8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s15e10 Episode Script

Series 15, Episode 10

1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, saved by the Mel, it's Mel Giedroyc.
Great Scot, it's Susan Calman.
And their team captain, Jon Richardson.
And facing them tonight, on the Loose, it's Carol Vorderman.
Sealed with a Chris, it's Chris Ramsey.
And their team captain, Sean Lock.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show all about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 5% of UK adults take a teddy bear on holiday? It's ridiculous.
Everybody knows the best way to smuggle cocaine is up a dog's bum.
8% of parents admit to having a favourite child.
My parents always made it clear I wasn't their favourite, which is tough on an only child.
And 10% of people have had sex in their office.
I used to go out with a girl who worked for the council.
She once let me have sex in the waste management department.
It was my birthday.
Right, let's get started.
What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
Tonight, it's our panellists' job to guess the nation's top three favourite TV shows.
Jon's team.
Well Yeah, right.
Oh, hang on.
Great British Bake Off.
Surely one of the greatest television programmes.
I can't tell you how apoplectic with joy I am to be this close to Mel, because I watch it, don't get frightened No, I love it! Seriously, I love it.
Shall I piss off? Ease yourself back, Jon.
There's something delightful about watching people sweating over making a cake while you're eating into the light in your pants.
Get a bowl.
Here's the thing, I really like the show, but I think cake is for people who don't drink to feel like they've had fun in their life.
What are you saying?! People who drink go, "I was a bit naughty this week," you ask what happened.
"Well, I ended up puking, I shit myself on my doorstep.
" People who don't drink go, "I was a bit naughty this weekend.
" You go, "What did you do?" And they go, "Well, I had a chocolate fudge cake.
" I watch it.
I like it.
Do you, Sean? I do like it.
Why I like it, it's like Midsomer Murders, but no-one gets killed.
You get that warm, summery feeling, but there's no unnecessary killing of anyone.
Have you thought of introducing a murder mystery element to the show? That would be very, very good.
If you don't win, you get killed.
I can see Bezzer committing some murders.
- Who? - Bezzer? I probably shouldn't have said that.
Mary Berry.
She's lovely.
I'd like to see her lose her shit once in a while.
Do you know what I mean? You'd like to see her go a bit Gordon Ramsay on one of them, "Just shove your macaroons up your fucking arse!" She's actually a lot younger than she looks, but her face has aged from opening the oven all the time.
It's just dried out all her skin.
She hasn't got dry skin! She's only about 30.
Years of opening the oven It does have a great male sex symbol.
Who's the male sex symbol? Paul Hollywood.
Carol, do you fancy him? Well, he came on Loose Women, and I nibbled on his brioche.
Did you? Well, no wonder he came.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Can we have a look at this Hollywood character? Here he is.
Oh, yeah.
The most fun thing I've ever done in all my life, seriously, was to steal Paul Hollywood's car and drive it half a mile away so that he thought it was stolen.
- You didn't? - Yeah! He's got a posh car, hasn't he? His car is so posh, you don't actually put a key in, you put a crystal into a thing.
This is Superman's car! It's a rock of crystal.
Actually, it's not a rock, it's just a rectangle of crystal.
It should be a wooden spoon, really, shouldn't it? You put the crystal in and then, this is absolutely true, in Hollywood's car, the Bond theme tune kicks in as soon as it starts.
You can't have the Bond music banging out and step out of your car, and people go, "What do you do?" "I eat muffins.
" People get really emotional and tense in the programme.
It can get like Dallas or something.
It's really tense.
People's lives are invested in their sponge.
Me and Sue - "Sue and I," I should say, grammatically correct.
Yeah, thank you.
We, with them, invest our very selves into the Battenberg slash quiche slash whatever.
Oh, the Union Jack Battenberg.
That was amazing.
I would never expect Jon to say, "Oh, the Union Jack Battenberg" He doesn't seem that right wing, does he? "Coming over here with your syllabub and your bloody pistachio ice cream.
"I like a Battenberg cake, shaped like the flag.
Now piss off.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE The Great British Bake Off didn't make the top three.
It was actually fifth.
The Great British Bake Off features more yeast than any other show on British television, except Embarrassing Bodies Does Kavos.
Sean, what do you think are the nation's favourite TV shows? Is it David Attenborough's shows? They're incredible programmes, aren't they? He's run out, really, though.
He'll end up now looking under dustbins at woodlice.
He's done everything else.
Let's have a look at Attenborough's latest series, Africa.
Africa .
the world's greatest wilderness.
The only place on earth to see the full majesty of nature.
Rarely seen places and untold stories.
There's nowhere in the world where wildlife puts on a greater show.
This is the last place on earth where you can come eye-to-eye with the greatest animals that walk our planet.
This is Africa.
The most famous scene in that was the giraffes fighting.
Did we see that? Necking.
In my head, that's how supermodels fight.
Did you see the one with the birds? I think they were called shoebill birds.
God, it was awful.
And the mum, it was like Sophie's Choice.
What happened? The mum had to choose I'm actually, I'm welling up I'm actually welling up! The shoebill mum had tooh, my God she had toshe had to choo Jon, comfort her, for God's sake! She's in pain! She had to choose between her two chicks, which one to save.
Whichwhichwhich one did? Which one did she save? She chose the stronger one.
She didn't even choose the weaker one.
Because she's a good mum.
That's what they would do.
A bad mum'd have gone, "I'll have the weaker one.
" She knew that the race of shoebill would continue if she went for the stronger one rather than the weaker one.
The circle of life She's got a tiny brain and no feelings, so it doesn't matter, does it? The look in her eye, she knew what she was doing.
No, she didn't! She's a bird.
Her brain is probably about that big.
No, her eye, the weird thing about them is their eyelids, I seem to remember, flick round to the side, and she came at the camera in the eye went like that and flicked around as if to say, "I know what I'm doing.
" It was horrendous.
Did they buy any chance put some emotional music underneath it to make you feel like she was making an emotional choice? Cos they have to drown out the sound of Attenborough behind the camera going, "Aaaaaah!" "Don't worry, I'll finish it off.
"You take the other one.
"I've got a shovel here, I'll sort it out.
"Don't worry, you fly off.
" It's like sandwich spread by the time he's finished.
Make him stop, now! Let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes, the nation's favourite TV programme, Sir David Attenborough's wildlife shows.
Jon's team.
What do you think? I bet its Top Gear, isn't it? Yep.
Yes, of course.
It'll be those three.
They're basically the twat in the pub, and then one day, three pubs all closed, and they had to go in the car park.
One of them filmed on their mobile, and it just became (CAROL) It's genius! Top Gear? I used to watch it when I was a teenage girl, and that is exactly why I'm a lesbian.
It put me off men for life, that programme did.
Then I'm a lesbian too.
Yes, we're all lesbians tonight, Jon.
Yeah! And me.
They have to shout because what they're saying is dull.
You know in films, the most exciting lines they whisper? If you've got a really good script, you just have to go, "If you come round here again, giving it that, I'm going to cut your head off.
" But they have to shout, because if you just said, "This is the new Ford Fiesta 1.
2 diesel," no-one'd watch it.
But if you go, "This is the new 1.
2!" And you're watching it, "This is amazing!" And if you watched it written down, you'd think, oh, he just showed me a car.
You've been on the show? I love Top Gear.
I love anything to do with engines.
There are a lot of people in the world who are emotionally attached to their vehicles.
I love Star In A Reasonably-Priced Car, that's a good feature.
I watch that repeatedly.
When Helen Mirren was on, it was fantastic.
Not enough crashes.
I don't like the way that Jeremy Clarkson ends every sentence like that.
Every sentence on the show, he ends with a thing at the end.
Deh-de-de-de-deh-duh-deh- de-de-duh.
That's how people from Doncaster talk.
He's from Doncaster, and that's how they talk.
- "Welcome to Doncaster.
" - That's the Doncaster accent.
That, or he's a bullshitting charlatan without a personality.
"He's a bullshitting charlatan without a personality.
" You know his cock's made of denim? We're giving Clarkson our time, but let's remember, there are three dicks.
There are.
Richard Hammond, his appearance is phenomenal.
He looks like he's getting groomed on the internet by Noel Edmonds.
Let's have a look and see if Top Gear's up there.
Yes, Top Gear is the nation's second favourite TV show.
That's it for Part One.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
We're trying to guess the nation's favourite TV shows.
Sean's team.
It's got to be along reality lines, Come Dine With Me, stuff like that.
Never seen an episode in my life.
No way! Really, it's about nosing around other people's houses.
There's a whole generation of people who don't realise that it's not OK to go to a dinner party and go through someone's knicker drawer.
Shall we have a little look? I'll treat you to a little look of Come Dine With Me.
(DAVE LAMB) Uh-oh! It's day three and the turn of roadkill connoisseur Alison Brearley.
I'm a bit more confident about beating Matt.
He had all the fireworks but, ultimately, we're not eating fireworks.
No, but Emma probably wishes you were.
It will be really interesting tonight to see what she cooks.
I'm slightly anxious.
You should be.
Bright eyes Burning like fire This is a selection of what you can find on our roads in England.
It's all free food, it's absolutely amazing.
So the pheasant will be used for Alison's roadkill pie starter.
I can't see myself eating roadkill, I just can't see it.
I can't see it, I'll be gagging.
It is a shame she's not got beaver on the menu, because I must admit I do like eating beaver.
I'd definitely, definitely second that.
Beaver should be on the menu at any dinner party.
I imagine, looking at that man, it's a delicacy for him.
It probably is! I don't imagine he's getting it three times a day, put it that way.
It's not the worst thing I've seen on Come Dine With Me.
Want to hear the incredible recipes people have presented? Yes, please.
Sausage trifle.
Trifle consisting of sponge, custard and sausages.
Sausage trifle sounds like something that would happen in a gay sauna.
Was the sausage trifle, was that Peter Stringfellow's, he did it? No, Peter Stringfellow went on Come Dine With Me, he made olive oil ice cream.
So he added olive oil to vanilla ice cream and served it with peppered tuna.
Oh! You know, like people don't.
I've lived in my flat now for nine years and no-one has ever come round for dinner.
It's because I've got three cats and I let them lie on the table and I feed them with my mouth like Lady And The Tramp.
Essentially, I'm French-kissing a cat and apparently some people don't enjoy that while they're eating.
So Come Dine With Me, to me, it's like it's fiction.
I watch and I say, "That's what normal people without cats do.
" When you feed them, Susan, do you Deep fry it first? No! Do you regurgitate the food that you've already had? I'm regurgitating my food just listening to this.
Like a mother bird.
I'm not like a bird, because they're carnivores, and it helps their teeth.
So you just take a little bit of steak in your mouth, and you just go, "Come on, Pickle.
" (MAKES KISSY SOUNDS) Then she takes it and you go, "Thank you, Pickle.
" And then you take a bit and then you give a cat a bit and then you take a bit.
What the fuck is wrong with that?! (SEAN) How do you feed them soup? I can tell you, Come Dine With Me isn't in the top three, it actually came fourth.
One thing still to get, fingers on buzzers.
Doctor Who.
People love Doctor Who, don't they? I love Doctor Who.
I've never seen it but people love it.
Doctor Who is basically James Bond for people who don't drink or like cake.
I'll tell you what I think about Doctor Who.
What? Well, the TARDIS is a police phone box.
Now, that was created in an era where they were everywhere.
They're quite unusual now, they stand out.
If he wants to travel around in something that's on every street corner, really the TARDIS should be a branch of Chicken Cottage.
That's a very good point.
You never look twice at a Chicken Cottage.
No, you wouldn't notice it.
A police phone box, what the hell's that? What's going on in there? You couldn't leave it for a second.
People going, "What is this thing?" There's other, there's other inconsistencies in Doctor Who, I must say.
But that is the main one.
What annoys me about Doctor Who is, all the stuff in it is basically, they've just come up with a gizmo to get round plots they couldn't get out of.
So the sonic screwdriver, they get to the end of the episode and go, how does he get out of that? The thing works and it has a button.
It's crap.
Vera Drake wouldn't end with, "The police have come.
" "Yeah, but she can fly.
She gets away.
" When you're really into the emotion of something, it needs to be reality, doesn't it? It is real! And the sonic screwdriver, I bought one for Christmas last year.
That wasn't a sonic screwdriver and you know it.
I used to be scared of it, I hid behind the sofa watching Doctor Who in the '70s.
I realise now it should've been Jim'll Fix It.
Do you remember the? I can't remember what her name was.
Oh, I know the one, yeah.
She was a massive It's bad when a sentence starts "Do you remember," then, "I don't remember.
" She was a massive spider.
She was one of the baddies, and she attached herself onto your back.
Thus rendering your legs and feet stuck to the ground.
Remember her? And then you went, "Ombuddy ominum, ombuddy ominum.
" Do you remember that? Is it in Doctor Who or a bad dream you had? The Daleks are in Doctor Who, aren't they? The Daleks.
We love the Daleks.
Devoid of all emotion except hate.
They're like Piers Morgan on wheels.
There was a flaw with the Daleks the first time around.
What was the flaw? The flaw basically was that they couldn't climb stairs.
So if you lived in anything with a first or second storey, they couldn't exterminate you.
If they come back now, cos of the wheelchair access we've put in We're all in trouble.
Chris, do you watch it, Doctor Who? I tried, it was one of the things that I remember, everyone was like, it's amazing.
It was the first time it came back and got Christopher Ecclestone was a big deal.
Yeah, I remember the Christopher Ecclestone thing, the advert where they showed the Dalek floating up the stairs.
I tried, I really tried to watch it and I was so disappointed.
(AS DALEK) Elevate! Elevate! That's what they that was the trick.
(AS DALEK) Elevate.
Elevate! Let's have a look and see if Doctor Who is up there.
(MEL) Got to be.
Of course.
Yes, Doctor Who is third on our list of favourite shows.
People say the show's not realistic but I think it is.
It's featured 11 different Doctors, and I've never seen a single one of them washing their hands.
So, those were the nation's favourite TV shows.
But The Only Way Is Essex came 16th.
At the start of each episode of TOWIE a disclaimer is read out stating that some scenes have been created for your entertainment.
Well, none that I've seen.
Tenth on the list was X Factor.
Every year, the X Factor finalists release a charity single to help the poverty-stricken and destitute.
This year, it's in aid of Matt Cardle.
And Strictly Come Dancing came 12th on our poll.
The surprise star of last series was Lisa Riley.
She put her success down to being double jointed.
At every meal she has beef and lamb.
At the end of that round, Jon's team have one point, Sean's team have two points.
APPLAUSE And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here is your question.
The worst thing about fancy dress parties.
Come on! There's nothing good about someone saying, come round to my house but don't look or act like yourself.
Try and cover your personality in every way possible.
And then you can't go for a piss cos you've got a frigging eight rolls of bog roll cos you've come as a mummy.
If you go in costume you feel like a dick, saying, "Look at me, look at me.
" If you don't go in costume you feel like a dick.
"Oh, look at me, I don't want to do it.
" They're just horrendous.
You do surprise me, Jon.
And then at the end of the night, everyone's pissed and you see a fight and it scars you for life because you've seen Wonder Woman kicking the shit out of Albert Einstein.
Carol, do you like a fancy dress party? I love a fancy dress party.
What's the best outfit you've ever rocked? Well, when I had my last big fancy dress party, it was fantastic.
(MEL) You host? Yeah.
Oh, you host them, I love that.
'70s was fantastic.
I had an Afro wig that was that big and a little toga thing and some very high silver boots.
And it was, oh, we had a blast, it was fabulous.
I really enjoyed that party, it was brilliant.
I wasn't invited, but Do you like a fancy dress? Best outfit ever, I went as Caiaphas, who's the high priest in the Bible who got Judas to betray Jesus.
Caiaphas, the high priest.
Go as Caiaphas.
And my husband went as Annas, so we were the two high priests.
Your husband went as Annas? Yep, it was a Jesus Christ Superstar-themed fancy dress party.
We drove across London as Caiaphas and Annus.
In character? Totally in character.
Always in character.
What were you in, a chariot? No, black tights, skintight, both of us.
I'd made I spent a lot of time on this.
Eggboxes fashioned into jewels to go as a sort of tabard in the middle of our bare stomachs.
Oh, fab.
Then a black cloak and a huge onion-domed hat, both of us had them.
Full stubble.
And we sang Jesus Christ Superstar as we went across London.
It was amazing.
APPLAUSE What, then, to do about Jesus of Nazareth? Miracle wonderman, hero of fools No riots, no army, no fighting, no slogans One thing I'll say for him, Jesus is cool.
We did that all across London.
APPLAUSE The worst thing about a fancy dress party, it's something I suspect Jon would do if he ever got invited to a fancy dress party.
Secretly be delighted? Not wear the costume.
That's the correct answer.
I had my suspicions, Jon, I'm sorry.
Yes, the worst thing about fancy dress parties is people who don't dress up.
I went to a fancy dress party as a pirate.
I illegally copied all their DVDs.
BUZZER That sounds tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show.
The final scores are Jon's team have one point, Sean's team have three points.
Thanks to our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
If you want more, tune into 8 Out Of 10 Cats Uncut on Wednesday.
That's it from us, good night.
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