutes out of this tomorrow.
" What do you think men worry about, Jamelia? You know what, I can genuinely only think of one thing and I don't want to say it because I just think my nan might be watching.
- Go on, just say it.
It's fine.
It's late night.
She's not watching this.
- No.
Whisper it to me and I'll say it.
SHE LAUGHS - I can't.
I can't even say it, honest.
- Write it down.
Or just draw a picture of one.
Go on.
What do you think, Jamelia? It's a nine-letter word.
Premature ejaculation.
- "Ooh, you saucy cow!" - That's the only thing I can think about.
Or finding out the football scores too early.
So one or the other.
It's all about being early with you, isn't it? Penises are just a pain in the arse.
They're APPLAUSE When they're up and about, they're an inconvenience.
And when they're not, they're always there, aren't they? It's better to have a thing that's in, I think.
Are you saying you'd rather have a vagina because it would be tidier? That's insane! That's the most insane thing you've ever said.
I know you like things to be tidy but you're basically saying, "Oh, I'd like to be castrated because then it would be neater.
" Jack, do you ever find yourself worrying? I worry about stuff that I've done in the past, like "Oh, when I was on that rowing boat on holiday, "what if someone had come out in a motorboat and shot me?" And then the next night something else comes along.
"What if on that aeroplane there had been a hijack? What would I have done?" Just say hello back.
Yeah Oh! "Hi Jack.
" APPLAUSE - OK, top thing men worry about.
- JAMELIA: I think I've got it.
Go on, what do you think? Is it the size? Their size? - Of their? - Of their.
.
- No, but it is size.
- Getting fat.
- It's the right answer.
APPLAUSE Men's biggest worries are putting on weight and going grey.
Either way, the solution is the same - diet.
KLAXON Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show.
The final scores are Sean, Jack and Jamelia have four points.
Jon, Steve and David are the winners with seven points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks to our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
Good night!